Happy Sif’s Day.
The scattered Grey showers continue. That said, I am getting more of a handle on them. The triggers are pretty well known by now and I know how to deal with most of them. Mostly, I have been thinking, researching and meditating on what The Grey is?
I don’t know if I am right about this but The Grey seems to be more of a state between feeling nothing and being depressed. If that makes any sense. it is a protective state to keep me from feeling the sadness of depression but it still has the element of depression that is ‘loss of interest. The other quality it has is that I do not give one shit about anyone else. I am wondering if this is a counter safeguard my mind goes into when I have hit my psychological limit of not taking care of myself and being more concerned about others than myself. So The Grey puts me in a state where I am completely self-centered but not sad; but also restless and bored. I hope I am wrong because that sounds like a state of mind I wouldn’t wish on even my enemies. Dangerous and reckless.
I suppose the alternative is to be sad, tired and/or burning angry.
In other news:
- I am totally frustrated with the job hunt right now. No one is even calling me and that is probably the product having lost so many contacts. Every job I have gotten I have known someone and applying blind is difficult. If the fuckers at my church hadn’t fired me, I might have had a connection there with someone else to get another job or at least I could put it on my resume as my last job. It really puts a hole in my resume. It might be Ok in another year or two but I don’t have a year or two.
- Love is frustrating as well. I have identified that my wife and I have a trust-love but Miss Salty and I had a passion-love. The problem is I want both. My INFJ idealism kicks in and says why can’t you have a high level of trust and passion in a love relationship. I was thinking about my series Rogue Wizard and there is the same theme. Lunette (passion) / Amber (trust). It is all over the place with me and having only one or the other just makes it difficult for me inside my head.
- Writing seems to be the only solace I have these days. The Blog, my books in their raw form do provide some sense of stability in my head. The other thing is the weights, hiking and getting healthier. There is a part of me that just wants to dive into this and disappear. My own world in my head is far superior to the real one.
- I am still adjusting my thoughts and emotions to my lack of any faith in any god. I have no imaginary friend to talk to and that is liberating on the one hand but it means a level of self-reliance I have not experienced before and it is scary intoxicating.
I am not fond of the cards I am holding right now. I still am obligated to play the hell out of them though until the next shuffle. Hopefuly that is soon. I miss clear skies and having a strong hand.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.