Marriage

“Marriage Balance” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I mentioned on Wooden’s Day that the struggle for me and my wife is marriage balance.  if you love someone you want them to be happy and the best way for you to let them achieve that is let them be themselves.  On the flip side, you got married to that person because there are things you expected from the marriage as far as what the marriage does for you.  What you expected the other person to do for you that would help you pursue that happiness.

For me, there is a lot of freedom I expect to be given to me and I work very hard to give a lot to my wife. At the same time, I know she expects some things from me and I from her. We wouldn’t have gotten married if there wasn’t something we were expecting for ourselves from that marriage that in some way contributed to our well being. We at least at the bare minimum expect our spouses to love and respect us.

my struggle is not to lose what I want to compromise to make my wife happy.  I know that sounds counter to what I just said but the problem is if you are miserable as a consequence of making the other person happy, then that is not right.  This is the problem because freedom and expectations need to be such that both people are achieving happiness.  That the other person’s happiness affects your own.

I spent three very long years doing stuff to make my wife happy which at the same time made me miserable so my struggle is not to repeat that. I don’t want to lose what I want out of life and my marriage to make her happy at my expense.  She loves me, so it should mean she doesn’t want that either. It is definitely one of those tricky things for us.

It is where the virtues of discipline, perseverance, and fidelity help.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Now I am not talking BDSM here with marriage and discipline. 🙂 I am talking about the regualar expression of love, affection, and renewal of the relationship that needs to take place on a daily basis.  If your spouse is the number one person in your life, then one of your number one priorities should be to express that every day somehow.  On your list of things to do this should be right up there as the number one relationship discipline of your life.

With my wife and me, this involves a few things.  For my part, I make sure to send her a text saying I love you every day.  I do this in person every day as well.  Now we have the possibility of us being separated for whatever reason which means a face to face phone call that day instead.  Every day we are together we also have cuddle and communication time which is mandatory for at least ten minutes. I know my wife asks me how I am doing most days because she knows I walk the Grey known as depression so she asks from time to time and really means it.  I do my best to answer absolutely as honestly as I can.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Marriages fail when all sides give up.  My wife never gave up once we split-up. She was getting close to it as we got closer to divorce but she never caved. Her failure was pretty much giving up on thinking she needed to still work at our relationship.  Part of perseverance is not taking things for granted including your marriage is strong.  Sometimes it just isn’t strong and you need to work on that.  Never assume that just because you have been together for a while that you or your spouse are in a good place.

In our case, the relationship was falling apart for years before my affair.  If it hadn’t been nothing would have happened because the strength of it would have protected it.  It was a weak marriage because both of us were dissatisfied with the other person.  Respect and expressions of love were very minimal. For me, this coupled with my personality type which is the kind that expects a lot out of relationships and needs a small amount of very close relationships and at least one intimate one to function, I was very lonely.  The rest is pretty much the anatomy of the typical good guy who has an affair.

Even after all that both my wife and I still decided to give it one more try and make the necessary changes. We got up after failure and kept going.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The balance problem in our marriage is one of respecting the individual loyalty she and I should have for ourselves and what each of us wants as individuals; and at the same time, there is our relationship that requires compromise on that to maintain loyalty to the marriage itself. It is a balancing act where sometimes we give up something we want and other times, we give the other person the freedom to do what they want to do.   The real challenge is when what we want involves the other person.  Still a work in progress on this one as we are both trying to figure out a lot of things.

One note I need to make here is the mini-vacation was achieved. It was nice although every time we take one of these things, other issues get revealed that require thought and action.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Wisdom in marriage is a collective thing and each side needs to listen to the other.  Sometimes you are the one with the wise words, sometimes it’s your spouse. Balance is key the most in this regard. What I do know is that following the Nine Noble Virtues on my side has lead to some good things in my marriage.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Next week I will be working on moving these things as much as possible to the daily list.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Business of Marriage” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day

Journal Entry:

This post will is being written the last moments of my wife and I’s little anniversary excursion. I am up in the early am again as always and she is sleeping nearby.  This post will, however, drop on Wooden’s Day.  I will be back to work, my wife too.  We will be back to the business of our lives and the business of marriage will resume.

I know some people don’t like that idea of ‘the business of marriage’.  Romanticism has done that to us. Truth is in the past people had a far better understanding of ‘business’ as being the relationships people have.  Sometimes business involves money, but it always involves a human relationship.  Marriage is at its core a business relationship.  I mean I can get friendship and sex without marriage.  I can even have kids without it.  What marriage brings to the table is a certain understanding of responsibility toward each other.  I am not going to debate the thought of if this is how it should be, but society and the people involved in marriage are in business together as far as a relationship and that is supposed to be about gaining mutual gain and happiness.

