Healing

“Thor: Thunder God” (Asatru – Part 9) – The Pagan Pulpit

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: “Thor’s Thunder” – Nordic Style Folk Music

Meditation:

Image may contain: 1 person, beard, text and outdoor

If there is one change in my life that is true, respect is now earned. I don’t just give it to anyone and I don’t care if you are in authority or power, you have to earn it by your character, not because you demand it.

Text:

See the source image

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon: 

Odin might be king of the gods of Norse mythology, but Thor is definitely the favorite son of Asgard.  Odin was a favorite of rulers and sages, but Thor is the god of the common man and warrior.  He is the bringer of rain and his voice thunders like the thunder he controls.  There is probably no more famous weapon in Norse mythology than Mjolnir his hammer which is considered the most important weapon that will be used in the defense of Asgard.

In mythology, Thor is a red-bearded powerful man who can drink, fight and eat better than anyone.  He often travels with Loki and they have several adventures together.  His cart is pulled by two goats, which can be eaten each night and if all their bones recovered can be resurrected the next day.  He is today and back then the most popular of the Norse deities.

Heathens, followers of Asatru and many others can be seen wearing the hammer of Thor. This hammer to many represents the heathen faith. To the modern heathen, he represents strength, courage, and life as the giver of rain and healing.  He is often invoked in oaths because unlike Odin, only his enemies need to fear him.  Prayers to him are often for rain and strength.

For me, you will find me wearing one of my two thor’s hammers pendants on a chain around my neck every Thor’s Day as a gesture of respect to all heathens and pagans.  I like Thor and his stories are some of the most inspiring and entertaining. He interaciton with Loki very humorous at times.  For those looking for an example of courage in th face of tremendous challenges, look no further than Thor.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, beard, text and outdoor

Never give up.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Behind Enemy Lines” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 11

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Rogue Wizard’s Journal: June 12, 2019

Wow, it has been a while since I have written in this journal.  Mostly because it has been boring as shit. Sure there was an initial buzz after the Red Grove Tree was finally laid to rest in flames, but then the reports became dull.  The fairie folk as predicted stopped fighting so hard for the salient that was trying to fight for the tree.  The wizards for their part advanced into the grove only to find the tree burning in magical fire.  It burned up quickly and a day later there was truly nothing left.

As far as the war went, the fae pulled back to a line they could defend better with fewer casualties.  The wizards saw this and now that there was no strategic objective in the area, they sent many of their forces elsewhere. The line stabilized and then most of the fighting stopped in this area.

Lunette and I moved fully the House Venus Mansion.  Lunette took the room next to mine, but mostly she just slept there.  The rest of the time she was with me talking (yes, talking) or she would turn invisible, shrink down and fly out and do some recon work.  For my part, I visited the Lioness when she was at the mansion or talked with Amber.  I was keeping a very close eye on what was going on and my ‘allies’.  I wasn’t going to be caught again unprepared.

Lunette’s recon trips brought back the information about how the lines had stabilized in the area. I also had committed a high crime in the faerie world, so there was a bounty on my head with them now.  A rather large one.  So I was behind enemy lines no matter where I was now. The search for me had all but disappeared because the mages had larger problems elsewhere.

I have spent the last few months doing one of the following. Reading and studying magical tomes and doing magical research.  Talking with Lunette and Amber about the situation. Finishing up my political science degree.  I received it in late May. Keeping up family appearances by visiting them once a week and calling them.  They call me more than I call them.

Lunette didn’t just do recon trips all the time.  She did set up a small alchemy station in my room. She did her own reading and research.  She seems a little happier now.  That kiss was the start of that but we haven’t done anything but hold hands since. She respects my mourning period for my wife and hasn’t pushed it.  She seems very much interested in building our trust level.

Two days ago would have been my wife and I’s 30th anniversary. May 1st was the end of the six months, but I decided that it might be more appropriate for me to end this period of mourning on our anniversary itself.  So two days ago. I opened a small chest that I have with stuff in it that reminds me of her. A few pictures of us, some jewelry, a negligee she used to wear.  I laid it all out on the table in front of me.  Tears were easy on this one.

