Depression

“Freeing Myself” – The Grey and the Wayfarer

/ Ed Raby Sr / 2 Comments

Happy Sol’s Day!!!

It been a long time, but long overdue. Here I am writing. This year has been very hard from “The Grey” point of view. I have been existing without any real purpose and I am finally getting sick of it. The boredom and loneliness have been pretty much the cause of me shelling up. COVID be damned because I still could do a lot of things right now – writing among them.

It’s the whole damn situation again that bothers me.

I miss dreaming of a better future and then going out and achieving it. I haven’t achieved anything I really wanted this year and it sucks. I am not sure what is causing what at this point – Is the Grey causing my lack of ambition or is it the other way around.  All I know is it is a vicious cycle for me.

I want the picture above. A man who has wandered long, fought his way to the shore and now gets to look at the view. Blood on axe and exhausted.  But feeling incredibly wonderful because he has written a new chapter in his story and it is a good one.

I haven’t been inspired by anything going on right now to dream, to have vision and that needs to stop.  The Wayfarer has spent
far too much time in this place. I have gotten comfortable with mediocrity.  Time to move on and start getting somewhere.

A large part of that is this Blog.  Probably the greatest testimony to my problem is this blog’s absolute silence for roughly the last
year. The occasional half-hearted attempt but nothing that lasts.  

I need to move and to do that I need to keep it simple. Some basics to work on and build on.

1.      Need to finish my certification for the career opportunity I have in front of me.  I just haven’t been inspired by anything
about it until now – That happy thought that will make me fly? – Freedom.  Living Free. And this career is the means.

2.      I need to write, read and blog as much as possible.

3.      I need to get my nutrition, lifting and walking back online.

4.      I need to work on my Youtube channel and make it better.

That’s it.  Nothing fancy to clog up the works, just get moving.  I don’t have time for it.  I just need to move.

I return.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The Grey Wayfarer – Upgraded

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day!!!

In some ways this is a test post, but in truth, I am also going to announce a few things that I hope will work. For roughly a half a year now I have wrestled with two things concerning this blog: 1) That someone banned it from Facebook for being ‘abusive’ and 2) What to do about it? My hope is that I have solved the problem.

Not that Facebook has contacted me or anything about it but rather I have tried ot contact them about it for quite some time with no results. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and change the URL. You will still see when you arive here that it is still thegreywayfarer.wordpress.com but I decided ot purchase the domain name so it is simply thegreywayfarer.com now. Hopefully I can post to Facebook again with this address, and to allow me further advantages, I have also purchased the personal plan here on WordPress so I will be able ot do some other thigns as well.

Now before all you joniour detectives go running about there are a few suspects I already have in mind and I can’t do anything about it. The problem with Facebook pages is that you really can’t block someone specifically from following you or reporting you. Why, if they didn’t like what i was writing didin;t they just unfollow? Well. some of my haters are probably dedicated to making my life as hard as possible. The other couple suspects are simply people personally invovled with me in the past and may now just not want ot deal with it at all. Possible a person form my former church but I am not going to write about that much at all as my new pulpit is The Rabyd Atheist my YouTube Channel. In large part, I have put them and their self-rightous nonsense behind me. Regardless, this blog is my baby and I am not going to go down without a fight.

That said I am going to reduce what I talk about here. I want to coninue to use it as personal journal of sorts regarding my goals and vision for my life. I also want ot use it to continue to use it to discuss the Nine Noble Virtues and perhaps do a little fiction writing to keep my creative juices flowing. I am not so much interested in using this as a platform for my personal life anymore, so much as keeping focused and engaging in a some creativity. It should be noted that obsticles to my goal will still be discussed and that includes my long running battle with The Grey or as it is more commonly known – depression.

