Depression

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – Navigating Stormy Seas

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day. 

Journal Entry:

Last week it was talk of a master plan.  This week it is trying to find a course to chart.  If I have a weakness here it is figuring out where I want to go from here.  I guess it is on the one hand understandable.  After doing one thing for twenty years, going a completely different direction which is in large part unknown is difficult.

I guess sometimes, I do feel like the viking boarding the ship and the notion of that captain is to just set sail into uncharted territory and see where we land in the end. You still have to pick a direction to sail, and that is the thing. What direction to sail?

There is also the issue of The Grey having created a bit of an emotional storm to navigate.  It is; however, subsiding a little. I guess I still struggle with unfinished business. I still struggle with not being able to end certain relationships the right way. They need to be ended, but they kind of don’t sit well with me right now. I guess I still struggle internally with trying to figure out the just way of doing so.

I think I have made  the decision to follow the business path as my basic compass direction.  I think it is the path that will allow me to use skills I already have and my education to the best use.  I am thinking a fully online MBA while I work in business; from an educational point of view, would be a good next step there.  I just don’t know where specifically this will take me. What shore will I ultimately land on.  Well that is the adventure part, isn’t it?  To pull out of the storm, I could really use an adventure right now.

I also have decided to actually make a plan for writing that novel.  That is my bucket list item and it could be a career if I get one novel to be published the right way,  It is something I can do in a few hours a week at first.  I have participated in National Novel Writing Month a few times and know you can write a lot of things in a short time.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

I guess the issue here is that I feel I have achieved self-reliance of a sort for myself and my wife.  I mean we could use greater prosperity, it is the line about ‘family, clan, tribe and nation’ that I ponder from time to time.  It may affect my career path and affect me decisions about what course to set and what education to pursue.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

I work hard.  I enjoy working.  I want to enjoy my career again.  I haven’t felt that enjoyment of occupation in about three years now. I want it back because it really gives you a sense of purpose.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

I wrote on hospitality yesterday.  I guess right now I am meditating on how to be a person who people feel at home in my presence. It is an interesting thing to think on.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I struggle with justice.  I don’t vengeance, I want justice and that is much harder to achieve.  Probably at the center of the source of this storm right now is this desire for justice and knowing it might never happen.  There is also the notion that perhaps the scales are balanced because I am not exactly innocent here, but then again real friendship shouldn’t be about guilt or innocence.

 Daily Routine:

  1. Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging
  3. Reading / Study – Half-hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
  4. Clear In Box/ To Do List
  5. Financial Transaction Input
  6. Carb Count – currently one a day.

Daily stuff can be the greatest struggle during the Grey.  I give in to the temptation to skip things a lot during these times, but I notice when I don’t I get a little better, so things do get done. Just not everything some days.

Goals: 

  1. Be transparent with my wife to improve communication
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship.
  3. Find a new, better paying job by the end of March 2019 or before.
  4. In 2019 have  a clear budget and financial plan working by the end of the year.
  5. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  6. Keep gym membership going somewhere and lift weights minimum of four times per week and walk minimum four times per week through end of 2019
  7. Follow Paleo Diet completely and use intermittent fasting until the end of 2019
  8. Cross one thing off bucket list every six months (Deadlines July 1st, and December 31st of 2019)
  9. Be in the best shape I can be by March 18th, 2019 (50th birthday), take pictures.

I made finding a new job a goal by the end of March now, it is simply a practical change seeing I haven’t found one yet. I don’t keep track of goals that either don’t pan out or I have to modify. You never want to focus on your failures.

Goals achieved since Summer 2018: 1

Budgeting: 

  1. Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
  2. Debt Snowball
  3. Fully funded Emergency fund
  4. Invest 15% of income into retirement
  5. Pay off Home Early
  6. Build Wealth and Give

Tax time coming.  I am hoping that step one will be in place because of it.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – The Storm

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

If someone were to ask what is the most difficult thing for me right now it is to be positive about my future. This is an essential element to my understanding of personal honor. The reason is that the past right now, and memories of it, are very strong.  February last year is the time when things really started to go off course and I ended up in some very stormy seas because of it, all the way to the end of summer. I unfortunately has a dream Tuesday of last week that kind of supercharged all that because there were two people in that dream that were center stage to all that. Both of which hurt me pretty badly, and both of which I now regret ever being involved with in the first place. I also have my own demons from my own actions that were not in line with what I would consider good virtue.  MY introspective moments seem to lead to the following observation.

