The Higher Virtues

“Discipline, Atheism, and Asatru” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Discipline

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Discussion:

Right now discipline is difficult because of two reasons.  Firstly my thoughts right now are a jumbled mess.  Secondly, the holidays are so different than regular life and I am struggling to stay above all that.  I hate the chaos at times because it is a people chaos, not regular life chaos.  I can handle a lot of things but not a jumbled situation where I have to say ‘hi’ to a lot of people which I haven’t seen in a year. This weekend was a prime example of a weekend that is just not me.

I spent Saturday driving somewhere to spend the day shopping with my wife.  Lots of travel in a car and people being everywhere is not my idea of a great time.  The time with my wife was good, but I felt pressured all day and I certainly did not have time to do what I like to do. Then yesterday afternoon was two family Christmases back to back.  Not a fan. It was my wife’s family so I also get half of the family that is cool because they are outcasts like me and the other half that still seems to hold something against me.

From a discipline standpoint, this all combines to make December a difficult month to keep mental focus for me and thus difficult to be disciplined.  The negative effect is a lot of things are slipping and I am going to have to double down as soon as all this shit is over.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

Discipline is a needed thing.  It is what is the machine that drives success and I need it so much to do what I want to do.  The issue is my own thoughts being jumbled because of depression, being put in situations that are uncomfortable.  These all just drain me and my discipline suffers as a result.

Wants (Freki):

What I want is a focused life that is getting the results I need.  As an atheist, I am not waiting for some divine white knight to come and help me out.  I need and want to be the warrior that gets it done for myself. Discipline is the key.  That starts with saying “I can do better.”

Reason (Huginn):

I think I am at another crossroads in my life.  They happen quite a bit, but 2020 seems more pivotal if I am going to get anywhere near my goals. There is no achievement without discipline and I am looking forward to a time where discipline brings about results.  But it is also just a rational nod of the head if there is no action that is disciplined behind it.

Wisdom (Muninn):

I need to find a wise way out of all this jumbled mess.  There is a part of me that just wants to wisely withdraw from it all and start somewhere else.  But this is the struggle of burning bridges sometimes – do you have the discipline to keep them burned and lying in ashes.  No regrets.

Conclusion:

The only master I want is me. The mastery of my own life is key here and I am starting to feel worn out with all the chaos of thought and life.  Some order needs to be brought to it. In the meantime, I endure the holidays and wait for the storm to subside.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Epilogue I” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 23

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Rogue Wizard’s Journal – November 6th, 2019

Currently, we are in the basement of an old burned-out farmhouse.  The place is actually quite nice and hidden by magic.  An old safehouse according to Lunette. it is pretty much a well-hidden magical apartment with three bedrooms, a couple baths, and a living and dining room area next to the kitchen.  We are quite comfortable and using only one bedroom at present.

When I came to, Amber was there to greet me and my tears about Elpis’ death.  Lunette was on a scouting run trying to get some information from her sources.  When she got back and heard my tale she started to weep herself.  I don’t think I ever saw Lunette and Elpis get along and Lunette had a lot of reasons to dislike and even hate her, but in the end, it was the last link Lunette had to her past much like me and she knew it.  Needless to say, I held a sobbing pixie while I cried with her for about ten minutes.

Amber for her part tried to comfort us both and the whole thing kind of delayed Lunette’s report.  When she finally calmed down she took a deep breath and reported the following:

  1. The fight we had with the Death Angels had been observed by other agents of the Council and it was truly believed that I was dead. No one survives as death bolt. My case file was closed.
  2. While the Council was interested still in finding Lunette, they had bigger fish to fry after my death and so she was to be left free for a time.
  3. Despite Amber’s defense of me, it was ruled she was acting according to the Lioness’ directive so she was under orders to protect me which she could not shirk.  The council simply ruled that House Venus would decide her fate, but no word had come what the Lioness would do.
  4. The war was going badly for both sides as the casualties were mounting.

‘You’re dead Edward.”

I did a quick divination connection check on the letter I had dropped and it was still hidden.  My magic hadn’t kicked in for death so I was dead to the magical world, but the real one still hadn’t been informed. I wasn’t dead according to magic.

