Wisdom

“Religion, Sex, and Deconversion” – Freya’s Chambers – Sex

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

When I was a person of faith and religion, sex was an uncomfortable topic for me and those around me.  Mostly because there is this whole notion of sin that is injected into the picture. Plus there was a lot of shame associated with being found to have a sexual attitude that differed from the acceptable norm.  Certainly, my sexual education really didn’t have a chance to get anything factual unless it was by accident. Being the rebel I have always been when it comes to social mores, I found myself at odd on the subject of sex and nudity in the Christian context more than once. The real issue for Christians is keeping the desire for sex inside their so-called god-given boundaries. That being one man, one woman in marriage for life. This avoids the deadly sin of Lust.

When I realized that the whole sin thing was made up, this caused me to change my attitudes about sexuality quite a bit.  Mostly things get really basic as I think that the whole ideas of faith and religion actually complicate the matter of sex quite a bit. In religion, everyone argues nuances to see how far they can push their own sexual proclivities. The discussion, if it is had at all, is one of arguing small details of ‘how far is too far’.  I mean it really comes down to looking at each sexual issue and asking does the Bible or the religion allow it?  In my own faith, the issues of masturbation and whether in marriage oral sex, anal sex and BDSM were allowed. The one thing for sure was no one is allowed to think for themselves on the subject.

See the source image

This leads to all kinds of secret behavior that in many ways is far more erotic, unsafe and in many ways weirder than outside the church when it comes to sex. The most common being that religious teens are often told little about birth control if at all, but sooner or later the young couple gets alone and things happen. Unwanted teenage pregnancies anyone?  Not to mention that while abortions are opposed by Christians, the people who actually get them the most, probably because of the unwanted pregnancies, are Christians.

See the source image

If only birth control were taught in a proper manner, then fewer of these abortions would take place.  But that is the kind of logic that religion causes you to not even consider.  Sex before marriage is a sin and so is abortion.  You don’t need birth control because its a sin to have sex before your married and you will thus never need an abortion.  If only human behavior conformed so nicely into such black and white terms.

See the source image

This, of course, leads to the hypocrisy of the public maintenance of certain standards while at the same time privately not even at times being remotely close to those standards.  Divorce, infidelity, and abortion are higher among the religious than the irreligious and I understand now why.  There is an incredible power to guilt to keep control but at the same time, such guilt produces curiosity.

See the source image

I experienced this over and over myself as people would tell me such and such behavior was harmful and then I would start thinking about the behavior and why it was harmful.  Sooner or later I would engage the behavior and then discover it wasn’t that harmful – let’s just say if masturbation makes you blind, I should have been sightless a long time ago. If there is some physical malady that arises from watching or looking at porn, yeah, I would have that too.  So far all I could say was I developed a lot of guilt for nothing.

See the source image

Since deconverting, I have no hell to worry about, no wrath of a god that doesn’t exist.  The guilt aspect has diminished quite a bit.  Sex has become a part of life, nothing more or less.  Much more rationally approached.  I enjoy making love to my wife; we have a good time.  but, I don’t get guilty about it when I find myself sexually attracted to other females though – it’s normal.  What I do consider is consent, safety, and maturity which includes societal consequences.  In the case of my wife – fidelity as a virtue is actually much more important than it was as a believer.  Because I don’t assume it anymore and look at it as something to strengthen and improve because that is what you do with virtues.

See the source image

I personally am much more open to a polyamorous relationship, but my wife is not, so I honor that and respect it as long as we continue to choose to be together.  Because all those vows made before God, don’t mean shit to me anymore.  My religion was discarded a long time ago and with it the attitudes it has concerning sex and marriage.   What matters is fidelity and honor. For those, I stay true but rationally realistic about my own sexual desires.  I see religion colors the lenses so badly, it leads to more trouble than it is worth.

My Two Cents,

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Aristotle’s First Principles” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Western Philosophy

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Discussion:

In recent days, I have discovered that I enjoy all forms of ideas from philosophy.  I enjoy considering them anyway.  Western philosophy has more influence on people’s mindsets in the west than people know.  I recently came across Aristotle’s first principles in a YouTube Video I was looking at which I will provide below.