Socially it has all the trappings of a business relationship 1) A contract, 2) expectations and 3) a cost. I am not sure I like these thoughts either which is why I have said that anything should happen to my wife (no I don’t want that to happen but I am a realist about these things), my next intimate relationship with a woman may not involve any of what mainstream society thinks.  Just read what any libertarian writes about marriage licenses and government involvement in marriage and you will get what I think about them.

The thing is with my wife and me the business of marriage has never been our problem.  It is the balance of love of the other person and the love of ourselves that is the most difficult about this, but more on that in a couple days.  For now, I want to simply point to the fact that my wife and I have a business arrangement and the license, rings, and vows don’t stop you from breaking it. Something we have both learned through painful experience.  No, you have to commit to walking in the virtues of business to make this work.  You have to commit to the ideals of self-reliance, industriousness, and hospitality.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual but also for the family, clan, tribe, and nation.”

Principle: To achieve and maintain personal independence and advocate for independence in my family, state and nation.

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by the end of June 2019 or before.

Bucket List: To own and run my own successful business or company.

Part of self-reliance is having someone you can trust to work with you to achieve independence. It is easy to work for your own independence but when you start that bridge to working for the independence of your family, that first person that should be your partner in that is your spouse or it better be. My wife and I have always been good partners in this regard because we share a pretty common thread of not wanting to be dependent on others for support.  Neither of us likes to spend money unless we have to and that helps but it is also sometimes a drag.  There is a reason why independence needs to be celebrated and that is what this last anniversary trip was about.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published.

A long term relationship is work.  There are often no shortcuts to it either.  You also don’t want to be just working at it to work at it. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is insanity after all.  Relationships need some level of efficient working at communication and actions.  This one is a struggle for me in the communication part as I have this issue of verbal communication of feelings.  It is real work for me to express them with my mouth.  Easier with my fingers on a keyboard. So it is work to talk.  It also is a recognized vulnerability for me when I can open up verbally about anything I want to talk about.  I didn’t realize this until very recently.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader of a support group of some kind.

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

The essence of hospitality is compassion.  For my wife and me, as a pastor and wife in the past, this was a central tenet of our ministry – compassion to people.  Hospitality was something we wanted people to feel.  Now, I am not sure how we are going to express that together with me leaving the faith and the ministry. It is something we will in the future have to figure out.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

At some point last year, my marriage became worth fighting for and it still is.  Part of this is the concept of treating my wife as fairly as possible. Part of it is also that I am being treated fairly by her and making sure that she and I are living up to our end of what we agreed to  All this and at the same time making sure we each are not losing what we want for ourselves.  Justice is the main goal of the business virtues.

Daily Routine:

  1. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  3. Reading – half-hour. Priority order: work, school, pleasure
  4. Study / Homework / Research: half hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
  5. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, other actions, etc.
  6. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  7. Weekly Routine Items
  8. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

I will be working on moving things from my weekly routine to this one as much as possible next week. Trying something new to get better results.

Still walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The 30th Anniversary That Almost Wasn’t” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Right now as I write this post it is June 9th, 2019.  I am sitting in my hotel room at 3 am and my wife is sleeping nearby. My wife is still with me and that is the greatest cause for me to be happy at this point. Tomorrow this post will drop and it will be our 30th anniversary.  Three decades together is a pretty impressive milestone these days and I suppose that should be the topic of my thoughts but rather it is the fact that this is the anniversary that almost wasn’t.

On our 29th anniversary, my wife and I were separated.  At the time I was sick of our marriage and the cold deadness of it. I didn’t hate my wife, I just didn’t want to be married to her anymore.  My love for her had completely dried up.  The results of keeping a lot of thought to myself and her own admitted lack of respect for me. That leads to a dead marriage where you live together and can even have sex, but the relationship sucks overall. I mark this date because I waited until the 11th to file for divorce.

At the time I was in love with someone else. Some people don’t want to think it was genuine but the truth that needs to be faced is at least on my side. This dead marriage I was in had left me vulnerable and open to anyone who showed me some sort of concern or respect and Miss Salty stepped in.  Fast forward a couple months and that relationship was over and I was hurt very badly.  I contacted my wife after a couple weeks of being miserable.

