“A Map and a Prayer” – The Adventure Chronicles of Brightblade – Part 1 (A Dungeons and Dragons Solo Roleplay)

Happy Sif’s Day!

Lief Crispen leaned forward to study the map on the table. His mother hovered over his shoulder looking down at the parchment which showed a route from the city to a cave in the hills to the east.

“What do you think mother? Is it genuine?”. Lief’s strong voice came.

Anna Crispen frowned as she studied the details. The map was recent as the ink looked fresh and not faded. The landmarks were current as well. It was well done but not ornate. A practical map to mark a place of importance for later.

“I think so, son. But will it deliver on what it promises?”

Anna’s voice was sweet and melodic but quivered slightly because she knew what her son was planning.

Lief leaned back slightly and looked over his shoulder toward her.

“The merchant seemed to think so. He was most grateful for the work we did repairing the shoes of his caravan. This is the bonus, the trick is collecting.”

“Well son, we can’t afford to hire someone. We are cobblers, not rich merchants.”

Lief sighed, “You know what has to be done, and to be truthful, you know this is the break we have been looking for. It might give us the wealth we need to start buying favor and expanding the business.”

“We have a good life.”

“No doubt, but still water stagnates. The family name needs security and that means the need for wealth and title.”

This was an old conversation between the two of them. She was about to say ‘ and it needs heirs, but she knew what the counter would be. Lief would simply point out that there would be a greater motive for him to find a wife and produce children if there was something to inherit beyond what they have. She knew he was in part right that he needed to use the days of his youth to build something and then settle down. ‘Marriage is a young man’s burden and an old man’s comfort’ was the wisdom of the gods.

She looked at her son. He was so much like her dead husband now. Tall, strong, and athletic, but in many ways beyond him. But he had her wisdom just like he had her fair skin, green eyes, and long dark raven hair. Lief was truly the best of his parents. But he was also all she had anymore. Her only child. This was the real cause of her fear.

“Mother, I know you worry over me. I get your fears, but if the Crispen name is going to stand the test of time they need security and position. I think this treasure might be the key, or at least the start. I can’t do what we need to do by just fixing shoes. It’s noble and good hard work, but it’s not going to be enough.”

Anna nodded. Adventuring was not uncommon and the hills and forests around the City of Brightblade had their wild side to be sure. If this map marked a treasure it could tilt their fortunes for the better. It might attract good blood to the family.

“Mother. I will be careful. I have been training with the militia for the last four years and I am doing well enough to have been promoted to corporal. I have good equipment and what we think is a good map. If I am reading the map right, it’s about half a day’s walk from here.”

“Be careful son,” tears came to her eyes.

Lief stood and hugged his mother in his crushing grip.

“I will say a prayer to Sensua for you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, mother. And I will wear her amulet to remind me that you are praying for me. With any luck, I won’t be more than a few days.”

“Let’s pray not. I love you, son.”

“I love you too, mother.”

_

The next day Leif arose and got ready for his trip. He put on his militia armor consisting of his chainmail tunic, leather boots, and arm grieves over his under tunic. He then placed his traveling tunic over everything and tied it with his leather belt. He had a backpack with everything he needed from torches to rations. He tied his longsword to his belt and then picked up his spear and shield, a medium-sized round shield with a steel front and oak as its core. Pulling the traveling cloak’s hood over his head, he walked toward the door to leave the shop.

Anna stood by watching her son and made sure she didn’t cry until after he left. He did that with few words. He handed her his amulet of Sensua and she slipped it over his neck. She kissed him on the cheek and watched him step out into the quiet morning streets of their neighborhood. He disappeared around the corner looking back toward her one last time. Only then did the tears come, but she did not sob. A few minutes later, she had collected herself. Put the closed sign on the shop and headed to the Temple of Sensua.

The Temple was a few city blocks away and this early in the morning the traffic was light as was the line to see the priests and priestesses. The temple itself was probably 100 yards square. It consisted of the front altar reached by passing the entry arch, the two houses of love to the right and left and then the rest of the complex was behind all this where the priests, priestesses, paladins, and other members of the temple lived. Anna concerned herself only with the altar today and she felt a surge of hope as she crossed through the archway. The Motto: ‘Life, Love, and Fertility” she had seen a thousand times. Today they meant a little more as she thought of the life of her son, her love for him, and her hope of a continued family.

She approached the altar. Sensua’s statue standing over it. Sensua, the goddess of life, love, and fertility was always depicted as a pleasantly curvy woman with long hair. And always naked. In this case, she stood with her legs shoulder width apart facing the archway and her hands outstretched above her.

“Daughter Anna, you seem distressed.”

The priestess was one she had met before. A short but curvy woman with light brown hair. She was pleasant to look at even wearing her robes of white.

“I am. My son is doing something important for the family and it is potentially dangerous. I have come to seek the goddesses’ blessing for him.”

