Healing

“Different Values” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 15

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Tyr’s Day:

Yeah, I know.  It’s another week without “Of Wolves and Ravens”.  I need to get back to it for my own sake but right now the Grey is a ‘normal’ thing.  I knew July, in particular, would be difficult because of all that happened during this month last year and the reason is the memories are not necessarily bad ones.  It’s kind of like reading a story that has a lot of good things in it and happy times but you know a tragedy is going to hit at the end. Like following your favorite character in a story only to have them die suddenly.  It is that kind of emotion when you look at the story arc in retrospect.

The difference, of course, is the story is mine and I am the character so it is all too real and personal.

Another thing is I keep running into people from my past life as a pastor.  People I haven’t, in some cases, seen in over a year keep finding their way into my life. I play it cool but inside I would rather be far away. That journey is over and I want to leave the pain of it behind along with the people in the story as well.  They turned out to be characters that are not dynamic at all, just who reveal their true nature when someone doesn’t measure up to their expectations.

Of course, this leads to my real problem which is coming to terms in all aspects of my life with a different set of values I now possess.  What is important to me has changed and not in small ways but large ones. A loss of faith and a reevaluation of life will do that to you.  The questions that trouble my mind are ones that would make the writers of Babylon 5 proud: Who are you?  What do you want? Why are you here?

My oldest son recently observed I seem to be searching for something.  Something I haven’t found yet.  The young man has good insight.  I don’t call myself the Grey Wayfarer because it is just a fun persona. It is in many ways the philosophy of my life and one identity that seems to fit me with the expression as the motto of my life: “Not all who wander are lost”. It seems that my values involve a lot of searching and becoming something, but the one thing they do not involve is stagnancy or being unchanging.  For me change, and the chaos and joys that go with it, is becoming more of a desire than a fear.

The Grey is the thing that causes me to be stagnant at times, unchanging and that is the devil of it. The demon I understand.  It is why it is so important to force myself to change when I am depressed.  To keep doing something and keep walking through it is my therapy.

Perhaps that is why I write every single day.  Writing is a lot of things but I would never describe it as stagnant.  It is flowing and changing constantly. The creative process is like that. It is when I can’t write that I worry about me.

The point is also that the Nine Noble Virtues call one to improve and get better.  You can’t be a follower of the Nine without changing.  Every single one of them calls for change and so change is an essential part of my foundational philosophy.  The problem may be that some people in my life are too attached to where we are relationally, and to be in a relationship with me requires you to walk with me from time to time, and where I am is never the same.

I am sure there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer post very soon.  Hopefully, it won’t fall on Tyr’s Day again.  But this week was some good insight into what makes me keep going because, as I will probably write next time, there are a lot of forces trying to compel me to quit and give up. The Grey is strong, but my desire for change is stronger so I keep walking and seeking what I am looking for.  I will know when I find it what it was.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Uncharted Territory” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 14

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

‘

Happy Tyr’s Day

This week hasn’t been too bad as far as The Grey.  The most specific thing I have to watch is my relationships because I may be negatively affecting them without intending to do so. I have never had a problem focusing on work or going to work with the Grey.  It just makes some of my relationship issues more difficult.  In fact, work is often a welcome thing as it helps me move along through it.

Right now I have an itch I need to scratch and it involves boarding the ship and sailing somewhere else and starting over.  Finding out what is over the horizon line is a big thing in my heart right now.  What is the uncharted territory for me personally?

To be honest part of this is the excitement of starting over but a good part of it is the hatred I am starting to develop for where I am now. I hate not being able to trust anyone. Being reminded at every turn what I used to be and what I did is not a comfortable situation for me. I am no longer the cowering lamb but rather a raging wolf and I need to find a new pack and take the lead.

See the source image

There are some problems with just picking up and leaving.

  1. Family – kids and grandkids are nearby right now but we wouldn’t be the first family separated by a distance that made it work and technology is such that we can keep very much in touch.
  2. My wife – I would be pulling her from her support system.  The rest is between me and her.  It is, however, the concern of mine I have the most.
  3. Fear – yeah, tired of being afraid and not trying something new.  Playing it safe has gotten me nowhere so far.

