“2000 Words” -A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

Since writing my post for Saturday about National Novel Writing M0nth (NaNoWriMo) and deciding to use that month to instead do a Non-Fiction Book, I have been meditating on the 2000 words per day goal with that. I am now pretty confident t about that as I not only feel this is a worthy goal and one that is achievable for me, I feel it needs to be a daily habit to hit a word total each day.  The reason I say this is a far more concrete goal than writing for an hour that I have had before.  Because you can sit there for an hour and write only 500 words. I think the issue is making a goal that actually gives me daily progress.

To put it in perspective, my average post on this blog falls within 1000 words.  Pretty typical for me and that takes 30-45 minutes to write and then probably another 15 minutes to edit. If I follow my pattern of letting a post sit a day and editing it again the next day, that’s another 15 minutes.

Writing a book is a different matter because the editing for me would be akin to sitting down for hours and reading the material and editing it all in one go. So I could just follow the NaNoWriMo philosophy and just write and get the 2000 words in an hour or at the most an hour and a half. Very much possible if I put off some personal entertainment and get about the business of writing.

This week I will be hitting my principles in A Skald’s Life so that will be reflected bellow.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I guess I find it easier to find personal honor in others than in myself.  I am an observer of people and I find what is good in a far different way than before.  Honor is a feeling of value and it is far easier to find value or how people are valuable when thinking about others for me.

It is finding value in myself right now that is a challenge.  I just am struggling with that right now. I need a new life in the sense of having a new place, job and environment I think. It is why I am going to be expanding my job search for most of the country.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Philosophically, I don’t struggle so much with acting once I know what the right thing is, it is determining the right thing. I was told recently I am a little bit of an enduring asshole. That is a reflection of a little less tolerance for bullshit in my life and standing up to it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

I think sometimes people have taken aback that I tell the truth a lot, even when it makes me look less flattering.  They are probably used to lies and accept them as part of life from others. I just don’t have it in me to lie to people anymore.  I spent a lot of my last three years of ministry, fronting a lost faith and have no desire to front anything anymore. What you see is what you get with me; take it or leave it.

I still struggle with what the truth is and how to deal with it.  I realized three months ago I was wrestling with whether I believed in any god at all and only recently accepted I don’t and to be honest the world could be here without god at all.  If there is a god, he is either one that doesn’t give a shit or we are just an experiment in a petri dish to him.  He isn’t benevolent that’s for sure. I have no evidence, in any case, to believe so until some evidence is given, I am facing the truth that I am for all practical and philosophical purposes an atheist.   So I am an Athiest Humanist with Pagan tendencies. 🙂

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love for the people who are important to me – check.  Love for self – hesitation to check. I am at a love crossroads regularly.  I need to take the self-love fork soon or there is going to be a problem.  I will get too close to the cliff of self-sacrifice to death if I don’t take the self-love fork at a certain point.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene. Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I like this routine now better than before.  It allows me to get the basics done and be ready to go through the day.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Freyr – God of Fertility and Prosperity” (Asatru – Part 15) – The Pagan Pulpit

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: Norse Viking Music – ‘Álfadróttinn’

Meditation:
Image may contain: one or more people and text
Text:

See the source image

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon: 

I suppose I should honestly say that Freyr is not a god that I am drawn to in high respect. Odin and Thor definitely still appeal to me more.  That said, Freya’s brother and fellow Vanir appears quite prominently in the stories and was probably second in popularity to only Thor.  You kind of see the dynamic of masculinity in Thor and Freyr as Thor is a warrior and Freyr probably exemplifies everything else masculine from industriousness to sexual prowess and potency.  He is a fertility deity much like his sister Freya.

Historically speaking though the ancestrial line of many of the Swedish kings has its roots in Freyr.  It should be noted that fertility and sovereignty are very much linked in Norse mythology. so the fact he was the god of sovereignty, as well as Odin, is indicative of that.  This points out that Odin is the ruler of the gods but his role is more chairman of the group.  He doesn’t lord it over with decree so much as he leads the discussion and gets concession and compromise.  Freyr’s presence points this out as he is more of a Vanir ‘hostage’ than Odin’s subject, but there he is being worshiped with the rest of them.

He rides a boar or stallion both indicative of male potency and fertility. His statues often have him represented with a rather large phallus.  He will wield a stag’s antler in the final battle at Ragnarok indicating his close association to nature both cultivated and wild. There is somewhat of a  similar attitude. to him as Freya when it comes to being the wild untamable side of masculinity that she is with femininity.  He would be the kind of man that most feminists would recoil from what he represents but at the same time in his presence their panties would be getting damp because their sexual fantasies would be running wild.

