Depression

Why I Have Been Gone – Autistic Burnout?

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day!

If you also subscribe to my Youtube Channel Simple Life Philosophy, you already know that in therapy I discovered that I could be on the autistic spectrum. This has been a very revealing explanation of my past problems and struggles with what we know around here as The Grey. Depression. Depression is a symptom of a more significant issue with my nervous system, which may be wired differently than most. While haven’t had any official testing, the signs are all there and the ‘unofficial” tests say I have a high possibility of being on the autistic spectrum.

I have developed many mechanisms for dealing with this problem over the years and writing on a blog has been one of them. Some of my others include weightlifting, Reading, Hiking, Playing Games (this one is the one that is least productive and time-consuming 🙂 ), Writing in General, and most recently I am exploring gardening as a hopefully more productive way to deal with the nervous system stress as well as providing more of a tangible benefit.

For this blog and any blog I have had the danger is when I am stressed, I tend to write my feeling in their most raw form. This is why I moved away from writing personal posts here and simply went creative for a while. This has its limitations but it keeps me from posting things that are harmful to my family and friends feelings.

I have loved the latest round of fantasy fiction have been writing and the well hasn’t really dried up, but my motivation has been because I don’t have posts that express my true feelings right now here, so this blog writing thing isn’t really helping with my emotional expression issues, so I just don’t bother.

I am afraid right now to write expressing my emotions because I feel they would be much too raw. Too hard for others to deal with. So I mask and I don’t bother to blog at all. That’s right folks, not writing is a method of masking for me.

The Grey Wayfarer will always exist. It is too relatable a title to my own personal journey of life for me to ever discard it. That said, writing on this blog can be a joy or a chore. There is no in-between. Until I get a handle on the level of stress my autistic nervous system can take, it might always be this way. I just want you my faithful readers to know what is going on and that my posts are going to be sporadic until I get ahold of this issue better.

On a positive note, I have really taken off in writing off-screen with the design of making money. My novel has an outline and parts of it fleshed out and I am germinating a non-fiction book on my journey from faith to atheism. but even these two projects have their dry spells.

In short, if I am not around, just assume I am dealing with my new revelation of adult autism and learning about myself in ways I can live more effectively with it. I love all of you, readers, for sticking with me over the years. Thank you and as always…

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The Grey Wayfarer is Going Creative

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Sorry, I have been away for so long but I have been trying to get my apartment to where I want it and decide what to do with the Grey Wayfarer blog here. In the end, I can do a paper journal to keep track of my personal life with routines and all that. I need to get back into the practice of creative writing both as an exploring some possibilities and it is good therapy for me. So I am shifting this blog to a more creative route. So what will I be writing?

  1. I received the Solo Adventure’s Toolbox books 1 and 2 in the mail so I am learning the system so my series based on my solo adventures in Dungeons and Dragons will be starting very soon. I need to bone up on my 5th edition a little and do some initial world creation. After that, the system’s randomness will challenge me to push my creativity in directions I have not thought of before. Hopefully.
  2. I started another serial that is urban fantasy. I actually have written part of part 1. This one will be interesting as it focuses on one character, Norse mythology, and magic in our modern world.
  3. I am thinking about science fiction. I love science fiction but of all the genres, it would require me to research the most. I like my science fiction to be as close to real as possible. Perhaps short stories are best here.
  4. I am also going to try my hand at short stories, poems, and other creative projects. Note: no genre of writing is exempt from my hand which is why this blog will remain rated R and at times higher. I like dealing with real subjects in my writing.

I guess what we could say is that the Grey Wayfarer represents a journey of sorts. It will be my journey personally as I learn and grow and experiment with my writing. Part of who I am and what I am going through has always been expressed in my writing. Artists reveal a little about themselves with their art and I m no exception.

Will I still drop the personal post at times? Yep as I learn and grow, I will reflect on that from time to time. But my focus needs to be getting a better work situation, my YouTube Channel – which will launch in March – and getting back to writing. The goal is to retire to a cabin in the woods and become a philosopher and get paid for it until I hit the Long Dark. A very simple focus but requires me to think very differently about how to achieve it.

