Truth

“Truthful Like Syn” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Norse Mythology has a goddess of truth – Syn.  She is the goddess of truth, watchfulness, and doorways. Doorways and thresholds are probably more significant in this culture because it let someone in your door has obligations for the guest and the host, so it was important that no one was not supposed to cross that threshold without being who they said they were.  The truth of discerning this lays in the realm of Syn’s sphere.

I suppose the analogy is a sound one.  Learning to distinguish what is true and thus should enter your thoughts both of heart and head is a noble skill and so the image of a guard at a door is a sound one when it comes to truth.  Discernment is a big part of knowing the truth from a lie.

For me, the truth has not always been an easy thing.  Everyone lies and has lied, including me.  I did a lot of lying last year to cover up an affair I was having, but in truth, I was not very good at it, because I am simply not comfortable with the emotions my lying causes me.  Being an empath means I can feel the emotions of a person I am talking to.

The problem with me and lying to someone is the emotions they are feeling because of the lie’s effect on them, don’t harmonize with my fear when I lie.  So it makes me extremely conflicted.  If Miss Salty hadn’t decided to come clean and asked me to do the same, (which was a welcome relief from my emotional struggle about it) I would have just come clean myself sooner probably more than later because of this emotional conflict. I would have come unglued I think because of the pressure of it all very quickly.  It was at the time already being very emotionally draining after only a week.

Since leaving Christianity, I have made a commitment to the truth, which was probably the hardest on others during the blog I was writing when I first left Christendom. That blog, called The Rabyd Microphone which no longer exists, was me being dangerously truthful.  It hurt others to be truthful at that level.  So my commitment to the Virtue of Truth includes now the idea of being silent in the presence of fools.  There is also an unwritten rule in that of being very careful how truth is presented so as not to hurt others.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Today’s post is 302 consecutive days of posting for The Grey Wayfarer.  The Skald’s Lyre on Saturn’s Day was 300 days.  Only 63 more to go.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

No progress here but also no regression.  Just looking at the whole tattoo thing and the act of societal rebellion as possible bucket list items to cross off.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I have to talk a deep breath here.  My book is about the truth about Christianity and The Bible.  As a Bible scholar and Theologian with degrees to prove it, it is going to be raw truth and that is going to probably hurt some people.  That said, someone like me needs to step into this arena of ideas and say their piece, and I think that someone should be me.

Higher Virtue: Love:

If there is one thing that holds over from Christianity, it is the Bible’s observation that love rejoices in the truth.  I have to admit I am a lot happier these days.  Being truthful with myself about my faith and life was the first step to that.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

I feel I really need to stay on point with the routines this week.  The worst part of the memories and the Grey Storm that goes with them is this week and I really need to stay focused on the things that make me stay focused to get through it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Courage Like Freya” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

I have already talked about the god of justice and courageous valor a couple weeks ago with Tyr.  So with hi crossed off the list who to go with?  Freya is the next obvious choice.  1) She is one of the choosers of the slain for her hall.  Hall the fallen warriors go to her and the other half to Odin’s Valhalla.  2) She is the goddess of love and war. 3)  I think she represents courage in a broad sense, not just of the battle nature, but that bold confidence in dealing with relationships as difficult as love.

For me, this foundational example of taking the courageous risk to love and form new friendships is the challenge.  Freya calls one to take that risk despite past hurts and dangers.  To understnad, it takes courage to form new friendships and love is her heart.  Not only the war courage but the loving courage too. Confidence and pose no matter what is what Freya’s example teaches.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Today’s post is 295 consecutive days of posting for The Grey Wayfarer.  Getting close to passing the 300-day mark and ten straight months. Getting close now so need to stay focused and prepared.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Just a not on a lot of my goals here as what some of them hinge on is a new job. Mostly a better-paying one. But I also see in my goals and bucket list items that this job needs to lead to a career that I enjoy.  I have some life left to live and some bucket list items to cross off that depend on that too.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Two things I need to get better at are studying Latin and writing.  Period. That’s the Truth.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I have a conflict of love right now.  Self-love vs. self-sacrifice is a big issue for me.  I have done a lot of the latter in my life and very little of the former.  Time switch that up for a while.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Slipped a little on this one this week.  But for the most part, the important things are intact.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Songs About the Wolf Within” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

In the fantasy genre of literature, the wolf and werewolf are very symbolic of the wild untamed side of the human experience. There is a sensual and animalistic point to the image of a wolf or a man/woman transforming into a werewolf.  In the world of music, there are songs about this animalistic side of humanity and they often use the image of the wolf. It’s not coincidental that this is so the image of wolves and men is an old one and a very powerful one.