The idea of being able to categorize and break things down into basic or first principles is something I can definitely resonate with. I do this all the time with this blog’s journal posts where individual virtues are the First principles for me but then categorize them in Virtues relating to Love. Justice and Wisdom as well as Foundational, Business, and Self. This idea of breaking things down in their basic components was first introduced by Aristotle.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

Taking this idea to the subject of needs this allows one to break down one’s needs into the most basic components – food clothing, and shelter could be said to be the first principles of needs. But also you could say social contact, security, and standing.  Well-being is the main category of need, but it can definitely be broken down further and further.

Wants (Freki):

I think the basic thing in the area of want would be that if you want something the simple act of breaking things down step by step is what Aristotle brings to the table. No person who has a goal that requires effort has not done this. I think for me this is the essence of First principles not only in analyzing the world around me but also achieving that which I want to achieve often requires this ‘breaking things down’ into smaller bites to get them done.

Reason (Huginn):

I find Aristotle’s approach to be very reasonable because it isn’t purely mental gymnastics but also considers relationships and emotions.  It involves these things because they exist. It isn’t black and white thinking but more of a type of thinking that allows one to categorize the nuances of life to better understand them.

Wisdom (Muninn):

I find this also leads to wisdom – that things once understood can be wisely engaged.

Conclusion:

This has been a couple weeks of thinking about this part of Western philosophy that I definitely engage and use but now understand better both why I do and what value it has. It is something to note.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Grounded in the Present” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

There is a legend that has some ring of truth that at the battle of Stamford Bridge a single large Viking with a greatsword or ax held off the Saxons for a couple hours on the bridge until someone underneath the bridge stabbed him in the groin and brought him down.  Such a man died for his kin and had little concern for the past and the only view of the future he had was the possibility that his sacrifice would save his fellow Vikings lives as they retreated across the river.

As much as I wasn’t to learn from the lessons of the past and look to the future, the issue is always the present moment as to whether I am acting in a manner that reflects both. There is no guarantee of anything future and the past is irrelevant.  What can be changed is that brief fleeting present moment.  Moment by moment, change by change one develops one’s life. This is why the self virtues of discipline, perseverance, and fidelity. Virtues that are used every present moment.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

I think if there was any mistake in the goal here it is was to be too specific about the technique of the Paleo Diet.  The real goal was to lose fat and gain muscle through diet and nutrition and for the most part what I do is actually a combination of Paleo and Keto which really works for me although for next year I want to take it to the next level.  it is said abs are made in the kitchen and I want to put that to the test. How lean can I get?

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

This goal will be a slam dunk come March.  The question is what to do next year.  other than do it again which seems lame. I need a goal to be training for – bodybuilding? powerlifting?  I don’t know.  I like to be healthy and not take training risks that could lead to injury. More thought required here.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Some sort of family and freinds goal I think.  I don’t know.  I want to do something for my children as a way of showing my appreciation to them all. more thought again but, I think that this is a good direction.

It should be noted that the first part of my bucket list goal of discovering all the countries of my origins genetically is already coming along pretty well. So far I have cities to visit in Bavaria, The Netherlands, England, and Ireland (yep, I can drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day).  But there are still parts where the legal documents so far are not enough so I am still awaiting the results of my genetics test to fill in after the legal trail dead ends.  But it has been a wonderful journey.  No Scandanavian yet. if there is at least 3% Valhalla awaits.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

The wisdom of the present moment is something I walk with each day.  Plans and goals are great and all but it is the perseverance of discipline that allows one to make progress each day and one’s relationships that allow one to be strong fora reason.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

Short but good.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 6

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.
  6. Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Slaying God” – Odin’s Eye

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day.    

Discussion:

I love the sentiment of killing gods when it comes to Star Trek’s Lt. Worf and the Klingons, in general. ‘They were more trouble than they were worth.” is one of the best lines in the whole thing. The idea of killing gods seems far fetched until you realize that the battle isn’t against all-powerful beings of various types or a single omnipotent one, but rather these gods only exist in our minds.  It is simply the process of getting rid of those imaginary beings from the way we think and views the universe.

I am still going through this process.  We tend to use the divine to fill the gaps in our knowledge.  As an atheist will tell you though those gaps are getting smaller and smaller. It is also a famous fallacy of logic to say ‘if I don’t know or understand something, therefore god.”

