“Idunn – The Renewer” (Asatru – Part 8) – The Pagan Pulpit

September 1, 2019September 1, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: “Idunn” – Trobar de Morte

Meditation:

You either understand or you don’t.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon: “Idunn – The Renewer”

I know people might have been expecting Frigg, but Idunn is the goddess of spring, renewal, and youth. She is the wife of Bragi – the poet of the gods. I place her prominently because, to the followers of Asatru, she has become the patron goddess in many ways of the renewal aspects of Asatru. She is the one who is the most instrumental in the rediscovery and renewal of the old ways and making them new again.

In mythology, she figures prominently as the keeper of the golden apples of youth. When a god or goddess began to fade and begin to look old, they would come to her and take an apple and eat it. Their youth would then be restored. In the one-story where she figures prominently, she is the object of the giant’s desire, and she is captured by them thanks to Loki. Loki then is charged with rescuing her and he does. She is the wife of Bragi – the poet of the gods.

I like this version of not only renewal but the view of the gods. Even their immortality has a requirement from the universe for it to exist. It is not simply just there but requires renewal and that is the job of Idunn to grow the apples of youth and provide them when needed.

Rebirth and renewal and pretty universal pagan concepts. They appear in almost every mythology and are always considered in some ways vulnerable. That said, they are vulnerable not because they can be destroyed, but because they have requirements or locations which can be controlled by multiple people or things.

As spiritual concepts, renewal and rebirth are good ones. I know of no practitioner of paganism that at one point or another didn’t realize their need for a renewal of spirit or a rebirth moment from time to time. Stagnation and death are forces in this world and to avoid them requires renewal and rebirth.

To the Asatru movement, Idunn is a patron goddess who is thanked for her efforts in helping the Asatru being reborn and being given new life. To many, she symbolizes the rebirth of Neo-Paganism. In a sense, Asatru has been allowed to take a bite of the golden apples and be renewed after a long absence.

For me personally, the image and story remind me of several lessons:

1) I am engaged in a bit of a rebirth process for myself right now and as a 50-year-old man, it is a hard process. But rebirth and renewal are absolutely necessary if life is to continue. Change is a necessary part of life.

2) That what is precious should not only be honored but guarded. I look at the Asatru Movement and think also that while renewing and growing, it needs some sort of way to preserve it. The old ways were lost once before and perhaps finding a way to preserve this way of life against that possibility again is a good idea.

3) It also has to be concluded that in renewal, new things will be needed. There is simply too much lost, so the gaps will have to be filled with new ideas and concepts. New ways of doing things coupled with what we know of the old. Rebirth and renewal have that aspect as well.

Hail Idunn!!!

Parting Thought:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Objections to Christianity – The Justice of the Biblical God – An Unbalanced Scale” – Part 4 – (Revised August 2019) – Odin’s Eye – Theological Objections to Christianity

August 29, 2019August 29, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.

August 2019 Revision Notes:

It has been almost a year since I wrote these originally starting in November of 2018. When I got to the rotation in Odin’s Eye the last time where I was going to deal with these objections again, I saw no need for revision but rather simply laid it out there that no one had responded to them to that date and moved on into the rest of the Rotation for Odin’s Eye.

This time though I feel that I need to spend four weeks of Odin’s Eye doing some revisions that will either clarify my position, add some other thoughts or edit for other issues. Such edits will be marked by italics. When archived, they will appear under the original post on this Page: My Four Theological Objections to Christianity

Mostly though this is a cut and paste with some revisions. As the series goes on there will be more revisions as I can see the need for things to change a bit in the other three objections.

In part four, I felt the need to add a few paragraphs for hopefully a clearer explanation. But also there are some additional arguments that trouble me about the whole afterlife thing with Christianity. I also completely rewrote my conclusions.

Introduction:

I am wrapping up my four main theological objections to Christianity with the simple but profound fact that the god of the Bible is very suspect in as far as whether or not he is just and acts with justice. I would go so far to say that the god of the Bible does not follow his own clearly stated guidelines for justice – 1) “Eye for eye, tooth for a tooth” and 2) Restitution Included. Namely that the punishment should fit the crime and that restitution when merited should be offered. This is the standard of justice found in the Torah or Law of Moses. Jesus of Nazareth takes this on in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7 pointing out that the principles of justice were still valid and in fact because things should be done for the love of God, they were even more challenging. God expects Christians to still be just and follow his principles of justice. The issue is: does the god of the Bible follow his own rules. I would say not.

Faith:

From a standpoint of my own faith, the biblical god’s justice, and in particular the doctrine of Hell, has always been a problem. My standard answer throughout my days as a pastor to others that asked was that the justice of God was a mystery. That someday, we would know it all and see that this god was just to send people to hell. Even if they were people who we loved and who this god claimed to love. But it was more than that as some of the stories of god executing justice were a little lacking justice themselves.

Job’s trial is a good example where God allows the Devil to kill all of Job’s children and servants save a few and does it simply to test Job to see if he will remain faithful. The Biblical god’s answer of – “I am god, that’s why.” is a little lacking in reasoning for a supreme being for one and the whole situation is lacking in compassion not just for Job but for all the people slain for another. They all lived and died simply to satisfy a bet between the Devil and the almighty is a little much to reconcile with the idea of God is love. Stuff like this definitely tests your faith and it should.

Religion:

The thing is most religious responses to the justice of God dilemma is either to cite ‘mystery’ (read – I don’t have a reasonable answer, so I am going to punt) or our ignorance. Simply put they both attempt to give a god a different standard of justice than we follow. How convenient, but also telling that we cannot even use the standard of justice of ‘eye for an eye’ with the biblical god. The very standard that this god gives, he does not follow.

The fact that I used to come up with this double standard for god myself bothered me for years when I realized that is what I was doing. A standard of justice is only viable if it is evenly applied to all. It should be logical and consistent enough that it CAN be applied to all without exception. We have learned not to tolerate double standards between those that lead and those that follow, so why here? Why does this god of the Bible get a free pass for being hypocritical?

Religion does its damnedest to keep us from seeing this, and it does it by trying to make God so high his different standard of justice is justified. It sounds like a ruling religious class seeking to justify why they can impose rules on others that they don’t have to follow themselves. After all, they are ‘men of God’ and so as Cardinal Richelieu points out in the Three Musketeers movie in 1993 – “The Cardinal is not subject to the laws of men”. Easy to justify if you create a different standard of justice for your god and you then say you are subject to that standard, not the standard of men.

Theology:

But the Biblical God fails theologically and it comes out best in the doctrine of Hell and final judgment. Everything we will do is in a short temporal time of existence but everything about the final judgment of the god of the Bible is eternal. In short, this god is going to punish us in a way that is eternal and permanent for our behavior in temporal and non-permanent existence. This includes annihilation and eternal punishment views. The only thing that might save Christianity here as far as theology is actually the idea of purgatory where the punishment is redemptive and non-permanent. But even here there is a postulate that punishment can last centuries compared to the shortness of life.

