Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!
I would normally be doing a Freya’s Chambers today but I need to do some more research on some things before I wrote about them. Part of the problem is my thoughts are a jumbled mess since meeting with both my job coach and my therapist on Wednesday so I feel the need to write about this at least in general terms. It is not really a The Grey and The Wayfarer kind fo post. More of thoughts being conflicted sort of post so I am trying to sort them out by writing about them.
Every time I think about the job situation it brings up a whole pack of emotions because of the fact that my last church fired me instead of accepting my resignation so it leaves my job history with a huge hole. Of course, I don’t feel I want to use any of those people as contacts for new jobs because I clearly can’t trust them. That resource is gone and so I am now painfully aware I need to do something very uncomfortable for me which I build my network back up and that means talking to people about what they do and seeing if it fits me. I am just not very good at just starting cold conversations like that.
I am creating multiple prototypes of my life to come but all of them require either moving to the one place I still have contacts and that is not going to sit well with my wife and perhaps even my family. I WANT a completely fresh start just to move on. Just to have the feeling that I am not going to run into somebody I know and have to explain things all over again. I won’t have the fear of running into Miss Salty or the Dirty Pig because I still don;t know how I would react to either. I just to be with my best friend and start over in a new place with new people. This involves a big move literally and figuratively.
I don’t know how to express this any way that is spoken, so I write about it and I am trying to be careful about being open about what I talk with my therapist about in detail but the fact that I continue to struggle with doing what would make me happy versus what makes everyone else happy has become the BIG struggle of my life. This is my frost giant to fight right now. The problem is sometimes I see the face of the frost giant and it’s my own.
Part of me died with my faith, but it keeps acting like a ghost to haunt and attack my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to bring new life to the place of deadness, but to me, that means a lot of new things need to happen and soon. As an atheist, life is much more precious to me now realizing it will be the only one I get and is finite. I want my own happiness to be central and I want to do all I can to secure it. I just don’t feel that will ever happen if the situation does not change drastically.
Both my job coach and my therapist have helped me sort out my own thoughts on this and for that, I am very grateful. I truly think people should get over the stigma of therapy. I am glad to have it. I have to thank The Clergy Project for that.
Thanks for reading this very personal post but it needed to be done. My writing has stimied and so has my reading. Sometimes getting things off my chest helps.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.