However, he is only known to have had one romance.  Gerd takes a lot of convincing but she marries Freyr and he was forever faithful as far as anyone knows despite his association with fertility.

The modern followers of Asatru envoke Freyr for fertility, potency, and prosperity which is his sphere.  He is very popular among them.  His feasts are the most celebrated and of course feature a boar as the main course.  Those close to the earth – farmers – rever him.

For me as a character, Freyr seems to have the kind of feeling that every male protagonist has in every romance story.  Strong, hard-working, handsome.  Having the effect on women of even the most ardent virgin wanting to give it up for him.  That said his faithfulness to his wife gives this it counter this, where he might be the kind of man every woman wants, but he is devoted to only one, so all they can do is fantasize.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: meme, text that says 'MAY THE CANDLES ON YOUR CAKE BURN LIKE CITIES IN YOUR WAKE'

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Grey Revelations?” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 22

Happy Sif’s Day. 

The scattered Grey showers continue.  That said, I am getting more of a handle on them.  The triggers are pretty well known by now and I know how to deal with most of them. Mostly, I have been thinking, researching and meditating on what The Grey is?

I don’t know if I am right about this but The Grey seems to be more of a state between feeling nothing and being depressed.  If that makes any sense.  it is a protective state to keep me from feeling the sadness of depression but it still has the element of depression that is ‘loss of interest.  The other quality it has is that I do not give one shit about anyone else.  I am wondering if this is a counter safeguard my mind goes into when I have hit my psychological limit of not taking care of myself and being more concerned about others than myself. So The Grey puts me in a state where I am completely self-centered but not sad; but also restless and bored.  I hope I am wrong because that sounds like a state of mind I wouldn’t wish on even my enemies.  Dangerous and reckless.

I suppose the alternative is to be sad, tired and/or burning angry.

In other news:

  1. I am totally frustrated with the job hunt right now.  No one is even calling me and that is probably the product having lost so many contacts.  Every job I have gotten I have known someone and applying blind is difficult.  If the fuckers at my church hadn’t fired me, I might have had a connection there with someone else to get another job or at least I could put it on my resume as my last job.  It really puts a hole in my resume.  It might be Ok in another year or two but I don’t have a year or two.
  2. Love is frustrating as well.  I have identified that my wife and I have a trust-love but Miss Salty and I had a passion-love.  The problem is I want both. My INFJ idealism kicks in and says why can’t you have a high level of trust and passion in a love relationship. I was thinking about my series Rogue Wizard and there is the same theme. Lunette (passion) / Amber (trust).  It is all over the place with me and having only one or the other just makes it difficult for me inside my head.
  3. Writing seems to be the only solace I have these days. The Blog, my books in their raw form do provide some sense of stability in my head. The other thing is the weights, hiking and getting healthier. There is a part of me that just wants to dive into this and disappear.  My own world in my head is far superior to the real one.
  4. I am still adjusting my thoughts and emotions to my lack of any faith in any god.  I have no imaginary friend to talk to and that is liberating on the one hand but it means a level of self-reliance I have not experienced before and it is scary intoxicating.

I am not fond of the cards I am holding right now. I still am obligated to play the hell out of them though until the next shuffle.  Hopefuly that is soon.  I miss clear skies and having a strong hand.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“A Writer’s Bucket List” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

Well, I have reached the week where I look at my bucket list but I have also added the additional task of redoing my Routines.  Mostly though my decision to be a writer first and whatever else to pay the bills means some changes to both.  I have to develop two habits to do that 1) writing (on top fo the blog consistently every day) and 2) Reading.  I need to work that in right now and have some goals or bucket list items attached to them.

My bucket list is really about long term goals and having those mile markers on the journey where I can say – ‘hey. life is good’.  There are a couple bucket list items that looking at them may not be completely of this vein so I am thinking of changing them and they should reflect in some way the virtue I have attached them to as well.  it has been a year for many of them so it is time for a look again because what motivates me and inspires me has probably changed.