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The real need right now is to look to the horizon and see my course. The drag on that is the storm of The Grey, memories, self battles and negative feelings about last year.  I am trying very hard to look at this as phantom storm because it is really not there; but at the same time, it is. The cold reality sometimes is that some memories never fade and some scars never completely heal. I will probably carry some of this the rest of my life.  My hope is to find a way to adapt and see past it.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

Honor.  It’s a difficult word because it very much involves looking toward the future with a positive eye.  I am doing that positive part more as a matter of discipline than feelings right now. That makes the honor thing a little shaky because I don’t feel honorable.  But honor, the real stuff is a little deeper than feelings. I need to remember that more and more.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

There is some truth to the idea that on some days courage might be displayed in the fact that I get up and face the day. Getting out of bed a couple of times last week was the most courageous thing I did. Mostly though I am finally seeing that some days are just a grind and I need to just move and keep walking.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

Truth is I am at that point where things are just work.  Not the good kind of work either. It is just the day-to-day of doing what I need to do with that numbness that accompanies The Grey.  The reason I hate this is it reminds me so much of how I felt just a year ago as I would saddle up every morning on Sunday and go to preach.  I hate that feeling, but the only remedy I have found is to keep doing what needs to be done and wait for it to fade. I just don’t know how long that is going to be given the memories are pretty strong that keep stirring things up.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I have one thing that seems to light my way these days – Love.  I love my wife and I am working very hard to show that as much as possible. At the same time I fear that I am doing things purely to make up for what happened last year; out of guilt, and that is really not the kind of love I want to express.  More of a love that is new and fresh.  A new horizon kind of love.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation
  4. Full Body Stretch
  5. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  6. Get Dressed for the Day

Pretty good.  It is hard to develop new habits, but my best bet for doing so is in the morning. It also has been providing motivation to get up every morning; and once I am started, I don’t seem to have trouble in keeping going.

Bucket List:

  1. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
  2. Get My Tattoos.
  3. Actually Get Drunk.
  4. Smoke a Joint.
  5. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
  6. Write My Novel.
  7. Learn Latin.
  8. Learn Hungarian.
  9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.

I need to reassess what is possible by July.  But these things could be the kind of things that pull me out of the Storm.  One victory here might be the key to having the summer not be so draining.

Weightlifting:

It is these kind of emotional moments that make me miss the gym and my iron.  The iron never is anything but what it is. I miss the consistency of it.  I really hope i find a new job soon and that it is close to a new gym.  In the meantime, I am thinking a few dumbbells and a simple folding bench might be my answer so I don’t go completely soft.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Skill in Battle

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

When it comes to being ready for the battles of life and developing the skills I need as warrior of life, it is the Self Virtues that do this most. Discipline has obvious implications but there is also the perseverance and fidelity virtues that teach me that continuing to  strengthen my resolve and relationships leads to being a stronger and more skillful warrior of life as well.

These also are the ones that help with The Grey the most.  This had been a bad week as far as how I personally feel, probably triggered by some bad memories and a bad dream I had Tuesday night.  No, I don’t feel sad.  That’s not what depression does for me.  It just makes me feel numb.  I found this on the internet this week that describes it perfectly.

Image may contain: text that says 'People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to g0 back to bed again. HealthyPlace.com'

It is this feeling that is The Grey. But I am the Grey Wayfarer – I keep up the Discipline of walking through it. I Persevere and I close ranks with my Circle in Fidelity.  It is the only ways I have found to combat The Grey and numbness that goes with it.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

I do struggle with the discipline of life when I get like this.  The temptation is to just stop and exist.  But I keep getting up and doing my routines and sticking to my plan because eventually it is the thing that gets me out of it. It is the thing that develop’s the skills I need to fight it.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Keep walking.  I guess I can say about this week when it comes to Perseverance. I keep walking.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Close ranks, stay loyal to family and philosophy and keep moving.  These are the strengths of fidelity in The Grey.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Keeping Balance in times like these is difficult.  Love is hard because you feel nothing and Justice is hard because you are self-absorbed in times like this.  Wisdom however at items has fertile ground in these times of depression for me. You have to be careful and keep it in context becasue as I have said before The Grey makes it hard to see clearly at times, but it is the coming out of the grey clouds of depression, that usually I have a moment of insight.  A minor epiphany does happen and things get better. Balance returns and wisdom grows.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 1

The dropping of the cheat meal to one has really been a challenge here. I do however think I have a plan for weightlifting as I may simply purchase a few dumbbells to at least keep my muscles toned at home, until some final decisions regarding a gym can be made. This might also be helpful in times when life gets busy.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

Still a challenge, I need to simply get in my head that supper time is the trigger to working through it and I will be OK I think.

