Love

“Heritage, The Grey, and Dried Salt” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 27

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day:

I should be happy with my life right now, but I struggle with it.  Things are getting better for my life all the time, but I feel something is missing in my life. Now those of you of faith need to understand this has been going on for a while and it isn’t the result of losing my faith as it precedes this.  Jesus never filled this supposed hole in my heart as much as I preached it was so.  Before I lost my faith in Christianity, it was this thing known as The Grey that was like clouds over who I was that indicated to me that I was missing something.

Heritage:

I have been studying my family history to see if there is anything in it that might indicate why this is so. I mean there are signs you can see in people by where they lived when they got married, the number of children, divorce, and death in a lineage that can tell you if things were rough or smooth for that person.  My continued use of Ancestory has proven to me that stories can be written and my lineage is varied but readable.

Some highlights:

  1. My father’s biological parents were people who eventually abandoned him.  His father because he was a drunk and his mother who knew she couldn’t afford him and his siblings.  The Bauman and Hole families are those legacies. The first family stretches back to Germany; the second is Dutch and Irish. I only know all this now because I discovered my biological grandmother’s (who I did meet while she was alive) maiden name and that opened the door to who she was married to and their parents. My grandfather was a drunk by all accounts and my grandmother found herself alone and on the streets.  She gave up my father for adoption.  She would go on to divorce two husbands and finally find a man who treated her well.
  2. This biological lineage has highlights but is noted most for its many marriages, divorces, and remarriages even at times when divorce was only allowed for infidelity indicating that infidelity was present. But also some of these remarriages are because a woman or man would watch their spouse die of some disease. There is a lot of sorrow on this side of the tree inflicted by the world and by self. I can see it and I don’t even know many details.
  3. My mother’s side of the family is far easier and better documented. It is a story of successful farmers, pioneers, and colonists. Most notably the Ackley’s who came from England to settle in the British Connecticut Colonies in the 1600s.  Many of them originally from Weymouth England and London.  They ended up coming further and further west until they settled in the Kalamazoo and Portage area of Michigan.
  4. Of course, my mother’s mom is even simpler and shorter.  The came from the Netherlands.  Like the whole family just picked up and left the Groningen area of the northern Netherlands.  My great grandparents and their parents all at the same time just got on a boat and came to America in the 1890s. They settled in Michigan and the rest is a short but powerful history of a family of Dutch Reformed people doing well in their new land.

So does heritage being this split have an effect on me? I guess I will wait for the DNA test results, to clear up the few loose ends that remain.  But right now the fact all of this is clearer should be something I am enjoying but other things seem to be pulling me into the Grey.

Depression: 

I believe part of it is where I live.  It has been mostly overcast and dreary this winter and that is never good for anyone with depression. I have been getting more concerned about my finances but it looks like a new job in my current company might help alleviate that short term for a bit anyway. My car and I went into the ditch and it is developing mechanical problems since.  I may need a ‘new’ one.  Life is intruding a lot right now and that triggers depression even if it is good.

Family trigger warning: Reading further might be a little too troubling for family members.  I am simply trying to get some things clearer in my mind and I find writing them and posting them does this, so hang on from here down. 

My marriage has definitely improved, but for me, there is still a lot missing and no matter how I try to fight it, I am becoming more restless every single day. The one thing for sure is whatever is missing, this improvement hasn’t fixed it, at least for me. I feel very much like I am giving up what I want to make my family happy at this point. I know what I want to do but I am fairly sure there will be a lot of pushback. This struggle, of course, causes The Grey.  That and thoughts returning from a lost love.

Dried Salt:

Miss Salty returned to mind due to posting a Facebook memory only to find her reaction to it with her name attached.  I guess feelings about her have solidified to a point.  I miss her; I care about her still, but I still wouldn’t trust her.  I know that sounds stupid probably, but the pain of this is still not gone.  I was looking at some old poems about her on this blog and the feelings are still there when I read them.  Although. I did manage to get through John Legend’s – ‘All of Me’ without crying once or shutting it off to avoid crying. She still haunts me like a ghost.

I avoid any sort of news about her, I haven’t even looked at her social media pages since June of 2019. I intentionally try to not think of her at times but she seems to come back in my thoughts more than I would like. WTF?  I should be a lot wiser from this whole situation but I miss that feeling I had and wonder if I can get it back. It is not happening with my marriage, improved though it is.

I guess I cling to this because, for a few months in 2018, I didn’t feel like something was missing.  This bothers me.  What was it that made me feel like I wasn’t missing something, because this relationship with Miss Salty, in the final analysis, was a shitshow?  How did this rollercoaster of an affair make me feel whole for once? For the first time, there was light in The Grey and I want to know what was it about this relationship that did that?  Can I get it back some other way?  All these questions are just made to order triggers for The Grey. I guess I have something to talk about with my therapist.

