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“Writing Against Anxiety” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day! 

Journal Entry:

Most of my bucket list items under business involve writing.  I am a writer and I need to become a published one on more than my little blog here.  That requires becoming a writer in the sense of the quote above.  I have gotten to the point where when I write it is as natural as breathing.  What I haven’t yet achieved is the not writing makes me anxious except for this blog. In the last year or so I have developed that in my life but I need it to be true for both my writing away from the blog and my reading.

I keep needing to develop the discipline of it so that 3eventually it becomes second nature to write a few thousand words a day.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved when each person is their own master and no one else’s’ .”

Principle: To walk in the spirit of independence by being my own master and no one else’s

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List: To be a published author of at least five books by March 2029

Nine years from now I want to look up at a small shelf wherever I ma living and see five books with my name on them in published form. Not a simple task but proof that any identity I develop revolves around a central core of being a writer.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published by March 2022.

I still have two years before this one is due but it simply means writing the novel which I have done one already (It’s an awful little thing) I just need to take the lessons learned and write a second and get it published.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.  (Goal Achieved

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

I don’t need much in the way of a place to live.  I just want it to be my own, be secluded and quiet and have all the things I need to be healthy and happy.  part of that would probably be a place to write or more importantly more places to write. A writer’s house with many options for a quiet writing place.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I am trying to be fair to myself. This last year has been a dreaming year and it continues but once March 2020 comes around the dreams need to start taking form for progress to be made.

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, templates
  4. Weightlifting: Gym time – 1 hour after work.
  5. Writing: 1000 words/day.
  6. Reading – 1/7 of a book a day
  7. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, job search, other actions, etc.
  8. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  9. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

Next week it will be time to look closer at these routines.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Lonely Milestones” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 24

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day!

Introduction:

I know some of you are probably expecting Space Tramp and I do apologize for not having it this week.  I am really struggling with inspiration for writing and the issue of my muse is going to come up soon in my writing.  Its why I am trying to finish both Rogue Wizard and Space Tramp in the next couple of months because I am trying to get a completely new fantasy series going that creates a muse of sorts.  Or more concretely explores the topic of inspiration so I can find a source for it that is more consistent.

I have a few things to talk about in this edition of The Grey and The Wayfarer.   1) Some Milestones for the Blog, 2) My Loneliness and 3) A Personal Reflection on Therapy.

Blog Milestones:

Some good news upfront.  1) This blog actually past 500 posts a couple of weeks ago.  Now I can say I do have a bit of content.  2) Yesterday I hit the 100 WordPress follower mark.  I want to thank everyone for reading and following.

My Loneliness:

The Grey for the last few weeks has brought about loneliness I can’t describe other than to say that no matter what I do I can’t shake the feeling.  I don’t know if it is the realization of mortality or perhaps simply a broken heart still bleeding on the inside. I miss some people being in my life more consistently but there is the need in my heart for someone who truly gets me.

I either did have that for a few months in 2018 or thought I did and I miss it terribly. There is still a hole in my life from a relationship that is now gone and I am still dealing with it.  It’s the same observation that I have had that I long for a relationship that is intimate on a more instinctual emotional level.  But my heart is guarded by attack dogs, a wall of Trust No One and staying distant for fear of being hurt again.

I hate being INFJ where you can read other emotions on people like a book and even have my own emotions mimic theirs.  The only time I know what I am truly feeling is when I am alone and then when I try to express it verbally to others, it comes garbled or not at all because I don’t want to trouble others with my feelings. Only writing them seems to work.

The lonely wanderer is who I am and I both love and hate it. There is a wisdom to it.  There is loneliness I can’t describe to it as well.  I am glad I have a support group, a job coach and a therapist to talk me through things. But at the same time, they can’t fix my problems, I have to do that.

Therapy Reflections:

Of course, some of you are wondering at this point – ‘what about his wife?”  My wife is a wonderful person and I know she loves me and I love her.  It is just with all the changes to me and my outlook on life I am starting to feel trapped again by this marriage.  There is no common core goal for this marriage anymore and that is largely my fault because I am the one that has changed so much.  I like change – life is a journey of constant change and I embrace that and it is hard to live with someone who would rather have stability and security.  Nothin wrong with those things, they just are not me anymore.  They also are not real to me anymore.

