Perseverance

“Notes on Exercise and Nutrition” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

One thing that needs to be done here is to make some notes on possible changes to nutrition and exercise.

As I head into the next quarter weightlifting changes from a more bodybuilding style to the more fat burning style of endurance lifting.  That is high reps, low weight, and only a couple sets.  The last set of the two done to failure. This is designed to make the muscle burn a little hotter and with the heat and dietary changes, I am hoping to lean out a little in this July – September quarter.

Nutritionally, it is probably time to carb cut a little more and be more conscious of the few things I need to do.  One is to switch to more water to drink than other things. Paleo doesn’t allow for much more than water and fruit juice but fruit juice is diabetically a bad idea.  It’s probably time for a cleaning time of water only and I need to get on that.

It is good to stretch every morning.  It is one of those real alone moments where my head clears.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To Be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

The goal is to be fully Paleo by next year’s March.  Every quarter I need to take steps toward that.  This quarter I need to focus on learning more things I can do as far as recipes to cook and I need to drop drinks that are not Paleo.

My idea for my rebellious act will be to take a mini three-day vacation with April 1st in the middle of it.  Once again the idea is to do something that society at large might frown on but isn’t illegal.  There is the goal of not getting in trouble with the law as well.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

The weightlifting and stretching are going well, the hiking needs to be a little more difficult.  Backpack with some weight should do it when I am doing my Rest Day walks.

My tattoo has only one obstacle and that is funding.  I save money every paycheck.  Thing is I don’t know how much it will cost but I  know I would rather spend money and get something good than be cheap.  So I might be saving for a bit.  I do have a concept of what I want and I am hoping the tattoo artist will have some ideas as well.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The only thing left is the genetics and ancestry thing and that will definitely take flight with a better job. Once I know where I am from, exploring family history will be a lot easier. It has also become a spiritual pilgrimage type thing for me.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I am always changing things to reflect my changing understanding of the world and how I do things. There are two ways to approach change.  Resist it or use it as a tool to better yourself. I choose the later.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

This is pretty good.  I enjoy it much more and it doesn’t take long to do.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Deadly Grey Storm” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 13

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Hmm.  Lucky 13?

I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one.  I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further.  My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has.  I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty.  I really lie to myself when it’s private.

I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days.  A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche.  It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.

The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again?  Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?

There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this?  Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again?  A real pain in my soul.  Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things.  ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.

The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too.  The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me?  Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad.  Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable.  Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.

Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again.  My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them.  So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected.  Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?

Religion was no help before and it still isn’t.  Worthless is my old faith.  No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore.  I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.

Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:

  1. Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others.  One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself.  It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
  2. Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship.  The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult.  But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
  3. Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
  4. Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself.  Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away.  It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
  5. Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why.  What is the point?
  6. Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?

Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.

The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it.  I know something will take me out in the end.  I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain.  Not today bitch.

It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate.  Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.

If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer.  I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that.  I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so.  Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there.  My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.

Well time to end this for now.  I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Self Vision – Like Thor” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

If there is a struggle with Self in my life it is the ability to consider myself first.  In truth the only thing you have all the time to achieve anything is you. Relationships, money, possessions all come and go.  The one thing you have will you all the time is yourself. For the characters, of Norse Mythology Thor emulates this the best.  Yes, he has his hammer and his great strength, and he is a god. But none of that matters without the supreme belief in himself that he takes into every single situation.  It is a self-confidence born of internal fire that burns that gives Thor the immortal quality that has made him the favorite god of the common warrior.

I resonate more with Odin, but Thor’s story teaches us the values of staying focused (discipline), the refusal to accept defeat (perseverance) and being loyal to those who have shown loyalty to him (fidelity).

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To Be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Thor in battle is a focused man driven by one desire – honorable victory.  Now he is a god that had a lot of natural ability as a warrior but even he indicates the need for skill in battle, to the Vikings of that day, where they knew to be like Thor in battle took disciplined practice. For me, it is the daily discipline and the continued desire to be successful that I want to emulate here.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Thor fights a lot of battles and he doesn’t always win or be perceived to have won at first. The only battle in the mythology where he doesn’t get up and try again is the last one where he defeats the Midgard Serpent but loses his own life as well. That is the goal of every warrior to win the last battle no matter what it is.  Thor’s story teaches that.