Oddly enough she didn’t react like I think most women would have, she listened.  Over the next week, a lot happened but the short story was we reconciled and I canceled the divorce.  It was only three days from our hearing. On that day, we weren’t in court and instead were in a hotel room much like now spending that day naked in each other’s arms instead.

For her, she never stopped loving me.  She just had to realize that love isn’t enough to keep things going in a marriage and now I see a lot of changes in how she treats me because of it.  It wasn’t the best way to learn this but she has done very well in a lot of respects. If she had approached it differently we would not be here.

For me, my love is much different toward her.  I suppose it is reflected in my Foundational Virtues and so my love for her is not the old one – that dried up.  It is new, based on a new understanding of what I value most.

This week’s journal posts, in general, will be a consideration of my virtues in my life regarding my marriage.  If you want to know why my love for my wife is new and different and learn something from it, then keep reading.  Not just today, but Woden’s Day and Frigg and Freya’s Day too.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

Part of honor is showing respect toward the honorable in your life when they demonstrate it. My wife is a very noble person in that respect.  Despite all the hurt she looked past it and was open to hearing my side of why I wanted out.  She didn’t react in anger toward me although I am sure she felt it. She gets my respect a lot more in this new love of mine because, in some aspects of character, she exceeds me by quite a bit.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.

It took a lot of courage for us to both face reconciliation.  But to bravely hope the best was her doing.  In that respect, she had far more courage than I did.  I wanted to walk and start over with someone else. It has been a lot of work and challenges for us.  For her it is bravely facing the fact her husband is a different man in many respects. She is facing this very well.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2020 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

It takes both sides to admit the truth that it is both their fault. Just yesterday, we had this conversation about a friend of ours and how when he had done much the same as I did, how no one was concerned about he felt. I can echo that feeling during my own struggles.  If you are going to reconcile, the fact that the opposite number might have had an affair needs to be addressed for sure and there is no excuse for it, but there are reasons a person turns to someone else besides their spouse that relates to the relationship and why it fell apart.  my wife faced the truth of this and if she hadn’t this would be a non-existent anniversary.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I guess Love is central but my definition of love is far different than my days a Christian –  It is deeper and more realistic.  Romance is fine but it comes and goes. Love that has some strength to it requires Honor, Courage and Truth.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

No morning routine these next couple days.  Other than to wake up next to my wife and do some serious naked cuddling and making love.  This part of my life’s journey is one I want to enjoy.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Sappy Love Songs” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

Let’s See Head Banger, Hard Rocker, Alternative Hard Rocker.  I suppose you would see a trend in what I like if you were to look at what I listen to most of the time.  But then you would see a few songs and have that ‘one of these things is not like the other” moment.  It would probably be that odd sappy love song.  Yep, despite my hard edge with most of my musical choices, I am a sucker for a good love song.

Probably the reason for this is that being an empath I can feel that shit.  Love is a strong emotion and in music, I have this ability to feel not only the message of the song but the emotions of the performer.  I mean I feel that shit in my soul.  I can feel the emotions of the singers in particular but musicians can definitely push it too. It is this connection of strong feeling particularly love that can melt me on some of these.

Mostly though these songs remind me of events involving my life regarding love.  There has been more than one woman I have loved over the years and some of these songs take me back to them.  There are also recent events where I have in many ways fallen in love with my wife anew.   So here is a list of some of my favorites and a few with significance.

Personal Significance:

Silly Love Songs: Love this song mostly because if you listen to it is very multilayered the music is high end from a talent perspective. The bass player in this one is off the chart.  It makes the song. The simple lyrics and melody are classic. For me, it is a simple reminder that no matter how much love hurts or can cause us trouble we never get tired of it and the song that sing about it.

I Will Always Love You: I have felt this way now a couple times with the women I have loved and lost now.  I guess Ms. Houston sings for all of us that have been there  The lyrics and her voice are what kills this one. She is one of those legendary voices that never gets old. Now mostly it is how I feel like I am singing this to two women in particular where I understand if I stayed in their life, I would have only gotten in the way, but because of my personality type and who I am the message is true. I never completely stop loving a woman I have fallen in love with, that is just who I am.  I adapt to them being gone but I never stop.

Honestly: This is the song that reminds me of my first love.  It reminds me of how I felt back then with her.  Now when I hear it, I get taken back to then.  It is still hard to listen to at times.  You know.  The ‘what if’, it gets you.