This is why even though our relationship is much better as far as friendship and intimacy, it still leaves something to be desired from my perspective.  Once again because of my changed worldview.  My wife and I got married because we were Christians and called into the ministry and everyone told us we would be good ministry partners. We were also secretly personally guilt driven into marriage because we were having sex for months before we were married. In the mindset we were brought up in; once you fuck you better get married or you’re sinning against a holy god. There was no consideration of compatibility or common interest.  It is why some look at us and don’t get it. I at times feel that way too.

That is why in therapy the majority of focuses on what my new identity is now to deal with the loneliness question and a lot of questions on how to make this marriage work despite widely diverging values.  My wife seems content but I know I am restless.  Very restless. I don’t want to get to the point where I hate my life and marriage and all that goes with them again.  But if something doesn’t change soon, that is where I will be.  I know myself much better now and the danger is very real.

Thanks for reading all that if you did.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Rogue Wizard Delay and Other Notes” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 23

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sols’ Day!

Rogue Wizard Delay:

No, it is not an accident there is a delay in the next chapter of Rogue Wizard and this is a The Grey and The Wayfarer post for The Rabyd Skald.  It’s connected to the fact that the more I think about writing this next chapter, the more the Grey seems to hit me.  It seems to be one of those moments where I have a choice about facing the Grey and walking through it – it needs to be done.  But when I do this is up to me.

Writing is therapy for me, as many of you know.  Sometimes it is unpleasant and has to be done. Other times it flows.  I this case I know what I want to do and what should be done and they are the same. The problem is the process of writing is going to be an emotional roller coaster. So I am having trouble,  but I will have it done by next week but not this week. Apologies.

Support Group:

My support group is working out very well. I mean it is great to have fellow former clergy to talk to who are also non-believers in anything.  It makes everyone relatable and a lot of them have been through the process and at a later age than me so they help out a lot in keeping my feet on the ground and standing.

My Therapist: 

My therapist and I have had two sessions.  Doing it on Skype allows me to see her and she can see me so it gives me a genuine reactions both ways.  She is a good listener and hasn’t been judgmental at all.  Mostly though she has listened to me and thinks that next session we can start working on a plan.  The main two issues I deal with on this level are my change of identity and my marriage.

Job Coach: 

Through The Clergy Project, I also have job help for my career change.  I decided that even though I could use a new job soon to go more organic and find what fits me as well.  I don’t want to be doing a job I hate just to pay the bills anymore. So what do I enjoy and can make money at the same time is a journey of discovery and my job coach is taking me on and she is really thinking January or February which still is within my goal of having this done by March.

Reading List:

I was reminded by my wife that there are many books on my shelf that I have not read and should read them. So new books only when needed to keep the pattern of a non-fiction book; then a fiction book.  I haven’t been doing well on this yet, but I have started. Mostly though it is going to be a process of going through my library and pulling out things I haven’t read and putting them together to work through the rest of this year and next.

Writing Books:

I have come to the conclusion that I need to do my book writing like I do this blog.  I need about 3-5 projects at once and rotate them so boredom does not set in. Basically, I have three non-fiction books and two fiction in the hopper now.  I try to make progress on one or more every day.  It is the word count that matters.

Final Word:

Thanks for everyone’s patience.  My emotions tend to dominate my writing more than other things in my life. I have been able to be consistent on this blog, but other things need consistency too. Thanks for reading.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Taking a Day Off” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!!!

I am doing this post just to keep the daily blog streak going but I am a little fried from Black ‘Friday’ at my work and a long week in general.  I have a few sd=days off in a row so I am going to take this one and take a breath and do some serious relaxing.  I need to think about some things too.

Hope you all had a good holiday.  I will be back as normal tomorrow.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Blog Housekeeping” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

I need to make some changes so this post is more ‘by the way of announcement’ than anything else. Freya’s Chambers will return next week.  My motivation is partly to make the time it takes to write this blog more uniform every day.  This will open up time for my other writing projects that I need to get busy on.  Mostly it is Mani’s Day, Woden’s Day and Frigg and Freya’s day that get crowded with double posts and I need to cut that down from three days to one.  The idea is to get back to the one post a day format as much as possible.  So the Weekly schedule is going to look something like this.