“Yeah, but I will still just be a missing person’s case to my family.”

Lunette spoke very directly, ” You need to keep it that way, at least until the rebels win against the two sides.  You need to go into deep hiding for a while.”

“But the rebellion will need us.”

“No, don’t you see. Elpis gave you a gift of more than your life.  She gave you the possibility of a new one.”

Amber spoke, “Yes.  But in truth, she gave us all a chance at that.  A pixie and her female lover are not going to be much on the radar of either side if they are both outcasts. Especially if both sides think we are too far distraught from losing you.”

“But, Elpis told me to love you both and let you love me.  You are not just proposing I hide but that we separate.  I don’t know if I could take that right now.”

“You have to for a little while.  Until you find a place that is safe from discovery and then we can join you.  If the Council is defeated, then we will all be safe to come back together. We will know you are safe and how to find you with the tattoos.”

We argued well into the night, but I had to eventually agree with both of them. They insisted that I recover, but I am fine.  I just need to prepare for a long time away from my girls and to find a place where I will be safe.

I don’t know about this.

Writer’s Notes:

I am going to wrap this series up by the end fo the month latest. I will probably replace it after I finish Space Tramp as well.  My main issue is to wrap up some loose ends in this series and then finish Space Tramp as well and then move on to something else.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Holiday Nutrition” -A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

My bucket list for Self Virtues is far more personal than my other long term goals. Most of them involve self-indulgence or self-discovery on my own journey of life.  When I look at them I see goals that are on the near horizon for the most part with one long term goal.  One that involves origins.   The other two are about celebration and journey.

During the holidays, nutrition can be difficult but not all holiday meals are completely Paleo hostile.  Turkey, ham and the veggies and fruit are not bad, nor are the holiday nuts. Its all the sugar, potatoes, etc., although sweet potatoes are fine. Mostly though I try to just relax because I think stressing out about it is more unfruitful than the occasional indulgence of treats.  it is a time of celebration to I celebrate.  I just try to stay true to my diet most of the time.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

The rebellious act is in planning and Beltane is not that far away. If all goes well this will also fulfill the every year goal for 2020 of a bucket list item per year.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

This bucket list item is a goal for this year.  Either a new job or a tax return is going to provide the means. Hopefully a new job.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

A friend of mine is sending me a DNA test.  This will be the beginning of something I hope will open up things in this regard. After that, it is researching records and then planning the trip or trips needed.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

I don’t know about wisdom this week.  My heart is pulling me down the path of relaxing and resting but my work schedule and need for money say otherwise.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  5. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  6. Writing – 3000 Words

Still the hardest.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 5

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Writing Against Anxiety” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day! 

Journal Entry:

Most of my bucket list items under business involve writing.  I am a writer and I need to become a published one on more than my little blog here.  That requires becoming a writer in the sense of the quote above.  I have gotten to the point where when I write it is as natural as breathing.  What I haven’t yet achieved is the not writing makes me anxious except for this blog. In the last year or so I have developed that in my life but I need it to be true for both my writing away from the blog and my reading.

I keep needing to develop the discipline of it so that 3eventually it becomes second nature to write a few thousand words a day.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved when each person is their own master and no one else’s’ .”

Principle: To walk in the spirit of independence by being my own master and no one else’s

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List: To be a published author of at least five books by March 2029

Nine years from now I want to look up at a small shelf wherever I ma living and see five books with my name on them in published form. Not a simple task but proof that any identity I develop revolves around a central core of being a writer.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published by March 2022.

I still have two years before this one is due but it simply means writing the novel which I have done one already (It’s an awful little thing) I just need to take the lessons learned and write a second and get it published.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.  (Goal Achieved

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

I don’t need much in the way of a place to live.  I just want it to be my own, be secluded and quiet and have all the things I need to be healthy and happy.  part of that would probably be a place to write or more importantly more places to write. A writer’s house with many options for a quiet writing place.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I am trying to be fair to myself. This last year has been a dreaming year and it continues but once March 2020 comes around the dreams need to start taking form for progress to be made.