I took off my wedding band and laid it in the negligee. I folded it around the band and then placed it back in the chest, I put the pictures and other jewelry on top, and closed the lid. I cast a protection spell on the chest.  Only I or my immediate family could open it now.  I set the chest near my reading chair. I cried myself to sleep that night and when I woke up I felt better.  I felt at peace about the whole thing, my wife finally laid to rest in my heart.

Last night, Lunette was with me and she looked nervous. I asked her what was up and she said she wanted to respect that even though she knew I had laid my wife to rest, at last, she didn’t want to push our relationship.  I asked her what kind of relationship she thought we could have and what kind of relationship did she want with me?

“I think I love you, Edward.  For the first time, my lecherous pixie heart loves someone and I think it is you.”

“Love? I don’t know Lunette, is that even possible for your kind?  Fidelity, particular sexual fidelity doesn’t seem to be your strong suit.”

“Would you demand sexual fidelity out of me?  Do you still hold that morality?”

“Honestly, no.  Fidelity has not much to do with sex if you ask me. It is far more important to be there for someone when they need you.  To be in their corner even when they disappoint you.  That’s real fidelity. Sex is a wonderful experience to be sure, but it is also just sex.  I don’t want to sound like I am diminishing its importance, but fidelity is measured more when the chips are down and you need someone to watch your back, not on where you stick your dick or who you spread your legs too.  I don’t think it is right to say you have some exclusive ownership to someone else’s sexuality, sounds kind of like a miniature form of slavery if you ask me now.”

“You maintained it with your wife, even after death.”

“Yes, but those were the vows I took, so I tried my level best to keep them.  I never slept with any other females but you, Elpis and her.  I loved Miss Salty too, but I never had sex with her although I can’t say the relationship didn’t have sexual elements to it, it certainly did. I came back to my wife so the vows we took were back in force.  That said my dear, you might say I have come, in part, to the more fairy way of thinking about the subject of sex now. I am simply not a one-night stand kind of guy. I have to feel I have a relationship with a woman that is loving for me to make love to her. There is still a spiritual side to it to me, a magical side if you will, and it’s not just a physical humping in the dark thing to me.”

Lunette smiled and nodded.

“Edward, I know I have tricked you a couple times, do you trust me?”

“Hmm.  I don’t know. You are a deceitful little spy these days.  Good at it too.  On what basis could you and I trust one another.  I don’t know what side you are on right now.  Like me, you are wanted by both sides.”

“There are three sides to this one Edward.  There is also the side of peace and coexistence.  Not just between fae and mage, but also with mundanes. ”

“You think the mundanes will be comfortable with creatures walking around that can kill them with a thought or spell or that are from their deepest nightmares?”

“No, not at first, but magic can be awakened in everyone. If that is so then, the idea of mundanes might be gone in time as well.”

She had a point, it was my turn to nod because this had been my working theory since high school.

“But to answer your question I am on the side of the survivors. I want you and me to survive.  But if you need more proof of my loyalty to you: I swear by the memory of my mother and father and the Red Tree Grove, that I will guard and protect you Edward and I will be a supporter of you through all of your remaining life – My troth upon it.”

I sat in silence for a minute or two.

“Hmm, sounds like an oath.  I guess I will say the same to you as it is only fair. My troth upon it.”

We sat and talked for a little while longer. Basically making sure we were on the same page and then both of us turned in for bed.  Well, I thought that is what Lunette was doing. I was down to my underwear when a knock came at the door.

“Edward, it’s me again”

I threw my t-shirt back on and told her to come in. She was wearing a purple robe that was tied and went down to her mid-thigh.

“Edward isn’t it customary to seal oaths in some way?”

“Yes.”

Lunette pulled her robe back and let it fall to the floor, revealing her naked body.

“Once, a long time ago, I offered myself to you like this.  You turned me down and told me to go home.  I thought afterward that you were a strong man to do such a thing. Now, I offer myself to you again.  Not as a star-struck teenage girl, but as a woman. A woman in love with you. A woman who wants to give her strength to you, and receive it in return.”

I stood dumb for a second.  I remembered what she was talking about.  I wasn’t ready for sex at the time so I turned her down.  But now…

“Lunette, we were lovers once.  It was about healing back then and lust, to be honest. But now, if you truly love me.  Do what your heart says for you to do. I will do the same.”

