“Undying” – Skald Tales and Poems – Poem

Happy Mani’s Day! 

“Undying” – by Edward W. Raby, Sr. May 3-4, 2020

My love for you never dies

But that is not as good as it seems.

It drains me as it is not returned

Like a vampire’s kiss,

Thrilling and draining.

I give and get nothing.

You drain the blood of my love

From within it bleeds into you

But you are indifferent

Like a bored eternal vampire

you have moved on,

but I remain the one that is drained.

I miss what your love did for me,

but I hate what it does to me

If only it would die.

Perhaps I could slay this love

With a wooden stake peirce it forever

But I cannot – for it is undying.

Author’s Note’s

I am only going to note here that this is the first poem I have written in a while and I truly feel this. Perhaps it is no the greatest, but it is an expression of a part of my heart.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Viking Philosophy – Part 5 – Keep Your Camp in Order” – The Pagan Pulpit

Happy Sol’s Day!

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be (if any) either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: “Viking March”

Meditation:

 

Image may contain: 1 person, possible text that says 'If you don't fit in, then you are probably doing something right.'

Text:

Sermon: ‘Viking Philosophy – Part 4 – Keep Your Camp in Order.’

Perhaps some would say this applies only to camping but if one takes into account the fact that Vikings often would set up camps in a an area for months, then it becomes more about taking care of CAMP, as in wherever you are camping your ass at the time. There is also more here than tents and fires.

  1. Keep Things Tidy and Organized – Clean and organized is beneficial in all circumstances.  It always you find things quickly and if you need to pick up and move quickly, it is far easier.
  2. Arrange Enjoyable Activities Which Strengthen the Group – People need to be kept in order too but in a different way.  The more important thing is that during the time in camp the activities build morale and strengthen the group.
  3. Make Sure Everybody Does Useful Work – There is nothing worse in a camping situation than someone who is lazy.  Almost as bad, is someone who does things but they are useless to anybody.
  4. Consult All Members of the Group for Advice – Never leave anyone out and make sure all advice is heard.  Everyone has their perspective nad sees and hears things you do not as a leader. If everyone is consulted, then it gets easier to make things work and people will cooperate more.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, beard, possible text that says 'I TALK I SMILE I LAUGH TOO BUT BE CAREFUL WHEN I'M LEN'

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Viking Philosophy – Part 4 – Be a Good Merchant” – The Pagan Pulpit

Happy Sol’s Day!

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be (if any) either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: Trobar de Morte – ‘Summoning The Gods’

Meditation:

Image may contain: 1 person, meme and beard, possible text that says 'NEVER INTERRUPT WITCH/VOLVA YOUR ENEMY NORSE OHATHE WHILE THEY ARE MAKING A MISTAKE'

 

Text:

Sermon: ‘Viking Philosophy – Part 3 – Be a Good Merchant’

One of the unknown historical things about the Vikings is that they were good traders. Most see the Vikings as raiders but their main long term objective was trade routes. Now the Vikings if they seemed to have shortcoming militarily it was siege\ing cities so the better strategy was to threaten economic warfare but then offer trade as an alternative to war.  Sometimes it was simple once the Vikings colonized they traded with the new colony. In any case, being a good merchant was part fo the game of being a Viking.

  1. Finding Out What the Market Needs – selling means filling a need.  You can try to sell ice and snow to Eskimos all you want but they don’t need them.
  2. Do Not Promise What You Cannot Keep – No one will do business with a person who can not deliver on their promises.  The great correcting force of the market is if you sell shit people will stop buying it and if you don’t deliver – same.
  3. Do Not Demand Overpayment – Make sure your prices are affordable and you will get long term business.
  4. Arrange Things So You Can Return – The long term is the focus in the end.  Being able to do business and keep doing it repeatedly. This is why being honorable and truthful leads to self-reliance.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, possible text that says 'Nordic Bloo Love all. Trust few. Everything's real but not everyone's true.'

