Happy Mani’s Day
Right now discipline is difficult because of two reasons. Firstly my thoughts right now are a jumbled mess. Secondly, the holidays are so different than regular life and I am struggling to stay above all that. I hate the chaos at times because it is a people chaos, not regular life chaos. I can handle a lot of things but not a jumbled situation where I have to say ‘hi’ to a lot of people which I haven’t seen in a year. This weekend was a prime example of a weekend that is just not me.
I spent Saturday driving somewhere to spend the day shopping with my wife. Lots of travel in a car and people being everywhere is not my idea of a great time. The time with my wife was good, but I felt pressured all day and I certainly did not have time to do what I like to do. Then yesterday afternoon was two family Christmases back to back. Not a fan. It was my wife’s family so I also get half of the family that is cool because they are outcasts like me and the other half that still seems to hold something against me.
From a discipline standpoint, this all combines to make December a difficult month to keep mental focus for me and thus difficult to be disciplined. The negative effect is a lot of things are slipping and I am going to have to double down as soon as all this shit is over.
To the Wolves and Ravens:
“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”
Discipline is a needed thing. It is what is the machine that drives success and I need it so much to do what I want to do. The issue is my own thoughts being jumbled because of depression, being put in situations that are uncomfortable. These all just drain me and my discipline suffers as a result.
What I want is a focused life that is getting the results I need. As an atheist, I am not waiting for some divine white knight to come and help me out. I need and want to be the warrior that gets it done for myself. Discipline is the key. That starts with saying “I can do better.”
I think I am at another crossroads in my life. They happen quite a bit, but 2020 seems more pivotal if I am going to get anywhere near my goals. There is no achievement without discipline and I am looking forward to a time where discipline brings about results. But it is also just a rational nod of the head if there is no action that is disciplined behind it.
I need to find a wise way out of all this jumbled mess. There is a part of me that just wants to wisely withdraw from it all and start somewhere else. But this is the struggle of burning bridges sometimes – do you have the discipline to keep them burned and lying in ashes. No regrets.
The only master I want is me. The mastery of my own life is key here and I am starting to feel worn out with all the chaos of thought and life. Some order needs to be brought to it. In the meantime, I endure the holidays and wait for the storm to subside.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.