Echos of the voices that wielded the blades – mocking me
A good friend becomes betrayer
A lover becomes a stranger
My own silent faith, echoing in my ears.
For days I bled, with no hope.
Until the one I betrayed saw my wounds
She did not raise her own blade in vengeance
Rather she touched my soul with her healing hand.
The bleeding stopped just in time.
Her own soul blood poured into me and restored my soul
She closed the wounds with stitches of compassion
I now bleed no more.
The scars remain forever
Reminders of who wasn’t true.
But my soul’s blood pumps strong once more
Reminding me of she who became my Eir
A Poem by Edward W. Raby, Sr. – January 14th, 2019
Author Notes:
O have written this poem over the last week or so. Finishing it on the 14th of January 2019.
In this poem I have been trying to capture the feelings of the month of August 2018. Feelings that are strong and were at the time devastating. I came up with the title of soul-blood as a way describe it. I then ran with the concept.
Emotionally this was difficult as one as on the one hand every time I write a poem I am reminded of the person who helped me understand and write them better. “Lover becomes a stranger” is her line and it still hurts to think on it. The scar throbs when I write a poem because of her, so to speak.
One the other hand, I have for the first time ever in this poem truly used my wife as an inspiration for the poem. She is my Eir. Eir being the Valkyrie known for her healing ability. My wife became my Eir that month. She has been so ever since and of all people she had the least reason to take on that role. The Valkyrie I waited for at the time was her in the end.
Hope you enjoy this poem and I always appreciate comments on my poems as I still am very new to this.
Thanks for reading,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Happy Sun’s Day. It is also the 11th Night of Yuletide. This night is sacred to the Valkyries and Warriors. We remember those who choose the slain as the noble and honored dead destined for Valhalla, and those warriors who were chosen. Today we remember the virtue of Self-Reliance.
Announcements:
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Today’s service resembles a concert more than a service. Basically, the idea struck me that I should do the past year, one month at a time, in song. So there will be no text or sermon today. Just one song per month (two for one month) representing each month as I experienced it. This probably as much as a reflection on this past year, but rather than write about it, I will just give you a song on each month and a little commentary.
I suppose a warning is in order as I am going to be pretty open here about my thoughts. I also should note that I had to take a break twice while writing this post. There are a lot of strong emotional memories to 2018 for me. Some good; some bad. In any case, my hope is a little more closure on a year I hope to not repeat. Overall it changed me for the better, but it was a helluva ride.
Music for me is still a an expression of the real emotions and thoughts I am having I can’t express in words. I think for this reason this way of doing a year review is probably more accurate in many ways than just writing about it.
January: No Rest for the Wicked – Godsmack:
I choose this song for the theme for the entirety of 2018. I started with the struggle to be a ‘man of God’ who had lost his faith. The whole year was me not getting enough rest because of all my struggles. In the end, I dropped the masks and I am probably far more at rest because I am more genuinely who I really am now. The verses of this song really reflect some of my thoughts to this day, so it fits.
February: American Pie – Don McLean:
In February, my long time organist and friend died. This represented the last of three great musicians/vocalists in my church and with this death for all practical purposes it was ‘the day the music died’ both in my church and my soul. It was my grief over this, and the fact only one person understood it at the time, that left me vulnerable.
March: Losing my Religion – REM:
March was a transitional month for me as I started to fall in love with someone I shouldn’t have. Looking back on it, and as warning to others, grief over the loss of two good friends in less than a year, a weak marriage and looking for comfort, left me open to this. That and not caring about my religion anymore. I had lost my faith a couple of years before due to theological reasons, but now the emotional side of it came crashing down.
April: Don’t Stand So Close to Me – The Police:
Lot’s of secret love this month. Both directions and both forbidden. I have come to a greater understanding of this song than I ever wanted to this year. Now when I hear this song, I remember the lessons of this past year vividly. Mostly how easy it is to submit to temptation, especially when you are hurting and want something to ease the pain. There is really no excuse for this, but there are reasons people do this which I now know all too well. I have no excuses, but I did have those reasons.
May: Monsters – Shinedown:
The shit hit the fan in late May and my monsters got loose. I think I made the remark at the time that the Pagan was freed from his cage and was kicking the Christian’s ass. I suppose this song stretches into June as well.
The reason it does, is I trusted someone I considered to be a friend with something important. They took advantage of that trust and betrayed me to get one more win over me, probably to stroke his already overly inflated ego. Yeah, rage doesn’t begin to describe what I felt when I found that out. It became greater as more details emerged during the summer and I began to discover how planned and maliciously thought out this betrayal was. It still is something I struggle with and quite frankly I finally found someone I don’t believe I can ever forgive. At least not until the scale of justice gets balanced first. Til then my monsters stay hungry and patiently wait.