Nutrition:

This time of special nutrition has been in many ways a really good thing.  I haven’t been able to lift or walk and so it is keeping me from blowing up like a balloon.  Of course there is the thing of the stress level in my life being lower because I no longer carry the burdens of a lot of other people now that I am out of the ministry. That has had a good effect on my health as well.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – The Foundational Virtues have been good this week.  Courage is more than a warriors virtue, it is a life virtue and having the courage this week to just get up and function has been the difference maker.

Business – I focus on what needs to be done here.  I need an overall career plan at this point and then I need to start executing it.

Self – I can’t tell you how many times the Discipline of the Routines and just my dogged determinism to not quit kept me going this week. I am glad I established these things because it is they that help me the most when depression hits.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Finding Peace and Rest (Part 3)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Concluding this week of Finding Peace and Rest we end with the Self Virtues.  The Foundational Virtues provide overall philosophy and the Business Virtues provide dealing with others.  Self Virtues are primarily about dealing with one’s own self and thus that is where they provided peace and rest. I feeling of personal calm and serenity is the goal here.  The image of the meditating warrior who is at peace with himself and thus at rest is what is evoked here.

Self Virtues provide Peace and Rest through habit and a positive mental state.  I could say that even when I am at work, I am at peace and I am at rest when these virtues are still in the front of my mind. Discipline provided peace and rest because it eliminates worry and confusion as it step by disciplined step helps me grow and come to terms with what I am trying to become. Perseverance will of course will not allow me to be defeated, which means I will win and find that peace and rest on the other side of victory. Fidelity provides rest in that I know I am loyal to those who have shown loyalty to me, and rest because I can find rest in knowing where I stand with each person.

With these in place a full picture comes to mind of a meditating warrior king on his throne, presiding over a prosperous kingdom at peace and at rest from war. This is not chance but living of all the Nine Noble Virtues (NNV).

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Discipline is what leads to habit and habits re-sculpt us into what we want to be. In my mind bad habits are simple discipline gone bad. Good habits are the result of discipline that is directed toward an image of what you want to be. Applying this to everything it can be applied to has been a wonderful challenge. The thing here is that I will continue to do so so that one day when I get the chance to help develop others again, I will have the insight to do so.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

If there is one virtue that comes so naturally it is like breathing, it is perseverance. I guess my family has a little to do with this as ancestrally we don’t quit. But the day personally this was really put to the test was the day I got up for my second football practice in High School.  That took a lot of perseverance and it is a character trait that has stuck with me ever since. Right now it is helpful as memories of past failures are constant but I keep going despite them.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Who has been loyal to me?  They get my loyalty in return.  That circle is small and elite. This virtue has at least the simplicity of being easy to understand. Harder to execute sometimes.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Wisdom is not hard here when you get a look at the big picture of Peace and Rest.  life always has the challenges to living and survival and the goal of peace and rest is difficult at times at best.  Mostly though it is the choosing of the right path where wisdom is most needed. It is these crossroads and forks in the road of life that peace of mind and rest of spirit puts you in the best frame of life to make good decisions.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 2

The truth is weightlifting and walking are non-existent right now but I keep them on the list as a constant reminder of what is needed yet.  Cleaning and Writing go off without a hitch most weeks and the cheat meal count has worked well this week and it keeps me mindful of where I am at with that.  I am thinking that I can start to collect dumbbells for the purpose of weightlifting.  Walking is really not a problem when the weather is nicer.  I wish I had winter gear worth a damn but right now the cold and snow are extreme in Michigan, so no walking for me. Spring is a couple of months away.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

This is a challenge like I thought it would be.  I think the trigger for the routine needs to be supper time.  That is when so far it has worked the best when I go right from eating to the routine. There is a gap sometimes between reading and going to bed that way but at least it gets done.