Sol’s Day: The Pagan Pulpit, Rogue Wizard

Mani’s Day: Of Wolves and Ravens

Tyr’s Day: A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

 Woden’s Day: Odin’s Eye

Thor’s Day: A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

Frigg and Freya’s Day: Freya’s Chambers

Sif’s Day: Space Tramp, A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

This schedule gets me back to the daily blog routine I want which is: 1) File Yesterdays post, 2) Edit Today’s post, 3) Write tomorrow’s post, 4) Create a template for the post two days out and 5) Write a ficitonal post on my days off which I usually have two a week. I enjoy writing the ficitonal posts and I want to feature them on the weekend.

Right now this is about creating time for National Novel Writing Month which I am using to write a Non-fiction book at 2000 words a day but that habit of 2000 words a day needs to continue into the future as a writer. That means some changes to the bog to make the time spent consistently around and hour.

All the posts will drop at 4 pm except the fiction post appearing on Sif’s Day and The Pagan Pulpit which will drop at 10 am on the weekends.  From the standpoint of A Skald’s Life, my journal posts, this will also provide Sif’s Day being sort of a weekly recap.

This new schedule will begin on November 4 with Of Wolves and Ravens for that day.  This weekend will be another The Rabyd Skald tomorrow for the purpose of working on my booklist for the remainder of this year and the Pagan Pulpit will be Sol’s Day.  After that, the new schedule begins.

The Rabyd Skald Posts will, of course, be the rogue posts of this blog.  Appearing when they appear as needed.

Once again, to all that read my journey put in blog form, thank you. Writing this blog has mostly been about sorting out my personal issues, but the fact that some of you take the time to read me, like the posts, and comment on some of them is truly appreciated.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“2000 Words” -A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

Since writing my post for Saturday about National Novel Writing M0nth (NaNoWriMo) and deciding to use that month to instead do a Non-Fiction Book, I have been meditating on the 2000 words per day goal with that. I am now pretty confident t about that as I not only feel this is a worthy goal and one that is achievable for me, I feel it needs to be a daily habit to hit a word total each day.  The reason I say this is a far more concrete goal than writing for an hour that I have had before.  Because you can sit there for an hour and write only 500 words. I think the issue is making a goal that actually gives me daily progress.

To put it in perspective, my average post on this blog falls within 1000 words.  Pretty typical for me and that takes 30-45 minutes to write and then probably another 15 minutes to edit. If I follow my pattern of letting a post sit a day and editing it again the next day, that’s another 15 minutes.

Writing a book is a different matter because the editing for me would be akin to sitting down for hours and reading the material and editing it all in one go. So I could just follow the NaNoWriMo philosophy and just write and get the 2000 words in an hour or at the most an hour and a half. Very much possible if I put off some personal entertainment and get about the business of writing.

This week I will be hitting my principles in A Skald’s Life so that will be reflected bellow.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I guess I find it easier to find personal honor in others than in myself.  I am an observer of people and I find what is good in a far different way than before.  Honor is a feeling of value and it is far easier to find value or how people are valuable when thinking about others for me.

It is finding value in myself right now that is a challenge.  I just am struggling with that right now. I need a new life in the sense of having a new place, job and environment I think. It is why I am going to be expanding my job search for most of the country.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Philosophically, I don’t struggle so much with acting once I know what the right thing is, it is determining the right thing. I was told recently I am a little bit of an enduring asshole. That is a reflection of a little less tolerance for bullshit in my life and standing up to it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

I think sometimes people have taken aback that I tell the truth a lot, even when it makes me look less flattering.  They are probably used to lies and accept them as part of life from others. I just don’t have it in me to lie to people anymore.  I spent a lot of my last three years of ministry, fronting a lost faith and have no desire to front anything anymore. What you see is what you get with me; take it or leave it.

