Happy Sif’s Day!
I know some of you are probably expecting Space Tramp and I do apologize for not having it this week. I am really struggling with inspiration for writing and the issue of my muse is going to come up soon in my writing. Its why I am trying to finish both Rogue Wizard and Space Tramp in the next couple of months because I am trying to get a completely new fantasy series going that creates a muse of sorts. Or more concretely explores the topic of inspiration so I can find a source for it that is more consistent.
I have a few things to talk about in this edition of The Grey and The Wayfarer. 1) Some Milestones for the Blog, 2) My Loneliness and 3) A Personal Reflection on Therapy.
Some good news upfront. 1) This blog actually past 500 posts a couple of weeks ago. Now I can say I do have a bit of content. 2) Yesterday I hit the 100 WordPress follower mark. I want to thank everyone for reading and following.
The Grey for the last few weeks has brought about loneliness I can’t describe other than to say that no matter what I do I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t know if it is the realization of mortality or perhaps simply a broken heart still bleeding on the inside. I miss some people being in my life more consistently but there is the need in my heart for someone who truly gets me.
I either did have that for a few months in 2018 or thought I did and I miss it terribly. There is still a hole in my life from a relationship that is now gone and I am still dealing with it. It’s the same observation that I have had that I long for a relationship that is intimate on a more instinctual emotional level. But my heart is guarded by attack dogs, a wall of Trust No One and staying distant for fear of being hurt again.
I hate being INFJ where you can read other emotions on people like a book and even have my own emotions mimic theirs. The only time I know what I am truly feeling is when I am alone and then when I try to express it verbally to others, it comes garbled or not at all because I don’t want to trouble others with my feelings. Only writing them seems to work.
The lonely wanderer is who I am and I both love and hate it. There is a wisdom to it. There is loneliness I can’t describe to it as well. I am glad I have a support group, a job coach and a therapist to talk me through things. But at the same time, they can’t fix my problems, I have to do that.
Of course, some of you are wondering at this point – ‘what about his wife?” My wife is a wonderful person and I know she loves me and I love her. It is just with all the changes to me and my outlook on life I am starting to feel trapped again by this marriage. There is no common core goal for this marriage anymore and that is largely my fault because I am the one that has changed so much. I like change – life is a journey of constant change and I embrace that and it is hard to live with someone who would rather have stability and security. Nothin wrong with those things, they just are not me anymore. They also are not real to me anymore.
This is why even though our relationship is much better as far as friendship and intimacy, it still leaves something to be desired from my perspective. Once again because of my changed worldview. My wife and I got married because we were Christians and called into the ministry and everyone told us we would be good ministry partners. We were also secretly personally guilt driven into marriage because we were having sex for months before we were married. In the mindset we were brought up in; once you fuck you better get married or you’re sinning against a holy god. There was no consideration of compatibility or common interest. It is why some look at us and don’t get it. I at times feel that way too.
That is why in therapy the majority of focuses on what my new identity is now to deal with the loneliness question and a lot of questions on how to make this marriage work despite widely diverging values. My wife seems content but I know I am restless. Very restless. I don’t want to get to the point where I hate my life and marriage and all that goes with them again. But if something doesn’t change soon, that is where I will be. I know myself much better now and the danger is very real.
Thanks for reading all that if you did.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.