Family

“Taking A Few Deep Breaths” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

These last two weeks have been interesting and challenging. I was in the doctor’s office on Thursday and as always a little anxious. I was there for my routine checkup and consultation. But as I waited I did some thinking.  I have had the following experiences this last couple of weeks.

  1. I have had more denials from potential employers in the last ten days than in a couple months previously.  It’s like all the applications I filed came back with nulls.
  2. At my current employer, I was passed over for a job and it was given to someone with no experience whatsoever.
  3. I have had another bout with The Grey and while it was not severe. The cause was known, however.
  4. I have had a doctor’s appointment and while a lot of the news was good, there was some news that reminded me I am getting older.   And that sucks by the way.
  5. The End of August marks one year that my wife and I have been back together after our separation last summer and that has lead to some very reflective moments about my marriage.

This post is about taking a few deep breaths and looking at each of these a little reflectively and spiritually.

Deep Breath. 

I guess I have to say the whole job situation has caused me to look at the basic fact that I have not really discovered what my new identity is. It is in-process both practically and spiritually and so there is that.  Mostly though the practical concerns will start to become forefront issues in the next couple of months I don’t find something better. For now, though my meditations center on who am I?

Deep Breath.

The decision at work at first angered me and then I just felt disrespected. It was like really, could have slapped all of us from the department any harder, especially those of us that work hard over here and have management experience?  Then I took a breath, realized that this is not my place, I am in my heart looking to move on to something better, so I might as well get about it.

Deep Breath.

My bought with The Grey recently was brought about by a song played on the radio at work. It was my song to Miss Salty and it triggered the whole mess of feelings involved in that.  One thing they never seem to mention about being empathic is that emotions experienced in certain situations stay and lay dormant until something triggers them and then there you are all over again. Which triggers a whole lot of meditation on the problem.  My most recent meditations have led me to a question: What exactly is The Grey?

Depression?  It involves depression but there is that switch that goes off to protect me from the sadness so I feel nothing. In that state, am I depressed or something else entirely?  I think I might have had an introspective moment because of this that might lead to an awakening.   I hope so.

Deep Breath.

I took a lot of those deep breaths before I met my new doctor. I just passed 50 so the protocol becomes: ‘You need this test done, you need to start this medication as a diabetic.’  I am like – what is this malevolent magic that took place where all this was unnecessary at age 49 and 364 days but one day later, a whole list of evil fairies have comes and makes you vulnerable to a whole new crops of shit. I hope my new doctor is a good salesman and explains things well, because if you don’t sell me – Yeah, fuck that shit.

The problem is that all my health indicators indicate I am healthier than I was last year, but somehow my medicines need to be increased and new treatments engaged for possible problems down the road. I hate American medicine, they either engage in damage control after the fact or their definition of preventative medicine is purely put more pills in your body. Not my thoughts on how to approach my health.

Deep Breath.

I don’t take too much for granted when it regards my marriage.  Our reconciliation is in truth a work in progress. I simply acknowledge here that It still might not work, something I started when we first decided to go down this path to my family and something I remind myself of right now. I want it very much to work, don’t get me wrong. But I also acknowledge the struggle in my heart between how much do I have to give up as far as my personal happiness to stay married? I shouldn’t be looking at it that way should I, but I am, and that is very troubling to me.

  1. My wife and I have very different values now.  That is basically because I ‘fuck it’ to my former faith and she has not.  What is important to me is very different than what is important to her.  And it is growing more divided.
  2. Our goals are very different and trying to find common ground either involves a lot of compromises or straight up, from my perspective, me giving up a lot of my goals entirely.  I am growing weary of having to give up what I desire simply to make my family and friends happy, and that is exactly the state of mind I was in that caused me to walk away a year ago. Not good.
  3. I now know what aspects of a relationship with a woman I am missing and still desire. It creates a longing in my heart that I cannot seem to shake.

Deep Breath.

I think it is time to look within.  Discover who I am again and out of that might flow a lot of answers.  It is time to awaken and to take that first breath of who I am now.  It is time to find that person and become them.

Deep Breath.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Asatru and Fidelity” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Fidelity

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Discussion:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Fidelity or Loyalty, also known is Asatru as Troth, is something in certain areas I have struggled with from time to time. That said, when I was first embracing the Nine Noble Virtues after my recent affair, I didn’t list it as number one or even two as the virtues I needed the most.  It actually finished in the middle much to some people’s surprise at the time.  I will get to why I assessed Fidelity at that level in a moment.  The real issue first is what is fidelity?

This is the only time I found the website Ravenbok a little disappointing because they focused on two issues marriage and loyalty to the gods. In marriage, the point out the obvious in the idea of sexual fidelity and loyalty to one’s vows to one’s spouse.   They do that being loyal to the deities of Asatru might be challenging.

My definition of Fidelity goes much further than that, and recent experience has allowed me to visualize and define it much more completely.  My definition includes the following loyalties to be aware of: The divine, family, self and friends. One principle comes from the definition that friends are treated like family in the case of loyalty.  The other principle is my stated principle which is to be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

It is this reciprocal understanding of loyalty that is instinctual to me and it is a double-edged sword. First, it is inherent to my being.  My personality type (INFJ) is focused on this idea of standing for each other and reciprocal loyalty, to violate this would be a violation fo who I am in a lot of respects.  It is not impossible to do, but very difficult.  It means that usually, it will be the other person who breaks faith with me before I break faith with them. That I have only broken up with one girl in all my years of dating before I got married, the rest broke up with me. Universally ‘friends’ walk away from me before I have ever walked away from them.

The other edge to the sword is to understand my loyalties are interconnected but loyalty to self is essential to maintain balance. I often maintain loyalties to others at the expense of loyalty to myself and that usually ends in disaster. By making sure it is central and all other loyalties are related to it, I can overcome this, but it takes a lot of thinking to make sure I am being loyal to myself.  It is not as instinctual, so I have to work at it.

In the end, it is not if I will be loyal or show fidelity in a relationship, but why that matters and that is why I ask why I am in each relationship constantly now. It all centers on if that relationship also reflects loyalty to self now.  If it doesn’t then there is something wrong with it that can lead to problems. To fix it, I need to ask how I can change the relationship so the fidelity in it is reciprocal again.  If it can’t be changed, then it is time to acknowledge that it might be that the other person is disloyal and the relationship needs to be abandoned rather than me showing blind loyalty to it.  Time to walk away before I get hurt.

It is treating myself like a human being and being loyal to myself is a new learning process when it comes to loyalty.  In this case, thinking of loyalty in terms of the wolves and ravens helps a lot and gives me the visualization I need most of the time.

Website: Ravenbok – The particular page is: The Values of Asatru

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

I never made any progress in understanding fidelity until I learned that seriously considering what I need and want is important.  Learning to feed the wolves is important because if they don’t get fed they go rogue on me.  The morph into a monster that.  In order for my relationship and the fidelity that is in them to bring virtue and strength, what I need has to be equally considered with the other person.  If I don’t consider what I need in that relationship, it will fail in the end because the wolves will become famished and then lash out.

