Happy Sif’s Day!!!
I Cried Today. I don’t cry often. I am not one of those macho guys who think crying is a sign of weakness. At the same time I was raised with the notion crying is not a manly thing to do. I am part of that generation. I don’t rationally have a problem with it, but I think subconsciously I get a little disappointed in myself whenever the tears roll down my face.
I have made a decision to resign from my post as a teacher of social studies in my school as soon as I can and go back home. I had to and it sucks.
On Friday I was facing a lot of facts about my situation and they felt it – massive anxiety. The Grey’s ultimate effect. It was strong too. I knew what lay ahead and that was a breakdown. And then I caught myself and realized what was going on. Just. In. Time. Nervous breakdown avoided. How did I know it was a nervous breakdown? – because I have had one before.
That time not only did it nearly destroy me, but I went through it without any help only realizing what it was after the fact when I pulled myself up from it and looked at the symptoms in retrospect. My therapist back then told me I was lucky to be standing. But, I always get up. Keep going. That is so ingrained in me.
So today I told my family that I was giving up teaching and coming back to Michigan. The reaction was mixed. Part of that was a friend of mine who I also posted came over saying he would take my bed, desk, etc. but he had to take them today. So I tore some things down and they hauled them away. I felt weird about it, but I need to let things go. Minimize things. They were things I had bought with the money I had earned teaching, but I need to let it go. They are just things.
The problem is I then had an epiphany right after my friend left. I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like people looking at me like I am a failure and here was another failure. For the last five years, I have felt like I am both disappointment and a failure and at that moment I cried. I am so tired of trying to redeem myself against myself. I feel like I have failed my kids and friends so many times. It sucks.
This killed my marriage. I needed to talk about how I felt like a failure and a disappointment to my ex-wife and I couldn’t because of respect for her feelings. And I had to keep it inside. It killed us because I couldn’t talk about it. I needed to talk about how I felt I had let everyone down and was a disappointment to her in particular and I couldn’t because as she put it. “That’s the past and it just brings up bad feelings”. So I respected her feelings and died inside. Then it overflowed and killed our marriage too.
This epiphany solidified in front of me and my tears came. I know one thing I can’t stay here. I feel like I am running away but in truth, I was running away by coming here. I just didn’t want to admit it. Somehow I need to break this family curse of being silent. The Grey’s power needs to be broken. I just don’t know how to do it.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.