So being burned like the rich man is said to be burned is somehow eye for eye and tooth for a tooth? In that story, the rich man is burned not because he defied god but because he had a good life and Lazarus was rewarded because he had suffered in life. Go look at the story (Luke 16) yourself, this is the rationale that is given. So because a guy had it good he is punished with burning fire? How is this eye for an eye? Justice would have been to have the two trade places for a second life, not that he is burned for a long time.

There is little justice in this story, just a god who on the one hand in the Old Testament tells people who prosperity is a sign of God’s blessing and then turning around and saying though that if you do become prosperous, the biblical God is going to burn you as punishment for it. In a full analysis of the biblical account not only are there many accounts where god’s justice is a little suspect but where he violates the very rules he sets forward because he gets jealous or angry. Like the other mythologies, the biblical god is very human and reflects probably more of the attitude of the author of that particular passage than the almighty that actually might exist.

More troubling to me recently in August of 2019 is the fact that no theology of damnation other than purgatory by the Catholics, and even then it only works for Catholics, allows people who gain heaven to appeal for those that they love in Hell for God to be merciful. I have to ask what kind of compassion anyone has that would allow their loved one to burn for all eternity? I mean if someone I love like my children or grandparents were in the eternal lake of fire and I knew this, I would have enough compassion on them to be in front of God every single moment of eternity begging for his mercy for them. How can you even say you have a compassionate heart if you believe that your fellow human beings are going to be burned forever and ‘that’s just the way it is.”

But that brings up a question of God’s mercy. Could you burn one of your children, parents, friends, etc. with fire forever simply because they violated your rules or didn’t believe something you told them? For me, that is definitely a ‘no’. My love for them far exceeds my desire for them to be under my control and doing things as I wish or that they absolutely believe me. If that is true for me, why is God then an unmerciful bastard about this? How is it that he the God that IS Love, has less compassion for some of his children than me? Perhaps because he is a concoction of men who were in power that desired to control through fear? Yeah, I would bet that is it.

Spirituality:

For me personally, I come back to the quote I have used before. If the god or gods are just then they will judge us based on the virtues we lived by. If they are not just, then they do not deserve to be served. If there are no gods then, we should live in such a way as to be fondly remembered. I worry less about an afterlife; because regardless, it is this life I must live either way. I choose to live based on virtue because, in the end, it is all I really have. My own personal responsibility for the life I live is mine alone. Cue Robert Heinlein.

Conclusion:

I will revisit these objections in the future with other thoughts. For now, if anything, these objections have gotten stronger and more detailed and still form a bedrock of why I think not only is Christianity a bad Idea, but I am now convinced it is largely a fraud. I would also contend that it has been used, much like Islam and Judaism as well, to deceive, control and manipulate others.

The most troubling thing to me is I know many Chrisitan friends and former friends have read these and you know what? Crickets. Silence. My eternal fate is not so important that they would even try to answer. Perhaps the real truth is that these objections have no answer and the basically constitute the god Yahweh to the rest of mythology and as another concoction of men and his flaws simply are a reflection of their thoughts about him being flawed. Because they had flawed standards of justice and ulterior motives, the God they created’s execution of justice reflects this.

It also speaks to the real beliefs of Christians. I know for a fact, that many do not actually believe. I was minister for 20 years and I lost track of the number of people in my churches who when questioned, basically had done one of the following: 1) They had picked and chosen what parts of Chrisitan doctrine or the Bible they liked and discarded the rest. 2) They didn’t really actually believe anything, they just went along with it for the community and to keep family happy. When questioned further, it all came back to one of what I call my four objections in some form as to why they didn’t believe or what they had chosen to discard. It for all of them had basically become tradition, not real faith or spirituality.

This to me now is the most damaging thing – why have spirituality in your life that is not genuine? Why do you have a part of your life basically be a fraud? Would it not be better to be truly honest with yourself about where you are spiritually speaking? It is my four objections that started me on the path to honest spiritual reflection and being truly who I am. I am now better for it and a better person in many respects. Mostly, I have stopped being a liar. This is the first real step down the path to finding truth.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Journey: Means or Destination?” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

August 26, 2019August 26, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

Over the last month, it seems that every discussion with family and friends turns eventually to a discussion of my future. Some of these I have started myself others have been presented to me. No one has really yelled or pushed, but there is a concern for my welfare that is appreciated because I am not always sure about my welfare myself at times when it comes to my future. Not that I am not concerned, it is just things seem far more difficult than I want them to be.

The issue for me is finding a new role mostly and that has me debating whether my future career is that role or is my role what needs to be defined and then what my career is will flow out of that. It is probably for us spiritual wanderers the basic question of what is the journey? Is it a means to enlightenment or is it enlightenment itself? If it the path that is a way to points that are what brings truth and thus change or is walking on the path itself the means by which truth and change are acquired.

I have struggled with this question at times but the answer is not either-or, it is both-and. All the questions I am trying to answer about myself right now are important. The way I am going to find the answers is in part the points on the journey where I stop and am enlightened, but also the walking of the paths of virtue also is enlightening in and of itself.

I suppose this expresses itself in the Virtues I follow and the Principles that guide them becoming the means to the change I need in my life. The goals and bucket list items becoming more of those points on the map where I can mark where truth and change were discovered. Both-And.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Honor is something that seems to me is a lost virtue in this world. I note how fluid people are with their beliefs on important matters and I have to wonder if it is truly a change in position over long thought which is the honorable way to do things, or simply bending to the political whims of the mob. I commit myself to do the former and not the later.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I have some items in my life right now that require courage and needed change. The question now is to act at the right time on them.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others. To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Facing the truth is difficult these days, there is far more struggle than I want to admit to ahead in my life. But I need to face the truth and act. I am coming to another time where courage and truth as paths are going to come together for a while and that is just the truth of it.

Higher Virtue: Love:

The main issue for me right now is that I feel I am loving others again but at the expense of loving myself. I keep asking the question of how much am I going to have to give up of what I want in order to make others happy and that is causing me to have flashbacks into the same emotional state I was in a couple years ago. Being both dissatisfied and restless. I know this means I am not loving myself enough and that is going to be tough for others when I make the shift here. The worry I have is a backlash and my personality doesn’t like backlash, but at the same time, if I don’t make some changes, I will have failed myself.

Morning Routine:

Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
Meditation – 3 min.
Check Communications and Email.
Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
Stretching / Yoga
Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day

The beginning of September marks a new round of effort on my routines. I am going to have to make some adjustments to the other two but this one is good and I simply need to be more consistent.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Objections to Christianity – Part 3 – The Cross and Empty Tomb – An Imaginary Solution to an Imaginary Problem”(Revised August 2019) – Odin’s Eye

August 22, 2019August 23, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 2 Comments

Happy Thor’s Day

August 2019 Revision Notes:

Mostly though this is a cut and paste with some revisions. As the series goes on there will be more revisions as I can see the need for things to change a bit in the other three objections. In part three, I felt the need to add a few paragraphs for hopefully a clearer explanation.