“Say no more.”

Anna handed the priestess some gold coins and knelt. The priestess’ prayer was simple and to the point but Anna felt its strength and smiled. The ritual continued with Anna offering a prayer for her son. At this point, she pledged herself again to the goddess. Once finished the priestess beckoned her to rise and then motioned toward the house of love on the right. Anna nodded and then walked with purpose toward the house of love and passed through its door.

In order for the ritual to be completed, the rights of love must be performed. In truth, this part had more than a single function for Anna. He husband had been dead for almost as long as Lief had been out of her womb. She had forgone remarriage to focus on raising her son. She still had needs as a young woman. It was no accident that her devotion to Sensua was regular and a few times a week. She was in her mid-thirties having had Leif when very young.

Each house of love was arranged pretty much the same. The lowest floor was a waiting area where the novices waited on those waiting to complete their ritual. It was white marble like most of the temple and the benches and a couple fountains were made of the same. The novices were all male. In the other house of love, they were female. Not that it was absolutely expected that women went to the house of men and vice versa. She had a girlfriend who went to the female house. Sensua was not about the judgment of one’s sexual tastes, but she is about the expression of passion leading to life.

One of the novices handed her a small cup of wine and she drank it while waiting. The two floors above her were where the bed chambers were. This early in the morning she would not have to wait long. She recalled how each house was organized. Novices trained here on the first floor. They made sure that the people waiting were comfortable. One had to be at least an acolyte or adept to actually provide the conclusion to the ritual of love. Acolytes did the most meeting with and concluding the ritual with each petitioner of the goddess. Adepts ran the place and kept things organized.

There was much training involved in this and one of the main things is that the clerics of Sensua were considered some of the best healers in the world. That healing power came in large part from their very hands-on understanding of the body, sexual energy, and touch magic. Nor were they limited to just humans although that was the majority in Brightblade. They also boosted elves, dwarves, halflings, and gnomes as clerics. She thought Lief had said a dwarf female was one of the adepts in the female house of love and she had seen an elf here a couple times who was an acolyte.

Anna smiled as she remembered when Lief had matured to the point she had brought him here. She had caught him pleasuring himself and she knew it was time for some proper education. The Acolytes and Adepts were all too happy to speak to him and she was so thankful for that with his father dead. When he turned fourteen, he came of age and she brought him here for the first time for him to do the ritual himself. A female acolyte (according to her son a pleasant human woman) took his virginity and he became a man. He joined the guild and the militia that same year. Since then she had known nothing but pride in her son. This adventure in truth made her even more proud. He was thinking of things larger than himself. He was thinking long-term for the future of the family.

“Anna”

Anna looked up to it was one of the Novices. A fine looking ebony-skinned young man.

“”Yes”

“Follow me.”

Anna followed him up to the second floor. He directed her to wait in the first room on the right. The decor of all these rooms was simple but comfortable with dark wood furniture, red curtains, red bedding, silver chamberpots, washbasins, and pitchers. She walked in and stood.

“Someone will be with you shortly.”

A few moments later the door opened and an Adept walked in closing the door behind him. He was a medium-sized man with olive skin. Anna raised an eyebrow as she knew only one Adept was on duty in each house at any time. Mostly to coordinate the Acolytes to the right rooms. The fact that an Adept…

“I can see the questioning on your face. The priestess thinks very highly of you and could see your need. So I have been asked to complete the ritual with you in hopes of securing Sensua’s blessing for your son. It is hoped that the extra measures we provide will do so.”

Anna nodded and thanked him and the temple for their special consideration. He nodded in return and then pulled his red robes back from his shoulders and let them fall to the floor revealing his muscled naked form. Anna glanced down and smiled. He approached her and his fingers touched her cheek. Instantly she could feel the magic of the ritual as it melted her worry and tiredness. One by one her pieces of clothing became a pile on the floor.

_

Sometime later, Anna was laying on her back in the bed and the adept had gone. Her worry for her son had lifted and her naked athletic body quivered with divine magic. She always felt so alive at this moment and it is perhaps one of the reasons she visited the temple so often. The adept knew his business better than most. He had even offered to cuddle with her afterward if she so desired. She told him ‘thank you’, but she needed solace with the goddess. The adept had nodded, put his robe back on, and left. Left alone with her thoughts, she realized that she was still young enough to bear a child, and with her son now old enough to be on his own, this was, perhaps, the time to remarry.

It was at this moment that light began to grow in the room. Anna sat up and looked with amazement as dots of light began to form into shape in front of her until she saw it was a woman’s form but indistinct.

“Anna Crispen, Anna my faithful follower. I have heard your prayer. I will watch over your son. He will return to you. In return, my temple may ask something of him, encourage him to cooperate and all will be well. Be blessed, my faithful daughter.”

The image began to fade.

“Wait! Goddess, I have a question. A question for myself.”

The image brightened and solidified again.