Walking the Grey:

True to form, Perseverance kicks in and no matter how I feel, I keep walking. I remain The Grey Wayfarer. Ravens of reason and wisdom overhead while following the wolves of what I need and want.  I search for the missing thing that will make me whole once again. Finding this wholeness is a large driving force and motivation in my life right now.  I walk the Grey because this is so worth it to me, I will walk in sadness for the rest of my life to find it.  Succeed or fail, it is worth that much to me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Robert Heinlein’s Line Marriage” – Freya’s Chambers – Sexual Orientation

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

In 1967 the science fiction writer Robert Heinlein published his novel – The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. It was mainly focused on showing how people could not only go to the moon but also after a hundred years establish a colony on it.  In the midst of the story however, he introduced a concept of group marriage called – the line marriage.

See the source image

The main protagonist of the story is in such a marriage.  He has multiple spouses and all his wives also have multiple spouses as it is essentially a polyamorous marriage, although no homosexuality is mentioned. The ficitonal comment is made that the marriage was 150 years old.  The two people who started it had long ago died when the moon colony was young.

See the source image

The idea of line marriage is to keep it going you add to it in such a way that there are multiple generations represented.  In the story, the protagonist is the third husband a far as age with a couple younger ones behind him.  The women are generationally spaced as well. The chief, of course, is that all the wives and husbands can have sex with each other. There are no exclusive bed partners and the members can also date if the aim is to bring in another member.  The real issue is that Heinlein presents a world where sexual jealousy is minimized or a thing of the past.

See the source image

There is a lot of advantages the protagonist points out to this relationship.  There are multiple incomes but only one large dwelling to maintain so they are fairly prosperous. Children in his world require licensing to have because of overpopulation but the ones they do have are considered to belong to the whole marriage. So everybody pitches in and takes care of the children thus they have so burned out is less frequent.

See the source image

The organization of the family is with one head patriarch and one matriarch to handle the day to day issues but more complicated decisions are handled democratically. The rights of each person are respected and the responsibilities are laid out clearly.  The marriage is a true contract relationship and people can leave it, but it is remarked that very few have.

See the source image

The sexual issue was actually handled by the women as far as who was going to sleep with who every evening.  In the book, the protagonist sleeps with two or three of his wives and gets the honor of being the first to consummate the marriage with the woman he brings into it as he patriarch defers to him although he would normally have the right to go first. Not that sexual fidelity seems to be required as long as people are practicing safe sex outside the marriage.

See the source image

Could this concept work in the real world? it has been said that polyamorous relationships, whether married or not, don’t work out long term. I have never seen research to back this idea up so I can only say until lI see some that the concept seems sound. Jealousy and the feeling of being left out would seem to be the biggest dangers of this but the open nature of it would mean the marriage is more about the mutual benefits without the responsibilities being overbearing.  I can’t say at this time that it wouldn’t work.

See the source image

It does reflect I am beginning to understand more and more what people mean by love not being limited by gender or number.  Monogamy is definitely hard to maintain and often leads to a lot of work and disappointment for a multitude of reasons. Those reasons seem to be answered and countered with the idea of line marriage.

My Two Cents,

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Wayfarer’s Wells – Part 1” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues.

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

In searching for an analogy of the purpose of my bucket list items I would say the idea of places on a path that stops at a well where you get to stop, get a good long drink of life and can sit down and pause and reflect on how great life is.   They become these way rest points for the wayfarer’s weary feet.

Under the foundational virtues, the bucket list items are much more about journies – two literal and one of the mind. The issue of be ing a traveler of life comes I up and this is very important to me as I now believe this is the only life I get, so I want to live it to the fullest. At the end of it, I want there to still be my sights on the wayfarer’s wells up ahead.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

This is my major hiking trip goal.  I want to do this as my first test of whether or not. I can be a true hiker at that point. it is something I want to do and enjoy.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I went to Budapest in 2011 with my daughter.  I never really had time to explore the city, but it remains the only city so far I have been in that I enjoyed. I want to return, absorb as much of the culture as I can.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

This is a journey of the mind I want to take this year.  I sued to love reading but school kind fo ruined that which it always does temporarily.  But I feel those juices flowing again and there is so much new to absorb and read so.  I would also lek to be able to say – ‘yep read one book a week for a whole year.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love for self comes up again.  I know it is winter and depression is a little harder to control in the cold and clouds right now, but it is more than that. There is so much I want to do and not a lot of time left when you really think about it in relation to my age and even though my health is good, I don’t want to take that for granted.  If I am going to love myself I need to start taking steps to make these things happen at a higher level. I am starting to feel stuck and that from a self-love point of view is not good.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I find the yoga/stretching with meditation time to be enjoyable. I wish however it was a true habit and I need to work on that.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Two Foundational Goals” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

My rotation leads me to the week’s discussion of my goals and the two left in the Foundational Virtues are both important to me emotionally as well as practically.  Overall I have five out of my nine goals for my 51st-year of life left. The deadline is March 31st.

