Happy Saturn’s Day
I know people are probably expecting a Crossing Bifrost post today but I have a couple pressing matters that I need to attend to and I am currently reading some books on Norse mythology that I want to get a little further in before I write my next post on it.
I also have been fighting The Grey pretty much all week. Part of the reason I am throwing myself into realigning my virtues with my goals and principles is that it really helps with this. I feel there is a key or keys in this process to dealing with The Grey; to a point where I can not only function with it, but actually feel some things without shutting down.
I have been asking a lot of motivation questions because what The Grey threatens and destroys the most often is my motivation. The odd thing is that my motivation to write is the one that is often the least affected. The trigger this week is the time of year and it will be so until probably the end of summer. Last year at this time, my ministry as a pastor and my marriage were both unraveling and there are a lot of painful memories associated with that right now. I can confidently assert that the old notion of time healing all wounds is bullshit. It can scar them over, but they still remain under the surface.
Writing has always helped with these times in that it gets me through them. It is often the process of taking the next step in writing the blog article or project that is me taking the next step. I write for me and I write to overcome my depression.
If a friend were to ask me what issues rise to the top, i would first say that it is not easy to talk about but then I would offer the following four things.
- I still deal with my change of faith. Or rather the discarding of Christianity and ministry for good. It is more than just a career change, it is a lifestyle and life course change, and it has been quite challenging emotionally and mentally.
- I deal with betrayal and loss. Both of specific friendships and of the fact there is a group of people I lead as a shepherd for almost ten years than I still don’t feel comfortable in dealing with. Based on the letter I was sent, I feel judged and discarded still.
- I deal with memories of loving someone who I don’t know if they loved me at all in return. It’s debatable if they were as they said “Just acting’, or if that statement was made to make the breakup easier for me and them. Epic fail on the last one, it hurt like nothing I have felt in a long time. I have a poem I am working on about this I think I NEED to write; but it is painful to write, so I don’t want to write it at the same time. I mean they seem to have moved on like nothing happened. The memories for me are making that quite difficult, despite my best efforts to not think about all this by contrast.
- Then of course this whole thing brings up emotions regarding my treatment of my wife during this time which I now feel very guilty and ashamed about.
It’s why back in August of last year I wrote something that basically said I wished someone would rip my heart out and kill it. These feelings are intense and difficult and I wish they would go away. It makes my depression kick in as a defense mechanism so I don’t feel things. Feeling nothing being more preferred than these emotional memories.
I also deal with the fact that on March 18th I will be 50 years old. Half a century and I am fairly certain its these birthdays with zeros in the second digit that seem to challenge me the most. Another decade down, how many do I have left? Where am I going now? What am I going to do? Who am I? How do I get where I want to be? When are these memories going to fade to the point where I don’t have to deal with them as much?
I wish I had more answers, but writing seems to help me keep going. I write for me and I write to overcome.
Walking the Grey,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.