The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer #2 – Tattooing My Closure

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know probably all of you are expecting another installment of The Grey Wayfarer Fantasy Serial, but I have been backlogged with a lot of homework for school.  I want that series to be high in quality, so I could either skip it this week and make sure it is good stuff next week or I could rush it and it not be as good.  I chose the former.

I also am considering another serial of a different nature for variety so Saturdays might be one or the other of these series or both.  I really like to write fiction, so it’s really not a problem.

I will not leave you post less however so I feel a personal update is in order.

Celtic Cross Tattoos. I love the background on this.

My wife and I are doing well. Moving out on our own is probably the best thing we could have done for ourselves and probably should have done it a lot sooner than we did.  Perhaps if we had done so, a lot of things would not have happened as they did.

Howling Wolf - Done by Matthew Owen at Kingdom of Ink Doncaster UK

I have been struggling with The Grey (Depression).  One day I will be fine, the next angry, the next sad and then depressed the fourth day and then back up and at it the next. I have spoken about how I think this is caused by a lack of closure.  There is a cycle to it and I am thinking that if I could get some closure on things or healing could be sped up in some way that cycle would be broken or minimized.  I am just not sure how.

I will not wear the Valknut, because I am not dedicated to Odin, but I think this would be a great base for embroidery on a tunic for someone else.

A thought struck me this week that my tattoo plans might be the answer.  I view this not so much as acts of rebellion or a mid life crisis (Sweet Baby Jesus, this has been long mid-life crisis; if it is one) but as statements about milestones in my life, a new philosophy or statements about the past. It is this last aspect that I think I might be able to use as a markers on my journey through life. Because of this there is now a real  desire to get that first tattoo again.  I could see it as a line where I pass from one thing to the next.  The past behind and the future before me. Symbolized by tattoos. There is also the fact that such a transition would come with pain – some how that seems appropriate. It’s at least an idea.

22382062_1981814945433304_1064028570174124316_o.jpg 555×1.020 píxelesOn a more personal note – I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me.  Who has not let my bad decisions and bad frame of mind deter you from being my friends or reading my blogs over the last several months.  Your concern is appreciated and I don’t know if I thank my genuine friends enough for sticking by me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – The Self Virtues – Difficulties or Conditions

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal:

My wife and I had our counseling session and the one item that has been rolling in my head continues to be closure.  When I brought up some of the situations I felt I didn’t have closure on, he asked me if they were difficulties or conditions.  A difficulty is something that you can do something to fix.  Conditions are something that is basically you have to live with.  A difficulty might be a broken arm; a condition might be to have diabetes.  One you can over time fix and heal from. The other is something you will bear the pain and responsibility for maintaining for the rest of your life.

I never really answered what I thought to each of these situations would be to him.  It was more something I was left to think on and so I’m here writing this journal entry and wondering what the diagnoses for each of them might be.  I already live with a lot of conditions.  I really don’t want anymore of these psychological or social conditions than I already have.  I really do want to leave this all behind.  I want proper closure. I want these to be difficulties and not conditions, but I don’t see how that can be. At least not yet.

The other issue the gleaming generality that if I wait long enough time will heal it all.  Bullshit.  I still carry stuff from other situations and I can say this – time doesn’t heal everything. There are some wounds that leave you with a limp or a crooked jaw, or scars that never completely heal.  I wish people would stop saying that.  I suspect if people could see my soul, they would see scars, wounds and missing parts.  I have certainly had a lot of the blood of my soul spilled on the ground this past summer, so I might be a little spiritually anemic as well.  Time may make coping with all that easier, but it won’t make everything go away.  I suspect all the wounds I received in this last summer won’t ever heal completely.   Closure usually helps speed healing up, but I am not sure how to get it right now on several fronts.

I want the things I am facing to be difficulties that I can overcome in time, but I am having to face the hard reality they may be conditions I simply need to learn to live with.  Like my diabetes, I simply have to find a way to overcome most of the problems and symptoms and move along with my life despite the condition.  Or I need to find alternative methods of closure other than the ones that normally you would use.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Discipline at this point is not knowing what to do.  I know that.  What I need to do is consistently do things I know and so far that seems to be working.  I wish I could say perfectly but that is still the goal.  The Routines are really the heart of this; so over time, I can make better observations and adjustments.  Staying busy does help the healing process, so that’s good.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

As I look at this weeks Journal entries, I can see the desire here.  Keep getting up and keep going.  I want to move forward and take hits better. Our counselor this time said we were a good couple and he feels that this whole thing has made us stronger.  I wish I had his confidence, because I still feel vulnerable in certain regards.  I, however, am a stubborn man who refuses to quit and in this regard, it is a good thing.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

I was discussing friendship this week on a post of Facebook.  It wasn’t a long discussion but I had to note that fidelity in friendship is difficult to find.  My recent experience means that, with all but a very few people, I check my 6 a lot more even with people who call themselves my friends.  I have learned another painful lesson that betrayal’s greatest problem is it comes from your friends.  I am even more antsy at social gatherings because I feel like people are observing me to gossip later.  I am introverted to begin with and this just kills most of the desire to be social with all but my closest friends and family. And my closest friend list has gotten really short.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week

So far everything is good here.  Basically when they are needed they get added to the daily routine and get done at some time during the day. I will probably know more when I have been at this a little longer.

