Happy Sif’s Day

Discussion: 

It has been a while since I have discussed music and its relationship to my life.  I guess I would describe music as my meaning between words.  I don’t actually perform music but have an uncanny ability to be listening to something and feeling what the artist is feeling very strongly.  This also has to lead to sometimes shutting a song off and moving on because it is not what I actually feel, because it doesn’t resonate. When it does, then it becomes my meaning between words.

I guess the best way to show how important this is to tell you how you get to know the real me.

1. Firstly don’t expect me to jump up and down if you meet me.  My trust level is pretty low of new people because of many painful experiences so I will speak in two languages to you at first – English and profanity (light).  Over time you might graduate to harder profanity (fuck as a root word) and sarcasm. If this offends you were are done; if not then, this means I like you. It doesn’t mean we are friends, just I like you.  If I add my fourth language – real shit, then you have become a 1st level friend.  That’s it, don’t expect a huge fanfare about it.
2. If you want more than that, it is on you.  Sorry, introverts have friends because someone came along and adopted them as friends.  I am INFJ so understand my idealism about friendship is higher than the value I place on my relationship with my family. You want to know me better, it’s on you.  I have to see you value friendship with me enough to make some sort of effort to reach out.  Otherwise, as an introvert, I am happy to move along with my own company.  I get along great with myself.  This is the point where understanding me and friendship diverge.  They become two different things.  Friendship with me after this takes time and demonstration in action, not words.  Getting to know me is actually easier and the more you do, the more it speeds up the friendship process.
3. To understand me completely as in my thoughts and feelings, don’t start with conversations with me, I am guarded as fuck in conversations and evasive as to my feelings and thoughts in that context.  It takes a long time for me to open up to someone in conversation. First impressions of me are often off by quite a bit because I would just as soon move on from your presence as talk to you. If you meet me don’t think you know me. Observation and conversation will get you about 15-20 percent of the real me and only the parts I allow people to see.
4. Read what I write. INFJs pick an artistic outlet to express real thoughts and feelings and mine is writing.  This blog is right now my main expression of thoughts and feelings and a person who reads this blog will get another 40-60% of me depending on whether or not you also know me where I live.  I am pretty transparent here on The Grey Wayfarer so minimum if you live somewhere else in the world you would know about 40% of the real me by reading it.  If you know me personally and read this blog you are going to get about 60-65% of me.  The real me.
5. Ask what music I am listening to.  This will give you an additional 10-15% because no matter what you learn from observing me and reading my writing, this fills a lot of the gaps.  There are thoughts and feelings I cannot put into words but if you listen to the music I am listening to, you will get a little more of me. that will put you at 70-80% if you know me, read what I write and listen to the music I am listening to as well. At that point, you are on the fast track to becoming a member of my very small inner circle.
6. Getting to know the rest of me involves getting in that inner circle and that is where the friendship, and getting to know me, come back together.  Inner circle people get to actually will hear more of the real me in conversations. That’s how you know you have arrived when how I talk to you starts to sounds more like this blog. At some point, you will be at about 90%.
7. The other ten percent requires a level of intimacy that few achieve. You have either known me for a very long time, are or were my lover at some level, or you are me. My personality is such that even with people I have considered friends all my life and even my wife I keep a few cards close to the vest. Very few get to see them. I would say only one person has gotten close to 100% and she is no longer part of my life except as a ghost.

People ask what about my wife at this point?  My wife is a good woman and loves me very much.  I love her but the struggle in our relationship is that she knows me pretty much by watching me, being my friend for a long period of time and being my lover. She is not a reader and our discussions of music involve musical taste not what we are listening to and why. This means two of the biggest avenues she could get to know me with better she does not utilize.  My personality is such that because of this I get guarded even with her because of this.  Note I am saying is mostly on me there, not her.

You would think after 30 years of marriage, I would be having open conversations with her about everything. Especially since we actually have on top of the length of the relationship, being lovers.  But my INFJ guard is up with everyone including her and that is just how I am.  Getting to know me requires effort, reading my writing and listening to my music.  Otherwise, you could probably get to 80% otherwise at most, which is where sometimes I feel my relationship with my wife is most of the time.  Recent events in the last couple of years still haunt my thoughts about our relationship making me still guarded.  I may have had an affair, but that was symptomatic of many issues that existed in our marriage before that and we are still working through them.

So you can see where music fits as not the most important thing in my life but as something that is important and helpful in understanding me.  Ity makes the difference between having a good understanding of me and a great one.

Playlist:

Wardruna and Aurora – ‘Helvegen’:

Disturbed – ‘Stricken’:

Five Finger Death Punch – ‘Wash It All Away’:

Three songs that resonate with me right now.  Well, the first is representative of pagan music that I listen to and there are a lot of different groups and songs there.  This is just the latest example.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!