Sorry, once again no Crossing Bifrost this week. I am still reading a lot on Norse Mythology right now and next week I will take on the goddess Frigg. For this week, it is time I took two poems I have written this month and make them blogging canon. This one will drop now and the second one later this afternoon.
“The Storm” by Edward W. Raby, Sr.:
Wind, grey skies and pouring rain.
The Storm rages in my soul.
Fed by my inner pain.
Will I ever be whole?
Lightning flashes
Thunder rolls
I tighten my grip on the staff of my reality
Knowing only the treading of my feet
Boots grinding through grey mud
Soaked in sorrow, but my heart closed
Numb to the cold of The Grey
I struggle onward, not daring to feel
Lest my tears join the flood
And drown me in the rising tide.
I walk with the hope of seeing sunlight
I walk with the hope of feeling love
But right now, I feel nothing
So I will survive.
Soon, the wolf within will rise and howl
The ravens will caw again
For I know when the light breaks through.
Then I will howl, caw and laugh,
Once again I have endured The Storm
And I have become stronger
Written by Edward W, Raby, Sr. on March 9th and 10th, 2019. Edited on March 22, 2019
Author’s Commentary:
I guess this poem about depression; and how I take it on, is one of those that is very obvious. The imagery in part is borrowed from this whole Grey Wayfarer concept. I draw a lot of inspiration these days from the characters and stories of Norse Mythology. I like these gods – they have dirt under their fingernails and pain of soul.
People do not understand depression that well. Mine is ‘mild’, if you can call depression mild. It isn’t about happy or sad with me. It is about emotional shutdown. I go into cold-blooded bastard mode so I don’t have to feel sorrow or pain. The sarcastic asshole is very much a part of both sides of my life, but in The Grey I don’t laugh at my own sarcasm like I do out of it. “No dark sarcasm in the classroom.” Yeah, it gets dark and there is no feeling to it. Outside the grey it more about being playfully affectionate with the people I care about. Inside it, I am just being a dark fucker trying to survive.
The love-hate relationship with depression is something I tried to deal with the last stanza. Like or not, when come out of it, I have some of the most creative and wonderful inspired moments. I feel better, love better and think better in those moments. Some of my best writing has been at these times.
Thanks for reading,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
March 20-21st is the Festival of Ostara, the Spring goddess. She is Germanic but not much else is known about her. In Viking Culture Spring is also associated with Freya and Thor, both divine beings of fertility, and that is exactly what most of this festival is about. It is about renewal, fertility and rejoicing about the end of winter and the beginning of the Summer half of the year.
If the name Ostara seems slightly familiar, it is because its other spelling is Eostre, which after the Christians get a hold of it becomes – Easter. Even some of the Easter traditions are based on the pagan ones. Most notably egg coloring and hiding and then letting children go seek them. Flowers, rabbits an other spring symbols are here as well. The rabbit is used because it is the animal that is often most associated with spring as it is often the first animal you see, and for its fertility. Hibernating animals also get a look as well, as they come out of their sleep.
The festival has a lot of traditions involving children during the day and adults at night. The various sources I read seem to skirt around the night time rituals of the adults, which kind of indicates fertility rites are probably present. That’s sex and a lot of it . Not surprising, as at this time in a lot of pagan mythologies, the sun or storm god has sex with an earth or nature goddess and she conceives to give birth at the end of harvest. Love making takes place a lot during this festival.
I mention St’ Patrick’s day because there is also a lot of pagan elements in it. In fact I would say historically this is when the Christian powers that be figured out that by adopting pagans symbols and traditions they could get more conversions. Or they could justify wiping out the pagan elements, they wanted out and keeping stuff that supported their viewpoint. The Celtic Cross is very much a part of this combining sun worship with the cross.
Irish Pagans view of this varies, Some mourn the day because it marks the persecution of Irish pagans where they were driven out, killed or went underground. Others see it as a time to say ‘I will celebrate the day pagan style’. The big thing is the mythology that St. Patrick drove out all the snakes from Ireland. It is kind of like the tall tale that Paul Bunyan logged off North and South Dakota and that why there are no trees. There were no snakes in Ireland in the first place and there were no trees in ND and SD either. The only holidays in my opinion that is more ironically a combination of pagan and Christian ideas is probably Easter and Christmas.
Time to Look Through the Eye:
Faith:
I have faith that nature will do her thing. I mean do I look at the Spring as a goddess – no. I believe in science, so there are natural forces at work. That said, I don’t think a holiday celebrating the end of winter and the beginning of summer is a bad one. It has a positive mental aspect to it. I suffer from mild depression that turns pretty dark at times in the winter, Spring begins to overcome that. I start my walks and getting outside again and that is something that builds my heart and mind, as well as my body.
Religion:
This time of year also marks the contention between Christianity and Paganism in Europe which spread to the United States. Like it or not this contention has led to a lot of heartache, persecution and war. I would also say the problems have largely come from Christians, Paganism has no ‘correct’ way of being a pagan. No, dogma or religious order to force on others. For that you need to turn to the Abrahamic religions. They are the ones with missionaries and zealots who have to ‘convert’ people to their faith by any means necessary. St. Patrick’s Day is probably a sore spot for Irish people for this reason.