Routine changes are more about finding what practically works.  My morning routine works but my formal meditation time need some attention. The work and rest Day routines simply need to be ordered so the reading and writing get done every single day.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I still want to do this.  I do have as kind fo a side identity being a hiker and wayfarer in real life.  I want to see this as my first big hike. It stays.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I still want to do this.  One of my other ones is to visit the lands of my ancestors and I don’t think anyone has ever mentioned Hungarian ancestry, but I still love the city of Budapest.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

This bucket list item has been learning Latin but I have just not been able to inspire myself to learn it. More fitting with a writer and a desire for a long term goal about reading specifically, I want to read 52 books a year and that comes out to one per week. I decided the calendar year would be more appropriate for this one andI will probably use Goodreads for this for accountability.  I am going to however work this one in as soon as possible into the routine so once 2020 starts I will have developed the habit a bit.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I still struggle with this tension of being a natural care for others kind fo guy but neglecting myself at times. There are certain issues in my heart and head because of it. I have been meditating on this issue a lot but few things come into focus. its the age-old issue of self-love and care not getting done but me working hard to make others happy.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene. Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I find the biggest obstacle to formal meditation is I am not awake enough to concentrate on it and I feel a little grungy too.  I figure doing my stretching and getting a shower will do that.  I also have split my medications and supplements into two things so the don’t upset my stomach as much.  My payday is coming up and I want to order some candles and I found a company that produces valknut plaques of a sort for meditation. Time to get this meditation time truly formal as it helps me far too much to not do it or be hit and miss anymore.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Freya – If You Can’t Lay ‘Em, Slay ‘Em” (Asatru – Part 14) – The Pagan Pulpit

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: “Freya Song” – Sascha Ravendark

Meditation:
Image may contain: meme and text

 

Text:

See the source image

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon: 

Now there is a historical debate as far as the development of Norse religion regarding Frigg and Freya being the same goddess that at some point split in two with one aspect of this goddess being Odin’s wife (Frigg) and the other becoming the hostage of the Vanir along with her brother Freyr being the other, but even if they were once the same they become very different in the mythological stories later.

Freya and Frigg have many of the same spheres: Love, Fertility and prophetic magic. But they diverge as Frigg seems more of a homebody of hearth and home.  Frigg seems to be the aspect of the woman and man would want to settle down with as a wife.  Freya, on the other hand, is the girl you want to party with, fight alongside, and fuck.  Or rather given her far more aggressive nature – let her fuck you. She is very independent and self-reliant much like the cats who are her symbol.

Freya is actually associated with the spheres of beauty, sex and war, things Frigg is far less associated with.  She is a far more aggressive female than Frigg and far more passionate and warlike being also a goddess associated with death.  It is, after all, the goddess who gets to take half the slain in battle to her hall. Captian of the Valkyrie, she is one of the choosers of the slain giving half to Odin for Valhalla and keeping the other half for herself.  I don’t remember where I read this, but one commenter said she really had the motto of = “if you can’t lay ’em, slay ’em”.  She was either going to fuck you or fight you and kill you.

For the followers of Asatru, she represents fertility much like her brother Freyr and is involved in all things productive. But she is also invoked in matters of the heart whether love or conflict. It is said that her worshipers have evidence of their existence long before any others except Odin and her worship was the last to die out when the Christians came. A large testimony to her veneration. She would make a very good goddess for any shieldmaiden.

For me, this splitting of feminine nature seems very necessary.  Frigg being the quiet passionate strength behind the throne of Odin.  But Freya, well she is the openly passionate side of women.  That raw animalistic love and anger that they can be quite famous for. I love both sides and it leads me to believe that this split (if a split actually occurred) might very well simply be a reflection of this understanding.  That man at some point in his life needs a Freya to inspire him with passionate side of women and then needs a Frigg to give him strength as a father and husband. Perhaps it is reflective that no woman can be both of those, or such a woman is incredibly rare even among the goddesses.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: text

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Walking Paradox – INFJ” – The Rabyd Skald

Happy Sif’s Day

Anyone who has been a part of The Grey Wayfarer family knows that I talk often about my personality type.  Myers-Briggs to me does a fairly decent job of defining personality through its simple four-letter designation.  Well, four letters and dash with either an A or T behind it to indicate whether one’s identity is assertive or turbulent.  In my case, my full letter combo is INFJ-A. I have found that in exploring the implications of this I have discovered more about myself and it has helped me with that struggle because as we will see in a moment, INFJ’s struggle with this.

My recent musings into the subject led me to discover a YouTube video that talked about how INFJ’s are walking contradictions. It is something I have heard and explored a little but the video offered some very specific contradictions that seem to be part of most INFJ’s and so after watching it I have to ask myself if they apply to me and more importantly what they mean for me.

8 Reasons Why INFJs are Often Described as a Walking Paradox

I like firstly how the video points out that it is not that we intend to be misleading or lack conviction but that our personality type puts us into these tensions.  We have a high value on personal integrity and these contradictions are mostly due to our complex nature.  With that let us dive into the eight contradictions and see if and how they apply to The Grey Wayfarer.