Nutrition:

Mostly OK.  I mean the plan is basically intermittent fasting and Paleo Diet so it is more about when and what I eat. I have two challenges.  1) Finding a carb free alternative for bread that works for me and my budget.  2) Making sure I break my fast with a meal at noon time.  It’s not always possible, so may need to do some planning there.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – I feel my foundation is solid.  Probably a good thing.  I still work on things here as they are not perfect but I feel like these are the areas of least concern, other than honor.

Business – Making progress and in a month and a half school will be done except for an internship and I already have plans for that. November is going to be an interesting month and hopefully a productive one.

Self – I struggle here.  I just don’t want to lose myself and what I want to do.  To Balance that with marriage and family is sometimes a lot of work. Sometimes dealing with The Grey and wounds makes it hard to look into the mirror. Hopefully that will change soon.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye -Objections to Christianity – Part 1 – The Bible’s Inspiration by God

Happy Thor’s Day

Introduction:

I want to state up front, this is a long post. I want to be complete as possible in stating this objection and the ones in the months to follow.  Mostly as I will state later that I for a long time wanted answers; I still do.  It was hard leaving my faith because I wanted so desperately to believe. Reason for me eventually prevailed and I will stand by that decision.   The reason I am putting a lot of words into this is that I still would accept answers: if they could be proven rationally that Christianity is the true religion.

I have written on my crisis of faith a couple of times. Despite some people’s assertion that this is recent phenomena due to personal events, it actually started about two years ago with my second objection. I will talk about that in a couple of weeks, but it is basically I think ‘sin’ is a man-made up concept.  It started when I preached a message about sin and I had heard a quote that week from a critic of Christianity that basically said sin was made up and that because of it Christianity solves a problem of its own making.

I will get into this moment in more detail in a couple of weeks but it got me rethinking every thing in the light of skepticism and I began to form four theological objections for which I still have no satisfactory answers. While the sin question got my original thinking going, it is this first question involving the Bible and divine inspiration that forms the foundation of the other three.

Now, I want to state for the record that I am no amateur when it comes to the Bible or Theology.  1) I have degrees in both Biblical Studies (BA) and Theological Studies (MA).  2) I am a professional theologian and have been since 1996.  3) I was a Christian from the time I was eight and as I approach my 50th birthday that would have been close it forty-two years. 4) I was a pastor (now retired) for twenty years and have spent many years since school studying the Bible and engaging theological questions.  5) I have had several crisis moments in my theology and up until two to three years ago I could answer them all or found ways to explain them.  Not anymore.

I will also say I am not hostile to Christianity, I get it.  It took me a long time to face the facts of the objections I will present in this series. I still am open to anything that answers them.  My largest problem when I discuss this is people sometimes get offended because I seem to be very aggressive, but I am not really doing that, just being as honest as I can.  People don’t always like it when you ask questions that are hard about what they believe. Cognitive dissonance is a real thing, so I get.  Understand I am not being hostile to your faith if you have it.  I am just being hostile to mine or what mine used to be. That’s because I take as a central core idea that if the God of the Bible is the real god and the Bible is inspired by him, then it should make sense and have rational proof this is so.

Faith:

Bottom Line, faith is trusting in something that you have no evidence for and that is the problem.  You hope it is true and you believe it is true, but you don’t know it is true. This is particularly true for many church doctrines and one of the most notable is the divine inspiration of scripture.  The reason I can say this is no matter what school of thought you follow in looking at inspiration, there is no evidence that God came down and inspired the Bible.  You simply have to believe the simple statement “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God.”  There is no attempt to prove this, just a statement of fact that the reader must simply accept.

An example is probably in order: The Rabyd Skald’s writings are inspired by the God Odin.  Everything he writes comes straight from the mouth of the god Odin.”  You say ridiculous.  I ask why?  You say because I simply have made an assertion and have offered no proof that what I say is true. I want to tell you the Bible does the exact same thing with the exact same level of proof that God came down and directly inspired the writers of the Bible – none. It’s pure faith, no evidence even from the Bible itself.  The Bible writers simply assert this; they never prove it.

Religion:

Looking at the doctrine of inspiration historically, once again we have no proof of the inspiration of Scripture by God, just the creation of the doctrine of inspiration and various councils of men deciding which books are inspired.  There is no record of God coming down and saying – “these books are my inspired word.” Just groups of men doing that.  That is what you actually see.