 

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Isolation” – The Rabyd Skald

Happy Thor’s Day!

This mostly a post to keep the steak of posts every day going but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am pretty much an introvert and spending time at home alone is something that I do a lot.  If it wasn’t for work some days, I would not go out.  I do worry about this aspect of myself because I do crave good relationships.  I just have high standards.  I the meantime it seems everyone else is taking on my lifestyle thanks to the virus COVID-19.  Enjoy.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Pressing Through The Grey” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 29

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day!

Family disclaimer: You know the drill.  Going to be pretty open here.

This lest month has been a round of The grey that I am still trying to keep going through.  Things are getting better in small incremental ways but it is becoming clear that I cannot remain where I am geographically for too much longer.  I need change or the promise of coming change in a short amount of time or things are going to be more and more difficult to fight off.  I am too near people I hate, trigger memories I don’t want or make life awkward for me.

I have a plan in motion but I need to keep it pretty close to the vest because the last thing I need is my enemies getting ahold of it. Sometimes it is best to let them eat static and silence.  The main issue for me is my emotions about things as I am definitely leaning more to the side of self-love and fulfillment on this one than anything else.  It is what gets me out of The Grey when I think about it.  That’s how I know it is pretty solid.

I press on in other ways through this blog, my Youtube channel and finding some solace in the weights and work.  I am hoping the weather breaks soon so I can get some walking in. I need to activate as many coping mechanisms as possible.

The problems are that I feel so little connection at times.  Something my therapist indicates she worries about. I miss a lot of things relational and emotional right now and this triggers The Grey fairly regularly.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Religion, Sex, and Deconversion” – Freya’s Chambers – Sex

 

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

When I was a person of faith and religion, sex was an uncomfortable topic for me and those around me.  Mostly because there is this whole notion of sin that is injected into the picture. Plus there was a lot of shame associated with being found to have a sexual attitude that differed from the acceptable norm.  Certainly, my sexual education really didn’t have a chance to get anything factual unless it was by accident. Being the rebel I have always been when it comes to social mores, I found myself at odd on the subject of sex and nudity in the Christian context more than once. The real issue for Christians is keeping the desire for sex inside their so-called god-given boundaries. That being one man, one woman in marriage for life. This avoids the deadly sin of Lust.

When I realized that the whole sin thing was made up, this caused me to change my attitudes about sexuality quite a bit.  Mostly things get really basic as I think that the whole ideas of faith and religion actually complicate the matter of sex quite a bit. In religion, everyone argues nuances to see how far they can push their own sexual proclivities. The discussion, if it is had at all, is one of arguing small details of ‘how far is too far’.  I mean it really comes down to looking at each sexual issue and asking does the Bible or the religion allow it?  In my own faith, the issues of masturbation and whether in marriage oral sex, anal sex and BDSM were allowed. The one thing for sure was no one is allowed to think for themselves on the subject.

See the source image

This leads to all kinds of secret behavior that in many ways is far more erotic, unsafe and in many ways weirder than outside the church when it comes to sex. The most common being that religious teens are often told little about birth control if at all, but sooner or later the young couple gets alone and things happen. Unwanted teenage pregnancies anyone?  Not to mention that while abortions are opposed by Christians, the people who actually get them the most, probably because of the unwanted pregnancies, are Christians.

See the source image

If only birth control were taught in a proper manner, then fewer of these abortions would take place.  But that is the kind of logic that religion causes you to not even consider.  Sex before marriage is a sin and so is abortion.  You don’t need birth control because its a sin to have sex before your married and you will thus never need an abortion.  If only human behavior conformed so nicely into such black and white terms.

See the source image

This, of course, leads to the hypocrisy of the public maintenance of certain standards while at the same time privately not even at times being remotely close to those standards.  Divorce, infidelity, and abortion are higher among the religious than the irreligious and I understand now why.  There is an incredible power to guilt to keep control but at the same time, such guilt produces curiosity.

