Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

If someone were to ask what is the most difficult thing for me right now it is to be positive about my future. This is an essential element to my understanding of personal honor. The reason is that the past right now, and memories of it, are very strong.  February last year is the time when things really started to go off course and I ended up in some very stormy seas because of it, all the way to the end of summer. I unfortunately has a dream Tuesday of last week that kind of supercharged all that because there were two people in that dream that were center stage to all that. Both of which hurt me pretty badly, and both of which I now regret ever being involved with in the first place. I also have my own demons from my own actions that were not in line with what I would consider good virtue.  MY introspective moments seem to lead to the following observation.

The real need right now is to look to the horizon and see my course. The drag on that is the storm of The Grey, memories, self battles and negative feelings about last year.  I am trying very hard to look at this as phantom storm because it is really not there; but at the same time, it is. The cold reality sometimes is that some memories never fade and some scars never completely heal. I will probably carry some of this the rest of my life.  My hope is to find a way to adapt and see past it.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

Honor.  It’s a difficult word because it very much involves looking toward the future with a positive eye.  I am doing that positive part more as a matter of discipline than feelings right now. That makes the honor thing a little shaky because I don’t feel honorable.  But honor, the real stuff is a little deeper than feelings. I need to remember that more and more.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

There is some truth to the idea that on some days courage might be displayed in the fact that I get up and face the day. Getting out of bed a couple of times last week was the most courageous thing I did. Mostly though I am finally seeing that some days are just a grind and I need to just move and keep walking.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

Truth is I am at that point where things are just work.  Not the good kind of work either. It is just the day-to-day of doing what I need to do with that numbness that accompanies The Grey.  The reason I hate this is it reminds me so much of how I felt just a year ago as I would saddle up every morning on Sunday and go to preach.  I hate that feeling, but the only remedy I have found is to keep doing what needs to be done and wait for it to fade. I just don’t know how long that is going to be given the memories are pretty strong that keep stirring things up.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I have one thing that seems to light my way these days – Love.  I love my wife and I am working very hard to show that as much as possible. At the same time I fear that I am doing things purely to make up for what happened last year; out of guilt, and that is really not the kind of love I want to express.  More of a love that is new and fresh.  A new horizon kind of love.

Morning Routine:

1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
2. Review Goals and Bucket List
3. Meditation
4. Full Body Stretch
5. Shower and Personal Hygiene
6. Get Dressed for the Day

Pretty good.  It is hard to develop new habits, but my best bet for doing so is in the morning. It also has been providing motivation to get up every morning; and once I am started, I don’t seem to have trouble in keeping going.

Bucket List:

1. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
2. Get My Tattoos.
3. Actually Get Drunk.
4. Smoke a Joint.
5. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
6. Write My Novel.
7. Learn Latin.
8. Learn Hungarian.
9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.

I need to reassess what is possible by July.  But these things could be the kind of things that pull me out of the Storm.  One victory here might be the key to having the summer not be so draining.

Weightlifting:

It is these kind of emotional moments that make me miss the gym and my iron.  The iron never is anything but what it is. I miss the consistency of it.  I really hope i find a new job soon and that it is close to a new gym.  In the meantime, I am thinking a few dumbbells and a simple folding bench might be my answer so I don’t go completely soft.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!