Perseverance

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Forks in the Road (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

There are some forks in the road you do not want to encounter because they are difficult decisions to make.  I find the ones involving Self to be this way more often than not.  It is probably because inherent in Perseverance is this simple choice to get up or stay down.  But when you look at the options many times with self, there are no bad ones, just choices where you are trying to determine what is best.

If I wrestle with forks in the road here, it is about trying to find what works and what is best.  There is one issue however that is very difficult but more on that in a little bit.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

I am reassessing every Routine for effectiveness, but mostly I have come to the painful conclusion that I am simply weary with the whole academics and going to school thing.  I am probably going to take at least until the end of the year to think about whether to do a master’s degree and what one at this time.  I think it is best to put that on hold until I have a good job and know where I am living. That said once the semester is over in a little more than a week, I can get a better handle on what is working for me and how to fine-tune it.  I feel like I am drifting here and that isn’t good.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

This is the easy fork in the road for me.  I keep getting up and I keep going forward as best I can.  There is no quit here.  I would probably have to do this less emotionally if I would stop knocking myself down.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

This is the real fork in the road that is giving me pause.  In particular, ‘loyalty to self vs. loyalty to all the others’ comes up fairly regularly. I feel at times that I am losing what I want and my purpose as I strive for all the rest.  I really need to be loyal to myself at times and that is not always an easy thing to tell people.  I still feel like I need to back off yet with some things, because I am just not ready for them.  Still healing I think.  Deeper healing but still healing.  I really need a new and better paying job because of this because I really want to get back to counseling for myself and my marriage.   I can’t deny since we set it aside for financial reasons, I at least feel a little more adrift.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Every decision: What is the loving thing to do?  What is the just thing to do? What is the wisest thing to do? It does help to have this system.  It leads to wiser choices.  There are many forks in the road to navigate in life and having a way to ask these questions at each one has definitely helped.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Needs work but the weightlifting I am having no trouble with.  The rest is still a work in progress.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Warrior Mind (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

My Self Virtues are the actual preparation for battle in the warrior mindset.  Discipline is needed so that what needs to be done is automatic and doesn’t need to have too much thought behind it. Perseverance is the simple determined act of getting up and to keep going which is so necessary during battle. Fidelity is necessary because not all battles can be fought alone, at the same time loyalty to self is important because some battles can only be fought alone.

I feel very challenged and conflicted right now.  I really need these three virtues to work for me right now to clear that up.  I feel some real battles are coming in the next few months and I want my mind focused on what needs to be done and the goals. My Foundational Virtues are the mindset of vision for victory.  My Business Virtues are preparation in peace for war.  It is the Self Virtues that are the real nuts and bolts of making all this happen during the fight.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

My diet is clean 90% of the time and on track about that much of the time as well. It is not a big problem and part of the reason I can run into people I know and one of the first things they talk about is how much weight I have lost. I owe that to dietary changes.  It just happened this week and the person remarked its all those trips to the gym, but I really had three months off there from the gym or walking in general and so the thing that has kept the weight off is the diet.  My rebellious act is still being debated in my mind.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Weightlifting.  Check.  Walking/Hiking.  It is finally warm enough so probably next week I will set aside three days for a walk. It will be good for me to get outside and breath fresh air.  Stretching/Yoga.  I am thinking of returning this to the morning routine. It just worked better there. I have actually saved up money for my tattoo so this may very well be my first bucket list item crossed off. I am getting paid for this internship so some money from that might find its way here too.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Mini-Vacation is scheduled for June 9-11th.  True to form it is a time for me and my wife to get away and mostly spend time relaxing and hopefully making love and enjoy the local sites of a local city. Far away enough for us to be away, close enough to not take a long drive to get there.  Genetics tests could happen as soon as I get a new job.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

The wisest path is not always easy to find. I find myself overthinking at times. The temptation is to act quickly and not with patience. I know once school is done and I can truly focus on getting a job as well as refining and solidifying my routines. Wisdom is hard in this regard as patience is a very hard virtue that is part of it.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Next week I am doubling down on all my routines.  Mostly I really haven’t had time to really work out the details.  Once school is finished, that will change.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Skald Tales and Poems – Poem – “Salt in My Wound”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Poem: “Salt in My Wounds” by Edward W, Raby, Sr. – Written April 13, 2019

 

Once you were the spice of my life,

You kept me from spoiling

You were the flavor I needed

You made life less plain

 

Then you left me

laying in a pool of my own blood.