This Skald’s Lyre is a little different.  It is about a type of song that relates to the human experience coupled with one of my favorite genres of books and film – fantasy.  In particular the world of fantasy horror and the wolf and werewolf image.  The music attempts to capture this essence in both lyrics and setting the tone with the music. It often does a very good job at both.

Personal Significance:

Today I am not going to list my personal significance with each song as that is not really the point.  For me, there are simply some good songs that call to my animal side or remind me that I have one. For me, the image of the wolf is center to my heart and self-identity so that fits too.

I have had two conversations with women about men that reflect this point along the sexual side of things. Hey, whenever I write about sex it always gets attention.

1) “What the world needs are fewer wolves and more gentlemen.” – my response was pretty simple. “My dear, a gentleman is nothing more than a patient wolf.” Sorry, there is no such thing as a man who has an interest in a woman where raw sexuality isn’t present. You can keep it domesticated on civil but that raw energy is what powers all the other aspects of the relationship.  As an author once said – “everything is about sex, except sex which is about something else.”  A gentleman is just a really patient strategically-minded wolf looking for a certain type of woman to bed. He is simply a patient hunter.

2) “Men are all dogs.” – I had two responses to this.  a) So are women, women are just as horny and sexual as men.  They just like men to work at it to get them because they want to feel desired. Nothing wrong with that, but to take the high minded route that women aren’t just as interested as men about getting laid is just hypocritical. b) Men are all canine to be sure, but some of them are more domesticated than others.  Some of us seek to be more true to our ancestors and be the wolf. We are just honest about it.  If being a wolf means I am a truly masculine male, then that is my desire.  As a woman, you are either going to accept that and lose your fear of it or you are going to try to domesticate your man out of fear of his wild side and in my opinion, make him less of a man. You would probably be better off accepting his wild side and work more on embracing your own.

For me, being as wolf-like as possible and staying honest about it is something I strive to both focus and embrace.  This isn’t just about being honest about being masculine or sexual but also about the stronger emotions of anger and rage.  The desire to fight for what you care about and desire. So on my playlist are a few songs about this wolf side of things – the animal within and that animal for me is the wolf.

Playlist:

Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osborne:

Wolf and Man – Metallica:

Animal I Have Become – Three Days Grace:

Night of the Werewolves – Powerwolf:

Úlfhéðnar – Dervhengrym:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Honor Like Balder” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues.

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Over the next three weeks, I am going to take each virtue and attach it to a god or goddess of the Norse mythology as a way of illustrating it. I will not use Odin, Tyr or Thor as I already have used them. Today I am looking at Honor and the god Balder.

The Norse God Balder is a tragic tale.  Beloved by everyone, Balder is ultimately killed despite the foresight of his mother Frigg seeing his death. Balder is mourned by everyone and had it not been for Loki’s interference, he would have not found himself in Helheim.

Balder is not the strongest of the gods, far from it, but he is the most honored while he lived.  I large part this is because he is simply honorable. Balder simply lives in such an honorable way everyone honors him. He is a reminder though that not everyone respects honor.  Some people are quite jealous of it.

For me, this story is a goal of sorts.  To be like balder and be honored simply for being honorable. It is a worthy goal.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I want to have an inner feeling of value right now and the problem is I feel I am in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. That makes it difficult even though honor has nothing to do with either, for me they are a distraction from focusing on honor.  I am distracted these days.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Ik now the brave thing to do.  I just don’t know how others are going to react.  People are going to have to adjust but then again I don’t like putting people in positions that are uncomfortable.  I also have no desire to do something that forces another person to do something they do not want to do.  For myself, I think it is the right thing at the right time for a major change.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I don’t talk much, see my principle for why.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love is a key factor,  The issue as always is mutual happiness. There cannot come a point where to make someone else happy you are miserable.  I never want to be there again.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Solid. The most enjoyable part of the day.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The First Heathens – Asatru (Part 1)” – The Pagan Pulpit

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: ‘Tròdlabùndin (Spellbound)’ – Eivør Pálsdóttir

This is as mysterious and beautiful as a beautiful naked woman in the moonlight.