Introduction:

I know I will probably get a reaction out of this one and I am not trying to be provocative. I am simply trying to get people to see the logical problems of Salvation through Christ. Once you dismiss sin as a made-up concept, you could say that it is really unnecessary to go after ‘God’s’ solution to the problem, but the whole of Christianity revolves around Christ’s work on the cross and the resurrection to save people from sin and from eternal damnation. You might say it is the core doctrine no matter what flavor of Christianity you live by so it deserves some attention.

For the sake of argument, let’s concede sin is real. Then does the solution the Bible presents God has for it make any sense?

Faith:

Of course, the first thing that can be said is each flavor of Christianity stakes out is how said salvation is achieved with Christ. The faith versus works controversy starts right away in the first century. James and Paul go at it right in the Bible. Now I heard multiple explanations from both Protestants and Catholics of why James and Paul are not arguing about the same thing really but they practically quote each other with only one variation. One says salvation in Christ cannot be of works so no one can boast, and the other one says that without works it is impossible to show faith. No matter how you logically try to get them to be ‘defending the same salvation only from different directions”; it is contradictory. One is saying that works have nothing to do with salvation, and the other is saying it does.

So what this really shows is that even in the Bible and among early Christians, they had disputes and disagreements about how this works and thus it points to the Bible not being inspired by God, so much as it records those early debates among the faithful about how salvation worked. That makes the Bible very human and also not the Word of God because if God had actually wanted to tell us how this works; because it seems it would be the most important thing for us to know, he would have made it plain, straightforward and quite frankly non-contradictory.

Religion:

Of course, every flavor of Christianity goes even further with specifics and added on things to the doctrine of salvation in Christ. The Catholic Church plain out tells you that you can only be saved from death through them and no one else. Many Protestant denominations will tell you the same. My former denomination would tell people that they had the whole gospel, not just part of it. Salvation is complicated by religion because religion seeks to use these ideas to keep people grateful and faithful for telling those people their version of ‘the truth’.

In the end, I would say that each variation of salvation through Christ is presented in a way that helps the group presenting it. It is done to layout their other doctrinal tenants so their way of thinking about God is central to it all, and thus gives a theological force to everything they believe. Of course, this gives religion the guilt and punishment/reward options it needs to manipulate people.

Theology:

Religion aside though, my objections are theological – what kind of God do we have, who claims to be merciful and loving, but demands for his followers to be forgiving without condition, but doesn’t do so himself? It also brings up the question of the ability to forgive in that we are expected to forgive each other without condition because we can, even as sinners. Yet, a holy God can’t simply forgive without sacrificing his only begotten son in one of the cruelest ways ever devised by man. He must have this sacrifice or he cannot forgive at all, and I must have faith in it and the resurrection or he will not forgive me specifically. Worse yet if I don’t forgive others as a Christian, he won’t forgive me. He can choose to not forgive others and still be a holy God, but if I don’t forgive, I cannot be saved? So I, as a ‘sinner’, have not only a greater expectation than my creator; but also I am more capable because I can do this forgiveness without conditions, but he cannot?

This bit of ‘logic’ pales in comparison to the fact that in order to forgive us he must sacrifice himself to himself, to appease himself to save us from himself. See the problem? Well Ed, what if then the whole doctrine of salvation as it currently stands is man-made and that isn’t the real doctrine of salvation God wanted? How then would we ever know the real one? It seems a little too confusing for something so important as eternal life. My response that the current one is man-made? – exactly, and that is probably true from the start of Christianity to where it actually stands today. It seems to me that this idea is just as man-made because a supreme being could have come up with the simple plan to just forgive people. As Jesus is praying in the garden “if it is possible, let this cup pass from me” we would see the opening up the heavens and God saying -“You know what, I have a better plan – let’s just forgive people like I expect them to forgive each other.” That would be just, logical and consistent.

There is also another theological side issue – How much of a sacrifice is it really for Jesus if he knows for certain (which he indicates three times in the gospels) that he will rise from the dead? Honestly, if he knew that and most people who have faith believe he did and the text certainly seems to indicate he did, then it isn’t that big of a sacrifice? He knows he is not going to ultimately be dead in the end; so why not do it, as there is no ultimate risk to him? In the end, Jesus is risking nothing himself as God, just going through the inconvenience of temporal suffering. Why? To make a point? What point would that be, when there is nothing actually sacrificed in the end? He lives and knows he is going to live so why the anguish?

Spirituality:

I guess this leaves me with the question from a spiritual point of view as to what salvation is? Or does it? I mean, if there is no such thing as sin, there is no need to be saved from it. Of course, then I could be left with the question of what the real divine reality might expect from me? I guess the only thing then is to live a good life regardless of what that divine reality might be. Marcus Aurelius rightly observes, in my opinion, this in his famous quote on the good life.

Of course, you are kind of left to things yourself as to define what virtues you will live by to attain that good life. In short, what is defined as a good life is left to you.

Conclusion:

The implications of losing the whole notion of sin and a need for salvation have been very liberating. There is no guilt or shame in my heart or mind at all these days. I do try every day to be a better man than I was the day before. This, I have found is a far better way to live.

Better yet, is discarding the notion of a loving God who also sends people he loves to hell. Because the god of the Bible seems to have some major issues with justice, but that is the subject of the next post.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Funeral Pyre” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 10

August 21, 2019August 21, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Rogue Wizard’s Journal: January 25th, 2019 (cont.)

Of course, I hesitated for a moment, magical flames licking the edge of my fingers. The Grove had been my childhood place of growing up in my magical powers. It has been the place where my love and lover Elpis had been. Where we talked, laughed and loved. She had in many ways turned me into a man. Now, I was about to destroy the only thing left that represented any kind of anchor to the past. The last physical remnant to my magical childhood.

It hadn’t all been good. I suddenly realized I was standing the very place where Elpis had pronounced judgment on Lunette and removed, very forcibly, her wings. That whole thing led to Lunette and I having healing sex to cure me of magical disease, but the magic released also restored Lunette’s wings to the current state they were in. It was one of the most intense physical and magical moments of my life. It happened in the grove, but I was fairly sure, that Lunette’s parents’ home was gone. This twisted trunk was all that was left. An old throne, scars and a place of love turned to a dead coldness. How symbolic of my relationship to Elpis.

I glanced over to Lunette, our eyes met and she nodded. Then she looked away. I turned my attention back to the tree. My thoughts were racing and then I remembered the day Elpis cast me out of the Grove for good, my wife’s death and the breakup I had with Miss Salty. Anger welled up in me. Fire. The Fire of Fury.

“Amber. Now!!!”

Flames burst from my fingertips. Red and orange. As they touched the tree, I could see it illuminated from the other side by Amber’s flames. The flames from both sides burst quickly up the trunk. After a few minutes, I stopped casting my spell. It was no longer necessary as the tree’s magic was now providing the fuel for the fire. Soon the whole trunk was a burning beacon. The heat became quite intense. Elpis never allowed fire in the grove, and now I could see why in full glory. I didn’t have to tell Amber to stop as the heat required me and Lunette to back up some distance away and Amber joined us. We watched it burn.

“Well, the fae can stop spending so many lives to protect this place now from the hands of the wizards.”

