The Pagan Pulpit – Education Isn’t About Convincing People

December 16, 2018December 16, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “Walk” – Pantera Cover by Breaking Benjamin with Disturb’s David as Lead Vocalist:

Found this gem of a cover song while researching another song. Love it.

Poem: “The Time You Spent” by Joanna Fuchs

Just a little poem in honor of my graduation.

Meditation:

Song of Preparation: “Hammer to Fall” – Queen – Live:

Text: Education isn’t About Convincing People – Eben Pagan:

You can’t convince anyone of anything. You can only give them the right information so that they can convince themselves.

Sermon:

A quote from someone named Pagan.

I wish I could say I have convinced people of something different from what they already believed. Belief is unfortunately a powerful force that keeps us from change at times. It is without a doubt easier to give information to people and then let them stew on it and let them learn based on what you have given them.

I don’t if at the heart of it all is education. Whether formal or informal, we learn and we try to pass it on. But people have to convince themselves or they will not really change.

I know for me the whole faith question was one of listening to the other side, but it was my own examination of my former education that I discovered holes and flaws. I began to inform myself and study the critics of my faith and discovered that some criticism was legitimate. Painfully legitimate.

So, I found myself with a new conclusion, one I came up with myself. That we ultimately choose our religion and faith based on who we are, not on the truth. We embrace the faith we want to because we want to embrace it. We simply learn and change ourselves because of what we learn. Don’t expect others to be any different from you in this regard. Just give the information you know and then let them figure it out, or not themselves.

Closing Song: “Somebody to Love” – Queen:

Because it is Queen.

Parting Thought:

Nope, you at times have to educate yourself.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – Doubt but Not Denial

December 9, 2018December 9, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day:

Announcements:

Opening Song: Eminem – Not Afraid

With Eminem for me it really depends on the song whether I like him or not. I like this one because it is very much a comeback song and I need a comeback song. In any case, the song has its musical moments that I like.

Poem:

Solitude – Lord Byron

To sit on rocks, to muse o’er flood and fell,
To slowly trace the forest’s shady scene,
Where things that own not man’s dominion dwell,
And mortal foot hath ne’er or rarely been;
To climb the trackless mountain all unseen,
With the wild flock that never needs a fold;
Alone o’er steeps and foaming falls to lean;
This is not solitude, ’tis but to hold
Converse with Nature’s charms, and view her stores unrolled.

But midst the crowd, the hurry, the shock of men,
To hear, to see, to feel and to possess,
And roam alone, the world’s tired denizen,
With none who bless us, none whom we can bless;
Minions of splendor shrinking from distress!
None that, with kindred consciousness endued,
If we were not, would seem to smile the less
Of all the flattered, followed, sought and sued;
This is to be alone; this, this is solitude!

It wouldn’t be fitting not to have Lord Byron Poem when I am also quoting him for my text this week. Solitude is something I am acquainted with and something at times I desire. He hints at what it means to be alone and it is not solitude with nature but to be among our fellow-men and not feeling anything. Without connection to something we feel alone, even in a crowd. Boy do I get that.

Meditation:

Song of Preparation: Disturbed – Prayer

Don’t normally pray, but this isn’t really a prayer but a reflection on loss and doubt in God. I understand this better now more than ever.

Text:

There is something pagan in me that I cannot shake off. In short, I deny nothing but doubt everything.

Sermon:

I find that the hardest thing personally to grasp at times is my turn from Christianity. Not because I don’t think it was right decision or wasn’t in the end reasonable but the constant reminders this time of year of a holiday I no longer celebrate the Christian side of. I got my oil changed and the guy asked me if it was OK to wish me a ‘Merry Christmas’ instead of ‘Happy Holidays’. Do what you want to do. I am not offended. It does however remind me of something that I no longer hold sacred. It’s not about the Mass to Christ anymore to me. It’s about family and Yule.

I, like Lord Byron, have always had a bit of the pagan in me. I have enjoyed this quote by Byron for long time because it makes sense to me. This tug of war between the side of me that wants to place my faith fully in something and be open to all possibilities and the other side of me who is the hardened skeptic that doubts everything. It however is a tension I have come to think is beneficial. What I want “to believe in is the world the promised it would be, not the tawdry, fouled-up mess it is.”

I suspect this pagan part of me will always be there and I don’t regret that because it means I will hopefully find a way to walk this world that enjoys the wonders of it and yet, seeks the truth of it. No matter how ugly the reality may be I remain both hopeful and a skeptic.

Closing Song: Skyrim – The Song of the Dragonborn

Yeah, I know it is a song about a fictional character for a video game – The Dragonborn. Except the song is epic and the lyrics with the singers are also epic. A good way to build up our courage for the week ahead.

