Happy Mani’s Day
I have been struggling with something for a while now and that is the ability to connect with people. When I was pastor fo my last church I created a small group of people with the idea of sharing and prayer for one another. I called it Living Stones based on `1 Peter 2:4-5:
And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
The point was to share one’s struggles and triumphs in one’s spiritual walk with Christ to become drawn together in relationship with each other and Christ as living stones. it was good in that it was for a while one of the best support groups I was ever a part of and my main motivation for creating it was my need for companionship where I could be open with people about some of my feelings. It is the support group aspect I miss very much.
Hospitality is the same virtue if you take a broad definition of showing care and concern for others. Asatru’s definition is about sharing when one can, especially with those far from home. Being kind. But for me, it is also about gathering with others in an environment that is safe so one can share more than prosperity, but one’s life with others. I miss it. But I also have developed through the painful experience of trusting others that people can betray you when you need them the most.
The atheist community is foreign to me. I mean not completely so, but I am just starting in it nad it is good that through the Clergy Project I have a group and it did meet my goal. But it isn’t the same as having people in your life every day or a couple times a week. Real flesh and blood that you have hospitality with.
To the Wolves and Ravens:
“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”
I still need something but I am not sure I will ever have it again. Fellowship. I lack fellowship and it is eating at me. The problem is I don’t trust anyone anymore. How does one meet a need in your life when you have trouble trusting those that could provide it?
On a want level, I want this in other relationships to be deeper, but once again trust or my high expectations seem to get in the way. So better not to trust at all than being disappointed. Hospitality demands I trust and boy do I struggle with it even though it would gain for me something I need and want.
So what is the reasonable thing to do? It is the question I will have for my therapist on Woden’s Day. I am glad to have a group to talk to and her about this, but how far do I trust them even. Or is the better question, how far do I trust them? I hate being lonely on the one hand, but I can’t trust people at times enough to open up so I am not lonely. Will I ever find someone to be fully transparent with again?
Wisdom is very cloudy on this issue for me. Grey and overcast. Hopefully, something will become clear.
Hospitality is the virtue I struggle with the most. I just don’t know what to do about it.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.