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Black Dried Salty Tears – A Poem

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

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Black Dried Salty Tears – Poem

Black

Poison, Night, Your Heart

Dried

Corpse, Riverbed, Winter Leaves

Salty

Soil, Bitterness, My Wounds

Tears

Of Sorrow, Of Regret, Of Lost Love

Writers Notes:

There are a lot of firsts in this post – It’s the first post after a long hiatus where I have been growing my YouTube Channel – The Rabyd Atheist, and trying to put my life together since discovering a lot of things about myself. I note some of the last writing I did was about my autism discovery and all that goes with it. It’s been a bit, but that part has opened more understanding of myself, and I deal with life more positively, and depression (referred to on this blog as ‘The Grey’) is much more manageable now. Not much has changed otherwise, but I am happier and my mental health is more manageable.

But I have missed writing. My favorite form of therapy is writing. Turning thoughts and feelings into poems, stories, and essays has been missing, and I feel now that on other fronts are better, maybe, just maybe, writing might take me to even better states of mind.

I also feel that I am expanding who I am on other fronts.

YouTuber – yes.

Influencer – Yes.

Writer -?

I feel it is time to genuinely add this one.

This poem, like all my poems, comes with a cost of writing. That throbbing of a wound made seven years ago by someone I loved very much, only to discover it was just a game to them. But she taught me to write better poems, and so I feel that was something positive that came out of the relationship. I just wish the scar she left on my heart would stop stinging when I write a poem.

This poem, in particular, was my recent exploration of how I now feel about this relationship after seven years of no contact. It was also my first use of a style of poem I haven’t used before. Single words followed by a list of others that the first word is a descriptor for, although I changed it up on the last one. Other than the form, I don’t think this one requires explanation.

Glad to be Back.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Self-Discipline and Details

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

This last month has been one of reflection on what my future holds and no matter what type of beliefs you have about the future, it falls to the person to either just let things roll or develop the habits and discipline to get where you want to go.

I have had numerous false starts in life. Ministry and Teaching in the Public Schools among them. Now I am looking at things as a realistic 54-year-old man and asking myself what to do now.

  1. I don’t think any type of professional career is available to me anymore. I apply to a lot of jobs and I get no responses. I now very much think that ageism is very real and it is unfortunately one of the few allowed prejudices. I am not going to give up trying to find a good opportunity closer to home, but I am being realistic about it.
  2. My regular job has some opportunities for advancement, but you have to be patient. Growth will come there but it will take some time.
  3. My YouTube Channel is very close to full monetization. This will hopefully be a side hustle, for now, that will give some added income.
  4. That leaves writing. Something I have a hit-and-miss relationship with but have always dreamed of being a published author. I just need to get passed the writing on emotions thing. Being a disciplined writer by the end of 2024 is a real goal for me.

It’s a real do-or-die moment for me. I am very likely autistic and hypertensive so self-discipline is key when I am not feeling it. The best time to develop things like this is when I am feeling well and not overwhelmed, which is now.

The main thing is to have the main routine in place once Spring comes. To that end, it is time now to begin practicing and getting things in place. But details are needed. I am now going to be on third shift so my day starts at 4pm when I get up.

Main Routine: (with details)

  1. Get up, Make my bed, clean the apartment
  2. Full body Stretch (Shower on days off)
  3. Email Check / Personal Business
  4. Youtube Video – 1 a day. (Watch Premiere)
  5. Read 1 chapter of a book
  6. Write 1000 words in my rotation. (Blog Article/Deconversion Story/Novel)
  7. Days Off: Repeat 5 and 6
  8. Prepare for work the next day or if not working relax.

Before Work: – Workout/Shower

Discipline: Diet – Carnivore Heavy.

One thing I think that has helped here is realizing autistic people tend to overreach and then get frustrated so learning to keep it smaller and focused has taken a lot of thought. Hopefully, I can build off this routine but in a way that I can actually accomplish.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Focusing My Writing

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

So what is going well?

  1. I am getting up and getting to the gym before work every day and haven’t missed a workout since I made this change.
  2. My YouTube Channel recently got monetized at least with memberships, superchat. 1000 subscribers and I am making regular content. Enough watch hours in the near future and I could have ad revenue as well. Nice side hustle in the making.

Everything else is either questionable or non-existent: Summer equals hypersensitivity run amok and hypersensitivity run amok equals depression. So how do I fix it? By adding only a few things and sticking with them through Fall, Winter, and Spring; so when Summer comes habits will be in stone so they are automatic.

I am seriously considering going back to the third shift. There is a promotion opportunity for one, but even if I don’t get it I could use the shift differential. It’s the wake-up routine, end-of-day routine, and writing focus that needs work.