Thanks to everyone for following along this far as I struggle with recent changes in my life. The apartment thing is real for me if I am not comfortable in my environment I don’t do life well. The downside concerning this blog has been to not be writing. But I am feeling more comfortable now so the routines and writing should pick up bit by bit as I feel more creative due to being more relaxed.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Fatigue and Sleep Pattern Changes

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!!!

It was inevitable at some point that The Grey would make an appearance. This is what makes anyone who fights depression, win or lose, a little braver than most in my opinion. In my case the triggers are things like 1) returning to an old job and finding it feeling worse than it was before. 2) A nagging feeling of being a failure in teaching, even though I left for some very good reasons. 3) After visiting the apartment I had in mind, I now have some misgivings.

The misgivings about the apartment are the fact I will be dealing with some very religious folks who are the caretaker as they are a pastor and his wife. They were also people I knew by reputation when I was a pastor. The worst kind of fundamentalists in my opinion. Nice people but the world is one way to them to the point they can’t see other possibilities. The apartment is also bigger than I wanted. It could be a two bedroom with how big the living area is and with two big bay windows to cover heating is going to be murder. . If I have to pay the utilities for this, the expenses are going to be larger than I want. The real problem though is finding a place to live in this market. So I think this is the first feeling of a setback I have had since coming home to Michigan. That said, I might still take it because a lot of other plans depend on having my own space. It’s the weighing of options that is depressing me because I could live in a tent for a lot cheaper but it is too cold for that in Michigan right now.

Combine this with moving back to the third shift and the problems of switching to that sleep pattern and I am having some depression – yep. I am tired a lot more than I expected. I don’t need a lot of sleep but its shifting patterns mean sleep comes in short three-hour bursts at times. Not good.

So need to find new solutions and that means pulling my coat around myself a little tighter and pushing through and finding a way.

To-Do List 1-28-23:

  1. Visit to see my possible new apartment. – I have my misgivings if this is going to be a good solution.
  2. Generate novel ideas – brainstorm – only one novel idea comes to the surface and it involves a modern fantasy. It also involves being very adult. It also involves expressing feelings long buried, but I think it is time.
  3. List for YouTube Channel construction. – I have my list now it is time to execute. I have set my start date back because of my job to next weekend Feb 4th. Need to write an opening video outline at some point. I also need to find where I am going to record. The apartment thing had been my answer to this, but now I need something different.

To-Do List: 1-29-23:

  1. Go back to bed at 8am ( I am writing this at 5am) – this is the final effort to get some sleep at the right time.
  2. I need to write a workout plan for a five-day rotation. I really hope it gets warmer by March – I need to start walking again.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Some Days Are Better Than Others

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Odin’s Day!

Mindset is very important. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. This issue is to make progress. For me, this has been a very important thing because high-function depression – The Grey – is going to surface at some point and you still want to make progress.

I am going to say at the outset the best advice I have received in the last month was to shorten my To-Do List and make it at the most three things. This really makes it much easier to go forward and get things done. It simply isn’t as daunting as say a list of ten things. So how did I do yesterday?

Store my belongings someplace safe – My car is still full of stuff and I need to deal with it. – Got things put away at family members’ house – I still have to go through the stuff left in my care and organize it so I both reduce it and it takes up less space, but the main task is done.

Apply for the apartment I found. – I downloaded the application and partially filled it out. I am having a debate about this issue as to where my new job is and whether or not I want to live close to family or the job. The apartment I found is close to my family but would involve a drive to work. I also have a habit of just taking the first thing offered which has made me miss other things. The thing is I might not get it anyway so I probably should apply today to get it done. See what happens after that.

Go to the gym and get a good workout in – done good workout.

The point I am going to make is to look at how much of the list got done. Two out of three and the third has some genuine considerations about it to cause a delay. It also serves as an example of what happens when something isn’t done. It goes back on the list for the next day. It also gets a special not to either do it or have a good reason to take it off the list.

To-Do List 1-24-23:

  1. Store my belongings someplace safe – My car is still full of stuff and I need to deal with it. – finished
  2. Apply for the apartment I found. – partially with new considerations.
  3. Go to the gym and get a good workout in. – finished.

To-Do List 1-25-23:

  1. Apply for the apartment I found and search for more.
  2. Orientation at my Job.
  3. YouTube Channel Designing.

I am going to be working on routines and systems I can do given the current situation. I also will not comment so much on my To-Do List as I did today as I have other things to do and write (including some fiction), but I like how simple this is and it makes some days better than others by getting things done.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

I Cried Today

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day!!!