Nutrition:

The big change this week is that I will be tightening up the diet starting Sunday to one cheat meal a week and one carb source a day. This won’t be normal, but it is the lead in for building up to being in the best shape I can be in for my birthday.  The month before that the goal is no carbs for a month. Intermittent fasting is now pretty much every day as I don’t eat the first eight hours after I wake up.  So far this is not hard.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – This weeks theme of peace and rest starts here.  Honor, Courage and Truth are what leads to both and I am learning how much that is true.

Business – I am starting to have a vision of what I want to be and things are moving forward. I seek the rest and peace of Self-reliance, Industriousness and Hospitality. I feel optimistic about this area of my life.

Self – I still struggle with personal peace at times.  Made harder by the fact this time last year a lot of shit started and I am struggling with the memories of it. Mostly it was a lot of wasted emotional investment and struggle.  That said, I feel I am on the right path on this.  Just have to walk through The Grey.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 5) – A Time of Memories

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Thor’s Day

It is hard to believe but I haven’t written a The Grey and the Wayfarer post since early Yuletide. I have been busy enough; I think, to keep The Grey at least in check in my life and continue to walk the path. Recent days have seen a change in my mind I guess and mostly it is due to the fact that at this time last year, I began to start a time of year that is now a bittersweet memory. Mostly bitter in the end. It is not just a time of memory and struggle for me, but for my wife as well.  There is a flood of emotions about these memories for both of us and they run the whole spectrum, but mostly I notice that they have a depressive effect for me.

I think the best way to walk this path through The Grey is to firstly know that these memories are not just going to go away.  Ignoring them will not help me; nor will pretending they do not exist. That just leads to a worse mental state and that is not going to help.  There is a lot of guilt associated with many of them now, and I need to work through them to get over that.  Personally, I know it is going to be rough but I need to walk through it to make myself a better man on the other side of it.

The second thing I think needs to happen is that new good memories need to be created.  I have two significant milestones coming up during this time:  1) My 50th birthday – personally I don’t care if it celebrated, and I am not sure given last year who would come to such a thing, but it is a significant thing to be a half a century old.   2) My wife and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 10th. Given that we spent last anniversary apart, I think it is very important that we celebrate this one and do it together. I guess I would rather see a celebration here by family as well for a lot of reasons. Mostly we need a celebration of our love for each other.

In the meantime, every day is a journey of another step toward where I want to be.  There are many forks and crossroads ahead. I need to make wise decisions as to which path to take. The problem of course with The Grey, and why I am taking it pretty seriously right now, is that it is like an overcast sky that can make the things unclear and not as illuminated as they could be as I choose which path to take.  It is why I stick to my plans and goals with discipline, despite what I feel at times, so I keep moving.

The one writing note I have at this time is that I am planning on doing some fiction writing soon.  It has just been a little difficult to get my Muse to kick my ass into gear about it. I don’t know, she might be asleep or on vacation. In any case though, I have a lot of time off from work next week; and unless that changes, I plan on filling that with school, continuing my  job search and writing fiction.

Thanks to all that read this blog. You are appreciated.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – Finding Peace and Rest (Part 2)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day. 

Journal Entry:

Continuing my theme of Peace and Rest this week, I look to the Business Virtues and how they provide both of those.  Prosperity is not a bad thing. In fact I am reminded that the there are counter expressions such as ‘poverty is the root of all evil’ which I now feel are much more true than the Biblical quote.  Prosperity actually bring peace in that when there is abundance there is no need for strife.  Business is about achieving that prosperity, so there is peace and the opportunity to rest.  The image of a prosperous trading town with artisans and craftsman doing their business and building mutual prosperity comes to mind with this one.