“Ask your question.”

“Thank you. Will I ever know love again?”

“Yes. But not in the way you think. I will also answer the question unasked – yes, you will bear another child with another man. But it is Lief who will bless me the most. Your other child will belong to another deity. She will not serve me”

“I see. Thank you once again for your patience with your servant.”

The image faded and disappeared.

Anna smiled – love, a child – a girl, and Lief safe. She breathed deeply. Now there was nothing for it but to wait.

Writer’s Notes:

I am sorry for the delay on this series, but I got sick this week and have not felt like much of anything all week. I also have to face the reality that I was going about this all wrong by trying to top down the world design for this series. I have turned it around and designed one character (literally redoing my fighter a third time) a single setting idea and then went forward. The basic idea is that the world will fill in of its own accord as each new character is added and when things need to be answered.

Ultimately this is the roleplaying part of the solo adventure I am doing. I basically am going to play the game and jot things down in the journal. That’s why things won’t always be predictable even for me. I will then take this and turn it into a story for the roleplay part. I will be introducing a new character from time to time and things will grow as I am able.

A few other things:

  1. This series is very adult in its content. I don’t recommend it for kids. I honestly think the Dungeons and Dragons world suffers from a sterility problem in this regard. Expect genuine adult situations, horror, sexual situations, incest, nudity, and violence. If you watched Game of Thrones, nothing will surprise you here. What might be interesting is that multiple races invite some interesting situations. This series will not shy away from rape and murder nor will it be ‘woke’. I want a realistic portrayal and not everyone in the world has ‘modern’ sensibilities.
  2. Part of this is I want to realistically portray the nature of ancient religions and cosmology. It is interesting that Dungeons and Dragons’ mythos centers on creation as an act of war, whereas most pagan myths view it as an act of sexual creation. People in pagan thought tend to look at the world around them and reason to the divine. “My mom and dad had sex and here I am. Where did the universe come from? Two gods had sex and here it is.” For me, proper myth has creative acts in life be creative in myth and destructive acts are destructive.
  3. It should be noted that my world thus views sex in a much more positive and less taboo light. In fact, it is the more evil deities that will encourage celibacy and the destruction of life through things like forbidding sexual expression.
  4. Character Development: Lief Crispen was developed with as many random tables as I could use. I also randomized many elements of his creation to get what I got. This actually will be pretty true for most of the characters you will see. The goal is for me to challenge myself in writing creatively. How do these things go together? How does this background fit the class? etc. Today, I tried to get a basic background for the character presented but chose to do it through his mother. In addition, one of the random background things was the character got a treasure map as a boon. It launched the idea of what happened today. Most characters will be created randomly like this but I will try not to repeat a class and/or subclass until all classes are used.
  5. Character Death: Death is going to happen. I am not going to protect these characters with one exception, the last character standing alive gets protected to keep continuity between the characters in a single story arch, In this case, this centers on Adventures by people from the City of Brightblade.
  6. Adventure Development: I am using The Solo Adventurer’s Toolbox Parts 1 and 2 once I get passed these first couple of adventures. For the adventure that is coming and the second one will actually be based on solo adventures from the 1983 Basic Set: You know the one with the cover below. If you played them you are familiar, but I will be adding my own twists. After that, it will be pretty random.

One final note. I will be writing on only this series for a while. I recently realized I am trying to do too many projects. So this is the only thing I will be doing for at least a year. My goal is to get my creativity flowing again and then see what I can do later. I loved D&D as a kid and teen and now I am feeling that growing again and just want to enjoy it. Basically for those that follow my life. It’s Living life, My YouTube Channel, and this series for a year or so.

Other Sources: Player’s Handbook, Dungeons Master’s Guide, Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything, Xanathar’s Guide to Everything, and Naughty and Dice: An Adult Gamers Guide to Sexual Situations.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

54 – My Birthday and My Goals for Healthy Next Year

Happy Sif’s Day and Happy Birthday to Me!

I am Detroit Lions Fan so I in general have a respectful hatred for all things Chicago Bears. That said, when I was picking the number 54 to represent one of the best for the number of my age 54, Brian Urlacher went to the front of the class. Got to give the Devil his due. The man could Ball. Linebacker sized, fast as safety, and skilled. I was happy to see him retire so the Lions wouldn’t have to face him twice a year anymore.

So today I turn 54. I can’t lean into my early fifties anymore with that number, we are definitely middle fifties now. I have tried to turn my birthday back in but no one wants to take it. So I guess I will own it for as long as it gets mileage. My birthday has one redeeming feature, it works far better than New Year for changing my life’s course. This year My goal is to get healthy in a lot of areas.