See the source image

I experienced this over and over myself as people would tell me such and such behavior was harmful and then I would start thinking about the behavior and why it was harmful.  Sooner or later I would engage the behavior and then discover it wasn’t that harmful – let’s just say if masturbation makes you blind, I should have been sightless a long time ago. If there is some physical malady that arises from watching or looking at porn, yeah, I would have that too.  So far all I could say was I developed a lot of guilt for nothing.

See the source image

Since deconverting, I have no hell to worry about, no wrath of a god that doesn’t exist.  The guilt aspect has diminished quite a bit.  Sex has become a part of life, nothing more or less.  Much more rationally approached.  I enjoy making love to my wife; we have a good time.  but, I don’t get guilty about it when I find myself sexually attracted to other females though – it’s normal.  What I do consider is consent, safety, and maturity which includes societal consequences.  In the case of my wife – fidelity as a virtue is actually much more important than it was as a believer.  Because I don’t assume it anymore and look at it as something to strengthen and improve because that is what you do with virtues.

See the source image

I personally am much more open to a polyamorous relationship, but my wife is not, so I honor that and respect it as long as we continue to choose to be together.  Because all those vows made before God, don’t mean shit to me anymore.  My religion was discarded a long time ago and with it the attitudes it has concerning sex and marriage.   What matters is fidelity and honor. For those, I stay true but rationally realistic about my own sexual desires.  I see religion colors the lenses so badly, it leads to more trouble than it is worth.

My Two Cents,

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Grounded in the Present” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

There is a legend that has some ring of truth that at the battle of Stamford Bridge a single large Viking with a greatsword or ax held off the Saxons for a couple hours on the bridge until someone underneath the bridge stabbed him in the groin and brought him down.  Such a man died for his kin and had little concern for the past and the only view of the future he had was the possibility that his sacrifice would save his fellow Vikings lives as they retreated across the river.

As much as I wasn’t to learn from the lessons of the past and look to the future, the issue is always the present moment as to whether I am acting in a manner that reflects both. There is no guarantee of anything future and the past is irrelevant.  What can be changed is that brief fleeting present moment.  Moment by moment, change by change one develops one’s life. This is why the self virtues of discipline, perseverance, and fidelity. Virtues that are used every present moment.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

I think if there was any mistake in the goal here it is was to be too specific about the technique of the Paleo Diet.  The real goal was to lose fat and gain muscle through diet and nutrition and for the most part what I do is actually a combination of Paleo and Keto which really works for me although for next year I want to take it to the next level.  it is said abs are made in the kitchen and I want to put that to the test. How lean can I get?

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

This goal will be a slam dunk come March.  The question is what to do next year.  other than do it again which seems lame. I need a goal to be training for – bodybuilding? powerlifting?  I don’t know.  I like to be healthy and not take training risks that could lead to injury. More thought required here.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Some sort of family and freinds goal I think.  I don’t know.  I want to do something for my children as a way of showing my appreciation to them all. more thought again but, I think that this is a good direction.

It should be noted that the first part of my bucket list goal of discovering all the countries of my origins genetically is already coming along pretty well. So far I have cities to visit in Bavaria, The Netherlands, England, and Ireland (yep, I can drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day).  But there are still parts where the legal documents so far are not enough so I am still awaiting the results of my genetics test to fill in after the legal trail dead ends.  But it has been a wonderful journey.  No Scandanavian yet. if there is at least 3% Valhalla awaits.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

The wisdom of the present moment is something I walk with each day.  Plans and goals are great and all but it is the perseverance of discipline that allows one to make progress each day and one’s relationships that allow one to be strong fora reason.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

Short but good.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 6

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.
  6. Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Happy Valentine’s Day” – Freya’s Chambers – Sex

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

See the source image

Just a short post here on Valentine’s Day wishing you and your significant other(s) a happy Valentine’s Day.  Have a romantic and sexy time. May your breath be taken away in more ways than one. 🙂

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Good, The Bad and The Grey” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 28

Happy Mani’s Day!