Parting Thought:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – New Identity

December 7, 2018December 7, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I am writing this a couple of days early to clear my weekend schedule for both school and I promised that I would give you a double dose of fiction this Saturn’s Day. I am not sure of the Pagan Pulpit on Sun’s Day. That will greatly depend on how things go this week and the early weekend. My perception of this week is that it has been a busy one but what I want to talk about at this point is how my identity is changing into something else.

For about two decades I have been a pastor and Christian theologian. None of that is true anymore, that identity for all practical purposes is a dead one. I mean my Master’s Degree in Theology is still there as well as my Bachelor’s in Biblical Studies/Ministry, so I could pass myself still as a theologian, but not a believing one. I suppose from a certain point of view that makes me a dangerous critic of Christian doctrine and theology because I can’t be accused of being ignorant of what Christians believe. Not that I want to be such a critic; as in truth, I would rather start focusing my time on things that are more personally productive. I would rather focus on developing a new identity.

My problem is I feel very much like I am back in college making that decision for the first time. There are differences as I know I am probably more experienced than I was thirty years ago, as well as ‘wiser’, whatever that means. My issue is what am I now? I know somethings that have not changed – I am still a husband, father and grandfather. I am still a good friend. I just don’t know what else I am right now. Options:

Professor – This would mean a master’s degree in economics probably and then Ph. D work. The issue I have with this one is continued financial aid and debt. I then would have a long-term career possible, if I made tenure so I could retire when I wanted to retire. I guess this one is on the top of the list because I have been told I am a good teacher and so that is the issue here in that it would fit me well and past experience in public speaking and teaching would not be wasted.

Business – This is an option because the pull of money is on me fairly strong as I need to make a bunch money in order to make sure retirement is even possible. I could get an MBA at Ferris as the have a completely online one as well. Corporate ladder or start my own business? There are options here that are very flexible. I know people from long experience, so that would be an asset as well.

Lawyer – Like it or not, my Political Science Degree is also preparation for a legal career. There are plenty of law schools in Michigan, so there is that. I can’t put it off the list because with my own practice I can’t be fired either. I really do need a career path where I am in the driver seat as far as employment.

Writer – I have already had one career that starved me on occasion, so being a writer has purely emotional appeal, not a financial one. It has risks. I would have to have another job until it could pay for things. It also has the advantage of being non-ending. I could do it in retirement for that matter. Right up until they put me on my viking ship to burn as it sails out to sea. I am the Rabyd Skald after all.

I just don’t know which of these could be my identity or even a combination might be in order. I just don’t know. It has to fit me to be an identity and that is the challenge for me right now – finding what fits. The one thing I know does not fit anymore is ministry.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Once school is done I will have to do a reassessment of the areas in my life where discipline might be need. Right now it is just obvious what needs discipline. The real problem right now for me is my old gym is closed and I need a new one and that means I will probably not be able to lift for a bit while I find a new one.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Defeat and failure are something I try to avoid but my attitude about them is far more positive which is to say – once you have failed you can’t go back and fix it. You can only move on by getting back up and moving forward. I think this is something I may need to remember soon as I am struggling very much in one class and I don’t know how it is going to come out.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

I haven’t really thought about fidelity much this week as I have not had much time to be anything but loyal myself. I guess the only struggle I still have is what to do if I ever cross paths again with certain people. I simply do not know how I will react.

Weekly Routine:

Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
Cleaning – 3 days a week.
Walking – 4 days a week

I miss weightlifting this week but I am using the extra time for homework. Cleaning and walking were on target, so that was good. I do need to find an alternative walk site starting next week.

Nutrition:

I need to define a couple of things. A Cheat Meal for me is basically a period of time (a half hour to an hour) where I can eat pretty much any food and drink any beverage without counting it toward carb count for the day. A Carb Count is a single serving of carbs outside a cheat meal and during the day, Right now with five Cheat Meals and a Carb Count of five a day, I have a lot of room. As the weeks go by however this is not going to remain the case. By the last month things will be very tight. I need to remember those pictures are coming on my 50th birthday.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – All good here, I guess I am simply just putting my head down and trying to finish the year out as best I can. When 2018 hits the rear view mirror, I will probably let out a cheer.

Business – I am really looking forward to the job search and finding this new identity for myself. My real issue is surviving it financially until then. Thankfully these virtues are not a problem for me for the most part so I keep doing what I need to do.

Self – Right now staying disciplined is tiring but I know it will be worth it. Fidelity and Perseverance are now more central so I worry less about them right now anyway.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – No Service Today

December 2, 2018December 2, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Sorry today there will be so service. The problem is time and my mind is needed elsewhere at the moment. Once classes are done I will be back at it next week.

As an aside, while i was in the ministry i would often fantasize about what it would be like to just skip as service. Just do what everyone else did when they didn’t feel like going to church – stay home and not go. So happy skip day.