Translation: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/tr%C3%B8llabundin-spellbound.html

Meditation:

Image may contain: text that says 'You gotta train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you'll lose yourself everytime.'

Text:

See the source image

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

It is hard to say when the first pagans reached out with their inherent spirituality to try to understand the spiritual world around them. It is known that in roughly 9000 BC as the Ice Age was receding, the first peoples walked into Scandinavia. Basically a hunter and gatherer culture. They revered the nature that was around them and respected it for the wild and untamed thing it was.  In discussions on the belief of Giants, the idea that the giants were big monstrosities is debated.  What is not debated is that they represented powerful forces of nature – Storm, Hills, Fire, Ice, etc. It is clear these early people respected them – and feared them.

Resources were abundant so hunting, and fishing and gathering continued for some time before agriculture set in. Ancestor worship started in the whole of the Germanic areas of the world. Respect for those who had paved the way and also spirits of nature were worshiped depending on where people were. As they became more sedentary with agriculture, long term relationships with nature spirits developed and more formal worship practices developed as people had more time because of agriculture.

It is this dual purpose in paganism that you see throughout all of them.  Respect for the power of the forces of nature on the one hand and yet respect also for the legacy of ancestors who learned to tame those forces and bend them ever so slightly for the will of man. It is this last part that leads I think to the creation of the gods and goddesses. Reveared ancestors go from local hero to legend to diety. It makes me wonder sometimes who the real Odin was.

For myself, I can respect the lessons here. Up here in the north, if you don’t respect the power of a blizzard, they will find your corpse frozen in the morning.  Every year, I am reminded of the power of nature in the southern states as Hurricane season hits. At the same time, I can respect the foundation of the past and build on it knowing that men and women of old carved out human existence with their bare hands and have handed their legacy to me at this time.  Someday I will hand it off to the future. In both cases, one cannot be anything but humbled.

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, beard, text that says 'Proud Viking I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty but to be fair I don't like your lies.'

Truth is a difficult concept for some. I don’t hang around them.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Christians vs. Pagans” – Odin’s Eye – Problems with Christianity.

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.    

Discussion:

Now I am not trying to stir anything up, but I know this post probably will.  I find it interesting that Christians decry Islam for some of its more violent and politically aggressive tactics.  It seems to easy to forget that not too long ago, Christians were doing the same shit.  I would say you can still see Christians doing their level best to use at a minimal level the power of government to force their faith and morality on others.

But I have lived long enough to remember Serbia being a place where Christians killed Muslims in the 1990s. I would also say the continued bombing of Middle Eastern countries is certainly construed as (whether this is the case or not is irrelevant) as Christians killing Muslims.  So perhaps Christians should not be too hard judging Islam considering our current actions and a long bloody history of killing. coercing, defrauding and raping those who were not Christians for hundreds of years.

See the source image

The practical problem for me is that I also know the history of paganism and Christianity and it is equally as bloody.  I am not going to say the pagans were completely innocent, because they weren’t.  But it could be argued no one need have died at all if it wasn’t for Christina missionaries converting rulers and then convincing those rulers to do the above killing and coercion of those that didn’t follow suit in their realms.  If a ruler did not convert, then those around him that had would suddenly cut off trade and go to war with him.  The church pulling the strings to make it all happen like a puppet master. The church may have split on a lot of things but they still do much the same only they are far more subtle

Why is this a practical problem for me?  Because my return to paganism is much about my returning to the faith of my ancestors as it is anything else.  Christianity to those of us of European descent is an imposition, not something that we started as. We started as pagans deriving our faith by reaching put ith the spirituality we had developed to make sense of things. For me having pagan tendencies is returning to my roots and throwing off the chains of an oppressor.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Faith:

Faith forced is no faith at all.  Faith is internal and based on personal free spiritual choices.  If you force certain choices, that isn’t faith, it is a religious imposition.

Religion:

I think the conclusion that all the Abrahamic religions are bloody is pretty fair. The fact that they use their faith to justify violence and oppression is well documented. More practically is what I have seen over the years:

  1. Families that split over faith because those that believe won’t associate with those that don’t.
  2. Moral judgment on those outside the faith leading to feelings of superiority (all disguised as humility, of course) for themselves and a viewpoint of looking at others who don’t believe as less than themselves in need of conversion from their ‘sinful ways’.
  3. Political actions that force laws on others that enforce a moral code that others who don’t believe do not accept.  Or else.