The god of the gaps fallacy is well documented as just because there isn’t an answer yet or something seems mysterious, that doesn’t mean the explanation fo ‘god or gods’ doesn’t have to prove itself as well. God as an explanation for anything still should be subjected to the same scrutiny as everything else that offers up a solution and not just automatically given a nod simply because it seems at the time to offer the only explanation.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Meditation:

My own mind is still dominated at times by theistic thinking.  I find that this is the longest part of the deconversion process, coming to terms with the fact that I cannot assume god after so long assuming his existence.  It begins to permeate your life how many times the ‘god of the gaps’ fallacy is employed to provide a form of lazy answers and lazy morality.  My current state requires that every moral issue and every question now requires investigation rather than the assumption of the divine is a long work in process. My meditation time seems to focus here a lot.

Mystery:

Yes, there are mysteries in life, but no god really can provide a true answer.  To invoke God is not trying to solve mysteries or discover knowledge. rather it closes off inquiry and leaves an empty space in human knowledge that someone will look at later and show that in that empty space is actually knowledge and no god is required.  This probably the reason the belief in the divine and the religions that go with them is more trouble than its worth.  It retards our growth as human beings.  It causes us in our ignorance to fear that which we do not understand and engage in fearful tribalism that leads us to kill one another over what we believe fills the gaps. Mystery accepted as a god rather than an invitation to an honest inquiry will always do this.

Spirituality:

Perhaps we should take from the ficitonal Klingons the call to action to kill these gods which have been, in my opinion, more trouble than their worth.  They were at one time our first and worst attempt as a human race to uncover the knowledge around us. But spirituality is not divine, but rather very human and for that, we can only look to ourselves to uncover the truth about it. Given the amount of plundering, raping and killing done in the name of religion, it is perhaps time to revolt in our minds and kill the gods and discard them as more trouble than their worth.

Conclusion:

I find that the god I once built in my mind is not so difficult to slay as it is so large and touches areas I hadn’t thought of before. It is more ways and methods of think that need to be changed and having the courage to face my life alone and discover the mysteries of life through following after what I need and want while listening to the caws of reason and wisdom.  The mysteries of life are there to be discovered not feared as some ‘god of the gaps’.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Good, The Bad and The Grey” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 28

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

Introduction:

Yes, I know this is another week without a proper “Of Wolves and Ravens” post.  Yes, I also know this is two weeks in a row of “The Grey and The Wayfarer” after like a month and a half of nothing before that. Just imagine me like Odin sitting on my throne and brooding at the things that trigger my depression and realize that there are about three things right now that are doing it. My Ravens are tired of cawing in my ears and my wolves are hungry for relief which makes them irritable and aggressive, and that leads me to a situation where despite good things happening and bad things happening, I don’t give a shit either way.  That my friends is what ‘The Grey’ is in a nutshell and what it does to my life.

The Good:

A lot of good things have been happening:

  1. I got promoted at work and that translates into more responsibility, more hours and a pay raise which translates into more money.
  2. I am expecting my fifth grandchild and my second grandson and the first grandson with the Raby last name. Lucas Edward Raby will add another fine strong name to the family tree.
  3. Speaking of family trees, mine on ancestory.com is growing and I am getting it more and more fleshed out.  My roots are a tangled mess at times but I can’t say they are not strong ones.
  4. I have made a more final decision about my career long term and I think it is a solid and good one.

The Bad:

  1. My wife’s best friend was involved in a car accident that nearly killed her and has left her in a very critical state.  So much so this weekend my wife headed own to see her in the hospital. I didn’t have to work this weekend except for one day, but it meant I was home alone for a couple days with nothing really to do.
  2. Right now social media is risky, I keep seeing Miss Salty’s name not only in reactions to memories Facebook gives me, but also she is in the comments a lot. This, of course, gets me to thinking about her a lot more.
  3. The weather has turned grey with snow and cold.  I am so over it.  Ice in my veins and all, my joints don’t take the cold as well as they used to and the lack of sunshine depresses me.

The Grey:

  1. The temptation level to alleviate the stress of all this has not overwhelmed me but it has caused me to shell up.  I have to shut down my emotions right now a lot or my empathy and desires will get the best of me. My wolves don’t like this.  My ravens see it as a necessary evil.
  2. I miss having a person in my life who understands this as part fo who I am and my way of thinking/feeling and who could get through it and make me feel human again. I had that a couple years ago with Miss Salty and that thought bothers me too.  What was it about that trainwreck of a relationship that made The Grey seem so weak and distant?

