Happy Saturn’s Day
Just by way of announcement, there will be no Rogue Wizard or The Grey Wayfarer this week. I just don’t have the time to do it right, so it will wait for next week and I will double dip with one of both to make it up to you. Right now I am dealing with school, work and a lot of uncertainty about the future. I do take a lot of comfort in the fact that in such moments my creativity is off the charts. I hope it is a trend that continues. Just a few quick notes:
- Academically I have been working toward the goal of being completely finished with all course work this semester, so I can just do my internship while looking for a better job. Unfortunately, I think it is very possible that I might come up short by one class because my bugaboo of GIS is probably going to get me. For me it is like learning a foreign language I can’t seem to grasp on top of a psychological trigger of past failure with the subject. I don’t know if this means I won’t be able to walk but in any case, it might be more than an internship I need to do next semester. I guess we will see because everything else I will probably do well in. If I do have to take courses next semester they will have to be all online so I can job search and keep our household costs down.
- It’s official that my gym will be closing and probably sooner than I wished with everything else going on. I may have to just take a week off from the gym, focus on academics and then look for a new one during finals week.
- My other uncertainty is my own confidence level waxes and wains a lot. Some moments I feel like I can take on the world and others I feel pretty helpless to the situation. I get angry still at certain things that happened and my heart still seeps soul-blood from time to time from past hurts and my own guilt. I probably need some professional counsel on this but I don’t have the money for it. One person who knows me via internet offered but I feel I need the personal touch on this one. If only I had the time or money right now.
I had someone ask me for prayer yesterday. I haven’t felt praying has done a lot of good for me or anyone else when I pray for them. I just am not sure how valuable my prayers are seeing that I have very little faith in a god who might be out there or not and quite frankly if he/she/they are what their response to me might be to me specifically seeing I have massive doubts. Christianity was my philosophical underpinning and foundation for a long time. I really am trying build a new one because that one has too many cracks in it for me now. I know too much to believe it anymore. The process of building a foundational philosophy is a long one however and this means a time of uncertainty. Out of that I hope will come something better – something more true.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.