Theology:
A theology of renewal and fertility is something that as a Deist and Pagan, I can look at with a smile. In Christianity, sex is given a feeling of being dirty or a necessary evil. Not so in pagan ‘theology’. Sex is something good, loving and a necessary good for the purpose of enjoyment and fertility. It is a stark contrast. I would say when you see a religion or theology trying to control or direct your thoughts about sex or your money, you have cult behavior. Yes, I would say Christianity is loaded with this cult behavior, as well as almost every religion I know. Paganism seek to control neither, and so what many Christians consider ‘cultish’ is actually the furthest from it.
Spirituality:
I must say that I gain a lot of spirituality from some of the concepts behind the idea of renewal. I can’t wait to get out walking again this spring. There is a renewal of my spirit that comes with it. I would also say that sexuality and sex itself has a spiritual good side that I resonate with the pagans far more than the Christians. Making love to my wife from my side of things is one of the most spiritually good and wonderful things I know. I don’t look at it as dirty or sinful at all. Now even more so, it is an expression of pure joy and love to me. Ostara is something that reminds me of that as well.
Conclusion:
I like to be reminded of things that are important. Spring is important for not only its time of planting seeds and cleaning, but for its spiritual side of renewal of the soul and life. It is important to remind ourselves of the joys of sex and sexuality and their results -children. There is something here that reminds one of taking a good cleansing breath, feeling your mind and heart open up and feeling right with the world. Of taking your lover’s hand and walking to a place of lovemaking and spending time not only having sex, but also renewing your relationship and starting anew with new dreams for the year ahead. I like it, it feels good.
Continuing to Walk the Path,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Opening Song: “Stricken” – Disturbed
Poem: “The Scar” by Edward W. Raby, Sr. (Rough Draft)
Time heals all wounds
“Bullshit” I say
I have been down this road before
I have scars that still bleed inside
Internal bleeding of the soul
Seepage of pain within
Toxic soul-blood poisoning
Hidden behind my scars
The scar you left on me
Is like all the others
A covered scab
Hiding a slow bleeding wound
Another scar
A badge of survival
The poison blood inside fuel
The pain inside motivation
I know this is the second poem I have written for the Pulpit in rough draft form without polishing them later in a Skald’s Tales and Poems but that is coming this week probably.
Meditation:
Me too Penn, Me too.
Song of Preparation: “Anthem’ – Rush:
Text:
“People Do Not Have The Right to Take Away The Rights of Others” – The Book of Rabyd 1:6
Sermon:
The real key here to understanding rights that inalienable is that it means that everyone has them. Truly understand rights then requires that while we all may have the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and property; it does not mean that we can exercises those rights at the expense of someone else’s rights. You must respect the rights of others to truly understand what rights entail. If you don’t, you have an improper understanding of rights.
It is morally wrong to force another to give up their rights so that you can have yours. It morally bankrupt; in my opinion, to use any kind of force and power to exalt your rights over another. This is something that has to be remembered because as much as we say – “I have my rights”, we also need to say – “they have their rights” in the same breath. It is this respect of rights as a concept that is just as important as respect of my own rights. When we do this we are learning to see others as human beings. It is this issue that if implemented would solve a ton of problems. As much as I feel I have the right to stand on my rights, I must also allow others to stand on theirs.
This why I find the use of government today so repugnant. Much of it is one side or the others trying to take power to use on others. The Republicans try to seize power so they can use it against the Democrats and visa versa. No one is trying to take government so they can genuinely defend the rights of all. Libertarianism for me is simply a wonderful philosophy that seeks to actually see the rights of all protected. The goal of our politics then would be to stop the government from violating the rights of all individuals.
I have been using the issue of abortion to illustrate the problem when rights collide. The right to life movement say the right of the child to live is not being respected, the pro-choice folks say the right of the woman to privacy which is connected to her rights to liberty and the pursuit of happiness is being violated if she does not have the choice of an abortion. The problem is we simply cannot play a game of two against one to decided who is right. A single violated right by force is wrong. The argument really centers on whether or not the child/fetus is genuinely a human being and thus has rights. Pro-life folks say yes / pro-choice folks say no. This is not going to be resolved because the arguments on both sides have problems. I am not going to get into that because the arguments for both sides are legion as well. My point is if a single right is being violated on an individual then the action is wrong and should not be allowed.
The problem with abortion is asking a question of personhood and at that point you are getting far more into metaphysics and theology than philosophy. My personal position is to say I am pro-choice on one hand because I do not feel it is my right to force my viewpoint of when life begins on another, and it is a debatable point. But I am also pro-life on the other hand, because I would hope that we would recognize our ignorance on when life truly and genuinely begins, and thus choose to err on the side of life because of that ignorance.
My point in all this is the debate is not what our rights are for those that follow the Book of Rabyd. Those are clearly understood. The debate for me and for my family is to understand and know when rights are being brought into conflict either intentionally or unintentionally and coming up with solutions that both allow one to exercise their rights but not interfere with the rights of others. This is the challenge of those who follow the Book of Rabyd.