June: Familiar Taste of Poison – Halestorm:
I fell in love with Halestorm this summer. I also fell fully in love with a young woman. It’s a decision I now regret. I think the relationship was full of natural chemistry but part of that chemistry was the additional effect of generating a toxicity that was wonderfully deadly. I didn’t want to be saved and I didn’t want to be sober. In the end, I think that toxicity killed it. I probably should be glad for that, but there is still a sadness and pain to it all for me. This song definitely captures that feeling for me still.
July: 400 Lux – Lorde:
I don’t like describing people as addictions. It makes them seem like they’re not people but the relationship I had was addicting. Relationships are things. We were always killing time together in July, so the lyrics fit too. It’s no accident I chose the video for this song that has scenes from The Perks of Being a Wall Flower. It’s a reminder, that life needs to be lived and not just observed. It’s also a book I probably will not read again for the foreseeable future. Maybe someday I will pick it up again with new eyes, because I really liked it. There are too many memories associated with it right now. That and the Song All of Me by John Legend. This song by Lorde I can still listen to and remember without it being too painful, but not that one.
August: Stuck with You – Huey Lewis and the News:
August was a roller coaster month. It was pivotal turning point. I went from being very special to the young woman in question to becoming someone they used to know in the space of less than a hour. I found a new job, but this happened the same day, so the joy of that disappeared. I found myself alone and bleeding from my soul pretty bad. In that state, I also woke up and began to think that my wife and I could save our marriage. From my perspective, it was a long shot and I fully expected my wife to tell me to go to hell.
But she didn’t. She accepted my apology and apologized to me in return. We talked, I mean really talked, for the first time in years. It started a healing process that is still in process, but we are better than we have ever been in a long while. This was the start of that.
Long story short, we found our way back together. In all of this, the only one who really never stopped loving me is her. The only one who exercised ‘Christian’ love, mercy and forgiveness was her. It overwhelmed me and I fell in love with her again. We picked this song as our own while on a weekend away. I am happy to be stuck with her and she is happy to be stuck with me.
September: Love Walks In – Van Halen:
In August I was standing in a convenience store when this song was played. I started singing it out loud as the cashier was doing so too. He stopped and asked me if it had meaning to me and I said it did now. I continue to play this song on my ‘Wife Playlist’, it makes me think of this moment and her every time. Throughout September it was my second favorite song next to Stuck With You.
October: I have two for this month. Sorry I couldn’t choose just one.
Both of these songs are on my current walking play list and have been so for a long time. In October as school began in earnest, I found myself listening to them every day. I still do when I listen to music.
Prayer – Disturbed:
It is the way I pray – ‘living isn’t hard enough without ‘god’ making it harder. I love the lyrics of this song and the feelings behind it. It reflects a lot of my continued struggles with faith.
Voices – Disturbed:
I love the video of this song as it reflects the song so well. I like how the guy is bullied, made fun of and has that girl he likes moment where she dissed him. He then fantasizes about how to get even with them all – the voices speak in his head. Instead of acting on them though, he just leaves work and goes to a concert and lets it all go instead. I listen to this one a lot when I am having dark thoughts. It helps them simmer down.
November – Hammer to Fall – Queen:
I include this one for a lot of reasons: 1) The biopic Bohemian Rhapsody was released this month and my daughter and I had a date and went to see it. Best movie I have seen in a long time. 2) I think in some ways it became a month of returning to ‘normal’ where my wife and I, my family and the friends I have left are back to some sense of stability. This song kind of is symbolic of that as my daughter and I got back to talking music, books and movies – instead of the chaos of my life. 3) The message of this song. The hammer is going to fall, so live life fully. 4) Plus it wouldn’t a music list without Queen.
December: Dreams – Van Halen:
Reflective of the end of the year. I graduated college (with a little work to do) and my wife, myself and family have been celebrating the holidays together. I am starting to dream again about what my life will be. Dreams are what love is made of according to the song and honestly my life has started to reflect that again.
Parting Thought:
Wishing you the most prosperous journey as you travel through 2019.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Just by way of announcement, there will be no Rogue Wizard or The Grey Wayfarer this week. I just don’t have the time to do it right, so it will wait for next week and I will double dip with one of both to make it up to you. Right now I am dealing with school, work and a lot of uncertainty about the future. I do take a lot of comfort in the fact that in such moments my creativity is off the charts. I hope it is a trend that continues. Just a few quick notes:
Academically I have been working toward the goal of being completely finished with all course work this semester, so I can just do my internship while looking for a better job. Unfortunately, I think it is very possible that I might come up short by one class because my bugaboo of GIS is probably going to get me. For me it is like learning a foreign language I can’t seem to grasp on top of a psychological trigger of past failure with the subject. I don’t know if this means I won’t be able to walk but in any case, it might be more than an internship I need to do next semester. I guess we will see because everything else I will probably do well in. If I do have to take courses next semester they will have to be all online so I can job search and keep our household costs down.
