Depression

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – The State of My Mind

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Journal:

My Mind – Not something people want to know unless you are part sarcasm, part dark humor and with a little asshole thrown in.  There is also The Grey to consider here, I debated whether depression is a mental thing or a heart thing but I would say it is a mental battle you fight to protect your heart.  The Grey is kind of the feeling I get during this battle. Sometimes it affects my heart, sometimes not.

This summer I found myself engaged in a lot larger dark thoughts than normal.  I was conflicted in a lot of ways.  On the good side there was an intense relief not to be in the pulpit anymore. An honest attitude and thought process began about my non-faith and more reasonable approach to life began this summer.  If it hadn’t been for my heart being drawn to something that ultimately hurt me, I might have been OK.  Hurt however makes it very hard to think until it wakes you up like a cold shower in the morning.

That led to the dark side of thoughts. I can’t say I am proud of what I was thinking at the time.  Mostly it was my desires driving my thoughts; which is why after I came out of this fog, I initiated my Wolves listening to the Ravens policy motto.

Right now, I am trying to get things back into focus.  It is not easy because I still want what I wanted, but I have to be very real in how it is going to be achieved.  In the case of mind the Business Virtues fit because it is about getting down to the business of life and thinking through how things need to be and what steps need to be taken.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

In being self-reliant there is an underlying philosophy of minimalism that I follow.  I am not an extreme minimalist but I do have two criteria for keeping things I own.  1) Is it useful to me and have I used it in the last year.  2) Does it give me joy. If I look at something and I cannot answer yes to either question, it disappears.

The reasoning behind this is that things can slow you down, weigh you down and cause you to make decisions that are not the best or to your advantage. It’s also why I don’t have pets at this time anyway.  I just don’t have the proper time or energy to give to a dog (don’t like cats) or say a raven. As I get older time is a most precious commodity, so I don’t want to spend it taking care of stuff that is not useful or enjoyable. This means it takes less to be self-reliant as well.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

Being efficient is an economics thing and I love economics.  I also love to create things and one of the things I am learning is the creativity of all work. There is something you are creating even in stocking shelves and that is opportunity for the product to meet the customer.  It makes all work enjoyable when you can see the creative part of it. Creativity isn’t just a product of heart but also the mind.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

The reason I would say hospitality is more of a mental thing than a heart thing is that to do it right you have to plan for it.  It takes real preparation for you to always be ready to help. To be in a position of abundance so that you can help others in need takes a long-term strategy and so that is what I am employing.

In part also is the need perhaps to host a support group of some sort maybe a year from now. I am not sure for what but I know that I started to slip mentally and emotionally when this left my life so I need it back.  The reason I say a year from now is I need to heal and rebuild some things first.

Daily Routine:

  1. Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging
  3. Reading – 1 hour per day.
  4. Study / Homework – 1 hour per day or until all necessary work is completed.
  5. Empty In Box
  6. Financial Transaction Input

Pretty Good here.  Can’t complain too much anyway. If there is any weak spot its the homework and reading.  School is hard because the only interesting class to me this semester is Health Economics but only for  the Economics part, not the Health part. I am getting better though now that I look at each assignment in each class as a chance to be creative.

Goals: 

  1. Strengthen Marriage
  2. Finish my Political Science Degree
  3. Advance Career
  4. Monitor and Control Finances
  5. Write for my Blog  – 1 post per day average.
  6. Exercise
  7. Follow a Solid Diet Plan
  8. Create and work a Bucket List.

I am closest to the goal of finishing my degree.  The rest of these goals have a continual aspect to them and I am OK with that but it does call into question how do I measure them other than in terms of streaks of how long I have gone with each one.  I figure I can add a couple because like my bucket list I can have 8-10 things on it. I may also edit this list in the coming week so the goals are a little more measurable.

Budgeting: 

  1. Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
  2. Debt Snowball
  3. Fully funded Emergency fund
  4. Invest 15% of income into retirement
  5. Pay off Home Early
  6. Build Wealth and Give

Still stage 1 but I feel that things can move forward although it is very slow.  Once I have a better paying job, I think I can actually work the first three parts fairly quickly.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer #2 – Tattooing My Closure

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know probably all of you are expecting another installment of The Grey Wayfarer Fantasy Serial, but I have been backlogged with a lot of homework for school.  I want that series to be high in quality, so I could either skip it this week and make sure it is good stuff next week or I could rush it and it not be as good.  I chose the former.