Leaving a wound

a void from your knife

 

Now memories of you are salty

Burning as they are applied to the scar

Salt in my wound

Preserving the regret and the pain.

 

– Ed Raby – April 13, 2019 –

 

Commentary:

Without a doubt this was the easiest poem I have ever written.  At least as far as time and feeling are concerned. Took me literally just five minutes.  Even more striking is how little over the last week I have edited it.

Miss Salty, as I called her, helped me through a lot.  She is definitely wiser and smarter than her years would say.  But this whole thing in reflection was a doomed voyage like the Titanic. Right now memories of this whole thing are bitter-sweet. Salty like she was.  They hurt and yet I hope they bring about some cleansing like salt removing infection.

This poem is very much about love lost.   Regrets that are repeated over and over, and so the sting of memory is there every time. I originally thought I would add another verse but then I am trying to experiment in letting my experiences and feeling resonate with others, so another verse might make things too specific.  The reader can fill in their own lines of regrets and their own pain.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – INFJ and Wisdom

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

At 1.5% of the population, we INFJs are the rarest personality type of the 16 identified by Myers-Briggs. We know it too. We feel unique because it is clear what motivates us is to not be like everybody else.  It is no accident that my personality gravitates to something like the Nine Noble Virtues and living a life that is higher and deeper based on them.  Words like Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity as far as my self concept mean a lot more to me, than they might to others.  All of these virtues have one powerful thing behind them – they are the wise way to handle myself in the midst of this world.  Stay disciplined, keep getting up and stay faithful to the people who have shown themselves faithful to you is simply the wisest way to live for me.

At this point, I have to mention how much from last year to this my personality changed.  Not that I moved to INFJ from something else, but rather how much stronger it is. I mentioned before my Introverted score increased from 75% to 94%.  From an understanding of myself point of view the other three also all became stronger as well.  I got burned, because I trusted my logic a little too much about people instead of my intuition, so I follow my gut more now with a higher N score 64% to 76%.  I have a higher emphasis on love being mutual happiness, so I am much more focused on feelings being important.  F score goes from 58% to 63%  I used to point out how close my J score was to becoming P, but not anymore as it has gone from 51% to 78%.

This is the most significant change.  I might reflect this in the statement – “I don’t trust words or even actions anymore – I judge patterns and results.” I look at the end result and the patterns of behavior and trust my judgment of them more than just the surface words and actions anymore.  In short, I am much more cautious about relationships than ever and I am far more focused on stuff that really means something and my own happiness.

The suggested strategy for my living with this personality is to walk in confident individualism and realize that my role in any group is to be the diplomat.  I would say that is a fairly accurate way to live – a wise way to live.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Discipline is something I cling to as an INFJ. Having a plan of self-improvement is just a natural thing to me.  If I have to watch anything, it is when I do achieve something the satisfaction from that does not last very long.  I am asking what is next very quickly.  I need to learn to celebrate achievements a little more.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

INFJ people just keep going, Mostly because we don’t really ‘need’ people but we do. I know that seems contradictory, but my personality is such that I can live without people and so when they leave me or abandon me or hurt me, I keep going.  That said, I can’t go forever without someone ‘getting me’,  It makes me slow down and it also leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerability that I can’t see but does build up until I will, without much thought, gravitate toward a person who does ‘get me’ regardless of consequences.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

This vulnerability became really apparent to me last year at this very time of year, although I would not at that time have identified it as such.  There was a young woman who ‘got me’ at a time of my life where I felt no one really did, not even those closest to me in both family and friends seemed to get me, just her. My personality was really excited about this person because they got me. I started to love and gravitate toward this person because of it.  I didn’t really care about much else. I didn’t’ really identify at the time the danger because I didn’t feel it was a bad thing because my need for this had gotten so high.

In the area fidelity, I struggle because I can go long periods without people in my life, but at the same time something inside is crying out to be understood and it slowly gets louder until it is screaming. The problem then is fidelity and even other virtues and their importance diminish in order to meet this need and it is such a strong need I don’t care about too much else.