This morning I have awoken to find myself lying next to a beautiful faerie woman.  I can see her naked form laying sideways on the bed as she sleeps from my desk.  Her wings are behind her and folded so I can’t see them.  She is a vision of beauty and glowing in her own way. I feel the love I had for her once awakening in me again. Dormant but never gone. That’s just the way I am.

I don’t know what the future will bring,  But, I know that Lunette will be back to back with me in the end.  I can only hope we will remain survivors.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Taking A Few Deep Breaths” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

These last two weeks have been interesting and challenging. I was in the doctor’s office on Thursday and as always a little anxious. I was there for my routine checkup and consultation. But as I waited I did some thinking.  I have had the following experiences this last couple of weeks.

  1. I have had more denials from potential employers in the last ten days than in a couple months previously.  It’s like all the applications I filed came back with nulls.
  2. At my current employer, I was passed over for a job and it was given to someone with no experience whatsoever.
  3. I have had another bout with The Grey and while it was not severe. The cause was known, however.
  4. I have had a doctor’s appointment and while a lot of the news was good, there was some news that reminded me I am getting older.   And that sucks by the way.
  5. The End of August marks one year that my wife and I have been back together after our separation last summer and that has lead to some very reflective moments about my marriage.

This post is about taking a few deep breaths and looking at each of these a little reflectively and spiritually.

Deep Breath. 

I guess I have to say the whole job situation has caused me to look at the basic fact that I have not really discovered what my new identity is. It is in-process both practically and spiritually and so there is that.  Mostly though the practical concerns will start to become forefront issues in the next couple of months I don’t find something better. For now, though my meditations center on who am I?

Deep Breath.

The decision at work at first angered me and then I just felt disrespected. It was like really, could have slapped all of us from the department any harder, especially those of us that work hard over here and have management experience?  Then I took a breath, realized that this is not my place, I am in my heart looking to move on to something better, so I might as well get about it.

Deep Breath.

My bought with The Grey recently was brought about by a song played on the radio at work. It was my song to Miss Salty and it triggered the whole mess of feelings involved in that.  One thing they never seem to mention about being empathic is that emotions experienced in certain situations stay and lay dormant until something triggers them and then there you are all over again. Which triggers a whole lot of meditation on the problem.  My most recent meditations have led me to a question: What exactly is The Grey?

Depression?  It involves depression but there is that switch that goes off to protect me from the sadness so I feel nothing. In that state, am I depressed or something else entirely?  I think I might have had an introspective moment because of this that might lead to an awakening.   I hope so.

Deep Breath.

I took a lot of those deep breaths before I met my new doctor. I just passed 50 so the protocol becomes: ‘You need this test done, you need to start this medication as a diabetic.’  I am like – what is this malevolent magic that took place where all this was unnecessary at age 49 and 364 days but one day later, a whole list of evil fairies have comes and makes you vulnerable to a whole new crops of shit. I hope my new doctor is a good salesman and explains things well, because if you don’t sell me – Yeah, fuck that shit.

The problem is that all my health indicators indicate I am healthier than I was last year, but somehow my medicines need to be increased and new treatments engaged for possible problems down the road. I hate American medicine, they either engage in damage control after the fact or their definition of preventative medicine is purely put more pills in your body. Not my thoughts on how to approach my health.

Deep Breath.

I don’t take too much for granted when it regards my marriage.  Our reconciliation is in truth a work in progress. I simply acknowledge here that It still might not work, something I started when we first decided to go down this path to my family and something I remind myself of right now. I want it very much to work, don’t get me wrong. But I also acknowledge the struggle in my heart between how much do I have to give up as far as my personal happiness to stay married? I shouldn’t be looking at it that way should I, but I am, and that is very troubling to me.

  1. My wife and I have very different values now.  That is basically because I ‘fuck it’ to my former faith and she has not.  What is important to me is very different than what is important to her.  And it is growing more divided.
  2. Our goals are very different and trying to find common ground either involves a lot of compromises or straight up, from my perspective, me giving up a lot of my goals entirely.  I am growing weary of having to give up what I desire simply to make my family and friends happy, and that is exactly the state of mind I was in that caused me to walk away a year ago. Not good.
  3. I now know what aspects of a relationship with a woman I am missing and still desire. It creates a longing in my heart that I cannot seem to shake.