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Thor travels a lot with Loki and despite the fact that Loki is a trickster god who often gets Thor into trouble, he stays loyal to him. He knows that even Loki gets him out of jams sometimes. For me, this is a valuable lesson in not judging a persons’ other character as much as I judge their loyalty to me and then give that same loyalty back.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Thor is not equated as the wisest character in some regards. His temper often gets him into trouble.  Yet, within his story arc is this person who stays loyal and fights with both skill and never-ending determination. Wise characteristics I want to have as part of my life.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

I can see these rest days as being far more valuable now to me. They defiantly help me more than the other way I used to do things.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Changes for July-Sept 2019 (Part 3)” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Change does not dwell in the realm of comfort zones and nothing more reflects that than the Self Virtues. In Discipline, I push myself past comfort and into something stronger. In Perseverance, I keep getting up after failure and defeat which always difficult but in the end gives the needed change in life to make it better. Fidelity is not always easy, especially when things are hard but it is the relationships that are strong because of the challenges to them that last.

The big thing in this section is the Rest Day Routine.  It has to be restful so it must have things in it that I enjoy doing and are recharging to me. It also can’t be full from stem to stern with shit so I am busy all day long like the Work Day Routine. I like downtime and time to do other things I find enjoyable and entertaining.  It doesn’t mean these activities will not involve the Disciplines but they will be things I enjoy doing.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To Be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

The goal has been changed to reflect reality and I need to just set monthly subgoals so each month I am getting closer to it. It is important that my diet is tight as I head into winter, where up in the north, we all become more sedentary.  Even if I do move south, I still want it tight. I really need this to be better because I don’t see any other way to lose the last few pounds of fat I want to lose and at the same time maintain my muscles.

The bucket list item is a little bit outside the coming year by one day but the planning and execution of a lot of things are within that year.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Weightlifting is a Work Day Routine item.  Stretching is Morning Routine. Walking is thus a Rest Day Routine item. It is also now the only exception to the three days a week thing. I might simply have only two days off.  Of course, if I am around when the snow flies, I might find myself doing the walk in the gym. This illustrates that items like these are things that are work and rest to me. All forms of exercise are kind of like that for me.

The next item on my bucket list is my first tattoo.  I don’t know if this would constitute an act of rebellion or not, I am however saving money every payday toward it. I am hoping a new and more lucrative job might enable this faster.

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

I look at achieved goals now and I see that every year I will have nine of them and the main goal is to achieve as many of them as possible.  To put that strikethrough through an achieved goal is a great feeling.

The research into my family history is one of those Rest day items I think.  I now realize how important this is to have roots that you know as much about as possible and understand them. It gives life foundation and depth when you consider yourself as the’latest chapter of a long story.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Dividing things into Work and Rest Days is probably the wisest decision I have made in a long time.  I am one of those guys who put the ‘I’ in Introverted of the INFJ personality. It not that I can’t go out and be with people, it is just they drain me and I need a recharge time and Rest Days are going to be just that recharge time I need.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

This leaves a lot of room to do what I want for the rest of the day. The walking part also allows for full-blown two or three-day hikes when I can plan them. There is nothing on this list that I don’t enjoy doing.  The job search thing is now part of the Work Day Routine.  Next week I will be testing and adjusting these as this quarter of the year does not start until the first full week of July. That provides next week with a time of adjustment.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Belated Father’s Day Post” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 12

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

I have been meaning to write this post all week long.  I have had three days off and still was not able to muster the emotional strength to do so.  My father meant a lot to me, words can’t express it, and every Father’s Day I wish he was here so I could say “Happy Father’s Day Dad, I love you.”  After a few moments of that wish, the sadness comes and I realize that I can’t do that because he is gone.

I had my first bought with deep depression after his death.  My first time walking the real Grey and I had the hardest time with it. I was in a depressed state for at least a year and I never really came out of it until I found someone who didn’t judge me for it but actually understood and helped me through it.   That person at the time gave me meaning and purpose again and I was able for the first time to stand and keep walking.

Looking back it wasn’t my faith in Christianity or Jesus that got me through it, just the need for purpose. Reaching deep down and find the reason to keep living when your depressed is hard but the only way to not let it beat you.  That is the key to getting past the depression of losing someone close to you – finding the reason to keep living and going on.  Once I understood this, I have walked the Grey ever since instead of falling victim to it like at that time after my father’s death. I had to do that a lot last year.

I had to take those life lessons and use them a lot last year. I think it created in me my personality that is unique and I had to use one of its strengths last year I didn’t expect. I have found that my personality has this thing called ‘ the door slam’ and it is very real.  When people are no longer part of your life because they have chosen to betray your friendship or walk away from you, you can slam the door in your mind on them and never look back as an INFJ.