One – Craving deep connections, but being so private:

My standards of friendship and love are fairly high. This is the product of my desire for deep connection.  I want a few good/great friends not a whole bunch of different ones.  When it comes to love there are certain expectations I have coming back toward me.

The problem, of course, is that I am so very private as a person.  It makes it hard to form those friendships and my wife is learning that love is something very important to me and she needs to spend some time nurturing it or I start to think very dark thoughts about our relationship.  This happened once right after our last child graduated high school and I was expecting that now the two of us would get to spend more time together and rekindle some of that fire we had before kids, but that didn’t happen.  It almost caused a divorce seven years later. Part of that was me having a hard time talking about it and the other was my high expectations.

Two – You find people interesting and draining at the same time:

I am definitely a people watcher but interaction with them is draining, to say the least. I can spend all day on a park bench watching people and studying them.  I have been that way for a long time, pretty much most of my life. But in social situations where I have to interact with people I can only do that for so long and then I have to retreat and regroup periodically.

Three – You can understand people better, but you hardly understand yourself:

Oh yeah, this is why I probably spend so much time talking about my personality and how it works.  It’s more about self-understanding and trying to figure myself out than anything else. I have to think about my motives and desires, where figuring out other people’s motives and desires because of my natural empathy is far easier.

Four –  You love to help others, but you find people annoying at the same time:

Yep.  It made me a good pastor but at the same time a pastor that was constantly annoyed with people continuing to make the same mistakes and continued to drain my time with the same problem. I find the fascinating part of people lasts only so long and then their flaws become so apparent that I am ready to head for the door and when I can’t head to the door I feel trapped.

Five – Being a perfectionist who often forgets small details:

Yep.  I have a whole slew of small routines that are designed to make sure I don’t forget the little things and everything has its place mostly for practical reasons along the same line. I like things to be clean and things to go according to plan.  When small details don’t pan out, I can feel let down for sure.

I also don’t notice the little achievements I make as much.  I am looking for the big goal to be accomplished, so when small successes along the way to those big goals are present, I rarely notice them

Six – You are natural loners, but people often mistake you for an extravert:

“Ed, sometimes you are hard to read” and “But I thought you would like that (insert name of a social event)”.  I have heard those two a lot over the years.  Mostly because I am fun-loving and sarcastically humorous enough to wade through most social situations.  I am confident and my ‘-A’ tells you I am also assertive. I was a pastor that dealt with people on a regular basis. I get mistaken for an extravert a lot.

However, I would rather be home alone reading a book or writing or name that at home alone activity.  I am quite comfortable with my own company so I don’t ‘need’ social situations but I do need them periodically to remind me that I am a member of the human race.

Seven – You want to be in a relationship, but often choose to be single:

I am not single but the issues of being in a relationship that is loving are pretty high for me as I possess very high standards of what love is.  This actually causes a lot of problems in this area as I am very aware of what love is but most cannot live up to what I think. The video is spot on about being in love being rare as it has only happened to me three times and when it does I tend to take it hard when it doesn’t work out.

Eight – They are complex, but they have integrity:

This video describes us as being like an onion that you have to peel layer after layer away to get to a true understanding of an INFJ, and I don’t know too many INFJs that would disagree.  It can take literally years to completely understand all aspects of our personality. In the end, if you take that kind fo time you may actually understand us better than we understand ourselves.

Our idealism, however, has a large amount of personal honor to it.  It is no accident that the part of Asatru I struggle with the most is honor and it is the struggle I consider most important. I find it actually more upsetting to myself at my failure to uphold my honor than I give two shits about what others think of it.

Conclusion:

Being walking contradiction or paradox is probably the most accurate thing I have heard to describe me.  Whether this applies to other INFJs I would not speculate but if it is common enough to talk about this way, it is probably mostly true.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“Goals and Routine” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

My meditations have been on my routines but I have to go back to my goals and look at the ones I have achieved and asked what part of my routines helped me achieve them.  This really involves a lot of thought about Routines in the sense that they not only have to line up with goals they also have to practically work.  If I don’t do them and they don’t actually help me achieve my goals then they need change.

This last goal that was achieved reminds me of the fact that feelings cannot be a measure of whether you decide to work on your goals.  If I relied on feelings to achieve blogging every day I would have never made it.  Any writer will tell you that you have to sit down and write regardless of feelings. Writer’s block to me is just another mythological excuse.  I had to sit down at my computer and write regardless of feelings and still do as the streak of daily posts continue.