Quite frankly, compassion is not the word I would use to describe this – arrogance and pride are better words. I figure most of the wars in the western world might have not taken place if not for Christianity. Now, most of it is because of Christianity and Islam.

Theology:

As a deist for the most part who enjoys the culture of his real ancestral faith, I see how much I was spending time convincing good people to do some pretty questionable things, including myself.  My theology was one of death for those who did not believe one way or the other.  I no longer see how that can be justified as no matter how hard you dance around it, a god who just kills arbitrarily or simply because people didn’t accept his message is a pretty fucked up god. My guess, people whole like to control others, love such a god though. The amount of fear you can impose on someone with such a god is quite high; and in such fear, people are easier to control. I figure the real divine is far more thorough in his judgment of each individual human than that if he or she or whatever is really concerned about justice.

Spirituality:

Oddly enough, despite all this bloody history, I feel the pagan response is genuine tolerance until such time as they seek to impose themselves again. Then resistance is allowed.  As a pagan, I don’t go looking for a fight, but I will gladly fight and finish one to protect my right to freely choose which god myself or others choose to follow if at all. Let the followers of Abrahamic religions once again demonstrate their irrational emotionalism and hatred.  I plan to stand on higher ground than that and defend myself and others.

Conclusion:

I live in a house divided.  I am a pagan, most of my family are Christians with a few notable exceptions.  My response to most of it is tolerance, and so far no one is yelling at me or whatever. But I know the past and I know where I stand.  I stand with my true ancestors.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Adjustments” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Starting next week I want to do what I did last week by taking each virtue and one of the Norse Pantheon to reflect that virtue and discuss more deeply the Virtue, its Principle, and the attached goal and bucket list item. I think this would be an interesting way to look at it for a period of three weeks.

For today though, and the rest of his week, I need to talk about a few things and mostly when it comes to the stuff below my journal entry it is a matter of adjustment.  Fine tuning things as I go into the July through September quarter of the year.  I think these things are going to go much better as my philosophy of life and spiritual viewpoint are starting to be clearer.  More solid.

Now, if I can just come up with a long term plan to deal with The Grey and all the triggers I have been running into these days, I might be a lot better off.  I still have seven of my nine goals for the year still on my plate and nine months to get them done.  Grey or No Grey, I need to move forward with my life.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

This is day 281 of this blog in a row.  I started it on October 1st, 2018.  To put this in perspective I have 84 days to go, less than three months and I will achieve the goal here.  It isn’t that far to go.

I want a job with enough disposable income to get my hiking gear and start gearing up to my hike in the UP during a vacation or something before 2024. A lot of my bucket list goals depend on something changing as far as my employment.   I need to focus on that from now until the end of September.  Hopefully, something will come up sooner than that.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

The bucket list is designed to be more long-term than the goals but one of the goals is to get one thing off that list each year. That way progress on my bucket list is ongoing. I am thinking the tattoo will be first.

There is only one major city in the world I have liked in my life when I was in it and that was Budapest, Hungary.  I want to go back.  So many of my bucket list items involve travel. Hmm. Wayfarer and travel, I wonder if there is a connection?

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I know what I am going to write and I know what the outline is because as a Chrisitan I used that outline several times.  Just now I am going at that same outline as a skeptic. The only thing I wrestle with regarding this book is so many of my friends and family are Christians and I know the contents of this book will upset them.

Latin in a couple years, the only thing is I feel sometimes a modern language might make me more employable, but I like the romance of learning Latin. Who knows maybe I will get this done quickly and move on to a Modern language after that.

Higher Virtue: Love:

It has been one of those weeks where the virtue of Love and I have had our struggles.  I am trying to figure out love these days more and more.  I am not having a lot of luck.  It is as a struggle because love has been both the best thing for me at times and also the worst.  It has to be one of the most dangerous things ever, if not properly handled.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Still a solid thing and now I do this routine a little less pressed for time by putting the blog post each day at 4 pm.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Deadly Grey Storm” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 13

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Hmm.  Lucky 13?

I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one.  I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further.  My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has.  I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty.  I really lie to myself when it’s private.

I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days.  A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche.  It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.

The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again?  Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?

There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this?  Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again?  A real pain in my soul.  Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things.  ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.

The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too.  The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me?  Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad.  Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable.  Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.

Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again.  My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them.  So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected.  Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?

