Was I ever loved? Maybe I was—but I don’t know. In the end, the feeling that I was loved Seemed an illusion, A magician’s sleight of hand.
The first time, I understood The departed’s why. I loved her— She couldn’t find the lover’s sigh.
The second time was long, Accompanied by wedding bells. But I saw no concern for me In my children’s mother’s eyes.
The third time was forbidden— An affair of the heart, rare as flame. But her playing with my soul Left me afraid to love again.
My heart is wary, Bruised by loving and not being loved. I don’t know if I can stand Another fall.
Scars whisper softly: “Please… not again.”
Writer’s Notes:
This poem actually came to Mind as I was driving home today. I was feeling very alone. Sometimes, even when that is not true, it still hits me. I have been wondering why I have become more reclusive, and pouring myself into my second job of being a writer and creator of YouTube content, there seems to be little room anymore for romance or finding love. Then one phrase struck me: ‘You’re afraid still of getting hurt again.’ Then the rest poured out into this poem like black blood.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
There are a lot of firsts in this post – It’s the first post after a long hiatus where I have been growing my YouTube Channel – The Rabyd Atheist, and trying to put my life together since discovering a lot of things about myself. I note some of the last writing I did was about my autism discovery and all that goes with it. It’s been a bit, but that part has opened more understanding of myself, and I deal with life more positively, and depression (referred to on this blog as ‘The Grey’) is much more manageable now. Not much has changed otherwise, but I am happier and my mental health is more manageable.
But I have missed writing. My favorite form of therapy is writing. Turning thoughts and feelings into poems, stories, and essays has been missing, and I feel now that on other fronts are better, maybe, just maybe, writing might take me to even better states of mind.
I also feel that I am expanding who I am on other fronts.
YouTuber – yes.
Influencer – Yes.
Writer -?
I feel it is time to genuinely add this one.
This poem, like all my poems, comes with a cost of writing. That throbbing of a wound made seven years ago by someone I loved very much, only to discover it was just a game to them. But she taught me to write better poems, and so I feel that was something positive that came out of the relationship. I just wish the scar she left on my heart would stop stinging when I write a poem.
This poem, in particular, was my recent exploration of how I now feel about this relationship after seven years of no contact. It was also my first use of a style of poem I haven’t used before. Single words followed by a list of others that the first word is a descriptor for, although I changed it up on the last one. Other than the form, I don’t think this one requires explanation.
Glad to be Back.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
My struggles have always been easier when I have routine and discipline. The problem is that my hypersensitivity can rob me of that when my nervous system gets overloaded and then depression and anxiety can set in.
For the last month, I have realized that the best time for me to establish routine and discipline is fall through spring. Summer is my challenge with all the sensory input. It really makes me turn into a vampire of sorts that avoids the light and heat whenever I can. Cold is actually very comforting to me in moderation. Too cold? Well, I am approaching 55 years of age so my joins feel that. I wish it could be Fall all the time.
So, time to pause things and hit the reset button. Tome to establish routines, so when summer returns, things move to an automatic level and don’t stress my nervous system out as much. So let’s take a basic look:
Main Routine:
Get up and Make my bed.
Full body Stretch (Shower on days off)
Email Check / Personal Business
Read 1 chapter of a book
Write: 1000 words in my rotation.
Youtube Video – 1 a day.
Prepare for work the next day or if not working relax.
Before Work: – Workout/Shower
Discipline: Diet – Carnivore or Paleo – haven’t decided.
Time to reset this all and re-align it so that it makes me more productive. Time to restore a little bit more of myself.
My Goals are not a long list anymore:
Become a successful Youtuber
Become a published author
Be as fit and healthy as I can be.
Fall in Love again.
Peace of Mind.
Retire to a cabin in the woods as a Philosopher.