All of Me:  Another song that calls back an old flame.  I still can’t listen to this one all the way through. At least not yet.  Events are too recent I guess. John’s voice is iconic and the lyrics absolutely perfect. I have those feelings of loss every time so I stay away from it. Maybe someday it will be different.

Happy to Be Stuck with You: My wife and I never had “our song”.  Until now.  I guess it fits our relationship – love, stuck with each other but loving it and it is a little fun as we are better friends than we have been in a long time.  Huey and the News brought back the kind fo doo whop sound with modern 80s pop together in an interesting way.  They definitely had a lot of songs like this.  This one is ours – my wife and I  – stuck with each other and loving every minute of it.  Fun and love are both expressed.  Nothing like laughing and loving at the same time.  The video is kind of like that too.

Play List:

Silly Love Songs – Paul McCartney & The Wings: 

I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston: 

Honestly – Stryper:

All of Me – John Legend:

Happy to Be Stuck with You – Huey Lewis and the News:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Last Sermon” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 11

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

One year ago today (May 27th, 2018), I preached my last sermon as a Christian pastor. When people ask me how I am doing, I am doing as well as can be expected, given the time of year and the memories involved with it. Part of that is leaving the identity behind of ‘pastor’.  This week is dotted with a lot of emotions, but leaving the ministry behind for good was bittersweet and it speaks to me of waste.  The thought that I have wasted 20 years of my life crosses my mind a lot.

My last sermon couldn’t have been more ironic. I was in an affair preaching on adultery from the ten commandments. My basic message was that if Jesus’ words on adultery were the facts, then we have all failed and we just need to cling to grace because that is all we got. No one is going to make it if the standard is not lusting.  No one could meet that standard.

Emotionally this was my most difficult sermon ever. I just wanted the service to end and go home. Neither my flame at the time or my wife was there and I felt alone and just sick of being a pastor and all of it. I went home, the woman I was having an affair with told her aunt about it.  I told my wife and the rest is a painful history.

I wouldn’t have minded so much but when it came to my last church, the message of grace seemed completely lost, even though I had been preaching it for nine and a half years to them. Lots of wasted words from my point of view. The man I entrusted my resignation to engaged in a plan to basically make things to be much worse than they really were.

For the record once again, I have never actually had sex with the woman I had an affair with, in fact ever.  At the time of my resignation, it had barely graduated beyond “I love you” and holding hands at a prayer meeting that looked normal to everyone else.  People made this to be much more than it was and that hurt too.  Because the man in charge let it happen on purpose. He told me he didn’t want gossip to spread through the church which is very sensible. He also told me he didn’t want to drag the woman into it either to protect her, something that was my concern as well. But once he had my resignation I had revised removing that confession line at his request, he called the woman up within probably minutes of me giving it to him and asked her permission to tell the story.

In the week’s that followed he did everything possible to make sure that gossip and rumor were exactly what happened. He deliberately dragged the woman into it (made possible by the fact we had broken up at the time and we were not talking to each other)  to do this and used her to get to me. I looked like I was hiding something, which I wasn’t. He looked like the hero so he could feed that ego and hero complex of his. He used it in the following weeks to paint a picture of me as a monster, the woman as a victim and him as the white knight that was here to bring the monster down. What a load of bullshit he piled up. All of it. 

In the end, he used the emotional hurt and anger of the congregation to get me fired and no severance given. I was never informed of anything that was going on officially until it was all over. The whole process was done without me being asked to speak on my own behalf one time.  ‘Grace’ and ‘Mercy’ at their finest.  That’s sarcasm if you can’t tell.  Bitter Sarcasm.   

I have forgiven the congregation for this.  They were misinformed and misled by a man who has to be in control of everything because he is personally insecure. People like him are in every church and the real cause of problems and why churches don’t succeed and have the reputations they have.  I have even forgiven the woman’s busybody aunt who did the most to engage in gossip. She was just acting in anger and hurt and I very much understand it.  She actually had good reasons to act the way she did, even if her actions were not very Christian.  Whatever that means. 

But the man himself – if there is any force of justice in the world I hope he has to experience the betrayal, manipulation, lies, theft of honor, and all the rest of it that he visited on me himself.  That karma visits on him the exact same thing he did to me. If nothing else I hope he lives a long and miserable life surrounded by no one at the end of it. That would be an end which he deserves because of his very utilitarian view of friendship. His friends no longer seeing him as useful so they simply don’t show up to help or comfort him. That would be truly fitting. 