It stands to reason that religions do this.  In the end, you need a common core of beliefs and authority and it is far easier to make a group of writings do that because it has a greater chance of standing the test of time.  Especially if you inject a tradition of copying and transcribing these books from one generation to the next. Even in this though, two problems develop. 1) People abuse the authority of said books and can twist their meaning and 2) the transcription of said books can be flawed.

The second brings up an additional inspiration question which is: ‘Is the Bible still inspired even though people have put mistakes into it and changed it from one language to the next where meaning is going to get changed?  The human factors are definitely present in the Bible.  Does that undermine inspiration or simply point to the fact that the Bible is a wholly human book and because we don’t really have proof God is involved, are we just making up the whole divine inspiration thing in order make this human book have more significance?

Theology:

I spent a great deal of time and digital ink pouring over this question of inspiration.  On my blog All Things Rabyd (which is still there although no longer active)  I spent nine posts looking at the various theories of divine inspiration.  You can find the link to all of them here. I eventually settled on Dynamic Inspiration as the best possible explanation to handle the human element being in the bible.  That much like the doctrines of Christ state Jesus was 100% God and 100% Man, so was the bible the same way.  It satisfied me for a while but there was a fatal flaw in the whole thing.

The flaw? I still had no proof positive that the 100% divine inspiration part was real.  There is no photograph of God reaching into the head of Paul or Moses inspiring them to write things.  I mean you could say God is the inspiration for the Bible like a person might be inspired to write about nature from being outside. There is however no proof that God took an active hand in telling the authors what to write or how to write it.  That is purely a matter of whether you believe that or not.  It really is blind faith on that particular question.

Spirituality:

I will probably handle other objections involving scripture at a later date.  My purpose today is to get the main parts of my first objection to Christianity out there.  The question always comes – do I still read the Bible and what value do I place on it?  Well, yes I do.  I value it in that it contains a lot of ‘truth’ small t.  I just don’t think it’s the Truth.  Rather a lot of men wrote about their sincere belief in God.  God inspired them in that way and they wrote but in the end, it was human inspiration ABOUT the divine.  It was not God coming down and whispering in their ear what to write, no matter what their claims.

For me, I still draw a lot of inspiration from the Bible.  Some of its stories are great.  It has men wrestling with the question about God.  The teachings of Christ are some of the best on human relationships you will ever see.  That said, it is only one avenue of being inspired, not the only one and it is a very human book.  In short, it has its flaws, and I think some of the morality it promotes could be questioned as to whether it actually does good or not.

Conclusion:

When the doctrine of inspiration goes, then you can look at the bible objectively.  This caused me to really realize the god of the Bible has a few problems.  1) Sin seems to be made up as a concept and used to control the behavior of people 2) The plan of salvation God comes up with does not speak well of supreme being because it makes God both sadistic and masochistic. 3) God’s justice seems a little suspect especially when you consider final judgment.

Every other week I will be writing on one of these. In between, I will be writing on my state of faith currently and what I am pursuing to kind of balance out things.  Because like it or not, losing your faith and going through the reasons for it is depressing.  Need counterbalance that with a little more positive.  Next Week I will talk about why I am a deist.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!!!

Just a message for all of you ghouls, vampires, zombies, ghosts, mummies and werewolves and witches out there this evening.  Have a Happy Halloween and enjoy the day your way.  It should be noted that this is the 31st straight day of posting on The Grey Wayfarer so we have hit our first month milestone.  A great day to do that.

I want to thank all of you for following, liking or commenting over this month.  As always thanks for reading.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – The Business Virtues – Dreaming Big

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Journal:

I think the whole plan is starting to come together and this is now more about acting and adjustment than actual planning.  I am starting to dream big again and I like the assertive confidence it is creating in me.  It’s nice to feel a little more sense of honor and discipline coming back into my life.

I still struggle with the emotions of loss.  I had several relationships cut short by my own actions and the actions of others.  I am working on restoring my most important relationship with my wife but the others remain difficult.  People can say ‘come on over and we will talk and still be friends’ but I know the reality of that is either just being polite or it would truly be awkward and everyone knows it.  In one relationship, I am actually not sure what I would feel, but as I said Monday, I think there is still a closure problem with it, at least with me.

What seems to help the most is staying true to the Big Dreams I have on my bucket list and working toward them.  It’s baby steps at this point.  I hope in the future it will be larger steps. One day the dreams will be reality, so I work toward them. It is perhaps this process that will pull me out of this funk I seem to get into every once and a while.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

Blessed independence.  There are a few things unmet yet that are wants but needs are met and that is a good thing.  One ‘need’ might be health insurance at this point but in truth me and my wife will muddle through until we have opportunity to get some when we are making more money.  Hopefully that won’t take too long.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

My current work is sometimes an enjoyable thing.  I like the feeling that I actually did something useful.  Been a while since I felt that way.  I do work to make my job efficient but now I have come to see doing so at home as far as cleaning and organizing things can have that quality too.  Even school work is starting to be enjoyable again.  I still have my struggles but the routines and focusing on the future seem to be helping.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

I have big dreams of being prosperous, but part of that is the idea of being in a position to be hospitable and giving back.  My motivation is not hording wealth so much as prosperity I can share with others.  Right now If someone were truly in need I could help them by at least giving them a place on the floor in the living room and sharing a meal with them.