  1. Physically I want to get back to pre-COVID. Muscled. leaned out with good strength, endurance, and flexibility. I was in the best shape of my life in March 2020 and then we all know what happened to take us all away from the gym which in retrospect was a bad thing overall. I want to look the part of the sexy over-50 man, so this is the year.
  2. Emotionally and Mentally I need to be in a better place. To that end, I want to work on getting back to being a creative educator. This may take some time. I also renewed my relationship with my therapist. I am hoping to be more disciplined and focused going forward in my life.
  3. Financial Health needs to be a focus this year. I need more income than working for the world’s largest brick-and-mortar retailer can provide. This involves creating some income streams outside the norm. As well as looking for better career choices.
  4. Family/Friends: I feel like communication needs to be a focus this year and given that I seem at times to be the source of my family’s anxiety. I want to change that if at all possible. I just tend to be reserved and quiet most of the time.
  5. Love: I would like if at all possible, to be in love by this time next year with a woman who makes me better. I am good being a bachelor, but I mess with having a confident, lover and partner in crime. Not going to force it, but I am looking harder for it.

Well, I have soem work to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will be starting my D&D series and then the rotation for this and a few other projects will be rolling. This year is about learning and implementing things for good personal health in a lot of areas.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Learning to Focus

Happy Freya’s Day!

Right now I have the time to step back and regain my focus. I have certain areas of my life that I am trying to improve on and I need to refocus on them. So this post will be listing them and saying a few words to clarify for both you the gentle reader and myself.

  1. Writing – There are basically two habits I need to put in place and that is the writing itself, and no good writer is worth anything without also being a reader. But in reading I don’t want to read as much as I want to study the book I am reading. Quality of quantity.
  2. Media Presence – In this case Youtube Channel and all that goes with it. I figure at two videos a week I should be good. But that requires a regular system of recording, editing, and presenting.
  3. Health – Lifting, hiking, and dieting.
  4. Money – Multiple income streams. I need my job currently to make ends meet but I need more streams of income to pay off debt and get my cabin in the woods eventually. Minimalism and being a Stoic NNV following Viking are my means to this end and the subject of my Youtube channel.
  5. Love – I am not very good on my own. I need to fall in love again and have that woman in my life that makes me better. That said my system here is to simply be who I am and put that out there.
  6. Family – need to come up with a system that improves my communication with my kids and keeps it more regular.

So there are a lot of habits and systems to create here. I need to overlap and build them into morning and evening routines and other systems. Things need to overlap and support each other.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

I Cried Today

Happy Sif’s Day!!!

I Cried Today. I don’t cry often. I am not one of those macho guys who think crying is a sign of weakness. At the same time I was raised with the notion crying is not a manly thing to do. I am part of that generation. I don’t rationally have a problem with it, but I think subconsciously I get a little disappointed in myself whenever the tears roll down my face.

I have made a decision to resign from my post as a teacher of social studies in my school as soon as I can and go back home. I had to and it sucks.

On Friday I was facing a lot of facts about my situation and they felt it – massive anxiety. The Grey’s ultimate effect. It was strong too. I knew what lay ahead and that was a breakdown. And then I caught myself and realized what was going on. Just. In. Time. Nervous breakdown avoided. How did I know it was a nervous breakdown? – because I have had one before.

That time not only did it nearly destroy me, but I went through it without any help only realizing what it was after the fact when I pulled myself up from it and looked at the symptoms in retrospect. My therapist back then told me I was lucky to be standing. But, I always get up. Keep going. That is so ingrained in me.

So today I told my family that I was giving up teaching and coming back to Michigan. The reaction was mixed. Part of that was a friend of mine who I also posted came over saying he would take my bed, desk, etc. but he had to take them today. So I tore some things down and they hauled them away. I felt weird about it, but I need to let things go. Minimize things. They were things I had bought with the money I had earned teaching, but I need to let it go. They are just things.

The problem is I then had an epiphany right after my friend left. I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like people looking at me like I am a failure and here was another failure. For the last five years, I have felt like I am both disappointment and a failure and at that moment I cried. I am so tired of trying to redeem myself against myself. I feel like I have failed my kids and friends so many times. It sucks.

This killed my marriage. I needed to talk about how I felt like a failure and a disappointment to my ex-wife and I couldn’t because of respect for her feelings. And I had to keep it inside. It killed us because I couldn’t talk about it. I needed to talk about how I felt I had let everyone down and was a disappointment to her in particular and I couldn’t because as she put it. “That’s the past and it just brings up bad feelings”. So I respected her feelings and died inside. Then it overflowed and killed our marriage too.

This epiphany solidified in front of me and my tears came. I know one thing I can’t stay here. I feel like I am running away but in truth, I was running away by coming here. I just didn’t want to admit it. Somehow I need to break this family curse of being silent. The Grey’s power needs to be broken. I just don’t know how to do it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Why I am Leaving Teaching for Good

Happy Thor’s Day!