The blog is largely about my writing for therapeutic reasons so I want to look at that. This includes reading, writing regularly on this blog, my novel, and my deconversion story (autobiography – memoirs), I am now asking if this is too much. I don’t think so I just think trying to fire this up in May/June was a bad idea. I need to do a wake-up routine that if I am third shift would include writing/reading and the same with the day’s end routine. Focusing right now is the key while my mood is good. I guess I am learning to use my manic phases to help with the depressed ones.

I have a new serial in the works based on something I posted early this year. Hopefully it will come out soon.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Preparation and Research – Update Post (Launch Date – March 18th, 2023)

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Just an update post in case people have been wondering where I have been. I have been doing the following three things:

  1. I have been getting my apartment to a place where it is functional with my routines and systems – not quite there yet but I have reached a point where it is the details and not big things, so it won’t be long before I am at a point where I am comfortable in my creative environment.
  2. Research – for writing purposes I have been reading a lot of Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition material. It’s good stuff and I find the 5th edition is a good example of things that worked in earlier editions and discarding things that were bad in those editions. Mostly I will be doing a solo adventure serial on this blog based on my solo adventures with my characters seeing right now I don’t have a group to play with. The great thing is that while it is hard to role-play by yourself when you are rolling the dice and doing the mechanics, the journal you do leads to some great stories. But I did make a decision to be very open to my first character being something else. I mean the whole thing is to take random dice rolls and gameplay and turn it into a story. The more random the better and that includes the main character. So I am going to randomize the first character and have the tools to do it now with some of my recent purchases of DnD material.
  3. Preparation – This is mostly in regard to my future YouTube channel as I have decided on a name and a direction. I have made a list of things to do so the Launch Date is set for March 18th for the first video and channel reveal. March 18th is my 54th birthday, so the launch coincides with a milestone for me.

Thanks for sticking around and the new subs. We are about to become more creative as I also have my Grey Avatar series that was just started in late February and soon a sci-fi one as well based on fan writing based on another game I play on PC. I appreciate everyone’s patience, but research and prep have taken up a lot of my time so I am up to speed when things get rolling. Peace.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

A Quick Post on a Busy Day

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Odin’s Day!

I am just going to post quickly but I wanted everyone to know I am making progress on a lot of things today I got some bookshelves and I am trying to get organized a little so I don’t have to do as much of it on my days off.

So today’s goals will be achieved relatively soon as they are as of this posting in progress. Part of this is the backdrop for my YouTube Channel, so it is progressing down that road as well.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Routines and Systems – Planning: First and Last Routines

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day!

Yesterday I determined my various foci for my life and this week is going to be all about figuring out which routines are needed and what systems need to be put in place. The real challenge is as a third shifter morning and evening are very relative for me. So the real issue is more of ‘what is the best time or most productive time for this. Coming up with names to describe it is a little more difficult. It’s not a morning /evening situation. It’s not a wake-up/go-to-sleep situation Eventually I went First and Last.

The First Routine is done right after I get up. So the focus is the best part of my day being used for things that are probably creative in nature I can see my writing/reading and YouTube Stuff falling in this slot. This also would involve anything that is about the philosophical application to life. It is also about Love, Family, and Lifestyle. So it involves relationships and cleaning for the most part. This is where I reset my apartment from a cleaning point of view and then get ready for work on a workday or move into the last routine if it is a day off. This is the big routine but once I get it going it will be pretty much automatic once I get out of bed.

The Last Routine is more about health and perhaps a few other things. But mostly health and doing it for the most part right after work or when off that day right after the First. I get off work and go to the gym, and talk a walk if the weather permits. Get something to eat and head to bed.

I change the focus name of Money to Lifestyle because then it is a little broader. That’s applying philosophy to various aspects of life, not just money although money is included.

I am going to try my best to put everything I can into these two routines. But what doe not fit usually becomes a system and systems are used for the routines. The issue is if I can get it into a routine I am more likely to do it and have it become a habit. Stacking habits together is important for this process.

What remains is that for the next six days, I will be taking the six areas of focus and figuring out what goes in each routine and where. I need to get this as close to right as possible but I know adjustments need to be made and I am starting this with a lot of knowledge of the past.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Learning to Focus

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

Right now I have the time to step back and regain my focus. I have certain areas of my life that I am trying to improve on and I need to refocus on them. So this post will be listing them and saying a few words to clarify for both you the gentle reader and myself.

  1. Writing – There are basically two habits I need to put in place and that is the writing itself, and no good writer is worth anything without also being a reader. But in reading I don’t want to read as much as I want to study the book I am reading. Quality of quantity.
  2. Media Presence – In this case Youtube Channel and all that goes with it. I figure at two videos a week I should be good. But that requires a regular system of recording, editing, and presenting.
  3. Health – Lifting, hiking, and dieting.
  4. Money – Multiple income streams. I need my job currently to make ends meet but I need more streams of income to pay off debt and get my cabin in the woods eventually. Minimalism and being a Stoic NNV following Viking are my means to this end and the subject of my Youtube channel.
  5. Love – I am not very good on my own. I need to fall in love again and have that woman in my life that makes me better. That said my system here is to simply be who I am and put that out there.
  6. Family – need to come up with a system that improves my communication with my kids and keeps it more regular.