Conclusion:

Whatever it was, it is gone now.  I am left like a brooding god sitting on his throne wishing he didn’t have the gift of foresight and could enjoy the good things that are happening more and could empathize about the bad.  I just can’t do either.  It hurts too much either way so I walk The Grey instead.  I can only hope this storm passes soon.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Viking Philosophy – Part 1 – Introduction” – The Pagan Pulpit

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be (if any) either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: Herknungr- ‘Drengskapr’ (Viking Music)

Meditation:

Image may contain: one or more people and meme, possible text that says 'THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF WAS DECIDING THAT MoreCrazyStut Stuff COULDN'T GIVE ANY LESS OF A DAMN OF ANOTHER'S OPINION OR MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ME'

 

Text:

“Be Brave and Aggressive, Be Prepared, Be a Good Merchant, Keep the Camp in Order”

 

Sermon: ‘Viking Philosophy – Part 1 – Introduction’

I have been holding on to this picture of “Viking Laws” now for a little while.  I have thought about it and feel that a more practical series of Viking Philosophy is in order after my long treatment of Asatru.  The practical side of living life according to the philosophy of the Vikings might be in order.

In summary, the philosophy comes down to four items:

  1. Be Brave and Aggressive
  2. Be Prepared
  3. Be a Good Merchant
  4. Keep the Camp in Order

I want to take each of these fora week for four weeks and then consider a conclusion to the whole in this short but I think necessary series. My main issue is practical application of philosophy to life.  Of Wolves and Ravens is dedicated to that but this is a little more ‘spiritual’ as well with a sense of community and connection to the Nine Noble Virtues.

Until next week I can only say this short four phrase sentence will be on my mind a lot in the coming month.  In the meantime, I challenge you to meditate on it as well.  It’s time to pull back a bit from the theology of the Vikings and look at their philosophy of life.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, beard, possible text that says 'Nordic Roots Sometimes you just need an adventure to cleanse the bitter taste of life from your soul.'

 

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Revising My Routines” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Sometimes life forces change and with my routines, a new job with a new schedule is going to force some changes in my routines.  Other changes were already being thought about because if I put things in front of other things that are more habit then I tend to do that and the thing that is a habit as well.  The idea is that in particular by putting my daily reading before writing on for my Blog, the reading will get done as will the blog.  It’s an experiment that happens to work for me.

The other change is now the daily word count for writing will be 1000 words until I get consistent with that and then I will raise the word count upwards as things get easier. I need to jsut be doing it every day and then expanding it to the point fo maximizing the word count without exhausting myself as a writer or person.  Blogging itself has to actually be done in such a way that I am two days ahead fo myself.  revising the psot for the next day and writing the one for the day after that.

The Morning. Work and Rest Routines have worked far better than any other method I have used.  The difference now is creating an option on the morning routine for exercise at the gym on workdays and taking a morning walk on rest days.  Moving from 3/4 time to full time means five workdays and 2 rest days on average per week.  My daily schedule as a department manager also changes from 4am to 1pm to 6 am to 3 pm.

After consideration of all these factors, the routines I have been following are revised as follows:

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Writing: 1000 words/day.
  6. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, job search, other actions, etc.
  7. Check Communications and Email after 4 pm but before 6 pm.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

Discipline and Routine go hand in hand,  Most of the whole issue of my routines is about living the Virtue of Discipline.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

The real trick at this point it to persevere in my routines. That every failure in them; not only do I get up from, but that learn from those failures so I have them less often.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

I need to perceive of following these routines as being faithful to myself.  Being Loyal to myself involves achieving my goals and seeing items checked off the bucket list.  Routine and Fidelity to myself need to be a part of my mediation for a while until it becomes a constant thought and later a habit.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

Wisdom is always an application thing.  In this case, I have a lot of experience now in revising my routines as the situation calls for it.  This was not catastrophic change and I think they might actually help out much better. Long term it might reveal the wisdom of making exercise a part of my morning routine regardless of schedule.  24-hour access gyms are good for that.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

New and revised, like all the rest – next week will be a good test for all of them.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 6

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.
  6. Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Heritage, The Grey, and Dried Salt” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 27

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day:

I should be happy with my life right now, but I struggle with it.  Things are getting better for my life all the time, but I feel something is missing in my life. Now those of you of faith need to understand this has been going on for a while and it isn’t the result of losing my faith as it precedes this.  Jesus never filled this supposed hole in my heart as much as I preached it was so.  Before I lost my faith in Christianity, it was this thing known as The Grey that was like clouds over who I was that indicated to me that I was missing something.