Hopefully this post goes through to Facebook and problem solved unless that person also decided to get this one blocked as well. To that person, why don’t you just stop following the page and go on with your life? I am trying my best to do so and so should you.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Comeback?” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 31

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

It has been a long time since I put digital ink to digital paper and the most challenging thing is that WordPress has changed its format so I had to learn some new shit before I could even post. I really hate that. It’s not terrible but it is annnoying.

There are of course many more things that are annoying right now, not the least of which is my own depression. I has been a really difficult several months here and to be honest it has not been good for me in a lot of ways. A good chiunk of it has been due to not writing on this blog. So here I am trying to crawl my way out of The Grey.

Why the The Grey?  Because this blog kept me focused on what was important to me.  In the last couple months, I haven’t even focused on much about virtue or my goals and it shows. Survival Mode sucks. This blog not only recorded my life’s jouney, but now I see it also was about planning that journey and keeping me moving along the path. All that stopped when I stopped and now I am trying to recover it. 

So here I am in the middle of the night writing because the feelings of helplessness and lack of direction are overwhelming. I hate this and part of it is the old feelings of giving up what makes me happy in order for everyone else to be happy have returned with a vengence. This summer was far less painful in terms of heartbreak from a couple years ago (Less but still there), but more so in that what I feel I am missing is still missing.

So Part One of walking out of The Grey is to start writing again. I need also to change this blog in some major ways so it takes up little time. If I can’t get a post out in less than an hour then it is too long. Particlularly journal posts. I will be redesigning the posts to be split into smaller chunks.

It was funny. In March, I was in the best shape I have been mentally and physically in a long time. Then something triggered and I have been fighting uphill ever since. But I certianly didn’t help things by stopping my routines or writing on this blog.

The great mistake people make is that when they see my stopping this blog they sign relief because they don’t have to deal with my emotions and think that I am alright. It might be good for a lot of people, but it sucks for me and I am not alright.

But, I am going to have a comeback or die trying at this point. It starts here with blowing the dust off the virtues. Digging deep in myself and pulling my hat down over my head and my collar around my face and walking the storm known simply as The Grey. It starts now.

It is time to return. It is time to comeback.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Undying” – Skald Tales and Poems – Poem

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day! 

“Undying” – by Edward W. Raby, Sr. May 3-4, 2020

My love for you never dies

But that is not as good as it seems.

It drains me as it is not returned

Like a vampire’s kiss,

Thrilling and draining.

I give and get nothing.

You drain the blood of my love

From within it bleeds into you

But you are indifferent

Like a bored eternal vampire

you have moved on,

but I remain the one that is drained.

I miss what your love did for me,

but I hate what it does to me

If only it would die.

Perhaps I could slay this love

With a wooden stake peirce it forever

But I cannot – for it is undying.

Author’s Note’s

I am only going to note here that this is the first poem I have written in a while and I truly feel this. Perhaps it is no the greatest, but it is an expression of a part of my heart.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Taking a Hiatus” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day!

I’m on a temporary hiatus from the writing on this blog until May 3rd. After breaking the steak of consecutive posts, I realize that writing here had become a burden rather than a joy and that means I need to stop and recenter a bit.  I will be back on May 3rd. Mostly I need to get my life in order a bit and regroup.

COVID-19 is making the country nuts and this, of course, makes it harder for me as I feel everyone’s fears and anxiety.  I could literally make every single day right now a Grey and the Wayfarer post but that would be redundant and boring.

Stay safe everyone and I will be back May 3rd.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“One More Abnormal Week” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

I really have a lot of catchup to do this week.  I need to get goals, bucket lists and such finalized and starting next week get going on all of it.  I just feel really tired.  I think the lack of going to the gym and getting ut combining has really started to kick my ass. COVID-19 can go fuck itself.  That said I still can do a lot of things that are positive, I just need to find the energy to do them.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“Low Point” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 30

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day!

Full Family/Friends Disclaimer in Force.  This is me being raw as far as my feelings for the purposes of writing therapy. There are strong emotions with all this that may be uncomfortable for some. You have been warned.

