Happy Saturn’s Day
Hmm. Lucky 13?
I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one. I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further. My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has. I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty. I really lie to myself when it’s private.
I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days. A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche. It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.
The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again? Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?
There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this? Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again? A real pain in my soul. Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things. ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.
The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too. The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me? Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad. Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable. Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.
Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again. My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them. So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected. Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?
Religion was no help before and it still isn’t. Worthless is my old faith. No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore. I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.
Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:
- Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others. One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself. It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
- Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship. The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult. But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
- Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
- Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself. Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away. It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
- Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why. What is the point?
- Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?
Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.
The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it. I know something will take me out in the end. I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain. Not today bitch.
It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate. Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.
If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer. I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that. I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so. Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there. My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.
Well time to end this for now. I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.