Closing Song: ‘Hurt’ – Johnny Cash:
I include this song at the end because I talked about it with some friends this week. I suppose it is a simple reminded that all things, including our lives, end. What legacy we leave is important. Johnny Cash speaks for a lot of people in this song when they near the end. The regrets you have probably have more to do with hurts received and hurts given.
Parting Thought:
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I know people are probably expecting a Crossing Bifrost post today but I have a couple pressing matters that I need to attend to and I am currently reading some books on Norse mythology that I want to get a little further in before I write my next post on it.
I also have been fighting The Grey pretty much all week. Part of the reason I am throwing myself into realigning my virtues with my goals and principles is that it really helps with this. I feel there is a key or keys in this process to dealing with The Grey; to a point where I can not only function with it, but actually feel some things without shutting down.
I have been asking a lot of motivation questions because what The Grey threatens and destroys the most often is my motivation. The odd thing is that my motivation to write is the one that is often the least affected. The trigger this week is the time of year and it will be so until probably the end of summer. Last year at this time, my ministry as a pastor and my marriage were both unraveling and there are a lot of painful memories associated with that right now. I can confidently assert that the old notion of time healing all wounds is bullshit. It can scar them over, but they still remain under the surface.
Writing has always helped with these times in that it gets me through them. It is often the process of taking the next step in writing the blog article or project that is me taking the next step. I write for me and I write to overcome my depression.
If a friend were to ask me what issues rise to the top, i would first say that it is not easy to talk about but then I would offer the following four things.
I still deal with my change of faith. Or rather the discarding of Christianity and ministry for good. It is more than just a career change, it is a lifestyle and life course change, and it has been quite challenging emotionally and mentally.
I deal with betrayal and loss. Both of specific friendships and of the fact there is a group of people I lead as a shepherd for almost ten years than I still don’t feel comfortable in dealing with. Based on the letter I was sent, I feel judged and discarded still.
I deal with memories of loving someone who I don’t know if they loved me at all in return. It’s debatable if they were as they said “Just acting’, or if that statement was made to make the breakup easier for me and them. Epic fail on the last one, it hurt like nothing I have felt in a long time. I have a poem I am working on about this I think I NEED to write; but it is painful to write, so I don’t want to write it at the same time. I mean they seem to have moved on like nothing happened. The memories for me are making that quite difficult, despite my best efforts to not think about all this by contrast.
Then of course this whole thing brings up emotions regarding my treatment of my wife during this time which I now feel very guilty and ashamed about.
It’s why back in August of last year I wrote something that basically said I wished someone would rip my heart out and kill it. These feelings are intense and difficult and I wish they would go away. It makes my depression kick in as a defense mechanism so I don’t feel things. Feeling nothing being more preferred than these emotional memories.
I also deal with the fact that on March 18th I will be 50 years old. Half a century and I am fairly certain its these birthdays with zeros in the second digit that seem to challenge me the most. Another decade down, how many do I have left? Where am I going now? What am I going to do? Who am I? How do I get where I want to be? When are these memories going to fade to the point where I don’t have to deal with them as much?
I wish I had more answers, but writing seems to help me keep going. I write for me and I write to overcome.
Walking the Grey,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I still very much embrace Deism as the most rational way to approach the subject of the divine. I think the notion that there is no god is just as irrational as the theist or religion who thinks he/she has god locked down. The great challenge for me as a deist is to deal with the subject of the divine using only reason and natural revelation as a guide. Heavy emphasis on the reason part because natural revelation is still subject to human interpretation.
Epicurus’ argument against God is pretty well-known and I still have some of the same problems with it as I had as a Christian. In fact much of my arguments against it have not changed because even back then the defense against philosophy is not theology, it is more philosophy. Most notably Epicurus assumes his definition of all-powerful, etc. are locked down and cannot be challenged. He seeks basically to win the argument about god through definition which is an argument from authority based on the authority of the definition. What his argument does do is present the rational contentions about the divine that need to be addressed very concisely and in a logically sound manner.
This is actually one time where the Eye lines up pretty good with each part of Epicurus’ argument. So….
Time to Look Through the Eye:
Faith:
If he is able but not willing? He is malevolent
I find it interesting that Epicurus engages in faith at this point. He has faith that there is such a thing as malevolence or beneficence and assumes that god must be one or the other. Such definition really lose their meaning if you dismiss notions of good and evil and realize there might be a rational reason why a supreme being might create and then move on. As George Carlin points out – God may simply not give a shit. He may be a creator, but it does not imply that he is malevolent simply because he refuses to do something about ‘evil’. He may simply also look at humanity and say – “you did this shit to yourselves and you have the capability to get yourself out, take responsibility for the ‘evil’ and suffering you have caused and fix it yourselves.”
I actually think this is the strongest argument for polytheism. That the reason we see so many problems in the world, is it was created by a committee. Just saying.