The dream is far larger than this.  I want to be able to help people more often.  Setting up a charity perhaps but more practically, I know the main thing people need is support and that often involves a serious look at yourself in an atmosphere of loving accountability.  My one regret in ministry in my last church is changing the prayer group from a spiritual self-evaluation session into just a bible study.

I really think support groups are far more needed where a person can be honest about what is going on in their life and get emotional and other support.  When that changed, I personally lost the ability to be accountable to myself and I think that left me vulnerable and it cost me.  I would like to restore that and give it to others who also need it like myself.

Daily Routine:

  1. Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging
  3. Reading – 1 hour per day.
  4. Study / Homework – 1 hour per day or until all necessary work is completed.
  5. Empty In Box
  6. Financial Transaction Input

Daily routines are a little harder.  Mostly time is a factor. I always have to juggle sleep with getting the routine done for the day.  Or I try to stick with the priority order but priorities do change depending on circumstances.  Some things on this list will take less time if I stay up on them as this problem will become less of a problem as I keep doing what I need to do each day.

Goals: 

  1. Strengthen Marriage
  2. Finish my Political Science Degree
  3. Advance Career
  4. Monitor and Control Finances
  5. Write for my Blog  – 1 post per day average.
  6. Exercise
  7. Follow a Solid Diet Plan
  8. Create and work a Bucket List.

Dreaming Big.  When I look at this list of goals the picture of taking steps to get to the dream of owning my own business and retiring to be the philosopher/writer in the woods doesn’t seem so unattainable.   As I check off items on all these lists, I think I will begin to see that more clearly. Right now its the early stages so its hard to see the big dream come to fruit but as the months go by and things get checked off this list, it will get clearer.

Budgeting: 

  1. Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
  2. Debt Snowball
  3. Fully funded Emergency fund
  4. Invest 15% of income into retirement
  5. Pay off Home Early
  6. Build Wealth and Give

Step 1 still in progress.  The issue is going to be any extra income needs to be saved into an emergency fund until we get $1000.  Once school is finished I need to find some ways to make more money: either a better job, second job or taking matters into my own hands.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Of Wolves and Ravens – Voting or Playing the Lotto

 

Happy Tyr’s Day

Introduction:

I am on campus a lot as a student and have been over this last three and a half years and at every election time the message by the school is clear, get out there and vote.  “It’s your civic responsibility”. “You can make a difference.”  The problem with being an Economics Minor is when you start doing an analysis of voting using economic law and principles, you discover to your horror as a Political Science Major that your individual vote matters little.

It was humorous this last week as the Power Ball Lotto reached 1.6 Billion and I saw people lining up around the country for their almost statistical zero chance of winning it. Many of same people will adamantly tell me I am wasting my vote by voting for Libertarian candidates because they won’t win.  The irony is a little thick there because voting is very much like playing the lotto.  You are doing an action that might have the very small statistical chance of actually affecting the outcome of an election.

On to the Wolves and Ravens:  

Needs (Geri):

I am doing a little bit of switch here because as I already indicated I am a libertarian and so the first thing I am going to talk about is whether government is legitimate.  I think it in most cases is not even necessary.  Like I said on Sunday in the Pagan Pulpit on Havamal 47 – people in general are decent people. There are always bad apples and some people want protection against those apples, so humans start out with the idea of government as a means to do that.  If I take a Classical Liberal position you have government needed for a way of settling deputes and to provide protection of human rights, this would involve a need for courts, internal security (fire and police) and defense.  Other than that most other things could be handles by voluntary associations and the free market.

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Wants (Freki):

So if we need this minimal government and we want it, how do we get it?  Democracy is the notion that the majority rules by voting and that the majority gets the action that they voted for.  There are several problems with this.  1) I don’t want this decision to affect myself or others negatively but when the majority rules the effect is felt on those that want the action and those that don’t.  2) I am forcing the other side to my will if my side wins.  If I am a decent human being, forcing another to do something they don’t want to do or affects them negatively, should be distasteful to me. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be part of something that is about the tyranny of the majority. What we have in voting and democracy most of the time is mob rule, and the person who can rally the biggest mob around them wins.

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Reason (Huginn):

OK. Time to look at voting rationally.  Two things: 1) The power of the individual vote is insignificant and 2) There are only a few times where your vote can actually matter.