Just consider it an inclement weather day for yourselves.

As for inspiration, George Carlin for you today:

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – My Comeback

November 26, 2018November 26, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

Journal Entry:

This week and next are going to be hell. I have school to finish and there is a lot of work to do. I also have to work a job and a marriage to maintain. I also have to get enough sleep to function, so this means Discipline, Industriousness and Courage all in play. Here we go.

I want to take time out to take a breath as I dive in headfirst and look to the future. You have to see the finish line and the purpose of why you are doing what you are doing. That provides motivation and I need motivation.

The above meme really does encapsulate my life so far. These last few years have been rough ones and I really need to make 2019 my comeback year.

2016 – It did change me. I learned who was really in charge of my church and no one was going to do anything to help me change it. My crisis of faith started, I took a sabbatical that year to think things over. My course changed then.

2017 – Yeah, it did break me. I began to think of my marriage and ministry as a sham. A good friend died that summer and several things changed. I became painfully aware of a deep loneliness and depression. This was my state at the end of the year when a woman started to enter my life, but I really didn’t have feelings that were inappropriate for her until the next year. I was just thankful at that time for a new and growing friendship.

2018 – This has been a year of opening my eyes. I discovered how false many of the friends, particularly in church, I had were. In February, my organist died and this affected me deeply because at that point all the old I had started with was gone. The real problem was only one person was really listening to me and helping me through it. This lead to an emotional affair, my trying to resign over it but being fired instead, a near divorce, the loss of a close ‘friend’ who turned out to not be a friend. An emotionally up and down summer with a breakup, a marriage reconciliation, moving and a new job all while continuing school. The scales have definitely fallen off my eyes and like the Phoenix, I am rising from the ashes of 2018 as an awake and very different person. I feel true to myself at last and, as I wrote yesterday, ‘The Fire of Fury’ burns in my bones and I am ready for what is next.

2019? – I need this to be a comeback year, a new career direction, a stronger marriage and renewed prosperity. I am determined to make it happen.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

I am suspecting that after these next three weeks are over and things are at last done for the majority of my school work. I will feel like more honor is restored at that point. I will feel that things will be better at least from a self-worth standpoint. I will have achieved something I set out to accomplish. Then it will be a simple matter of finding a way to use the education to better myself further.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

There is a lot to act on and I cannot hesitate at this point. I have a lot to do and nothing can distract me either so I need to stay focused and go forward. The fear to overcome is that I won’t finish everything. I need to bury that and just start eating the last elephant, one bite at a time.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

The truth is that I need to continue to be truthful with myself. It is what has kept me making good decisions for a bit now. This truth thing leads to a lot better path, but one that is often more difficult. It is however the difficulty of the truth that makes us struggle more and thus get stronger.

Morning Routine:

Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
Review Goals
Review Bucket List
Full Body Stretch
Meditate on One of the Virtues
Breakfast
Supplements and Medicines
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day

I have to say this morning routine is the most successful one I have ever done. I actually look forward to it every morning.

Bucket List:

Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
Get My Tattoos.
Actually Get Drunk.
Smoke a Joint.
Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Write My Novel.
Learn Latin.
Learn Hungarian.
Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.
Start my own business

So by July 1st, 2019 I need to cross one of these off. We will see if its learning one of the languages, the novel or getting a tattoo or two. Those are my best bets at this point.

Weightlifting:

I am going to visit all the gyms in the town where I work very soon. My membership at my current gym expires in a few weeks. It also looks like it will be shutting down for good anyway. There are three options based on a preliminary look, so I will be looking at all of them probably during exam week as I won’t have an incredible amount to do. By the time exams are over, I will have to make this decision. I really hate to leave my current gym. It was a love at first sight thing and I will miss it.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – That Which No Longer Serves Me

November 25, 2018November 25, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day:

Announcements:

Opening Song: Shinedown – Monsters:

I suppose there is a progression to the music today. The start of it is an understanding that the monsters that live in all of us are very real. I love the chorus of this song:

‘Cause my monsters are real, and they’re trained how to kill
And there’s no comin’ back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they’ll never say die
And there’s no goin’ back, if I get trapped I’ll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real

The emotions that are the monsters, as our text says, doubt, fear sorrow, confusion and anger. Monsters that sleep but can be awakened at any moment with disastrous consequences. Other people may fool people and hurt everyone with their lies and falsehoods, but the real danger is the monsters lurking within us all.

Poem: “The Fire of Fury” by Ed Raby, Sr.

“The Fire of Fury”

A flame burns within me

It is one that I cannot see

It is fueled by my fury.