My faith is that if there is a god or gods or whatever, that they are creators but not necessarily cosmic babysitters. Like good parents he/she or they want us to grow up and tackle our own problems and we can’t learn how to do that effectively without struggle.
Religion:
If God is neither able or willing, then why call him God?
Actually because the definition of ‘god’ is much broader than “Omni” classifications. We also use the term ‘god’ to describe beings of great power and use a small ‘g’. It is religion that paint god as all-powerful in the sense that he can do anything, but there may be laws to the universe that prevent the divine from acting and they may as pointed out above, not give a shit. It doesn’t stop them from being more powerful than anything else and thus deserving the title of ‘god’.
Theology:
If God is wiling to prevent, but not able. Then he is not omnipotent.
I like to point out at this point that Epicurus does not eliminate god with this statement as some atheists claim. It just shows that perhaps human conception of the ideas of omnipotent, omniscient, etc. might not be properly defined. So such a god could exist with all the power that actually exists, knowing everything in the way it is knowable and be present in all places that actually exist. Yes, these ideas create a powerful being worthy of being called god, but there are limits here. Such limits make the normal understanding of omnipotence in need of adjustment, but it doesn’t make such a god not possible or lacking in existence. All this statement really does is point out that our definitions might be in need of change.
Spirituality:
If he is both able and willing? Where does evil come from?
Moral evil is easy to justify if you use freewill as a defense and a god who does not interfere because he wants humanity as a whole to learn and grow. It may not be logically possible to have freewill without suffering. Natural evil is a little harder to justify. Other than if god is still bound to the laws of the universe, then the laws of physics make natural ‘evil’ simple existent and God may very much be a powerful being who fights these forces but cannot do everything. Rationally, the god that actually exists might have limits – both because the laws of the universe place those limits or those limits might be self-imposed because it is not always wise to interfere.
Conclusion:
I am not saying Epicurus is wrong. He may very well be right and God is a figment of human imagination. I respect the atheist position but I find it personally a little extreme because of human ignorance of the universe. His argument actually forms a lot of rational response for deism as it must address these issues to have a rational reason for belief in the divine’s existence. His argument guides the search for the rational god because the questions are valid. That said, I do, as a theologian, see the irony of accepting certain theological definitions in order to make your argument against the existence of god, when those definitions themselves can be challenged.
For me the search for the rational God is part of the journey that I walk. But as a pagan, it is not my only criteria.
Continuing to Walk the Path,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Opening Song:“Mr. Roboto” – Styx
I was joking this week with my daughter about using this song as a song about my grandson Otto. All I would have to do is change the words a little to make this song about him. That said, this actually is a pretty cool song made for a rock opera that dealt with dystopian future where rock and roll as well as other forms of free expression are outlawed. Styx always was very good and their vocalist has a ton of range in this one.
Poem: “The Storm” by Edward W. Raby, Sr.:
Wind, grey skies and pouring rain.
The Storm rages in my soul.
Fed by my inner pain.
Will I ever be whole?
Lightning flashes
Thunder rolls
I tighten my grip on the staff of my reality
Knowing only the treading of my feet
Boots grinding through grey mud
Soaked in sorrow, but my heart closed
Numb to the cold of The Grey
I struggle onward, not daring to feel
Lest my tears join the flood
And drown me in the rising tide.
I walk with the hope of seeing sunlight
I walk with the hope of feeling love
But right now, I feel nothing
So I will survive.
Soon, the wolf within will rise
The ravens will caw again
when the light breaks through.
Then I will laugh,
Once again I have become the storm
And I have become stronger
Note: This is still in rough draft form, but it is good enough I think to at least post it. It needs refining but I like how it captures my struggles with depression at times. I will probably present this poem in it own post when it is more refined.
Meditation:
Song of Preparation: “It’s My Life” – Bon Jovi
Text:
Everyone has the Right to Property – The Book of Rabyd 1:5
Sermon:
This is a new verse for the Book of Rabyd. Most people don’t realize that the original Declaration of Independence had originally ‘life. liberty and property’. Later editing changed it to the pursuit of happiness. But the idea of the inherent right to property to anyone who owns it is something that has not always been recognized in history. That changed with the Founding fathers as the notion of people having a right to translate their right to pursue their happiness. As Ayn Rand wisely pointed out this means the right to property.
I would argue that this right is what defends the others as well. Your Life. liberty and Pursuit of Happiness are yours and now one should be allowed to take them away from you. This means you also have the right to defend what is yours. But ownership of property being a right extends to all things that are yours. The most important of which is ownership of self. Self-ownership means to take responsibility for yourself and your own destiny instead of leaving in the hands of others. You need to exercise your right to own private property to do this.
I often wonder if those who try to attack this right realize that what they are doing allows people to basically take away all the others. If my life is not mine, if my liberty is only granted and can be taken away, if my pursuit of happiness requires that someone else give it to me, then they are not rights but privileges. The right to property is what brings in this concept of ownership of not only my stuff but my rights.