I still have a hole in my life since Miss Salty’s departure but it isn’t about the romantic side of that relationship at all.  I have that with my wife right now.  It’s the simple thing of she ‘got me’ completely. Saw through the bullshit of the hard calm exterior and reached out to me as a friend and that meant a lot to me..  That was worth its weight in gold to someone with my personality. It is so rare though and I wonder if I will ever have that again.  At the same time I wonder if I even want it to happen again, because my fidelity with other people becomes a struggle when such a relationship appears in my life.  It tends to be all-encompassing because it is so rare to me.

To combat this, I make sure my wife and I tell each other we love each other now.  We make a point of it to tell each other in not just words but actions.  The problem remains in that I am not sure right now even with her, if she truly ‘gets me’ all the time. She is however more mindful of it and checks on my much more than she did which I appreciate so much.  Also, I am much more mindful of my need here and try to deal with it better.  What I need probably is more friends that can each fill a part of that hole. But that Introvert score is so large now thanks to this last year, and as such I am always being a skeptic when someone says their my friend or want to be my friend.  I really only have two friends I trust anymore completely and one of them is my wife.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I am all about making wise choices now, but in wisdom I also see there are not ‘black and white’ answers.  Only different levels of grey that I must navigate to find the best course. With Discipline I stay focused on my goals and try to be better every day.  With Perseverance I keep going because there is little wisdom in dwelling on defeats and failures.  Keeping a small circle and staying true to those who have been true to me is my fidelity motto, but there is my ‘weakness’ of the growing need for someone who ‘gets me’ completely and I have to guard myself but at the same time meet that need some way.  I guess the path to wisdom will become apparent as I walk it.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

This needs simply to be implemented.  I think it is simply time to run with it and see what happens.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Crossed Off: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 7 – Painful Revelations

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Rogue Wizard’s Journal January 14th, 2019 (cont.)

I found my clothes on a table just outside the room and a couple of towels.  I was still a little wet from whatever process they had washed me off with, so I dried off. and then started getting dressed. It was then that I felt eyes watching me.  The Lioness of course and two other individuals – Lunette and Raven.

“Now all you ladies have me at a disadvantage.  You have now all seen me in the buff, but other than Lunette in middle school, I have not seen any of you in your natural state. Any takers?  No?  Well, excuse me.”

The three of them seemed a little self-conscious, so they looked away as best they could but I continued to catch glances.  I smiled.  Underwear, t-shirt with workout saying, socks, jeans, hiking boots, necklace with Valknut symbol, wedding band, sweatshirt hoodie with local university on front.

“Mr. Raby, do you use enchantments at all?”

“No, not yet anyway.  Never had he need, always focused my studies on how magic in and of itself could help me.  Enchantments are nice to have but they can be taken from you, if you lose what is enchanted.”

“You could do an enchanted tattoo”, Raven suggested.

“Yes, I could.  Combination of alchemy and enchantment and attached to my skin.  Might be worth considering.  Speaking of alchemy, nice bit of work there Lunette with the lipstick.”

Lunette looked down at her feet.

“Can I ask if the alchemy works on everyone, or it was just targeted to me?”

“Targeted. made the formula from a lock of you hair I took back in middle school.  I was surprised the formula hadn’t gone inert, but it was still active.”

“Shit knocked me out fast, figured it was targeted.  That long ago?  What was the occasion?”

“That day when we were freshmen in High School. When you grabbed my arm when I was being a bitch to you.  You basically told me to back down and I was pissed about it.  Wanted a weapon to target you.”

I nodded. I remember that day.  I said something to the effect that I was like crack cocaine to her, so she was vulnerable to me and needed to knock off the snotty bitch thing. Enough reminiscing, need information.

“Well, ladies what happened to the Red Tree Grove? Best theories please.”

Lunette spoke first.

“She must have decided to leave and give up immortality. Only thing that fits.  She didn’t pick a replacement, so her power simply diffused. The protective power was gone about ten years ago, so I went inside. The tree was still alive but barely.  Those three scars you helped heal.  Someone had opened them up again. Given that she was the only one living there at the time, she might have done it herself.”

“Well fuck.  Yeah, trying to break her addiction completely.  No tree, no drug. Where do you think she went?”

This time the Lioness spoke.

“We don’t think she kept her physical form.  We think she went completely spirit form.  It would allow her to possess any female she wanted, and keep a long life possible for her.  She could move from female to female and occupy them. Use them as hosts to live for a long time. Then move on.  Only problem is that every time she would switch she would lose a part of herself.”

“Any leads on that?”