The first is the simply point that the value of a single vote in any election is 1 over N.  N being the number of votes actually cast in that particular election. This means the larger and election, the more statistically insignificant your vote is.  You actually probably have more of a chance of affecting the outcome of smaller local elections than anything else.  The most power if have had personally in this regard is when I sat on two school boards and had a one seventh of a chance of actually casting a deciding vote.

The other part is knowing that the only time you actually to cast a significant vote is when you either break or cause a tie.  Otherwise you are just part of the mob.  In truth what you are doing is playing the political lotto hoping that you are part of the mob that wins. Also, if you are part of the mob that loses then your vote was wasted and if the election is won, every winning vote beyond what was need to win is a wasted vote. There are a lot of insignificant and wasted votes every election and the most of them are actually cast for the two major parties.

This is why people don’t get informed because I think they instinctively know this.  There is little point in spending a lot of time on something that you know won’t have much effect; if any, on the outcome.  So people vote their feelings or party line because it doesn’t require much thought.

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Wisdom (Muninn):

So what, then?  Where does wisdom fit in?  I can only say that it might have little to do with voting or government in general.  If we were wise we would give government little power and maintain that individuals have strong rights the government can’t take away by voting.  Oh, yeah that’s what the founders gave us but we keep going down the path to less individual rights and more government.  A course that is not wise, but the desire for security over freedom keeps leading us to despise “The Blessings of Liberty”. . Perhaps people should reconsider that maybe our founders here in the United States were in a sense political geniuses and we should respect their intelligence of individual rights over government power.

Conclusion:

Yeah, I vote.  But don’t tell me my vote matters or its my civic duty.  For me it is more like other people playing the lotto.  It’s that slim chance I might make a difference, that I might be in the winning mob.  I do it for the thrill of marking my choices and hoping like the power ball player gets his number and dreams. I do it for the thrill of knowing that there is a statistically better chance that I will be involved in a fatal car crash on my way to the polls, than my vote will make a difference – it’s kind of like sky diving for a political scientist.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – The Foundational Virtues – Closure

Happy Moon’s Day

Journal Entry:

I have spent the greater part of October planning and organizing the plan for my life post-pastor and post-Christianity. Now it is time to act.  This last week has been a little rough for me, as I have spent way too much time thinking on the past and trying to shake it. The real thing I think I am facing is the fact that with a lot of parts of the past, I lack closure.  Things ‘ended’ with several things in my life with what I would consider bad endings. If they had been written out as part of one of my stories, I would have definitely considered a rewrite to at least provide some sense of ending for the reader.  The way things actually went down, there is no sense of that.  At least from my side there isn’t.

It’s why things don’t sit well with me on several past issues and this is something that is affecting me and my wife, so I will probably talk about it at our next counseling session. I can’t go into all the details, but I think I need a way to find some closure on some things and I just don’t know how yet.  That’s part of my next task personally.

As it is, I need to fight the anger, sadness and The Grey that comes with this struggle, so the time to Journal and Act on all the planning I have done this last month is now.  I need to stay busy and thus keep walking this journey I call my life.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

The real question for me is honor.  In some of these past cases, I feel people got the better of me by taking advantage of my vulnerability.  In some cases, it is myself that needs to apologize for my actions. In some cases, it is simply that the way I parted with someone just wasn’t right.  There are many things left unsaid and undone.

It’s hard to be positive about my future when the past reminds me of my failures.  It needs to be dealt with properly and in some cases, it might not be possible. I need to calm myself through meditation at these times and refocus on the future.  It’s just something I need to get better at doing.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Three things are required for courage to take place.  1) To know what the right thing is. 2) To know what to do about it and 3) To know when to do it.  It’s this three-fold thing that keeps me engaged in evaluation of every action that requires courage.

If there is a closure regret that I can relay specifically, it’s that I truly wish I could go back in time and handle my church resignation myself.  What I should have done is taken a Sunday off to think about it and then resigned in person the next Sunday after that.  Perhaps then things would have been different, but who knows.  For future reference some notes to self: 1) If there is something hard to do, do it yourself and 2) Don’t trust others to do things for you that directly affect you – they will either fuck it up or fuck you over, so do it yourself.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

Being honest with myself is more the struggle these days.  It is easy to blame others and I am not saying others are not to blame at times, but you can only control what you do, so knowing the truth is helpful in that regard.  If others do indeed fuck you over, then fine, but make sure you learn what you could have done better first before seeking justice.

I pursue any knowledge I think will benefit me in the future.  These days this pursuit is done with a lot of practicality in mind.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals
  3. Review Bucket List
  4. Full Body Stretch
  5. Meditate on One of the Virtues
  6. Breakfast
  7. Supplements and Medicines
  8. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  9. Get Dressed for the Day

This has been going really well so far, but I had to make one change in the order which was to put my meditation after my full body stretch.  This is more of a practical thing as I end my stretching on the floor and so it’s a simple matter to go lotus position at that point and just meditate for a couple of minutes on the Virtue for the day.  Other than that I think the whole thing is a good order and working well for me.