Wants (Freki):

This includes not just need but want.  If I find myself giving up my goals and desires more often than the other person this is going to be a problem in the same way as needs can become a problem.  I would say learning to feed the wolves is the best way to keep them from going wild, from becoming so hungry the consume me and those I love.  This forms the best way for me to understand loyalty to myself.  “Feed the wolves”

Reason (Huginn):

Yes, reason does say to be considerate of the needs and want of others in relationships and the nature of loyalty.  Fidelity, however, is a two-way street and my problem is not showing loyalty but in making sure I receive it in return. That by being loyal I am not losing myself.  Fidelity is about being true to all relationships and that includes the one you have with yourself.

Wisdom (Muninn):

Finding the wisest path that offers loyalty to self while maintaining loyalty that is reciprocal is the challenge these days. Learning that loyalty to myself is important is one thing, living it given it is more natural for me to sacrifice than to embrace my needs and wants is not a natural act. It however essential as I have learned from painful experience. The big challenges remain: 1) What do I mean by loyalty to the divine? and 2) What level of loyalty to myself is required that finds balance with loyalty to others? It is these two questions that keep me writing and meditating.

Conclusion:

I am still learning, but I can’t deny the value of the view of Troth or Fidelity that the followers of Asatru have.  I have been asked by some why I came back to my wife and from her side, it was the end of denying she was part of the problem. From mine, it was meditating on the value of the virtue of loyalty and coming to a painful realization that the problem was not loving my wife enough, but loving myself enough so I could love my wife enough.  Only time will tell if I learn this enough and fast enough to make all my relationships stronger.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 4) – Closure in Walking On” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 19

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

This is part four of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1 

Click Here for Part 2

Click Here for Part 3

All of what has come before in this series has been about getting to this post. I want final closure on a lot of this and so writing is for me a way of working through all that.  How successful I have been with this will be revealed in time. I don’t want to write on this stuff again.  There are scars and aspects of some of this I will probably carry for the rest of my life, but I want to speak of them as little as possible and only when I have to do so.

This last post will take the form of me having one-sided conversations with some of the various people I have mentioned already.  This is an idea given to me from a book that was suggested to my wife and I called – Words Can Change Your Brain by Newberg and Waldman.  It has a way of bringing closure but also I have another objective.  Some of these people I no longer have contact with and I just want to say my piece to them as if they were there and then walk away.  My life awaits and it is time to start living it more fully.  I can’t do that with these emotional weights on my back. If I carry anything as The Grey Wayfarer, it needs to be only what I need to carry.  This shit isn’t something I need anymore. I am hoping this is a way to put it all down and walk on.

So who am going to talk to?: The Dirty Pig, My Former Congregation, Miss Salty’s Family, Miss Salty, and two conversations with myself – The Old Me and the New Me.  Basically a list of people I need to walk on from and one person that needs to move on. This is going to be painful.  But also completely necessary for ‘Final’ Closure.

To the Dirty Pig:

I have rehearsed what I would say to you if we ever ran into each other again many times, it boils down to the following list.

  1. I trusted you to handle things as my friend, you said you would, but you never really were my friend, just a poser who pretended to be so for his own advantage.
  2. If you even hold your hand out to me know I already have a response that goes something like this:  “Take that hand and shine it up pretty, turn it sideways and shove it up to your ass.” Sorry, that it is as warm and friendly as it is going to get.
  3. I should have known because the trail of bodies that represents former ‘friends’ of yours that lays behind you in a long line and now I am just one of them. Does it ever bother you, that people are so disposable to you?
  4. What hurts the most, if the roles had been reversed, is I would have given you the benefit of the doubt and time to think things over some more because I cared for you as a friend. It hurt even more because you tricked me into not confessing to my congregation so you could play that to your advantage – you were a coward and stabbed me in the back.  You did me personal harm and damage even though I never did any to you.  Had to ‘teach me a lesson”. What a self-righteous and sanctimonious fuck you are.
  5. I really hope that you get over your narcism and pathological tendency to bend the world around you to the lies you tell yourself. You need help.
  6. If you really care for the church, resign as a moderator and don’t be involved for a few years. Better yet, never again.
  7. I wish you a long but miserable life. I hope what goes around comes around is true for you. I have no desire for revenge because it is stupid, but know this – if an opportunity for justice presents itself to me, I will not hesitate to take it.  You have no friend in me anymore, I am your enemy. Your best course of action is to mind your own business, and if you see me, walk the other direction. I will certainly do the same.

To  My Former Congregation:

This has three parts:

  1. To those of you who voted to fire me.  I have forgiven all of you but you as my former flock disappoint me as much as I may have disappointed you. I may have hurt you, but you hurt me back which I don’t think you could classify as ‘Chrisitan’. If you see me and are not prepared in some way or form to say you are sorry, then just keep walking.   I stand by my statement that I feel I was judged, not for the nine and a half years I loved you and cared for you, but for the one bad decision I made at the end.
  2. To those who didn’t vote to me fire – thanks for listening and remembering. I have talked with many of you but I don’t know if I have talked with all of you.  I am glad you listened to me and remembered my teachings over the years.
  3. To those that have asked for forgiveness directly – thanks.  Most of you have left the church with much the same observations of the Dirty Pig as me.  So I am glad I am not alone.  You are always welcome at my door, just call first.  Some of you are friends and will remain so.

To Miss Salty’s Family:

I offer my apologies to you.  I know my reaction if it had been my niece, daughter, etc., would have been much the same as yours. That said, I feel your largest problem was that you couldn’t accept that Miss Salty had grown up.  The one thing for sure is I would have never hurt her or asked her to do anything she didn’t want to do.   You probably won’t believe this but the whole thing was indeed mutual from the very beginning.  Sorry for the feelings caused, but I don’t expect your forgiveness.  You don’t have to.  You can take comfort in the fact that the way she broke up with me was such I will have trust issues with her for a long time, and there isn’t really much of a possibility of a relationship in the future in any case with me being back with my wife. I wish you all health and happiness.

To Miss Salty: 

Of all the messages I had to write in this post the one to you Miss Salty is the hardest.  I have imagined how this conversation would go many times and it comes out different each time.  I am hoping by writing it this time, it will be more concrete.

I ain’t going to lie, I miss you. But I struggle with who exactly I miss. Was it really you or the character you were playing?  Was it MaKala, Miss Salty, Elpis or someone else?  I do know that whoever she was, she came into my life at a very cold, dark time and offered a lot of warmth and light. For that, I thank her, whoever she was.  She was truly the salt in my life that gave it flavor at the time. She will always be Miss Salty to me. There will always be a small piece of my heart that loves her. It is just the way I am.  I don’t know if not being able to get rid of love completely for a woman I have loved is a blessing or curse sometimes.  Please don’t take advantage of it.