I still struggle with what the truth is and how to deal with it.  I realized three months ago I was wrestling with whether I believed in any god at all and only recently accepted I don’t and to be honest the world could be here without god at all.  If there is a god, he is either one that doesn’t give a shit or we are just an experiment in a petri dish to him.  He isn’t benevolent that’s for sure. I have no evidence, in any case, to believe so until some evidence is given, I am facing the truth that I am for all practical and philosophical purposes an atheist.   So I am an Athiest Humanist with Pagan tendencies. 🙂

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love for the people who are important to me – check.  Love for self – hesitation to check. I am at a love crossroads regularly.  I need to take the self-love fork soon or there is going to be a problem.  I will get too close to the cliff of self-sacrifice to death if I don’t take the self-love fork at a certain point.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene. Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

I like this routine now better than before.  It allows me to get the basics done and be ready to go through the day.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Happy 1st Birthday to The Grey Wayfarer!!!” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

One year ago today, I laid down my first post on this blog. It seems like a lifetime ago in some respects.  That first post was fairly simple as I chronicled briefly my history with blogging in general and then introduced the main concepts behind The Grey Wayfarer.  After that, I created my initial list of posts that would appear and proceeded the next week to get the ball rolling.

Oddly enough most of those post types remain.  The only one that is gone is The Grey Wayfarer (a fantasy serial) that I killed because I think it might be the seed for a novel.  The Rabyd Skald, Odin’s Eye, Of Wolves and Ravens, A Skald’s Life and The Pagan Pulpit have remained regular weekly features from day one until today. They have become the trunk of the tree that is the blog known as The Grey Wayfarer.  They also have definitely fulfilled their objectives.

From that first post is the following paragraph:

Now, one final word on the nature of these posts and the blog as a whole.  This is a new blog, and while it has at its roots the substance of the old blogs and its trunk is hopefully all the aspects of what makes good writing, it is its own tree, so to speak. Where its main branches, tributaries, and twigs end up is anyone’s best guess. I have come to the belief that the best blogs are a good blend of organization (pruning) and organic growth (freedom). You never know down which branch the best flowers and fruits will be discovered.  A balance of reasonable inquiry and creative discovery is what I am going for here.

I would say that it has grown into a solid sapling and its future may yet to be seen but I am very proud of this little blog right now. It has also given my life a little structure and substance.  Something that was a goal right from the start.  Another paragraph from that first post:

The problem has been for me that without blogging my life seems very much adrift. I am struggling with school and even though my marriage seems better, I seem to be losing track of what I ultimately want for me and my marriage as well as other things. My struggles with faith have come to a standstill and several emotional issues are just not being resolved.   I am not writing about these things and so I am not making progress. Blogging has been my personal therapy for a long time and without it, I am not sure what I am doing with my life. #True Story

I can now say that I have the start of a good moral compass in the virtues, with attached principles to follow.  Out of these has been created goals and a bucket list. I am no longer adrift.  I can also say that my struggles with faith and spirituality have made significant progress.  Getting past all the gobblygook and instead focusing on virtue has been a great move for me.  I guess I have made progress on my emotional issues, but the struggles with lost love, betrayal, and purpose remain. But I can at least focus on them by writing about them and every time some insight or progress is made so The Grey Wayfarer has lived up to its name.

Some milestones and facts for the past year;

  1. Almost 5000 views – For a first-year blog it is not my best, but certainly not my worst.
  2. Almost 2500 visits which means that people spend a little time here looking at more than one post, so that is cool.
  3. Almost 500 likes.  It sounds like a whole bunch of almosts but it indicates people enjoy the content so I will keep plugging along.
  4. Most of my traffic is from the United States but there are honorable mentions to Australia, Canada, India, The United Kingdom, and Ireland.  72 countries in total.  Definitely an international blog.
  5. The most typed in search phrase that got me found, I find interesting – ‘ed raby blog’  – Given that this blog was forged into existence because I shut down my old blogs; so then, if someone didn’t know from my Facebook page about the new blog, they would have used this search to find me and I find that very interesting.  But I never lost a Facebook follower in the last year, but I have gained about 14 of them.  So this might be people shooting in the dark.  Old friends or enemies.
  6. Some of my most popular posts have been things that were very recent. I had a lot of traffic for my year ago retrospect posts in August. particularly the post on my breakup with Miss Salty.  That month actually had a lot of traffic and it seems that people might just still be taking an interest in my personal life. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it.
  7. My traffic feed comes from two major sources – Facebook (my page) and the WordPress reader.
  8. As of today: I have 82 followers from WordPress and 64 on Facebook.  Some duplicates there.  I am linked to my Twitter feed but I don’t really use it. Considering I started at 1 with myself, it has been a good year.