Introduction:

Yes, I know this is another week without a proper “Of Wolves and Ravens” post Yes, I also know this is two weeks in a row of “The Grey and The Wayfarer” after like a month and a half of nothing before that. Just imagine me like Odin sitting on my throne and brooding at the things that trigger my depression and realize that there are about three things right now that are doing it. My Ravens are tired of cawing in my ears and my wolves are hungry for relief which makes them irritable and aggressive, and that leads me to a situation where despite good things happening and bad things happening, I don’t give a shit either way.  That my friends is what ‘The Grey’ is in a nutshell and what it does to my life.

The Good:

A lot of good things have been happening:

  1. I got promoted at work and that translates into more responsibility, more hours and a pay raise which translates into more money.
  2. I am expecting my fifth grandchild and my second grandson and the first grandson with the Raby last name. Lucas Edward Raby will add another fine strong name to the family tree.
  3. Speaking of family trees, mine on ancestory.com is growing and I am getting it more and more fleshed out.  My roots are a tangled mess at times but I can’t say they are not strong ones.
  4. I have made a more final decision about my career long term and I think it is a solid and good one.

The Bad:

  1. My wife’s best friend was involved in a car accident that nearly killed her and has left her in a very critical state.  So much so this weekend my wife headed own to see her in the hospital. I didn’t have to work this weekend except for one day, but it meant I was home alone for a couple days with nothing really to do.
  2. Right now social media is risky, I keep seeing Miss Salty’s name not only in reactions to memories Facebook gives me, but also she is in the comments a lot. This, of course, gets me to thinking about her a lot more.
  3. The weather has turned grey with snow and cold.  I am so over it.  Ice in my veins and all, my joints don’t take the cold as well as they used to and the lack of sunshine depresses me.

The Grey:

  1. The temptation level to alleviate the stress of all this has not overwhelmed me but it has caused me to shell up.  I have to shut down my emotions right now a lot or my empathy and desires will get the best of me. My wolves don’t like this.  My ravens see it as a necessary evil.
  2. I miss having a person in my life who understands this as part fo who I am and my way of thinking/feeling and who could get through it and make me feel human again. I had that a couple years ago with Miss Salty and that thought bothers me too.  What was it about that trainwreck of a relationship that made The Grey seem so weak and distant?

Conclusion:

Whatever it was, it is gone now.  I am left like a brooding god sitting on his throne wishing he didn’t have the gift of foresight and could enjoy the good things that are happening more and could empathize about the bad.  I just can’t do either.  It hurts too much either way so I walk The Grey instead.  I can only hope this storm passes soon.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Heritage, The Grey, and Dried Salt” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 27

Happy Mani’s Day:

I should be happy with my life right now, but I struggle with it.  Things are getting better for my life all the time, but I feel something is missing in my life. Now those of you of faith need to understand this has been going on for a while and it isn’t the result of losing my faith as it precedes this.  Jesus never filled this supposed hole in my heart as much as I preached it was so.  Before I lost my faith in Christianity, it was this thing known as The Grey that was like clouds over who I was that indicated to me that I was missing something.

Heritage:

I have been studying my family history to see if there is anything in it that might indicate why this is so. I mean there are signs you can see in people by where they lived when they got married, the number of children, divorce, and death in a lineage that can tell you if things were rough or smooth for that person.  My continued use of Ancestory has proven to me that stories can be written and my lineage is varied but readable.