So there are a lot of habits and systems to create here. I need to overlap and build them into morning and evening routines and other systems. Things need to overlap and support each other.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

A Few Small Setbacks

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

I was planning on moving into my apartment this weekend but the landlord is out of town. This only affects the start of things like my new YouTube Channel and a few other things like my routines. So a lot of things are in a holding pattern. Inhale, Exhale. Just a little longer.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Fatigue and Sleep Pattern Changes

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!!!

It was inevitable at some point that The Grey would make an appearance. This is what makes anyone who fights depression, win or lose, a little braver than most in my opinion. In my case the triggers are things like 1) returning to an old job and finding it feeling worse than it was before. 2) A nagging feeling of being a failure in teaching, even though I left for some very good reasons. 3) After visiting the apartment I had in mind, I now have some misgivings.

The misgivings about the apartment are the fact I will be dealing with some very religious folks who are the caretaker as they are a pastor and his wife. They were also people I knew by reputation when I was a pastor. The worst kind of fundamentalists in my opinion. Nice people but the world is one way to them to the point they can’t see other possibilities. The apartment is also bigger than I wanted. It could be a two bedroom with how big the living area is and with two big bay windows to cover heating is going to be murder. . If I have to pay the utilities for this, the expenses are going to be larger than I want. The real problem though is finding a place to live in this market. So I think this is the first feeling of a setback I have had since coming home to Michigan. That said, I might still take it because a lot of other plans depend on having my own space. It’s the weighing of options that is depressing me because I could live in a tent for a lot cheaper but it is too cold for that in Michigan right now.

Combine this with moving back to the third shift and the problems of switching to that sleep pattern and I am having some depression – yep. I am tired a lot more than I expected. I don’t need a lot of sleep but its shifting patterns mean sleep comes in short three-hour bursts at times. Not good.

So need to find new solutions and that means pulling my coat around myself a little tighter and pushing through and finding a way.

To-Do List 1-28-23:

  1. Visit to see my possible new apartment. – I have my misgivings if this is going to be a good solution.
  2. Generate novel ideas – brainstorm – only one novel idea comes to the surface and it involves a modern fantasy. It also involves being very adult. It also involves expressing feelings long buried, but I think it is time.
  3. List for YouTube Channel construction. – I have my list now it is time to execute. I have set my start date back because of my job to next weekend Feb 4th. Need to write an opening video outline at some point. I also need to find where I am going to record. The apartment thing had been my answer to this, but now I need something different.

To-Do List: 1-29-23:

  1. Go back to bed at 8am ( I am writing this at 5am) – this is the final effort to get some sleep at the right time.
  2. I need to write a workout plan for a five-day rotation. I really hope it gets warmer by March – I need to start walking again.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The Future

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day!

According to Norse Mythology Odin sacrificed one of his eyes to see the future. Right now my future is uncertain and would probably do the same to get some form of clarity as to what the future holds for me. That said I do not subscribe to the idea of a fate that is inescapable. More of a Stoic notion of fate where fate is more of what you can’t control in life and my attitude and actions in response or being proactive against what I know is coming is more the thing for me. The tapestry of fate has many weavers, but I weave my thread within it according to my decisions and actions.

There are many things I ponder as I look to the future. Currently, I am technically homeless living with my son and his significant other. I have a place to sleep and work on myself and I am content with this. I have some leads in the housing situation but I feel that takes time.

I do have a job that starts tomorrow so that is progress of a sort. I need to keep my eyes open for more opportunities but then again, I have other projects in the fire so a simple job of 32-40 hours is a welcome relief and allows me some time to pursue them. The real trick with Stoic philosophy is to enjoy where you are now and be present in the now. Learning to be ready to act in the moment is a big thing for me now and I make my plans accordingly.

What I now focus on is finding a way to make money doing things I enjoy and have alternative streams of income (passive if possible) that allow me to get closer to being more secure financially without being burdened with doing something I dislike. The job I now have will be a good base, I need to expand with a few things to make the situation better.

I had some success as a YouTuber, but I feel the focus of my channel was too niche at the time. I want to create something where I can educate and engage in my interests at the same time this time. Yeah, I am going back into that arena and I hope I can monetize it this time. But the work now is in the concept stage and I hope to launch on February 1st.

The other possibility is writing. I like writing and being a writer but I think I need to get my priorities straight about it. I need to write with selling it in mind. I can still write what I want but editing has to be more along the lines of what will sell to the public. What will they pay for? I am still in a meditative state on this trying to figure it out.

So now for the new part:

To-Do List 1-24-23:

  1. Store my belongings someplace safe – My car is still full of stuff and I need to deal with it.
  2. Apply for the apartment I found.
  3. Go to the gym and get a good workout in.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!