It’s official that my gym will be closing and probably sooner than I wished with everything else going on. I may have to just take a week off from the gym, focus on academics and then look for a new one during finals week.
My other uncertainty is my own confidence level waxes and wains a lot. Some moments I feel like I can take on the world and others I feel pretty helpless to the situation. I get angry still at certain things that happened and my heart still seeps soul-blood from time to time from past hurts and my own guilt. I probably need some professional counsel on this but I don’t have the money for it. One person who knows me via internet offered but I feel I need the personal touch on this one. If only I had the time or money right now.
I had someone ask me for prayer yesterday. I haven’t felt praying has done a lot of good for me or anyone else when I pray for them. I just am not sure how valuable my prayers are seeing that I have very little faith in a god who might be out there or not and quite frankly if he/she/they are what their response to me might be to me specifically seeing I have massive doubts. Christianity was my philosophical underpinning and foundation for a long time. I really am trying build a new one because that one has too many cracks in it for me now. I know too much to believe it anymore. The process of building a foundational philosophy is a long one however and this means a time of uncertainty. Out of that I hope will come something better – something more true.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Opening Song: Shinedown – Monsters:
I suppose there is a progression to the music today. The start of it is an understanding that the monsters that live in all of us are very real. I love the chorus of this song:
‘Cause my monsters are real, and they’re trained how to kill
And there’s no comin’ back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they’ll never say die
And there’s no goin’ back, if I get trapped I’ll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real
The emotions that are the monsters, as our text says, doubt, fear sorrow, confusion and anger. Monsters that sleep but can be awakened at any moment with disastrous consequences. Other people may fool people and hurt everyone with their lies and falsehoods, but the real danger is the monsters lurking within us all.
Poem: “The Fire of Fury” by Ed Raby, Sr.
“The Fire of Fury”
A flame burns within me
It is one that I cannot see
It is fueled by my fury.
My motivation,
My anger,
My salvation,
My destruction
My enlightenment
Fire, Light, Anger, Illumination
The Fire of Fury will light my way
Or it will consume me
Ed Raby, Sr. – November 24, 2018
I had the title of his poem for quite some time and a feeling of what I wanted to express. I used it for the subtitle of my Rogue Wizard series at its current state but it kept being the title for a poem too. As I was preparing the Pagan Pulpit for this week, the words began to form. Poets understand what I mean. I think it speaks for itself.
Meditation:
Song of Preparation: Disturbed – Indestructible:
It is no secret I like Disturbed. I plan on sitting back after school is over and listening to every one of their albums and songs. I just haven’t had the time to give listening to music the proper time it deserves and this is one band I want to some attention to in-depth. The progression of today’s songs continues with learning to take the negativity and toxicity of certain emotions and transforming them into that which makes us indestructible.
Text:
“Release all that no longer serves you: “I cast away all doubts, fears, sorrows, confusions, anger to the wind. I release any toxicity that weakens my spirit.” – The White Witch Parlour
Sermon:
Yeah, I am using a quote from a white witch site. That said when I was a Pentecostal, I swear I heard this same quote from the more Charismatic Movement oriented believers. It’s amazing how mysticism can change the form it has, but the words and concepts are simply the same.
There is something to be said for the idea of releasing that which no longer serves us when it comes to emotions. Emotions are raw material. Parts of them are useful and other parts are chaff that needs to be given to the wind. The real challenge of dealing with these emotions is learning how to harvest them. Learning what needs to be released as toxic and unproductive while keeping the parts of them that lead to constructive and healthy action.
The most pronounced example of this I can think of is something that happened this week to me. I wrote on Tuesday a post: The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions. The process of working through the three issues presented in that post was refining moment for me. I was working through the emotions and found that I changed in my feelings toward all these situations. The toxic elements of the emotions are less and the good parts that motivate and bring positive change are now more present. I know what to do about all of them and I am more at peace about that.
The quote today is a personal one that perhaps we all need to say from time to time. Doubt can lead to inquiry into truth. Fear can lead to courage. Sorrow to joy. Confusion to enlightenment. Anger to Motivation. Once you have let go of the toxic part of these emotions, the positive constructive elements are what makes you more of who you are and who you need to be.
Closing Song: Halestorm – Amen:
Ultimately its your shit to deal with. Not anyone else’s. And that ultimately is a good thing. Can I get an Amen?