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, templates
  4. Weightlifting: Gym time – 1 hour after work.
  5. Writing: 1000 words/day.
  6. Reading – 1/7 of a book a day
  7. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, job search, other actions, etc.
  8. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  9. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

Next week it will be time to look closer at these routines.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Before and After” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 24

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day!

This post is a little later than usual because I am doing a little bit of an experiment with it.  In about a half-hour, my therapist and I will be meeting via Skype and we will be hopefully discussing some of my issues so what you are getting with this installment is The Grey and The Wayfarer ‘before and after’.  So the part marked ‘Before’ is what I was thinking before I went into session and the part marked “After” is my thoughts as I reflected on them after the session.  It has really been up and down these last two weeks so I need to talk about that.

Before:

The issues I want to discuss in this session are the main two of my marriage and identity.  In the issue of my marriage, there are some things I need to discuss with my wife and my therapist is going to help me, according to our last session, as to how to approach this discussion as I am a little apprehensive of talking about the specific issues.  It’s weird because this isn’t about sex or intimacy but more about common goals, vision and what are we going to do now. What are we now with our values shifting in different directions and the objective for our lives shifting.

The second issue of identity is one of trying to figure out what I am now that I am both an atheist and no longer a pastor.  Part of this is career issues that my job coach is helping me with and I will talk on that at a different time.  This is deeper than that.  More of a foundational question.  My hope is there will be some insight as the last two sessions have been more of me talking and her digesting things and coming to understand my situation.  Hopefully, she has some wisdom, because right now I could use some and I am starting to feel confined and trapped by the situation.  That’s before.  See what happens and then I will write an after and then post both.

After:

Things worked as I think she guided my own thoughts into doing what needs to be done.  I need to really think about a direct course of designing my life as far as what I am going to be while having options.  My primary identity is being a writer, but it is going to be my second one which can be multiple things that will define me as far as other people are concerned for a while.

Also, we talked about Christmas and the family mostly.  I just don’t want it to be drama, but I also have the task of telling people I don’t pray anymore over the meals.  It’s more about celebrating the season of Yuletide and being with the kids and grandkids as much as possible. I am just there to enjoy, not be the spiritual master of ceremonies.

Of course, we talked about my marriage and all I will say about that is that a conversation between us needs to take place soon.  No more there, as no one else needs to know yet what is going on. I just now have it very clear that before the new year my wife and I need to talk about some things. ‘Need’ being the keyword.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year’s End” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

It should be noted, that for me new years and years end from a calender sense do not mean as much to me. My philosophy has always been that the day you are thinking about doing something is the day to act on it.  If you wait till later, it will fade and you will find yourself not doing it.  My year cycle goes from April to March which coincides with my birthday.   That is mostly about the assessment of progress and making adjustments to goals and my bucket list.

That said as I am starting to look back at 2019. I can say at least it wasn’t shitty for me.  Not what I wanted completely but it didn’t suck like 2018 or cause grief like 2017.  The two things that bother me right now is I felt I would have a new job by now and that I would have crossed at least one thing off my bucket list by now.   The deadline is March 2020, but those were the things I wanted to get off my list before the end of 2019.

I suppose it could still happen but I am thinking it will be early 2020 that those things will happen and so 2019 has been the same ole for the entire year.  It is the part I have found most frustrating.  But this week is about looking at my bucket list and I am trying to remind myself that I still have three months left.  it really isn’t ‘year’s end’ for me yet.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

The real issue here is once I  get a new job, I want to start planning on how to gain the hiking equipment I need to start planning for day hikes, weekend hikes and eventually this hike. As a hobby, hiking is less expensive than most but getting good durable equipment will be my first issue.  After that its all about planning and getting some experience.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Money rears its ugly head on this item too.  I mean vacations are not that difficult to save for if you have some disposable income.  This has a ten-year time limit; well, nine years now.  I suppose this year’s end is a reminder that the clock is ticking.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

This is a new item and begins at year’s end.  I need to start planning this one out at least a month at a time.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I think for the purpose of self-love, I need to have a bucket list item crossed off very soon. I need 2020 to be a good year.  I really need that at this point.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

My routines are good and next week I will look at them specifically.  But mostly it is the execution that needs to be better.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Hospitality, Atheism, and Asatru” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Hospitality

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Discussion:

I have been struggling with something for a while now and that is the ability to connect with people. When I was pastor fo my last church I created a small group of people with the idea of sharing and prayer for one another. I called it Living Stones based on `1 Peter 2:4-5:

And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

The point was to share one’s struggles and triumphs in one’s spiritual walk with Christ to become drawn together in relationship with each other and Christ as living stones.  it was good in that it was for a while one of the best support groups I was ever a part of and my main motivation for creating it was my need for companionship where I could be open with people about some of my feelings.  It is the support group aspect I miss very much.