I crave a simple and Stoic life these days, full of love and peace.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I wish Miss Salty had not taught me to touch my feelings with words at times. I have a love-and-hate relationship with my poetry. Every time, I write one, I think of her, and it makes me sad. I wonder if anyone will ever walk beside me again like that.
The lone wolf analogy fits me so well these days. I do watch over the people I love and care for. I am always ready to come to their aid at any moment. But I feel like I am outside too. Just to watch over and not to participate. I feel the loneliness of solitude, but also understand its strength. I am stronger than the pack. But they have nothing to fear from me.
I now understand more and more that this feeling of being the one wolf most of my life was a part of my autism. I have felt like the odd person out for a very long time. Very few get into my heart. Once they do I am very vulnerable to them as I have found out with so many pains. I just wish I could find love again. Some days I wonder if I ever will.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I haven’t written in a Long time. I have been concetrating on my YouTube Channel and learning to cope with my hypersensitivity, which has been and interesting journey of discovery.
This poem is actually based on a dream I had. I found myself in the woods and there she was in front of me – my old love – Miss Salty. In the dream I ran after her trying to catch her and then I finally got close enough to grab her hand. At that moment she turned and laughed and then faded into wisping smoke.
My feelings in the dream went from blazing to nothing. Fire to smoke, smoke to ash.
I wonder if I will ever find love again. I am a half a year away from becoming 55 and I wonder if love is even possible for me anymore. I miss it. The inspiration. The cuddles. The conversations. The sex. But where is it for me? Right now all I seem to have is memories and ash.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I am Detroit Lions Fan so I in general have a respectful hatred for all things Chicago Bears. That said, when I was picking the number 54 to represent one of the best for the number of my age 54, Brian Urlacher went to the front of the class. Got to give the Devil his due. The man could Ball. Linebacker sized, fast as safety, and skilled. I was happy to see him retire so the Lions wouldn’t have to face him twice a year anymore.
So today I turn 54. I can’t lean into my early fifties anymore with that number, we are definitely middle fifties now. I have tried to turn my birthday back in but no one wants to take it. So I guess I will own it for as long as it gets mileage. My birthday has one redeeming feature, it works far better than New Year for changing my life’s course. This year My goal is to get healthy in a lot of areas.
Physically I want to get back to pre-COVID. Muscled. leaned out with good strength, endurance, and flexibility. I was in the best shape of my life in March 2020 and then we all know what happened to take us all away from the gym which in retrospect was a bad thing overall. I want to look the part of the sexy over-50 man, so this is the year.
Emotionally and Mentally I need to be in a better place. To that end, I want to work on getting back to being a creative educator. This may take some time. I also renewed my relationship with my therapist. I am hoping to be more disciplined and focused going forward in my life.
Financial Health needs to be a focus this year. I need more income than working for the world’s largest brick-and-mortar retailer can provide. This involves creating some income streams outside the norm. As well as looking for better career choices.
Family/Friends: I feel like communication needs to be a focus this year and given that I seem at times to be the source of my family’s anxiety. I want to change that if at all possible. I just tend to be reserved and quiet most of the time.
Love: I would like if at all possible, to be in love by this time next year with a woman who makes me better. I am good being a bachelor, but I mess with having a confident, lover and partner in crime. Not going to force it, but I am looking harder for it.
Well, I have soem work to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will be starting my D&D series and then the rotation for this and a few other projects will be rolling. This year is about learning and implementing things for good personal health in a lot of areas.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Now that I am divorced and single, Valentine’s Day gives me a lot of mixed feelings.
Of course, I wish I could celebrate the love I have for someone on this day, but that isn’t going to happen so being the follower of Stoic philosophy that I am I am focusing on the positive.
I don’t have to spend money on gifts and that means saving for me.
I can focus on the possibilities of who I might get to be my new life partner.
I also can smile at how feminine this holiday is.