I spent a lot of time during the Christmas Break pondering what I needed to do for the future. I had concluded that I needed to return to Michigan after year one in Texas but what about teaching itself. “Do I even like to teach anymore?” was the burning question this holiday season. The answer became ‘No.’ Slowly what has developed is a list of things of why, not only I need to go back home to Michigan, but also why I need to leave the profession of teaching far behind. In the end, I have a lot of personal, professional, and philosophical reasons to leave it behind and go do something else.

Personally, the list is pretty long. 1) This job triggers my high-functioning depression a lot. I do not enjoy life as a whole right now, and I am fighting through it and trying to get back to coping mechanisms that keep it from being overwhelming. 2) I don’t like Texas or Houston very much. It’s not the people, it’s the environment. 3) I am very alone here in this situation. My family support is very distant and that is my fault. 4) I don’t enjoy the job anymore. I don’t know how this happened, but right before the break I simply thought to myself ‘I don’t like this anymore, not any bit of it.” 5) I feel like I am back in the ministry emotionally and in my last year before I left that profession – and it has only been a year and a half. I am already struggling to keep going emotionally, and that is not a good sign. I don’t seem to have the ability to leave work at work with this one and that is not good for me personally. 6) The money is good, but if I am looking at the possibility of even retiring, I need to do better. Or do I need to simply go into business for myself? Lot questions here, the one positive I will be taking home from this raid into Texas is a lot of my debt will be paid off.

Professionally, There have been so many changes this year that have robbed me of what I enjoyed about the job. I liked the process of writing lessons and figuring out what to do each day, adjusting as I went. No, our team pretty much wrote everything out ahead of time and I feel like we are being forced into a style that does not fit me. I also was told by some that I wasn’t really teaching. What they meant was I was not teaching the way they were taught in school that teaching is. I find this narrow conception of what teaching is to be my largest issue with my colleagues who graduated with education degrees. I also feel the profession of education has too much about it like this.

Philosophically, I am way too libertarian for this job. Public education is all the things we libertarians say it is. Operant conditioning is bothersome at best to me. I now know why the media uses certain terms so much. It’s about conformity, not freedom. I actually find myself applauding my students who are rebels. I am also becoming more supportive of parents who decided on alternative forms of educating their children. This system is built by politicians and bureaucrats and it shows. The fact that one cannot be a teacher and be vocal about issues without the risk of losing one’s job is also bothersome. Time to leave as soon as practical.

So, the plan is to finish the year, pack my bags, and return to Michigan. I don’t as of yet what the future will hold. What do know is I need to get out of this place and profession. I need to return to my people and a place I love and enjoy and go from there.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

On the Road

Happy Thor’s Day!

I am on the road right now traveling to see my family. I want to keep my streak going so I want to write this ahead of time. It will drop on Thursday.

I do have some thoughts about travel. I guess in my old age I am starting to hate driving myself somewhere. I like going places and part of my goal this summer is to get my Passport renewed what I don’t like is the monotony of driving on American highways. I think there is something to be said for the old days where Highways were about the trip as much as the destination. It seems to be more about the destinations these days. If that is the case, I would rather leave the driving or flying to someone else.

In my next post, I will be in a new location.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

“Heritage, The Grey, and Dried Salt” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 27

Happy Mani’s Day:

I should be happy with my life right now, but I struggle with it.  Things are getting better for my life all the time, but I feel something is missing in my life. Now those of you of faith need to understand this has been going on for a while and it isn’t the result of losing my faith as it precedes this.  Jesus never filled this supposed hole in my heart as much as I preached it was so.  Before I lost my faith in Christianity, it was this thing known as The Grey that was like clouds over who I was that indicated to me that I was missing something.

Heritage:

I have been studying my family history to see if there is anything in it that might indicate why this is so. I mean there are signs you can see in people by where they lived when they got married, the number of children, divorce, and death in a lineage that can tell you if things were rough or smooth for that person.  My continued use of Ancestory has proven to me that stories can be written and my lineage is varied but readable.

Some highlights:

  1. My father’s biological parents were people who eventually abandoned him.  His father because he was a drunk and his mother who knew she couldn’t afford him and his siblings.  The Bauman and Hole families are those legacies. The first family stretches back to Germany; the second is Dutch and Irish. I only know all this now because I discovered my biological grandmother’s (who I did meet while she was alive) maiden name and that opened the door to who she was married to and their parents. My grandfather was a drunk by all accounts and my grandmother found herself alone and on the streets.  She gave up my father for adoption.  She would go on to divorce two husbands and finally find a man who treated her well.
  2. This biological lineage has highlights but is noted most for its many marriages, divorces, and remarriages even at times when divorce was only allowed for infidelity indicating that infidelity was present. But also some of these remarriages are because a woman or man would watch their spouse die of some disease. There is a lot of sorrow on this side of the tree inflicted by the world and by self. I can see it and I don’t even know many details.
  3. My mother’s side of the family is far easier and better documented. It is a story of successful farmers, pioneers, and colonists. Most notably the Ackley’s who came from England to settle in the British Connecticut Colonies in the 1600s.  Many of them originally from Weymouth England and London.  They ended up coming further and further west until they settled in the Kalamazoo and Portage area of Michigan.
  4. Of course, my mother’s mom is even simpler and shorter.  The came from the Netherlands.  Like the whole family just picked up and left the Groningen area of the northern Netherlands.  My great grandparents and their parents all at the same time just got on a boat and came to America in the 1890s. They settled in Michigan and the rest is a short but powerful history of a family of Dutch Reformed people doing well in their new land.