This will be the only post today.  I know Space Tramp normally falls on today, but this day is marked for one thing – celebrating the birthday of this blog one year ago. May it have many more.

I will double up on Thursday with Space Tramp and Rogue Wizard to make up for the single post today.  My plans include keeping the streak of consecutive days posting going for as long as possible.  The first year was only the beginning.

So join me in wishing this blog a happy first birthday.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“One Year – Made it” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

The moment this post goes active, there will be a WordPress notification that tells me this is a streak of 365 days – 1 year.  Tomorrow will be the one-year birthday celebration and I will talk about that in more detail then.  But for today, I want to take a deep breath and enjoy the fact that a finish line was crossed.  Something I set out to do was completed and quite frankly right now I could use the win.

In the ‘A Skald’s Life’ posts this week I will be focusing on the principles of each virtue.  The virtue is the idea, the principle is the beginning plan of action to make it happen. A guiding idea that takes each virtue and puts it into practice.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Honor is one of the most tricky virtues of them all. I have worked hard to shuck off the past and live in the present moment. One can only take one’s honor at the present moment and build it and that comes from a sense of personal pride. I still struggle here for myself but note people who are honorable and people who are not.

Goal achieved today.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

What specifically is the right thing to do is often self-evident for me.  The tricky part is to act on it at the right time. If there is one specific thing that happened recently it was to take the plunge and be a writer first and whatever second.  That said now finding a better job may be in focus, but given the situation at my current work, I just don’t feel that is my avenue to find a better job.  Time to search for something better with more energy and act with courage.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I am not sure honesty serves me well in all things, but I guess given my personality I would rather fail and maintain truth than succeed with a lie. My personality would never see this as a liability as INFJs are idealistic as fuck and here I am. I find myself quiet a lot these days.  I simply don’t think most of humanity is ready for the truth because it is uncomfortable. I would rather stay quiet than engage the comforting lies most people tell themselves.

Higher Virtue: Love:

The struggle between the love of myself and the love of others continues. The warnings I have gotten from studying my personality and my counselors over the years echo in my head – ‘You need to remember to take care of yourself. It’s something you are going to struggle with, so remember to do it.”  Yeah, I know.  I just keep running into a wall about it.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

Better, but needs to be complete.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Music – My Meaning Between Words (or How to Know the Real Me) ” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

 

Happy Sif’s Day

Discussion: 

It has been a while since I have discussed music and its relationship to my life.  I guess I would describe music as my meaning between words.  I don’t actually perform music but have an uncanny ability to be listening to something and feeling what the artist is feeling very strongly.  This also has to lead to sometimes shutting a song off and moving on because it is not what I actually feel, because it doesn’t resonate. When it does, then it becomes my meaning between words.

I guess the best way to show how important this is to tell you how you get to know the real me.