Deep Breath.

I think it is time to look within.  Discover who I am again and out of that might flow a lot of answers.  It is time to awaken and to take that first breath of who I am now.  It is time to find that person and become them.

Deep Breath.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Funeral Pyre” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 10

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Rogue Wizard’s Journal: January 25th, 2019 (cont.)

Of course, I hesitated for a moment, magical flames licking the edge of my fingers.  The Grove had been my childhood place of growing up in my magical powers.  It has been the place where my love and lover Elpis had been.  Where we talked, laughed and loved.  She had in many ways turned me into a man. Now, I was about to destroy the only thing left that represented any kind of anchor to the past.  The last physical remnant to my magical childhood.

It hadn’t all been good.  I suddenly realized I was standing the very place where Elpis had pronounced judgment on Lunette and removed, very forcibly, her wings.  That whole thing led to Lunette and I having healing sex to cure me of magical disease, but the magic released also restored Lunette’s wings to the current state they were in.  It was one of the most intense physical and magical moments of my life. It happened in the grove, but I was fairly sure, that Lunette’s parents’ home was gone.  This twisted trunk was all that was left. An old throne, scars and a place of love turned to a dead coldness.  How symbolic of my relationship to Elpis.

I glanced over to Lunette, our eyes met and she nodded.  Then she looked away. I turned my attention back to the tree.  My thoughts were racing and then I remembered the day Elpis cast me out of the Grove for good, my wife’s death and the breakup I had with Miss Salty. Anger welled up in me. Fire.  The Fire of Fury.

“Amber.  Now!!!”

Flames burst from my fingertips.  Red and orange.  As they touched the tree, I could see it illuminated from the other side by Amber’s flames.   The flames from both sides burst quickly up the trunk.  After a few minutes, I stopped casting my spell. It was no longer necessary as the tree’s magic was now providing the fuel for the fire. Soon the whole trunk was a burning beacon. The heat became quite intense. Elpis never allowed fire in the grove, and now I could see why in full glory.  I didn’t have to tell Amber to stop as the heat required me and Lunette to back up some distance away and Amber joined us. We watched it burn.

“Well, the fae can stop spending so many lives to protect this place now from the hands of the wizards.”

Lunette’s voice was cracked, coming in gasps through her sobs.   I said nothing.  The tears were rolling down my face like rivers.  We watched as the flames began to consume the trunk.  Soon the whole thing was in flames and burning brightly.  The magic of the tree being consumed by our magical fire.

Amber seemed a little distraught herself.

“Ed, this whole place is going to become very active, very soon with either fae or wizards. It’s not going to be safe for much longer.”

“Amber, we have a little time.  This is a funeral pyre and it would be disrespectful to leave too early.”

Amber nodded and walked a little ways away from us, and I felt Lunette’s hand in mine. She grasped it with some desperate strength.

“What do you think really happened to Elpis, Edward?”

“She lost her fight with her inner demons.  She came to hate who she was and then did what she had to end that part of her life. Suicide.  But as an immortal, she couldn’t do that as a dryad.  She had to become human.  So she did, in a way.  Her ghost will either slowly dissipate over time, or if her unfinished business is resolved, she will fade forever. She is still out there, I think, but there is no going back to where she was now, ever.”

“Well, the fae can stop fighting for this bulge in the line now.  They can pull back.”

“That’s bad news for me.  I am going to have to start living at the Mansion full time.”

“That has it’s own dangers”

“Tell me about it, but I am hoping to enact the plan soon. I need to disappear for my family’s sake.”

“Or die.  I am not trying to be shocking, Edward.  Because that would end the feud and then the Council would not give two shits about your family.”

“You didn’t shock me, dear.  I know that would solve the issue too.  Death will come for me in her own good time. I will embrace her as if I was laying down in bed with a beautiful woman.  I just see no need to do it myself with so many enemies.  One of them is probably going to get me.  I just hope I am in a position to return the favor.”

Lunette moved in and I put my arm around her waist as she leaned against me.  We watched the flames for a little longer. Amber broke our reflective moment.