So does heritage being this split have an effect on me? I guess I will wait for the DNA test results, to clear up the few loose ends that remain.  But right now the fact all of this is clearer should be something I am enjoying but other things seem to be pulling me into the Grey.

Depression: 

I believe part of it is where I live.  It has been mostly overcast and dreary this winter and that is never good for anyone with depression. I have been getting more concerned about my finances but it looks like a new job in my current company might help alleviate that short term for a bit anyway. My car and I went into the ditch and it is developing mechanical problems since.  I may need a ‘new’ one.  Life is intruding a lot right now and that triggers depression even if it is good.

Family trigger warning: Reading further might be a little too troubling for family members.  I am simply trying to get some things clearer in my mind and I find writing them and posting them does this, so hang on from here down. 

My marriage has definitely improved, but for me, there is still a lot missing and no matter how I try to fight it, I am becoming more restless every single day. The one thing for sure is whatever is missing, this improvement hasn’t fixed it, at least for me. I feel very much like I am giving up what I want to make my family happy at this point. I know what I want to do but I am fairly sure there will be a lot of pushback. This struggle, of course, causes The Grey.  That and thoughts returning from a lost love.

Dried Salt:

Miss Salty returned to mind due to posting a Facebook memory only to find her reaction to it with her name attached.  I guess feelings about her have solidified to a point.  I miss her; I care about her still, but I still wouldn’t trust her.  I know that sounds stupid probably, but the pain of this is still not gone.  I was looking at some old poems about her on this blog and the feelings are still there when I read them.  Although. I did manage to get through John Legend’s – ‘All of Me’ without crying once or shutting it off to avoid crying. She still haunts me like a ghost.

I avoid any sort of news about her, I haven’t even looked at her social media pages since June of 2019. I intentionally try to not think of her at times but she seems to come back in my thoughts more than I would like. WTF?  I should be a lot wiser from this whole situation but I miss that feeling I had and wonder if I can get it back. It is not happening with my marriage, improved though it is.

I guess I cling to this because, for a few months in 2018, I didn’t feel like something was missing.  This bothers me.  What was it that made me feel like I wasn’t missing something, because this relationship with Miss Salty, in the final analysis, was a shitshow?  How did this rollercoaster of an affair make me feel whole for once? For the first time, there was light in The Grey and I want to know what was it about this relationship that did that?  Can I get it back some other way?  All these questions are just made to order triggers for The Grey. I guess I have something to talk about with my therapist.

Walking the Grey:

True to form, Perseverance kicks in and no matter how I feel, I keep walking. I remain The Grey Wayfarer. Ravens of reason and wisdom overhead while following the wolves of what I need and want.  I search for the missing thing that will make me whole once again. Finding this wholeness is a large driving force and motivation in my life right now.  I walk the Grey because this is so worth it to me, I will walk in sadness for the rest of my life to find it.  Succeed or fail, it is worth that much to me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Before and After” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 24

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day!

This post is a little later than usual because I am doing a little bit of an experiment with it.  In about a half-hour, my therapist and I will be meeting via Skype and we will be hopefully discussing some of my issues so what you are getting with this installment is The Grey and The Wayfarer ‘before and after’.  So the part marked ‘Before’ is what I was thinking before I went into session and the part marked “After” is my thoughts as I reflected on them after the session.  It has really been up and down these last two weeks so I need to talk about that.

Before:

The issues I want to discuss in this session are the main two of my marriage and identity.  In the issue of my marriage, there are some things I need to discuss with my wife and my therapist is going to help me, according to our last session, as to how to approach this discussion as I am a little apprehensive of talking about the specific issues.  It’s weird because this isn’t about sex or intimacy but more about common goals, vision and what are we going to do now. What are we now with our values shifting in different directions and the objective for our lives shifting.

The second issue of identity is one of trying to figure out what I am now that I am both an atheist and no longer a pastor.  Part of this is career issues that my job coach is helping me with and I will talk on that at a different time.  This is deeper than that.  More of a foundational question.  My hope is there will be some insight as the last two sessions have been more of me talking and her digesting things and coming to understand my situation.  Hopefully, she has some wisdom, because right now I could use some and I am starting to feel confined and trapped by the situation.  That’s before.  See what happens and then I will write an after and then post both.

