Happy Mani’s Day
The one thing when you are young they never really seem to tell you is how much love hurts. It almost seems like everyone else who has felt this simply waits until you experience love hurting before they talk to you about it. It’s like you simply can’t relate or understand until it happens. They are probably right.
I never have felt something so wonderful as love and at the same time so devastating as when it is gone as love. I should probably clarify, what is devastating is loving someone else but them not feeling the same in return. The lack of reciprocity of love is the hard part and what makes it hard is your love for the other person is still there. Full strength kick in the balls doesn’t; begin to describe the emotional pain here.
So why do we do it? Because on the flip side, there is nothing that will make you motivated to move mountains and try to conquer the world for someone like love. The moments I have felt the best in my life have been when I have been in love and knew the other person loved me. But I now recognize this is not enough. Love without honor, courage, and truth will fail too.
To the Wolves and Ravens:
“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”
My need is for love with all these qualities is pretty high. I have very high expectations from love because it has taken me to great heights. Perhaps I am being romantic about it but my need for love is the kind of love that is openly honest and takes risks because the reward for those risks is so high. The greatest risk I think at times is to love yourself but also the most needed. It is the one need I feel is the most unmet in my life.
I want to feel as good loving myself as I do when I love another. I don’t; recall this being a thing too often in my life. But when it has been there, I have been better than ever. Add it to a time when I have loved another and those are the moments of my life so rare that count them as my greatest moments.
I suppose someone will call out the cold side of reason when it comes to love, but I don’t work that way. Considering love rationally, one needs to find those moments of a love of self and another to the point they happen more often. Rationally these are the mountaintops of life. I jsut have never been able to find them rationally. I have to follow my instincts and my heart but I don’t trust people enough to do this. I trust my instincts, it is just people who have a way of being unfaithful in the end that my instincts and empathy seem to miss. I assume truth instead of lies. I assume courage instead of cowardice. I assume honor instead of dishonor. It is these assumptions that have made me look like an ass more than once. No matter how rational I try to be, when I am in love and feel love, my brain takes a holiday and I assume the best and often get the worst.
I question my wisdom when it comes to love all the time. Give me a problem to solve and I am there in full force. Give me a feeling like love to sort out and I find myself whimpering in the corner more often than not. Wisdom strives for balance and I can never seem to find it. io am all in or all out when it comes to love. There seem to be no in-between stages or degrees. Love, therefore makes me a fool. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
I wish I had something more positive to say. I love to be in love but the downside causes me to shy away. To play it safe. But that doesn’t; help me and it certainly leads to a life that hurts in other ways. I want to break this cycle. I am just unsure as to how to do it.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.