My motivation,

My anger,

My salvation,

My destruction

My enlightenment

Fire, Light, Anger, Illumination

The Fire of Fury will light my way

Or it will consume me

Ed Raby, Sr. – November 24, 2018

I had the title of his poem for quite some time and a feeling of what I wanted to express. I used it for the subtitle of my Rogue Wizard series at its current state but it kept being the title for a poem too. As I was preparing the Pagan Pulpit for this week, the words began to form. Poets understand what I mean. I think it speaks for itself.

Meditation:

Song of Preparation: Disturbed – Indestructible:

It is no secret I like Disturbed. I plan on sitting back after school is over and listening to every one of their albums and songs. I just haven’t had the time to give listening to music the proper time it deserves and this is one band I want to some attention to in-depth. The progression of today’s songs continues with learning to take the negativity and toxicity of certain emotions and transforming them into that which makes us indestructible.

Text:

“Release all that no longer serves you: “I cast away all doubts, fears, sorrows, confusions, anger to the wind. I release any toxicity that weakens my spirit.” – The White Witch Parlour

Sermon:

Yeah, I am using a quote from a white witch site. That said when I was a Pentecostal, I swear I heard this same quote from the more Charismatic Movement oriented believers. It’s amazing how mysticism can change the form it has, but the words and concepts are simply the same.

There is something to be said for the idea of releasing that which no longer serves us when it comes to emotions. Emotions are raw material. Parts of them are useful and other parts are chaff that needs to be given to the wind. The real challenge of dealing with these emotions is learning how to harvest them. Learning what needs to be released as toxic and unproductive while keeping the parts of them that lead to constructive and healthy action.

The most pronounced example of this I can think of is something that happened this week to me. I wrote on Tuesday a post: The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions. The process of working through the three issues presented in that post was refining moment for me. I was working through the emotions and found that I changed in my feelings toward all these situations. The toxic elements of the emotions are less and the good parts that motivate and bring positive change are now more present. I know what to do about all of them and I am more at peace about that.

The quote today is a personal one that perhaps we all need to say from time to time. Doubt can lead to inquiry into truth. Fear can lead to courage. Sorrow to joy. Confusion to enlightenment. Anger to Motivation. Once you have let go of the toxic part of these emotions, the positive constructive elements are what makes you more of who you are and who you need to be.

Closing Song: Halestorm – Amen:

Ultimately its your shit to deal with. Not anyone else’s. And that ultimately is a good thing. Can I get an Amen?

Parting Thought:

Have a great week.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions

November 20, 2018November 23, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Introduction:

I just don’t have time this week to do a proper Of Wolves and Ravens. School is starting to have the potential to kick my ass and I am having to bear down a bit. It’s OK though, because it gives me a chance to do an update on my constant battle with depression aka The Grey. I could just write and say things are cool, but that would be a lie. I would assess myself as functional but struggling.

I never realized how much betrayal would be a depression trigger. The pain of loss of friendship I think does it. We all objectify people from time to time. It’s the main philosophical problem of our age brought to life. We no longer see people as people like ourselves but rather as problems to be moved aside or dealt with. I work hard every day to see people as people. Even more so since I failed at that with my wife in particular. But my greater motivation is now I very much know what it feels like to be treated as an object as well. Once you have been treated that way, you never forget it and you either work hard not to make others feel that way in return or….you fade into The Grey.

As a warning here at this point. What follows is a discussion of the three things I would be talking to my counselor about if I could afford one. Some of these are sensitive in the sense they can invoke strong feelings. Particularly, if you are family in some sense or another either through blood, long association as my friend or even through my church ties some way, this warning is for you to stop reading at this point, unless you feel you can take the sensitive emotions of the issues presented. I am going to try to be as transparent as possible without being hurtful, but I don’t know how people will react all the time, so the warning is for you.

On a practical note, the reason I am doing this is these issues are making it difficult to concentrate on work or school because they are the closure issues I have been mentioning. It should be noted that on all of these, other people have different views of the events and have called me cowardly and a lair for my viewpoint. I can only present things from my perspective and based on my own conversations with others. The problem still remains that others are telling my story and I want to tell it myself to set a more complete account. I don’t care if you believe me. This is me getting things off my heart and mind for my sake.

Old Flame:

I want to say that even with all the strength and love I have gained from restoring my relationship with my wife, I still have residual pain over loving another and the breakup that followed. I don’t think that should be surprising or shocking as you can’t emotionally invest in someone and not have that happen. What I find hard is not walking away from this relationship as any romantic love I had for her is gone, but mostly how it came apart and the reason why it came about. This is one I think I am just going to have to learn to live with and pretty much learn to do it on my own. I have had a hard time hating people for hurting me like this, but I know I can’t trust them and that makes me sad. Mostly I get mad at both of us for taking this relationship too far. Oddly enough, I still miss the friendship and I learned a valuable lesson on boundaries being important.