I need to learn to branch this out a little more to other areas like writing my novel and a non-fiction book, and doing the other things writers do – reading.  The fact is the things I do despite feelings I am having good results in and the rest flounders because I let feelings determine if I do them or not.  That needs to change.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Goal Achieved and that is three out of nine for the year. My thoughts though are this goal is going to be regularly about getting past feelings nad getting habit in my life I need to be a successful writer.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I’m picturing in my head getting a new job, saving up some money and then getting my tattoo on my shoulder.  This would cross off two goals and a bucket list item off this list.  it is the next real major milestone in the journey and need to get there soon. The job search is also one of those things that need to get past feelings.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

In order to write my non-fiction book, writing needs to be every day.  Another place where – “I don’t feel like it’ cannot be present.

Higher Virtue: Love:

If I am going to balance out everything else with love of self, getting past my feelings is the key.  Literally. I need to start putting my feelings to love others in a proper perspective and I need to have some feelings about loving myself that are more developed.  That requires an objective look at feelings – why I have them and what they accomplish. Loving me has become I priority if I am going to move forward with my life and stop these anchors from the past from holding me back.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I am starting today looking at every line of my routines and asking questions about what I need to make them work better and more consistently.  For the Morning Routine, the thing that is missing is a meditation altar and I am going to spend some money to make one with some candles, incense and I found a valknut plaque to be a centerpiece. It’s kind of a project that hopefully will make meditation a little more formal and thus effectively done.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Scattered Grey Showers” -The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 21

Happy Sif’s Day

Of course in the middle of the triumph of achieving a goal, The Grey would have to make an appearance and the problem is it is not one single thing causing the issue but several scattered showers of shit I would rather not deal with; but there it is.  There have been all kinds of scattered Grey showers this week and I haven’t been able to control them all the time which has led to some sleepless nights and emotions that have been less than happy ones.

It actually started the day after I achieved my one-year blogging goal with the simple thought of – ‘yeah that’s great, but you still don’t have a better job yet.”  I hate moments like that because they seem to take all the joy of succeeding at something away from me in a second. I shell up and just exist. I need a new job it’s true, but blogging every single day without fail is an achievement,  I know and anyone who blogs knows it is. It’s just The Grey has a tendency to crop in after I have a high moment.

If this wasn’t enough, I am working one day and over the speakers, it becomes clear that they have at long last changed the loop of songs to something new.  Cool right?  Except that now twice a day it seems I hear the song I don’t want to hear.  “All of Me” by John Legend.  It’s not that I think it is a bad song, it’s damn skippy good.  It is also connected emotionally to Miss Salty in a very strong way and then the whole memories shit of that relationship comes up and I want to cry.  Yeah, 6’4″ 275 lbs. weightlifter crying at work.  So The Grey kicks in as a protective measure and I try to ignore the song.  But later catch me singing it and thinking about her. What the Fuck?  This is why I avoid this song in the first place, and now I can’t avoid it at times.

So, I finally get a day off and I go to bed the night before and I have a dream. Yeah, it’s about The Dirty Pig.  Nothing big or symbolic just him making fun of me and laughing. Him doing his thing of doing things for his own entertainment and throwing me under the bus to that end. I used to be able to control my dreams a little, but as I grow older that ability seems to be lost. I think I still have enough ability to keep the ‘night terrors’ I used to have a bay.  If they come back, that will not be good.

I wake up and then I had to get up for a bit.  Kind of alarmed my wife as it is unusual for me to let my insomnia get me out of bed. The whole extreme anger thing is high with him.  Hard to control.  But then there is my old friend/enemy – the Grey and I head back to bed and fall asleep.

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My personality type makes me emotionally intelligent.  Sometimes called ’empathic’ and it’s pretty high in me.  The curse is that strong emotions in others or in songs or from my past experiences get supercharged because of it.   The Grey has developed in me as a counter to that. When things get too negatively strong, it kicks in to keep me sane. Cool huh?  But the downside is I don’t give a shit about anyone else in those moments.  I have also noted that The Grey occurs more frequently when I am not taking care of myself as far as self-love.  Loving myself keeps the emotional balance better, but I have to really work at that as it is much more natural to help other people than myself.

The other defense is introversion, but that isn’t good for me either.  Part of self-love is receiving love and you can’t do that by yourself.  This what led to the problems of last year.  My wife was penciling me into her busy schedule and I wasn’t a priority.  The church was taking a lot out of me and not giving much back in terms of emotional support and school wasn’t the outlet for my attention like it had been.  Along comes Miss Salty who absolutely understood this and BAM – affair, breakup, getting fired, near divorce, life turned upside down.