The first is to cross something off my bucket list under Courage and it is quite likely this will be the goal under the bucket list every single year. The idea is to always be making progress on my bucket list as a motivation.  The most likely candidate for this is getting my tattoo. I actually could do this with my tax return depending on how much it is.  I was hoping to have a better paying job to do this but if not then some money spent on my first tattoo.

The other goal is to finish the manuscript for one of my non-fiction books. No lie, this going to be a challenge now as mostly I find myself getting bored with one project and switching to another.  If I am going to finish this one I am going to have to bear down and finish one thing at the exclusion of writing on the others.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

This blog actually has continued every day without fail since October 1st of last year. The streak is up to 478 days with this post.   A goal that has turned into a genuine habit.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I read spoke at length about this goal but I would add here this is one of those very important goals.  Emotionally very important as it will mark a change from my old life to my new and burning the bridge at last.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

As a writer, this goal is emotionally important as well.  I have written a novel although it is too awful for publication without some major reworking of it.  What I haven’t done is write a non-fiction book and that needs to be conquered simply from an emotional ‘I can do this’ point of view.

Higher Virtue: Love:

The love for myself is both these goals. Emotionally it marks me caring more about what I want than what others think and feel.  I need to cross this bridge very badly for my own self-love’s sake.  I need to cross it and then burn it behind me.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

Like this, it just needs to be more consistent.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Principles – Moving Theory to Action” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

Virtues are good and all but they mean nothing if they are not put into practice.  To help facilitate this I added principles that are designed to take the noble language of each principle and boil it down to a simple statement of active action.  Once every five weeks, I go through them to check myself against the trap of having noble virtues but doing nothing to put them into practice.

The foundational principles are simple but in truth like all simple things harder to master. This is where feelings become more than feelings becoming passions.  Those passions move me from thought to action.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Of all my principles this one keeps me looking to the future to that day when I look in the mirror and see an honorable man. It also causes me to evaluate people in the light of honorable things rather than the superficial looking at jsut what they do for me. What people say and do is not the truth, but the patterns of behavior and life that lead to honor is what I  look for now. I suppose it is one thing about my trust issues that have caused me to grow in a positive direction.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

This probably the most constant principle I deal with every single day.  The constant evaluation of what is the bravest thing to do and when to do it. It is the principle that motivates most of the others.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

I guess the shift in principle is to move from admiring truth and seeking it to its proclamation.  To this end, I have started a Youtube channel.  I guess I miss having a pulpit and so I made one.  You can check it out at – The Rabyd Atheist

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love of self and others is an active thing.  Love has a lot of parts of speech but my principles take it from being a noun that I talk about to being a verb that I act on.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

This actually can be done very quickly and has stabilized my mornings and gets my head into a better frame of mind.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Counseling Thoughts” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

I would normally be doing a Freya’s Chambers today but I need to do some more research on some things before I wrote about them.  Part of the problem is my thoughts are a jumbled mess since meeting with both my job coach and my therapist on Wednesday so I feel the need to write about this at least in general terms.  It is not really a The Grey and The Wayfarer kind fo post.  More of thoughts being conflicted sort of post so I am trying to sort them out by writing about them.

Every time I think about the job situation it brings up a whole pack of emotions because of the fact that my last church fired me instead of accepting my resignation so it leaves my job history with a huge hole. Of course, I don’t feel I want to use any of those people as contacts for new jobs because I clearly can’t trust them.  That resource is gone and so I am now painfully aware I need to do something very uncomfortable for me which I build my network back up and that means talking to people about what they do and seeing if it fits me. I am just not very good at just starting cold conversations like that.

I am creating multiple prototypes of my life to come but all of them require either moving to the one place I still have contacts and that is not going to sit well with my wife and perhaps even my family.  I WANT a completely fresh start just to move on.  Just to have the feeling that I am not going to run into somebody I know and have to explain things all over again.   I won’t have the fear of running into Miss Salty or the Dirty Pig because I still don;t know how I would react to either. I just to be with my best friend and start over in a new place with new people.  This involves a big move literally and figuratively.