I also know that I try very hard to remember the good and to forget the bad but without too much success.  I don’t know what to do about that, I am hoping someday to get some personal counseling on it. I still write poems but they are difficult because you are remembered every damn time. August 2nd, I found myself crying over the remembered emotions from last year and so it is the pain that is hardest to get over. There a hole missing in my life that no person or thing seems to be able to fill now. Maybe with time, it will.  I hope so. There is also a scared over slash in my heart that is still healing but it bleeds still on the inside.

I want you to live life. I want you to find someone that loves you for you.  Be who you really are and find the person who loves you for who you are – all the good, bad, ugly and the beautiful parts of you. You are worth that. Never forget you are worth that.

I applaud you for at least having the courage to do what you did and you did it to my face. Unlike one I have already talked to above, you were far braver.  I am sorry he used you to get to me, but that is his nature.  I said it before and I say it again – The Dirty Pig is not your friend.  Remember that.  Remember you are disposable to him if no longer sees a use for you, I found that out the hard way.  Please don’t be another one of his discarded people. Don’t let yourself be another one of his ‘friendship’ casualties.

I just wish how you did it was different, so I didn’t have so many questions.  That said, trying to contact me with answers would be a bad idea unless you can find a way that doesn’t involve social media (you’re blocked for obvious reasons) or direct contact (I am not sure how I would take that).  I will just have to learn to live with my ignorance.  It wouldn’t be the first time I had to do so.

I hold nothing against you, but one thing.  I think you need to tell people and yourself the truth about your role in all this being mutual and not me manipulating you.  You know that is not true. I think you need to show some courage and face the consequences of that truth. I don’t know if I would ever hear about it, but I think for your own sake, you need to do it. Being truthful with yourself is a hard thing – I know. But it is better that way.

I have said goodbye before to you and yet, despite it all, you are there.  All pictures are deleted or destroyed, the books were thrown away along with the first aid kit. The rock you gave me also gone. I deleted The Hedge completely.  I have tried to be very thorough in getting rid of any reminder of you out of my life, and yet, there you are.  Sometimes in troubling dreams or in thoughts when I see or read something we used to talk about. Songs we talked about come to my ear, and there you are. I have tried to say a permanent goodbye so many times in my heart but can never seem to make it have the effect of healing I want.  This is going to be a slow goodbye for me, I can tell. No getting around it.

It has been a year since I heard those words from your lips – “I can’t do this” and they still echo in my heart like ripples back and forth on a pond.  I am trying to love my wife more and more each day, but your ghost or the ghost of what I thought was you haunt me.  Worse still is the possibility that someday we might very well run into each other, and then I am not sure what my reaction will be.  I guess if that happens, it will speak for itself.

Goodbyes are difficult for me and I am coming to the painful conclusion that they might be impossible regarding you.  I don’t know yet, I have to walk this out and see.  You hurt me and yet, I find it impossible to hate you.  You left me lonely and alone and yet…I don’t feel any malice.  Maybe somebody can help me someday with this. I hope so because it makes things more difficult than they need to be. The Grey gets triggered because of it and it would be nice if that stopped happening.

I would say goodbye, but your ghost still follows me. So its ‘goodbye’ in quotes for now and maybe someday, with enough time, you will haunt me less. I hope so.

To My Old Self – Pastor Ed:

You need to go, buddy.  You sacrifice too much of yourself and then you end up hurting yourself and people you love.  You have long been a liability to yourself.  You need to go. You’re a good guy, but you are also self-destructive.  You need to go. I know some people will miss you and I will too, but you cost me too much over the years to maintain anymore.  You need to go. You are just not a really good friend to me anymore. You need to go. You make yourself vulnerable and people take advantage of us. You need to go.  Goodbye, Pastor Ed.

To My New Self – The Grey Wayfarer:

It’s time to get up and walk again.  You have had your conversations here on the side of the road and now, you need to get up, grab your spear, pull your cloak around you, whistle for the wolves and ravens and walk on.  It’s time to move on and be yourself.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.  If some choose to catch up with you and talk to you that is one thing, or people cross your path again that is OK.  Old friends and those you know are always welcome to walk with you for a time. But you know it is dangerous to look back and think of all the would haves and should-haves.  It’s the path behind and there is no changing where your footsteps already are.

Time to walk into the future.  Time to face the unknown with courage, honor, and truth.  Time to live your life, be self-reliant, work hard and give generously as you can.  Time to maintain disciplined steps, keep getting up when you fail and stay loyal to those who have shown themselves loyal to you. Keep walking.  The ghosts of the past are going to haunt you from time to time, but find a way to be at peace with them and keep walking. The Grey Storm is going to come from time to time. Learn to walk through it and be better for it.

Time to truly become,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 3) – My Marriage – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 18

/ Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day.

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

This is part three of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1 

Click Here for Part 2

An additional disclaimer might be necessary here – I am talking very openly about my feelings and struggles I have had and am having with my marriage. Two things: 1) My wife and I are in the process of rebuilding things and, given recent experience, are painfully aware of the weaknesses in our marriage. That said we are working on it but both of us are no longer naive enough to believe that things will always be cool without working on them. 2) I am not going to speak for my wife’s feelings on things currently.  That would be rude and presumptuous on my part to do that, but I am going to be very open about mine.  This is about sorting things out in my head, not looking for excuses or reason to call it quits.  It is more an honest assessment of the situation, so I can move forward.

A little background.  We have been married for 30 years now.  It almost wasn’t 30 years. My wife and I have known each other since we were children, we dated on and off through middle school and high school.  In early 1989, we got back together and in February of that same year, I proposed to her.  We got married that June on the 10th.  From that time on our life has been basically revolving around two things: 1) Our lives as a pastor and his wife and 2) Our children.  We always talked early on about how we wanted a few kids early so later in life we could spend more time enjoying each other but life began and slowly these two things dominated our lives.

Through the years we were pastor and wife through four churches and we raised our kids.  The last one graduated in 2011 and that is when the seeds of our troubles really began.  Mostly, I guess my expectations that we would do more together felt a little short-changed. It was one of those moments when you are done focusing on the kids and you look at this person you have been with and go – who are you again?  I would say to any couple that hits an empty nest stage, even if you think you are in good shape – go get a marriage check-up with a counselor.  There are probably things that have been unsaid while you have been raising the kids that need to be said now as it turns back into the two of you.

For me, things started south at about the same time I started school in 2015.   I know I wasn’t supported in that decision by my wife.  It bothered me because I was facing the reality of the fact that the church was never going to support me so that retirement was an option.  I was basically going to have to stay preaching until they put me in a box and to be honest, that image did not appeal to me.  The thing is my wife and I had drifted by that point because even though the kids had grown up she kept injecting herself into their lives. At the time I felt that if I was a priority on my wife’s list it was down near the bottom and I didn’t feel at all supported as I tried to do something to make a better life for us now that the kids were gone.