The Business Virtues achieve this by providing motivation, means and a basis for ethics.  Self-Reliance provides the motivation because as I wrote yesterday it is about being free and independent.  Industriousness provides the means of achievement as work and enjoying your work leads to prosperity.  Hospitality provides an ethical basis for Business, that business is about helping others achieve their prosperity as well as your own.  You cannot be self-centered and ultimate succeed in business.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

I think at this point all things have kind of focused on the business finding the right job for me that I can do and provides greater opportunity down the road.  I refuse to do something that leads to stagnation and dead ends. I want a job and career path that helps me achieve independence.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

I have found I enjoy working regardless of what it is.  There is something about working that gives life a sense of achievement and that is probably why you hear me speak very little of retirement.  My idea of retirement is to own my own business and settle down to running it until they burn my body on a viking ship headed out to sea.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

While hospitality’s basic form is to help those in need, I feel there is an element of being a good person toward others in all business dealings.  Of striving to bring about the best situation for all considered so prosperity is shared and grown.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

Every decision I make regarding my business with others; in all its forms, is about justice, and doing the right thing at the right time in the right way. Being just and fair in all my dealings is a real goal for me.  But also I recognize when someone is not being just with me and I resist that.  I guess there is a motive to my rebellion at times to society and the system it creates – I want to see justice done.

 Daily Routine:

  1. Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging
  3. Reading / Study – Half-hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
  4. Clear In Box/ To Do List
  5. Financial Transaction Input
  6. Carb Count – currently two a day.

This has actually been hard this week because I have been fighting The Grey a lot. It is probably time for another installment of The Grey and The Wayfarer.  For now I will say  I think in large part the memories of last year have started as this is about the time my struggles with a lot of things became much more intense.  Memories always seem to have that effect with me until I create stronger ones.  The problem is the memories of last year are pretty intense and its going to take a lot to overcome them.  Thankfully on this list of daily tasks there are a couple of things that help with that.

Goals: 

  1. Be transparent with my wife to improve communication
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship.
  3. Find a new, better paying job by the end of January 2019 or before.
  4. In 2019 have  a clear budget and financial plan working by the end of the year.
  5. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  6. Keep gym membership going somewhere and lift weights minimum of four times per week and walk minimum four times per week through end of 2019
  7. Follow Paleo Diet completely and use intermittent fasting until the end of 2019
  8. Cross one thing off bucket list every six months (Deadlines July 1st, and December 31st of 2019)
  9. Be in the best shape I can be by March 18th, 2019 (50th birthday), take pictures.

My internship is officially underway.  I don’t think number 3 is going to happen but I will simply shift the day to the end of February and keep going.  I am not going to keep track of goals not achieved as I don’t think that helps at all. Nope, better to adjust,exercise some perseverance, and try again.

Goals achieved since Summer 2018: 1

Budgeting: 

  1. Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
  2. Debt Snowball
  3. Fully funded Emergency fund
  4. Invest 15% of income into retirement
  5. Pay off Home Early
  6. Build Wealth and Give

This is a pretty simple budget plan, the issue remains the income level to make it start moving faster.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – Robin Williams – What We Stay Alive For

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “Blame Canada” by Robin Williams (South Park)

One of my favorite moments of Robin’s career and oddly enough a song I have been singing from time to time these days.  I play a lot of a PC game called The Long Dark.  it basically an apocalypse simulator where a freak magnetic storm destroys all electronics and your plane crashes in the Canada wilderness.  You task is simply to survive as long as possible. As I am trekking along trying to find the next resource to survive I find myself on occasion remembering this song and singing the verse of it.

Poem: “Slow Dying Flower (poem about Robin Williams)” by Shay Callow

 

He was the brightest star the world had ever seen,
but no star can burn bright forever, although that was unforeseen.
He was a man who brought joy to all those around him,
so that he never had to show them how his life was grim.
He made them laugh until their stomachs hurt,
even though inside he was full of despair, sadness and disconcert.
Like a clown, his smile was painted on,
only when he removed it did you see the wretchedness in his deep blue eyes; that’s when it dawned
that he was a slow dying flower,
fading petal by petal and losing power
until the day he’d been poisoned enough by this ghastly world,
and he died once and for all by his own hand – that’s when the truth of his life really unfurled.

Meditation:

Image may contain: sky, text, outdoor and nature

Song of Preparation: ‘Why Do We Read and Write Poetry’ by Robin Williams (scene from Dead Poets Society).

I figured the man who said the quote today should be the one to say it. plus he adds his own commentary which is nice. It is a great disappointment to me that Robin didn’t win the best actor award in a leading role. He should have with this performance.

Text: What We stay Alive For – Robin Williams

“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

Robin Williams – “Dead Poets Society”

Sermon:

“O captain, my captain!”  I can’t tell you how much the Dead Poets Society shaped my life.  I still difficulty watching it as it is very sad, but if has a theme it is what Robin’s character is trying to get across the entire movie – seize the day, live life, find something that makes life worth living. Write your verse and make it a good one.