To think otherwise is to have the mentality of the thief and the societal leach. I make no apologies for saying this. I people have the notion that other people don’t have a right to property, then they are perfectly OK with the notion that such property can be taken away. They also have no problem when people have their property taken from hem through taxation so they can be supported. In short they envision people can think and work but the results in part belong to them even though they have done nothing to earn them. This justifies their stealing it or letting others do it for them.
So we turn again to abortion. The seeming conflict is that the woman has her right to liberty and pursuit what will make her happy. The notion being that the fetus is her body and she owns it so she can dispose of it as she sees fit. The opposite side of the coin is that the child has he right to live and pursuit its happiness by living. The real issue is it possible for one person to really own another and I would say that there is some inherent ownership of ones’ self in such a right to property.
For me the question of abortion has long been a sticky one. As a Christian I had pretty clear guidelines, but it was still troubling at times. Mostly because reality is that natural abortion happens all the time and with far more frequency than people think. Most are never known to even exist.
Post-Christian, the issues now falls to whether the fetus is a person. If not, the nit has no right to ownership of self and all the other rights that go with that. If yes, then he/she does and they have those rights. I am not sure I can answer the question definitively at this point but I still maintain that liberty and life are important in equal measure. I hope the choice is life, because I consider abortion a waste of human potential, if nothing else.
The real question for me is should the state be allowed to interfere? Once again we are still left to determining when a person becomes a person and the answer seems clear. Given all our rights and the notion of self-ownership, if the fetus can be proven to be a person then the answer is yes, but if not we still find ourselves in a controversy. It seems with all the advances in science, we should be able to determine this. Then the right to property with its concept of self-ownership kicks in. This still doesn’t give us a clear answer but we have two more principles left so we shall see.
Closing Song: Amen – Halestorm:
Parting Thought:
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I don’t know, when it comes to my four theological objections to Christianity, I feel like the god Heimdall guarding the Bifrost Bridge. Most of the time I seem to be just standing there waiting for something to happen and nothing does. I am not really looking for a fight but I think I have laid it out there what I feel are the four major problems with the Christian theology are and why they basically make it so the whole thing is just another man-made attempt to understand god that is flawed and failed. The result has been crickets.
Simple Restatement of my Four Theological Objections to Christianity:
The Bible’s Inspiration by God – it is not proven, nor can it ever be. It seems highly unlikely that the Bible is the product of a supreme being but rather the product of men. It’s divine inspiration is asserted but never proven.
Sin is an Imaginary Man-Made Problem – Like the Bible being inspired, Mankind being sinners and certain behaviors being sinful is asserted but never proven.
The Cross and the Empty Tomb – an imaginary solution to an imaginary problem. I would also say that such a solution with its suffering and death seems sadistic and unloving. Not the product of a supreme being.
The Justice of the Biblical God is Very Suspect – The scale of justice for the god of the Bible is very unbalanced when you rationally consider some of his actions in the Bible and the doctrines concerning hell and final punishment.
When I first laid these out last summer I did get some feed back, but it was clearly half-hearted and I answered the questions and objections they had to the point apparently that they had no response. This lack of response is not surprising, when I was a Christian I would read Christian apologists looking for answers to these very questions and they really had nothing. The problem with the apologist is no matter how they try, they assume that the Bible is inspired, sin is real, redemption is real and god is just. They don’t really see the need to address these issues because most of them are not really listening to those that object to Christianity. They listen only to pick the battles they can easily win when they see objections to their faith, they tend to ignore the ones that are more difficult.
Time to Look Through the Eye:
Faith:
I refuse to return to having faith in Christianity, if those that practice it cannot provide sufficient evidence that the Bible is inspired, that sin is objectively real and that the solution the god of the Bible has for it is both rational and just. As much as I know Norse mythology is mythology, I actually find it easier now to believe that its’ view of the universe and the gods and goddesses solution to life and living is more in line with reality than Christianity until that happens. I have faith in myself, my family and the creator’s design. Anything beyond that requires proof.
Religion:
It speaks to Christianity’s failure as a religion when it sees someone walk away from the faith and it comes up with doctrines and apologetics that basically shrug its shoulders and say ‘that is just the way it is’. Calvinism is notorious for this fatalistic bullshit, but the fact that other branches of the Christian faith have this – ‘well, there is nothing I can do.” on the face of something that should have a response. Well, then you have just shown to me that perhaps your religion, that you say should lead you to compassion for the lost, is also complete bullshit.
Theology:
Theologically speaking the subjects of special revelation, salvation, god’s nature and final punishment seem to be central to the Christian faith. If no good answer can come when it is proven these are inconsistent and quite frankly paint a picture of a god as 1) a sadistic torturer of his own son when He could have simply forgiven us, and 2) an unjust god who takes our whole lives and destroys them, torturing us forever, simply because he is like a political snowflake who gets offended because we did something he doesn’t like. Perhaps he should develop some emotional maturity and realize he created man and he knew what he was capable of, so why get upset about it? Maybe should forgive them the same way you expect them to forgive each other – without condition. Or perhaps we should just conclude that the god of the bible is flawed and inconsistent because he is the product of the flawed and inconsistent thoughts and feelings of the men who wrote the Bible.