Over the next three years, a gap began to develop between us.  It became pretty much church, the kid’s life, and other small talk items. As someone who hates small talk, this began to drive me nuts. As early as 2016 I began to think about divorce because from my perspective it seemed our marriage worked great for her but it sucked for me. Throw in at that point a lost faith and frustration with the Dirty Pig and his control of the church and my mind is pretty much in a very dark place about the whole thing.

As I have said before in this series, my plan was to finish school, get a new job, resign from the church and file for divorce.  I wasn’t going to provide a better life for someone who hadn’t been supportive and didn’t seem to care that from a financial point of view we were in the middle third quarter of our life and down by 35.  Time to get off the bench and put up some financial offense.  My view was if she wasn’t going help with that, I needed to either play on my own or find a new teammate.

My affair with Miss Salty accelerated my departure from the church and it also caused the troubles in our marriage to be brought to the forefront.   My wife and I spent the next three months separated including our 29th anniversary.  We had a couple conversations and the same problem presented itself from my end.  I never fall out of love with a woman completely.  That was true for my wife as well. I just didn’t feel at the time I had the right kind fo love. I felt also that my wife and I’s passive aggression had also hammered most of my love right out of me for her. I just could bring myself to love her the way a husband should love his wife.  Plus all the practical concerns listed above.

I filed for divorce in middle June and given the 60-day waiting period before a hearing, we were slated lat August and that would have been that.  It was an interesting test at times because when the severance was denied my letter written in response said that the main person they had hurt with that decision was not me but my wife who had to shoulder all the bills seeing I was not working. I had also wanted to give her some of the money to help her transition, but that was no longer an option. It demonstrates that I wasn’t out to hurt my wife in any way on this.  I just wanted out of a relationship that at the time wasn’t very good for either of us.

Then Miss Salty left me for the last time and I found myself alone, again. People remarked later how quickly I made the decision to return to my wife.  It was a 10 day or so wait.  I remark back it only took Miss Salty about 3-5 days to get over dumping her fiance and moving on, so what is their point?  My main concern was I knew that Miss Salty was no longer an option for me.  My two choices: 1) go to something new or 2) try to fix things with my wife.

My decision to try to fix things with my wife was predicated on a few factors.  1) I would never be able to trust Miss Salty again with my heart, so that was done. 2) My children had remarked that I hadn’t really tried to fix things with their mother. True. (I want to give a shout out to my daughter if she reads this – a lot of your comments my dear were spot on – take a bow girl, you probably saved your parents’ marriage.) 3) There was that little bit of love for her left.  That said, it was my wife’s reaction that ultimately made it work. For my kids’ sake, I contacted my wife and asked if we could try to work this out.

My wife listened to me and then she talked.  She did something I didn’t expect.  She forgave me.   She also took responsibility for her part in all the crap that went on before.  She didn’t tell me it was all my fault and she listened to my story and believed it.  Long story short, we got back together, I canceled the divorce with like two days to spare and we took a mini-vacation where we spent a lot of time naked in bed talking and doing what married couples do when they’re naked in bed.  We got counseling and moved into our own apartment on our own.  It isn’t perfect, but we are working on it.

There is one element of church nonsense that happened during the whole thing I feel the need to address.  When word got out one member of the church, Miss Salty’s aunt; she tried to contact my wife about what an evil person I was. How I had committed a felony, had a teenage girl problem, etc.  My wife’s friend basically told my wife to tell her to shove off as a busybody and move along with the reconciliation. My wife was kinder than that but the basic advice was followed to tell people to mind their own business.

Later in counseling, our counselor made the simple observation that the affair was a typical one that had nothing to do with Miss Salty’s age, but our marriage being shitty.  When a marriage doesn’t help the people in it, these things happen because you are vulnerable. For my part, I simply fell in love with someone who started to meet the needs I had that my wife was not meeting.  That’s it.  Anything else people want to think is Bull Shit.

If there is any possibility this still might not work, it lays with me and a few issues that are between us because of who we are:

  1. I place a high value on my freedom to act as I see fit. I don’t like a constraint.  I accept the few constraints that our marriage puts on us because it is a marriage, but outside that I want the freedom to do what I want and what is best for me.  That could pull us in different directions.
  2. Part of my problem related to this is that I tend to help others at the expense of myself.  This leads to a building up of a deficit emotionally that eventually will blow up like a bomb.  If someone doesn’t make a point to stop and ask me genuinely how I am, or as an INFJ I will go on my merry way on destruction.  My wife has learned not to take my “I’m OKs” at face value which is good, but I still have to watch myself on this and on occasion do what is emotionally right for me even if it seems selfish to others.
  3. My values are rapidly changing.  My social mores are also changing. This means in our religiously mixed marriage, I a Deist/Pagan don’t see things as evil or sinful anymore.  As a Christian she does and so compromise is definitely the order of the day. I measure things in terms of building virtue and benefit to each other, not avoiding what is wrong or bad. If our values get too far apart, our counselor said it could still be our marriage downfall.
  4. Our compromises have to be genuine give and take.  I call bullshit pretty quick if I don’t feel they are.  Some things are still in tension because of this and it is going to take time to work them out. With our values, she and I have to really watch this because it is pretty significant if a couple values different things from one another. You can still love one another and the marriage can still fail because of this.
  5. My Weaknesses are now pretty apparent.  I miss certain things about another relationship that speaks to these weaknesses.  I either have to go without or find alternatives. In some of these areas, there is no alternative so it becomes a major internal battle.  I concede now that I could very well lose those battles.  I’m am indeed vulnerable to these things.

I am not trying to create doubt here, but state the reality of where I am.  I view marriage as a pagan would.  In particular, the brand of paganism that renews vows every year.  This forces you to be constantly working at it to make it mutually beneficial, rather than just taking it for granted as a lifetime commitment does. It is far more realistic in my opinion and the vows don’t set you up for failure.

That said, our vows are Chrisitan ones, so the basis for me is gone except for my commitment to the Asatru Virtue of Fidelity. I still honor the spirit of those vows for that alone and nothing else. That said, one aspect of Fidelity is loyalty to self.  It is possible given our different faiths/values that loyalty to my marriage and loyalty to self might come into conflict. How I view the virtue of Fidelity is starting to solidify with self at the center and all my other relationships in a circle around it.  If that circle is broken or weak in some spots, it needs to be addressed or changed but the center needs to always be strong.

One part to go and that will be me directly addressing some of the people I mentioned in this series so far. For now, know that my wife and I are good and we are working to be great.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16

/ Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Saturn’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this one and the three that will follow for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

Year Ago Retrospect will thave three parts:  The Breakup, The Church Nonsense, and Marriage.  I will also write a conclusion post on Frigg and Freya’s Day that is a message to a few people who I no longer have any other avenue to say something to if they read this series and hopefully some final direction for myself.  I am hoping these posts and writing about the events in them will give me some clarity of what to do now that it has been a year.  I knew The Grey would be strong this week, but so far it has been almost overwhelming so…

These will take the place of my normal journal posts this week because in a very real sense they are me journaling my feelings.  Today –  The Breakup.  Moon’s Day – The Church Nonsense.  Wooden’s Day – My Marriage. Frigg and Freya’s Day – Conclusion.  I apologize for any hard or difficult feelings this may cause. I have no doubt that this will cause some.