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The problem is I am absolutely terrified of letting someone else in right now.  Miss Salty leaving me and The Dirty Pig betraying my trust and leading the other friends I had at the church to fire me have all given me current trust issues off the chart at times. I function all right with people, but let them into my life to love and be loved by them? – yeah, no thanks.  Got my family, a couple close friends and that is it.  My wife helps a lot, but we both have to work and she is extroverted so she has to get away from the apartment or she would go nuts.  That leaves me alone.

The other downside is I get along better with women than men.  Men are comrades in arms but it takes a self-confident guy to be a friend that I trust..  I always feel men are competing with me rather than trying to be a friend. If you are that insecure, yeah, I don’t like you; because I know you’re going to brag about shit in front of me and I don’t do that.  I don’t need to because I am pretty secure in my masculinity.  I don’t have to prove my manhood to anybody.  Only one other guy on the planet gets that right now and that is why we are best friends.  Most men can’t handle that so they shy away for me or our relationship is the joking sarcasm of guys doing the same job and dealing with the same shit.

So women are easier to get along with for me. You can imagine how this is a downside. Today in the western world, 1) showing a woman some attention, 2) understanding her emotions and 3) being self-confident in your own masculinity equals flirting. Like, it comes naturally to me and that has lead to being flirted with back in return more than once.  Pre-affair this was just fun and a way to play around that broke up the monotony of life.  Women made my life more bearable with this flirting with boundaries thing.

Post-affair?  You draw your own conclusions but I have some women now that it is purely professional much like I act with guys.  But my natural tendencies are still there and so subtle I don’t often realize I am doing it.  Getting close to another woman as a friend is just difficult and undesirable given recent events.

So, I am left with my one friend who lives far away who thankfully calls me every few days to check on me and my wife.  My wife and I get along and she now very much understands that you can’t just pencil me in to be my lover/friend.  I have to be much higher on the priority list than that because I am high maintenance when it comes to internal emotions.

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That’s the bitch about being INFJ.  Perfect personality my ass.  Yeah, from an external point of view, we function and don’t appear to need human interaction as much, we navigate emotional situations well outwardly and get along pretty much with anybody.  The price tag of those positives is high internal emotional costs. We pay every part of that cost ourselves for the benefits others enjoy.  No human is strong enough to take that all the time and so the trade-offs are: 1) We disappear for a while, 2) it gets to a point of overload, so we develop coping mechanisms (aka for me The Grey) or 3) Eventually we explode and do something tremendously stupid or risky.  It’s a ticking time bomb that needs to have minutes added to the clock by #1 and 2 or #3 is inevitable.

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On top of it all, today (October 5th, 2019) is the 25th anniversary of my father’s death. Yeah, that always is a grey shower no matter what I do.  I still miss him.

But I keep walking. Ravens on my shoulder and wolves at my feet. My coat and cloak pulled tight against the storm.  No rest for the weary or the wicked.  The showers will eventually end and I will be that much stronger for walking through them.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Polyamory” – Freya’s Chambers – Sexual Orientation

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.  

Discussion:

Polyamory is an interesting topic because it calls into question the need for societal mores in relationship to romance and sex. I have looked at the subjects of polygamy in the Bible and other related issues and came to the conclusion that from a Biblical point of view as long as everyone was in a marriage relationship and there was no homosexual activity, the Bible allowed for it. But now that I would say the Bible is out and I am looking for a more rational viewpoint of romance and relationships in sexual content.  Along these lines there are only three considerations: 1) Is is consensual, 2) have reasonable precautions been implemented, 3) Are the people involved emotionally and mentally mature enough to handle the relationship.  See the source image

Polyamory is pretty much about the consensual sex and romance with multiple partners.  Unlike many relationships that are multi individual in nature, this is out in the open and everyone agrees to it.  There is no ignorance and no one is being forced to be a part of it and no one is being placed in a position where they have to hide anything. It is really the way freedom should be in that there are no restrictions and no secrets. Polyamory passes the first test as that is the point of it – multiple consensual relationships without secrets.

The second issue is that of reasonable precautions being taken.  The two main issues are STDs and pregnancy.  In reading a majority of practitioners of polyamorous relationships the STD question is part of the reason they desire openness as far as no secrets and this means everyone gets to talk about it and when someone new is brought in they have a lot of questions and those in such relationship tend to stay in a prescribed circle because it is more than just them they are protecting.  In any case, the whole point is to establish a boundary and stay within it even though the relationship is polyamorous.  Letting someone in that boundary is a group decision and that’s a pretty effective protection against STDs.