Religion was no help before and it still isn’t.  Worthless is my old faith.  No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore.  I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.

Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:

  1. Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others.  One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself.  It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
  2. Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship.  The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult.  But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
  3. Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
  4. Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself.  Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away.  It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
  5. Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why.  What is the point?
  6. Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?

Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.

The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it.  I know something will take me out in the end.  I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain.  Not today bitch.

It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate.  Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.

If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer.  I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that.  I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so.  Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there.  My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.

Well time to end this for now.  I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Foundational Vision – Like Odin” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Personal Vision is important.  I can’t tell you the time I have wasted because at times I didn’t have one. This week is the last week of the quarter and the first full week of July begins the new one for me. So this week is the last week of adjustments before I start anew.  My greatest concern is that all my goals line up with my personal vision for myself.

For this week I have chosen three of the Norse pantheon of gods to model my vision after.  Odin for Foundation. Tyr for Business and Thor for Self. This is a way for me to visualize my own personal vision for myself. Each of these Gods dwells in realms that reflect my personal vision.

Today is Odin and the Foundational Virtues fo Honor, Courage and Truth.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Odin personifies Honor to me because his view of honor is practical and personal.  Odin isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty if necessary and he does not feel that undercuts his honor level one bit. In hsort, he doesn’t give a fuck about what people think about him but still acts honorably for his own sake. He simply seeks to do the necessary right thing and lives his life.  if people dishonor him, that isn’t his problem until it actually causes him a problem directly.  This is something I try to model.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation March 2029.

Odin in my mind also has a practical view of Courage that I admire. He is taking on the big tasks to avoid or delay Ragnarok and knows he has to fight one of the larger enemies (Fenrir the Great Wolf)  and he knows he is going to lose.  Yet, despite this, he keeps seeking and wandering to find answers or perhaps an alternative. He doesn’t accept fate and that is one of the more courageous actions anyone can do.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I have already mentioned it but the wanderer seeking knowledge, wisdom, and truth is much of my personal vision and very much a reflection of The Grey Wayfarer vision I have of myself.  Odin is in many ways my inspiration for a lot of who I am these days.  I am no god, but I am a person who seeks to find the truth and act on it.  The Wanderer, Warrior, and Mage all rolled up in one image.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Of course, what motivates Odin is his love for others. You can’t be a good ruler and not love what you rule.  Odin personifies this in that there are many times he could be building or protecting his power over others, but instead, he is out looking for truth and wisdom so he can help others instead.  Love personified in some ways and a very practical love at that.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Ready to go here.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Changes for July-Sept 2019 (Part 1) – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Last week I started out by stating three objectives:

  1. I want to make sure that my Goals are yearly things and my Bucket List Items are more long term.
  2. I want to move as many things from the Weekly Routine to the Daily as Possible.
  3. I want to also introduce a simple concept – days off are different than days I work. I want days off to still be restful but productive in certain ways.

This week is about putting those desires into action.

Before I begin below with all this I need to journal something that reflects the quote above.  I am not so much struggling with depression although that is there, my main struggle these days is I don’t feel like I ma where I am supposed to be. I feel not quite in sync or in tune with where I am and that is on a lot of levels – Growth, career and yes, location. It is not that anything is bad, it just isn’t right; like an instrument slightly out of tune.

Change is inevitable.  My goal is to make it more deliberate and focused and I think I have delayed a little too long on changing things and now I feel like I am off.  I need a change because being in the wrong place will cause a lot of pain further down the road.

I need to change or things are going to bet more off to the point old habits come back and that is not a path The Grey Wayfarer wants to go down again.

Now, to apply these three abortives to the goals, bucket list, and routines.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

A small change here to give the bucket list hike a five-year deadline.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation March 2029.

My goal here is a standard goal so that the bucket list items keep coming off.  after this year though with each bucket list having its own deadline, I will have to come up with something involving courage that is more specific.

My deadline for the bucket list item is the same as the one for fidelity which means by the time I turn 60 I want to have achieved both.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

The only change I made here was to extend the language learning out two years.  I may make this learning a new language every two-years a regular thing from now on. It isn’t just a good mental exercise, but after Latin, if I learn languages that are more modern, it makes you more employable.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Labor of love for myself is all this change. I want to be better and this

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Solid…no changes here. Overall my foundational aspects are solid.  They just needed some time-related elements to the goals to motivate me to move forward toward them.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!