Spirituality:
The real kicker for me right now, is that I fell more alive spiritually speaking than I ever did when I was a Christian. This break away has freed me from the shackles of religion and guilt and I don’t think I can recommend something more highly if you want joy and peace. No more of the constant “You are not good enough.” No more of the psychological abuse of telling people they are garbage and God hates them until they turn to him. No more of using religion to manipulate the behavior of people, excluding myself from certain people, and justify interfering in people’s lives. Shit, I feel like I actually have found spiritually what I was looking for all along. The Freedom that comes from being liberated from religious shackles and nonsense.
Conclusion:
My problems these days are far more practical. Spiritually, I am free. Believe that or not. My issues of struggle are family, relationships, career, life and enjoying the world. The constant struggle of wrestling with this imaginary thing called sin, which was nothing more than me being taught to loathe and hate parts of myself, is gone. I don’t struggle trying to destroy part of myself anymore. I embrace it and seek to use that part of myself to make me stronger. My needs and wants are not sinful, they just are. They are part of who I am and I accept that. I embrace them not as enemies but as allies.
In the meantime, my objections remain. And I wait.
Continuing to Walk the Path,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I have been meditating on this subject of alignment. To be clear I am talking about the idea that if things are lined up so they are in their correct positions for the purpose of having things be smoother. If your forcing things in your life, it might be because they are not aligned with who you are or your purposes.
In my case in particular, I feel that the goals I have and my bucket list in particular, don’t completely line up with the Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and their principles. Even the principles might need some work in this regard. My main focus here is to first get the principles to line up with the virtue better. Then I want my nine goals to each reflect one virtue strongly and then a bucket list item should line up with the virtue as well. The idea being that everything runs smoothly from one thing to the other, instead of being disjointed and out of sync. The virtue leads to the principle, the principle supports the goal and the goal leads to a lifetime achievement known more commonly as a bucket list item.
Of course the challenge of this is reflected in the below meme.
I consider this a real spiritual thing – does it resonate, line up and feel right. I feel the time has come in my life to make sure all things line up and harmonize better with each other. This next month of working through this process will be designed to help me work closer to that place of balance, being centered and alignment.
Self-Reliance:
“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”
Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.
This week I will use the three business virtues to illustrate my point.
I like the virtue as it is written so there is no problem there. The principle seems incomplete because it doesn’t really reflect the later part of the virtue about family, clan, tribe and nation. The principle seems very focused on the individual side for me but needs revision to make it reflect the other aspects of the virtue.
The goal that would be attached to this,at least as I see it initially is – find the new, better paying job as it secures my self-reliance a little better. The Bucket List Item – This is where I have a problem of not wanting to force anything here. To align things properly with that, I might have to revise the bucket list.
Industriousness:
“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”
Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.
The principle here has no idea of efficiency. It needs to be worked in somehow. Goal might be Finish my internship and then with that done a new goal could be added. The Bucket list item could be the cruise with Budapest as the final destination. A final reward for working hard for both me and my wife.
Hospitality:
“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”
Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.
I actually think the virtue and principle are fine here. The budget goal is the tool for prosperity as a goal which leads to being more hospitable. The Bucket list item? Good question. Learning a language? Hard to say. Probably another cause for revision of the bucket list.
Higher Virtue – Justice:
No revision here. I think the concept of alignment fits the idea of justice very well because when things are natural and unforced, relationships work better and the right decision seems much more self apparent.
Daily Routine:
Communication / Cuddle Time
Blogging
Reading / Study – Half-hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
Clear In Box/ To Do List
Financial Transaction Input
Carb Count – currently two.
This is probably the routine that gets done the most just under my morning routine. A few things here and there. During my time of off script, I would say the financial transaction, carb count and in box stuff dropped off the most. Just proves they are activities that still need work and more discipline.
Goals:
Be transparent with my wife to improve communication
Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship.
Find a new, better paying job by the end of March 2019 or before.
In 2019 have a clear budget and financial plan working by the end of the year.
Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
Keep gym membership going somewhere and lift weights minimum of four times per week and walk minimum four times per week through end of 2019
Follow Paleo Diet completely and use intermittent fasting until the end of 2019
Cross one thing off bucket list every six months (Deadlines July 1st, and December 31st of 2019)
Be in the best shape I can be by March 18th, 2019 (50th birthday), take pictures.
As you may have guessed. going to revise this and line them up with virtues and principles. I also want to make them SMARTer. More on that on Freya’s Day.
Goals achieved since Summer 2018: 1
Budgeting:
Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
Debt Snowball
Fully funded Emergency fund
Invest 15% of income into retirement
Pay off Home Early
Build Wealth and Give
Tax time presents us with the opportunity to get number one done. Then it will be time to tackle the debt. The new job might be something that can charge this process so I keep searching.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I always approach the subject of fidelity with a little trepidation. One the one hand, I have not been the most loyal of husbands in the very recent past. Having an affair kind of undercuts your credibility when it comes to lecturing anyone on the subject of fidelity. On the flip side, while I don’t recommend doing it this way, the lessons about fidelity I have learned from others and myself during that time were quite profound. So no lecture from me. I don’t have the moral authority here to tell you how to be loyal and show fidelity, but I do have a testimony here of some of the things I observed and learned that might help someone. That is if you are willing to listen before the shit hits the fan for you.