Heritage:

I have been studying my family history to see if there is anything in it that might indicate why this is so. I mean there are signs you can see in people by where they lived when they got married, the number of children, divorce, and death in a lineage that can tell you if things were rough or smooth for that person.  My continued use of Ancestory has proven to me that stories can be written and my lineage is varied but readable.

Some highlights:

  1. My father’s biological parents were people who eventually abandoned him.  His father because he was a drunk and his mother who knew she couldn’t afford him and his siblings.  The Bauman and Hole families are those legacies. The first family stretches back to Germany; the second is Dutch and Irish. I only know all this now because I discovered my biological grandmother’s (who I did meet while she was alive) maiden name and that opened the door to who she was married to and their parents. My grandfather was a drunk by all accounts and my grandmother found herself alone and on the streets.  She gave up my father for adoption.  She would go on to divorce two husbands and finally find a man who treated her well.
  2. This biological lineage has highlights but is noted most for its many marriages, divorces, and remarriages even at times when divorce was only allowed for infidelity indicating that infidelity was present. But also some of these remarriages are because a woman or man would watch their spouse die of some disease. There is a lot of sorrow on this side of the tree inflicted by the world and by self. I can see it and I don’t even know many details.
  3. My mother’s side of the family is far easier and better documented. It is a story of successful farmers, pioneers, and colonists. Most notably the Ackley’s who came from England to settle in the British Connecticut Colonies in the 1600s.  Many of them originally from Weymouth England and London.  They ended up coming further and further west until they settled in the Kalamazoo and Portage area of Michigan.
  4. Of course, my mother’s mom is even simpler and shorter.  The came from the Netherlands.  Like the whole family just picked up and left the Groningen area of the northern Netherlands.  My great grandparents and their parents all at the same time just got on a boat and came to America in the 1890s. They settled in Michigan and the rest is a short but powerful history of a family of Dutch Reformed people doing well in their new land.

So does heritage being this split have an effect on me? I guess I will wait for the DNA test results, to clear up the few loose ends that remain.  But right now the fact all of this is clearer should be something I am enjoying but other things seem to be pulling me into the Grey.

Depression: 

I believe part of it is where I live.  It has been mostly overcast and dreary this winter and that is never good for anyone with depression. I have been getting more concerned about my finances but it looks like a new job in my current company might help alleviate that short term for a bit anyway. My car and I went into the ditch and it is developing mechanical problems since.  I may need a ‘new’ one.  Life is intruding a lot right now and that triggers depression even if it is good.

Family trigger warning: Reading further might be a little too troubling for family members.  I am simply trying to get some things clearer in my mind and I find writing them and posting them does this, so hang on from here down. 

My marriage has definitely improved, but for me, there is still a lot missing and no matter how I try to fight it, I am becoming more restless every single day. The one thing for sure is whatever is missing, this improvement hasn’t fixed it, at least for me. I feel very much like I am giving up what I want to make my family happy at this point. I know what I want to do but I am fairly sure there will be a lot of pushback. This struggle, of course, causes The Grey.  That and thoughts returning from a lost love.

Dried Salt:

Miss Salty returned to mind due to posting a Facebook memory only to find her reaction to it with her name attached.  I guess feelings about her have solidified to a point.  I miss her; I care about her still, but I still wouldn’t trust her.  I know that sounds stupid probably, but the pain of this is still not gone.  I was looking at some old poems about her on this blog and the feelings are still there when I read them.  Although. I did manage to get through John Legend’s – ‘All of Me’ without crying once or shutting it off to avoid crying. She still haunts me like a ghost.

I avoid any sort of news about her, I haven’t even looked at her social media pages since June of 2019. I intentionally try to not think of her at times but she seems to come back in my thoughts more than I would like. WTF?  I should be a lot wiser from this whole situation but I miss that feeling I had and wonder if I can get it back. It is not happening with my marriage, improved though it is.

I guess I cling to this because, for a few months in 2018, I didn’t feel like something was missing.  This bothers me.  What was it that made me feel like I wasn’t missing something, because this relationship with Miss Salty, in the final analysis, was a shitshow?  How did this rollercoaster of an affair make me feel whole for once? For the first time, there was light in The Grey and I want to know what was it about this relationship that did that?  Can I get it back some other way?  All these questions are just made to order triggers for The Grey. I guess I have something to talk about with my therapist.