Going to be blunt this is about romance and so is more of a female holiday. I have long been a supporter of a more masculine holiday in March My favorite is using March 14th as Beer, Steak, and a Blowjob Day. This lines up with more masculine wants. Valentine’s Day is not going to get you beer, or a steak spending your own money and while sexy time might happen on Valentine’s but it’s going to be romantic sex which is OK but sometimes as a man you just want the girl to do the work to show you how much she loves you.
Not to mention this is a Christian holiday, named after a Christian ‘saint’. Freya doesn’t mess too much around with Romance. She once was accused of fucking every god in Asgard. She never denied this, but she did say Loki had bad manners for accusing her in front of everyone. The fact she was sexually active with more than one partner was not considered a shame in that she did it. I tend to take this view about sex as well. It’s just that society frowns on this attitude, and I just don’t want the hassle.
Maybe that is why when I look at holidays that are supposedly secular and know the religious origins, I just have trouble getting into the ones based on Christian holidays. Most of the rest are pagan holidays that Christianity stole so you can convert them back.
Maybe next Valentine’s I will be with someone special and my feeling will be more on par with normal. But today, I am just mixed about the whole thing,
Goals for Today:
Settling up my shelves when they arrive – hopefully. This is two shelves and represents a lot of time so it is my only goal for today
Yesterday’s goals were both achieved. Hoping to start therapy soon and waiting on on landlord.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Right now I have the time to step back and regain my focus. I have certain areas of my life that I am trying to improve on and I need to refocus on them. So this post will be listing them and saying a few words to clarify for both you the gentle reader and myself.
Writing – There are basically two habits I need to put in place and that is the writing itself, and no good writer is worth anything without also being a reader. But in reading I don’t want to read as much as I want to study the book I am reading. Quality of quantity.
Media Presence – In this case Youtube Channel and all that goes with it. I figure at two videos a week I should be good. But that requires a regular system of recording, editing, and presenting.
Health – Lifting, hiking, and dieting.
Money – Multiple income streams. I need my job currently to make ends meet but I need more streams of income to pay off debt and get my cabin in the woods eventually. Minimalism and being a Stoic NNV following Viking are my means to this end and the subject of my Youtube channel.
Love – I am not very good on my own. I need to fall in love again and have that woman in my life that makes me better. That said my system here is to simply be who I am and put that out there.
Family – need to come up with a system that improves my communication with my kids and keeps it more regular.
So there are a lot of habits and systems to create here. I need to overlap and build them into morning and evening routines and other systems. Things need to overlap and support each other.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I am really dense when it comes to flirting at times. I mean, I know when I am flirting with a woman, but I am never quite sure about them. I really need a woman who flirts overtly like in a lot of the old pin-ups. I mean the girl above probably ‘accidentally’ spilled ketchup on her dress with the ‘accidental’ effect of her lifting her skirt so the guy with her can now see her hose, garters, and panties, but back then I don’t think so. This was overt flirting with sex as the end goal. No woman back then who was even remotely concerned about her reputation would have done this without forethought. I mean she could keep her skirt down and ask for a napkin. Nope, this is ‘hey, we might need to rent a hotel room so I can change into something else seeing I have ruined my dress. As a gentleman, I hope you get what I mean and have a condom.” Wink.
For me, women seem more subtle than this in some ways and less in others. Women today are far more likely to talk sexy and be less overt in actions. At least it seems that way to me. I feel a lot of women are very comfortable with this because the reputation of sexual activity is not as big as it used to be. Joan Jett changed a lot in the 80s I would say. That said body language is still there. It’s just harder for me to read. I really wish women wore skirts and dresses more. Seems like women could do more flirty stuff with that, although jeans are nice as far as the view but every woman wears them so it’s not flirting per se.