That said, I feel if I don’t do this, I am going to lose it with memories so strong right now.  The feelings they are causing are so difficult it is hard to keep it together. I need to write about this.  Why? Because it is time to get this out of my system because it is affecting me negatively.  Writing as therapy.  One other thing – please wait to read all the posts before passing complete judgment on me.  Here we go.

A year ago yesterday, my affair with Miss Salty ended with her breaking up with me and then pretty much blocking me on every social media avenue leaving me pretty much alone, lonely and bleeding from my soul. It has now been a year since I have had any sort of contact with her. Life in the Grey has been very difficult ever since.

To understand why this was so, I have to go back a some months before that, so today as a matter of therapeutic writing and to set my side of the story straight as far as I see it, I am going to recount the events of this relationship from roughy January of 2018 to the breakup and a little beyond.  I want to then end with the implications for me today, now that it is a year later.

It is hard to think of this but in January 2018 I was a respected minister of a small church.  That said I was struggling with my faith and had been in that state for several years.  My theological objections to Christianity were there and I was finding no answers and the fact that I was making a living doing something that was based on a faith I no longer had didn’t help my psyche. It was causing quite a crisis of conscience.  I was trying to preach my way back to faith, and it wasn’t working. Then my organist died.

This was significant because it marked the end of an era for my church.  Our pianist had died a couple years before and my main singer had died just a few months before the organist. With my long-time organist dead, there was nothing left in the music realm that I had started with nine years before.  We were also fairly good friends. I liked Jim and understood him and respected him.  I was grieving about it but no one was asking me how I was.

That is the peril of the modern ministry, you look after everyone else but no one looks after you. Into my grief walked Miss Salty. She had been a part of my church since October of 2017 when she left her home because it was an abusive environment. I had befriended her and was trying to counsel her through some issues.  When she saw my grief and depression she recognized it right away and asked me several times how I was doing.  It was honest and genuine and she really wanted to know. She was the only one asking me this genuinely.

At this time, it kind of took our friendship up a notch.  We began to talk a lot and I soon was very amazed at how open I was with her.  The more I got to know her, and she got to know me, the easier it was to talk to her.  I have never had a person get me so quickly and understand me so well that I have been that transparent.  Not even my wife.

I never believed in a soul mate before.  I always looked at relationships with people as something you had to work at because none of them were perfect. But my relationship with Miss Salty began to challenge that notion.  My own marriage at the time was hostile with that kind of passive aggression that makes things mostly unbearable. I had been going to school for three years by this time and my basic plan was to finish my degree, find a new job and then very seriously consider divorcing my wife because it wasn’t working.  If Miss Salty had not come along, I would probably have continued at the church and be finishing the divorce part of the plan right now.

I started to see Miss Salty not just as a friend but a confidant. She kept my secrets and me hers. Looking back my feelings of romantic love started in about late February 2018, a month after her 18th birthday.  I know what people think at this point, so let me stress this, her age didn’t factor in other than had she been under age my responses to some of the events that followed would have been different. I have far too much desire to keep my own freedom to break the law.

She was from the time my feelings started until the end of our affair a legal adult and I am very certain she had the capacity to understand what she was doing. She is smart and has enough life experience to know what people understand is right and wrong.  Our relationship started as a friendship and a damn good one.  The circumstances and our choices that followed led to what happened.  Two people in pain, drawing comfort from one another is how this started. Nothing more and nothing less.

I want to shorten this part of the story, but suffice it to say from February until late May my feelings of love grew for her.  I kept them to myself. I have never been good at starting romantic relationships.  According to her, she started feeling the same in late March.  She was going through a tough time then and I reached out to her and then as April and May went along we grew very close.  I went to her graduation and the day after she flat out asked me if I loved her. I wish she had never asked because I have this thing with telling the truth.

I said yes because it was true. It lasted a week before it came unglued in that neither one of us could take the pressure of trying to keep up the lies to cover this up. She told her aunt and I told my wife. My wife left and we separated. Two days later I was feeling I was going to go down hard, so I deliberately pushed her away to protect her from the fallout. She was smart enough to figure it out and a week later reached out to me saying she wanted to try again.

That week had some other shenanigans I need to talk about because they factor into the breakup later.  On that Monday I handed my original resignation to the church moderator (from now on referred to in these posts as The Dirty Pig) for him to read to the church. The Dirty Pig tried to lecture me; which rubbed me wrong, but he had been a friend for a long time, so I trusted him and handed him my church-key.  The day after Miss Salty and I split the first time he called me and asked me to change my resignation by removing the one sentence that confessed what I had done.

His reasons were that he didn’t want to start gossip in the church at that time and that he didn’t want to drag Miss Salty into this. In retrospect, he read me pretty well.  He knew I still genuinely loved my congregation and Miss Salty and he used both those things. He knew I trusted him and he used that against me as well.  I turned my revised resignation into him on Friday and probably within a half-hour, based on something Miss Salty told me, but she didn’t realize it was a clue to me figuring this out, the Dirty Pig calls her up and asks permission to tell the story. Miss Salty and I were not talking at the time because we had broken up, or The Dirty Pig would have never been able to pull what he did next off.

He reads my resignation and then tells the whole story. My revised resignation didn’t have a confession line anymore, so the whole thing made it look like I was hiding something.  I had planned on showing up the next Sunday to explain the situation myself,  but as I got the report of what happened, I knew that was no longer possible without causing the congregation some major pain.

I am going to stay with Miss Salty here and talk about the church thing in more detail later in my second post.  I have three things that cause The Grey Storm from this time period. The other two besides the breakup are the church issue and my marriage.  But the foremost is the breakup with Miss Salty.

We would date two more times. The second time was truly “let’s try this out”.  She broke up with me on the day I was returning from my friend’s house in Houston, TX in late June. She never gave me a reason that time, but I wrote about it on my blog at the time, because this time I wasn’t going to just suffer in silence.  She cut me off, but not completely as she kept one social media avenue open.

It was through this avenue that we restarted our friendship because both of us missed that.  The problem was staying just friends.  It was soon friends with benefits. Not the actual physical kind as this entire time we were separated by about 40 miles of distance with neither one of us having a transportation method to see each other.  Things might have turned out very differently if we had possessed this.  The one thing I expressed early on is that I loved her and I knew I couldn’t remain just friends. After a couple days she sends me a short video expressing that she still loved me too.

In late July, she did something I didn’t expect.  She asked me to marry her.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but my wife and our counselor until now. At least I don’t think I have, but it is probably time to do so. I said yes. A little untraditional but I was happy to accept because I was very much in love with her.  For the days leading up to the last breakup, I was never happier.  I have never felt like that before or since.  I finally got a job interview and things were looking up.