One man in particular last year I did this to after I found out he used my trust of him and my love for my congregation and my flame against me to get what he wanted. I literally want nothing to do with him other than to hear that he has been found out for the fraud he is.  I will smile and clap at that moment and move on with lighter steps. But I am moving on without him and I don’t miss him. The door is slammed behind me for him. The only thing I really deal with now is the trust issues are higher because of him.

I can’t do this with people I love deeply.  No matter how bad they hurt me, I can never slam the door on them.  It is always open a crack. It makes me vulnerable to them which in some cases scares that shit out of me.  In other cases, like my father, the vulnerability turns to The Grey. The helpless vulnerable state of being depressed about missing them and not being able to do anything about it. I have been fighting it regarding my father all week long.

I am coming to the hardest part of the summer as memories of last year get really dramatic and my emotional swings from last year were very intense.  This makes memories of them tough and a swirling storm of The Grey I am walking through right now.  I wish it was late August as the memories start to get happier. But I have a couple more months of this to go.  But my father’s wisdom and the lessons I learned from his death and moving on from it are still with me.

Well, this is a father’s day post so allow me a moment of conversation with my departed dad.

“Happy Father’s Day, Dad – wherever you are. I love you and I miss you.  I wish you could be here to see what your grandchildren have become – they are all awesome and your great-grandkids are out of this world.  I feel they have all been robbed by not knowing you better.  I am fairly sure you would have spoiled them with your love by now.

I don’t know if you would be proud of me anymore.  I don’t really care in some ways about that.  I just wish you were here so I could say I love you and get one more of your monster hugs that would crush my chest. I feel that still when Ed, Jr. hugs me.  He is a lot like you. I wish you could have seen him play ball – you would have loved it.  He is becoming a great father like you. Justin is a hard worker like you and has made his own life which would make you proud.  Patience – well that little one year old you used to carry, is all grown up and taking care of your wife.  She lives in the house you used to call your home and now it is hers and I know you would be proud of that. You would be very proud of the woman she has become, I know I am.

I see bits and pieces of you in all of them.  Sparks of your legacy.  I love you and miss you, but every now and then I see you in them and you don’t seem so far away. Even little Otto has your eyes and your happiness. You still live in all of them.  For that, I am thankful to you and the father you were.

I love you, dad. I always will.”

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“April-June 2019 Assessment (Part Three) ” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

At this point, I can say I am Happiest with my self virtues progress. My diet is effective, exercise is solid, and loyalty to the few that have been loyal to me has been solid as far as I can tell.  My problem here is not that things are not making progress it is simply slow.  That said in such things slow progress is not only progress; it is normal. You don’t wake up one day and start lifting and a few hows later are ripped like Arnold.  It takes time and years of dedication to do that.

My main concern at this point is to move things from a weekly list to a daily one and to make a distinction between days off from work from days I do work.  I am trying to make this work with the idea I could change job and location and I still want all my Routines to be able to pick up and move and not miss a beat.

My tools for this remain what I call the self virtues.  Discipline, Perseverance, and Fidelity make this work for me.  Next week the actual changes will start taking place but here is some assessment of where I am right now.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

The goal here has been to be on a Paleo Diet and stick to it for a whole year.  No easy task but necessary. I never really started to see the fat melt until I got the Nutrition thing under control and that is not a just stop at the gym thing.  It is an every time you have an opportunity to eat thing, as it happens far more often. I need to really tighten this up with some new recipes and maybe some things that are more carb free than I am currently using. I need to do some research here.

The rebellious act is on hold but on my mind. 🙂

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

What I need to do here is probably walk on my days off for long distances.  It might be one of the few things I do on a day off but it would be effective this way when I have more time.  Want to start using a backpack with more weight in it too.

My mad money is being saved every paycheck and the next thing on said mad money list is my tattoo.  I know what I want (keeping it a surprise for you all) and I figure when I get about a few more months of savings it will be time to pick an artist and get a consultation.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The only thing left here is the genetic test and travel which requires time and a whole lot more money than I have. But I now have a lot of personal reasons to get my true family origins.  When much of your belief system has respect for ancestors in it, you need to find out who they were.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

With my self-assessment over at this point, the next thing to do is find the wisest path to getting this all done in a more time efficient manner. Wisdom is about balancing everything and getting my daily walk to be one of progress no matter how little progress there is.  At the same time, it is time to start taking bigger steps.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

I am thinking Latin and Writing will go Daily.  job Search will too but only until I find one then it can drop off the list but I need to get more serious about that.  I need a change soon as I am restless about a lot of things.  More on that later today in The Grey and The Wayfarer coming up.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Marriage Balance” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I mentioned on Wooden’s Day that the struggle for me and my wife is marriage balance.  if you love someone you want them to be happy and the best way for you to let them achieve that is let them be themselves.  On the flip side, you got married to that person because there are things you expected from the marriage as far as what the marriage does for you.  What you expected the other person to do for you that would help you pursue that happiness.