“Edward, I sense that this is attracting attention.  From both sides.  Scouts will be here soon and we need not to be.”

“You’re right, just give us one more moment.”

I turned to face Lunette and she me.  My arms went instinctively around her waist, and she put hers around my neck. I kissed her. I felt my magic get supercharged and she probably had the equivalent to a micro-orgasm, but we both needed to feel better and so a kiss was needed. I pulled back after a little bit.

“We need to go Lunette, there is going to be nothing left anyway.”

With that, Lunette, Amber and I headed back to the Mansion. The last remnants of the Red Tree Grove burning behind us.

Author’s Notes: Before this week, I hadn’t touched this chapter since May 27th, 2019.  I think the whole Grey Storm thing just made it too difficult to write. I was also wrestling with how to do this.  In the end, this chapter is simply a funeral for a character made as a labor of love and because of that love causes me pain now personally and as a writer.  Elpis needs to be gone as much as possible, but she had to go with my own writer’s hand.

As I mentioned before this saga as a whole is probably going to come to an end very soon. The whole thing with the ‘death’ of the main character.  I am putting ‘death’ in quotes because I want to still leave some air of mystery to this. You have to read the rest to know the true end of the Rogue Wizard.

Emotionally it’s hard for me to let go.  I loved every moment of writing the Hedge Wizard of Redberg and Rogue Wizard is basically the endgame of that. It means letting go for good and moving on and I have a hard time with that when it comes to writing. But closure in this whole Miss Salty/Elpis relationship is going to come slowly I think for me, but I also think I can make it come a little sooner by closing this whole thing out and ending it.  It will give me fewer memory triggers if I do, but I have to trigger some memories to get there.  

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Finding a New Muse – Blog Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know, right.  It’s a Rabyd Skald Post that isn’t The Grey and The Wayfarer and thus isn’t my soul bleeding all over the place. I had to write the most recent series, emotional baggage and all of it; but it has been an emotional roller coaster, and quite frankly I need to move on and this is me taking the first steps in that. Whenever I have turned a new corner, I have turned to writing to help me guide me on the path, and this time will be no exception.  This post is a discussion of an issue and some notes on the future of this blog and what you can expect to see.

The issue is the loss of my muse and the search for a new one.  I have had several muses over the years. All of them female. The first one was my first love. The second was a love for writing that I developed with my first blogs.  I kind of imagined her as a loving teacher standing over my shoulder. More recently I imagined her as one of my friends who argued with my internal editor a lot. My last one was Miss Salty and as you know she is now more of a ghost that haunts me rather than a muse these days. My wife has never acted as a muse for me because that is not the nature of our relationship. She inspires a lot of virtues in me, but not creativity. So I search for a new one.

This may actually be my first attempt at looking at spirituality from a pagan point of view to find a new muse. To find some inspiration in a spiritual idea to form into a lovely woman who will inspire me.  Why female? Because when all else has failed, when I think of the women who have inspired me over the years as a man, they all have that one quality that inspires my creativity – femininity itself.  The problem is all of them have had the weakness of being more of stay at home women who were never warriors and I think that is part of the issue. My muse needs to be a combination of a strong female warrior and a passionate creative lover. Freya personified but not Freya.  A shieldmaiden but also a skald in her own right. Femininity personified but Viking femininity.

See the source image

I think the first steps to this will be to make this blog take the Viking and Norse mythology theme it has more complete. One of the things I can do right away is the greeting is for each post.  You know, ‘Happy Saturn’s Day’ – except Saturn is a Roman god and actually presents the only real problem in this change. Sun’s Day becomes Sol’s Day and Moon’s Day becomes Mani’s Day.  But who to pick for Saturn’s replacement?  Well, let’s see. 1) all of these are Norse gods or goddesses. There are four Norse gods represented: Mani, Tyr, Odin, and Thor, each with their own day. There are three goddesses represented: Sol, Frigg, and Freya with Frigg and Freya sharing a day.  So I think it should be a goddess with her own day to balance things out.  But who to chose?  I guess I would accept suggestions, so let me know in the comments.  But in any case, I will make a decision by next week.