I don’t know. I have had women seem like they are flirting with me, Being overly nice to me, and genuinely concerned. I have even had a couple position themselves in such a way that I can’t help but look at either their butt or cleavage. But is that woman not giving a shit anymore or is it flirting? Modern Dating is confusing. I wouldn’t have a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel with the right female partner I would be a better person. If I am in love, I tend to push myself far harder than otherwise. I want to impress my girl even with my failures and at least my effort. I do OK alone, but in love, I tend to be even better. Women I am in love with are magic to me. Especially the ones that show me their boob magic. 🙂 If you didn’t chuckle at that, you are not the one. I tend to have a dirty mind most of the time and like a woman who can go there with me.
I have made my requirement pretty clear in past posts – 1) Loyal to me – when the shit hits the fan especially. 2) Her presence brings me peace and 3) Desire for intimacy on all levels – mental, emotional, and physical. Other than that I am pretty open. Body type just needs to be curvy in some way and can be from Fit to Hilda as long as they take care of themselves. Being comfortable in their bare skin is a definitely plus as well as being comfortable being feminine.
Maybe some of the women in the room can give me some pointers when a woman is flirting with me. I tend to like clear communication here to avoid some pitfalls. The kind of subtlety that the old pin-up girls seem to make so clear to the men they were flirting with. I get that old-school language, it’s the new school that throws me.
No Goals Today as one thing remains in front of everything else. – getting into my new apartment ad getting my routines and systems in place. Monday is when that begins. I hope.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Anyone who knows me also knows that I do not hold much to New Year’s Resolutions. I do however believe in a quarterly assessment of my goals and vision for myself. If the new year is valuable to me it is in the assessment of progress and a change of course that is planned. A course correction and seeing I am completely off course, time to chart from where I am at to where I would like to be next year. I think this year I will head in the direction of ‘be it resolved by the end of 2023, I will…” Then list the needed things to change.
1 – Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, my morning routine will be well established.” My routine every morning will help with a lot of my coping mechanisms. In fact, most of it is a list of my coping mechanisms in action. 1) Get Up Early and Make Bed, 2) Meditation on the Nine Noble Virtues (5 min), 3) Full Body Stretch, 4) Weight Lifting, 5) Good Breakfast, 6) Hygiene Routine, 7) Get Dressed, 8) Reading – 3 chapters, 9) Write – Rough Draft or Edit and Post for the Blog. Yes, I will be writing every other day from now on. The main focus here is me and keeping my depression from hitting me by keeping myself healthy and mentally focused.
2. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will return to Michigan. I need to get back to a place where my depression bothers me less. It is closer to family and hiking, camping, etc. I love. Michigan people are my people. Houston just incites my depression. too much
3. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will change careers from teaching to something less stressful and just as or more lucrative. I need to finish my contract, but after that, I am done. This means everything currently must be up to snuff as far as credentials, professional development, training, etc. Then on to what? I don’t know that yet. Kind of like returning to the land you left to find out what has changed that you can take advantage of. I guess part of the challenge will be the discovery.
4. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will more actively pursue my new love – my shieldmaiden – if she will have me. I need to find her first. But something tells me the way to attract such a woman would be simply to be the best man I can be and see who is attracted to that. I think the only thing I am going to do here is, move to Michigan and then just be me. I do think I am going to be growing a full beard. Something like the gentleman below but my coloring will be different. Going to make myself into the healthiest, most masculine, and the sexiest old man I can be and see which female warrior is attracted to that. Time for this Odin avatar to find his Frigg.
5. Be it resolved that by the end of 2023, I will be at peace with myself in better ways. 1) I need to write beyond the blog., 2) I need to find that outlet I need to be a voice. The Rabyd Atheist was my pulpit for a couple years, but I stopped because I realized how dangerous it is to have social media career and be a teacher. I actually am taking a bit of risk even with this blog. This is probably one other good reason to change to something that does not have that risk. 3) Have paid off as much debt as possible by the end of the year. The move is going to take money, but I think most of the small bills will be gone by February, and then it is my car. If I move back to Michigan with nothing but student loans, I will be in good shape.
So there it is – my five – “Be it resolved”. Should be an interesting year.
I remain.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Grey Wayfarer 