As far as me and The Grey, this ‘one year ago thing’ is bothering me but I am moving through it. I refuse to go down to this storm.  I want to walk through it laughing at it. Mostly though, I just want a new sense of identity beyond the pastoral ministry thing.  It’s garbage to me now. An old cloak I have discarded. The white hat, the cross, and white cloak no longer suit me.  I prefer grey vestments and vulknut medallion now.

Mostly, my wife and I are trying to build some new memories. I worry about her as she has to get used to a man who is in many ways, not the same as he was. A man who is damaged in some ways, trying to heal as well.  Who will never completely heal and will no longer be what he was.  I want her to be happy because my own happiness depends on it.  I just don’t know about my side of it a lot.

The last sermon I preached in the church was ironic but also fitting.  The whole thing of pastoral ministry is adultery in my opinion now.  A pastor’s church is a mistress.  One that takes a lot and gives back very little and much like a real mistress drives a wedge between you and those you love as a pastor. A smart man gets out a lot sooner than I did.

I walk The Grey right now.  It is this time of year last year where every day has some significant event and memory that makes it difficult.  It probably won’t stop until the summer is over. I am just trying to live my life and living it in joy as much as possible.  If it wasn’t for the guilt and pain I have associated with these memories of last year, it would be easier.  The thing is I have come to accept that this walk is my path, but I can’t control the weather. I wish I could.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 10 – Storm’s Edge

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

No Crossin Bifrost this week. I just don’t have the time for proper research.  There however might be another Rogue Wizard this weekend.

If you ever had that moment where you are standing outside and you can see the edge of a storm coming in toward you, then you might have an idea of what I am feeling.  It’s the storm known as The Grey and what is causing it is memories of the past, particularly from this time last year. I know it is coming and I know it is going to be tough.  I also know it is probably unavoidable. The list of problems is already forming in my head.

  1. My last sermon was May 27th, 2018 and I haven’t been in a church since May 28th, 2018.  It a kind of bittersweet milestone. I miss my people at times but they also fired me after years of preaching love, grace, and forgiveness.  Seems like my words were wasted. Twenty years of ministry is over and I am sure that some small amount of Grey will try to creep into my life over it because I feel largely it accomplished very little.
  2. Last year my wife and I were separated from May 27th until August 19th. We called off our divorce pretty much with days to spare. This last year has been a time of counseling and work to get our relationship back on track.  It has been good but we are both going to hit our 30th anniversary this year and remember that last year we were separated for it.  We hopefully will use our mini-vacation to make some better memories for next year.  One thing I am glad of is I won’t have to deal with an annual church even which caused us to miss our anniversary to stay and work at the church for many years on that day.
  3. A good friend betrayed me last year and is no longer a friend. I suspected he wasn’t the most loyal of a person based on his track record with others; but still, I trusted him and he took advantage of that so he could come off the white knight riding to the rescue.  Yeah, still burns me and I patiently wait for karma to bite his ass. That knife in my back through left a scar and I am sure it will flare up as we head through May and June.
  4. Lost love.  I deal with the pain of loss here as much as I wish I didn’t. Forgiveness has been easy on this one except for the one thing I have previously mentioned. It is just my nature to forgive those I have loved unless betrayal is involved. I don’t feel that way about this one, she had the decency to at least stab in the chest and look me in the face when she did it. I just feel I took a chance, rolled the dice and lost. Unfortunately, it was my heart the dice were being rolled for and it got hurt because of that loss.  My new love for my wife is helping; but like all things, it takes time and I am sure it will never fully heal.  It never does.

So what to do when you know you have a storm to walk through? Well, knowing it is coming helps so you can prepare.  Resolving to walk on regardless is the simple act of a survivor. I know what the memories involved; know the emotions involved.  I have dealt with them before.  Knowing is half the battle as GI Joe used to say. The rest of the battle is actually having the courage to keep walking and to act when necessary.

Well, time to pull the collar up around my neck and my hat down.  Time to make sure my robes and cloak are pulled tight around me. Have the wolves and ravens go ahead and scout the path. A storm is coming and I need to keep walking.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Forks in the Road (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

There are some forks in the road you do not want to encounter because they are difficult decisions to make.  I find the ones involving Self to be this way more often than not.  It is probably because inherent in Perseverance is this simple choice to get up or stay down.  But when you look at the options many times with self, there are no bad ones, just choices where you are trying to determine what is best.