I Cried Today. I don’t cry often. I am not one of those macho guys who think crying is a sign of weakness. At the same time I was raised with the notion crying is not a manly thing to do. I am part of that generation. I don’t rationally have a problem with it, but I think subconsciously I get a little disappointed in myself whenever the tears roll down my face.

I have made a decision to resign from my post as a teacher of social studies in my school as soon as I can and go back home. I had to and it sucks.

On Friday I was facing a lot of facts about my situation and they felt it – massive anxiety. The Grey’s ultimate effect. It was strong too. I knew what lay ahead and that was a breakdown. And then I caught myself and realized what was going on. Just. In. Time. Nervous breakdown avoided. How did I know it was a nervous breakdown? – because I have had one before.

That time not only did it nearly destroy me, but I went through it without any help only realizing what it was after the fact when I pulled myself up from it and looked at the symptoms in retrospect. My therapist back then told me I was lucky to be standing. But, I always get up. Keep going. That is so ingrained in me.

So today I told my family that I was giving up teaching and coming back to Michigan. The reaction was mixed. Part of that was a friend of mine who I also posted came over saying he would take my bed, desk, etc. but he had to take them today. So I tore some things down and they hauled them away. I felt weird about it, but I need to let things go. Minimize things. They were things I had bought with the money I had earned teaching, but I need to let it go. They are just things.

The problem is I then had an epiphany right after my friend left. I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like people looking at me like I am a failure and here was another failure. For the last five years, I have felt like I am both disappointment and a failure and at that moment I cried. I am so tired of trying to redeem myself against myself. I feel like I have failed my kids and friends so many times. It sucks.

This killed my marriage. I needed to talk about how I felt like a failure and a disappointment to my ex-wife and I couldn’t because of respect for her feelings. And I had to keep it inside. It killed us because I couldn’t talk about it. I needed to talk about how I felt I had let everyone down and was a disappointment to her in particular and I couldn’t because as she put it. “That’s the past and it just brings up bad feelings”. So I respected her feelings and died inside. Then it overflowed and killed our marriage too.

This epiphany solidified in front of me and my tears came. I know one thing I can’t stay here. I feel like I am running away but in truth, I was running away by coming here. I just didn’t want to admit it. Somehow I need to break this family curse of being silent. The Grey’s power needs to be broken. I just don’t know how to do it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Why I am Leaving Teaching for Good

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day!

I spent a lot of time during the Christmas Break pondering what I needed to do for the future. I had concluded that I needed to return to Michigan after year one in Texas but what about teaching itself. “Do I even like to teach anymore?” was the burning question this holiday season. The answer became ‘No.’ Slowly what has developed is a list of things of why, not only I need to go back home to Michigan, but also why I need to leave the profession of teaching far behind. In the end, I have a lot of personal, professional, and philosophical reasons to leave it behind and go do something else.

Personally, the list is pretty long. 1) This job triggers my high-functioning depression a lot. I do not enjoy life as a whole right now, and I am fighting through it and trying to get back to coping mechanisms that keep it from being overwhelming. 2) I don’t like Texas or Houston very much. It’s not the people, it’s the environment. 3) I am very alone here in this situation. My family support is very distant and that is my fault. 4) I don’t enjoy the job anymore. I don’t know how this happened, but right before the break I simply thought to myself ‘I don’t like this anymore, not any bit of it.” 5) I feel like I am back in the ministry emotionally and in my last year before I left that profession – and it has only been a year and a half. I am already struggling to keep going emotionally, and that is not a good sign. I don’t seem to have the ability to leave work at work with this one and that is not good for me personally. 6) The money is good, but if I am looking at the possibility of even retiring, I need to do better. Or do I need to simply go into business for myself? Lot questions here, the one positive I will be taking home from this raid into Texas is a lot of my debt will be paid off.

Professionally, There have been so many changes this year that have robbed me of what I enjoyed about the job. I liked the process of writing lessons and figuring out what to do each day, adjusting as I went. No, our team pretty much wrote everything out ahead of time and I feel like we are being forced into a style that does not fit me. I also was told by some that I wasn’t really teaching. What they meant was I was not teaching the way they were taught in school that teaching is. I find this narrow conception of what teaching is to be my largest issue with my colleagues who graduated with education degrees. I also feel the profession of education has too much about it like this.