Some highlights:

  1. My father’s biological parents were people who eventually abandoned him.  His father because he was a drunk and his mother who knew she couldn’t afford him and his siblings.  The Bauman and Hole families are those legacies. The first family stretches back to Germany; the second is Dutch and Irish. I only know all this now because I discovered my biological grandmother’s (who I did meet while she was alive) maiden name and that opened the door to who she was married to and their parents. My grandfather was a drunk by all accounts and my grandmother found herself alone and on the streets.  She gave up my father for adoption.  She would go on to divorce two husbands and finally find a man who treated her well.
  2. This biological lineage has highlights but is noted most for its many marriages, divorces, and remarriages even at times when divorce was only allowed for infidelity indicating that infidelity was present. But also some of these remarriages are because a woman or man would watch their spouse die of some disease. There is a lot of sorrow on this side of the tree inflicted by the world and by self. I can see it and I don’t even know many details.
  3. My mother’s side of the family is far easier and better documented. It is a story of successful farmers, pioneers, and colonists. Most notably the Ackley’s who came from England to settle in the British Connecticut Colonies in the 1600s.  Many of them originally from Weymouth England and London.  They ended up coming further and further west until they settled in the Kalamazoo and Portage area of Michigan.
  4. Of course, my mother’s mom is even simpler and shorter.  The came from the Netherlands.  Like the whole family just picked up and left the Groningen area of the northern Netherlands.  My great grandparents and their parents all at the same time just got on a boat and came to America in the 1890s. They settled in Michigan and the rest is a short but powerful history of a family of Dutch Reformed people doing well in their new land.

So does heritage being this split have an effect on me? I guess I will wait for the DNA test results, to clear up the few loose ends that remain.  But right now the fact all of this is clearer should be something I am enjoying but other things seem to be pulling me into the Grey.

Depression: 

I believe part of it is where I live.  It has been mostly overcast and dreary this winter and that is never good for anyone with depression. I have been getting more concerned about my finances but it looks like a new job in my current company might help alleviate that short term for a bit anyway. My car and I went into the ditch and it is developing mechanical problems since.  I may need a ‘new’ one.  Life is intruding a lot right now and that triggers depression even if it is good.

Family trigger warning: Reading further might be a little too troubling for family members.  I am simply trying to get some things clearer in my mind and I find writing them and posting them does this, so hang on from here down. 

My marriage has definitely improved, but for me, there is still a lot missing and no matter how I try to fight it, I am becoming more restless every single day. The one thing for sure is whatever is missing, this improvement hasn’t fixed it, at least for me. I feel very much like I am giving up what I want to make my family happy at this point. I know what I want to do but I am fairly sure there will be a lot of pushback. This struggle, of course, causes The Grey.  That and thoughts returning from a lost love.

Dried Salt:

Miss Salty returned to mind due to posting a Facebook memory only to find her reaction to it with her name attached.  I guess feelings about her have solidified to a point.  I miss her; I care about her still, but I still wouldn’t trust her.  I know that sounds stupid probably, but the pain of this is still not gone.  I was looking at some old poems about her on this blog and the feelings are still there when I read them.  Although. I did manage to get through John Legend’s – ‘All of Me’ without crying once or shutting it off to avoid crying. She still haunts me like a ghost.

I avoid any sort of news about her, I haven’t even looked at her social media pages since June of 2019. I intentionally try to not think of her at times but she seems to come back in my thoughts more than I would like. WTF?  I should be a lot wiser from this whole situation but I miss that feeling I had and wonder if I can get it back. It is not happening with my marriage, improved though it is.

I guess I cling to this because, for a few months in 2018, I didn’t feel like something was missing.  This bothers me.  What was it that made me feel like I wasn’t missing something, because this relationship with Miss Salty, in the final analysis, was a shitshow?  How did this rollercoaster of an affair make me feel whole for once? For the first time, there was light in The Grey and I want to know what was it about this relationship that did that?  Can I get it back some other way?  All these questions are just made to order triggers for The Grey. I guess I have something to talk about with my therapist.

Walking the Grey:

True to form, Perseverance kicks in and no matter how I feel, I keep walking. I remain The Grey Wayfarer. Ravens of reason and wisdom overhead while following the wolves of what I need and want.  I search for the missing thing that will make me whole once again. Finding this wholeness is a large driving force and motivation in my life right now.  I walk the Grey because this is so worth it to me, I will walk in sadness for the rest of my life to find it.  Succeed or fail, it is worth that much to me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!