August 2nd, 2018 is a day I will not probably ever forget.   I got up and everything was normal in the sense that Miss Salty and I were loving and she even gave me a pep talk for my interview. I borrowed my mom’s car feeling on top of the world and I nailed the interview and got offered a job.  I felt great, better than I had in years.  I was finally taking the first steps to all that I wanted at the time.  On the way home, she texts me that we need to talk.  I knew something was wrong because the usual “I love you” was missing.

I had written on the subject of the Dirty Pig’s involvement in my firing and what I had ultimately discovered above a week before this on The Rabyd Microphone.  Miss Salty finally got to read it that day and she was upset.  I think she thought I was lying about some of it, but I wasn’t.  The hammer dropped.  We had talked the day before about her drama class and how she was a good actress, and I mentioned I would have liked to see that. That moment she told me that I already had seen her act.  That some of the things she had been doing with me were an act.  I told her I didn’t believe her and started to cry.  The conversation was one of me asking ‘why?’ through my tears and her going through a lot of reasons that didn’t make sense to me and still don’t.  I guess in retrospect I am just a stupid old man that fell in love with the wrong woman.

The problem for me now is I still have more questions than answers.  I don’t know whether she was genuine or not.  I know the next day she got high and drunk.  That is the actions of someone in love trying to forget it.  I know I cried for the next few days and felt very close to losing it. Like my sanity.  I suppose the spirit that would become The Grey Wayfarer was born at this time, and it kept me sane.  It also probably helped that a few days later on Facebook she had posted a picture of her holding hands with someone else.

The questions remain: 1) Did she love me or was it truly an act? 2) Is it possible that I loved her but she didn’t love me back?  She sure fooled me if that is the case.  3) What does this say about me now? 4) Will this scar in my heart ever heal?  Probably not completely.

It has been a year; I still struggle with this.  I suppose it is a testimony to the fact my love was genuine toward her and that makes me feel somewhat decent about the whole thing. I wasn’t acting or lying that was for sure.  I wrote once that maybe she was the smart one and did what needed to be done so neither of us would face the ire of our respective families. It would have been a hard relationship for those we love. But to be with one’s soul mate?  Maybe she was to me, but I wasn’t to her. I don’t know and it is this ignorance that haunts my thoughts.

All I know is my personality is such that I never truly fall out of love with any woman I have loved.  I just don’t seem to have the capacity to completely kill that love or even be angry at that woman.  Even with my wife, I never wished her ill or was angry enough to harm her.  It was this love for my wife, as small as it was that lead me to reach out to try to reconcile. But that is the story for another The Grey and The Wayfarer.  Until then maybe some of you that have taken the time to read all this can offer me some wisdom as to how to deal with my pain over this. I don’t believe time heals everything, I think this is one thing that will remain with me for the rest of my life.  But is there a better way to cope?

Yes. I know I am an idiot. But it is something I struggle with.  Miss Salty gave me a couple final instructions: 1) To try to find someone else and 2) focus on my writing.  In the end, the second one has led to this blog: The Grey Wayfarer. But, it also means that the memory of her haunts my steps every time I write.  I have lost something and I wander to find it and wonder if I ever will.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Family ‘Pagan’? – Odin’s Eye – Paganism

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.    

Discussion:

Them: “So you’re a pagan?”

Me: “Sort of, I have pagan tendencies”

Them: “Pagan tendencies?”

Me: “Yeah, I believe the pagan spiritual concepts are pretty interesting, but I am not much into religion anymore, so I am not into that part of it.”

I know this conversation because I have had it a couple times.  To say you are spiritual but think all religion is made up is a hard thing for people to grasp. I mean I have my rituals of meditation on the Nine Noble Virtues and my ritual of putting on my pendant for the day but that is pretty much it. Mostly I look at paganism spiritual concepts as a way to address the possibility of spiritual reality.  In truth, I lean toward the deist side of things with an unknowable divine creator(s). The paganism simply allows me to reach out with my own sense of love and spirituality and address the question of what that divine creator or creators might be.

The issue of course for my family is that they are mostly Christian with a few exceptions.  Mostly though I think they have trouble dealing with their long-time husband, father, and grandfather, who used to be a devout Chrisitan, who now doesn’t even go to church or even pray anymore. n short I have a far easier time adjusting to them than they do to me.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Faith:

My faith these days is more about lining up my spiritual philosophy of the Nine Noble Virtues with real life.  Living virtuously means more to me than the whole mythology of choice thing. I like the Norse myths but the idea that any of those gods actually exist is the real of fantasy and no better or worse than any other mythology out there.  For me, Norse mythology is closer to my ancestral roots and resonates with me more. But I ain’t praying to Odin or Thor. If there is any concept I like it is that we don’t pray to them.  If there is a divine power of some sort, I would rather have this attitude of standing with them rather than bowing before them.

The reality of my faith is that if there is a god or not is irrelevant to it.  If there is my pursuit of virtue should be honored. If there isn’t living by virtue in this world has its own rewards.  Either way, this is the reality f choice when it comes to faith.

Religion:

My pagan religious aspects are few:

  1. I meditate on the Nine Noble Virtues every morning along with my goals.
  2. I put my pendant around my neck for the day after taking my shower.  Mostly this marks the end of my morning routine.
  3. I try to view all of life as a large spiritual lesson.
  4. I celebrate holidays with my family and do it more with a pagan mindset, which is very easy as Christians have stolen most of the symbols for their holidays from the pagans.

I suppose you could add that I study pagan spirituality and religious practice as like reading about the Norse myths. I suppose if I were to ever join a Brethren it would be more for companionship and common interest. Not really all that different than most people in the church.

Theology:

Human beings are emotional, physical and rational.  My theology simply adds spiritual to the mix as a way of tying that all together.  There is a unified cohesion to things when you add the spiritual to me. That’s pretty much it.

Spirituality:

That spirituality is what gives me my pagan tendencies as I follow the basics of looking at life through a spiritual eye from time to time. Paganism is very much a matter of individual spiritual taste and I embrace that.  mY pagan tendencies fit me and who I am and that is pretty much Ok with every pagan I know.

Conclusion:

I guess i am content to be the family ‘pagan’ for now.  I don’t have too many problems with it. So far things are simply awkward when people want to talk about church and Jesus and I don’t really live in that context anymore.  Nor do I wish to ever again.

 

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Deadly Grey Storm” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 13

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Hmm.  Lucky 13?

I haven’t done a warning/disclaimer on one of these posts in a while and this one will probably need one.  I am going to be very open here emotionally and if you don’t want to be inside that storm of mine known as depression (aka The Grey) just don’t read any further.  My purpose here is mostly to sort out my own emotions. For some reason that works better when I know I am going to publish them publically and always has.  I don’t get it either, but trust me, I know the difference between this and private journal entries and it is night and day as far as honesty.  I really lie to myself when it’s private.

I have been having a real battle with The Grey these days.  A real fucking storm that feels as deadly as a lightning bolt for my psyche.  It started as soon as the week that transitions from June to July and it all as to do with memories. But I now am beginning to realize that it is also about this continued struggle between my own happiness and trying to make others happy.