This will be in two parts.  The first will be done before I talk to my therapist today and the second afterward. This is why it is later than normal today.

Before:

I think I am at a new low point since everything blew up almost two years ago  This spring so far as been hard emotionally. The memories and the stuck feeling I have just won’t seem to go away no matter what I do. I feel like The Grey is ever-present even when I have good things happening in my life.  I need a fresh start and I have the plan to do that.

I am not going to give the details. I am playing that part close to the vest and it is known only to a selected few. One of them is my wife, but the nature of it is causing a strain on us and our marriage because this is where our two different directions are starting to get the most obvious.  I love her, but this is where I feel I was before two years ago and now it’s worse because of everything that happened. I really feel like I am not in the right place anymore or doing the right thing.  I need to talk about this and get some clarity.

After:

If there is one word I need to keep in mind the next two weeks it’s ‘guilt’. That is why I feel guilty all the time when others are feeling bad.  My therapist wants me to take notes about how I feel guilty and specific cases in which I do feel guilty. I think she might be on to something. Is it guilty that holds me back the most?  I take full responsibility for things I can control and guilty for them is understandable, but am I feeling guilty for things I cannot control or for how others feel and think like I am the cause?

Something to think about and make note of for a couple weeks.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Pressing Through The Grey” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 29

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day!

Family disclaimer: You know the drill.  Going to be pretty open here.

This lest month has been a round of The grey that I am still trying to keep going through.  Things are getting better in small incremental ways but it is becoming clear that I cannot remain where I am geographically for too much longer.  I need change or the promise of coming change in a short amount of time or things are going to be more and more difficult to fight off.  I am too near people I hate, trigger memories I don’t want or make life awkward for me.

I have a plan in motion but I need to keep it pretty close to the vest because the last thing I need is my enemies getting ahold of it. Sometimes it is best to let them eat static and silence.  The main issue for me is my emotions about things as I am definitely leaning more to the side of self-love and fulfillment on this one than anything else.  It is what gets me out of The Grey when I think about it.  That’s how I know it is pretty solid.

I press on in other ways through this blog, my Youtube channel and finding some solace in the weights and work.  I am hoping the weather breaks soon so I can get some walking in. I need to activate as many coping mechanisms as possible.

The problems are that I feel so little connection at times.  Something my therapist indicates she worries about. I miss a lot of things relational and emotional right now and this triggers The Grey fairly regularly.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Grey and Spirituality” – Odin’s Eye

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day.    

Discussion:

This is not a ‘The Grey and The Wayfarer’ post.  It is more of a reflection on how The Grey affects and has affected my spiritual life over the years.  In the beginning, I think the grey was caused by guilt from not living up to a religious standard that was impossible to live up to.  Always wanting to please God and falling woefully short.  If you add in an abusive babysitter (mentally and sexually), then you get a mix of other issues.  Deaths of significant male figures in my life – both my grandfathers and then my father before I was 30 thrown in and then you get a lot of reasons to fight depression and The Grey that comes with it.

The grey is not so much depression as the result of when I have to shut my emotions down to cope with the heavy feelings that come with it. The Grey is something I would call a chosen numbness in order to not feel the pain of sadness and loss. Very few people understand it and those that do get my attention because it means they care a great deal about me or at least want to know me enough.

As my history of the last few years involved my loss of religious spirituality, I have come to know a different kind of spirituality to cope with The Grey, one that still involves meditation and connections. Just not of the imaginary variety anymore.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Meditation:

I reflect on connections the most because it has been on the one hand these connections that are often the most effective in getting me out of both depression and The Grey. They also have made the most vulnerable to being hurt some more and giving me more cause to experience depression triggers and thus more of The Grey.  Miss Salty was the latest of these, she seemed to know what to say every time and then when she left me I felt so betrayed that it hurt very badly for a long time. Still does. I often simply have to find a way to counterbalance things with other coping strategies at that point. Meditation on the virtues helps in a spiritual manner in this regard, but so has throwing off the imaginary sky dad and it is ‘all going to be better bye and bye’ bullshit.