See the source image

Speaking of comments, I am going to do something brave.  I have decided to open up the comments to where if you are approved once then you don’t have to be approved again.  I am going to still monitor this closely because of past problems, but I think most of the people ho write comments can be trusted. Starting Sol’s Day you will be able to do this.  Don’t abuse the privilege, be kind to one another.

The other thing is the post-rotation and the one thing this last mini-series has taught me is that I could do the journal Posts every other week.  Thus I could open up every other week to write on other things. To do other series either fiction or non-fiction which does represent my style a little bit from All Things Rabyd.  In addition, Weekends have always been a bugaboo of what to do but a rotation where I post stuff on Saturday and the extra slot on Sol’s Day would be nice places for creative writing.

Ultimately, what I want is more flexibility in my weekly agenda, but at the same time some solid rotation that keeps me writing on different subjects and in different forms.  I will drop another The Rabyd Skald once I have made some final decisions.

I am looking at this as moving on. I need to move this blog from dealing with the past so much and talk more about my journey through life. My Pilgrimage. I hope some changes will help me do that.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“Naked Before Who?” – Odin’s Eye – The Grey Wayfarer’s Spiritual Side

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.    

Discussion:

On May 17, 2013, I wrote this post: Naked Before God – Part 1 – The Positive Spiritual Side of Nakedness.  It was the first post in a series of posts called Naked Before God.  At the time, I was trying to reconcile some findings I had found in my biblical study of nakedness and current Christian practice and its perception of nudity. At the end of that post, I reflected on six positive spiritual aspects of nudity.  Vulnerability, Openness, Intimacy, Genuineness, Wholeness, and Equality.

Those qualities are very spiritual when you think about them as they go to the core of who we are and how we perceive ourselves in relationship to others and the world.  Of course, the problem with this series of posts now; for me personally, is what do I mean about the word ‘God’?

I personally still find being an at-home nudist beneficial.  I am actually quite private about it with no real exhibitionist tendencies being introverted as I am.  That said, I am as comfortable in my own skin as I am in clothes.  Actually sometimes more comfortable because of the spiritual qualities I outlined so long ago still remain true despite my change in faith/religion/spirituality. My issue is redefining how this means to me spiritually.  The change is not the spiritual qualities of nudity so much as the notion that the Christian god is the one I am naked before is no longer true to me.

I suppose this is going to take some time and meditation to redefine, but the problem seems to be that some of these spiritual qualities are dependent on there being some divine force to be naked in front of in the first place. There is also the issue of whether such a divine force gives as shit cares about it.  Yet, I feel at these times that I have spiritual peace or at least a better possibility of spiritual peace than at others.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Faith:

I know it sounds strange, but I feel that my faith in myself grows in my times of spiritual meditation and part of that is connected to the fact I meditate in the nude. All the spiritual qualities combine at the time. I am open to the universe around me and vulnerable to it. I can see myself for who I truly am (genuineness) – equal to every other man and woman.  There is a non-sexual feeling of intimacy with myself and the world I don’t experience otherwise. I am the whole and true me and me alone.  This faith or whatever you want to call it has lead to a lot of inner healing for me. To those of you out there who practice ‘magic’, is this magic?

Religion:

Of course, I have to from time to time shuck off the shackles of my former religion which trains people to be ashamed of being naked.  I now believe this is what leads to a lot of body image problems and poor self-image problems for people. There was a fear developed in me from an early age by my past religion that if I was naked I should be ashamed of it, my body and being naked automatically lead to sexual sinful thoughts. None of this is objectively true, but if you are going to dominate and manipulate a person, engaging in shaming people for who they are in truth is a good start.  Nudity and sex are great targets for this.  I don’t buy any of it anymore but the indoctrination still has a few things that cause irrational fear that I have to throw off.

Theology:

It is interesting that in pagan theology, there seem to be a lot less moral codes about nakedness.  If anything, there is at worst neutrality about the subject, or at best blatant positivity about its benefits.  The naked pagan walking in the woods is probably a common and an accepted image.  We are human and come into this world naked.  It is our most natural state and foundational spiritual state, and so it is considered beneficial by most.  Whatever power that be that made/evolved us, doesn’t seem to mind our nakedness, so why should we.