If I wrestle with forks in the road here, it is about trying to find what works and what is best.  There is one issue however that is very difficult but more on that in a little bit.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

I am reassessing every Routine for effectiveness, but mostly I have come to the painful conclusion that I am simply weary with the whole academics and going to school thing.  I am probably going to take at least until the end of the year to think about whether to do a master’s degree and what one at this time.  I think it is best to put that on hold until I have a good job and know where I am living. That said once the semester is over in a little more than a week, I can get a better handle on what is working for me and how to fine-tune it.  I feel like I am drifting here and that isn’t good.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

This is the easy fork in the road for me.  I keep getting up and I keep going forward as best I can.  There is no quit here.  I would probably have to do this less emotionally if I would stop knocking myself down.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

This is the real fork in the road that is giving me pause.  In particular, ‘loyalty to self vs. loyalty to all the others’ comes up fairly regularly. I feel at times that I am losing what I want and my purpose as I strive for all the rest.  I really need to be loyal to myself at times and that is not always an easy thing to tell people.  I still feel like I need to back off yet with some things, because I am just not ready for them.  Still healing I think.  Deeper healing but still healing.  I really need a new and better paying job because of this because I really want to get back to counseling for myself and my marriage.   I can’t deny since we set it aside for financial reasons, I at least feel a little more adrift.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Every decision: What is the loving thing to do?  What is the just thing to do? What is the wisest thing to do? It does help to have this system.  It leads to wiser choices.  There are many forks in the road to navigate in life and having a way to ask these questions at each one has definitely helped.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Needs work but the weightlifting I am having no trouble with.  The rest is still a work in progress.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Warrior Mind (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

My Self Virtues are the actual preparation for battle in the warrior mindset.  Discipline is needed so that what needs to be done is automatic and doesn’t need to have too much thought behind it. Perseverance is the simple determined act of getting up and to keep going which is so necessary during battle. Fidelity is necessary because not all battles can be fought alone, at the same time loyalty to self is important because some battles can only be fought alone.

I feel very challenged and conflicted right now.  I really need these three virtues to work for me right now to clear that up.  I feel some real battles are coming in the next few months and I want my mind focused on what needs to be done and the goals. My Foundational Virtues are the mindset of vision for victory.  My Business Virtues are preparation in peace for war.  It is the Self Virtues that are the real nuts and bolts of making all this happen during the fight.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

My diet is clean 90% of the time and on track about that much of the time as well. It is not a big problem and part of the reason I can run into people I know and one of the first things they talk about is how much weight I have lost. I owe that to dietary changes.  It just happened this week and the person remarked its all those trips to the gym, but I really had three months off there from the gym or walking in general and so the thing that has kept the weight off is the diet.  My rebellious act is still being debated in my mind.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Weightlifting.  Check.  Walking/Hiking.  It is finally warm enough so probably next week I will set aside three days for a walk. It will be good for me to get outside and breath fresh air.  Stretching/Yoga.  I am thinking of returning this to the morning routine. It just worked better there. I have actually saved up money for my tattoo so this may very well be my first bucket list item crossed off. I am getting paid for this internship so some money from that might find its way here too.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Mini-Vacation is scheduled for June 9-11th.  True to form it is a time for me and my wife to get away and mostly spend time relaxing and hopefully making love and enjoy the local sites of a local city. Far away enough for us to be away, close enough to not take a long drive to get there.  Genetics tests could happen as soon as I get a new job.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

The wisest path is not always easy to find. I find myself overthinking at times. The temptation is to act quickly and not with patience. I know once school is done and I can truly focus on getting a job as well as refining and solidifying my routines. Wisdom is hard in this regard as patience is a very hard virtue that is part of it.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Next week I am doubling down on all my routines.  Mostly I really haven’t had time to really work out the details.  Once school is finished, that will change.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye – Pagan Holidays – Easter, Walpurgis, and Beltane

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Thor’s Day

Discussion:

From a Viking point of view, May Eve or April 30 represents the final day that Odin hung upside down on the World Tree and gained the knowledge of the runes.  It is a festival time that commemorates his sacrifice for humanity.  If you think this is suspiciously familiar with the Christian holiday of Easter, you would be right.

All mythology has within it some story of a god who sacrifices for humanity, this is hardly a unique concept and a very popular one with humans in every myth it is employed.  The End of April is a special time of year for pagans of Northern European heritage known as Walpurgis with its celebration of April 30 Beltane and May Day with its maypole celebrations. First, though, we should look at Easter and the elements of paganism in it.