Parting Thought:
Have a great week.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I just don’t have time this week to do a proper Of Wolves and Ravens. School is starting to have the potential to kick my ass and I am having to bear down a bit. It’s OK though, because it gives me a chance to do an update on my constant battle with depression aka The Grey. I could just write and say things are cool, but that would be a lie. I would assess myself as functional but struggling.
I never realized how much betrayal would be a depression trigger. The pain of loss of friendship I think does it. We all objectify people from time to time. It’s the main philosophical problem of our age brought to life. We no longer see people as people like ourselves but rather as problems to be moved aside or dealt with. I work hard every day to see people as people. Even more so since I failed at that with my wife in particular. But my greater motivation is now I very much know what it feels like to be treated as an object as well. Once you have been treated that way, you never forget it and you either work hard not to make others feel that way in return or….you fade into The Grey.
As a warning here at this point. What follows is a discussion of the three things I would be talking to my counselor about if I could afford one. Some of these are sensitive in the sense they can invoke strong feelings. Particularly, if you are family in some sense or another either through blood, long association as my friend or even through my church ties some way, this warning is for you to stop reading at this point, unless you feel you can take the sensitive emotions of the issues presented. I am going to try to be as transparent as possible without being hurtful, but I don’t know how people will react all the time, so the warning is for you.
On a practical note, the reason I am doing this is these issues are making it difficult to concentrate on work or school because they are the closure issues I have been mentioning. It should be noted that on all of these, other people have different views of the events and have called me cowardly and a lair for my viewpoint. I can only present things from my perspective and based on my own conversations with others. The problem still remains that others are telling my story and I want to tell it myself to set a more complete account. I don’t care if you believe me. This is me getting things off my heart and mind for my sake.
Old Flame:
I want to say that even with all the strength and love I have gained from restoring my relationship with my wife, I still have residual pain over loving another and the breakup that followed. I don’t think that should be surprising or shocking as you can’t emotionally invest in someone and not have that happen. What I find hard is not walking away from this relationship as any romantic love I had for her is gone, but mostly how it came apart and the reason why it came about. This is one I think I am just going to have to learn to live with and pretty much learn to do it on my own. I have had a hard time hating people for hurting me like this, but I know I can’t trust them and that makes me sad. Mostly I get mad at both of us for taking this relationship too far. Oddly enough, I still miss the friendship and I learned a valuable lesson on boundaries being important.
I think though this is one of those wounds that will get better with time. I also think it will never heal completely. Mostly I have found healing here in turning my attention to my relationship with my wife and building that.
‘Friendship’ Lost:
The second issue is I had a long time friend with my last church. We did a lot of things together and sat next to each other for well over nine years. We were in a small group together for the same length of time. We knew each other very well. Or I thought I did. The one thing I felt I could do with this person was trust them with something important and in this case my resignation.
My plan was to have my resignation read the one Sunday and then come in the next when I wasn’t feeling so emotional distraught and explain things. That never got to happen. This person set me up.
a) They convinced me to remove all references to the reasons I was resigning – I had been involved in an inappropriate relationship. The reasons for removal given to me were not wanting to start gossip in the church and not dragging the girl into all this. I felt the reasons he gave were solid, so I removed the references to the affair, figuring I could go in the church the next week and deal with that issue.
b) I now know the very day that I gave my ‘friend’ my revised resignation, with all references to the affair removed, he called the woman I had been involved with up and asked her permission in using her name for him to tell the story to the church. He did that after reading my resignation. This made it very much look like I was hiding something, and he was being the noble guy telling everyone the truth.
c) On the Monday that followed the story of what happened came to me though my mother and several others who called me. There was even a plan in place already of how the vote would take place in a few weeks to decide things. None of this was ever shared with me during the months that followed in any official capacity. If it hadn’t been for a few members of my flock who disagreed with how things were being handled and kept me informed, I would never have known anything.
d) I texted this person and asked very simply what was going on. That was June 5th, 2018. I still have the text I sent. It has never been responded to. This person has made no effort to contact me since. Ever.
The sad thing is that I would not have handled things this way had the roles been reversed. I would have given him two things he obviously didn’t give me.
Love – I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and certainly would have allowed him to tell his own side of things and not take it upon myself to do that. The story that followed that I heard had definitely been blown up far bigger than it was and had obvious falsehoods. I would have made sure only established facts were told and crushed any rumors that couldn’t be verified.
Time – I would have given him time to think over things. In retrospect what I should have done is taken a week off to think things over and then resigned the following week myself in person. That’s the time factor I am speaking of. I would have given him these two things because that’s what friends do.
