Happy Tyr’s Day
I have a Of Wolves and Ravens post in the incubator but I am so focused on the realignment I am doing that I don’t want to rush it and
fuck it up have it not be as good as it could be. I will post it next week but this week I have the time and the emotional state where writing The Grey and the Wayfarer’s latest installment.
If anyone has ever dealt with depression or someone who thy love who is depressed; you know this two-word phrase (when people ask how you or they are) is one of the most challenging to decipher. Sometimes the person is genuinely OK and they are telling you that. Other times the non-verbal cues would tell you otherwise and you should listen to them and not the words. Non-verbal communication rarely lies. If you’re talking on the phone with someone with depression, you really have to rely on tone of voice, losing the non-verbal by not looking at them leaves you in the dark a lot.
There are probably two people in the world right now that will notice a short pause before I answer them when they ask – “How are you?” That’s because with them, I have made a commitment to be absolutely honest. That pause is me giving my soul a quick look and asking what the truth is. If I say “I’m OK” to them, it true. Everyone else, it’s not that I don’t trust you it’s….. Well, I hope you understand.
That said, even when I say ‘I’m OK’ and am truthful about it, what does that mean? Well, I am not great. I am also not depressed. It’s really a state of emotional functionality. I am broken but I can function. I can actually do pretty well, it is just I feel at times I am just marking time from one thing to the next. Just existing. I feel emotions, but it is a low-level emotion that is a combination at times of sadness/ joy and pain/triumph. The best way to describe it is that my emotional lights flicker. It’s like spring or fall between the seasons. It’s like the electrical system of my emotions has a short in it.
Doesn’t mean there is something wrong, but nothing is right either. ‘I’m OK’ is probably the best way to put it.
The cause of this is not so much I am wired wrong. Probably the opposite actually. I am highly wired and hard-wired and so like all things complicated – things go wrong easily and frequently:
1) I am emphatic. I pick up people’s emotions and I find myself feeling what they feel. You think that is great? Try being a pastor for twenty years dealing with everyone
shit negative emotional states all the time. It’s drives you to introversion, trust me.
2) I don’t stop thinking. From the moment I wake up until I go to bed, my mind is working. It’s fine when I have a problem to solve or something to think about. It’s when I am bored or there is nothing to do that this really begins to lead you down some dark lines of thinking.
3) I have a near photographic memory for verbal conversations. It’s contextual thankfully. I have to be in the place or similar place the conversation took place most of the time, but if I concentrate hard enough I can still pull it off. It’s why I am glad I don’t live where I used to live or have to go to the church I used pastor. Far too painful from the memory flood. I have a hard enough time meeting people I used to know. Yeah, that is enough of a trigger. It’s why I really need a fresh start somewhere else still.
The cause of all this is of course wounds received at my own hand and the hand of others. This time of year last year, I was forming a very tight relationship with someone. My fault and hers that we ended up being closer than we should have been. I don’t really blame her or me anymore. It happened, and assigning blame only really helps those who want to lie to themselves, so they can look themselves in the mirror. Or to look at me or the girl in the face again and still love us. Comforting lies don’t really help though. Just saying. We would all be better off facing the painful truth.
In one sense I look at my scars as the cause of this flickering emotion. Not so much the scars, as I wrote in my poem “The Scar”, but the seeping poison of a bleeding wound behind the scar – internal pain. But I also know some of the deepest and still internally bleeding wounds were self-inflicted. The ‘you’ in that poem has a lot of candidates, including myself.
I’m OK and I’m Broken at the same time. I wish there was some magical way to ‘get over it’ like people say at times. But there isn’t. I’m OK and I have to be OK with that. I have to function despite the flicker lights and I do. I have to for the sake of people I love and care for. I have to love them when I don’t feel love and I have to love myself as well even when I don’t feel it. I have to be OK, because sometimes its the best I have.
OK in The Grey,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.