Spirituality:

If there is a spiritual challenge to nudity for me now it is twofold. 1) The dumping of artificial man-made social mores that no longer apply to me.  2) Coming to terms with the fact there is a call in my heart to more social nudism.  The first I find it easier every day I spend in the buff doing normal and everyday things. The second is the simple fact that much of the spiritual qualities I have outlined that nudity possesses are incomplete without others to experience them with you. It is a value shift for me that is probably been long in coming, considering how long I have been addressing the subject of spiritual nudity. It isn’t a question of spiritual negativity anymore for me, but a practical question.

Conclusion:

The main question of this post still remains as to who I am naked in front of anymore. If not god, then who.? Do such powers even care? Mostly I think I am naked with myself and coming to terms with the fact that I am very comfortable with it and becoming more so every day. It is a part of my daily at-home activities particularly when I am alone. Only time will tell if I gain a more spiritual understanding of myself and the people and world around me as a result.  There is a part of my journey that now involves walking this path.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Fantasy Hedge Nuptials” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

I doubt anyone but a very few who have followed me for a long time would understand the meaning of both the image and the title of this post. Only one person, that I know of, knows the full meaning of what I am writing about and the songs I am about to select.  Only one person knows why this is the day I choose to post them. Whether or not she even reads me anymore, I have no fucking clue.  But if she does, here are my thoughts on a day that was supposed to be something but turned into nothing.

What I do know is that I have been either calm because I have been busy, but every time I have too much time to think about things, this comes up and the combination of sadness and rage begins. I handle it, of course, like I always do, but it means shutting down to the cold side. That is not the side I like very much.  My other alternative is music. The problem is the songs I find in my memory or that I think revolve around this non-existent event that was supposed to be today.  Only one-way then left to deal with it – write about it and get it out of my system.

Disclaimer: This is a raw one, so be advised.  Although I might just post the songs and leave it at that.  You know that is probably the best idea:  Just a playlist this week.  Make your own meaning out of it. Me – I am just trying to sing my way through The Grey.  The one thing I will say is not every word of every song applies to how I feel about this whole thing, but there is some line in every song that does.

Playlist:

400LUX – Lorde:

All of Me – John Legend:

Familiar Taste of Poison – Halestorm:

Just Give Me a Reason – Pink:

Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye:

Bonus Tracks:

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga:

Incomplete – Back Street Boys:

A toast then, to the fantasy hedge nuptials that never came to be.  Too bad, because at least the music and poetry would have been epic.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Different Values” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 15

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Tyr’s Day:

Yeah, I know.  It’s another week without “Of Wolves and Ravens”.  I need to get back to it for my own sake but right now the Grey is a ‘normal’ thing.  I knew July, in particular, would be difficult because of all that happened during this month last year and the reason is the memories are not necessarily bad ones.  It’s kind of like reading a story that has a lot of good things in it and happy times but you know a tragedy is going to hit at the end. Like following your favorite character in a story only to have them die suddenly.  It is that kind of emotion when you look at the story arc in retrospect.

The difference, of course, is the story is mine and I am the character so it is all too real and personal.

Another thing is I keep running into people from my past life as a pastor.  People I haven’t, in some cases, seen in over a year keep finding their way into my life. I play it cool but inside I would rather be far away. That journey is over and I want to leave the pain of it behind along with the people in the story as well.  They turned out to be characters that are not dynamic at all, just who reveal their true nature when someone doesn’t measure up to their expectations.

Of course, this leads to my real problem which is coming to terms in all aspects of my life with a different set of values I now possess.  What is important to me has changed and not in small ways but large ones. A loss of faith and a reevaluation of life will do that to you.  The questions that trouble my mind are ones that would make the writers of Babylon 5 proud: Who are you?  What do you want? Why are you here?

My oldest son recently observed I seem to be searching for something.  Something I haven’t found yet.  The young man has good insight.  I don’t call myself the Grey Wayfarer because it is just a fun persona. It is in many ways the philosophy of my life and one identity that seems to fit me with the expression as the motto of my life: “Not all who wander are lost”. It seems that my values involve a lot of searching and becoming something, but the one thing they do not involve is stagnancy or being unchanging.  For me change, and the chaos and joys that go with it, is becoming more of a desire than a fear.