I am not sure what bothers me the most, but one thing I wrestle with is whether this truly is a friendship lost or did I really have a friend there to begin with? I am beginning to think I was nothing more to this guy than an object, that when no longer usable to him and his agenda, I was discarded. That pisses me off. The problem is no matter how many times I pay over the scenario, I keep running into the later conclusion. I know forgiveness is a powerful tool in recovery from things like this, but this one I haven’t forgiven yet. At least fully.
I want to make it clear, I am not looking for vengeance and I would never hurt him physically. That is just not me. What is me is being patient and waiting for the wheel of time to keep turning. If someday I get to balance the scales of justice thanks to fate, providence or karma, I will take it without hesitation. The difference will be I will stab him in the chest while looking him in the eye. Metaphorically speaking, not literally – I hope the man lives a long but miserable life.
Now before everyone lectures me about Christian forgiveness, I will remind people I am not longer religious or a Christian. One thing I do feel is that justice should be served. I may be a former adulterer, but I at least tried to confess it to my flock and would have if not for this man’s interference. I know he is a two-faced, backstabbing liar and that is enough for me. I doubt he will ever admit it, so he continues to lie to cover things up. Maybe he lies to himself more than anyone else.
On thing I do think is such a thing should come to an end as he has no honor or sense of fidelity. I just hope I am around to see it; so I can smile as the fall takes place. There is an old proverb – “Meditate on the bank of the river long enough, and you will see the body of your enemy floating by.” Hopefully it is true. If you hear the sound of clapping when it happens, it will be me applauding as the body floats by.
Perhaps you are also saying I am going back on my treating people was people with this one. I would say I am simply following Christianity here seeing he is a Christian. I am treating him like he treated me. That’s apparently how he wants to be treated, because that how he treated me. As a pagan with a pagan sense of justice, I just want to see the scale balanced.
‘Few’ Goodbyes:
Oddly enough this is not the toughest thing. It’s the lack of the ability to say goodbye to my flock that hurts the most sometimes. Despite my struggles with faith and the affair, I still loved and cared for them like a shepherd. Because of how this was handled by my ‘friend’, I knew there would be a lynch mob waiting for me after that if I went back. I have been left with people contacting me and that has been few in number. Each time it has happened though, I have had a measure of healing come into my life.
I don’t really blame them. I know they were misinformed and tricked by someone they trust. It’s why I was fired and denied severance as well. I let a lot of that go and because they were my sheep I loved very much; I forgive them. The treacherous ram in the middle of them? Well, he just showed his true colors. I never should have turned my back to him. Live and learn.
Maybe in a year or so I can go back and say goodbye to those who are still there. By then perhaps people will have different thoughts on the whole thing. I don’t know. My daughter has always joked with me that she was going to throw an over the hill party when I turned 50. I guess the invite list could have a few select people from the church on it if she does. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing some of them again. They are good people and I miss many of them.
Conclusion:
I don’t know if this has done anything but help me get through the fog a little and see clearly my path. You don’t get very far glancing over shoulder or looking back. My whole thing is to identify what is weighing me down and find a way to deal with it. Either to cast it off, change it so it isn’t so heavy or learn how to cope with it. I think writing this out and having it out there has been good for my soul. I need that right now and this has definitely helped as I have written it. It’s good to know your enemy and even better when part of that enemy is yourself.
Once again, my purpose here is not to stir up feelings. If I have, I do apologize. But I have been struggling with this for a little while now. I have talked with my wife about it and that has helped but I needed to clear my head. One thing that has always helped has blogging about stuff.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
As Thanksgiving approaches for those of us who are students, the end of the semester surge is upon us where we have too many papers, too many pages of reading left, too many exams to study for and too many projects. It’s time for the end of the semester surge where we put every waking moment into getting things done. My 49-year-old super senior ass is no exception.
This one is a little different. It’s my last one of undergrad work for this my third degree. Probably my last ever undergrad semester and to be honest, it makes me a little sad. I have enjoyed every moment of going back to school even the hard semesters. I have discovered there is a better person here than was there three and a half years ago. Someone who can face the tests of education in his older age and come out smiling. But most of all it has been my privileged to get to know a younger generation class after class and started me thinking very highly of them.
Most older people decry the younger generation. The Millennials certainly seem to be a favorite punching bag of those retired and working for a living as an example of entitlement and privilege. Lazy and naive about real life. Unable to get out of their glass bubble and face the real world. I have not found this to be so. Instead I have found much my like my own generation when we were young; a group of people with diverse points view, dreams and hopes for the future. They work hard in a lot of ways and understand things that I have difficulty grasping. Mostly I have found group of people who care deeply about others and the world around them. They may be different but they are no better or worse than any other generation before them. The have the same fears and joys. they just express them differently in a different world. I have come to love and respect them,
I am also happy to be done. I love learning but there is a time to move on and the time is now. I don’t know completely what the future holds but I am happy for the experience of going to school again and learning. When I walk across the platform December 15th, I know I will be the happiest I have been in a long time. I need this achievement because it means I can still do things I want to do. I can still set goals and achieve them. No matter what others say, I have this confidence in myself.