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In the case of pregnancy what you read is pretty much either the whole group takes responsibility for the children if they happen or everyone agrees it is group decision as well to open up the possibility if one of the girls wants to get pregnant.  Until then the girl needs to be responsible for her own reproductive system and quite frankly in the modern western world, there is really no excuse for an unwanted pregnancy anymore.  There really isn’t and that means the statement “My body; my choice” comes with the counter – “Your choice, your responsibility.”  In any case, from the standpoint of polyamory, this is another group discussion.

If you are starting to get the idea that communication has to be very high in these kinds o relaitonships I would say ‘correct’.  It shows people in such relationships have to meet the final criteria of being emotionally mature enough to handle the fact that you are loved by many and love many.  Jealousy, control, and envy can’t really be present. You have to be happy when you are being loved by someone and when they love someone else. You have to love the love you receive and get and are also loving enough to let others love each other.

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More directly, you have to be Ok with the fact that the guy or gall you had sex with that night could be having sex with someone else in the relationship that morning.  While you could make love to another person that same morning. The sexual options are one of the main reasons that people get in these relationships and most of the polyamorous writers I have read don’t believe that humans are naturally monogamous.  That reality accepted they simply are being honest in the relationship they have entered.

I put this under sexual orientation for the simple reason that is it possible that some people are sexually oriented to be open lovers?  To be people who can love many people and make love to many people without being possessive or close-minded or even manipulative?  Is it possible that one sexual orientation is a ‘natural lover’?  I have to think it is possible and I can’t see any reason to think evil of such people because of it.

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I guess the honesty of this type of relationship is a step up by quite a bit from the sneaking around and cheating that is also polyamorous but no one but the cheater is aware of it. That is far more dangerous and disastrous than a group of people who say ‘let’s just set all the secrecy aside and be open about the fact all of us love more than one person here’.  It is the consent and agreement to the simple idea that some people are romantically and sexually capable of loving more than one person at once, and that is entirely OK and you don’t have to stop doing it.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Wolfsbane” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 15

Happy Thor’s Day

Rogue Wizards Journal – September 7th, 2019

Amber definitely has lycanthropy and Lunette and I have been debating what to do.  I hope the ‘cure’ I just tried with Amber works but it is probably going to take a couple days to know for sure. But I am getting ahead of myself and should take this in order.

Amber displayed the restless sleep and the rapidly dilating pupils on the first day.  She woke up screaming the second night.  Then I knew she had it as I have been there.  Lunette for her part at that point created a magical potion from Wolfsbane that is supposed to slow the progress of the disease but the inevitable march would come so the three of us one day sat down to debate what to do.

The first thing we talked about was not Amber’s disease, but the possibility of a werewolf pack being around.  We continued our routine as much as possible including the skinny dipping but we were now much more watchful and we did it earlier during the day saving night time for discussion time.

I set up some wards on the cabin and sauna shed and the path between the two. they would give me a warning buzz in my head if anything got too close. Skinny dipping in daylight would have been interesting but it was now more about a quick cool off before retiring quickly to the cabin.  Our relaxing time had been interrupted by actual danger and that had us all on edge.

Last night we talked about what to do about Amber’s developing lycanthropy.  She, of course, did not want to be a werewolf despite the power.  You slowly but inevitably go feral and there are only a couple cures. The one used on me required killing a werewolf draining its blood and the magical power of Mrs. W. who used both healing and mental magic on me to affect the cure which involved bathing in the blood of the werewolf. The whole ritual died when she did, so that was out.

This, of course, brought out all the other known cures real or legendary.  One of note involved a ritual of wolfsbane potions and a magical altar that reputedly a mage had built for the express purpose of curing lycanthropy. No one knew if it was even real.  Some healing mages of the past and developed enough power to cure it but that was legendary.  Most of the rest were dreams of desperation.

In the end, the discussion turned to me and my antibodies. Mostly how we could use them to cure Amber.  I wasn’t sure how that could happen.  Mrs. W. and I never talked about this and I had always assumed that it was because it was irrelevant, but I had to now consider the possibility that had I been brought forward to cure others it would have tipped people off to my existence a long time ago and that boys and girls would have led to my death.

Now though that the Council was very well aware of my existence, it seemed that this discussion would have been helped if I had approached people with healing magic and asked but I never thought to do so.