There are those advantages of starting over:

  1. The chances I would run into someone I really would rather not run into diminishes significantly.
  2. The opportunities become much greater and multifaceted. I can follow my heart.
  3. Courage – Yeah, one of my virtues actually acted upon. Yeah, that works.
  4. Where I want to go ha a warmer climate and a lot more people.  That second part might seem like a downside to an introvert, but it means I can probably find a new crop of friends easier. The first part means more sunshine and that helps with The Grey.
  5. O need a major change or I am going to have a repr=eat performance of last year. I don’t want that, so time to move on.  Time to hit the uncharted territory and get on with my life.

What remains is figuring out how to do it. That, however, is just the details and the packing list for the hold so to speak. What matters to me is the vision I have of being in the bow of the ship, sword in hand and ready for something else to conquer.

This will be the only post today.  I have other things to attend to today and I need some time to work ahead anyway.  But noted more things are coming, especially if I feel better from all this Grey because I am moving.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Deadly Grey Storm” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 13

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Hmm.  Lucky 13?

I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one.  I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further.  My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has.  I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty.  I really lie to myself when it’s private.

I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days.  A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche.  It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.

The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again?  Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?

There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this?  Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again?  A real pain in my soul.  Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things.  ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.

The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too.  The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me?  Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad.  Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable.  Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.

Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again.  My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them.  So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected.  Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?

Religion was no help before and it still isn’t.  Worthless is my old faith.  No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore.  I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.

Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:

  1. Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others.  One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself.  It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
  2. Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship.  The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult.  But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
  3. Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
  4. Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself.  Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away.  It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
  5. Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why.  What is the point?
  6. Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?

Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.

The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it.  I know something will take me out in the end.  I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain.  Not today bitch.

It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate.  Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.

If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer.  I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that.  I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so.  Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there.  My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.

Well time to end this for now.  I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Last Sermon” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 11

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

One year ago today (May 27th, 2018), I preached my last sermon as a Christian pastor. When people ask me how I am doing, I am doing as well as can be expected, given the time of year and the memories involved with it. Part of that is leaving the identity behind of ‘pastor’.  This week is dotted with a lot of emotions, but leaving the ministry behind for good was bittersweet and it speaks to me of waste.  The thought that I have wasted 20 years of my life crosses my mind a lot.

My last sermon couldn’t have been more ironic. I was in an affair preaching on adultery from the ten commandments. My basic message was that if Jesus’ words on adultery were the facts, then we have all failed and we just need to cling to grace because that is all we got. No one is going to make it if the standard is not lusting.  No one could meet that standard.

Emotionally this was my most difficult sermon ever. I just wanted the service to end and go home. Neither my flame at the time or my wife was there and I felt alone and just sick of being a pastor and all of it. I went home, the woman I was having an affair with told her aunt about it.  I told my wife and the rest is a painful history.

I wouldn’t have minded so much but when it came to my last church, the message of grace seemed completely lost, even though I had been preaching it for nine and a half years to them. Lots of wasted words from my point of view. The man I entrusted my resignation to engaged in a plan to basically make things to be much worse than they really were.

For the record once again, I have never actually had sex with the woman I had an affair with, in fact ever.  At the time of my resignation, it had barely graduated beyond “I love you” and holding hands at a prayer meeting that looked normal to everyone else.  People made this to be much more than it was and that hurt too.  Because the man in charge let it happen on purpose. He told me he didn’t want gossip to spread through the church which is very sensible. He also told me he didn’t want to drag the woman into it either to protect her, something that was my concern as well. But once he had my resignation I had revised removing that confession line at his request, he called the woman up within probably minutes of me giving it to him and asked her permission to tell the story.

In the week’s that followed he did everything possible to make sure that gossip and rumor were exactly what happened. He deliberately dragged the woman into it (made possible by the fact we had broken up at the time and we were not talking to each other)  to do this and used her to get to me. I looked like I was hiding something, which I wasn’t. He looked like the hero so he could feed that ego and hero complex of his. He used it in the following weeks to paint a picture of me as a monster, the woman as a victim and him as the white knight that was here to bring the monster down. What a load of bullshit he piled up. All of it. 

In the end, he used the emotional hurt and anger of the congregation to get me fired and no severance given. I was never informed of anything that was going on officially until it was all over. The whole process was done without me being asked to speak on my own behalf one time.  ‘Grace’ and ‘Mercy’ at their finest.  That’s sarcasm if you can’t tell.  Bitter Sarcasm.   

I have forgiven the congregation for this.  They were misinformed and misled by a man who has to be in control of everything because he is personally insecure. People like him are in every church and the real cause of problems and why churches don’t succeed and have the reputations they have.  I have even forgiven the woman’s busybody aunt who did the most to engage in gossip. She was just acting in anger and hurt and I very much understand it.  She actually had good reasons to act the way she did, even if her actions were not very Christian.  Whatever that means. 