Honor:
“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”
Principle – Be positive about my future
I was meditating the other day and a thought came to me about my closure issues. Sometimes you don’t choose when a door gets shut, but that doesn’t mean you have to walk through it again. When it comes to the past I guess this is something to take to heart. I can’t let the past’s open doors be a hindrance to finding new doors to open. Closure will come in its own good time. Honor does not depend on closure, it depends on being positive about my future.
Courage:
“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”
Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.
The end of school is fast approaching so the act of bravery that I am contemplating is dusting off my resume and sending it out at month’s end. I haven’t looked for a new career in a long time. Note I said career and not job. I am not sure what occupation I want to be yet. In that respects I am still a typical college student. I want to find something that is a career I can enjoy and that leads to better and better things for me and my wife.
Truth:
“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”
Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.
If there is anything that bothers me from time to time it’s when people tell me what they were told that I did and it is far from the truth. This still bothers me, but the rumor mill is what it is. My question I constantly ask myself is if it is worth it to respond. My answer is most often ‘No.’ Mostly becasue any person who is just rumor mongering about me isn’t worth the time.
Morning Routine:
Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
Review Goals
Review Bucket List
Full Body Stretch
Meditate on One of the Virtues
Breakfast
Supplements and Medicines
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day
Very solid and the meditation time is more formal. I have it take my phone and it’s stopwatch for it. Three minutes is usually enough. Once school is done, there might be some changes to it as far as additions but perhaps I would be better served with an evening routine. I have just never had a lot of success with those.
Bucket List:
Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
Get My Tattoos.
Actually Get Drunk.
Smoke a Joint.
Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
The more I look at things on this Bucket List, I am thinking my tattoos might be the first thing or at least get the first couple. Getting drunk and smoking a joint I might keep for a special occasion of some sort. Writing my Novel will probably start as soon as school is over and I am thinking spend an hour on it minimum as part of the daily routine will replace my study time. Many of the other ones are going to require prosperity. My wife wants to go on a cruise, I would like it to be a European river cruise that stops in Budapest.
Weightlifting:
The gym question remains. Much is unknown so I need a gym that will go month to month, but I also have little reason once school is over to drive into the town when my current gym is. It might mean switching to a gym where I currently work and then waiting and seeing what happens to the job situation. For that purpose I have fund a smaller gym in the city I work and that might do very well for me.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I have spent the greater part of October planning and organizing the plan for my life post-pastor and post-Christianity. Now it is time to act. This last week has been a little rough for me, as I have spent way too much time thinking on the past and trying to shake it. The real thing I think I am facing is the fact that with a lot of parts of the past, I lack closure. Things ‘ended’ with several things in my life with what I would consider bad endings. If they had been written out as part of one of my stories, I would have definitely considered a rewrite to at least provide some sense of ending for the reader. The way things actually went down, there is no sense of that. At least from my side there isn’t.
It’s why things don’t sit well with me on several past issues and this is something that is affecting me and my wife, so I will probably talk about it at our next counseling session. I can’t go into all the details, but I think I need a way to find some closure on some things and I just don’t know how yet. That’s part of my next task personally.
As it is, I need to fight the anger, sadness and The Grey that comes with this struggle, so the time to Journal and Act on all the planning I have done this last month is now. I need to stay busy and thus keep walking this journey I call my life.
Honor:
“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”
Principle – Be positive about my future
The real question for me is honor. In some of these past cases, I feel people got the better of me by taking advantage of my vulnerability. In some cases, it is myself that needs to apologize for my actions. In some cases, it is simply that the way I parted with someone just wasn’t right. There are many things left unsaid and undone.
It’s hard to be positive about my future when the past reminds me of my failures. It needs to be dealt with properly and in some cases, it might not be possible. I need to calm myself through meditation at these times and refocus on the future. It’s just something I need to get better at doing.
Courage:
“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”
Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.
Three things are required for courage to take place. 1) To know what the right thing is. 2) To know what to do about it and 3) To know when to do it. It’s this three-fold thing that keeps me engaged in evaluation of every action that requires courage.
