Happy Tyr’s Day:
Yeah, I know. It’s another week without “Of Wolves and Ravens”. I need to get back to it for my own sake but right now the Grey is a ‘normal’ thing. I knew July, in particular, would be difficult because of all that happened during this month last year and the reason is the memories are not necessarily bad ones. It’s kind of like reading a story that has a lot of good things in it and happy times but you know a tragedy is going to hit at the end. Like following your favorite character in a story only to have them die suddenly. It is that kind of emotion when you look at the story arc in retrospect.
The difference, of course, is the story is mine and I am the character so it is all too real and personal.
Another thing is I keep running into people from my past life as a pastor. People I haven’t, in some cases, seen in over a year keep finding their way into my life. I play it cool but inside I would rather be far away. That journey is over and I want to leave the pain of it behind along with the people in the story as well. They turned out to be characters that are not dynamic at all, just who reveal their true nature when someone doesn’t measure up to their expectations.
Of course, this leads to my real problem which is coming to terms in all aspects of my life with a different set of values I now possess. What is important to me has changed and not in small ways but large ones. A loss of faith and a reevaluation of life will do that to you. The questions that trouble my mind are ones that would make the writers of Babylon 5 proud: Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here?
My oldest son recently observed I seem to be searching for something. Something I haven’t found yet. The young man has good insight. I don’t call myself the Grey Wayfarer because it is just a fun persona. It is in many ways the philosophy of my life and one identity that seems to fit me with the expression as the motto of my life: “Not all who wander are lost”. It seems that my values involve a lot of searching and becoming something, but the one thing they do not involve is stagnancy or being unchanging. For me change, and the chaos and joys that go with it, is becoming more of a desire than a fear.
The Grey is the thing that causes me to be stagnant at times, unchanging and that is the devil of it. The demon I understand. It is why it is so important to force myself to change when I am depressed. To keep doing something and keep walking through it is my therapy.
Perhaps that is why I write every single day. Writing is a lot of things but I would never describe it as stagnant. It is flowing and changing constantly. The creative process is like that. It is when I can’t write that I worry about me.
The point is also that the Nine Noble Virtues call one to improve and get better. You can’t be a follower of the Nine without changing. Every single one of them calls for change and so change is an essential part of my foundational philosophy. The problem may be that some people in my life are too attached to where we are relationally, and to be in a relationship with me requires you to walk with me from time to time, and where I am is never the same.
I am sure there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer post very soon. Hopefully, it won’t fall on Tyr’s Day again. But this week was some good insight into what makes me keep going because, as I will probably write next time, there are a lot of forces trying to compel me to quit and give up. The Grey is strong, but my desire for change is stronger so I keep walking and seeking what I am looking for. I will know when I find it what it was.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.