“One, you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, the woman you had an affair with? She might have been one of them.  Highly likely.”

This stunned me for a minute, then.  Of course it would explain how could she have connected with me so well and so quickly and how I also had changed in my thoughts about her.  I mean up until February she was just another woman in the congregation, then that all changed.

“How much control would she have had? Over her host I mean?”

Raven spoke this time.

“Only when it was truly needed, she would be too weak otherwise.  Indirect influence most likely. The woman had her own choices, but perhaps there was a nudge from Elpis.”

I cringed at the name.

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, it’s OK. I have been running from this too long. I suppose it was inevitable that both Elpis and Miss Salty would be mentioned. Time to quite avoiding and face what they were to me.  Both loves of mine and lost.”

“I guess I would fall in that category too.”, Lunette injected. Sad tone in her voice too.

“Yes, you would and my wife now that she has been killed by the Council. I don’t have any loves that are not lost in some way now. I’m alone.”

Those last two words hung there for a minute.  Like a diagnoses of cancer said aloud. Lunette seemed a little pained by it.

Raven spoke first, “You might find love again.”

“Right now, I don’t want it.  It hurts too much; too risky.  Need to mourn my wife for a bit yet.  Promised myself, if she died I would mourn her for at least six months. It’s only been a couple. I honored our Christian vows when we got back together, would have continued if she had lived. I don’t really have that view anymore so my next love, if there is one, would have different rules.”

I turned to face all of them.

“OK, the only thing left for me is family. They will be in danger as long as I am alive.  What’s the plan?  What do you want me to do?”

Writer’s Notes: 

I know, I broke my initial rule about mentioning Elpis and Miss Salty. But it is time I faced down my real life actions and dealt with the emotions of this whole thing. 

For a long time when it comes to fiction I have been struggling to find some inspiration and I think it is because I have been avoiding this issue of late.  I need a new motivation, a new muse to write for. Instead I have been dealing with The Grey that results from emotional constipation. I think laying things out there ends the bullshit at least and now things can get flowing again.  Like an enema for my emotions. Gross but accurate.  

I write fiction from emotion.  It is definitely a more heart then through the mind thing.  Non-fiction is the other way around, so it is easier.  This last week has been me struggling to get past this and I think I have some relief at this point.  Still some things to work out, but I feel for the first time I can write at least a little more freely when it comes to fiction.  Hopefully I am right.  If I am, you all should be seeing more fiction from me very soon. 

Practically for this series, it eliminates the past almost completely for my alter ego. His decision to fake his death would mean; at least for a time, he would be walking alone and too busy for a relationship.  Not saying there won’t be something in the future, but for now love is going to be kept at arm’s length.

In real life, my wife (alive and well) and I have made a strong commitment to make our relationship work.  There are some more obstacles because of my change of faith and my attitude about a lot of things in general has changed as well, but we work on them.  It has been hard at times, but for he most part we are a loving couple again. 

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Epic Struggle (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Looking at the Metaphor of Norse Mythology and the three children of Loki, we at last turn to Jorgamundr or the Midgard Serpent.  Thor will battle this monster at the end of the world Ragnarok.  It is said that he will kill the serpent, but in the process will die from its venom. An epic battle with the beast defeated, spending one’s very life to do so.

The analogy could be made here in regards to the fight of one’s life.  Everything prepares the self for the end. For me to live right up to the end and to live fully is the goal. The Virtues I call Self Virtues lead me to that end fully prepared for it.  Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity mold me into something that can face my end having spent all to live life fully.

So we see the epic struggle each person faces.  1) The forces that would cause low self-esteem, fear and lies need to be struck down with Honor, Courage and Truth.  2) The forces that would lead to co-dependence, laziness and greed struck down by Self-Reliance, Industriousness and Hospitality.  3) The forces that would cause us to lack self-control, quit or be disloyal defeated in the ultimate end through Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity.  The three children of Loki defeated through following the Nine Noble Virtues. This is my three-fold epic struggle.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Diet is still a work in progress but the counts help me keep a lid on bad nutrition.  My main concern is to keep the fat monster away while hopefully my training this spring will begin to see some more results as far as fat loss and muscle development. April 1st, 2020 is a long way away.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