Philosophically, I am way too libertarian for this job. Public education is all the things we libertarians say it is. Operant conditioning is bothersome at best to me. I now know why the media uses certain terms so much. It’s about conformity, not freedom. I actually find myself applauding my students who are rebels. I am also becoming more supportive of parents who decided on alternative forms of educating their children. This system is built by politicians and bureaucrats and it shows. The fact that one cannot be a teacher and be vocal about issues without the risk of losing one’s job is also bothersome. Time to leave as soon as practical.

So, the plan is to finish the year, pack my bags, and return to Michigan. I don’t as of yet what the future will hold. What do know is I need to get out of this place and profession. I need to return to my people and a place I love and enjoy and go from there.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The New Year: “Be It Resolved…”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!!!

Anyone who knows me also knows that I do not hold much to New Year’s Resolutions. I do however believe in a quarterly assessment of my goals and vision for myself. If the new year is valuable to me it is in the assessment of progress and a change of course that is planned. A course correction and seeing I am completely off course, time to chart from where I am at to where I would like to be next year. I think this year I will head in the direction of ‘be it resolved by the end of 2023, I will…” Then list the needed things to change.

1 – Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, my morning routine will be well established.” My routine every morning will help with a lot of my coping mechanisms. In fact, most of it is a list of my coping mechanisms in action. 1) Get Up Early and Make Bed, 2) Meditation on the Nine Noble Virtues (5 min), 3) Full Body Stretch, 4) Weight Lifting, 5) Good Breakfast, 6) Hygiene Routine, 7) Get Dressed, 8) Reading – 3 chapters, 9) Write – Rough Draft or Edit and Post for the Blog. Yes, I will be writing every other day from now on. The main focus here is me and keeping my depression from hitting me by keeping myself healthy and mentally focused.

2. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will return to Michigan. I need to get back to a place where my depression bothers me less. It is closer to family and hiking, camping, etc. I love. Michigan people are my people. Houston just incites my depression. too much

3. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will change careers from teaching to something less stressful and just as or more lucrative. I need to finish my contract, but after that, I am done. This means everything currently must be up to snuff as far as credentials, professional development, training, etc. Then on to what? I don’t know that yet. Kind of like returning to the land you left to find out what has changed that you can take advantage of. I guess part of the challenge will be the discovery.

4. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will more actively pursue my new love – my shieldmaiden – if she will have me. I need to find her first. But something tells me the way to attract such a woman would be simply to be the best man I can be and see who is attracted to that. I think the only thing I am going to do here is, move to Michigan and then just be me. I do think I am going to be growing a full beard. Something like the gentleman below but my coloring will be different. Going to make myself into the healthiest, most masculine, and the sexiest old man I can be and see which female warrior is attracted to that. Time for this Odin avatar to find his Frigg.

5. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will be at peace with myself in better ways. 1) I need to write beyond the blog., 2) I need to find that outlet I need to be a voice. The Rabyd Atheist was my pulpit for a couple years, but I stopped because I realized how dangerous it is to have social media career and be a teacher. I actually am taking a bit of risk even with this blog. This is probably one other good reason to change to something that does not have that risk. 3) Have paid off as much debt as possible by the end of the year. The move is going to take money, but I think most of the small bills will be gone by February, and then it is my car. If I move back to Michigan with nothing but student loans, I will be in good shape.

So there it is – my five – “Be it resolved”. Should be an interesting year.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Thoughts on 2022

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day and Happy New Year!

I look back on 2022 with frustration and some sense of self-discovery. It’s amazing how much those two go hand in hand.

My frustrations stem from a lack of satisfaction with where I am and what I am doing. I dislike Texas for a lot of reasons. I don’t enjoy the politics of it; the sub-tropical climate without any season to speak of; unless you count moving from green to brown of the foliage at times. The people are friendly enough but their viewpoints on life deeply seep into Christianity. The Bible Belt is alive and well. I reminded of a Viking saying about Christians – “Don’t trust them – they talk peace but carry a sword”. Christians are on the defensive so they are apologetic and kind. Just wait if the tables ever turn. I remember the 80s and 90s all too well. Politics, Climate, Religion, and Oh, Yes. Houston is without a doubt one of the worst-designed cities on the planet. One of the costs one expects in a city is that its design would help with is transport costs. But no, Houston is designed in such a way that you have to drive everywhere, even down a couple of blocks because public transport is a joke and sidewalks are non-existent as far as I can tell. Overall, I would say the environment fits me like a size 6 shoe and I have 10 and a half feet.

