Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day
Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.
This is part four of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:
All of what has come before in this series has been about getting to this post. I want final closure on a lot of this and so writing is for me a way of working through all that. How successful I have been with this will be revealed in time. I don’t want to write on this stuff again. There are scars and aspects of some of this I will probably carry for the rest of my life, but I want to speak of them as little as possible and only when I have to do so.
This last post will take the form of me having one-sided conversations with some of the various people I have mentioned already. This is an idea given to me from a book that was suggested to my wife and I called – Words Can Change Your Brain by Newberg and Waldman. It has a way of bringing closure but also I have another objective. Some of these people I no longer have contact with and I just want to say my piece to them as if they were there and then walk away. My life awaits and it is time to start living it more fully. I can’t do that with these emotional weights on my back. If I carry anything as The Grey Wayfarer, it needs to be only what I need to carry. This shit isn’t something I need anymore. I am hoping this is a way to put it all down and walk on.
So who am going to talk to?: The Dirty Pig, My Former Congregation, Miss Salty’s Family, Miss Salty, and two conversations with myself – The Old Me and the New Me. Basically a list of people I need to walk on from and one person that needs to move on. This is going to be painful. But also completely necessary for ‘Final’ Closure.
To the Dirty Pig:
I have rehearsed what I would say to you if we ever ran into each other again many times, it boils down to the following list.
- I trusted you to handle things as my friend, you said you would, but you never really were my friend, just a poser who pretended to be so for his own advantage.
- If you even hold your hand out to me know I already have a response that goes something like this: “Take that hand and shine it up pretty, turn it sideways and shove it up to your ass.” Sorry, that it is as warm and friendly as it is going to get.
- I should have known because the trail of bodies that represents former ‘friends’ of yours that lays behind you in a long line and now I am just one of them. Does it ever bother you, that people are so disposable to you?
- What hurts the most, if the roles had been reversed, is I would have given you the benefit of the doubt and time to think things over some more because I cared for you as a friend. It hurt even more because you tricked me into not confessing to my congregation so you could play that to your advantage – you were a coward and stabbed me in the back. You did me personal harm and damage even though I never did any to you. Had to ‘teach me a lesson”. What a self-righteous and sanctimonious fuck you are.
- I really hope that you get over your narcism and pathological tendency to bend the world around you to the lies you tell yourself. You need help.
- If you really care for the church, resign as a moderator and don’t be involved for a few years. Better yet, never again.
- I wish you a long but miserable life. I hope what goes around comes around is true for you. I have no desire for revenge because it is stupid, but know this – if an opportunity for justice presents itself to me, I will not hesitate to take it. You have no friend in me anymore, I am your enemy. Your best course of action is to mind your own business, and if you see me, walk the other direction. I will certainly do the same.
To My Former Congregation:
This has three parts:
- To those of you who voted to fire me. I have forgiven all of you but you as my former flock disappoint me as much as I may have disappointed you. I may have hurt you, but you hurt me back which I don’t think you could classify as ‘Chrisitan’. If you see me and are not prepared in some way or form to say you are sorry, then just keep walking. I stand by my statement that I feel I was judged, not for the nine and a half years I loved you and cared for you, but for the one bad decision I made at the end.
- To those who didn’t vote to me fire – thanks for listening and remembering. I have talked with many of you but I don’t know if I have talked with all of you. I am glad you listened to me and remembered my teachings over the years.
- To those that have asked for forgiveness directly – thanks. Most of you have left the church with much the same observations of the Dirty Pig as me. So I am glad I am not alone. You are always welcome at my door, just call first. Some of you are friends and will remain so.
To Miss Salty’s Family:
I offer my apologies to you. I know my reaction if it had been my niece, daughter, etc., would have been much the same as yours. That said, I feel your largest problem was that you couldn’t accept that Miss Salty had grown up. The one thing for sure is I would have never hurt her or asked her to do anything she didn’t want to do. You probably won’t believe this but the whole thing was indeed mutual from the very beginning. Sorry for the feelings caused, but I don’t expect your forgiveness. You don’t have to. You can take comfort in the fact that the way she broke up with me was such I will have trust issues with her for a long time, and there isn’t really much of a possibility of a relationship in the future in any case with me being back with my wife. I wish you all health and happiness.
To Miss Salty:
Of all the messages I had to write in this post the one to you Miss Salty is the hardest. I have imagined how this conversation would go many times and it comes out different each time. I am hoping by writing it this time, it will be more concrete.
I ain’t going to lie, I miss you. But I struggle with who exactly I miss. Was it really you or the character you were playing? Was it MaKala, Miss Salty, Elpis or someone else? I do know that whoever she was, she came into my life at a very cold, dark time and offered a lot of warmth and light. For that, I thank her, whoever she was. She was truly the salt in my life that gave it flavor at the time. She will always be Miss Salty to me. There will always be a small piece of my heart that loves her. It is just the way I am. I don’t know if not being able to get rid of love completely for a woman I have loved is a blessing or curse sometimes. Please don’t take advantage of it.
