Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day
If you have been reading this last week an a half, you are very well aware that I am in the midst of what I what I would call a Grey Storm. That is depression is overshadowing my life with dark clouds and a little rain. Mostly I just have been having a lot of problems feeling anything at all as I go through my day.
I mentioned that I felt this was triggered in my journal posts by some memories which were triggered in part by the time of year and by a dream. The time of year is significant because last year at this time my organist at the church died. He was a good friend and the last of my musicians with any real talent that I started with nine and half years previously. Everyone I had started with in that regard was gone and I dubbed this time as the day the music died. End of an era really for the church which really was completely true once I left.
I was really hurting and the only one who was listening to me at the time was a young woman who I ended up having an affair with. I am not proud of this; and there are no good excuses for it, but there were reasons. The starting point though was my organists death and reaching out at the time in friendship to her and her to me at this time last year.
The other trigger was a dream I had last Tuesday (Feb. 5th). It was very vivid and real in its feeling. I was walking down a downtown street. I had to find a bathroom and ducked into a restaurant. I found the bathroom and went in a started to do my business. While there heard someone enter the room. They stopped behind me. They stood there and I could feel their presence but they didn’t move. It was actually unnerving. I finished and then turned around only to find it was the man from the church who I had considered a friend for well over nine years standing there. Now, I know he was no friend at all, and I would consider him a backstabbing liar and thief. He was smiling at me but it was a wicked smile. He shook his head at me like a person who has judged you and has nothing but contempt. I snorted and walked out. My general approach to any memory of this man is to basically say “Fuck you asshole” and try to push it from my mind.
As I was trying to leave the restaurant, there she was – the young lady in question sitting at the table by the door facing me. She too was smiling. Not in a judgmental way, just that same smile she always had when she saw me. I couldn’t get out without going right next to her, and I couldn’t go back with the man behind me, so I went forward and sat down at the table to her left. Yes, the dream was so vivid I can remember details like this. She looked at me and the smile faded from her face as I sat down. I tried to speak but discovered I couldn’t. She smiled again and then sang a song. The weird thing is, I can’t remember what it was. I can remember everything else in great detail but the song and then she laughed. I got up and ran out. I could feel both of them following me and then my alarm for work went off. I was extremely thankful to be getting out of bed that morning, but the dream shook me.
Since then, I have been walking a Grey Storm. Normally dreams fade from my mind until in a week I can’t remember them, but not this one. It was so vivid and real, I just can’t shake it. I find that the only thing that helps is thinking about other memories that are more pleasant. Replacing memories with memories.
Today is February 15th. That probably has the significance to many of you as the day after Valentine’s Day. To me it has a little more meaning as 30 years ago this is the day I proposed to my wife. I had chickened out the night before. But then I knew that I wanted her in my life forever and I took a brave pill. I asked her the next day in the front seat of my old 1979 LTD. The rest is history. It was a great day for me. One right now that I hold close to my mind, so I can’t see or feel the others that are not so good.
Only time will tell if this technique of using good memories of the long past will help with the memories of the recent past. I am also hoping new memories of the future will help as well. I need some wins and some success. I just hate times like this where everything is in autopilot and I am just walking without feeling. My heart and soul going into shutdown mode and staying numb, so I don’t feel pain. At least for now, the good memories of the past pull me out of the numb for a bit.
I suspect there will be more The Grey and The Wayfarer posts. They will probably increase in frequency from now until the end of summer. Mostly, I hope to remember some good things to keep out the bad, but I know me. This is going to be a love/hate year when it comes to memories. and so The Grey will be ever present, like it or not.
Walking the Grey,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.