I think though this is one of those wounds that will get better with time. I also think it will never heal completely. Mostly I have found healing here in turning my attention to my relationship with my wife and building that.

‘Friendship’ Lost:

The second issue is I had a long time friend with my last church. We did a lot of things together and sat next to each other for well over nine years. We were in a small group together for the same length of time. We knew each other very well. Or I thought I did. The one thing I felt I could do with this person was trust them with something important and in this case my resignation.

My plan was to have my resignation read the one Sunday and then come in the next when I wasn’t feeling so emotional distraught and explain things. That never got to happen. This person set me up.

a) They convinced me to remove all references to the reasons I was resigning – I had been involved in an inappropriate relationship. The reasons for removal given to me were not wanting to start gossip in the church and not dragging the girl into all this. I felt the reasons he gave were solid, so I removed the references to the affair, figuring I could go in the church the next week and deal with that issue.

b) I now know the very day that I gave my ‘friend’ my revised resignation, with all references to the affair removed, he called the woman I had been involved with up and asked her permission in using her name for him to tell the story to the church. He did that after reading my resignation. This made it very much look like I was hiding something, and he was being the noble guy telling everyone the truth.

c) On the Monday that followed the story of what happened came to me though my mother and several others who called me. There was even a plan in place already of how the vote would take place in a few weeks to decide things. None of this was ever shared with me during the months that followed in any official capacity. If it hadn’t been for a few members of my flock who disagreed with how things were being handled and kept me informed, I would never have known anything.

d) I texted this person and asked very simply what was going on. That was June 5th, 2018. I still have the text I sent. It has never been responded to. This person has made no effort to contact me since. Ever.

The sad thing is that I would not have handled things this way had the roles been reversed. I would have given him two things he obviously didn’t give me.

Love – I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and certainly would have allowed him to tell his own side of things and not take it upon myself to do that. The story that followed that I heard had definitely been blown up far bigger than it was and had obvious falsehoods. I would have made sure only established facts were told and crushed any rumors that couldn’t be verified.

Time – I would have given him time to think over things. In retrospect what I should have done is taken a week off to think things over and then resigned the following week myself in person. That’s the time factor I am speaking of. I would have given him these two things because that’s what friends do.

I am not sure what bothers me the most, but one thing I wrestle with is whether this truly is a friendship lost or did I really have a friend there to begin with? I am beginning to think I was nothing more to this guy than an object, that when no longer usable to him and his agenda, I was discarded. That pisses me off. The problem is no matter how many times I pay over the scenario, I keep running into the later conclusion. I know forgiveness is a powerful tool in recovery from things like this, but this one I haven’t forgiven yet. At least fully.

I want to make it clear, I am not looking for vengeance and I would never hurt him physically. That is just not me. What is me is being patient and waiting for the wheel of time to keep turning. If someday I get to balance the scales of justice thanks to fate, providence or karma, I will take it without hesitation. The difference will be I will stab him in the chest while looking him in the eye. Metaphorically speaking, not literally – I hope the man lives a long but miserable life.

Now before everyone lectures me about Christian forgiveness, I will remind people I am not longer religious or a Christian. One thing I do feel is that justice should be served. I may be a former adulterer, but I at least tried to confess it to my flock and would have if not for this man’s interference. I know he is a two-faced, backstabbing liar and that is enough for me. I doubt he will ever admit it, so he continues to lie to cover things up. Maybe he lies to himself more than anyone else.

On thing I do think is such a thing should come to an end as he has no honor or sense of fidelity. I just hope I am around to see it; so I can smile as the fall takes place. There is an old proverb – “Meditate on the bank of the river long enough, and you will see the body of your enemy floating by.” Hopefully it is true. If you hear the sound of clapping when it happens, it will be me applauding as the body floats by.

Perhaps you are also saying I am going back on my treating people was people with this one. I would say I am simply following Christianity here seeing he is a Christian. I am treating him like he treated me. That’s apparently how he wants to be treated, because that how he treated me. As a pagan with a pagan sense of justice, I just want to see the scale balanced.

‘Few’ Goodbyes:

Oddly enough this is not the toughest thing. It’s the lack of the ability to say goodbye to my flock that hurts the most sometimes. Despite my struggles with faith and the affair, I still loved and cared for them like a shepherd. Because of how this was handled by my ‘friend’, I knew there would be a lynch mob waiting for me after that if I went back. I have been left with people contacting me and that has been few in number. Each time it has happened though, I have had a measure of healing come into my life.

I don’t really blame them. I know they were misinformed and tricked by someone they trust. It’s why I was fired and denied severance as well. I let a lot of that go and because they were my sheep I loved very much; I forgive them. The treacherous ram in the middle of them? Well, he just showed his true colors. I never should have turned my back to him. Live and learn.

