Happy Sif’s Day
These last two weeks have been interesting and challenging. I was in the doctor’s office on Thursday and as always a little anxious. I was there for my routine checkup and consultation. But as I waited I did some thinking. I have had the following experiences this last couple of weeks.
- I have had more denials from potential employers in the last ten days than in a couple months previously. It’s like all the applications I filed came back with nulls.
- At my current employer, I was passed over for a job and it was given to someone with no experience whatsoever.
- I have had another bout with The Grey and while it was not severe. The cause was known, however.
- I have had a doctor’s appointment and while a lot of the news was good, there was some news that reminded me I am getting older. And that sucks by the way.
- The End of August marks one year that my wife and I have been back together after our separation last summer and that has lead to some very reflective moments about my marriage.
This post is about taking a few deep breaths and looking at each of these a little reflectively and spiritually.
I guess I have to say the whole job situation has caused me to look at the basic fact that I have not really discovered what my new identity is. It is in-process both practically and spiritually and so there is that. Mostly though the practical concerns will start to become forefront issues in the next couple of months I don’t find something better. For now, though my meditations center on who am I?
The decision at work at first angered me and then I just felt disrespected. It was like really, could have slapped all of us from the department any harder, especially those of us that work hard over here and have management experience? Then I took a breath, realized that this is not my place, I am in my heart looking to move on to something better, so I might as well get about it.
My bought with The Grey recently was brought about by a song played on the radio at work. It was my song to Miss Salty and it triggered the whole mess of feelings involved in that. One thing they never seem to mention about being empathic is that emotions experienced in certain situations stay and lay dormant until something triggers them and then there you are all over again. Which triggers a whole lot of meditation on the problem. My most recent meditations have led me to a question: What exactly is The Grey?
Depression? It involves depression but there is that switch that goes off to protect me from the sadness so I feel nothing. In that state, am I depressed or something else entirely? I think I might have had an introspective moment because of this that might lead to an awakening. I hope so.
I took a lot of those deep breaths before I met my new doctor. I just passed 50 so the protocol becomes: ‘You need this test done, you need to start this medication as a diabetic.’ I am like – what is this malevolent magic that took place where all this was unnecessary at age 49 and 364 days but one day later, a whole list of evil fairies have comes and makes you vulnerable to a whole new crops of shit. I hope my new doctor is a good salesman and explains things well, because if you don’t sell me – Yeah, fuck that shit.
The problem is that all my health indicators indicate I am healthier than I was last year, but somehow my medicines need to be increased and new treatments engaged for possible problems down the road. I hate American medicine, they either engage in damage control after the fact or their definition of preventative medicine is purely put more pills in your body. Not my thoughts on how to approach my health.
I don’t take too much for granted when it regards my marriage. Our reconciliation is in truth a work in progress. I simply acknowledge here that It still might not work, something I started when we first decided to go down this path to my family and something I remind myself of right now. I want it very much to work, don’t get me wrong. But I also acknowledge the struggle in my heart between how much do I have to give up as far as my personal happiness to stay married? I shouldn’t be looking at it that way should I, but I am, and that is very troubling to me.
- My wife and I have very different values now. That is basically because I ‘fuck it’ to my former faith and she has not. What is important to me is very different than what is important to her. And it is growing more divided.
- Our goals are very different and trying to find common ground either involves a lot of compromises or straight up, from my perspective, me giving up a lot of my goals entirely. I am growing weary of having to give up what I desire simply to make my family and friends happy, and that is exactly the state of mind I was in that caused me to walk away a year ago. Not good.
- I now know what aspects of a relationship with a woman I am missing and still desire. It creates a longing in my heart that I cannot seem to shake.
I think it is time to look within. Discover who I am again and out of that might flow a lot of answers. It is time to awaken and to take that first breath of who I am now. It is time to find that person and become them.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.