I don’t know how to express this any way that is spoken, so I write about it and I am trying to be careful about being open about what I talk with my therapist about in detail but the fact that I continue to struggle with doing what would make me happy versus what makes everyone else happy has become the BIG struggle of my life. This is my frost giant to fight right now. The problem is sometimes I see the face of the frost giant and it’s my own.

Part of me died with my faith, but it keeps acting like a ghost to haunt and attack my thoughts and feelings.   I am trying to bring new life to the place of deadness, but to me, that means a lot of new things need to happen and soon.  As an atheist, life is much more precious to me now realizing it will be the only one I get and is finite. I want my own happiness to be central and I want to do all I can to secure it.  I just don’t feel that will ever happen if the situation does not change drastically.

Both my job coach and my therapist have helped me sort out my own thoughts on this and for that, I am very grateful.  I truly think people should get over the stigma of therapy.  I am glad to have it. I have to thank The Clergy Project for that.

Thanks for reading this very personal post but it needed to be done.  My writing has stimied and so has my reading.  Sometimes getting things off my chest helps.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Viking Virtues – Part 1” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I begin the first journal post of the year, I am glad to find myself discussing the virtues of Asatru directly.  If I find anything that is with me at the beginning of the year it is not so much as to make resolutions ( I didn’t and don’t) but to renew my resolve.  I have never been one to just hope events will change my lifestyle but rather work every day to improve myself and be better than I was the day before.  That is why I journal on this blog and why my goals and bucket list items are regular parts of my life. The point of them is to keep my resolve into achieving more each day.

Honor, Courage, and Truth are foundational because they represent things that hold up the rest.  While the other virtues are more active, these are a constant force that underlies every decision and action I make. They are core.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Honor and Respect are the qualities that I need in my life.  I have found other things are much more valuable and profitable when I value and honor myself. Honor is something that is the greatest struggle for many and I am no exception.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I still find myself holding back regarding certain people and ideas. I just need to find a little more steel to put in my veins. The iron of heart.  There are some discussions that need to take place.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

Speaking the truth to myself is the hardest.  I wonder sometimes if that fucker listens to himself. But in the end when accepted the greatest freedoms arise.  Truth is valuable and I need to see that again.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I need to love myself.  That is all that needs to be said.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I like it now and so far so good.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Epilogue I” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 23

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Rogue Wizard’s Journal – November 6th, 2019

Currently, we are in the basement of an old burned-out farmhouse.  The place is actually quite nice and hidden by magic.  An old safehouse according to Lunette. it is pretty much a well-hidden magical apartment with three bedrooms, a couple baths, and a living and dining room area next to the kitchen.  We are quite comfortable and using only one bedroom at present.

When I came to, Amber was there to greet me and my tears about Elpis’ death.  Lunette was on a scouting run trying to get some information from her sources.  When she got back and heard my tale she started to weep herself.  I don’t think I ever saw Lunette and Elpis get along and Lunette had a lot of reasons to dislike and even hate her, but in the end, it was the last link Lunette had to her past much like me and she knew it.  Needless to say, I held a sobbing pixie while I cried with her for about ten minutes.

Amber for her part tried to comfort us both and the whole thing kind of delayed Lunette’s report.  When she finally calmed down she took a deep breath and reported the following:

  1. The fight we had with the Death Angels had been observed by other agents of the Council and it was truly believed that I was dead. No one survives as death bolt. My case file was closed.
  2. While the Council was interested still in finding Lunette, they had bigger fish to fry after my death and so she was to be left free for a time.
  3. Despite Amber’s defense of me, it was ruled she was acting according to the Lioness’ directive so she was under orders to protect me which she could not shirk.  The council simply ruled that House Venus would decide her fate, but no word had come what the Lioness would do.
  4. The war was going badly for both sides as the casualties were mounting.

‘You’re dead Edward.”

I did a quick divination connection check on the letter I had dropped and it was still hidden.  My magic hadn’t kicked in for death so I was dead to the magical world, but the real one still hadn’t been informed. I wasn’t dead according to magic.

“Yeah, but I will still just be a missing person’s case to my family.”

Lunette spoke very directly, ” You need to keep it that way, at least until the rebels win against the two sides.  You need to go into deep hiding for a while.”

“But the rebellion will need us.”

“No, don’t you see. Elpis gave you a gift of more than your life.  She gave you the possibility of a new one.”

Amber spoke, “Yes.  But in truth, she gave us all a chance at that.  A pixie and her female lover are not going to be much on the radar of either side if they are both outcasts. Especially if both sides think we are too far distraught from losing you.”