Maybe in a year or so I can go back and say goodbye to those who are still there. By then perhaps people will have different thoughts on the whole thing. I don’t know. My daughter has always joked with me that she was going to throw an over the hill party when I turned 50. I guess the invite list could have a few select people from the church on it if she does. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing some of them again. They are good people and I miss many of them.

Conclusion:

I don’t know if this has done anything but help me get through the fog a little and see clearly my path. You don’t get very far glancing over shoulder or looking back. My whole thing is to identify what is weighing me down and find a way to deal with it. Either to cast it off, change it so it isn’t so heavy or learn how to cope with it. I think writing this out and having it out there has been good for my soul. I need that right now and this has definitely helped as I have written it. It’s good to know your enemy and even better when part of that enemy is yourself.

Once again, my purpose here is not to stir up feelings. If I have, I do apologize. But I have been struggling with this for a little while now. I have talked with my wife about it and that has helped but I needed to clear my head. One thing that has always helped has blogging about stuff.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – Am I Happy?

November 14, 2018November 14, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Journal Entry:

I have heard a lot of comments this week from people who perhaps haven’t seen me in a while. Mostly, I get the comment about how much weight I have lost. I am guessing, because I haven’t stepped on a scale in a while, probably over 50 lbs. The other thing I hear is “you look like you’re happier.”

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that statement. The main reason I did what I did this spring and summer was I was tired of being unhappy and wanted that to change. I identified what I thought was making me unhappy and began to shuck it off and found a few things I thought would make me happy and embraced them. This was a very trying time for me in many ways, but I also discovered that there was a lot of relief. I think lies drain your happiness and when you stop lying to yourself and others, the strain of maintaining them gives a relief.

In the end, I discarded a lot of draining things. In would warn other introverts who want to go into ministry that people drain you and unless you have a true way to recharge yourself, you will get to the point you are no longer happy. I would say a bad marriage drains you. I would say trying to maintain a faith you no longer possess drains you. I was experiencing all those things and now I am not. I am no longer in the ministry so I keep my happiness instead of giving it to others. My marriage I much better and has shifted from being a drain on my happiness to a creator of happiness. It is work, but that is something I am happy to see. I am honest about my lack of faith in Christianity, but I find this actually makes me happier. One axiom from Christianity that I still embrace is ‘the truth will set you free.”

There are still things that I struggle with. I don’t like losing friends but that has happened. One ‘friend’ I now consider a two-faced, backstabbing traitor and that bothers me immensely at times. I personally feel this is going to make me trusting people at that level again very difficult. I feel guilty about some actions in the past. As I said last week, sometimes the wounds and bruises on my heart make me sad at times. There is also the ever-present Grey.

That said I feel I am at a turning point. I am being honest with myself to the point where the wounds of the past both on my self and those I caused cannot be cured by anything but time. Some of them will never fully heal and I can accept that. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Sorry, I can’t base my happiness on being fully healed someday. I can just hope that my soul will be as healthy as it can be at the time. Perhaps that is where my happiness will truly find me. One can only hope.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

This weekend, I think I really began to see why for me working for someone will eventually be no longer be satisfying. Mostly, I never feel self-sufficient in that situation. The bucket list goal of owning my own business is the ultimate goal in this regard. I want something that will make me self-reliant completely and allows me the freedom to do the things I want to do.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

I do enjoy working for work sake. I never thought I would get there but there is something about work that makes a person feel better like they are actually productive. I think I have found that in my job and I am starting to feel it coming when it comes to school work. With only five weeks left in the semester, it’s about time.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

Hospitality requires a measure of prosperity. One thing that kind of stands out but speaks to the state of our prosperity is our living room. I kind of envision a place where I can have my friends over to talk, drink and perhaps even have a support group. A sectional couch to seat a dozen or so and a bar. A reading chair as part of that. Television for me is not part of the equation but my wife would want one and then of course end tables and lamps. Yeah, we have three folding chairs and a television that is small on a broken down stand. I feel we will have started to have some prosperity when our living room reflects it.

Daily Routine:

Communication / Cuddle Time
Blogging
Reading – 1 hour per day.
Study / Homework – 1 hour per day or until all necessary work is completed.
Empty In Box
Financial Transaction Input

Solid here and I am working on making sure things get done each day. At the end of the week, how many times I skip something is reported and I eventually want zero there for everything. As it is I am 85% consistent.

Goals:

Be transparent with my wife to improve communication
Graduate with Political Science Degree in December 2018.
Find a new, better paying job by the end of January 2019 or before.
In 2019 have a clear budget and financial plan working by the end of the year.
Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
Keep gym membership going somewhere and lift weights minimum of four times per week and walk minimum four times per week through end of 2019
Follow Paleo Diet completely and use intermittent fasting until the end of 2019
Cross one thing off bucket list every six months (Deadlines July 1st, and December 31st of 2019)
Be in the best shape I can be by March 18th, 2019 (50th birthday), take pictures.