I have long taken the message of this movie to heart and this quote reminds me of something I need to remember.  There are many things we do to sustain our lives but there also needs to be the things we live for otherwise life isn’t worth a damn. There are many things that are noble pursuits but if you can’t get up and have something to live for then you’re going to struggle.

In my life right now i have spent a lot of time setting goals and establishing the discipline I need to achieve them. But I can’t say the overall aim is simply to live.  To exist. There is something in life we must have a a passion for or the reason to live will run out and we will find ourselves much like Robin himself. With no reason to continue.

I  for all I am worth that no matter what life throws at me I remember that what I may be doing in life that is noble and good, I remember I need something to stay alive for.  So reason beyond life’s purpose being life itself.  To go from being alive to living life. May we all find that.

Closing Song: Friend like Me – Robin Williams from Aladdin 

I don’t know that I will ever be able to look at Aladdin the same way again or in particular the genie without thinking of Robin Williams.  This performance and animation are some of his best work. It is a pretty unforgettable song

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, text that says 'People Will Quit On You! Truth Inside OfYou You gotta get up everyday and make sure you never quit on yourself.'

If I take any inspiration from Robin’s life it is to always make sure I get up and not give up on myself.  Something we all need to remember.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Skald Tales and Poems – Poem – “Soul Blood”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

“Soul Blood”

I remember in the heat of summer,

where blood poured from my soul.

Wounds received from terrible blades

from the front, behind and within.

 

Shades of crimson flecked with gold

Pooling beneath my feet and pouring over my hands

As they tried to stop the bleeding.

Vainly they tried.

 

Weak I was on my knees

Destroyed and anemic

My heart slowing

Empty, alone, dying

 

Echos of the voices that wielded the blades – mocking me

A good friend becomes betrayer

A lover becomes a stranger

My own silent faith, echoing in my ears.

 

For days I bled, with no hope.

Until the one I betrayed saw my wounds

She did not raise her own blade in vengeance

Rather she touched my soul with her healing hand.

 

The bleeding stopped just in time.

Her own soul blood poured into me and restored my soul

She closed the wounds with stitches of compassion

I now bleed no more.

 

The scars remain forever

Reminders of who wasn’t true.

But my soul’s blood pumps strong once more

Reminding me of she who became my Eir

A Poem by Edward W. Raby, Sr. – January 14th, 2019

Author Notes:

O have written this poem over the last week or so.  Finishing it on the 14th of January 2019.

In this poem I have been trying to capture the feelings of the month of August 2018.  Feelings that are strong and were at the time devastating. I came up with the title of soul-blood as a way describe it.  I then ran with the concept.

Emotionally this was difficult as one as on the one hand every time I write a poem I am reminded of the person who helped me understand and write them better.  “Lover becomes a stranger” is her line and it still hurts to think on it.  The scar throbs when I write a poem because of her, so to speak.

One the other hand, I have for the first time ever in this poem truly used my wife as an inspiration for the poem.  She is my Eir.  Eir being the Valkyrie known for her healing ability.  My wife became my Eir that month.  She has been so ever since and of all people she had the least reason to take on that role.  The Valkyrie I waited for at the time was her in the end.

Hope you enjoy this poem and I always appreciate comments on my poems as I still am very new to this.

Thanks for reading,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – Feeding Wolves and Listening to Ravens

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day.  

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “In The Year of the Wolf” – Motorhead

Poem: “My White Raven” by Just Patty

See the source image

As I was doing some poetry searches for the pulpit this week I found this poem.  It is a pretty tribute using the wolf and raven analogy and I must say it made me tear up a little.

Meditation:

See the source image

Song of Preparation: Raven Wing – Iced Earth:

Text:

“It’s OK to Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens First” – Ed Raby, Sr.

Sermon:

I suppose it was inevitable that I would include a quote form myself eventually in the Pagan pulpit. This one came to me sometime this last summer but it really didn’t become the mainstay of my philosophy until after the first week of August or so.  A reflection of lessons learned and a change of heart at that point in my life.  I have a poem I am working on that reflects some things that happened at that time.  Mostly though I came up with this line at that time that pretty much sums up a major tenet of my philosophy these days.  The core of it is this notion of Wolves – Needs and Wants  and Ravens – Reason and Wisdom.  This of course has been the core of the whole Of Wolves and Ravens series on philosophy, but I haven’t written directly on this expression in a bit and it bears repeating.