The questions continue: How much of my own happiness do I need to give up in order for others to be happy? At what point will I cross that line again where I become fucking miserable and feel trapped? In feeling trapped, at what point do I fucking lose it again?  Can I keep the animal inside, the monster caged? Do I even want to keep him caged?

There is still a hole that got ripped into my life last summer that none of the events of this last year have filled. A scar that still bleeds inside no matter how much I try to forget and move on. The doom of grey clouds that swirl while they are tapping into that hole in my heart is sometimes overwhelming, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I get over this?  Why do I still think of her and what happened? Why do I still revisit the pain of this over and over again?  A real pain in my soul.  Most of the time I use it as fuel for a lot of things.  ‘Pain as Fuel’ is a theme of mine, but there are times it hurts too bad.

The pain of the loss of friendship dots the landscape too.  The betrayal that revealed a man who was never my friend but a silent hater and took the opportunity to do all he could to destroy me when I made my mistake. Why do I keep this letter from my church that is so painful to me?  Sometimes it motivates me, but other times it just makes me angry and sad.  Some days all I really want is one free shot at a man who is as false as a three dollar bill and whose friendship is half as valuable.  Who most people in the church think is wonderful, but now I see the truth of his hypocrisy and narcissism. The image of him lying bleeding and broken makes me smile and then I get worried about that image even being in my head.

Emotions are strong and run the gambit from anger…no check that…fury to deep sadness to shame and back again.  My insomnia runs deep sometimes because the dreams and nightmares are back and they hurt to have them.  So some nights I don’t sleep well at all and other nights not at all. I knew it would be bad but this much more than I expected.  Why am I trying to simply get a mere five minutes of peace of mind at least once a day?

Religion was no help before and it still isn’t.  Worthless is my old faith.  No amount of believing in fairy tales and imaginary friends helps anymore.  I know it is up to me and that’ the bottom line.

Sometimes the Nine Noble Virtues help but sometimes they are the problem as I try to apply them:

  1. Fidelity – I am trying to be loyal to some of my loyal relationships but at the same time be loyal to myself and I find that it is getting harder not easier. I have given up a lot of what I want in order to stay true to others.  One relationship, in particular, seems neglected – the one to myself.  It is starting to become apparent to me that I have given up some loyalty to myself to maintain the others. Are my loyalties simply contradictory by nature and that is the problem?
  2. Courage – I need freedom like water to a dying man in a desert. But, I lack the courage sometimes to board the ship.  The storm is great right now, so motivation and courage are at best difficult.  But is it an act of courage that is needed where I face the truth, board the ship in the bad weather and sail anyway?
  3. Truth – why is it so much easier to write my feelings like this than say them? Is the answer obvious but I don’t want to take that path because others would be unhappy if I did?
  4. Honor – Some days I would give a lot for the simple feeling that I have some value to myself.  Last year at this time I had that and then it was suddenly yanked away.  It has been a hard haul every since with honor.
  5. Perseverance – I keep getting up, but I wonder why.  What is the point?
  6. Discipline – Have I disciplined myself enough before the storm to ride it out? Is staying disciplined the way out?

Lots of questions here, not a lot of answers.

The Grey Storm is great and my only real fear at this point is that I won’t see the fork in the road I need to take to get out of it. Or, that I won’t last to see the end of it.  I know something will take me out in the end.  I just am not sure what it will be, but I will never stop trying if not for any other purpose that I want to give Death the middle finger as I pass her in the rain.  Not today bitch.

It all adds up to one big Grey Storm that I am trying to navigate.  Spear in hand; Ravens at the shoulders: Wolves at my feet. Hoping it ends soon because I need to see the path and take the right steps.

If you have read this, thanks for taking the time for reading the ramblings of a tired old wanderer.  I just want to be happy again and all this dwelling on the past undercuts that.  I would like to get past it, but it has never been easy for me to do so.  Relationships leave an indelible mark on my soul because of who I am and it just isn’t that easy for me. Even when I do the INFJ door slam, it takes a lot to get there.  My heart is easily bruised and damaged and part of that damage is the mark people leave behind that I can’t shake.

Well time to end this for now.  I strongly suspect there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer very soon as the saga of my journey will continue and right now it is pretty dramatic.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Fatherly Influence” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

I probably should have done this closer to Father’s Day but this post is more the result of reflection on my father the last couple weeks. I can count my mother’s influence on my musical tastes in a couple things – classical and choir arrangements.   My father, on the other hand, was eclectic in his music tastes. That rubbed off on me.

The family story goes that dad tried to buy a car but the guy said he had no credit rating so no dice. Dad then figured out the quickest way to get a credit rating.  He bought a record player on credit and paid it off in six months.  He then had the credit rating to get a car.  I don’t know what happened to the car.  But the record player was in my room as a teenager and I used it to play a lot of things. Including some metal if your wondering.

The result of this was a record collection which was part my mom ( a whole collection of classical music and some choir stuff) and part my dad. Later it would be part me. For my dad’s part, he was all over the place. Below are a few selections and some of my thoughts still regarding them. mostly though I picked up my eclectic, ‘if it sounds good to me I like it’ attitude from dad.

Personal Significance:

“Good Night Sweetheart” – Sha Na Na

I know it is hard to believe but when I was a teenager they had a show dedicated to the 1950s music and culture called Sha Na Na.  I suppose this song which is shortened for the purpose of the show represents a lot of doo-wop which my day was a big fan.  Dad never missed this show and mom liked it too.  I was kind of interested as doo-wop is still something I like to listen to on occasion.  I like this one because Bowser as a bass singer was top notch.

“Folsom Prison Blues” – Johnny Cash 

Probably the greatest thing dad ever did for me was expose me to Johnny Cash.  legendary song by a legendary artist in a legendary place.  To me Cash defies classification.  Is the country? Rockabilly? Rock-n-roll?  The answer is yes and no.

“Good Woman Blues” – Mel Tillis

Dad loved Mel mostly because he was fascinated by the fact that the man should sing like an angel but he could not talk straight because he stuttered. He always reminded me that just because people struggle in one area it does not mean they will be extraordinary in another.  This is also a good representation of the country music my dad was a fan of.

“Allentown” – Billy Joel

I used to have a paper route.  In the winter dad would drive me around to deliver and he would play the radio.  One of the songs at the time was this one and given my dad liked it.  He didn’t really like Billy Joel as a person much or even the message of the song completely.  having been a former union man and later on against them feeling a good boss and being a good human being was better than the antagonism of union vs. management. But he liked the song.

“In a Gadda Da Vida” – Iron Butterfly

The story goes that dad was putting together his next stereo and the guy at the shop said if he wanted to test the sound quality he should buy this song, sit between the two speakers and if he could tell him something interesting about the drummer’s playing then he had the sound right.  What it was is if you had it right the dri=ummer sounds like he is moving around you.  It works I tried it myself. This album stayed on dad’s record shelf until his death. He actually seemed to like the psychedelic 60s stuff.