I also know that I try very hard to remember the good and to forget the bad but without too much success. I don’t know what to do about that, I am hoping someday to get some personal counseling on it. I still write poems but they are difficult because you are remembered every damn time. August 2nd, I found myself crying over the remembered emotions from last year and so it is the pain that is hardest to get over. There a hole missing in my life that no person or thing seems to be able to fill now. Maybe with time, it will. I hope so. There is also a scared over slash in my heart that is still healing but it bleeds still on the inside.
I want you to live life. I want you to find someone that loves you for you. Be who you really are and find the person who loves you for who you are – all the good, bad, ugly and the beautiful parts of you. You are worth that. Never forget you are worth that.
I applaud you for at least having the courage to do what you did and you did it to my face. Unlike one I have already talked to above, you were far braver. I am sorry he used you to get to me, but that is his nature. I said it before and I say it again – The Dirty Pig is not your friend. Remember that. Remember you are disposable to him if no longer sees a use for you, I found that out the hard way. Please don’t be another one of his discarded people. Don’t let yourself be another one of his ‘friendship’ casualties.
I just wish how you did it was different, so I didn’t have so many questions. That said, trying to contact me with answers would be a bad idea unless you can find a way that doesn’t involve social media (you’re blocked for obvious reasons) or direct contact (I am not sure how I would take that). I will just have to learn to live with my ignorance. It wouldn’t be the first time I had to do so.
I hold nothing against you, but one thing. I think you need to tell people and yourself the truth about your role in all this being mutual and not me manipulating you. You know that is not true. I think you need to show some courage and face the consequences of that truth. I don’t know if I would ever hear about it, but I think for your own sake, you need to do it. Being truthful with yourself is a hard thing – I know. But it is better that way.
I have said goodbye before to you and yet, despite it all, you are there. All pictures are deleted or destroyed, the books were thrown away along with the first aid kit. The rock you gave me also gone. I deleted The Hedge completely. I have tried to be very thorough in getting rid of any reminder of you out of my life, and yet, there you are. Sometimes in troubling dreams or in thoughts when I see or read something we used to talk about. Songs we talked about come to my ear, and there you are. I have tried to say a permanent goodbye so many times in my heart but can never seem to make it have the effect of healing I want. This is going to be a slow goodbye for me, I can tell. No getting around it.
It has been a year since I heard those words from your lips – “I can’t do this” and they still echo in my heart like ripples back and forth on a pond. I am trying to love my wife more and more each day, but your ghost or the ghost of what I thought was you haunt me. Worse still is the possibility that someday we might very well run into each other, and then I am not sure what my reaction will be. I guess if that happens, it will speak for itself.
Goodbyes are difficult for me and I am coming to the painful conclusion that they might be impossible regarding you. I don’t know yet, I have to walk this out and see. You hurt me and yet, I find it impossible to hate you. You left me lonely and alone and yet…I don’t feel any malice. Maybe somebody can help me someday with this. I hope so because it makes things more difficult than they need to be. The Grey gets triggered because of it and it would be nice if that stopped happening.
I would say goodbye, but your ghost still follows me. So its ‘goodbye’ in quotes for now and maybe someday, with enough time, you will haunt me less. I hope so.
To My Old Self – Pastor Ed:
You need to go, buddy. You sacrifice too much of yourself and then you end up hurting yourself and people you love. You have long been a liability to yourself. You need to go. You’re a good guy, but you are also self-destructive. You need to go. I know some people will miss you and I will too, but you cost me too much over the years to maintain anymore. You need to go. You are just not a really good friend to me anymore. You need to go. You make yourself vulnerable and people take advantage of us. You need to go. Goodbye, Pastor Ed.
To My New Self – The Grey Wayfarer:
It’s time to get up and walk again. You have had your conversations here on the side of the road and now, you need to get up, grab your spear, pull your cloak around you, whistle for the wolves and ravens and walk on. It’s time to move on and be yourself.
Don’t look back. You’re not going that way. If some choose to catch up with you and talk to you that is one thing, or people cross your path again that is OK. Old friends and those you know are always welcome to walk with you for a time. But you know it is dangerous to look back and think of all the would haves and should-haves. It’s the path behind and there is no changing where your footsteps already are.
Time to walk into the future. Time to face the unknown with courage, honor, and truth. Time to live your life, be self-reliant, work hard and give generously as you can. Time to maintain disciplined steps, keep getting up when you fail and stay loyal to those who have shown themselves loyal to you. Keep walking. The ghosts of the past are going to haunt you from time to time, but find a way to be at peace with them and keep walking. The Grey Storm is going to come from time to time. Learn to walk through it and be better for it.
Time to truly become,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.