Happy Tyr’s Day
I know I used a Robert Heinlein quote for the Pagan Pulpit this week, but I suppose it is also fitting that he comes up here, as love is the philosophical topic this week. Love for Heinlein was the idea that in order to be happy another person you cared for also had to be happy. When both sides are concerned at this level with each others happiness, then love is there.
I feel the same trepidation in talking about Love as I do Fidelity. I have never really grasped or been good at this love thing. Mostly because I am a little bit of a hopeless romantic when it comes to love. I have high ideals about it. I have discovered however that ‘love’ is not thought of as highly by others as myself. People use the word ‘love’ so often and so frequently it loses its meaning.
I find with love I represent the blundering idiot more than the person who understands it on a practical level. Because of this, when love is lost by any cause, it hurts me – badly. It is in times like those that I find myself wishing my heart could be ripped out of my chest and removed all together. Every time there has been that early struggle to just shut down all emotions completely and forever. To go completely cold-blooded bastard, so I don’t have to be concerned with anyone’s happiness but my own. But in the end the risk of love is far outweighed by the joys of it. At least when I find those joys.
To the Wolves and Ravens:
I need love. We all do. As introverted and reclusive as I am, I find the need to feel that someone loves me. I can face a whole day by myself and be happy with it, if I know someone loves me. I struggle with that though because my definition of love is so very high. My standards and expectations of love I receive is the same as I give to them. If I am ‘all in’ with a person, I expect that in return and I need that to be true.
I need different kinds of love. I need friendship, family love and the one I will be using the most in this post – love of the deepest nature with another human being. In my case as a heterosexual male – love with a woman. It’s the love I need the most.
I want love. It has a lot of side benefits. For me, I find The Grey has no place in love. It isn’t there or does not affect me at all. Love is the sunshine I keep in my heart where I smile even if the clouds are over me. I can smile because the Grey has no power when I can feel that I am loved. When I know I am loved. It is a want that is very strong, but it also makes me not think about what’s going on as much.
The wolves of love are easy. The reason behind it is much harder. I have loved and lost several times both is romance and friendship. Two times romantically were greatly significant to the point they were personally devastating. I wrestle with the fact that I was ‘all in’ with these two women but it is clear by their actions, they were not. It is hard when that other person’s happiness is so essential for your own, but then you come to the devastating realization that their happiness is not conditional on yours. That takes some time to get over.
There is also trying to rebuild love. Yes, it is a real thing. Where history causes you to doubt love. So you say it to each other multiple times every day, when you are alone you go through the box of all the notes she has sent you where she has written ‘I love you’. You cuddle and kiss and make love and that phrase ‘make love’ has a whole new meaning because that is exactly what you are doing. It isn’t about sex as much as making love. To build it and surrounded it with wall and protect it. It’s hard when you look at the damage at times, and see it is you who destroyed that part, and now you have to fix it. It is far easier to destroy than to build and that is especially true for love.
If experience makes one wiser, I can say for me love seems to be an exception to that rule. I find with love reason and wisdom seem to have little place. They probably should, but in truth we all seem to shoo the ravens away to follow our wolves of need and want. I can say that I am wise enough to really guard myself these days. Despite my desires, I keep myself limited in who I love and why. I just know, if I am hurting I try to grasp love from somewhere and if the pain is high enough wisdom and reason are very hard to find. So, I try to deal with reducing the pain to stay in fidelity.
I suppose that is why when it comes to love I see that honor, courage and standing for truth are good emotional states as well as virtues. Strong ones. They help with understanding love and keeping on the path despite my pain about it. At the same time, it is this continued search for love that keeps me wandering and searching.
Love is a funny thing. It can scar you when you are the one concerned with someone else’s happiness, but they are not as concerned with yours. But it also can bring joy, healing and strength when it is. I don’t know if have really said much here. I know there is a lot of emotion behind my words in this post today, but whether my philosophy behind love as a higher virtue is good I have no clue. I am still learning. As I said, I am a blundering idiot at times with love. But I keep walking trying to understand it. I keep walking hoping to find the sunshine of love to keep my heart free from The Grey.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.