How does one normally transfer antibodies from one person to another? Well, you can make a serum from the blood.  But that requires a lab and in this case, a full alchemy lab which we didn’t have access to and would take a lot of energy and time which might reveal where we were. Amber wouldn’t hear of it. Transfusion?  There were other issues most notably biological blood type but more importantly for us, the equipment we didn’t have.

Suddenly Lunette laughed. Amber and I raised eyebrows and watched her for a minute as she chuckled endlessly, then she spoke.

“Fluid transfer, that’s all we need.”

“Ok, Lunette what are you getting at?”  Besides the fact, Amber and I think you have just lost it.”

“Remember when you almost died Edward from that poison blade? How did we cure you?”

“How could I forget?  I lost my virginity and learned to supercharge my healing powers at the same time. Well basically I had sex with you, that’s also how you got those wings of yours.”

“Yep, but the sexual exchange is what did it.  It is the only thing inherently magical about what humans and in particular mages do.  Sexual magic is the key to making it work.  You just need to use it to transfer the antibodies to Amber and you can do it through a combination of magic and sex.

“Now…”

But my voice trailed off as I saw Amber’s eyes.  She had that look on her face where she felt excited but awkward at the same time.  She knew I wanted to take that part of our relationship a little slower. At the same time, she was afraid of what was happening to her and she wanted to make love to me a long time ago.

“Ok. how does that work exactly?”

Lunette explained that the antibodies were magical in nature and that they would be present in all my bodily fluids. The trick would be to get them to magically jump from me to Amber.  This would require natural magical energy and both Amber and myself to focus on what healing skill we had through it.

“Basically Edward you have to do what you did back then and Amber has to open herself up to the transfer with her own healing magic. The sexual act provides the energy boost and the means of transfer. Sexual healing at its finest.”

I had to admit her logic was sound.  I had gone over again and again about how I had not died that time so long ago and it came down to the supercharged nature of the sexual exchange between fairies and mages.  It saved my life and gave Lunette new wings.  The old pink and light purple ones had been ripped off by Elpis.  They had been replaced by these black and dark purple ones and I had a hand in that.

I got up and moved closer to Amber.

“A long time ago, I resisted what Lunette is talking about.  I tried everything else and in the end, it didn’t;t matter.  Practical sexual magic won the day and healed us both.  I am alive because of it.  Now, here you are Amber and my feelings of love for you are brand new. You also have a horrible disease that right now is just beginning to take hold of you.  It is weak and my temptation is to try some other way because it is weak, but every time I do that I regret just going full-on and getting it over with. So, if you think it is worth a try my love, I am willing to try as well.  I mean I am not asking you to do anything horrible but it might be for nothing.  I just wanted more time to get to know you better before we did this.”

“Oh, Edward… I have wanted to make love to you for a couple months.  It’s not me that I worry about.  It’s rushing you.  I love you too much to do that, but I don’t want to be a werewolf either and this does make a lot of sense.  It’s rushing you that doesn’t sit well with me.”

I nodded.  Then I stood up.  And put out my hand.  She took it and I led her into the bedroom with the double bed. No door but I slid the curtain across the doorway and I head Lunette leave the cabin. I took Amber in my arms.

“Gentle, I still am a little sore from my wounds”, she remarked.

“Absolutely, gentle and loving, my love.”

I am not the kind of guy who kisses (or has sex with a girl) and tells.  So, no details other than I am now sitting here in the early morning. looking at her naked body laying in the middle of the bed.  As soon as I finish this entry, I am going to cuddle back up with her and wake her up in a style more befitting a lover.

I hoped this worked.  Lunette is in the other room sleeping on the single bed.  She seems at peace. as well.  I can feel it – love for both of them.  I don’t know where the future leads, but I want them both with me.

Writer’s Notes:

The only thing I am going to comment on is the idea that a person can love romantically more than one person.  given my own experience, I say it is very possible to do so.  It is only our western society that says it is wrong, but I have yet to find any traditional reason to say so.  One form of sexual orientation is bisexual and that kind of assumes a Trois relationship for such a person to be satisfied completely.  I also think that it is more of an ownership thing of saying you control someone else’s sexuality and you don’t simply because you are lovers.

The one thing I think is for certain is the human race is not naturally faithfully monogamous. We have to work at it and that makes things unnatural at times. I suppose if we git rid of jealousy, envy, and desires to control sex and sexuality, it wouldn’t be a problem. But here we are – the human race – flawed and unhappy because of it.  

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!