Lunette’s voice was cracked, coming in gasps through her sobs. I said nothing. The tears were rolling down my face like rivers. We watched as the flames began to consume the trunk. Soon the whole thing was in flames and burning brightly. The magic of the tree being consumed by our magical fire.

Amber seemed a little distraught herself.

“Ed, this whole place is going to become very active, very soon with either fae or wizards. It’s not going to be safe for much longer.”

“Amber, we have a little time. This is a funeral pyre and it would be disrespectful to leave too early.”

Amber nodded and walked a little ways away from us, and I felt Lunette’s hand in mine. She grasped it with some desperate strength.

“What do you think really happened to Elpis, Edward?”

“She lost her fight with her inner demons. She came to hate who she was and then did what she had to end that part of her life. Suicide. But as an immortal, she couldn’t do that as a dryad. She had to become human. So she did, in a way. Her ghost will either slowly dissipate over time, or if her unfinished business is resolved, she will fade forever. She is still out there, I think, but there is no going back to where she was now, ever.”

“Well, the fae can stop fighting for this bulge in the line now. They can pull back.”

“That’s bad news for me. I am going to have to start living at the Mansion full time.”

“That has it’s own dangers”

“Tell me about it, but I am hoping to enact the plan soon. I need to disappear for my family’s sake.”

“Or die. I am not trying to be shocking, Edward. Because that would end the feud and then the Council would not give two shits about your family.”

“You didn’t shock me, dear. I know that would solve the issue too. Death will come for me in her own good time. I will embrace her as if I was laying down in bed with a beautiful woman. I just see no need to do it myself with so many enemies. One of them is probably going to get me. I just hope I am in a position to return the favor.”

Lunette moved in and I put my arm around her waist as she leaned against me. We watched the flames for a little longer. Amber broke our reflective moment.

“Edward, I sense that this is attracting attention. From both sides. Scouts will be here soon and we need not to be.”

“You’re right, just give us one more moment.”

I turned to face Lunette and she me. My arms went instinctively around her waist, and she put hers around my neck. I kissed her. I felt my magic get supercharged and she probably had the equivalent to a micro-orgasm, but we both needed to feel better and so a kiss was needed. I pulled back after a little bit.

“We need to go Lunette, there is going to be nothing left anyway.”

With that, Lunette, Amber and I headed back to the Mansion. The last remnants of the Red Tree Grove burning behind us.

Author’s Notes: Before this week, I hadn’t touched this chapter since May 27th, 2019. I think the whole Grey Storm thing just made it too difficult to write. I was also wrestling with how to do this. In the end, this chapter is simply a funeral for a character made as a labor of love and because of that love causes me pain now personally and as a writer. Elpis needs to be gone as much as possible, but she had to go with my own writer’s hand.

As I mentioned before this saga as a whole is probably going to come to an end very soon. The whole thing with the ‘death’ of the main character. I am putting ‘death’ in quotes because I want to still leave some air of mystery to this. You have to read the rest to know the true end of the Rogue Wizard.

Emotionally it’s hard for me to let go. I loved every moment of writing the Hedge Wizard of Redberg and Rogue Wizard is basically the endgame of that. It means letting go for good and moving on and I have a hard time with that when it comes to writing. But closure in this whole Miss Salty/Elpis relationship is going to come slowly I think for me, but I also think I can make it come a little sooner by closing this whole thing out and ending it. It will give me fewer memory triggers if I do, but I have to trigger some memories to get there.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Freya’s Chambers: Introduction and Opening Thoughts” – Freya’s Chambers

August 19, 2019August 19, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Disclaimer: The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues. If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.

Opening Remarks:

In today’s modern world, sexuality is a difficult topic, to say the least. The issue of gender and identity ignites more heat than light and I am not sure that today I am going to help with that. That’s not the point for me in this post anyway, but more to get a grasp on my own thoughts on the subject by introducing a running discussion. I also want to introduce to you a new topic area which, in keeping with the Norse theme of the blog, I have titled simply “Freya’s Chambers”. Freya is the Norse goddess of war, love, sex, and fertility. It will have its own page and will appear periodically whenever the yen strikes me to write on subjects relating to sexuality in pagan thought.

I need also to point out at the beginning that these are my thoughts on the subject and don’t necessarily represent all pagans, deists or humanists. In fact, that is part of my motivation for writing on these topics is to sort pagan sexuality out a little because viewpoints on these topics are varied. The main issue though is that for most pagans, sexuality and spirituality are linked because sexuality is a part of life and living and thus part of the universe that is sacred. Sexuality is as much a spiritual reality as a physical and cultural one. Sacred Sex is a part of the spiritual viewpoint of pagans.

I also have to note that my deism and humanism kick in here as well as the fact I don’t dismiss the findings of biology, psychology or science in general when it comes to talking about gender, sex or sexuality. I try very much to realize that we do have some scientific findings on the subject that presents both facts and truth in these areas. I also realize that there is much that is not understood, and this dwells in the realm of spirituality and theory and these also factor in for discussion.

One final note, I was very well known as a Chrisitan blogger who wrote extensively on what the Bible says about sex, nudity, sexuality, and gender. I have to warn you that my departure from Christianity has changed a lot of my viewpoints. I have no appeal to authority anymore when it regards these topics. Mostly I rely on my reason and experience on the deist/humanist side and my intuition and wisdom for the pagan side. Some might comment at this time that it looks like I am trying to archive male-female balance in my viewpoint. I am not sure about that but one thing is for sure, that you will see a massive viewpoint shift in these topics compared to what I used to write as a Christian.

So what will be some of the topics in Freya’s Chambers? Well, sex and sexuality are broad topics to be sure, but below is a shortlist and a little discussion of where I am currently on some topics as examples. This is not an exhaustive list of course, but I think it will give you a good idea of what you might encounter when you see the suffix heading “Freya’s Chambers”.

Sexual Identity:

I am going to say that if I take science into account, this whole discussion of gender identity for me kind of crystalizes into a few indisputable facts: 1) If you have a penis you are male, 2) If you have a vagina you are a female and 3) males and females are different. Even pagans have ingrained in there viewpoint the idea of feminine and masculine spiritual forces. It is part of the mythologies, part of the spiritual viewpoint.

For me, it is also a question of acceptance of self. You don’t find spiritual peace by trying to be something you are not. Part of achieving spiritual peace is embracing who are and part of that is accepting that you are a man or a woman. There are exceptions to this dichotomy, even genetics tells us that, but such exceptions are rare and not the statistical norm. The vast majority of us are male or female and that is not just physical but also sociological and psychological

Note this is about identity for me, not orientation. Personally whether or nor someone’s sexual orientation is a choice or ingrained in who they are is irrelevant to me. It matters little to me as a deistic humanist pagan, and as a libertarian, who someone has sex with as long as it is mutually consensual. Their business, not mine. I trust that each person can make those choices for themselves, and I am not qualified in any way to judge them right or wrong in their choice.