Play List: 

“Good Night Sweetheart” – Sha Na Na

“Folsom Prison Blues” – Johnny Cash

“Good Woman Blues” – Mel Tillis

“Allentown” – Billy Joel

“In a Gadda Da Vida” – Iron Butterfly

Bonus Tracks:

Two Bonus Tracks today.  One more a representative of the doo-wop songs my dad had in his collection and something that I think was dad’s celebrity crush. Janis Joplin.  I think it was her voice.  I know to me, her voice is sexy as hell. Enjoy.

“Blue Moon” – The Marcels

“Piece of My Heart” – Janis Joplin

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Belated Father’s Day Post” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 12

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

I have been meaning to write this post all week long.  I have had three days off and still was not able to muster the emotional strength to do so.  My father meant a lot to me, words can’t express it, and every Father’s Day I wish he was here so I could say “Happy Father’s Day Dad, I love you.”  After a few moments of that wish, the sadness comes and I realize that I can’t do that because he is gone.

I had my first bought with deep depression after his death.  My first time walking the real Grey and I had the hardest time with it. I was in a depressed state for at least a year and I never really came out of it until I found someone who didn’t judge me for it but actually understood and helped me through it.   That person at the time gave me meaning and purpose again and I was able for the first time to stand and keep walking.

Looking back it wasn’t my faith in Christianity or Jesus that got me through it, just the need for purpose. Reaching deep down and find the reason to keep living when your depressed is hard but the only way to not let it beat you.  That is the key to getting past the depression of losing someone close to you – finding the reason to keep living and going on.  Once I understood this, I have walked the Grey ever since instead of falling victim to it like at that time after my father’s death. I had to do that a lot last year.

I had to take those life lessons and use them a lot last year. I think it created in me my personality that is unique and I had to use one of its strengths last year I didn’t expect. I have found that my personality has this thing called ‘ the door slam’ and it is very real.  When people are no longer part of your life because they have chosen to betray your friendship or walk away from you, you can slam the door in your mind on them and never look back as an INFJ.

One man in particular last year I did this to after I found out he used my trust of him and my love for my congregation and my flame against me to get what he wanted. I literally want nothing to do with him other than to hear that he has been found out for the fraud he is.  I will smile and clap at that moment and move on with lighter steps. But I am moving on without him and I don’t miss him. The door is slammed behind me for him. The only thing I really deal with now is the trust issues are higher because of him.

I can’t do this with people I love deeply.  No matter how bad they hurt me, I can never slam the door on them.  It is always open a crack. It makes me vulnerable to them which in some cases scares that shit out of me.  In other cases, like my father, the vulnerability turns to The Grey. The helpless vulnerable state of being depressed about missing them and not being able to do anything about it. I have been fighting it regarding my father all week long.

I am coming to the hardest part of the summer as memories of last year get really dramatic and my emotional swings from last year were very intense.  This makes memories of them tough and a swirling storm of The Grey I am walking through right now.  I wish it was late August as the memories start to get happier. But I have a couple more months of this to go.  But my father’s wisdom and the lessons I learned from his death and moving on from it are still with me.

Well, this is a father’s day post so allow me a moment of conversation with my departed dad.

“Happy Father’s Day, Dad – wherever you are. I love you and I miss you.  I wish you could be here to see what your grandchildren have become – they are all awesome and your great-grandkids are out of this world.  I feel they have all been robbed by not knowing you better.  I am fairly sure you would have spoiled them with your love by now.

I don’t know if you would be proud of me anymore.  I don’t really care in some ways about that.  I just wish you were here so I could say I love you and get one more of your monster hugs that would crush my chest. I feel that still when Ed, Jr. hugs me.  He is a lot like you. I wish you could have seen him play ball – you would have loved it.  He is becoming a great father like you. Justin is a hard worker like you and has made his own life which would make you proud.  Patience – well that little one year old you used to carry, is all grown up and taking care of your wife.  She lives in the house you used to call your home and now it is hers and I know you would be proud of that. You would be very proud of the woman she has become, I know I am.

I see bits and pieces of you in all of them.  Sparks of your legacy.  I love you and miss you, but every now and then I see you in them and you don’t seem so far away. Even little Otto has your eyes and your happiness. You still live in all of them.  For that, I am thankful to you and the father you were.

I love you, dad. I always will.”

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“April-June 2019 Assessment (Part Three) ” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

At this point, I can say I am Happiest with my self virtues progress. My diet is effective, exercise is solid, and loyalty to the few that have been loyal to me has been solid as far as I can tell.  My problem here is not that things are not making progress it is simply slow.  That said in such things slow progress is not only progress; it is normal. You don’t wake up one day and start lifting and a few hows later are ripped like Arnold.  It takes time and years of dedication to do that.

My main concern at this point is to move things from a weekly list to a daily one and to make a distinction between days off from work from days I do work.  I am trying to make this work with the idea I could change job and location and I still want all my Routines to be able to pick up and move and not miss a beat.

My tools for this remain what I call the self virtues.  Discipline, Perseverance, and Fidelity make this work for me.  Next week the actual changes will start taking place but here is some assessment of where I am right now.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019, to March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

The goal here has been to be on a Paleo Diet and stick to it for a whole year.  No easy task but necessary. I never really started to see the fat melt until I got the Nutrition thing under control and that is not a just stop at the gym thing.  It is an every time you have an opportunity to eat thing, as it happens far more often. I need to really tighten this up with some new recipes and maybe some things that are more carb free than I am currently using. I need to do some research here.

The rebellious act is on hold but on my mind. 🙂

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

What I need to do here is probably walk on my days off for long distances.  It might be one of the few things I do on a day off but it would be effective this way when I have more time.  Want to start using a backpack with more weight in it too.

My mad money is being saved every paycheck and the next thing on said mad money list is my tattoo.  I know what I want (keeping it a surprise for you all) and I figure when I get about a few more months of savings it will be time to pick an artist and get a consultation.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

The only thing left here is the genetic test and travel which requires time and a whole lot more money than I have. But I now have a lot of personal reasons to get my true family origins.  When much of your belief system has respect for ancestors in it, you need to find out who they were.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

With my self-assessment over at this point, the next thing to do is find the wisest path to getting this all done in a more time efficient manner. Wisdom is about balancing everything and getting my daily walk to be one of progress no matter how little progress there is.  At the same time, it is time to start taking bigger steps.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting/Stretching – Minimum 3 days per week.
  2. Walking – Minimum 3 days a week
  3. Job Search – Minimum 3 days a week
  4. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  5. Writing – 3 times a week
  6. Latin – 3 times per week
  7. Cheat Meal Count: 3 per week.

I am thinking Latin and Writing will go Daily.  job Search will too but only until I find one then it can drop off the list but I need to get more serious about that.  I need a change soon as I am restless about a lot of things.  More on that later today in The Grey and The Wayfarer coming up.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!