Top it off, my dissatisfaction with being a public school teacher has grown to the point that I want to be done at the end of the semester. I will finish out my contract and call it good. I hear most don’t last between 2-5 years so I am in good company. For me it is a little different – this job requires me to care too much – much as I did as a pastor. This is bad for me personally for a number of reasons. I am burnt out from caring about so many. I just can’t do it much longer. I hope that makes sense. It’s not that I don’t care about people, but the direct involvement in a lot of things in everyone’s life – I just can handle based on the simple fact that I get tired of doing it. I am worn out from that, I now understand I am probably too old to get that fire I used to get from helping people like that back. I will send myself to an early grave with the stress of my emotions. I no longer can help at a deep level without it triggering a lot of the Grey for me. My empathy is killing me at this point.

It’s this fact that has triggered The Grey a lot for me. It has led to the self-discovery that when I help others, I fail to take care of myself. This is not about selfishness – it’s about self-preservation. I getting too old for this shit. I have a lot of goals I have yet to achieve and this is not the way. My self-care has suffered and I can’t let that continue.

So in Viking Spirit, I am planning on ending my raid into Texas this summer and heading back home – north – back to Michigan. I can handle one more semester as long as I know it is the last one. But also during this semester, I need to get back to my coping mechanisms that keep the Grey at bay and make my life better overall. I need to once again put myself first. Getting Back to lifting weights, proper diet, writing, reading, meditation, and plan simply being a voice in the world for the NNV and Reason. To live the Viking Life in the modern age.

I suppose the one positive of raids is the plunder is good. I have made more in the last year and a half than four full years of ministry. That said, teaching is a tough job that deserves more. I think I can do better now that I have some measure of what it means to focus on things. Just wish I had a shieldmaiden by my side to help me with the burden of life. That would have made things easier. I haven’t found any shieldmaidens in Texas, maybe they are all northern gals. So I would be headed in the right direction. Tomorrow’s post will have more details on my vision for 2023.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Re-Imagining The Grey Wayfarer

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

I haven’t sat down and written in forever; partly, it is the lack of inspiration. The other part of it is the time excuse but that is what it is – an excuse. To be fair to myself, I am learning a new job that is time intensive. That said, I have made a point to keep working at work and home at home. So is it a time thing or a making the time thing and then being disciplined about it. The latter is more likely. Mostly, I have just been wrestling against my depression.

Yes, The Grey, my old traveling companion down the road of life. It is at least a consistent companion if nothing else. Mostly it stems from being alone most of the time. I make enough money to survive and get ahead on paying debts but not much after that. I spend a lot of time at home alone. I thus do a lot of thinking -gasp – and that is a dangerous pastime as everyone knows. I am wrestling mostly with my future choices. What do I want to be?

I was the Rabyd Atheist for a while but the thought that kept running through my head was “is this what I want to define me?” I now think while I remain an atheist with a great deconversion story, I want that to be it. There is more to me than being an atheist and I want to search that out what that might be.

I am a social studies teacher in high school, but that is losing its allure as well. I think after so long as being the guy who called the shots, I don’t see that as often as I feel every time I turn around someone is joggling my elbow. Teaching is a craft to be sure but I find it time-consuming and frustrating for the above-stated reason. Honestly, I would rather e writing and hiking somewhere. Is it possible to make a living with some other job and still have time for the things I enjoy? It’s something I need to research.

As to this blog, I am Re-Imagining it to be something else. I still follow pagan philosophy and the Nine Noble Virtues. The issue is the application for me these days. Putting things into practice. So perhaps It is time to journal on these efforts again. We will see. In the meantime, you can see that I am still around and alive and well, despite the Grey.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Sorry for the Absence

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment
Happy Mani’s Day!

I am sorry for the recent few days I have been absent. It kind of was hard to even think of what to say on Friday as it would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. Then it just kind of went The Grey after that. I did realize that I think I have more of a desire to write fiction on this blog so I might change the lineup for more of that. See what happens tomorrow.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!