See the source image

Easter.  The very name is stolen from Eostre the fertility goddess.  The pagan holiday revolves around fertility with rabbits being fertility symbols for obvious reasons and the egg as well-being the symbol of the beginning of life. It is funny to watch Christians with candy rabbits in their homes and coloring eggs and spring-like Easter traditions.  Probably harmless, but it shows how much the traditions of paganism can survive and adapt. The whole end of April though is pretty much about fertility to pagans and the actions that bring it about – namely sex and lots of it.

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Walpurgis. This a time of year at the end of April that stretches from April 22 to April 30 representing the nine nights that Odin hung from the World Tree. It is the official end of the Wild Hunt on April 30th. Six months previously it had started and now it ends.  On May 1st – May Day – young couples dance around the maypole and oaths of marriage are taken which lasts one year and a day.  Walpurgis is a time of other oaths as well.

Beltane.  There are other traditions around this festival time.  Most notably Beltane which is the night of April 30th itself. The end of winter is official and Summer begins.  The most notable tradition is spending the night in the woods ‘a-maying’.  Basically having sex and you could pretty much have sex with whoever you wanted.  Even married couples could for that single evening lay their wedding bands aside and have sex with whoever they wished. You could also stay at home if you didn’t want to participate.

See the source image

 

May Day.  May First becomes the maypole festival portion where young couples, who probably had sex the night before, dance around and give their oaths of marriage. These oaths lasted a year and a day.  The idea here that is unspoken is that married couples might split at this point, or retake their vows that would last another year and a day.  Must have made every year an interesting thing for married couples joined this way.  No one and done but a renewing of vows each year.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

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Faith:

If there is one thing we can all have faith in it is humans like to fuck have sex. This time of year actually celebrates that rather than calling down condemnation. Spring is about the death of winter and the birth of summer.  Fertility has a large part to do with that and is also celebrated along with children.  The one thing I can draw some faith from is looking at nudity, sex, and sexuality as a positive spiritual expression rather than taboo.  It is a welcome change.

Religion:

It takes religion to destroy the joy of life. One of those joys is making love and religion always tries to set standards, but in truth, there is no rational reason to forgo sex other than not wanting an STD or a child. Outside this, religion is basically a way to control sexual behavior and in my mind, this is the great distinction between religion and paganism.  Paganism isn’t interested in controlling the sexuality of others.  Far more practical, free, and less cult-like.

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Theology:

As a deist, I no longer have the appeal to authority that once was so necessary to dictate terms to people’s sexual relationships.  I don’t want it and it is a waste of energy in my mind to be judgmental of people’s sexual habits or living arrangements. With this absent, a theology of sex and sexuality is not difficult; it is simply non-judgmental. If you look at the nature of the world of sexual guidance, you will see it all.  From faithful monogamy to harems to interchange of partners whenever the mood strikes – animals literally do it all.

In the end, I leave it to each person’s own moral sovereignty to determine their living arrangement and sexual partners.  Control of sexual expression is just no longer part of my theology. My issue is wisdom in such arrangements and whether or not people are going to try to steal from me to pay for the consequences and results of such unions.  My only other moral concern is that each person is engaged with their full free will consent.

Spirituality:

Personally, I have always found sex to be as spiritual as it is physical.  Oneness is the best way I can describe it.  The fact that it is also physically enjoyable is pretty cool too, but its the intimacy often after sex that I enjoy the most.  That moment where you are naked in each other’s arms having spent all to make love. That moment is the best part to me spiritually speaking.

See the source image

Conclusion:

I continue to find pagan holidays and customs to be more practical and more realistic than religious ones.  There are more freedoms here and as such less unnecessary guilt and no shame.  If a relationship goes forward, it does so by constant yearly assessment rather than one and done. Sex is and it is not evil or dirty. Rather it is a natural thing to make love and the only concerns are children (which in paganism are celebrated), STDs and consent. Our modern world has actually made the STD and Children questions a matter much more manageable. Rape, of course, is universally condemned or at least it should be.

I find this holiday the most liberating from my past.  Even though I will be at home with my wife on Beltane because of my vows are ’til death do us part’, I find the notion of releasing religious judgment makes things less stressful and opens the door to a lot more friendships. Enjoy Beltane with your lover. Peace.

Continuing to Walk the Path,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – INFJ and Wisdom

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

At 1.5% of the population, we INFJs are the rarest personality type of the 16 identified by Myers-Briggs. We know it too. We feel unique because it is clear what motivates us is to not be like everybody else.  It is no accident that my personality gravitates to something like the Nine Noble Virtues and living a life that is higher and deeper based on them.  Words like Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity as far as my self concept mean a lot more to me, than they might to others.  All of these virtues have one powerful thing behind them – they are the wise way to handle myself in the midst of this world.  Stay disciplined, keep getting up and stay faithful to the people who have shown themselves faithful to you is simply the wisest way to live for me.