The Grey is the thing that causes me to be stagnant at times, unchanging and that is the devil of it. The demon I understand.  It is why it is so important to force myself to change when I am depressed.  To keep doing something and keep walking through it is my therapy.

Perhaps that is why I write every single day.  Writing is a lot of things but I would never describe it as stagnant.  It is flowing and changing constantly. The creative process is like that. It is when I can’t write that I worry about me.

The point is also that the Nine Noble Virtues call one to improve and get better.  You can’t be a follower of the Nine without changing.  Every single one of them calls for change and so change is an essential part of my foundational philosophy.  The problem may be that some people in my life are too attached to where we are relationally, and to be in a relationship with me requires you to walk with me from time to time, and where I am is never the same.

I am sure there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer post very soon.  Hopefully, it won’t fall on Tyr’s Day again.  But this week was some good insight into what makes me keep going because, as I will probably write next time, there are a lot of forces trying to compel me to quit and give up. The Grey is strong, but my desire for change is stronger so I keep walking and seeking what I am looking for.  I will know when I find it what it was.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Uncharted Territory” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 14

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

‘

Happy Tyr’s Day

This week hasn’t been too bad as far as The Grey.  The most specific thing I have to watch is my relationships because I may be negatively affecting them without intending to do so. I have never had a problem focusing on work or going to work with the Grey.  It just makes some of my relationship issues more difficult.  In fact, work is often a welcome thing as it helps me move along through it.

Right now I have an itch I need to scratch and it involves boarding the ship and sailing somewhere else and starting over.  Finding out what is over the horizon line is a big thing in my heart right now.  What is the uncharted territory for me personally?

To be honest part of this is the excitement of starting over but a good part of it is the hatred I am starting to develop for where I am now. I hate not being able to trust anyone. Being reminded at every turn what I used to be and what I did is not a comfortable situation for me. I am no longer the cowering lamb but rather a raging wolf and I need to find a new pack and take the lead.

See the source image

There are some problems with just picking up and leaving.

  1. Family – kids and grandkids are nearby right now but we wouldn’t be the first family separated by a distance that made it work and technology is such that we can keep very much in touch.
  2. My wife – I would be pulling her from her support system.  The rest is between me and her.  It is, however, the concern of mine I have the most.
  3. Fear – yeah, tired of being afraid and not trying something new.  Playing it safe has gotten me nowhere so far.

There are those advantages of starting over:

  1. The chances I would run into someone I really would rather not run into diminishes significantly.
  2. The opportunities become much greater and multifaceted. I can follow my heart.
  3. Courage – Yeah, one of my virtues actually acted upon. Yeah, that works.
  4. Where I want to go ha a warmer climate and a lot more people.  That second part might seem like a downside to an introvert, but it means I can probably find a new crop of friends easier. The first part means more sunshine and that helps with The Grey.
  5. O need a major change or I am going to have a repr=eat performance of last year. I don’t want that, so time to move on.  Time to hit the uncharted territory and get on with my life.

What remains is figuring out how to do it. That, however, is just the details and the packing list for the hold so to speak. What matters to me is the vision I have of being in the bow of the ship, sword in hand and ready for something else to conquer.

This will be the only post today.  I have other things to attend to today and I need some time to work ahead anyway.  But noted more things are coming, especially if I feel better from all this Grey because I am moving.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Deadly Grey Storm” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 13

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Hmm.  Lucky 13?

I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one.  I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further.  My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has.  I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty.  I really lie to myself when it’s private.

I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days.  A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche.  It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.

The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again?  Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?

There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this?  Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again?  A real pain in my soul.  Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things.  ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.

The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too.  The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me?  Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad.  Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable.  Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.

Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again.  My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them.  So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected.  Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?

Religion was no help before and it still isn’t.  Worthless is my old faith.  No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore.  I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.

Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:

  1. Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others.  One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself.  It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
  2. Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship.  The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult.  But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
  3. Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
  4. Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself.  Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away.  It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
  5. Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why.  What is the point?
  6. Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?

Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.

The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it.  I know something will take me out in the end.  I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain.  Not today bitch.

It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate.  Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.

If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer.  I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that.  I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so.  Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there.  My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.

Well time to end this for now.  I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!