Hospitality is the same virtue if you take a broad definition of showing care and concern for others.  Asatru’s definition is about sharing when one can, especially with those far from home. Being kind. But for me, it is also about gathering with others in an environment that is safe so one can share more than prosperity, but one’s life with others.  I miss it.  But I also have developed through the painful experience of trusting others that people can betray you when you need them the most.

The atheist community is foreign to me.  I mean not completely so, but I am just starting in it nad it is good that through the Clergy Project I have a group and it did meet my goal.  But it isn’t the same as having people in your life every day or a couple times a week. Real flesh and blood that you have hospitality with.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

I still need something but I am not sure I will ever have it again.  Fellowship.  I lack fellowship and it is eating at me.  The problem is I don’t trust anyone anymore. How does one meet a need in your life when you have trouble trusting those that could provide it?

Wants (Freki):

On a want level, I want this in other relationships to be deeper, but once again trust or my high expectations seem to get in the way.  So better not to trust at all than being disappointed.  Hospitality demands I trust and boy do I struggle with it even though it would gain for me something I need and want.

Reason (Huginn):

So what is the reasonable thing to do?  It is the question I will have for my therapist on Woden’s Day. I am glad to have a group to talk to and her about this, but how far do I trust them even. Or is the better question, how far do I trust them?  I hate being lonely on the one hand, but I can’t trust people at times enough to open up so I am not lonely. Will I ever find someone to be fully transparent with again?

Wisdom (Muninn):

Wisdom is very cloudy on this issue for me.  Grey and overcast. Hopefully, something will become clear.

Conclusion:

Hospitality is the virtue I struggle with the most. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Ghost Dryad” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 22

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Rogue Wizard’s Journal – November 5th, 2019

Yesterday I spoke about what happened according to my girls after I was hit with the death spell by the necromancer Death Angels.  I need to now speak about what happened to me while unconscious because it needs to be written down before the nature of it slips away.   Before my emotions about it swallow up the memory of it.

I spoke before of how my consciousness slipped away and I fell down ‘dead’.  I found though that I was not feeling too much death, but rather peace and love. It was a strange feeling and then as I lay there with my eyes closed I heard a voice.

“Edward”

I knew that voice instantly and in my excitement, my eyes fluttered open.  I was shocked at what I saw because I wasn’t in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan anymore. I was in The Red Tree Grove.  Like it was when I was young.  Full of life, trees, ferns, birds, squirrels, and bright colors. There was the tree not too far away.  Large like an oak, but covered in red maple leaves and white birch like bark.  A truly unique tree. Majestic and making anyone standing next to it feel small and very young.

My eye focused however on the throne part of the tree was in front of.  There she was sitting – Elpis.  She was covered in the same birch park skin as the tree so it was hard at first to see her but the red hair like the color of the tree’s leaves set her off a little.

She stood up and walked toward me and as she did the bark skin was shed and revealed the naked woman beneath.  Her body was short but the kind of sensual curvy that made a lump in my throat every time. Large breasts with cute nipples and nice curvy backside.  Her round face dripped innocence but eyes that were deep and spoke of long years of life but youth at the same time. Her hair was brown, but it could have been any color she liked.  She changed the color and length often.  Her smile beamed right into my heart.

She was not so much the gorgeous dryad of legend but the young teen girl and ancient matron all rolled into one. The experience of meeting Elpis is something people do not forget. I know the first time I did, I fell hopelessly in love with her.

