Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day
I haven’t given a family warning for a while, but the rest of this post probably has one. I am simply going to be very real for a bit with my feeling about what was going on last year and how it affects me now. If you want to know simply what my writing plans are then you can scroll down to that and start reading there. I will give it a headline.
I wouldn’t give you a nickel for how I felt this past weekend.. I knew memories of last year at this same time were going to be rough, but this is downright painful at times. Like pins under your fingernails painful. Then to protect myself from said pain, I go Grey. That feeling of nothing being preferable to the pain and sadness. I hate when people say – “Get over it” or “Move on”. I think to myself when I hear this: “Yes, this is where I want to be. To have a choice between sorrow and nothing, Yeah, this is fun.” People who say such things, don’t have a fucking clue, and they should probably just learn some shit about depression and then shut up and be thankful you don’t fight this particular battle.
I am conflicted at times as to what strategy to employ as far as dealing with memories. There are simply times; I note, there is no way not to be triggered. So avoiding the memory is not an option. But then how to confront and face them then? The real problem of course is not all my memories are bad ones. There was some good things taking place through a certain relationship last year, it is just the relationship that was doing some of those good things was ‘toxic’ or ‘wrong’. I don’t know how else to express it, but there were some good things happening for me but other people might say it wasn’t good how it was happening.
I wasn’t moping around in April of 2018, I was actually feeling quite confident and good. My female friend at the time was helping me deal with things that were a bummer and I was loving her for it. She was keeping the Grey at bay for me or maybe my love for her was, I don’t know. I still miss that friendship, and it hurts that it is gone. Probably always will.
Unfortunately, we both took things too far. We let our friendship grow into something else. Something far more intimate emotionally than was probably safe for both of us. But I think given the state of my marriage at the time; I probably didn’t care as much then as I would now. Our counselor said my affair was actually pretty typical. Marriage sucked, you didn’t feel loved, you hurt. Someone else expresses love for you in some way and you are drawn to them like a moth to flame. Nothing special, happens all the time. Sounds common and base; something I dislike, but there it is.
This weekend was rough because I was; as I often do, sifting through my Facebook memories and there was her name. Something I had tagged her in. Fuck it but if it didn’t trigger an immediate emotional response. A mix of sadness, loss, grief and who knows what else. It is the kind of emotions you get when something good has turned bad or died. The whole thing hurt again and I wanted to crawl up inside and die. But I didn’t, I kept going. I have to. It’s all I know. I turned on the Grey and went forward choosing to feel nothing and not all that. Weird thing this time I couldn’t keep it on all the time. I kept alternating between nothing and sadness. It sucked. I actually cried once.
Despite this, I have concluded avoid things is not an option. I will not do that. Let Facebook and other memories come. I need to learn to deal with this. Let it make me stronger. Let it make me handle The Grey better. I just know this is really the small shower before the storm that will be later this spring and then this summer. It is the warm up and if I can’t learn how to handle this now, the time between now and the end of August is going to seriously suck. Well, it’s going to suck regardless, but I need to learn how to face it so I keep going and that it sucks less. That’s all for now.
Time to talk about writing.
I have a struggle with the non-Fiction book that I am trying to resolve. Here is the thing, I could be one helluva critic of Religion in general and The Bible and Christianity in particular. I could write books that would seriously challenge both and possibly make a shit ton of money doing it. It would make all the past learning and experiences as a minister not feel like such a waste of time, if I could use them to build a new future with writing books. The flip side is I still have a lot of friends who are religious and Christians, including my wife. This would seriously put some shit out there between us. At the same time I feel what they believe is a fraud and their lives would be better without it. Shit.
My novel is a little easier. But at the same time genre is important. I have written every fiction genre at one time or another. Even ones I didn’t really care for and by writing them I found out that I didn’t really care for them. My best bet would probably be to create a fantasy setting and go with that. The reason is you can do anything with that. But my passion is modern fantasy. What to choose? I also should note I won’t be writing this novel for a children’s or young adult audience – definitely adult stuff. So yep – adult situations, sex, and violence.
As far as the blog goes, I am going to try to get out two installments of Rogue Wizard. One for Thursday and one for Friday. It’s time for them. The timeline shift is going to cause the character based on me to have a major life change so that nothing in his life will relate to what is going on in my real life. The purpose of this is to change the nature of the story into something that is pure fiction. Or mostly pure as the kind of decisions my alter ego would make will still be based on what I would really do in that situation.
Walking The Grey,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.