For me, there is a lot of freedom I expect to be given to me and I work very hard to give a lot to my wife. At the same time, I know she expects some things from me and I from her. We wouldn’t have gotten married if there wasn’t something we were expecting for ourselves from that marriage that in some way contributed to our well being. We at least at the bare minimum expect our spouses to love and respect us.

my struggle is not to lose what I want to compromise to make my wife happy.  I know that sounds counter to what I just said but the problem is if you are miserable as a consequence of making the other person happy, then that is not right.  This is the problem because freedom and expectations need to be such that both people are achieving happiness.  That the other person’s happiness affects your own.

I spent three very long years doing stuff to make my wife happy which at the same time made me miserable so my struggle is not to repeat that. I don’t want to lose what I want out of life and my marriage to make her happy at my expense.  She loves me, so it should mean she doesn’t want that either. It is definitely one of those tricky things for us.

It is where the virtues of discipline, perseverance, and fidelity help.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Now I am not talking BDSM here with marriage and discipline. 🙂 I am talking about the regualar expression of love, affection, and renewal of the relationship that needs to take place on a daily basis.  If your spouse is the number one person in your life, then one of your number one priorities should be to express that every day somehow.  On your list of things to do this should be right up there as the number one relationship discipline of your life.

With my wife and me, this involves a few things.  For my part, I make sure to send her a text saying I love you every day.  I do this in person every day as well.  Now we have the possibility of us being separated for whatever reason which means a face to face phone call that day instead.  Every day we are together we also have cuddle and communication time which is mandatory for at least ten minutes. I know my wife asks me how I am doing most days because she knows I walk the Grey known as depression so she asks from time to time and really means it.  I do my best to answer absolutely as honestly as I can.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Marriages fail when all sides give up.  My wife never gave up once we split-up. She was getting close to it as we got closer to divorce but she never caved. Her failure was pretty much giving up on thinking she needed to still work at our relationship.  Part of perseverance is not taking things for granted including your marriage is strong.  Sometimes it just isn’t strong and you need to work on that.  Never assume that just because you have been together for a while that you or your spouse are in a good place.

In our case, the relationship was falling apart for years before my affair.  If it hadn’t been nothing would have happened because the strength of it would have protected it.  It was a weak marriage because both of us were dissatisfied with the other person.  Respect and expressions of love were very minimal. For me, this coupled with my personality type which is the kind that expects a lot out of relationships and needs a small amount of very close relationships and at least one intimate one to function, I was very lonely.  The rest is pretty much the anatomy of the typical good guy who has an affair.

Even after all that both my wife and I still decided to give it one more try and make the necessary changes. We got up after failure and kept going.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The balance problem in our marriage is one of respecting the individual loyalty she and I should have for ourselves and what each of us wants as individuals; and at the same time, there is our relationship that requires compromise on that to maintain loyalty to the marriage itself. It is a balancing act where sometimes we give up something we want and other times, we give the other person the freedom to do what they want to do.   The real challenge is when what we want involves the other person.  Still a work in progress on this one as we are both trying to figure out a lot of things.

One note I need to make here is the mini-vacation was achieved. It was nice although every time we take one of these things, other issues get revealed that require thought and action.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Wisdom in marriage is a collective thing and each side needs to listen to the other.  Sometimes you are the one with the wise words, sometimes it’s your spouse. Balance is key the most in this regard. What I do know is that following the Nine Noble Virtues on my side has lead to some good things in my marriage.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

Next week I will be working on moving these things as much as possible to the daily list.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Always Strong” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I am drawing this week to a close with Being stronger.  I am defining strong in its broadest possible sense in that I am not just talking physical strength, but mental, emotional and societal. One I have learned is stronger is stronger regardless of where it is or what kind it is. For me, this last year since leaving the ministry has been about finding new strength for life and I have found that in Discipline, Perseverance, and Fidelity there are great strengths to be found and developed.