Nudity and Nudism:

Leaving Christianity has allowed me to basically discard the whole tightrope walk of trying to look at nudity and where you fall into sin. Sin is gone in my thinking, so nudity is now looked at as purely as rational and pagan issues. Things are actually quite free and open now for me on this topic. Most pagans don’t have a view of nudity as wrong, just sometimes culturally unacceptable by others and in certain contexts. The human body is a beautiful thing and the naked human form should not automatically be seen as sexualized.

Don’t get me wrong there is a sexual side to nudity. To say that seeing a naked human being does not arouse sexual attraction at times is simply to deny reality. But just because a man or woman is naked; it does not follow that they are asking for sex. Some people learn to distinguish between sexual intent and nudity and some people don’t. For me the two can be together, but not necessarily. It really comes down to context. Just because a person is naked, it does not mean that I can look past respecting them as a human being. I should see their humanity first, then other things and only if it is clear those other things are presented to me.

For me, being an at-home nudist, I have discovered freedom I accepting myself to be very powerful. I have to also admit, that I sometimes feel far more comfortable in my skin than in clothes. There is also the dual call in my heart, my inner wolves of need and want howling if you will, to shed my clothes both outside and with others. If my self-discovery has grown this much simply at home, I wonder what else could be discovered in other contexts. It is something I wrestle with because of past religious indoctrination and current relationships.

Masculine-Feminine Balance:

There is a reason I am not Wiccan and it was my perception very early on, even as a Christian, that Wiccans are imbalanced as far as gender. There is much emphasis on The Goddess and little else that is masculine. Hell, their male practitioners argue whether they should be called witches or warlocks. I just find Wicca to be very feminine and strongly so. It is why Asatru is my choice because it is much more balanced.

Achieving balance for myself mostly involves making sure I embrace the strength of being a man within my self and the strength of the feminine around me. I get most of the later from the women in my life whose influence can not be understated. I am very masculine with all that goes with it. To have feminine perspectives in my life to balance that out is appreciated at all times.

Equality:

The whole ‘God the head of man, man the head of woman’ Christian viewpoint I have discarded like the patriarchal trash it is. Talk about men writing a book to justify their male dominance over women, and you will not get a better example than the Bible. I am egalitarian in my orientation and that means I will point out equality in both directions. However, you also better be able to demonstrate the inequality is real with things like research. That said, the genders have different strengths in and of themselves, but I don’t feel that one gender should have cultural, legal or social advantages over the other because of them.

For instance, on the one hand, women can rightly say that their roles in society are often forced on them. There have definitely been some issues as far as to pay, opportunity and the like. On the flip side, the fact that men get longer sentences for the same crime and dower laws still exist requiring a man to take care of his ex after they split, but no such condition exists the other way, is also not equality. In the United States where I live it has only been recently been challenged that men can be drafted for war but not women.

Going back to nudity above, I side with the ladies in saying if a man can take off his shirt and go bare-chested in certain public places, so should a woman. On the flip side, the laws are less harsh when it comes to sexual misconduct when a woman exposes her genitals than a man in some states. My point is that the whole social, cultural and legal world has these inequalities and I fight for their removal but it goes both ways. It might be summed up in the simple example we need to move from saying: “it is not right to hit or rape a woman” to “it is not right to hit or rape another person”.

Gender Roles:

Inequalities aside, genetics, science and such tell me that males and females not only are different right from birth, but they also tend to gravitate to different roles in society naturally. Some of these tests have been interesting as girls would dress up the trucks in dresses and boys would turn the dolls they were given to play with into action figures. I don’t think we can escape the fact that in society women and men embrace certain roles naturally and some roles are just not possible by one gender or the other. We need to be equals as far as legal and societal rights; but in the end, some things just come naturally to one gender or the other.

I take on the feminists on this issue a lot where, for instance, they complain that there are not a lot of women CEOs. I point out to them there doesn’t seem to be a lot of women coal miners or sewer workers either. It gets comically interesting when it is revealed that what a feminist considers equality doesn’t involve jobs that are dangerous or dirty most of the time. It is pretty clear that men gravitate toward the dangerous and dirty while women like secure and clean. It is also clear that on dates, the man is still expected to pay for things, etc. I think feminists reveal a lot of hypocrisy on this one and even women can see it, which is why many women refuse to identify themselves as feminists.

Sex:

If you ask me the one thing that keeps me believing in the spiritual side of life above all others – it’s sex. Sorry, there is more to sex, at least to me, than just fucking. Perhaps my perspective has been limited by the fact I have only made love physically to only one woman in my life, or perhaps it is why I feel that way. One thing I do know that more is exchanged between us when we make love than bodily fluids.

I will talk about sex from time to time in a spiritual context. In this, you might also see the idea of sexual attraction as well. Under this topic, you might find other things like the effect technology has had on sex, etc. I have had a few experiences of a sexual nature outside sexual intercourse with more than one woman along these lines, so there are notes that could be made.

Conclusion and Final Word:

Throughout you will see me make note of changes from what I thought before as a Christian and now what I think that I am using more of a deistic humanist pagan mindset. I probably will never speak this broadly again and will take one topic at a time from now on. Mostly today I was pretty much shooting from the hip. New posts in this topic suffix will probably be deeper in thought. Mostly though there is a lot of changing things in my mindset that I am trying to crystallize and the best way for me to do that is to put them on digital paper.

Welcome to Freya’s Chambers.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Belief in the Norse Gods (Asatru Part 6)” – The Pagan Pulpit

August 18, 2019August 18, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “The Pagan Norse” – Burnt Page Films:

Meditation:

Even death is just an epitaph to your story as your legacy and influence can have an effect long after you are gone. But while you are alive the story is still being written and you can have an effect on the end of the story and what that legacy will be.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

As we head into the second part fo our text, a sermon is in order about belief in the old gods, but first, a disclaimer from myself as this is the part of Asatru I have the ‘hardest’ time with. I don’t have a problem with people believing in the Norse gods any more than I have a problem believing in Christ, but I find that the actual existence of such divine beings as Odin or Christ for me needs to be defined. For me, this would be a belief for me that is more about the personification of divine or spiritual forces, not a belief in an actual being known as Odin or Thor. It’s kind of like saying Spiderman exists. Is there a real guy that is named Peter Parker with spider powers? No. But there is a creation in the literature that is a beloved comic character that teaches life lessons and personifies certain very human ideas. That is very real.

I think the same is true for all the mythologies. Certain cultures created stories that reflected their values and there was a perceived need to have these values preserved and restated through myth. The Norse people were no different in this regard. Whether Odin and Thor actually exist is irrelevant to me as this part of Asatru, it is the values and virtues they portray in their stories that matter to me. In that respect, the gods exist and the had an influence on my ancestor’s lives and that is enough for me.

For followers of Asatru, there is an identification with gods that is often individual and very personal. Some followers of Asatru worship all the gods, but they’re always a favorite god for many which earn that follower a title – ‘Thorsman’ or ‘Freyawoman’ or some other title with the god’s name. I don’t think you have to do much more than look at this blog to see what god would be in my title. I am an Odinsman. Not the warrior Odin in his hall so much as the wanderer looking for knowledge and wisdom. It is an image that inspires me and motivates me.