After:

Things worked as I think she guided my own thoughts into doing what needs to be done.  I need to really think about a direct course of designing my life as far as what I am going to be while having options.  My primary identity is being a writer, but it is going to be my second one which can be multiple things that will define me as far as other people are concerned for a while.

Also, we talked about Christmas and the family mostly.  I just don’t want it to be drama, but I also have the task of telling people I don’t pray anymore over the meals.  It’s more about celebrating the season of Yuletide and being with the kids and grandkids as much as possible. I am just there to enjoy, not be the spiritual master of ceremonies.

Of course, we talked about my marriage and all I will say about that is that a conversation between us needs to take place soon.  No more there, as no one else needs to know yet what is going on. I just now have it very clear that before the new year my wife and I need to talk about some things. ‘Need’ being the keyword.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“An Atheist/Pagan Thanksgiving?” – Odin’s Eye

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day.    

Discussion:

There is no Norse correlation to the American Thanksgiving Holiday.  There is really no holiday at all from a Norse perspective at the end of November and the next holiday that would qualify would be Yule which is the last twelve days of December.  So what meaning could Thanksgiving have for an atheist/pagan?  Honestly, I think it is a nice celebration but it is the term ‘thanksgiving’ that gets me now – thankful to who? The implication is that there is an Invisible Sky Dad to be thankful to for stuff we have and we pause to give thanks to him. As an atheist, yeah no.

My pagan side centers on The Nine Noble Virtues of Asatru, being connected as possible to my heritage and family roots, and celebration of holidays that are based on the seasonal changes of the year.  Thanksgiving isn’t about any of that.  From my perspective as a harvest festival, it’s a little late in the northern clime where I live. Shit, we have had some snow already and most farmers have put away their shit for winter.

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If I am going to be thankful then, I am going to center on people and things that actually exist.  Notably, other people in my life that have actually done something to help me or make my life better.  Family, freinds and the people that created and founded this country on secular principles. It is after all a national holiday.

One note before we look through the eye – in concerning the former filter I had known as Faith – it is gone and I have decided not to replace it with something else.  Probably this is the best symbolism I can make concerning this issue.  One less cloudy filter to look through.  Live is mysterious enough without religion and faith to further muddy my vision.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Meditation:

Being thankful is probably more a part of the virtue of Hospitality, so it becomes a matter of who would one invite and show hospitality to as an expression of that thankfulness.  This is a matter for meditation but it ends with the people who have made decisions that have actually benefited my life. There is quite a list to lift a mug of mead to in that regard. Not just living today but in the past.  Ancestors both biological and philosophical that in the end revolutionized the world I live in right now.

Mystery:

I don’t think the mystery is so much divine any more to me but the question of who my ancestors actually were and what influence they had on my life.  There is a lot of unknowns that need to be discovered and I anxiously await the means to do so. If there is a legacy to be left to my grandchildren, it is to pull back the veil here and see the truth of who I am.

Spirituality:

The spirituality I can see with Thanksgiving is at some point my family will gather, we will share and meal and drink and talk about old times.  It’s the connections we have that make it a spiritual occasion.  Of course, I have to work that day but that isn’t my employer’s fault.

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Conclusion:

I work in retail so I will be from noon till 9 pm on Thursday at work doing the initial Black “Friday” sales. I always find this an interesting study in human behavior.  People decry that we have to work and should be home like everyone else, while they are shopping on the very day.  If companies didn’t make money because no one showed up on principle, they wouldn’t do it. I suppose this is the best I can say for Thanksgiving – let the Christmas shopping begin.  Salute to all my brothers and sisters working this holiday season in retail – “May the odds be ever in your favor”.

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I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Scattered Grey Showers” -The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 21

Happy Sif’s Day

Of course in the middle of the triumph of achieving a goal, The Grey would have to make an appearance and the problem is it is not one single thing causing the issue but several scattered showers of shit I would rather not deal with; but there it is.  There have been all kinds of scattered Grey showers this week and I haven’t been able to control them all the time which has led to some sleepless nights and emotions that have been less than happy ones.

It actually started the day after I achieved my one-year blogging goal with the simple thought of – ‘yeah that’s great, but you still don’t have a better job yet.”  I hate moments like that because they seem to take all the joy of succeeding at something away from me in a second. I shell up and just exist. I need a new job it’s true, but blogging every single day without fail is an achievement,  I know and anyone who blogs knows it is. It’s just The Grey has a tendency to crop in after I have a high moment.

If this wasn’t enough, I am working one day and over the speakers, it becomes clear that they have at long last changed the loop of songs to something new.  Cool right?  Except that now twice a day it seems I hear the song I don’t want to hear.  “All of Me” by John Legend.  It’s not that I think it is a bad song, it’s damn skippy good.  It is also connected emotionally to Miss Salty in a very strong way and then the whole memories shit of that relationship comes up and I want to cry.  Yeah, 6’4″ 275 lbs. weightlifter crying at work.  So The Grey kicks in as a protective measure and I try to ignore the song.  But later catch me singing it and thinking about her. What the Fuck?  This is why I avoid this song in the first place, and now I can’t avoid it at times.