But the man himself – if there is any force of justice in the world I hope he has to experience the betrayal, manipulation, lies, theft of honor, and all the rest of it that he visited on me himself.  That karma visits on him the exact same thing he did to me. If nothing else I hope he lives a long and miserable life surrounded by no one at the end of it. That would be an end which he deserves because of his very utilitarian view of friendship. His friends no longer seeing him as useful so they simply don’t show up to help or comfort him. That would be truly fitting. 

As far as me and The Grey, this ‘one year ago thing’ is bothering me but I am moving through it. I refuse to go down to this storm.  I want to walk through it laughing at it. Mostly though, I just want a new sense of identity beyond the pastoral ministry thing.  It’s garbage to me now. An old cloak I have discarded. The white hat, the cross, and white cloak no longer suit me.  I prefer grey vestments and vulknut medallion now.

Mostly, my wife and I are trying to build some new memories. I worry about her as she has to get used to a man who is in many ways, not the same as he was. A man who is damaged in some ways, trying to heal as well.  Who will never completely heal and will no longer be what he was.  I want her to be happy because my own happiness depends on it.  I just don’t know about my side of it a lot.

The last sermon I preached in the church was ironic but also fitting.  The whole thing of pastoral ministry is adultery in my opinion now.  A pastor’s church is a mistress.  One that takes a lot and gives back very little and much like a real mistress drives a wedge between you and those you love as a pastor. A smart man gets out a lot sooner than I did.

I walk The Grey right now.  It is this time of year last year where every day has some significant event and memory that makes it difficult.  It probably won’t stop until the summer is over. I am just trying to live my life and living it in joy as much as possible.  If it wasn’t for the guilt and pain I have associated with these memories of last year, it would be easier.  The thing is I have come to accept that this walk is my path, but I can’t control the weather. I wish I could.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

The Pagan Pulpit – The Book of Rabyd 3:2 – “There is Never Time to Do It Right, but There is Always Time to Do It Over.”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “Hammer to Fall” – Queen

I consider this one of the lesser known but better songs of Queen.  It also deals with today’s subject – time.

Poem: ‘Priceless Words’ by LK Pilgrim

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LK Pilgrim has some good stuff for poems and seeing I am not inspired for my own poetry right now, enjoy.

Meditation:

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Definitely yours for wasting time on them. Time to find someone better.

Song of Preparation: “Wasted Years” – Iron Maiden

I think we could all sing this song about someone or something. The point is to learn and head a different direction.

Text:

“There is Never Time to Do It Right, but There is Always Time to Do It Over.” – The Book of Rabyd 3:2

Sermon:

I don’t know actually where this expression originated in our family but I do know it was a favorite with my Father.  He was a big one for doing things right the first time.  He hated coming back to do something again if it could have been avoided by simply doing things right the first time. He also felt by doing it right the first time and taking a little extra time to do it that way saved time in the long run.  He was most definitely right.

It is when we get sloppy that we find ourselves doing things again and wasting time.  It is interesting that the one thing humans take so seriously is time, but that we waste so much of it doing a sloppy job is also true.  Sure the sand of time is ticking, but does doing things quickly really save time?  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to get better with each repeat or doing things right the first time and have time to reach other goals?  I prefer the later and have to conclude that my dad, wherever he got the saying, was right.

Time is the most important commodity anyone has.  You don’t even really know how much you have so it is important to get things right the first time so you don’t waste time doing things over and over again. That goes for relationships too.

At this point, we will leave the Book of Rabyd for a bit.  I will come back to it whenever I add another verse or modify an existing verse. Next up is a series on universal religious concepts. I also may from time to time go truly pagan on the Pagan Pulpit.

Closing Song: “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights” – Freddie Fender

I honor of my father who has provided two verses of The Book of Rabyd, I leave you with a country song and this was one of his favorites.  It also has a message I need to remember for myself.

Parting Thought:

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Ain’t that the truth.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – Generous Leader

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day

Journal Entry:

I miss being in leadership.  I also miss being generous.  That said, I understand the need for this hiatus from both right now.  I am healing from a lot of things and while I have seen wounded leaders do very well, I am also sure those same leaders collapsed when the crisis was over to heal themselves.  I guess I am just healing and life itself will determine when I get back into the action.