Bucket List:

  1. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
  2. Get My Tattoos.
  3. Actually Get Drunk.
  4. Smoke a Joint.
  5. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
  6. Write My Novel.
  7. Learn Latin.
  8. Learn Hungarian.
  9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.
  10. Start my own business

I think the one thing on this list that is the most possible is getting my first tattoo once I have the money. I mean I could do the Smoke a Joint thing but I am trying to keep clean for job search purposes.  Once school is over I think the novel and Learning Latin might be next.  The weightlifting goals will come when they come.

Weightlifting:

Weightlifting’s great challenge right now is picking which days to do it.  My schedule at work is different days every week. So the thing is that I need to make four trips to the gym a week.  This means sometimes its weekend days as well.  This is simply necessary because trying to lift after a long day of work and school and then late gym session can be too much.  I found out Sunday morning is pretty empty at the gym.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – Havamal 47 – Enjoying Humanity

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: Disturbed – Voices:

I have been listening to this one a lot this week.  It kind of goes along with the theme this week, so I will keep the commentary about it until the Sermon.

Poem:

“My Soul Has Eyes”

The Mirror to the Soul

So they are called.

I can’t see my own

unless I look in the mirror.

I wonder what part of my soul people see?

The part of my soul that is tired and depressed

The part of my soul that has regrets

The part of my soul that bleeds with wounds new and old

The part of my soul that is black and dark

or the part that shines in hope and love.

I wish I knew what people see in my eyes

What part of my soul is laid bare.

– Ed Raby, Sr.  – October 25, 2018

I must confess my writing of poetry is bitter sweet.  It enjoy it on the one hand because it allows me to express feelings in words that normal writing doesn’t do.  I need that from time to time.  On the other hand the memories of the person associated with me learning to write poems better and understand them better comes up every time I do it, and that just makes me sad.  I guess it’s something I just live with, because I can’t seem to stop writing them from time to time.  Sometimes its the only thing that works.

Meditation: 

Image may contain: text

I post a lot of memes and sayings on Facebook.  Just so everyone knows, the Meditation for the week usually comes from one of them I posted that past week.  It’s the one that meant the most to me.

Song of Preparation:Van Halen – Love Walks In:

The story associated with this song for me is that I was standing in a convenience store a little after my wife and I started reconciling.  This song came on and the guy behind the counter was singing it.  I joined in; which is not something I normally do.  The guy behind the counter stopped to listen to me and asked if the song meant something to me.  I told him until that moment, no.  But now it did.  Not only did it reflect at the time the new feelings of love I had for my wife but there was a very human moment there with that guy.  Humanity didn’t seem all that bad to me at that time.

Text: Havamal 47

Young was I once, I walked alone,
and bewildered seemed in the way;
then I found me another and rich I thought me,
for man is the joy of man.

Sermon:

It is really hard to be objective about the nature of humanity.  Most of us think humans as a rule are not the greatest thing to ever happen to us.  Some people I imagine love people, but there are a good chunk of us that have problems with humanity.  Some of us, like in the video of Disturbed’s song ‘Voices’, have our fantasies about getting back at the bullies, getting revenge on the girl who dumped us or tying up a difficult boss.  It truly is freaky shit that we think of sometimes isn’t it when it comes to how we would like to respond toward some people’s actions toward us.  The voices are pretty convincing that even we are not all that great.

If we were honest though, most of the people in our lives are a lot like us.  Just trying to make their way in the world and do the best they can.  Very few people in our lives actually deliberately try to make our lives miserable.  There are a few, I will acknowledge that, but for most part, people seem decent enough.

I think this is more evident if you have ever been lost alone away from people for a while or wonder if you can find your way back to them.  I have had this experience at least twice.  It is an intense relief when you actually find another person.  I get what Odin is saying in Havamal 47.  Like it or not we need our fellow humans and very few of us are misanthropes.

In fact, I would argue that many times at our lowest point it has been someone else who helped us out of it.  Some person who saw us in our suffering and actually stopped to help, or as we wandered we ran into someone who inspired us. I would say our positive encounters with humans actually probably outweigh our negative ones.

At the very least we become like the guy in the Disturbed video of ‘Voices’.  We drop our anger and desire for vengeance and simply walk off to the mosh pit and try to find a more human ‘loving’ way to get rid of our anger. Perhaps that is the greatest testimony to humanities goodness after all – that we choose to find another way that is constructive.  Very few of us actually act on the voices.

Closing Song:  Slash Street Boys – “I’ll Kill You That Way”:

A little Halloween Humor to send you off today.  Enjoy the Week and Happy Halloween!!!

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Grey Wayfarer (Fantasy Serial) – Chapter 3 – Awakening (Wayfarer)

Happy Saturn’s Day

The man in the bed stirred.  It was the first time he had moved on his own power since the whole thing began.  His eyes fluttered open but he immediately shut them again.  Things were too bright.  Gods his head hurt.  No telling where he was now.  He was either in his intended destination, the hospital or the morgue. If the last was true, he was waking up to what lies beyond the veil of death and that brightness was the afterlife.