Now that my goals have a little more specifics, I feel better about them. I can see something measurable and I have deadlines. #1 is more important to me than anything and so I am thinking on how to do that better. We have improved a lot but there is still a lot of ways to go. The deadline on my Bucket List is pivotal and a game changer. Hopefully #2 and #3 will resolve themselves in a few months.

Budgeting:

Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
Debt Snowball
Fully funded Emergency fund
Invest 15% of income into retirement
Pay off Home Early
Build Wealth and Give

It all comes down to one thing really – making more money. Hopefully that will be the case in the next few months.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – The State of My Body

November 9, 2018November 9, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal:

Well, with heart and mind finished it is time to turn to my body. I must say when I look back at all the shit I went through this summer, I am glad I did focus on my body and health because it gave me a focus to work on through all that. I still found a way to get to the gym regularly and I began to focus on nutrition.

I now hover slightly under 300 lbs. I am six-foot four and I have lifted weights for a couple of decades, so I have a good deal of muscle mass, so I don’t think I will ever be able to drop below 250. The lowest weight I achieved in the last ten to fifteen years is 285 and that was with a pretty extreme diet but it could have been tweaked because I still was eating a lot of carbs back then. With my new diet, I am interested in seeing how low I can go now.

That said, my main measure of progress is not my weight. It actually is standing naked in front of a mirror. Yeah, that’s right because it’s the only way to give yourself and honest assessment and provide motivation. You stand there until you can see clearly what the problems are and get mad enough to do something about them. I still have three problems areas which are my inner thighs, my waistline and my pecs. In the first and last of these there is a little fat still present but it’s surrounded by loose skin from the losses so far. My waistline is definitely lighter but there is still room for progress. Only time will tell if my skin will lay flat.

I as glad for the progress this summer but I am still making some now. The real thing this summer was that my heart was wounded and my mind muddled but my body was doing good. It was getting stronger, leaner and feeling better. It’s probably what kept me from completely losing it.

My diabetes was heading the right direction at my last checkup. The real great unknown is that the only health coverage we could afford at the moment was something that covers if the shit hits the fan and not much else. My doctor also has moved to clinic practice and I will have to find a new one anyway. This is where I really need to find a new job and reassess things as far as health care, because I and my wife are at an age where things need constant monitoring at least a couple of times a year.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

There are two opposing views that work in my head all the time – The one in my head that says I can do better and the other one that says no one is perfect. I believe in driving myself to be better, but acknowledging that Rome wasn’t built in a day, so it’s one step at a time thing. So far I think that everything I can provide discipline for has it. I am constantly evaluating my development and how things are going.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

It could be said that I get up every time I fail. That said, sometimes it can take a bit of time. Time is not something I have a lot of these days. It could be said that I am facing the crunch of the end of the semester and graduation looms, so as I also said on Monday watching my six a lot emotionally, so I don’t have a meltdown at the crucial time. Being able to take a hit and still be standing and moving forward is important right now and I need to be in that state of mind and heart.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

I get asked how thing are going between my wife and I from time to time. I can only say that we have our good days and bad but it’s more good than bad. The observation I would make is that we are healing our marriage which both of us acknowledge was damaged by both of us which led to certain vulnerabilities. It’s this process of learning to build again, to build loyalty between us and a wall around us that is our chief focus.

The situation kind of forces us to stick together. Thanks to the ministry, we are about 20 years behind all the rest of our friends of the same age as far as financial security. Both of us have said it feels like we are back in Bible college times but we are older and wondering what time warp is this? We either stand back to back or we are going to be in trouble, so that helps the fidelity question on our marriage.

The other areas of fidelity are solid and always have been at least on my side. I actually have considered going through my friends list on Facebook and doing another purge. There are just some people who are my ‘friends’ but I haven’t had any interaction with them for years. I keep my circle small. I value loyalty as much as I try to give it. I value it more than the number of friends I have.

Weekly Routine:

Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
Cleaning – 3 days a week.
Walking – 4 days a week

Seems solid other than when I have a class canceled or like this week my car breaks down and I had to skip a class, the walking needs and alternative. Cleaning and Weightlifting will be finished Saturday so that is good.

Nutrition:

I have an intermediate goal that may find its way on to my goal list. To be in the best shape possible for my 50th birthday which is in March. Nutrition is going to be a big part of that and I need to lock down my eating habits from now until then. I have received more remarks this month than in a long time as to how much weight if have lost and how good I look. A lot of that has to do with the Paleo Diet and intermittent fasting.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – My heart is a wreck still but I have made some progress in learning how to heal, the need to find closure has been identified and I feel that even though this section of the NNV is in some cases my weakest, it is getting better.