“A leader should be silent, thoughtful and bold in battle.”  It is what I strive for and the virtues of being self-reliant, industrious and hospitable all do their part in the actual activity of trying to be that kind of leader. All the virtues really do but it is these three that guide me in the kind of leader I want to be.  Self-reliance tells me that if I am not willing to do something myself, I shouldn’t ask someone else to do it. Industriousness tells me that if I want those under my leadership to work hard and enjoy their work, I need to do the same.  Hospitality says I need to reward those who do a good job for me well and not be cheap or stingy.

The last line of Havamal stanza 15 points out this in a lifelong attitude that must be cultivated.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual but also for the family, clan, tribe, and nation.”

Principle: To achieve and maintain personal independence and advocate for independence in my family, state and nation.

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by the end of June 2019 or before.

Bucket List: To own and run my own successful business or company.

I can’t emphasize liberty being the key to prosperity enough. Throughout history, liberty and prosperity go hand in hand and that is no accident.  I will remain an advocate for liberty for myself and others until that day of death.  It is a very noble cause to fight for.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published.

I struggle at times to enjoy doing my current job. It really is my own mind about as it isn’t a terrible job. It is probably my own frustration at not moving toward a new and better paying job that I would enjoy more than anything else.  I don’t want to feel stuck in anything ever again and so that is probably more on me than anything else.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader of a support group of some kind.

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

I always stand ready to help, but there is still this healing issue that kicks in from time to time. Part of it is my need for counseling to assess the progress of my healing and where I need to go. I don’t want to be guilty of “physician heal thyself” when I may not be good in the eyes of an objective mind.  I want to know for sure that I have been helped before I help others in the same way again.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I struggle with the fine line between vengeance and seeking justice. Coming to terms with the fact that justice may never happen and moving on also can be difficult. I want to be at peace but there are always the internal struggles that keep me from that and I would like them to end.  Mostly though, I just try to not let my personal pain spill over into my relationships with others.

 Daily Routine:

  1. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  3. Reading – half-hour. Priority order: work, school, pleasure
  4. Study / Homework / Research: half hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
  5. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, other actions, etc.
  6. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  7. Weekly Routine Items
  8. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

I really want to focus on the daily and morning routines once school is over completely.  This is the last week of last things with that.  I do some of the things on this list automatically so that is good. The rest is work in progress.

Still walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Of Wolves and Ravens – A Living Definition of Justice

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Discussion:

Defining justice is not easy especially when you have realized a couple things. 1) That there is no such thing as fair. 2) There may not be an afterlife or a supreme being to balance the scales after this life is over.

The first means that justice is not based on fairness so much as equitable treatment of each person as much as possible.  No matter what might seem fair, it isn’t always going to happen. Something you can either accept which will give you a lot more peace, or fight which will lead to personal strife.  Hopefully, the price of that strife is worth it, so the peace that follows more than makes up for it.

The second notion is a little harder to accept and one of the reasons I think belief in the afterlife with a supreme being that balances all the scales of justice is a common concept among many religions.  It might just be wishful thinking to a childish hope.  It might well be that you may be the victim of a crime or an injustice and there will never be any resolution to it in this life or the next.  What do you do about that?

For me, I have decided that it is more important to act justly than receive recompense as my personal definition of justice.  I may never see justice done to certain people that I think deserve it, but I can treat people with just dealings that fit a certain definition of justice.  I can behave justly, so perhaps this definition works best:

Justice: Just behavior or treatment of others, a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

Needs (Geri):

I need this sense of justice in my life as I deal with others. I don’t always like the people that I deal with, but there is still a need to be respectful of others’ humanity regardless of personal feelings.  Being respectful has its own rewards. People also know when that respect is genuine or not. That means there is a need for this definition to be more than lip service but a genuine lifestyle.

Wants (Freki):

If you want to be treated justly, you need to treat others with justice.  Even though you may not receive it at times, you will never receive justice if you are a person who never gives it.  If you play favorites, don’t be surprised if people do the same back. If you do treat people equally, then you have a better chance of receiving the same in return. Personally, this is why my definition of continues to be about respect for everyone’s humanity.

Reason (Huginn):

Reason address the subject of mercy verses rightness.  I have pretty much abandoned the notion that forgiveness should just be given.  I find a whole lot of injustice goes on and it basically white-washed in the name of forgiveness.  A lot of injustice takes place and is glossed over in the name of ‘God will fix it later’ or ‘it’s better for you to forgive’.  Reason tells me that those two statements might not be true.  Sometimes when you receive justice in this world for wrongs, that’s when you find peace. It is also more responsible to act like we are the only instruments of justice and not believe blindly that others will do it for you later, even a supreme being.