“Hello Edward, it is good to see you again. You got old. Still, look good though”

For the first time, I realized I was naked myself and for once felt old.  The last time I was in her presence I had been eighteen. Now my body had suffered the years of a few decades of mortality.  I hoped at that moment I wasn’t a disappointment to her. But there was an old deep emotion that began to take over in me.  I crossed the few feet that separated us and took her in my arms and hugged her.  Crushed her really and kissed her hard. When the kiss stopped I whispered in her ear.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Edward.”

She kissed me this time and then breaking away she took me by the hand and led me to the side of the tree where we used to make love.  She pulled me close to her and we made love again.  I will not speak of the details here.  That is my memory and one I will cherish for all my remaining life.  When we were done she spoke again as we lay in each other’s arms on the soft grass.

“Well Edward, you are still good at that. Better actually”

“I had a good woman teach me.  She was wonderful and gentle with me. I have missed her.”

Elpis teared up but then she took a breath and spoke.

“I don’t have much time. I can’t maintain this reality much longer and soon I will be gone. The powers have granted us this one moment to say goodbye for good.”

I began to cry and she took me in her arms again.

“I took the death ray for you, Edward.  I possessed you and took the death intended for you. You will live, but I am now finally dead and at peace.  My regret is that I will have to leave you behind again.  I don’t know if we will see each other again.  I don’t know so many things about what is after death.  I do know that you will go back to Lunette and Amber and you need to love them and let them love you.  The moment you live is all you really have so live life.”

“Elpis, there is so much I want to say.”

“Edward, sweet Edward.  There is no time.  ‘I love you’ is enough. close your eyes.”

I closed them reluctantly taking in one last look at Elpis’ face.

“I love you, Edward.”

“I love you, Elpis.”

I felt her lips against mine as we held each other in the grass and then the feelings of her body and lips next to mine faded away.  When I awoke, she and the grove were completely gone and I was laying on an open empty field that stretched as far as I could see. I began to weep. I wish things had turned out very differently. So much do I wish that.

It wasn’t but a few moments that I felt the tug of mortality pulling me back to the real world. When I woke up, I had Amber hovering over me and she started to cry as she held me.  I was crying too, but for a very different reason.

I am alive because of Elpis’ sacrifice.  I guess she lived up to her name after all by giving me hope in the midst of death.

I am a little emotionally distraught after writing this so I will break for now and try to write the rest tomorrow.

Writer’s Notes:

This was a hard part to write.  The emotions were pretty high on this one. Elpis is a character based on Miss Salty and the connection is very emotional.  I never built a  series like the Hedge Wizard of Redberg which contained: 1) Love for a woman, 2) My own life and 3) my favorite genre of fantasy fiction – urban fantasy.  It was a labor of love for someone and I never have done that before.  It ended abruptly when the whole affair between Miss Salty and I came to light.  I had to literally delete the blog and everything on it because people were reading it as reality. 

Which is why I make this final note. There is no love scene in either the Hedge Wizard of Redberg or Rogue Wizard that has ever been real.  They are fantasy, perhaps longing and desire at times, but never real life. 

Now, I truly do need to take a break.  But I wanted to send Elpis off as she deserved –  a heroine with a deep love for Edward at the end. As a character, she was a labor of love I will never forget. I did weep like this when Miss Salty left me and now I will probably at least cry again.  There are a few more scenes to Epilogue this series and bring closure, but Elpis had more act to play and I sent her out the way I wanted to, the way she deserved, and not by someone else’s hand.

Elpis means “Hope”.  

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Caveman Lifestyle” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

All of my goals that remain under Self Virtues are about diet and exercise. The diet being caveman Paleo and my exercise practical involving stretching, weightlifting, and hiking. In many cases, I am modeling on what life might have been for us as we evolved out of the early days into now.  Walking with loads on our back, moving obstacles with strength and stretching the joints and tendons to the limit. All while, eating a diet based on hunting and gathering.   It works for me.