Asatru is about the Norse gods in the end and their worship and veneration. It is about honoring them and what they stood for. This is something one can accomplish without necessarily believing in a literal Thor, Freya or Odin. Religion is ultimately a personal construct that you can share as a community construct. Many followers of Asatru are also like myself in that we are returning to the faith of our ancestors. A faith that was taken from us by the invasion of Christianity and now we have the freedom to once again embrace.

In the coming weeks, we will be looking at the spiritual significance of many of the gods to the followers of Asatru. Essential Asatru does this by first covering the gods and then the goddesses, I will be going back and forth to maintain a little more male/female balance. In some cases, I will probably combine a few of the gods and goddess together. This will be done when there is little known about them or that the combination has a significance in the mythology.

Parting Thought:

Quit explaining your life, live it. Those that love you will give you the freedom to be what you want to be because they love you. Haters? Fuck ’em. They get silence.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Purpose of Journal Posts” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

August 12, 2019August 12, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I return to my journal posts this week I am redefining their purpose ever so slightly. Mostly I want to write a little more broadly on this blog and there is only so much time in the week to do so. So I think the best course of action at this time is to journal every other week. This will also avoid a lot of repetitious writing but at the same time, I will also still be able to keep tabs on my progress on this journey we call life. The purpose of these journal entries is for my benefit although I have had people say my thoughts reflect their own or benefit them in some way.

Basically now one week I will engage the Overall Virtue and Principle and the alternate week I will be looking at the Bucket List and Goals. I will, of course, make a note of a goal or bucket list item when it gets crossed off. Weeks I am not journaling I will be writing on various topics or injecting a piece of fiction or poetry. The pattern is as follows.

Week 1 – Journal Posts (Virtue and Principle Focus)

Week 2 – Open Posts

Week 3 – Journal Posts (Bucket List and Goals Focus)

Week 4 – Open Posts

Repeat. Roughly then every month, things ill get covered and I feel that will be more than adequate.

I have changed my comment settings so that if you have a previously approved comment, you no longer have to wait for approval, so comment away if you have already done so. I don’t know I may have to approve your next comment to do so. This opens up the comment section quite a bit and that possibility gives me a little trepidation. Just a little note, all comments that WordPress filters as Spam will be disapproved. No, I am not interested in what you are selling or promoting. I am interested in real people who want to truly interact.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I must say after last week’s series of The Grey and The Wayfarer, I feel much better. It was good to get some things off my chest but also down for the record. My senes of honor is definitely a little higher as I seek to move on. Lately, I have also kind of make it a point to tell people I appreciate them when I think of it as well.

Today will be Day 316 of my blog streak for the year. That leaves 49 more days. I now a new pair of hiking boots so My training walks can resume.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I am making every effort to do the right thing at the right time. Currently, I am still looking for the job I want, but I decided to take an opportunity at my current job to improve my current situation while I continue to search. It’s been a year and just getting back to maintaining life has been good, but now it is time to improve.

I had some unexpected expenses so my tattoo fund got emptied so we are back to square one, but with the new opportunity should come the ability to get that fund back up and build it faster. It is the easiest thing on my bucket list to cross off – getting the tattoos. So I will continue to focus on it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others. To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Well, last week was definitely a week of being honest with myself. Progress in that area was good and I feel that I am in a position to move forward.

This last 10 days or so have been a mess so getting back to discipline and routine is the first priority and with that comes the book writing and learning Latin.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Loving myself is a real challenge. My last two addresses on Frigg and Freya’s Day were to the old me and the new. A lot of that was me transitioning from being a person who loves others to the expensive of himself into a person that loves themselves to the point they can love others effectively. It has been a hard lesson this past year of the consequences can be for me and others if I do not do this. It has become imperative that I maintain love toward myself to keep walking.

Morning Routine:

Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
Meditation – 3 min.
Check Communications and Email.
Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
Stretching / Yoga
Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day

Yeah, I need to get on this again. The past ten days have been shit.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Objections to Christianity – Part 1 – The Bible’s Inspiration by God” (Revised August 2019) – Odin’s Eye – Theological Objections to Christianity.

August 8, 2019August 8, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

August 2019 Revision Notes:

Mostly though this is a cut and paste with some revisions. As the series goes on there will be more revisions as I can see the need for things to change a bit in the other three objections. In this one, however, the objective remains pretty much the same.

Introduction:

I want to state upfront, this is a long post. I want to be complete as possible in stating this objection and the ones that follow. Mostly as I will state later that I for a long time wanted answers; I still do. It was hard leaving my faith because I wanted so desperately to believe. Reason itself eventually prevailed and I will stand by that decision. The reason I am putting a lot of words into this is that I still would accept answers: if they could be proven rationally that Christianity is the true religion.

I have written on my crisis of faith a couple of times. Despite some people’s assertion that this was due to personal events, it actually started in 2015 with my second objection which is that I think ‘sin’ is a man-made up concept. It started when I preached a message about sin and I had heard a quote that week from a critic of Christianity that basically said sin was made up and that because of it Christianity solves a problem of its own making.

I will get into this moment in more detail in my second objection post, but it got me rethinking everything in the light of skepticism and I began to form four theological objections for which I still have no satisfactory answers. While the sin question got my original thinking going, it is this first question involving the Bible and divine inspiration that forms the foundation of the other three.

Now, I want to state for the record that I am no amateur when it comes to the Bible or Theology. 1) I have degrees in both Biblical Studies (BA) and Theological Studies (MA). 2) I am a ‘professional’ theologian and have been since 1996. 3) I was a Christian from the time I was eight and as I approach my 50th birthday that would have been close it forty-two years. 4) I was a pastor (now retired) for twenty years and have spent many years since school studying the Bible and engaging theological questions. 5) I have had several crisis moments in my theology and up until two to three years ago I could answer them all or found ways to explain them. Not anymore.

I will also say I am not hostile to Christians, I get it. It took me a long time to face the facts of the objections I will present in this series. I still am open to anything that answers them. My largest problem when I discuss this is people sometimes get offended because I seem to be very aggressive, but I am not really doing that, just being as honest as I can. People don’t always like it when you ask questions that are hard about what they believe. Cognitive dissonance is a real thing, so I get. Understand I am not being hostile to your faith if you have it. I am just being hostile to mine or what mine used to be. That’s because I take as a central core idea that if the God of the Bible is the real god and the Bible is inspired by him, then it should make sense and have rational proof this is so.

Faith:

Bottom Line, faith is trusting in something that you have no evidence for and that is the problem. You hope it is true and you believe it is true, but you don’t know it is true. This is particularly true for many church doctrines and one of the most notable is the divine inspiration of scripture. The reason I can say this is no matter what school of thought you follow in looking at inspiration, there is no evidence that God came down and inspired the Bible. You simply have to believe the simple statement “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God.” There is no attempt to prove this, just a statement of fact that the reader must simply accept.

An example is probably in order:

“The Rabyd Skald’s writings are inspired by the god Odin. Everything he writes comes straight from the mouth of the god Odin.”