Wisdom (Muninn):

The wisdom issue is when to forgive and when to demand justice. I forgive a lot as most things are just not worth crying or expending the emotional energy to achieve in regards to justice.  Life isn’t fair, so many things are just a reflection of that and you can spend your life bitter if you don’t let a lot of them go.  There are a few things and they center around I know that I won’t be at peace until I see the scales balance.  It is identifying these issues and how to approach them knowing that I might never receive justice. Patience again is key but also knowing the fine line between vengeance and justice.

Conclusion:

I have about three things in my life right now that I struggle with concerning justice, the rest is just noise and things I forgive most of the time. These things haunt my dreams and thoughts almost every day.

1) I struggle to still respect the humanity of certain people, it is hard being equitable at times when you see douchebags get away with shit in how they treat others.

2) I still struggle with how people perceive me as more responsible for my affair than the young woman with whom I was involved.  The only thing I hold against her is that she really hasn’t or I haven’t heard of her doing much to correct this notion. I would give it as much thought as the rest of the issues in our relationship – chalk it up to love lost and ‘that’s the way some relationships go’  except for this one thing.  Hurts, but I can live with most of it. I wish her well for the most part.  The favoritism toward her, which is unmerited in my opinion, and she doesn’t seem to have ever done anything to correct herself that bothers me.

3) The man who handled things ‘for me’ in front of the church claiming to be my friend. Yeah, my hope would be to see poetic justice done where his lifestyle of lies is revealed for what it is. He is as phony as a three dollar bill, but some people think he is a good man.  I know better now.  He dumps anyone who is no longer of use to him, as evidenced by the people he has broken faith with who are in a long line of broken relationships behind him. When they no longer serve his purpose or are an advantage to him, he dumps them often deceiving them in the process.  It is a pretty clear pattern going back quite a way.  If I saw poetic justice done to him, I would clap. If I had the chance to be a part of it – yep, no hesitation to pull that trigger.  I just patiently wait to see if it will ever happen or I will be given the opportunity, as I know it would give me a great deal of peace to see it or help it along.

See the source image

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Book of Rabyd 2:4 – “No One’s Happiness but My Own is in My Power to Achieve or to Destroy”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Text:

“No One’s Happiness but My Own is in My Power to Achieve or to Destroy” – The Book of Rabyd 2:4

Sermon:

Originally this Quote by Ayn Rand was The Book of Rabyd 2:10; but with my desire to remove duplicate quotes as far as quotes from the same people, she jumps to 2:4.  This also presents a problem of the fact I have eliminated about six verses at this point so some new people to quote from will be necessary to get the other points.  I may jump ahead to chapter three and then drop those verses from chapter 2 in when they come to me. The Book of Rabyd is after all not a closed canon of scripture like some.

This statement is more complicated the more you meditate on it. But let’s break it down.

The first concept is that you cannot make people happy.  I think this is the most enlightening thing as I have watched people give their all trying to make others happy and then get frustrated that 1) They fail or 2) They are not happy themselves.  There is a lot of energy saved emotionally and mentally when you figure this out.

You can make yourself happy, in fact, your own happiness is the only happiness that you can really strive to achieve.  You also are the only person who can destroy your own happiness.  That is not to say that others can’t affect your happiness or life and general, but how you perceive, interpret and/or act about those things that determine your happiness and those are all in your power to do.

That’s not to say your emotions cannot be entwined with another.  I think Heinlein’s definition of love is applicable here.  The notion of love being where someone else’s happiness is essential to your own and vice versa. In the case of love, even here through the choices and who has the power over your happiness is still you.

In my own life, this principle has been difficult, even though the truth of it resonates with my soul.  Being an empathic person kind of causes people’s emotions to affect you at times, like it or not.  That said it is still my choice of whether or not to let that affect my happiness in general. I find also that memory can be a difficult thing to deal with at times.  I have choices to make about each and every time I remember things because my memories are highly emotional which of course causes me to relive them like they were yesterday.