If there is a closure regret that I can relay specifically, it’s that I truly wish I could go back in time and handle my church resignation myself. What I should have done is taken a Sunday off to think about it and then resigned in person the next Sunday after that. Perhaps then things would have been different, but who knows. For future reference some notes to self: 1) If there is something hard to do, do it yourself and 2) Don’t trust others to do things for you that directly affect you – they will either fuck it up or fuck you over, so do it yourself.
Truth:
“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”
Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.
Being honest with myself is more the struggle these days. It is easy to blame others and I am not saying others are not to blame at times, but you can only control what you do, so knowing the truth is helpful in that regard. If others do indeed fuck you over, then fine, but make sure you learn what you could have done better first before seeking justice.
I pursue any knowledge I think will benefit me in the future. These days this pursuit is done with a lot of practicality in mind.
Morning Routine:
Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
Review Goals
Review Bucket List
Full Body Stretch
Meditate on One of the Virtues
Breakfast
Supplements and Medicines
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day
This has been going really well so far, but I had to make one change in the order which was to put my meditation after my full body stretch. This is more of a practical thing as I end my stretching on the floor and so it’s a simple matter to go lotus position at that point and just meditate for a couple of minutes on the Virtue for the day. Other than that I think the whole thing is a good order and working well for me.
Bucket List:
Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
Get My Tattoos.
Actually Get Drunk.
Smoke a Joint.
Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
I think the one thing on this list that is the most possible is getting my first tattoo once I have the money. I mean I could do the Smoke a Joint thing but I am trying to keep clean for job search purposes. Once school is over I think the novel and Learning Latin might be next. The weightlifting goals will come when they come.
Weightlifting:
Weightlifting’s great challenge right now is picking which days to do it. My schedule at work is different days every week. So the thing is that I need to make four trips to the gym a week. This means sometimes its weekend days as well. This is simply necessary because trying to lift after a long day of work and school and then late gym session can be too much. I found out Sunday morning is pretty empty at the gym.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Opening Song: Disturbed – Voices:
I have been listening to this one a lot this week. It kind of goes along with the theme this week, so I will keep the commentary about it until the Sermon.
Poem:
“My Soul Has Eyes”
The Mirror to the Soul
So they are called.
I can’t see my own
unless I look in the mirror.
I wonder what part of my soul people see?
The part of my soul that is tired and depressed
The part of my soul that has regrets
The part of my soul that bleeds with wounds new and old
The part of my soul that is black and dark
or the part that shines in hope and love.
I wish I knew what people see in my eyes
What part of my soul is laid bare.
– Ed Raby, Sr. – October 25, 2018
I must confess my writing of poetry is bitter sweet. It enjoy it on the one hand because it allows me to express feelings in words that normal writing doesn’t do. I need that from time to time. On the other hand the memories of the person associated with me learning to write poems better and understand them better comes up every time I do it, and that just makes me sad. I guess it’s something I just live with, because I can’t seem to stop writing them from time to time. Sometimes its the only thing that works.
Meditation:
I post a lot of memes and sayings on Facebook. Just so everyone knows, the Meditation for the week usually comes from one of them I posted that past week. It’s the one that meant the most to me.
Song of Preparation:Van Halen – Love Walks In:
The story associated with this song for me is that I was standing in a convenience store a little after my wife and I started reconciling. This song came on and the guy behind the counter was singing it. I joined in; which is not something I normally do. The guy behind the counter stopped to listen to me and asked if the song meant something to me. I told him until that moment, no. But now it did. Not only did it reflect at the time the new feelings of love I had for my wife but there was a very human moment there with that guy. Humanity didn’t seem all that bad to me at that time.
Text: Havamal 47
Young was I once, I walked alone,
and bewildered seemed in the way;
then I found me another and rich I thought me,
for man is the joy of man.
Sermon:
It is really hard to be objective about the nature of humanity. Most of us think humans as a rule are not the greatest thing to ever happen to us. Some people I imagine love people, but there are a good chunk of us that have problems with humanity. Some of us, like in the video of Disturbed’s song ‘Voices’, have our fantasies about getting back at the bullies, getting revenge on the girl who dumped us or tying up a difficult boss. It truly is freaky shit that we think of sometimes isn’t it when it comes to how we would like to respond toward some people’s actions toward us. The voices are pretty convincing that even we are not all that great.
If we were honest though, most of the people in our lives are a lot like us. Just trying to make their way in the world and do the best they can. Very few people in our lives actually deliberately try to make our lives miserable. There are a few, I will acknowledge that, but for most part, people seem decent enough.
I think this is more evident if you have ever been lost alone away from people for a while or wonder if you can find your way back to them. I have had this experience at least twice. It is an intense relief when you actually find another person. I get what Odin is saying in Havamal 47. Like it or not we need our fellow humans and very few of us are misanthropes.