I am glad to be back in the gym.  It was a good week too as I reassessed where I am.  I have lost a little strength, but not much and I am figuring muscle memory will kick in a month or two and I will be back to where I was very quickly. I want first walk of the year to be in sunshine and at least 50 degrees. Nothing fancy, just start at the door to my apartment walk out 2.5 k and then walk back.  Rails to Trails is like a block away so I can utilize that without even driving to it.  It’s important though that the sun is shining for that first walk for symbolic reasons, after that I don’t care.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Put my first money in the bank for both my tattoo fund and our mini vacation fund. I am really focused on getting a new job right now and hopefully the added resources for the genetics test and the country visits in the next ten years.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I try to address each fork in the road, each crossroad with wisdom.  Does this action lead to love, justice and wisdom?  Wisdom.  Tough call sometimes when you’re hurting, when what you want is relief from pain instead of making the best choice. This week has been like that.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Really looking at getting this in place this coming week. Moved Latin here. Makes more sense to do it on days off and/or when I can see I have more time. With only a month to go left in the semester, I am looking forward to the end of it so I can take a breath and focus that time on something else.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Crossed Off: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 9 – Avoiding vs. Facing (Plus Some Writing Notes)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day

I haven’t given a family warning for a while, but the rest of this post probably has one.  I am simply going to be very real for a bit with my feeling about what was going on last year and how it affects me now. If you want to know simply what my writing plans are then you can scroll down to that and start reading there. I will give it a headline.

I wouldn’t give you a nickel for how I felt this past weekend..  I knew memories of last year at this same time were going to be rough, but this is downright painful at times.  Like pins under your fingernails painful.  Then to protect myself from said pain, I go Grey. That feeling of nothing being preferable to the pain and sadness. I hate when people say – “Get over it” or “Move on”.  I think to myself when I hear this: “Yes, this is where I want to be.  To have a choice between sorrow and nothing,  Yeah, this is fun.”  People who say such things, don’t have a fucking clue, and they should probably just learn some shit about depression and then shut up and be thankful you don’t fight this particular battle.

I am conflicted at times as to what strategy to employ as far as dealing with memories. There are simply times; I note, there is no way not to be triggered. So avoiding the memory is not an option.  But then how to confront and face them then?  The real problem of course is not all my memories are bad ones.  There was some good things taking place through a certain relationship last year, it is just the relationship that was doing some of those good things was ‘toxic’ or ‘wrong’.  I don’t know how else to express it, but there were some good things happening for me but other people might say it wasn’t good how it was happening.

I wasn’t moping around in April of 2018, I was actually feeling quite confident and good.  My female friend at the time was helping me deal with things that were a bummer and I was loving her for it. She was keeping the Grey at bay for me or maybe my love for her was, I don’t know. I still miss that friendship, and it hurts that it is gone.  Probably always will.

Unfortunately, we both took things too far.  We let our friendship grow into something else. Something far more intimate emotionally than was probably safe for both of us.  But I think given the state of my marriage at the time; I probably didn’t care as much then as I would now.  Our counselor said my affair was actually pretty typical. Marriage sucked, you didn’t feel loved, you hurt.  Someone else expresses love for you in some way and you are drawn to them like a moth to flame. Nothing special, happens all the time.  Sounds common and base; something I dislike, but there it is.

This weekend was rough because I was; as I often do, sifting through my Facebook memories and there was her name.  Something I had tagged her in.  Fuck it but if it didn’t trigger an immediate emotional response.  A mix of sadness, loss, grief and who knows what else. It is the kind of emotions you get when something good has turned bad or died. The whole thing hurt again and I wanted to crawl up inside and die.  But I didn’t, I kept going. I have to.  It’s all I know. I turned on the Grey and went forward choosing to feel nothing and not all that. Weird thing this time I couldn’t keep it on all the time.  I kept alternating between nothing and sadness. It sucked. I actually cried once.

Despite this, I have concluded avoid things is not an option.  I will not do that.  Let Facebook and other memories come. I need to learn to deal with this.  Let it make me stronger. Let it make me handle The Grey better. I just know this is really the small shower before the storm that will be later this spring and then this summer. It is the warm up and if I can’t learn how to handle this now, the time between now and the end of August is going to seriously suck. Well, it’s going to suck regardless, but I need to learn how to face it so I keep going and that it sucks less.  That’s all for now.

Time to talk about writing.