  1. Firstly don’t expect me to jump up and down if you meet me.  My trust level is pretty low of new people because of many painful experiences so I will speak in two languages to you at first – English and profanity (light).  Over time you might graduate to harder profanity (fuck as a root word) and sarcasm. If this offends you were are done; if not then, this means I like you. It doesn’t mean we are friends, just I like you.  If I add my fourth language – real shit, then you have become a 1st level friend.  That’s it, don’t expect a huge fanfare about it.
  2. If you want more than that, it is on you.  Sorry, introverts have friends because someone came along and adopted them as friends.  I am INFJ so understand my idealism about friendship is higher than the value I place on my relationship with my family. You want to know me better, it’s on you.  I have to see you value friendship with me enough to make some sort of effort to reach out.  Otherwise, as an introvert, I am happy to move along with my own company.  I get along great with myself.  This is the point where understanding me and friendship diverge.  They become two different things.  Friendship with me after this takes time and demonstration in action, not words.  Getting to know me is actually easier and the more you do, the more it speeds up the friendship process.
  3. To understand me completely as in my thoughts and feelings, don’t start with conversations with me, I am guarded as fuck in conversations and evasive as to my feelings and thoughts in that context.  It takes a long time for me to open up to someone in conversation. First impressions of me are often off by quite a bit because I would just as soon move on from your presence as talk to you. If you meet me don’t think you know me. Observation and conversation will get you about 15-20 percent of the real me and only the parts I allow people to see.
  4. Read what I write. INFJs pick an artistic outlet to express real thoughts and feelings and mine is writing.  This blog is right now my main expression of thoughts and feelings and a person who reads this blog will get another 40-60% of me depending on whether or not you also know me where I live.  I am pretty transparent here on The Grey Wayfarer so minimum if you live somewhere else in the world you would know about 40% of the real me by reading it.  If you know me personally and read this blog you are going to get about 60-65% of me.  The real me.
  5. Ask what music I am listening to.  This will give you an additional 10-15% because no matter what you learn from observing me and reading my writing, this fills a lot of the gaps.  There are thoughts and feelings I cannot put into words but if you listen to the music I am listening to, you will get a little more of me. that will put you at 70-80% if you know me, read what I write and listen to the music I am listening to as well. At that point, you are on the fast track to becoming a member of my very small inner circle.
  6. Getting to know the rest of me involves getting in that inner circle and that is where the friendship, and getting to know me, come back together.  Inner circle people get to actually will hear more of the real me in conversations. That’s how you know you have arrived when how I talk to you starts to sounds more like this blog. At some point, you will be at about 90%.
  7. The other ten percent requires a level of intimacy that few achieve. You have either known me for a very long time, are or were my lover at some level, or you are me. My personality is such that even with people I have considered friends all my life and even my wife I keep a few cards close to the vest. Very few get to see them. I would say only one person has gotten close to 100% and she is no longer part of my life except as a ghost.

People ask what about my wife at this point?  My wife is a good woman and loves me very much.  I love her but the struggle in our relationship is that she knows me pretty much by watching me, being my friend for a long period of time and being my lover. She is not a reader and our discussions of music involve musical taste not what we are listening to and why. This means two of the biggest avenues she could get to know me with better she does not utilize.  My personality is such that because of this I get guarded even with her because of this.  Note I am saying is mostly on me there, not her.

You would think after 30 years of marriage, I would be having open conversations with her about everything. Especially since we actually have on top of the length of the relationship, being lovers.  But my INFJ guard is up with everyone including her and that is just how I am.  Getting to know me requires effort, reading my writing and listening to my music.  Otherwise, you could probably get to 80% otherwise at most, which is where sometimes I feel my relationship with my wife is most of the time.  Recent events in the last couple of years still haunt my thoughts about our relationship making me still guarded.  I may have had an affair, but that was symptomatic of many issues that existed in our marriage before that and we are still working through them.

So you can see where music fits as not the most important thing in my life but as something that is important and helpful in understanding me.  Ity makes the difference between having a good understanding of me and a great one.

Playlist:

Wardruna and Aurora – ‘Helvegen’:

Disturbed – ‘Stricken’:

Five Finger Death Punch – ‘Wash It All Away’:

Three songs that resonate with me right now.  Well, the first is representative of pagan music that I listen to and there are a lot of different groups and songs there.  This is just the latest example.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Meditations – Bringing it All Back to Center” (Plus Blog Notes) – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

In closing this out I have two things to talk about at length. One is bringing everything back to the center. Secondly, I have been meditating on blog changes for the coming year as well. Today is the 342 straight day of this blog with at least one post a day. 23 to go and another goal achieved for the year.

Back to Center:

With all this meditation on my various identities: Primary, Secondary, and Side, I wanted to get back to the central purpose of it all. The simple question is: Who am I? There is no single answer. After all this meditation, I can confidently conclude that as a human being I have many facets and I will thus have several identities. Everything comes together into this one central person that is me.

The one polarity shift in identity has been to view myself as primarily a writer and secondarily as anything else that will pay the bills better and allow for writing. This means taking writing seriously and making it my main occupation, which means writing a lot more and doing things that go along with it like reading and research.

My job search can now be even more open than it was before. My main issue here is to find something I can enjoy, will be better than what I have now financially and professionally, and will still give me time to write. I don’t what this is yet and as a wayfarer of life that actually is kind of exciting to me.