Mystery:

Relationships are helpful to the coping with the Grey, but I find them so mysterious at times as far as trust, loyalty and so forth.  I trust even less these days.  I find new friendships difficult at best and nearly impossible with some people. I wish i could find my way past this as they are often the best things for me in dealing with The Grey. I jsut live so far from my friends and this needs to change if I am going to make any headway in the ‘friends for me’ department.

Spirituality:

I have the simple act of living the virtues under spirituality and they work for me many more times than not. I just find them growing a little more tedious because I use them so often, but habits have that tedious aspect to them at some point when developing them. These are no exceptions.

Conclusion:

I want obe much better, but certain times of the year and certain situations come up so often that The Grey is inevitable. I fight it but I wish very much I didn’t have to.  Most people want me to be just over it.  I simply know my soul will always weep and I will walk the grey in the rain fo my tears. I know this is my path probably the rest of my life, but I do find that the joys of spirituality in my atheist mindset have been the most helpful to getting the clouds to go away more often and with more sunshine.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Last Week of Open Discussion – Part 1” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

Wow. Amazing sometimes how an image will trigger shit.  This microphone image, for instance, triggers a time where one of my old now-deleted blogs was my forum and it was probably my most popular blog, mostly because it was so raw. The Rabyd Microphone will live in my memory as a time where I was hurting very badly and let everyone know it. I seem better now, but at the same time, I have toned it down a bit which means I keep some things in, which is not good. Something I am going to write on for tomorrow’s Odin’s Eye.

Looking at the calendar, I want to time my routine discussion for the last full week of March before I launch some new goals and change some of my bucket lists. Because of this, I have this week as more of an open discussion on what the changes might be before I begin the more detailed ones starting next week.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I see no need to change the virtue or its principle here.  That has never been the struggle with honor.  Honor itself is a struggle of high difficulty all its own. it is having that feeling of value in yourself and recognizing it in others that is the challenge.  This has always been about being honorable by habit.

My goal here was to blog each day for a whole year with the desire that the blog would be an honorable expression of my life and goal achieved but now I continue the streak and we passed 500 days a long time ago. Now, I look for a goal that allows me to start honoring my commitments to myself. So now the issue is moving from being a blogger to a committed writer.  This is a commitment I want to honor to myself. What that goal will specifically be I don’t know quite yet, but it will involve honoring myself by being committed to being what I want to be.

The bucket list item will remain as it is.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Honestly, I don’t see any changes here at all.  I want to keep the crossing one thing off my bucket list every year thing anyway and it is a goal that reflects courage.  The only question I have for next year is whether to up the stakes and make it crossing off two things instead of one.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

Once again the Virtue and the Principle are solid.  The goal is probably the one that will not happen because I really need to change this to reflect more of a writing habit than a specific end goal.  Or that the end goal is to have a habit of writing.  if I focus both my goals in Honor and Truth to this end I might see better results.  The bucket list item is already behind by a few books because I have trouble with my routines.  Not that they are bad routines or take a long time.  It is just right now my battle with my depression triggers is a losing one.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I know what I need to do right now, my depression is keeping me from doing it because I am once again in this battle between doing what is best for myself and what will not hurt others. I don’t like hurting others because it depresses me, but if I don’t act soon in love toward myself, that will continue to depress me.  The solution is to make the decision to love me and then walk through the emotions of others because that is the quickest and easiest way to feeling better overall.  I just hesitate every goddam time. I don’t like making others uncomfortable. I feel that shit and I don’t want to feel it.  But I also don’t like feeling like shit because I am not doing what I want to do either. One of these has to give or the problem will continue.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

Like I said – this routine is good and would help me battle my depression. I just need more of the Virtue of Discipline in my life. right now and get past my feeling on it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!