Writing Notes:

I have a struggle with the non-Fiction book that I am trying to resolve.  Here is the thing, I could be one helluva critic of Religion in general and The Bible and Christianity in particular.  I could write books that would seriously challenge both and possibly make a shit ton of money doing it. It would make all the past learning and experiences as a minister not feel like such a waste of time, if I could use them to build a new future with writing books.  The flip side is I still have a lot of friends who are religious and Christians, including my wife. This would seriously put some shit out there between us.  At the same time I feel what they believe is a fraud and their lives would be better without it.  Shit.

My novel is a little easier. But at the same time genre is important. I have written every fiction genre at one time or another.  Even ones I didn’t really care for and by writing them I found out that I didn’t really care for them.  My best bet would probably be to create a fantasy setting and go with that.  The reason is you can do anything with that.  But my passion is modern fantasy.  What to choose?  I also should note I won’t be writing this novel for a children’s or young adult audience – definitely adult stuff.  So yep – adult situations, sex, and violence.

As far as the blog goes, I am going to try to get out two installments of Rogue Wizard.  One for Thursday and one for Friday.  It’s time for them.  The timeline shift is going to cause the character based on me to have a major life change so that nothing in his life will relate to what is going on in my real life. The purpose of this is to change the nature of the story into something that is pure fiction.  Or mostly pure as the kind of decisions my alter ego would make will still be based on what I would really do in that situation.

Walking The Grey,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Iron Thoughts

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

By the time this post drops it will be Friday at 8 am. I will be at work, but I will be thinking about iron. It has been about three months since my old gym closed leaving me gym homeless. It would have to say it has been hard, not just because I don’t have a place to train, but because the gym was a place to get my mind right. It was one of the many tools I used to fight The Grey and I am excited to bring it back into my life. I have missed the iron.

I joined a new gym Monday April 1st. It is a block from where I work, so I am planning on heading there after work and banging out some set and reps. This winter I have not lost much of what I gained last summer. I probably have put on a few pounds but my diet has been pretty tight for the most part, plus my work is fairly physical. I am hoping this new gym membership will allow me not only to return to where I was but take my progress to new levels. My only goal for each workout is to make it better than the last time.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

I decided to slow down on this diet thing, not because exercise is coming back into my life as far as walking and lifting. No, my thoughts are to read my book again on Paleo and start to follow their advice on how to implement it. I am sticking to what I am doing currently and will over time change my diet to be more Paleo centrist. It has worked well for me. I should be implemented fully by the end of the month if not sooner. It’s one of those one bite at a time things to eat the elephant. Is elephant meat Paleo friendly?

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

I was going to walk this last few days.  The weather is still a little cold, but in truth I think my new exercise program should kick off with a trip to the gym. It’s symbolic.  A restart should always have some sort of symbol to mark the occasion and I feel the moment I reach down for a deadlift for the first time in three months, I will be off and running. I have decided on a three-day split. Pull, Push and Legs.  Pull being Traps, Back, Biceps and Forearms.  Push being Chest, Delts, Triceps and Abs. Legs being Quads, Hamstrings and Calves. This keeps me in my three days a week minimum and hitting my whole body in that time frame. I am going to start off with 4 x 10-12 with a rising pyramid as far as resistance levels. Once muscle memory kicks in after a month, I should be doing what I was doing before my last gym closed.

Stretching will be a part of it before and after.  Next week the weather is supposed to be very Spring-like. so walking my first few 5 k training walks will commence then.

I have started a savings plan that will lead to my first tattoo. More on that under fidelity.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

My savings plan is basically to take a little more out of each of my checks and set it aside. Part of this will be for my first tattoo and part of it for my wife and I’s mini vacation.  In a couple of months the vacation will take place and then in three months I will see where my tattoo money is at.

I think one of the things on hold is the genetic test and part of that is I want to wait until I have a new job and extra income to save for it. I have a lot of time on this one but information is needed, so I can even begin planning.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I feel my plans are starting to go in motion and it is very much like work to get this wheel turning the right direction.  Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity are hard ways to make yourself a better person but they all involve humility in the face of opposition and at times failure.  But humility, in order for it to bring strength and wisdom, brings change not withdraw.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

The first part of the week I tested the morning Routine and the mid part of the week I tested adding the Daily Routine.  Today begins adding in the Weekly Stuff.  It has not been as difficult as I would have thought, but there is a lot of preparation and build up work in some areas.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Crossed Off: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Realigning Fidelity

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I have always been a loyal friend.  I have always been a loyal father and grandfather.  Understand if you mess with my kids (including my daughter-in-law and son-in-law by the way) or grand kids, prepare to reap something you will not enjoy. I am loyal to mother who yesterday turned 78.  The memory of my father and grandparents I honor every day. I was loyal to my church and even at the end my thoughts were always on how I could withdraw without hurting them any more than necessary.  I never turned my back on them, until they were misled into thinking I had, and turned their back on me.