In fact, I would argue that many times at our lowest point it has been someone else who helped us out of it. Some person who saw us in our suffering and actually stopped to help, or as we wandered we ran into someone who inspired us. I would say our positive encounters with humans actually probably outweigh our negative ones.
At the very least we become like the guy in the Disturbed video of ‘Voices’. We drop our anger and desire for vengeance and simply walk off to the mosh pit and try to find a more human ‘loving’ way to get rid of our anger. Perhaps that is the greatest testimony to humanities goodness after all – that we choose to find another way that is constructive. Very few of us actually act on the voices.
Closing Song: Slash Street Boys – “I’ll Kill You That Way”:
A little Halloween Humor to send you off today. Enjoy the Week and Happy Halloween!!!
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Planning part is done. Virtues, Routines, Goals, Plans, etc. are all finished as far as initial thoughts. Now is the time for to get the big picture and make a final plan which is how I am going to maintain this and monitor it. Of course this is what this blog and blogging in general is all about for me. I have three journal posts each week and my notebook, which is how monitoring this is going to take place. There are also adjustments that need to take place as things are crossed off my lists as accomplished and life changes from time to time. Mostly though I will be using the three A Skald’s Life posts each week to keep track of things and stay motivated. Today is the big picture of how that will work and at the end something personal because it doesn’t really fit anything else.
A Skald’s Life – Foundational – In each weeks Foundational Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Honor, Courage and Truth. I think it is also a good place to discuss the Morning Routine, Bucket List and my Weightlifting Plan. Like all my journal posts is will start with a basic journal entry of what is going on.
A Skald’s Life – Business – In each weeks Business Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Self-Reliance, Industriousness and Hospitality. I think it is a good place to discuss the Daily Routine, Goals and Budget Plan. It also with start with a basic journal entry.
A Skald’s Life – Self – In each weeks Self Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity. I think it is a good place to Discuss the Weekly Routine and my Nutritional Plan. Having one less thing I will probably be looking back at the week as a whole in the basic journal entry which usually takes longer.
The last tool is my notebook which basically has check lists for the Routines and copies of the Virtues, Principles, Goals, Bucket Lists and Plans. I keep these in front of me every day in the Morning Routine. These Journal Entries are about marking progress.
Depression Triggers:
I know is might be strange to switch to this topic but The Rabyd Skald Posts are about what doesn’t fit into the other posts that are more standardized. I would also say the reason I am doing all the Virtues, Goals, etc. is that it is my way of constantly combating my depression and keeping the things that trigger it at bay. So perhaps is does fit as the overall goal of keeping myself walking through The Grey and still accomplishing what I need to accomplish – It is truly about being The Grey Wayfarer in that sense.
My depression is not as severe as many others. I can function in the middle of it. It just makes me get moody and difficult to deal with at times. It basically makes me feel either slightly sad or nothing. That is I have this feeling that everything is either a waste of time and it makes me sad or I feel nothing at all. It’s the nothing that bothers me more than the sadness.
I have spent the last couple months really trying to identify things that trigger it. I am pretty sure I have discovered some of them. I am not sure how to combat some of these as there is no way to not discuss some of them or avoid some of them. In fact I am not sure if the way to deal with these triggers is to avoid them at all or actually discuss them. It’s at times like these I miss The Rabyd Microphone, because I wouldn’t be hesitating about talking about things. These days I have others to think about, so I play things close to the vest a little more and discuss them with my wife and our marriage counselor more.
My Depression Triggers:
Anger – After I calm down it turns to The Grey. The real problem is after this summer I have much more to get angry about, so it comes up more often.
Talking about certain people – I lost a lot of friends but to be honest when you make a serious mistake and friends abandon you, then you at least find out who your real friends were. The one’s that just left or took off, yeah, fuck ’em. Less baggage now. That’s not the issue. It’s the people who didn’t just abandon you, they stabbed you as they left. They took advantage of your vulnerability or openness to them and they left you when you needed them most or even worse betrayed you. Yeah, those people make me angry or sad and then The Grey follows.
When I don’t feel a love connection. I know it sounds stupid or maybe sappy but love connections fight my depression. They have to be maintained so my wife and I cuddle and talk a lot whenever possible. I make a point of it; to keep it going so when The Grey comes it helps me get over it quicker. It could be said though that if I haven’t maintained my love connections, The Grey comes more often when I am alone. I am alone a lot as an introvert, People drain my energy over time and I need a recharge by getting alone. But there is a great deal of difference in being alone and feeling lonely.
The past is a relentless bastard even though it cannot be changed. It still takes a toll on you if you let it. I have found the only real way to combat it is look to the future to be better. To keep walking. Hopefully from time to time you stand in the sunlight.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Grey Wayfarer 