Somehow though he suspected that it was not the afterlife or the hospital.  You don’t hear the sounds of lovers making love in a hospital that often and he could smell smoke of a fire. No, unless something truly unplanned had happened, he had arrived in his intended destination.  He just couldn’t move or speak or see it in truth yet.  He opened his eyes once again and the blur came into focus.

He was in a room with a bed and a wash basin on a small wooden stand.  There were  towels draped over the stand as well and the fabric was exquisite.  Not made by a machine but much better in many respects.  He tried to move his arm and succeeded only to lift it a little. Then he looked a little to the edge of the bed only to see the face of a huge white wolf staring back at him. Their eyes met and strangely he didn’t feel afraid of the wolf.  The wolf looked at him for a few moments and then walked out of the room past the curtain that separated it from the main room.

A few moments later a large man entered the room. He was muscular but looked older with hair that was white.  He only had one eye and the other was covered with a patch. He was wearing a simple grey tunic and on his shoulder was perched a large raven.

“Well, you live after all.  I will wake up my wife and she will tend you,” the man said in a commanding deep voice.

Then he disappeared.  The man stirred a little more and after a couple of minutes a woman in a white dress came in. She was blond, blue-eyed and stunningly beautiful.  She smiled at him but he could see a knowing sadness behind her eyes. He wondered about that, but she came along and sat beside him and touched his forehead and chest.

He couldn’t get over how beautiful she was.  Her proportions were perfect and her skin flawless.  He eyes were stunning like they looked right into your heart and her golden hair radiant beyond belief.  No super model, with the most skillful of Photoshop work done, could look like she did.  It was then he realized his nakedness under the blankets and began to feel a little self-conscious.  She smiled again.

“Be at peace, you are safe here,” her voice was like soft music.

She leaned a little closer like she didn’t want to be overheard.

“Besides, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

He blushed slightly and found his hand absent mindedly going to the Thor amulet around his neck.  It was still there.  He wondered at it now as the story that had been told him had been true.  It was magical.  It had drawn him to this place, wherever that was.  He began to relax a little more.  It was hard not to do so in this woman’s presence.

“You know you have been under my care for a day and I still don’t know who you are?  Can you speak?”

The Man looked at her and smiled.

“My name is Beorn Erickson. I guess you could say I am a scholar of sorts”

“Well Beorn, I am Frigg, goddess of motherhood and home. Welcome to our home.”

Beorn didn’t show any reaction to the statement that she was a goddess.  He actually  relaxed even more. The amulet had worked and now he could move on to other things.  He decided to choose his words carefully.

“So the mythology isn’t mythological after all.  So the man I saw; he is Odin, the All-Father?  Your husband?”

Frigg raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, he is Odin.  All Father and King of the gods of Asgard. It is not often that mortals hear of the gods and react as you do.  How is this possible?”

“You could say I have been looking for you.  Mostly though I wanted to prove this amulet worked.  The magic in it is unique and very powerful.  Besides if legend is correct, the gods and goddesses of Asgard prefer actions of worship, not the groveling prayers of other religions.”

“A wizard, not just a scholar then? My husband might be very interested in that.  He is a wizard himself and a warrior.”

“Yes, some of the legends and stories remain.  Many are lost though.  I guess you could say this was a research trip in that regard.”

“A seeker after knowledge.  Yes, My husband will respect that.  The issue he will have is whether or not you are willing to pay the price for knowledge that is sometimes needed.”

“Yes, those stories remain.  His hanging from the world tree and his sacrifice of his eye.  They also speak of your powers to see men’s fates.”

Frigg’s smile faded; but it was not anger that replaced it, but a sadness.

“Yes, I can, but it is not very helpful.  There is little that can be done to change the fates of men.”

Beorn decided not to press this.  He knew she was speaking of her son Balder and he didn’t want to bring up painful memories.

“Well, I suppose that would be a heavy burden to bear. I didn’t mean to cause you sadness.”

“No, it alright.  It was a long time ago that I lost Balder…that Asgard lost Balder.  You seem strangely emphatic for a wizard and scholar.”

“I wasn’t always a wizard and a scholar.  I once was a priest. A Christian priest.”

“That explains your gentleness.  You gave that up?  I wonder what reason you could have for that?”

“I am not very good with celibacy for one.”

Frigg laughed and Beorn with her.

“I can also say that celibacy would not allow you to share one of your better assets with the world either.  You shouldn’t deprive women like that.”

They laughed again.  Beorn felt so at ease in her presence.

“I imagine though that there are other deeper reasons.”

“It was the beliefs.  The god of the cross doesn’t make sense to me anymore.  So I went looking for others.”

“Well, it seems you found a couple.”