It might also be said that other caveman activities are present – notably being entertained by stories and sex while maintaining nudism when I can. A lifestyle inspired by ancestors. Given my weight loss, increased strength and endurance plus of the health factors that have improved – I would say it has worked very well.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

To be full paleo diet means from January to March I need to be full time on it.  No cheats and no exceptions. This is going to require some serious look at paleo recipes and some serious introduction of self-control.  I am game. But after the holidays.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

I want to introduce a treadmill walk to my workout after lifting and i want to also have that have either a weighted vest or a backpack with weight.  I need to train because when the snow melts off the ground I have some hiking to do and I want to be ready. Lifting and stretching are good right now,  Just want to be more consistent.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Goal achieved.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

The wisdom as always is establishing lifestyle change, not a 12-week plan.  The latter leads to the up and downhill rollercoaster of being fit and fat.  Nope.  Needs to be out the gate full on and long term. That’s wisdom.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  5. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  6. Writing – 3000 Words

I need to work on this one the most.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 5

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Lonely Milestones” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 24

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day!

Introduction:

I know some of you are probably expecting Space Tramp and I do apologize for not having it this week.  I am really struggling with inspiration for writing and the issue of my muse is going to come up soon in my writing.  Its why I am trying to finish both Rogue Wizard and Space Tramp in the next couple of months because I am trying to get a completely new fantasy series going that creates a muse of sorts.  Or more concretely explores the topic of inspiration so I can find a source for it that is more consistent.

I have a few things to talk about in this edition of The Grey and The Wayfarer.   1) Some Milestones for the Blog, 2) My Loneliness and 3) A Personal Reflection on Therapy.

Blog Milestones:

Some good news upfront.  1) This blog actually past 500 posts a couple of weeks ago.  Now I can say I do have a bit of content.  2) Yesterday I hit the 100 WordPress follower mark.  I want to thank everyone for reading and following.

My Loneliness:

The Grey for the last few weeks has brought about loneliness I can’t describe other than to say that no matter what I do I can’t shake the feeling.  I don’t know if it is the realization of mortality or perhaps simply a broken heart still bleeding on the inside. I miss some people being in my life more consistently but there is the need in my heart for someone who truly gets me.

I either did have that for a few months in 2018 or thought I did and I miss it terribly. There is still a hole in my life from a relationship that is now gone and I am still dealing with it.  It’s the same observation that I have had that I long for a relationship that is intimate on a more instinctual emotional level.  But my heart is guarded by attack dogs, a wall of Trust No One and staying distant for fear of being hurt again.

I hate being INFJ where you can read other emotions on people like a book and even have my own emotions mimic theirs.  The only time I know what I am truly feeling is when I am alone and then when I try to express it verbally to others, it comes garbled or not at all because I don’t want to trouble others with my feelings. Only writing them seems to work.

The lonely wanderer is who I am and I both love and hate it. There is a wisdom to it.  There is loneliness I can’t describe to it as well.  I am glad I have a support group, a job coach and a therapist to talk me through things. But at the same time, they can’t fix my problems, I have to do that.

Therapy Reflections:

Of course, some of you are wondering at this point – ‘what about his wife?”  My wife is a wonderful person and I know she loves me and I love her.  It is just with all the changes to me and my outlook on life I am starting to feel trapped again by this marriage.  There is no common core goal for this marriage anymore and that is largely my fault because I am the one that has changed so much.  I like change – life is a journey of constant change and I embrace that and it is hard to live with someone who would rather have stability and security.  Nothin wrong with those things, they just are not me anymore.  They also are not real to me anymore.

This is why even though our relationship is much better as far as friendship and intimacy, it still leaves something to be desired from my perspective.  Once again because of my changed worldview.  My wife and I got married because we were Christians and called into the ministry and everyone told us we would be good ministry partners. We were also secretly personally guilt driven into marriage because we were having sex for months before we were married. In the mindset we were brought up in; once you fuck you better get married or you’re sinning against a holy god. There was no consideration of compatibility or common interest.  It is why some look at us and don’t get it. I at times feel that way too.

That is why in therapy the majority of focuses on what my new identity is now to deal with the loneliness question and a lot of questions on how to make this marriage work despite widely diverging values.  My wife seems content but I know I am restless.  Very restless. I don’t want to get to the point where I hate my life and marriage and all that goes with them again.  But if something doesn’t change soon, that is where I will be.  I know myself much better now and the danger is very real.

Thanks for reading all that if you did.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!