“But, Elpis told me to love you both and let you love me.  You are not just proposing I hide but that we separate.  I don’t know if I could take that right now.”

“You have to for a little while.  Until you find a place that is safe from discovery and then we can join you.  If the Council is defeated, then we will all be safe to come back together. We will know you are safe and how to find you with the tattoos.”

We argued well into the night, but I had to eventually agree with both of them. They insisted that I recover, but I am fine.  I just need to prepare for a long time away from my girls and to find a place where I will be safe.

I don’t know about this.

Writer’s Notes:

I am going to wrap this series up by the end fo the month latest. I will probably replace it after I finish Space Tramp as well.  My main issue is to wrap up some loose ends in this series and then finish Space Tramp as well and then move on to something else.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Before and After” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 24

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day!

This post is a little later than usual because I am doing a little bit of an experiment with it.  In about a half-hour, my therapist and I will be meeting via Skype and we will be hopefully discussing some of my issues so what you are getting with this installment is The Grey and The Wayfarer ‘before and after’.  So the part marked ‘Before’ is what I was thinking before I went into session and the part marked “After” is my thoughts as I reflected on them after the session.  It has really been up and down these last two weeks so I need to talk about that.

Before:

The issues I want to discuss in this session are the main two of my marriage and identity.  In the issue of my marriage, there are some things I need to discuss with my wife and my therapist is going to help me, according to our last session, as to how to approach this discussion as I am a little apprehensive of talking about the specific issues.  It’s weird because this isn’t about sex or intimacy but more about common goals, vision and what are we going to do now. What are we now with our values shifting in different directions and the objective for our lives shifting.

The second issue of identity is one of trying to figure out what I am now that I am both an atheist and no longer a pastor.  Part of this is career issues that my job coach is helping me with and I will talk on that at a different time.  This is deeper than that.  More of a foundational question.  My hope is there will be some insight as the last two sessions have been more of me talking and her digesting things and coming to understand my situation.  Hopefully, she has some wisdom, because right now I could use some and I am starting to feel confined and trapped by the situation.  That’s before.  See what happens and then I will write an after and then post both.

After:

Things worked as I think she guided my own thoughts into doing what needs to be done.  I need to really think about a direct course of designing my life as far as what I am going to be while having options.  My primary identity is being a writer, but it is going to be my second one which can be multiple things that will define me as far as other people are concerned for a while.

Also, we talked about Christmas and the family mostly.  I just don’t want it to be drama, but I also have the task of telling people I don’t pray anymore over the meals.  It’s more about celebrating the season of Yuletide and being with the kids and grandkids as much as possible. I am just there to enjoy, not be the spiritual master of ceremonies.

Of course, we talked about my marriage and all I will say about that is that a conversation between us needs to take place soon.  No more there, as no one else needs to know yet what is going on. I just now have it very clear that before the new year my wife and I need to talk about some things. ‘Need’ being the keyword.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year’s End” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

It should be noted, that for me new years and years end from a calender sense do not mean as much to me. My philosophy has always been that the day you are thinking about doing something is the day to act on it.  If you wait till later, it will fade and you will find yourself not doing it.  My year cycle goes from April to March which coincides with my birthday.   That is mostly about the assessment of progress and making adjustments to goals and my bucket list.

That said as I am starting to look back at 2019. I can say at least it wasn’t shitty for me.  Not what I wanted completely but it didn’t suck like 2018 or cause grief like 2017.  The two things that bother me right now is I felt I would have a new job by now and that I would have crossed at least one thing off my bucket list by now.   The deadline is March 2020, but those were the things I wanted to get off my list before the end of 2019.

I suppose it could still happen but I am thinking it will be early 2020 that those things will happen and so 2019 has been the same ole for the entire year.  It is the part I have found most frustrating.  But this week is about looking at my bucket list and I am trying to remind myself that I still have three months left.  it really isn’t ‘year’s end’ for me yet.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

The real issue here is once I  get a new job, I want to start planning on how to gain the hiking equipment I need to start planning for day hikes, weekend hikes and eventually this hike. As a hobby, hiking is less expensive than most but getting good durable equipment will be my first issue.  After that its all about planning and getting some experience.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Money rears its ugly head on this item too.  I mean vacations are not that difficult to save for if you have some disposable income.  This has a ten-year time limit; well, nine years now.  I suppose this year’s end is a reminder that the clock is ticking.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

This is a new item and begins at year’s end.  I need to start planning this one out at least a month at a time.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I think for the purpose of self-love, I need to have a bucket list item crossed off very soon. I need 2020 to be a good year.  I really need that at this point.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

My routines are good and next week I will look at them specifically.  But mostly it is the execution that needs to be better.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!