Before I begin though I want to share something my wife sent me on Sunday. When I saw this I told her thank you and that I loved her. What she couldn’t see, because it was sent via Messenger was the tears rolling down my face. I have no idea how she loves me so much. I just do not get it. She is the best example of fidelity I know.
I suppose that is the first observation I can make. That just because you are in the midst of being disloyal to someone, it doesn’t mean that they will automatically switch to being disloyal to you. That is the high road if you ask me. It is a rare person who can maintain fidelity to you while you are walking away from them. When you discover this, it can be a soul wrenching moment. I don’t recommend testing people’s loyalty to you this way, but it is very revealing who really loves you and continues to love you even when you are not being the most loyal person yourself.
I also can share the tale of two friends. I had two friends I would have considered very close at the time. Now, I want people to understand that as disloyal as I was to my wife at the time, I had this thing about loyalty to my friends and family that was still very strong. It was my marriage that was a problem to me at the time as well as my faith, but I would have marched through hell for my friends and family.
Not all the other relationships were problematic to me. I was actually depending on them to kind of get me through the crisis I was having at the time. One friend proved that his lifelong fidelity was true. He stuck by me, confronted me and loved me no matter what. He even kept a few secrets, although I knew he wanted to say something. I will give the man this, loyalty, that is fidelity runs through his veins like blood. He still remains my truest friend and for that I will be forever grateful.
The other who was a friend for almost a decade. He, on the other hand, deliberately set me up to look like I was trying to hide the affair to my congregation, and then came out and told the story himself to pass himself off as the ‘noble hero’. You find out who your real friends are in crisis moments and I never saw that one coming. I trusted him and that ended that day. I discovered very quickly that this person’s definition of friendship includes in his loyalty clause – “only if you agree with me and are useful to me.” He threw our relationship away as easily as tossing a piece of paper into the trash.
This was because I had become a liability to him and I was no longer useful to him. He not only abandoned me, but he had to kick me when I was down in his self-righteous sanctimonious arrogance. I will never trust him again. Even my wife, who had the greatest reason to do so, didn’t try to destroy me when I was walking away and hurting. This man did. He has nothing but my contempt now and anyone who trusts his friendship or loyalty is a fool.
My tale of two friends demonstrates fidelity in one and its lack in the other. In the end the first friend helped me see the light and the other just has contributed to my darkness. When you see a friend struggling, even with their own loyalty to someone, you don’t demonstrate fidelity and help them by being a disloyal prick yourself.
I suppose I have to say one other thing. Fidelity isn’t as black and white as people like to make it out to be. Sometimes you don’t know who to be loyal to at all. Sometimes you have to be loyal to a couple of people who are having problems with each other. There is a world of mines in this minefield you have to tiptoe around. Relationships can be toxic or one-sided. That is because I have also learned that fidelity is the strongest thing in the world when it is right. It is also the most fragile and explosive thing when it goes wrong. Handle with care.
To the Wolves and Ravens:
Needs (Geri):
I have come to understand how much I need loyalty in my life. Not just people to be loyal to me but how being loyal makes me a better person. Oddly enough, I have been loyal to some of the people, even the above unfaithful friend, since all this happened. There is a professionalism to the ministry I maintain out of loyalty and respect for helping others and for people’s privacy. So I have a lot of confidences that were entrusted to me, that I still keep. I know a lot of things that could be damaging to others, but I keep them to myself out of fidelity. I refuse to be the same person my other friend was, that just because these relationships may have philosophical differences with me, or no longer have any use, I will not be a disloyal prick and reveal those secrets to damage people.
Wants (Freki):
If I want anything right now, it is to strengthen my own loyalty to those who have proven loyal to me. I don’t know any other way to demonstrate my appreciation and respect for these people than to do this. I want a small group of friends that fidelity is strong both ways. I think I have a few. But I need a few more. I also want to get over the fear of making new friends, as new relationships cause me a little of the ‘who can a trust’ syndrome based on past experience. I want to get over that while remembering not everyone who says they are your friend is one, they only prove that with actions not words.
Reason (Huginn):
When I think about this rationally, Loyalty is difficult to intellectualize. It is much more something soul felt than rationalized. At the same time, I can see rationally that without it I won’t go forward. I just wont.
Wisdom (Muninn):
If experience teaches wisdom, then this last year is has a taught me the wisdom of fidelity. I can’t even put to words all the things I have learned. I guess I can say this mostly though. If you’re having a problem in your relationship with your significant other, the place you need to talk about it is with the other person. I also understand there are problems of pain and depression that keep you from doing this at times, so you have my empathy if you can’t. I get it. But if you can find a way, do it. It is far better to mend the fence than have to build a new one. Fidelity demands that.