The real issue is to always be strong and always be able to handle what life throws at you.  Sometimes you do shit to yourself and then you have to deal with that with the other strengths you have. I have learned a lot through failure.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

I could be even more fully Paleo Diet.  I have pretty much been doing pretty well here as my cheat meals and having a carb limit helps a lot but in truth, I could go full paleo this summer as well. I am going to read my book with the recipes again and see what I can come up with.  My wife gets tired of the same old things but there are some different things I could do that might be good for both of us. I really need to take a cooking class someday.

My rebellious act is in the planning stages and I have some time so…

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

My program could use a little more walking but the lifting and stretching are spot-on.  No worries here.

My tattoos are coming.  Right now I have been saving for my mini vacation with the wife but if I come back when any left over it will be the seed money for my next thing which is my tattoo(s).  Once I have enough for the first one I will be going for it.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The mini-vacation coming up Saturday through Tuesday will mean this goal will be crossed off by next week. After my tattoos, my genetic test is on the list.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I have gained l lot of wisdom this last year.  I can thank a lot of things for that.  For myself my simple refusal to quit or go down helps.  But also there have been some true relationships as well.  The simple act of doing things to keep improving myself is also a great way to just keep going.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

The more I think about it the more I can work things on this list to the daily list the better. I just need to figure it out. I really also need one day or two to just say – this is my day I do what I want. I am thinking that days I work are actually more productive with the other things it is just a matter of how much time things take.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 2

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Thoughts on Health” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I have been thinking a lot about health these days as I have hit some milestones regarding health.  1) I just passed my third anniversary of being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and 2) I stepped on a scale at the gym and for the first time in roughly a decade, I fell below 282 lbs to 281 lbs. The first of these was a wake-up call as far as nutrition was concerned as I had relied heavily on exercise to keep my weight under control and it was not working as well as before.  The second is representative of losing 67 lbs. in the last year and watching my sugar scores drop accordingly.

I have to say the first thing I had to chuck was the traditional government recommended nutritional guidelines because after doing them for roughly a year, I was getting nowhere. So headed a different direction by basically dumping the idea that regular interval carbs were going to help me.  In fact, I felt it was kind of weird that the answer to having an insulin resistant body was to give it more work to do.  I found there were some doctors who agreed with me and the video below is one of them who did a TED talk. I share this for anyone struggling with diabetes, you may have to do what your doctor and nutritionist says is wrong but actually works.

So I went Paleo for the most part.  I have my cheats so I can enjoy some of the things I love to eat from time to time but it is for the most part severely limited to a couple times a week.  The results speak for themselves. That said healthy living is more than about living better and hopefully longer. I find what I have to do to get there each day is a direct reflection of my Self Virtues of Discipline, Perseverance, and Fidelity.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Nutrition is the main focus of health when it comes to discipline.  The discipline of going to the gym when I can and walking are both almost automatic for me.  The real struggle and the real key to long term and lifetime results are watching with discipline every single day what you are putting into your body.  It really has stretched my notion of discipline being applied to specifics such as exercise and events with a time limit.  I now extend the idea to the overall lifestyle which is much more important.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

In weightlifting, we talk a lot about pushing to failure. It is intentionally taking that last set until you can’t do another rep.  It is intentionally failing so that you can get results through perseverance. It has changed my perspective about failure as a tool for getting better results. To intentional push things until you can’t do anymore – you fail.  Then the next time you do that same thing you often find you can go a little further, lift a little heavier, etc. Probably a mindset that is applicable to more than weightlifting.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

In all of my health pursuits, I find that this is where I feel the most loyal to myself. I am not doing healthy things for anyone else.  I won’t say no one else benefits but the bottom line, the person who most directly benefits from me eating right and exercising is me. There is no feeling like being healthy and that is totally directed at me.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

The wisdom of all this extends far beyond all the health results that will allow me to live long enough and healthy enough to dance with all my granddaughters at their weddings (the oldest of them is five and the youngest is one).  It goes far more into a spiritual vein as well as all the things I do are leading to me the wise paths of discipline, perseverance, and fidelity.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

I really want a full week of routine this coming week.  I need to prove this is practical and not a time consuming or realize things need to be changed so they are both practical and not time-consuming.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 2

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Last Sermon” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 11

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

One year ago today (May 27th, 2018), I preached my last sermon as a Christian pastor. When people ask me how I am doing, I am doing as well as can be expected, given the time of year and the memories involved with it. Part of that is leaving the identity behind of ‘pastor’.  This week is dotted with a lot of emotions, but leaving the ministry behind for good was bittersweet and it speaks to me of waste.  The thought that I have wasted 20 years of my life crosses my mind a lot.