All in all, though, the principle is true.  It is just you might have to make a lot of decisions and fight a lot of battles to stand on that mountain top of happiness.  It is, however, your power to achieve or destroy.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – The Book of Rabyd 2:4 – “No One’s Happiness but My Own is in My Power to Achieve or to Destroy”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Suns’ Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “Wash It All Away” – Five Finger Death Punch

This song is on my playlist but for multiple reasons.  After my series with the Book of Rabyd, I will be doing a series on spiritual concepts that are universal and one of them is going to be ‘baptism’. This song inspired that idea although it goes back to an idea that someone else suggested to me before I left the ministry. Five Finger Death Punch is a new band for me in many ways, but I like the energy of this song.  The bridge is also very expressive of my emotional state at times:

“I won’t change for you

and I can’t take the pain

There is nothing you can do

and nothing you can say”

Poem: “I Speak to a Ghost” by The Ruined Man

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Don’t have a poem of my own this week so The Ruined Man will speak for me this time.

Meditation: 

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Song of Preparation: ‘Shut Up and Dance With Me’ – Walk the Moon

Just a feel-good song, we are talking about happiness after all.

Text:

“No One’s Happiness but My Own is in My Power to Achieve or to Destroy” – The Book of Rabyd 2:4

Sermon:

Originally this Quote by Ayn Rand was The Book of Rabyd 2:10; but with my desire to remove duplicate quotes as far as quotes from the same people, she jumps to 2:4.  This also presents a problem of the fact I have eliminated about six verses at this point so some new people to quote from will be necessary to get the other points.  I may jump ahead to chapter three and then drop those verses from chapter 2 in when they come to me. The Book of Rabyd is after all not a closed canon of scripture like some.

This statement is more complicated the more you meditate on it. But let’s break it down.

The first concept is that you cannot make people happy.  I think this is the most enlightening thing as I have watched people give their all trying to make others happy and then get frustrated that 1) They fail or 2) They are not happy themselves.  There is a lot of energy saved emotionally and mentally when you figure this out.

You can make yourself happy, in fact, your own happiness is the only happiness that you can really strive to achieve.  You also are the only person who can destroy your own happiness.  That is not to say that others can’t affect your happiness or life and general, but how you perceive, interpret and/or act about those things that determine your happiness and those are all in your power to do.

That’s not to say your emotions cannot be entwined with another.  I think Heinlein’s definition of love is applicable here.  The notion of love being where someone else’s happiness is essential to your own and vice versa. In the case of love, even here through the choices and who has the power over your happiness is still you.

In my own life, this principle has been difficult, even though the truth of it resonates with my soul.  Being an empathic person kind of causes people’s emotions to affect you at times, like it or not.  That said it is still my choice of whether or not to let that affect my happiness in general. I find also that memory can be a difficult thing to deal with at times.  I have choices to make about each and every time I remember things because my memories are highly emotional which of course causes me to relive them like they were yesterday.

All in all, though, the principle is true.  it is just you might have to make a lot of decisions and fight a lot of battles to stand on that mountain top of happiness.  It is, however, your power to achieve or destroy.

Closing Song: “Don’t Stop Believing” – Journey:

Just the lyrics so you can sing along.

Parting Thought: 

 

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Yes, they do.  When it comes to happiness you never know who or what will come along to brighten your day.  You do have to be in the right frame of mind to be on the lookout for it.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Skald Tales and Poems – Poem – “Salt in My Wound”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Poem: “Salt in My Wounds” by Edward W, Raby, Sr. – Written April 13, 2019

 

Once you were the spice of my life,

You kept me from spoiling

You were the flavor I needed

You made life less plain

 

Then you left me

laying in a pool of my own blood.

Leaving a wound

a void from your knife

 

Now memories of you are salty

Burning as they are applied to the scar

Salt in my wound

Preserving the regret and the pain.

 

– Ed Raby – April 13, 2019 –

 

Commentary:

Without a doubt this was the easiest poem I have ever written.  At least as far as time and feeling are concerned. Took me literally just five minutes.  Even more striking is how little over the last week I have edited it.

Miss Salty, as I called her, helped me through a lot.  She is definitely wiser and smarter than her years would say.  But this whole thing in reflection was a doomed voyage like the Titanic. Right now memories of this whole thing are bitter-sweet. Salty like she was.  They hurt and yet I hope they bring about some cleansing like salt removing infection.

This poem is very much about love lost.   Regrets that are repeated over and over, and so the sting of memory is there every time. I originally thought I would add another verse but then I am trying to experiment in letting my experiences and feeling resonate with others, so another verse might make things too specific.  The reader can fill in their own lines of regrets and their own pain.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!