Business – Really this is just working things as I try to finish my school and get a better job. It’s about working the early stages of the plan to set a foundation for prosperity. My mind is coming into focus but it really still needs some work and I am trying to do that work better.

Self – This is the best area of my life right now. I feel stronger, leaner and better physically than I have in years. Discipline is returning to my life and I feel good about that.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – The State of My Mind

November 7, 2018November 7, 2018 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Journal:

My Mind – Not something people want to know unless you are part sarcasm, part dark humor and with a little asshole thrown in. There is also The Grey to consider here, I debated whether depression is a mental thing or a heart thing but I would say it is a mental battle you fight to protect your heart. The Grey is kind of the feeling I get during this battle. Sometimes it affects my heart, sometimes not.

This summer I found myself engaged in a lot larger dark thoughts than normal. I was conflicted in a lot of ways. On the good side there was an intense relief not to be in the pulpit anymore. An honest attitude and thought process began about my non-faith and more reasonable approach to life began this summer. If it hadn’t been for my heart being drawn to something that ultimately hurt me, I might have been OK. Hurt however makes it very hard to think until it wakes you up like a cold shower in the morning.

That led to the dark side of thoughts. I can’t say I am proud of what I was thinking at the time. Mostly it was my desires driving my thoughts; which is why after I came out of this fog, I initiated my Wolves listening to the Ravens policy motto.

Right now, I am trying to get things back into focus. It is not easy because I still want what I wanted, but I have to be very real in how it is going to be achieved. In the case of mind the Business Virtues fit because it is about getting down to the business of life and thinking through how things need to be and what steps need to be taken.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

In being self-reliant there is an underlying philosophy of minimalism that I follow. I am not an extreme minimalist but I do have two criteria for keeping things I own. 1) Is it useful to me and have I used it in the last year. 2) Does it give me joy. If I look at something and I cannot answer yes to either question, it disappears.

The reasoning behind this is that things can slow you down, weigh you down and cause you to make decisions that are not the best or to your advantage. It’s also why I don’t have pets at this time anyway. I just don’t have the proper time or energy to give to a dog (don’t like cats) or say a raven. As I get older time is a most precious commodity, so I don’t want to spend it taking care of stuff that is not useful or enjoyable. This means it takes less to be self-reliant as well.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

Being efficient is an economics thing and I love economics. I also love to create things and one of the things I am learning is the creativity of all work. There is something you are creating even in stocking shelves and that is opportunity for the product to meet the customer. It makes all work enjoyable when you can see the creative part of it. Creativity isn’t just a product of heart but also the mind.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

The reason I would say hospitality is more of a mental thing than a heart thing is that to do it right you have to plan for it. It takes real preparation for you to always be ready to help. To be in a position of abundance so that you can help others in need takes a long-term strategy and so that is what I am employing.

In part also is the need perhaps to host a support group of some sort maybe a year from now. I am not sure for what but I know that I started to slip mentally and emotionally when this left my life so I need it back. The reason I say a year from now is I need to heal and rebuild some things first.

Daily Routine:

Communication / Cuddle Time
Blogging
Reading – 1 hour per day.
Study / Homework – 1 hour per day or until all necessary work is completed.
Empty In Box
Financial Transaction Input

Pretty Good here. Can’t complain too much anyway. If there is any weak spot its the homework and reading. School is hard because the only interesting class to me this semester is Health Economics but only for the Economics part, not the Health part. I am getting better though now that I look at each assignment in each class as a chance to be creative.

Goals:

Strengthen Marriage
Finish my Political Science Degree
Advance Career
Monitor and Control Finances
Write for my Blog – 1 post per day average.
Exercise
Follow a Solid Diet Plan
Create and work a Bucket List.

I am closest to the goal of finishing my degree. The rest of these goals have a continual aspect to them and I am OK with that but it does call into question how do I measure them other than in terms of streaks of how long I have gone with each one. I figure I can add a couple because like my bucket list I can have 8-10 things on it. I may also edit this list in the coming week so the goals are a little more measurable.

Budgeting:

Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
Debt Snowball
Fully funded Emergency fund
Invest 15% of income into retirement
Pay off Home Early
Build Wealth and Give

Still stage 1 but I feel that things can move forward although it is very slow. Once I have a better paying job, I think I can actually work the first three parts fairly quickly.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

	Grant W on Of Wolves and Ravens – M…
	Wolfgang on “Skadi: Goddess of the W…
	Heimdall Norse Mytho… on “Heimdall – Guardi…
	Ed Raby Sr on Pause, Reset, Re-Align, R…
	Dawn on Pause, Reset, Re-Align, R…