My last sermon couldn’t have been more ironic. I was in an affair preaching on adultery from the ten commandments. My basic message was that if Jesus’ words on adultery were the facts, then we have all failed and we just need to cling to grace because that is all we got. No one is going to make it if the standard is not lusting.  No one could meet that standard.

Emotionally this was my most difficult sermon ever. I just wanted the service to end and go home. Neither my flame at the time or my wife was there and I felt alone and just sick of being a pastor and all of it. I went home, the woman I was having an affair with told her aunt about it.  I told my wife and the rest is a painful history.

I wouldn’t have minded so much but when it came to my last church, the message of grace seemed completely lost, even though I had been preaching it for nine and a half years to them. Lots of wasted words from my point of view. The man I entrusted my resignation to engaged in a plan to basically make things to be much worse than they really were.

For the record once again, I have never actually had sex with the woman I had an affair with, in fact ever.  At the time of my resignation, it had barely graduated beyond “I love you” and holding hands at a prayer meeting that looked normal to everyone else.  People made this to be much more than it was and that hurt too.  Because the man in charge let it happen on purpose. He told me he didn’t want gossip to spread through the church which is very sensible. He also told me he didn’t want to drag the woman into it either to protect her, something that was my concern as well. But once he had my resignation I had revised removing that confession line at his request, he called the woman up within probably minutes of me giving it to him and asked her permission to tell the story.

In the week’s that followed he did everything possible to make sure that gossip and rumor were exactly what happened. He deliberately dragged the woman into it (made possible by the fact we had broken up at the time and we were not talking to each other)  to do this and used her to get to me. I looked like I was hiding something, which I wasn’t. He looked like the hero so he could feed that ego and hero complex of his. He used it in the following weeks to paint a picture of me as a monster, the woman as a victim and him as the white knight that was here to bring the monster down. What a load of bullshit he piled up. All of it. 

In the end, he used the emotional hurt and anger of the congregation to get me fired and no severance given. I was never informed of anything that was going on officially until it was all over. The whole process was done without me being asked to speak on my own behalf one time.  ‘Grace’ and ‘Mercy’ at their finest.  That’s sarcasm if you can’t tell.  Bitter Sarcasm.   

I have forgiven the congregation for this.  They were misinformed and misled by a man who has to be in control of everything because he is personally insecure. People like him are in every church and the real cause of problems and why churches don’t succeed and have the reputations they have.  I have even forgiven the woman’s busybody aunt who did the most to engage in gossip. She was just acting in anger and hurt and I very much understand it.  She actually had good reasons to act the way she did, even if her actions were not very Christian.  Whatever that means. 

But the man himself – if there is any force of justice in the world I hope he has to experience the betrayal, manipulation, lies, theft of honor, and all the rest of it that he visited on me himself.  That karma visits on him the exact same thing he did to me. If nothing else I hope he lives a long and miserable life surrounded by no one at the end of it. That would be an end which he deserves because of his very utilitarian view of friendship. His friends no longer seeing him as useful so they simply don’t show up to help or comfort him. That would be truly fitting. 

As far as me and The Grey, this ‘one year ago thing’ is bothering me but I am moving through it. I refuse to go down to this storm.  I want to walk through it laughing at it. Mostly though, I just want a new sense of identity beyond the pastoral ministry thing.  It’s garbage to me now. An old cloak I have discarded. The white hat, the cross, and white cloak no longer suit me.  I prefer grey vestments and vulknut medallion now.

Mostly, my wife and I are trying to build some new memories. I worry about her as she has to get used to a man who is in many ways, not the same as he was. A man who is damaged in some ways, trying to heal as well.  Who will never completely heal and will no longer be what he was.  I want her to be happy because my own happiness depends on it.  I just don’t know about my side of it a lot.

The last sermon I preached in the church was ironic but also fitting.  The whole thing of pastoral ministry is adultery in my opinion now.  A pastor’s church is a mistress.  One that takes a lot and gives back very little and much like a real mistress drives a wedge between you and those you love as a pastor. A smart man gets out a lot sooner than I did.

I walk The Grey right now.  It is this time of year last year where every day has some significant event and memory that makes it difficult.  It probably won’t stop until the summer is over. I am just trying to live my life and living it in joy as much as possible.  If it wasn’t for the guilt and pain I have associated with these memories of last year, it would be easier.  The thing is I have come to accept that this walk is my path, but I can’t control the weather. I wish I could.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!