You say ridiculous. I ask why? You say because I simply have made an assertion and have offered no proof that what I say is true. I want to tell you the Bible does the exact same thing with the exact same level of proof that God came down and directly inspired the writers of the Bible – none. It’s pure faith, no evidence even from the Bible itself. The Bible writers simply assert this; they never prove it.

Religion:

Looking at the doctrine of inspiration historically, once again we have no proof of the inspiration of Scripture by God, just the creation of the doctrine of inspiration and various councils of men deciding which books are inspired. There is no record of God coming down and saying – “these books are my inspired word.” Just groups of men doing that. That is what you actually see.

It stands to reason that religions do this. In the end, you need a common core of beliefs and authority and it is far easier to make a group of writings do that because it has a greater chance of standing the test of time. Especially if you inject a tradition of copying and transcribing these books from one generation to the next. Even in this though, two problems develop. 1) People abuse the authority of said books and can twist their meaning and 2) the transcription of said books can be flawed.

The second brings up an additional inspiration question which is: ‘Is the Bible still inspired even though people have put mistakes into it and changed it from one language to the next where meaning is going to get changed?’ The human factors are definitely present in the Bible. Does that undermine inspiration or simply point to the fact that the Bible is a wholly human book? Because we don’t really have proof God is involved, are we just making up the whole divine inspiration thing in order to make this human book have more significance?

Theology:

I spent a great deal of time and digital ink pouring over this question of inspiration. On my blog All Things Rabyd (which is still there although no longer active) I spent nine posts looking at the various theories of divine inspiration. You can find the link to all of them here. I eventually settled on Dynamic Inspiration as the best possible explanation to handle the human element of the bible. That much like the doctrines of Christ state Jesus was 100% God and 100% Man, so was the bible the same way. It satisfied me for a while but there was a fatal flaw in the whole thing.

The flaw? I still had no proof positive that the 100% divine inspiration part was real. There is no photograph of God reaching into the head of Paul or Moses inspiring them to write things. I mean you could say God is the inspiration for the Bible like a person might be inspired to write about nature from being outside. There is however no proof that God took an active hand in telling the authors what to write or how to write it. That is purely a matter of whether you believe that or not. It really is blind faith when you consider that particular question.

Spirituality:

I will probably handle other objections involving scripture at a later date. My purpose today is to get the main parts of my first objection to Christianity out there. The question always comes – do I still read the Bible and what value do I place on it? Well, yes I do. I value it in that it contains a lot of ‘truth’ small ‘t’. I just don’t think it’s the Truth with a capital ‘T‘. Rather a lot of men wrote about their sincere belief in God. God inspired them in that way and they wrote but in the end, it was human inspiration ABOUT the divine. It was not God coming down and whispering in their ear what to write, no matter what their claims.

It also, because it is a human book and not divine to me, contains a lot of Bull Shit and spiritual opinion by ancient authors which may or may not be valid. You still have to use a lot of judgment in looking at the Bible because if some of it is objectively true then the god of the Bible becomes at times both inconsistent and a sadistic tyrant.

For me, I still draw a lot of inspiration from the Bible. Some of its stories are great. It has men wrestling with the question about God. Some of the teachings of Christ are some of the best on human relationships you will ever see. That said, it is only one avenue of being inspired, not the only one and it is a very human book. In short, it has its flaws, and I think some of the morality it promotes could be questioned as to whether it actually does good or not.

Conclusion:

When the doctrine of inspiration goes, then you can look at the Bible objectively. This caused me to really realize the god of the Bible has a few problems. 1) Sin seems to be made up as a concept and used to control the behavior of people 2) The plan of salvation God comes up with does not speak well of supreme being because it makes God both sadistic and masochistic. 3) God’s justice seems a little suspect especially when you consider final judgment.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16

August 3, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Saturn’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this one and the three that will follow for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.

Year Ago Retrospect will thave three parts: The Breakup, The Church Nonsense, and Marriage. I will also write a conclusion post on Frigg and Freya’s Day that is a message to a few people who I no longer have any other avenue to say something to if they read this series and hopefully some final direction for myself. I am hoping these posts and writing about the events in them will give me some clarity of what to do now that it has been a year. I knew The Grey would be strong this week, but so far it has been almost overwhelming so…

These will take the place of my normal journal posts this week because in a very real sense they are me journaling my feelings. Today – The Breakup. Moon’s Day – The Church Nonsense. Wooden’s Day – My Marriage. Frigg and Freya’s Day – Conclusion. I apologize for any hard or difficult feelings this may cause. I have no doubt that this will cause some.

That said, I feel if I don’t do this, I am going to lose it with memories so strong right now. The feelings they are causing are so difficult it is hard to keep it together. I need to write about this. Why? Because it is time to get this out of my system because it is affecting me negatively. Writing as therapy. One other thing – please wait to read all the posts before passing complete judgment on me. Here we go.

A year ago yesterday, my affair with Miss Salty ended with her breaking up with me and then pretty much blocking me on every social media avenue leaving me pretty much alone, lonely and bleeding from my soul. It has now been a year since I have had any sort of contact with her. Life in the Grey has been very difficult ever since.

To understand why this was so, I have to go back a some months before that, so today as a matter of therapeutic writing and to set my side of the story straight as far as I see it, I am going to recount the events of this relationship from roughy January of 2018 to the breakup and a little beyond. I want to then end with the implications for me today, now that it is a year later.

It is hard to think of this but in January 2018 I was a respected minister of a small church. That said I was struggling with my faith and had been in that state for several years. My theological objections to Christianity were there and I was finding no answers and the fact that I was making a living doing something that was based on a faith I no longer had didn’t help my psyche. It was causing quite a crisis of conscience. I was trying to preach my way back to faith, and it wasn’t working. Then my organist died.

This was significant because it marked the end of an era for my church. Our pianist had died a couple years before and my main singer had died just a few months before the organist. With my long-time organist dead, there was nothing left in the music realm that I had started with nine years before. We were also fairly good friends. I liked Jim and understood him and respected him. I was grieving about it but no one was asking me how I was.

That is the peril of the modern ministry, you look after everyone else but no one looks after you. Into my grief walked Miss Salty. She had been a part of my church since October of 2017 when she left her home because it was an abusive environment. I had befriended her and was trying to counsel her through some issues. When she saw my grief and depression she recognized it right away and asked me several times how I was doing. It was honest and genuine and she really wanted to know. She was the only one asking me this genuinely.

At this time, it kind of took our friendship up a notch. We began to talk a lot and I soon was very amazed at how open I was with her. The more I got to know her, and she got to know me, the easier it was to talk to her. I have never had a person get me so quickly and understand me so well that I have been that transparent. Not even my wife.

I never believed in a soul mate before. I always looked at relationships with people as something you had to work at because none of them were perfect. But my relationship with Miss Salty began to challenge that notion. My own marriage at the time was hostile with that kind of passive aggression that makes things mostly unbearable. I had been going to school for three years by this time and my basic plan was to finish my degree, find a new job and then very seriously consider divorcing my wife because it wasn’t working. If Miss Salty had not come along, I would probably have continued at the church and be finishing the divorce part of the plan right now.