At this point, I have to mention how much from last year to this my personality changed.  Not that I moved to INFJ from something else, but rather how much stronger it is. I mentioned before my Introverted score increased from 75% to 94%.  From an understanding of myself point of view the other three also all became stronger as well.  I got burned, because I trusted my logic a little too much about people instead of my intuition, so I follow my gut more now with a higher N score 64% to 76%.  I have a higher emphasis on love being mutual happiness, so I am much more focused on feelings being important.  F score goes from 58% to 63%  I used to point out how close my J score was to becoming P, but not anymore as it has gone from 51% to 78%.

This is the most significant change.  I might reflect this in the statement – “I don’t trust words or even actions anymore – I judge patterns and results.” I look at the end result and the patterns of behavior and trust my judgment of them more than just the surface words and actions anymore.  In short, I am much more cautious about relationships than ever and I am far more focused on stuff that really means something and my own happiness.

The suggested strategy for my living with this personality is to walk in confident individualism and realize that my role in any group is to be the diplomat.  I would say that is a fairly accurate way to live – a wise way to live.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Discipline is something I cling to as an INFJ. Having a plan of self-improvement is just a natural thing to me.  If I have to watch anything, it is when I do achieve something the satisfaction from that does not last very long.  I am asking what is next very quickly.  I need to learn to celebrate achievements a little more.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

INFJ people just keep going, Mostly because we don’t really ‘need’ people but we do. I know that seems contradictory, but my personality is such that I can live without people and so when they leave me or abandon me or hurt me, I keep going.  That said, I can’t go forever without someone ‘getting me’,  It makes me slow down and it also leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerability that I can’t see but does build up until I will, without much thought, gravitate toward a person who does ‘get me’ regardless of consequences.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

This vulnerability became really apparent to me last year at this very time of year, although I would not at that time have identified it as such.  There was a young woman who ‘got me’ at a time of my life where I felt no one really did, not even those closest to me in both family and friends seemed to get me, just her. My personality was really excited about this person because they got me. I started to love and gravitate toward this person because of it.  I didn’t really care about much else. I didn’t’ really identify at the time the danger because I didn’t feel it was a bad thing because my need for this had gotten so high.

In the area fidelity, I struggle because I can go long periods without people in my life, but at the same time something inside is crying out to be understood and it slowly gets louder until it is screaming. The problem then is fidelity and even other virtues and their importance diminish in order to meet this need and it is such a strong need I don’t care about too much else.

I still have a hole in my life since Miss Salty’s departure but it isn’t about the romantic side of that relationship at all.  I have that with my wife right now.  It’s the simple thing of she ‘got me’ completely. Saw through the bullshit of the hard calm exterior and reached out to me as a friend and that meant a lot to me..  That was worth its weight in gold to someone with my personality. It is so rare though and I wonder if I will ever have that again.  At the same time I wonder if I even want it to happen again, because my fidelity with other people becomes a struggle when such a relationship appears in my life.  It tends to be all-encompassing because it is so rare to me.

To combat this, I make sure my wife and I tell each other we love each other now.  We make a point of it to tell each other in not just words but actions.  The problem remains in that I am not sure right now even with her, if she truly ‘gets me’ all the time. She is however more mindful of it and checks on my much more than she did which I appreciate so much.  Also, I am much more mindful of my need here and try to deal with it better.  What I need probably is more friends that can each fill a part of that hole. But that Introvert score is so large now thanks to this last year, and as such I am always being a skeptic when someone says their my friend or want to be my friend.  I really only have two friends I trust anymore completely and one of them is my wife.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I am all about making wise choices now, but in wisdom I also see there are not ‘black and white’ answers.  Only different levels of grey that I must navigate to find the best course. With Discipline I stay focused on my goals and try to be better every day.  With Perseverance I keep going because there is little wisdom in dwelling on defeats and failures.  Keeping a small circle and staying true to those who have been true to me is my fidelity motto, but there is my ‘weakness’ of the growing need for someone who ‘gets me’ completely and I have to guard myself but at the same time meet that need some way.  I guess the path to wisdom will become apparent as I walk it.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

This needs simply to be implemented.  I think it is simply time to run with it and see what happens.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 1  Graduated College with BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018.

Bucket List Items Crossed Off: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!