No. Fidelity is a struggle in a very specific areas for me.  The rest of it is solid. The areas that need work are obviously my wife and I and my trust issues now with possible new friends. The first is much better.  My wife and I have been counseled and we have reached a place where we trust each other again and are supportive.  We still have some issues of course like any couple but we are working on them together.

What remains for me is that I tend to trust people and give them the same loyalty I expect from them. The problem is that I assume they feel the same and they don’t, and I don’t pick up on that.  It can make me naive at times as to what people, who call themselves my friends’, real intentions are or even their real nature.  It has blindsided me more than once.  In this last year it happened twice with pretty catastrophic results.

Well, at least until recently this was true.  Now, I skeptical of everyone who calls me ‘friend’ with very few exceptions. I have made a commitment to keep my circle very small for this very reason. It also why not much has changed in regards to he virtue or principle I follow because I forged both of these things in the fires of betrayal – my own and of those toward me.

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

No changes but perhaps some definitions are in order.

  1. My gods are the virtues I follow and my philosophy of deism, humanism and paganism.  Nothing more or less.
  2. My ‘folk’ are my immediate family and those friends who have earned through their own loyalty the title of friend.  Like the virtue says, my friends are family.  I hope that is understood.  There is only one difference.  If friend betrays me, I have no problem throwing them out of the family.
  3. Myself – yeah, in equal measure to those above I work on being loyal to myself and being truly myself. No more masks, no more lies to cover the real me. I will no longer be ashamed of my true self.

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Recent events have the caveat ‘ ‘who have been loyal to me.’  Betrayal is hard when you do it and I now see more than ever the value of fidelity from me toward others.  That said, I get truly pissed off about people who betray me as a result too. Once you do that, my loyalty to you goes right out the window. People screw up, it should be no cause to be disloyal to them. Something me and my wife have learned together which is probably what makes our relationship much tighter in some ways than it has ever been.

I just turned 50, so I am too fucking old now for friends that are disloyal or forming friendships that are not serious.  My pack is small but we fight together and die together if necessary.  This needs to be understood. So yes, you have to demonstrate loyalty now before you get that kind of loyalty from me. Thank you.  Otherwise cue Pantera’s ‘Walk for fake friends.’:

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Last year my wife and I were separated for our anniversary.  This year we need to make up for that somehow.  Don’t know the specifics, but a ‘weekend’ getaway type thing might be just what we need the most.

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

I struggled with this one for a while trying to find something that tied in with fidelity. I mean getting a genetics test is easy. finding the means to research it down to actually visiting each country my ancestors came from is going to require some prosperity.  From my mom’s side, that means France, The Netherlands, and Wales for sure.  I could however find some surprises with genetics test. The first step would then be to get a genetics test. I have set as a time limit on this one my 60th birthday as I needed a true long-term bucket list item and didn’t have one yet.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Time is pressing now on the nutrition element here.  I need to spend time before Monday getting a plan together. The main issue is of course cutting out from my diet the things I cannot eat. Coming up with new things I can eat to cook and so forth.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

I decided to take some of my tax return and get a gym membership near where I work. I will probably stop by after work every day and hit the stretching and weights. The weather is turning nice so walking is about to start next week too. It begins very soon.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Lots of family stuff which is good.  I suspect the goals will be different things that reflect my gratitude for fidelity toward family and friends.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I learned a lot of humility this last year.  I suppose that this has paved a lot of wisdom for me in the same time frame.  As I relive some of the memories from last year, wisdom and humility kind of beat the hell out of my foolish pride.  It is not an easy time right now and that is for damn sure.  I hope that through Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity, I can find a gentler way to pave wisdom with humility, but I doubt it. I suspect I might be harder on myself than life is.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 2

Tomorrow I will be doing a special The Rabyd Skald post to deal with my routines.  I suspect all of them will change but the main issue is to take each goal and bucket list item and find something to put in the routines that works toward them.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved:

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business December 2018.