I started to see Miss Salty not just as a friend but a confidant. She kept my secrets and me hers. Looking back my feelings of romantic love started in about late February 2018, a month after her 18th birthday. I know what people think at this point, so let me stress this, her age didn’t factor in other than had she been under age my responses to some of the events that followed would have been different. I have far too much desire to keep my own freedom to break the law.

She was from the time my feelings started until the end of our affair a legal adult and I am very certain she had the capacity to understand what she was doing. She is smart and has enough life experience to know what people understand is right and wrong. Our relationship started as a friendship and a damn good one. The circumstances and our choices that followed led to what happened. Two people in pain, drawing comfort from one another is how this started. Nothing more and nothing less.

I want to shorten this part of the story, but suffice it to say from February until late May my feelings of love grew for her. I kept them to myself. I have never been good at starting romantic relationships. According to her, she started feeling the same in late March. She was going through a tough time then and I reached out to her and then as April and May went along we grew very close. I went to her graduation and the day after she flat out asked me if I loved her. I wish she had never asked because I have this thing with telling the truth.

I said yes because it was true. It lasted a week before it came unglued in that neither one of us could take the pressure of trying to keep up the lies to cover this up. She told her aunt and I told my wife. My wife left and we separated. Two days later I was feeling I was going to go down hard, so I deliberately pushed her away to protect her from the fallout. She was smart enough to figure it out and a week later reached out to me saying she wanted to try again.

That week had some other shenanigans I need to talk about because they factor into the breakup later. On that Monday I handed my original resignation to the church moderator (from now on referred to in these posts as The Dirty Pig) for him to read to the church. The Dirty Pig tried to lecture me; which rubbed me wrong, but he had been a friend for a long time, so I trusted him and handed him my church-key. The day after Miss Salty and I split the first time he called me and asked me to change my resignation by removing the one sentence that confessed what I had done.

His reasons were that he didn’t want to start gossip in the church at that time and that he didn’t want to drag Miss Salty into this. In retrospect, he read me pretty well. He knew I still genuinely loved my congregation and Miss Salty and he used both those things. He knew I trusted him and he used that against me as well. I turned my revised resignation into him on Friday and probably within a half-hour, based on something Miss Salty told me, but she didn’t realize it was a clue to me figuring this out, the Dirty Pig calls her up and asks permission to tell the story. Miss Salty and I were not talking at the time because we had broken up, or The Dirty Pig would have never been able to pull what he did next off.

He reads my resignation and then tells the whole story. My revised resignation didn’t have a confession line anymore, so the whole thing made it look like I was hiding something. I had planned on showing up the next Sunday to explain the situation myself, but as I got the report of what happened, I knew that was no longer possible without causing the congregation some major pain.

I am going to stay with Miss Salty here and talk about the church thing in more detail later in my second post. I have three things that cause The Grey Storm from this time period. The other two besides the breakup are the church issue and my marriage. But the foremost is the breakup with Miss Salty.

We would date two more times. The second time was truly “let’s try this out”. She broke up with me on the day I was returning from my friend’s house in Houston, TX in late June. She never gave me a reason that time, but I wrote about it on my blog at the time, because this time I wasn’t going to just suffer in silence. She cut me off, but not completely as she kept one social media avenue open.

It was through this avenue that we restarted our friendship because both of us missed that. The problem was staying just friends. It was soon friends with benefits. Not the actual physical kind as this entire time we were separated by about 40 miles of distance with neither one of us having a transportation method to see each other. Things might have turned out very differently if we had possessed this. The one thing I expressed early on is that I loved her and I knew I couldn’t remain just friends. After a couple days she sends me a short video expressing that she still loved me too.

In late July, she did something I didn’t expect. She asked me to marry her. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but my wife and our counselor until now. At least I don’t think I have, but it is probably time to do so. I said yes. A little untraditional but I was happy to accept because I was very much in love with her. For the days leading up to the last breakup, I was never happier. I have never felt like that before or since. I finally got a job interview and things were looking up.

August 2nd, 2018 is a day I will not probably ever forget. I got up and everything was normal in the sense that Miss Salty and I were loving and she even gave me a pep talk for my interview. I borrowed my mom’s car feeling on top of the world and I nailed the interview and got offered a job. I felt great, better than I had in years. I was finally taking the first steps to all that I wanted at the time. On the way home, she texts me that we need to talk. I knew something was wrong because the usual “I love you” was missing.

I had written on the subject of the Dirty Pig’s involvement in my firing and what I had ultimately discovered above a week before this on The Rabyd Microphone. Miss Salty finally got to read it that day and she was upset. I think she thought I was lying about some of it, but I wasn’t. The hammer dropped. We had talked the day before about her drama class and how she was a good actress, and I mentioned I would have liked to see that. That moment she told me that I already had seen her act. That some of the things she had been doing with me were an act. I told her I didn’t believe her and started to cry. The conversation was one of me asking ‘why?’ through my tears and her going through a lot of reasons that didn’t make sense to me and still don’t. I guess in retrospect I am just a stupid old man that fell in love with the wrong woman.

The problem for me now is I still have more questions than answers. I don’t know whether she was genuine or not. I know the next day she got high and drunk. That is the actions of someone in love trying to forget it. I know I cried for the next few days and felt very close to losing it. Like my sanity. I suppose the spirit that would become The Grey Wayfarer was born at this time, and it kept me sane. It also probably helped that a few days later on Facebook she had posted a picture of her holding hands with someone else.

The questions remain: 1) Did she love me or was it truly an act? 2) Is it possible that I loved her but she didn’t love me back? She sure fooled me if that is the case. 3) What does this say about me now? 4) Will this scar in my heart ever heal? Probably not completely.

It has been a year; I still struggle with this. I suppose it is a testimony to the fact my love was genuine toward her and that makes me feel somewhat decent about the whole thing. I wasn’t acting or lying that was for sure. I wrote once that maybe she was the smart one and did what needed to be done so neither of us would face the ire of our respective families. It would have been a hard relationship for those we love. But to be with one’s soul mate? Maybe she was to me, but I wasn’t to her. I don’t know and it is this ignorance that haunts my thoughts.

All I know is my personality is such that I never truly fall out of love with any woman I have loved. I just don’t seem to have the capacity to completely kill that love or even be angry at that woman. Even with my wife, I never wished her ill or was angry enough to harm her. It was this love for my wife, as small as it was that lead me to reach out to try to reconcile. But that is the story for another The Grey and The Wayfarer. Until then maybe some of you that have taken the time to read all this can offer me some wisdom as to how to deal with my pain over this. I don’t believe time heals everything, I think this is one thing that will remain with me for the rest of my life. But is there a better way to cope?

Yes. I know I am an idiot. But it is something I struggle with. Miss Salty gave me a couple final instructions: 1) To try to find someone else and 2) focus on my writing. In the end, the second one has led to this blog: The Grey Wayfarer. But, it also means that the memory of her haunts my steps every time I write. I have lost something and I wander to find it and wonder if I ever will.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

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