“It’s OK to feed the Wolves…”

It is OK to fulfill your needs and wants.  It’s OK.  I know religion and other forces want to act as some sort of control mechanism of defining good and evil, but in truth I am not sure such a distinction truly exists.  There are simply some ways of feeding the wolves that are not reasonable; nor are they wise.  As I pointed out last week, I don’t sit there waiting for someone else to make the moral decisions of my life for me. I make them myself, as it is truly only my responsibility to make them.  That said, I don’t think what I need and want is necessarily evil or bad in and of itself.  It is often how those needs and wants are met; what decisions are made in how to meet them, that either makes them beneficial or a detriment.

“…but Listen to the Ravens First.”

That’s where engaging our Reason and Wisdom before we just run off and start pursuing the fulfilling of our needs and wants.  To think about how thy should be pursued and for what reason is key.  Reason and Wisdom need to guide our pursuit.

It is probably and interesting thing in nature that Wolves and Ravens enjoy each other’s company in the wild.  They seem actually to look out for one another.  Wolves benefit from the advantage of having eyes in the sky and that caw from the ravens when something is nearby and the Ravens benefit from both company and the protection of the pack when they eat.

There is a lesson in all that for making sure that Needs, Wants, Reason and Wisdom work in harmony. The Ravens don’t Decry the Wolves and the Wolves don’t ignore the Ravens.  The respect each other and work together.  These forces in our lives should be made to do the same,

I don’t know if this saying; which as far as I can tell is my own creation, might of helped you today.  I just know when things get tough I bring it to my mind and ask what needs or wants do I need to fulfill and what the most reasonable and wise course of action might be to fulfilling them.  I feed my inner wolves, but I listen to the my inner ravens first.

Closing Song: Unwell – Matchbox Twenty

I found myself revisiting this song this week.  I guess when I fight depression it becomes a song of hope for me.  It’s doesn’t fit the Wolves and Ravens theme, but it makes sense for my week. This has been on of those ‘loss of interest’ depression battle weeks, but I think I am coming out on the other side of it now and mostly it is because of this song.

Parting Thought:

See the source image

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – Fiction Plans

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

In the last Rabyd Skald I mentioned my fiction writing plans were in the works and I want to follow-up on that by getting them a little formalized.  When people ask me why I write fiction, my response is pretty much that of all the writing I do, it is the most  therapeutic.  I have written fiction for release of anger, an expression of love, help in fighting depression and just about every other emotional release you can think of I have written fiction as a way to express it.

I also find fiction as a better way to teach concepts to people in the form of educational entertainment. Stories get into people’s heads faster than lectures. Professors are ignored at times but a story-teller they get attention even from the greatest skeptic and if you can slip in lesson that might contain wisdom people can use, so much the better.

As with all things on this blog, it tends to get done if I make a pattern or order to it and I am figuring my fiction writing is no exception.  Part of my daily blogging routine, really the last part of it, is to spend about a half hour writing fiction.  But what to write?  At the present time a short but incomplete list might be:

  1. The Grey Wayfarer Serial – based on Norse mythology.
  2. Rogue Wizard – another serial based on me as a main character but in an alternate timeline from my real life and where magic is very real.
  3. Skald Tales and Poems – This is going to be a type of post where I either write a short story or poem.  Mostly I want to challenge myself with these two things. I have hard time doing things that are short and concise and this should be a good exercise in doing just that,

There may be some other things that join this list but I want to make sure I will be consistent with them before I do add them.  Some ideas are for a science fiction series of some sort. I also want to toy with the idea o something similar to the Theology Pub from All Things Rabyd, but with my change in my belief system, it would be different in nature and probably different characters.  I am not sure of the setting either.  Maybe a mead hall or Inn of some sort with a Skald and a Bartender being the main characters.

As far as pages go for each of my fictional works they don’t tend to get organized by time so much as chapters (usually groups of twenty) for serials.  Skald Tales and Poems will probably be organized into Tales and Poems as two separate categories and then perhaps genre after there are greater numbers of both.  Time will tell on that one.

I want to thank those of you that come here regularly either on WordPress or Facebook.  You are great.  Maybe someday you can say you knew me when.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!