My side identities are about me and improving me. They are also about enjoying life so I think that I will be always looking at them. The biggest shift this last year was spiritual, notably that my Primary identity of a Christian pastor is truly scrapped and the spiritual side of me is a side identity which doesn’t mean it is not important, it just means that it is a part of my life, not the most dominant thing anymore. I actually find myself more at peace because of this. Being other people’s spiritual guru just doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

Blog Notes:

This change in primary identity means some changes to the blog and to my disciplines. Writing the non-fiction book and novel now are more primary to me. Blogging needs to be a good writing exercise and provide my public face. Listing off the projects on this blog:

Journal Posts: I need to get back to doing these every week. I have noticed that on the weeks I do not do them, I lose focus. These three posts a week keep me centered on my goals and provided good reminders of the values I hold dear.

The Pagan Pulpit: I think sometimes I write these for me most of all. It helps me learn Asatru a little better each week and reminds me of each week’s spiritual journey. They are a good weekly milestone if you will.

Of Wolves and Ravens: Having a philosophy post once a week has been good as a more in-depth review of my philosophy of life. It has a practical edge to it that I like and that keeps me thinking.

Odin’s Eye: I like the change I made this week to be more open about this and focus more on my spiritual life as it stands instead. Time to move on from the past and embrace the future.

Crossing Bifrost: I have put this one on hold a lot. The more I got into Norse mythology, the more I knew I was not qualified to write about it. I was using it as a learning platform but I still have much to learn on a lot of subjects before I delve into writing on it again.

The Grey Wayfarer (serial): This little fantasy serial I have closed, mostly because I think it will make a good novel idea once I know Norse mythology a lot better.

Rogue Wizard: The Fire of Fury: This one is coming to an end. Time to move on and this series kind of holds on to the past a little. I am thinking of a few more posts to round out the story and it will come to an end.

The Rabyd Skald Posts: These are my posts that talk about issues I am facing in more detail. The Grey and The Wayfarer versions are more in-depth times when I am struggling with The Grey. I also use these to talk about the blog and writing so they come up a few times a month. They are not really scheduled but they form something I do regularly.

Skald Tales and Poems: My poetry is here and there is an open slot for short stories I have yet to use but I think I will soon. This is the short writing projects page and mostly so far it si poems. Poems are a bit of a mixed bag for me personally. On the one hand, they help me release emotion to the universe, on the other hand, they remind me of Miss Salty and that can trigger some things I don’t want to feel sometimes. Hopefully, as time goes on the memories in writing a poem will be more positive.

The Skald’s Lyre: Me talking about the music in my life. I like to do this because it can provide a good self-examination of what I ma communicating outside of writing. Music fills the gaps for me in that regard.

The Book of Rabyd: Largely finished, this project is a collection of sayings and principles I follow. It is always a work in progress as I leave it open to add other things, but the main work on it is finished.

Freya’s Chambers: New. Like brand new. Mostly this is my viewpoint on sex and sexually related issues. It is a new project as my world view is changed from Christian to Pagan so it has an effect on this. I also tend to bring in the idea that moral busybodies need to be told to go away.

Space Tramp: Also new but I suspect when it ends I will hed down another road with a different role-playing game so I might eventually put this under the overall title of Roleplaying Fan Fiction where it will be one writing project among many designed to let the dice challenge me in my writing.

There is a lot to unpack and I have some other things to add but the main thing is there is no shortage of things to write on. I am going to raise the stakes going into the new year and basically write journal posts like have been doing but on those days and another post will drop as well,

1) I want to continue the Viking / Norse Mythology Theme some more when appropriate

2) and I need to restructure how the week is laid out with that in mind as well.  I just think it is weird that Odin’s Eye drops on Thor’s Day when Woden’s Day Makes more sense.

3) I need to be more consistent with my fiction practice.

My solution is to restructure the week as follows:

Sol’s Day – The Pagan Pulpit

Mani’s Day – Journal: Foundational Virtues, Of Wolves and Ravens

Tyr’s Day – Fiction Post

Woden’s Day: Journal: Business Virtues, Odin’s Eye

Thor’s Day: Fiction Post

Frigg and Freya’s Day: Journal: Self Virtues, Freya’s Chambers

Sif’s Day: The Skald’s Lyre or Skald Tales and Poems.

The Rabyd Skald Posts will drop when needed and I am putting Crossing Bifrost on hold until I have studied the subject of Norse mythology better. This actually only adds three posts by making the journal post days require another post. Look for the changes starting tomorrow.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!