Bucket List Items Crossed Off: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye – My Spiritual Rebuilding

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Thor’s Day

Discussion:

I am taking a break from the order to think a little bit about some things.  This last week of March has definitely been about making my Realignment of Virtues with their respective principles, goals and bucket list item.   I will be engaged in this until Saturn’s Day and then on March 31st the new stuff kicks off in full.  Not having the time to do some proper research for the Bible Problems post that is supposed to fall this week, I decided to talk about something more spiritual and personal instead.

The people in my life do not understand the change of my beliefs and some of them are the closest to me.  To them this change has been sudden and only now are some of them starting to get used to the idea but they still don’t understand it. Trying to rebuild one’s spirituality in this environment is not difficult, just often misunderstood because to others it was sudden but to me it has been long in coming.  This is a decision I agonized over for a long time. One that has placed me in a position of rebuilding my spirituality after taking a sledgehammer (metaphorically speaking) to what i had built during my time as a Christian.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

Faith:

I consider myself a spiritual person still.  There is part of humanity that one cannot put into a purely rational box no matter how much you try.   The thing I have thrown off is religion.  I have however not thrown off ‘faith’.  Like it or not everyone has faith is something. Something they cannot rationally prove but still live their life by.  Atheists deny this but if they were to go through their philosophy and principles they live by my guess is somewhere they would have to admit they go forward with without any proof – yet. They would contend they believe proof will be found eventually but it just hasn’t been found yet.  That’s faith no matter how much you shake and dance.

I am not going to deny I have faith in stuff I can’t prove.  I recognize my ignorance and ignorance is going to lead to some things you are going to take on faith because you have no choice or the alternative is to simply exist without progress.  I take that there is a part of human beings that is spiritual on faith, because I cannot see a scientific or rational answer for some things – yet.

Religion:

The one thing I have discarded is religion.  I recognize two forces that pass themselves off as good but are in reality evil as fuck. Government and Religion. With government I recognize there is a necessary evil that must be engaged because people are inherently tribal.  Religion I can’t find to many uses for anymore. It is by its nature, controlling and manipulative. It sells you something that you don’t even need to solve a problem you don’t actually have. It has all the morality of the huckster selling snake oil and has the same objective.

It disguises greed, lust and manipulation as industry, love and care.  It calls you to dwell in ignorance so you can preserve your faith. Never question things because if you did you might realize the ‘holy men’ are taking you for a ride. Cleaver, as perhaps if you lose your ignorance you might see that it is harming you far more than helping you. I refuse to engage a system of belief anymore that sees to tell me what THE TRUTH is; as I find, truth is not something that is always easy to find or black and white anymore. I have no use for religion in rebuilding my spirituality, as it is probably is in reality one of the most spiritually destructive forces there is.

Theology:

Whatever the divine might be, I now reserve the right to question its justice, mercy or decisions. I think the Norse attitude toward the gods is probably mine.  The Norse gods are not interested in worship.  They are interested in a life well lived.  Mans approach to them is not to fawn or fall on one’s knees, but to stand bravely.  They don’t want the devotion, but just respect for their power.  Theologically, it seems if the divine is our parent, like a good parent it would want us to grow up and stand on our own and teach our descendants to do the same.

Spirituality:

This last year has been both a cubicle and a flood of challenges. I am starting to put some of the things I did last year at this time in the category of ‘more than a year ago’.  By the time summer is over all of it will be there. This flood and fire I have been going through has cause the storm to rage at times and my scars to burn with pain; but in all of that, I feel like I am being reborn.  I am becoming something greater than I was, something stronger.  I no longer bow, I stand.  I no longer need the crutch that is religion and I am done with its snake oil spirituality.

Conclusion:

 

I used to be a tiger and lion person.  Strong animal images but both perform in the circus. But these days the wolves and ravens are more my speed. Not as strong but wild and free. You can put thme in cages but they will never be tame. I find that both light and darkness are not to be feared but used.  I feed both wolves (Need and Want) and both ravens (Reason and Wisdom). I no longer see myself as sinner or saint – just a man rebuilding and discovering his true self. In that I find my spiritual rebirth and growth.  I am Grey.  An old scared grey wolf if you will.  I have a pack but it is small, but then again I know what I bring to the table, so I am not afraid to fight or eat alone either.

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Continuing to Walk the Path,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!