So, I finally get a day off and I go to bed the night before and I have a dream. Yeah, it’s about The Dirty Pig.  Nothing big or symbolic just him making fun of me and laughing. Him doing his thing of doing things for his own entertainment and throwing me under the bus to that end. I used to be able to control my dreams a little, but as I grow older that ability seems to be lost. I think I still have enough ability to keep the ‘night terrors’ I used to have a bay.  If they come back, that will not be good.

I wake up and then I had to get up for a bit.  Kind of alarmed my wife as it is unusual for me to let my insomnia get me out of bed. The whole extreme anger thing is high with him.  Hard to control.  But then there is my old friend/enemy – the Grey and I head back to bed and fall asleep.

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My personality type makes me emotionally intelligent.  Sometimes called ’empathic’ and it’s pretty high in me.  The curse is that strong emotions in others or in songs or from my past experiences get supercharged because of it.   The Grey has developed in me as a counter to that. When things get too negatively strong, it kicks in to keep me sane. Cool huh?  But the downside is I don’t give a shit about anyone else in those moments.  I have also noted that The Grey occurs more frequently when I am not taking care of myself as far as self-love.  Loving myself keeps the emotional balance better, but I have to really work at that as it is much more natural to help other people than myself.

The other defense is introversion, but that isn’t good for me either.  Part of self-love is receiving love and you can’t do that by yourself.  This what led to the problems of last year.  My wife was penciling me into her busy schedule and I wasn’t a priority.  The church was taking a lot out of me and not giving much back in terms of emotional support and school wasn’t the outlet for my attention like it had been.  Along comes Miss Salty who absolutely understood this and BAM – affair, breakup, getting fired, near divorce, life turned upside down.

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The problem is I am absolutely terrified of letting someone else in right now.  Miss Salty leaving me and The Dirty Pig betraying my trust and leading the other friends I had at the church to fire me have all given me current trust issues off the chart at times. I function all right with people, but let them into my life to love and be loved by them? – yeah, no thanks.  Got my family, a couple close friends and that is it.  My wife helps a lot, but we both have to work and she is extroverted so she has to get away from the apartment or she would go nuts.  That leaves me alone.

The other downside is I get along better with women than men.  Men are comrades in arms but it takes a self-confident guy to be a friend that I trust..  I always feel men are competing with me rather than trying to be a friend. If you are that insecure, yeah, I don’t like you; because I know you’re going to brag about shit in front of me and I don’t do that.  I don’t need to because I am pretty secure in my masculinity.  I don’t have to prove my manhood to anybody.  Only one other guy on the planet gets that right now and that is why we are best friends.  Most men can’t handle that so they shy away for me or our relationship is the joking sarcasm of guys doing the same job and dealing with the same shit.

So women are easier to get along with for me. You can imagine how this is a downside. Today in the western world, 1) showing a woman some attention, 2) understanding her emotions and 3) being self-confident in your own masculinity equals flirting. Like, it comes naturally to me and that has lead to being flirted with back in return more than once.  Pre-affair this was just fun and a way to play around that broke up the monotony of life.  Women made my life more bearable with this flirting with boundaries thing.

Post-affair?  You draw your own conclusions but I have some women now that it is purely professional much like I act with guys.  But my natural tendencies are still there and so subtle I don’t often realize I am doing it.  Getting close to another woman as a friend is just difficult and undesirable given recent events.

So, I am left with my one friend who lives far away who thankfully calls me every few days to check on me and my wife.  My wife and I get along and she now very much understands that you can’t just pencil me in to be my lover/friend.  I have to be much higher on the priority list than that because I am high maintenance when it comes to internal emotions.

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That’s the bitch about being INFJ.  Perfect personality my ass.  Yeah, from an external point of view, we function and don’t appear to need human interaction as much, we navigate emotional situations well outwardly and get along pretty much with anybody.  The price tag of those positives is high internal emotional costs. We pay every part of that cost ourselves for the benefits others enjoy.  No human is strong enough to take that all the time and so the trade-offs are: 1) We disappear for a while, 2) it gets to a point of overload, so we develop coping mechanisms (aka for me The Grey) or 3) Eventually we explode and do something tremendously stupid or risky.  It’s a ticking time bomb that needs to have minutes added to the clock by #1 and 2 or #3 is inevitable.

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On top of it all, today (October 5th, 2019) is the 25th anniversary of my father’s death. Yeah, that always is a grey shower no matter what I do.  I still miss him.

But I keep walking. Ravens on my shoulder and wolves at my feet. My coat and cloak pulled tight against the storm.  No rest for the weary or the wicked.  The showers will eventually end and I will be that much stronger for walking through them.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!