Walking the Grey:

True to form, Perseverance kicks in and no matter how I feel, I keep walking. I remain The Grey Wayfarer. Ravens of reason and wisdom overhead while following the wolves of what I need and want.  I search for the missing thing that will make me whole once again. Finding this wholeness is a large driving force and motivation in my life right now.  I walk the Grey because this is so worth it to me, I will walk in sadness for the rest of my life to find it.  Succeed or fail, it is worth that much to me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Wayfarer’s Wells – Part 3” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

My Self Bucket List is a little more eclectic.  A group of wayfarer’s wells that are both long and short term in their scope. The scope of these is a rebellious act this coming Beltane to a tattoo this year as well.  Two items that are coming up very soon in the timeline.  The other one is a very long term item but it has taken a great leap forward in recent weeks.

The issue here is to mark the journey of life with celebrations and events that mark significant milestones. They also mark a very new attitude toward things I would formerly have called ‘sin’.  Now I just see them as human.   I guess these bucket list items are more about engaging the human experience fo my life than anything else.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

This rebellious act is something I think upon often. It is probably going to be something I will never talk about other than to mention it happened. Beltane has a wild connotation to it and I plan on living up to that.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

My tattoo is simply a monetary issue now.  I know what I want to do and have an idea of which artist I want to do it.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

This item has taken a major leap forward. I received a genetic test kit from a friend (Shout out to Diana) and as I was registering at Ancestry, I took the offer of three months of access for a dollar. I have been building my family tree almost every night for an hour before I go to bed. So far, I am very Dutch, German, English and Irish.  Which also means probably some Scandinavian. Nothing direct yet, but I did finally track down my father’s biological lineage once I discovered his mother’s maiden name when I found her marriage license to my biological grandfather.  I then discovered him and the rest has been tracking down the lineage.  What I have discovered so far is worth a The Rabyd Skald Post probably as soon I find some extra time to write it.  It’s been a good week.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

So why the tattoo and Beltane.  How is this Wise?  Because it is wise to blow off steam. You can’t be the good guy all the time and be wise. It’s also wise to learn the wisdom of the past that is behind you.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  5. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  6. Writing – 3000 Words

Need more of this.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 5

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Taoism and Asatru Virtues” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Eastern Philosophy

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Discussion:

Every time I address the subject of eastern philosophy, I keep coming back to Taoism.  Probably because of all of the eastern philosophical viewpoints, it has one of the easiest to understand main concepts – balance.  Keeping one’s life balanced is its central tenant and it is probably the main concept I borrow from in eastern philosophy.

When it comes to the pursuit of virtue. the issue is balance.  One could, for instance, become attached to Self-Reliance and Indsutriousness to the point one forgets Fidelity and Honor. The constant reminder of balance is why I have organized the virtues the way I have. This online journal The Grey Wayfarer is a mechanism that keeps me considering all the virtues rather than just focusing on a small group of them or even a single one.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

The need for balance is one the is illustrated in the Asatru Virtues.  One should work hard, but not dishonorably.  One should maintain relationships but not to the point of cowardice or the truth.  The need for balance is to remind one’s self that there is more to life than one aspect of it.

Wants (Freki):

I want this balance.  The reason should be obvious as my goals are attached to it and provide the highest sign of where I have been focusing my efforts and which virtues still need work.   The idea of balance makes sure I don’t get too caught up in one thing at the expense of another.

Reason (Huginn):

I have found this adds a new level of reasonableness to my path. An added layer of consideration that allows me to say – ‘hey your spending too much time thinking about this goal at the expense of others’.  I can also see here certain goals are not even being addressed and realize – ‘That’s an imbalance.  I need to do something about it.”

Wisdom (Muninn):

This leads to the practical – ‘it works’ sort of wisdom I find in considering am I being balanced. It leads me to understand that all the virtues are important for a wise life. No one of them should become so important to the neglect of others.

Conclusion:

Right now this simple discussion of Taoism and balance has caused me to realized that my time is being invested in an unbalanced manner because I am not following my routines as closely as I should. The routines are designed for me to make progress on all my goals. I need to make new efforts to keep them better.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!