Conclusion:
I know I have little in the way of strength here at times. I am gaining new understandings of this virtue known as fidelity all the time. I really don’t see it as my weakest area and even last year going though my marriage issues, I still maintained fidelity with friends, family and others despite the fact it was strained in a couple of areas. One of those areas was my marriage and it is very much on the mend. The other was my faith and like my friend who betrayed me, I think I will say that this separation in relationship will be permanent. The real struggle now is to keep searching and walking to find the truth when it comes to faith and spirituality. But that is what this while blog is about.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Wayfarer’s Spiritual Side. This post and those titled like it to follow in the future are largely just me looking through the Eye, so to speak at my own spirituality. To gaze into my own spiritual journey and come up with some observations I hope will be helpful to me as I continue to walk my life.
I would say that the two great struggles I have had since leaving my religion and my ministry have firstly been to adapt to the change and secondly try to find some way to achieve balance spiritually speaking.
I suppose part of the problem is defining my spirituality:
I want my spirituality to be my own journey of discovery. That is why religion and I have a problem. That is, I see all of them as being someone else’s journey of discovery that other people follow.
I want my spirituality to embrace all that I am in balance. Reason, Emotion, Relationships, Health (Both mental and physical) and that aspect we call Spirit must all be involved equally. Most of my spirituality is about achieving balance between all these things.
Back to the two struggles, adaptation is a struggle because I am very conscious of the fact that I was engaged in a lot of spiritual activities as a Christian that I would consider irrational now.
I went to church, but I now understand what that was. It was the reinforcement of belief by repetition, not necessarily by coming to understanding the truth, but group think and emotional experience are powerful ways to teach you how to deny what is true.
I prayed, but I have realized that I was probably talking to myself most of the time. Even if there is a god, the way I was conceiving him as I prayed him took on the aspects of my earthly father. it was my concept of god I was praying to, not necessarily the divine power that actually exists.
I worshiped, but that conception of god was my own creation, so I was worshiping my own ability to conceive god. I don’t do a lot of this anymore. I honestly can’t say I miss it much.
I studied the Bible. But this was about repeating something over and over again and when you do that you are just training your mind to think a certain way. Doesn’t mean that way is true or right.
In my adaptation, I don’t want spiritual practices that don’t also leave me open to see possibilities I may not have considered or get me to be dogmatically telling others what “The Truth” is at the expense of their own freedom to figure it out themselves. it leaves very little other than practicing meditation on the virtues I want evident in my life and living life with a spiritual eye.
The other struggle is balance. Keeping one thing from dominating so much that the others are neglected.
Time to Look Through the Eye:
Faith:
I have faith in myself. Like it or not it is all I really have. People say that might be a poor thing to have faith in and they may be right. However, my self is all I really know I must have faith in, because it is the best thing I have to place my faith in that I know is real. Other things I will list that I have faith in I know based on my experience and reason that this is so, but I still must say I have a little less faith in these things than myself for obvious reasons. My wife, my small circle of friends, humanity all are worthy of various measures of my faith because they are real and proven through their actions. That said at the end of the day the only one who can keep my spiritual life in balance is me. The only one I can ultimately trust is me.
Religion:
I really try to avoid being religious, the problem is religion is very prevalent in spirituality, and eliminating it can be quite a challenge. The issue religion brings to the table is how much of other people’s spiritual experiences can be used to help my own and which ones are just controlling or fear mongering. I find that if a spiritual notion leads me to being afraid or is trying to ‘force’ me to certain activities then it is a religious element to be rejected. I just have time for notions that basically without proof try to tell me what ‘the truth’ is. I think there may be many truths, but one single monolithic truth? No. I don’t think the universe is that small. If there is any force that can take me off my notion of balance it is religion.
Theology:
The most elementary shift in my thinking theologically speaking it is realizing that sin is a made up concept. The writers of the Bible or any other holy book that talk about sin, just straight up called what behaviors they didn’t like ‘sin’. Therefore, they took it upon themselves to speak for the divine as to what offends the divine. They offer no direct proof for this. They claim it, but never prove it
Theologically speaking then, is humanity then inherently evil because they have picked up a sinful nature then? No. I have not proof one way or the other about that either. It is just asserted. So when it comes to my spirituality it is not so much avoiding or overcoming sin anymore. My spirituality has shifted more to the notion of making myself better by strengthening what is positive or turning something negative into a positive. I don’t believe that part of my humanity needs to be destroyed or redeemed anymore. I just think all elements of my humanity (needs, wants, reasoning, wisdom, etc.) need to be focused and work together to help me grow with balance.
Spirituality:
All of life then becomes just as much spiritual as it is anything else. From taking a shower, to going to work, to making love to even me sitting right now and writing on this blog. All of it has the potential to strengthen me spiritually. I simply have to find the element of each activity that helps me become a better person. What is it that leads to long life, prosperity and balance.
Conclusion:
The issue I find is still the issue of balance and adapting to being an X=Christian. Sometimes I find myself thinking about an issue and asking “Is that the former Christian talking or is it the real me?” It is the current state of my Spirituality as I walk the path of life. It is a question that comes up often.
Continuing to Walk the Path,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Grey Wayfarer 