“Yes, I have. The amulet worked and drew me to you.”

Frigg paused.  The two looked at each other for a moment.

“Well Beorn, I can’t see that you are ill or in any way sick.  Just drained of energy.  I will make some food to help with that, and bring you something to drink.  My husband will want you fully rested and restored before he speaks with you.”

She got up and headed toward the curtain.  As she started to pull it back, Beorn spoke once again.

“Frigg, thank you for your hospitality. There was one other reason I left the priesthood.  Love.”

Frigg smiled.

“I would say that was related to the first reason you gave, but I understand. I suspect you broke her heart or perhaps…”

“She broke mine.”

“Ah, well perhaps you will find love again.”

“I hope so, it’s a good thing to be in love but also dangerous.”

“Yes, it is.”

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Big Picture and Depression Triggers

The Planning part is done.  Virtues, Routines, Goals, Plans, etc. are all finished as far as initial thoughts.  Now is the time for to get the big picture and make a final plan which is how I am going to maintain this and monitor it.  Of course this is what this blog and blogging in general is all about for me.  I have three journal posts each week and my notebook, which is how monitoring this is going to take place.  There are also adjustments that need to take place as things are crossed off my lists as accomplished and life changes from time to time. Mostly though I will be using the three A Skald’s Life posts each week to keep track of things and stay motivated. Today is the big picture of how that will work and at the end something personal because it doesn’t really fit anything else.

A Skald’s Life – Foundational – In each weeks Foundational Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Honor, Courage and Truth.  I think it is also a good place to discuss the Morning Routine, Bucket List and my Weightlifting Plan. Like all my journal posts is will start with a basic journal entry of what is going on.

A Skald’s Life – Business – In each weeks Business Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Self-Reliance, Industriousness and Hospitality.  I think it is a good place to discuss the Daily Routine, Goals and Budget Plan.  It also with start with a basic journal entry.

A Skald’s Life – Self – In each weeks Self Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity.  I think it is a good place to Discuss the Weekly Routine and my Nutritional Plan.  Having one less thing I will probably be looking back at the week as a whole in the basic journal entry which usually takes longer.

The last tool is my notebook which basically has check lists for the Routines and copies of the Virtues, Principles, Goals, Bucket Lists and Plans.  I keep these in front of me every day in the Morning Routine.  These Journal Entries are about marking progress.

Depression Triggers:

I know is might be strange to switch to this topic but The Rabyd Skald Posts are about what doesn’t fit into the other posts that are more standardized.  I would also say the reason I am doing all the Virtues, Goals, etc. is that it is my way of constantly combating my depression and keeping the things that trigger it at bay.  So perhaps is does fit as the overall goal of keeping myself walking through The Grey and still accomplishing what I need to accomplish – It is truly about being The Grey Wayfarer in that sense.

My depression is not as severe as many others.  I can function in the middle of it. It just makes me get moody and difficult to deal with at times.  It basically makes me feel either slightly sad or nothing.  That is I have this feeling that everything is either a waste of time and it makes me sad or I feel nothing at all.  It’s the nothing that bothers me more than the sadness.

I have spent the last couple months really trying to identify things that trigger it.  I am pretty sure I have discovered some of them.  I am not sure how to combat some of these as there is no way to not discuss some of them or avoid some of them.  In fact I am not sure if the way to deal with these triggers is to avoid them at all or actually discuss them.  It’s at times like these I miss The Rabyd Microphone, because I wouldn’t be hesitating about talking about things.  These days I have others to think about, so I play things close to the vest a little more and discuss them with my wife and our marriage counselor more.

My Depression Triggers:

  1. Anger – After I calm down it turns to The Grey.  The real problem is after this summer I have much more to get angry about, so it comes up more often.
  2. Talking about certain people – I lost a lot of friends but to be honest when you make a serious mistake and friends abandon you, then you at least find out who your real friends were.  The one’s that just left or took off, yeah, fuck ’em. Less baggage now. That’s not the issue.  It’s the people who didn’t just abandon you, they stabbed you as they left.  They took advantage of your vulnerability or openness to them and they left you when you needed them most or even worse betrayed you.  Yeah, those people make me angry or sad and then The Grey follows.
  3. When I don’t feel a love connection.  I know it sounds stupid or maybe sappy but love connections fight my depression. They have to be maintained so my wife and I cuddle and talk a lot whenever possible. I make a point of it; to keep it going so when The Grey comes it helps me get over it quicker.  It could be said though that if I haven’t maintained my love connections, The Grey comes more often when I am alone.  I am alone a lot as an introvert,  People drain my energy over time and I need a recharge by getting alone. But there is a great deal of difference in being alone and feeling lonely.

The past is a relentless bastard even though it cannot be changed.  It still takes a toll on you if you let it.  I have found the only real way to combat it is look to the future to be better. To keep walking.  Hopefully from time to time you stand in the sunlight.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!