I also am considering another serial of a different nature for variety so Saturdays might be one or the other of these series or both.  I really like to write fiction, so it’s really not a problem.

I will not leave you post less however so I feel a personal update is in order.

Celtic Cross Tattoos. I love the background on this.

My wife and I are doing well. Moving out on our own is probably the best thing we could have done for ourselves and probably should have done it a lot sooner than we did.  Perhaps if we had done so, a lot of things would not have happened as they did.

Howling Wolf - Done by Matthew Owen at Kingdom of Ink Doncaster UK

I have been struggling with The Grey (Depression).  One day I will be fine, the next angry, the next sad and then depressed the fourth day and then back up and at it the next. I have spoken about how I think this is caused by a lack of closure.  There is a cycle to it and I am thinking that if I could get some closure on things or healing could be sped up in some way that cycle would be broken or minimized.  I am just not sure how.

I will not wear the Valknut, because I am not dedicated to Odin, but I think this would be a great base for embroidery on a tunic for someone else.

A thought struck me this week that my tattoo plans might be the answer.  I view this not so much as acts of rebellion or a mid life crisis (Sweet Baby Jesus, this has been long mid-life crisis; if it is one) but as statements about milestones in my life, a new philosophy or statements about the past. It is this last aspect that I think I might be able to use as a markers on my journey through life. Because of this there is now a real  desire to get that first tattoo again.  I could see it as a line where I pass from one thing to the next.  The past behind and the future before me. Symbolized by tattoos. There is also the fact that such a transition would come with pain – some how that seems appropriate. It’s at least an idea.

22382062_1981814945433304_1064028570174124316_o.jpg 555×1.020 píxelesOn a more personal note – I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me.  Who has not let my bad decisions and bad frame of mind deter you from being my friends or reading my blogs over the last several months.  Your concern is appreciated and I don’t know if I thank my genuine friends enough for sticking by me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – The Self Virtues – Difficulties or Conditions

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal:

My wife and I had our counseling session and the one item that has been rolling in my head continues to be closure.  When I brought up some of the situations I felt I didn’t have closure on, he asked me if they were difficulties or conditions.  A difficulty is something that you can do something to fix.  Conditions are something that is basically you have to live with.  A difficulty might be a broken arm; a condition might be to have diabetes.  One you can over time fix and heal from. The other is something you will bear the pain and responsibility for maintaining for the rest of your life.

I never really answered what I thought to each of these situations would be to him.  It was more something I was left to think on and so I’m here writing this journal entry and wondering what the diagnoses for each of them might be.  I already live with a lot of conditions.  I really don’t want anymore of these psychological or social conditions than I already have.  I really do want to leave this all behind.  I want proper closure. I want these to be difficulties and not conditions, but I don’t see how that can be. At least not yet.

The other issue the gleaming generality that if I wait long enough time will heal it all.  Bullshit.  I still carry stuff from other situations and I can say this – time doesn’t heal everything. There are some wounds that leave you with a limp or a crooked jaw, or scars that never completely heal.  I wish people would stop saying that.  I suspect if people could see my soul, they would see scars, wounds and missing parts.  I have certainly had a lot of the blood of my soul spilled on the ground this past summer, so I might be a little spiritually anemic as well.  Time may make coping with all that easier, but it won’t make everything go away.  I suspect all the wounds I received in this last summer won’t ever heal completely.   Closure usually helps speed healing up, but I am not sure how to get it right now on several fronts.

I want the things I am facing to be difficulties that I can overcome in time, but I am having to face the hard reality they may be conditions I simply need to learn to live with.  Like my diabetes, I simply have to find a way to overcome most of the problems and symptoms and move along with my life despite the condition.  Or I need to find alternative methods of closure other than the ones that normally you would use.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Discipline at this point is not knowing what to do.  I know that.  What I need to do is consistently do things I know and so far that seems to be working.  I wish I could say perfectly but that is still the goal.  The Routines are really the heart of this; so over time, I can make better observations and adjustments.  Staying busy does help the healing process, so that’s good.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

As I look at this weeks Journal entries, I can see the desire here.  Keep getting up and keep going.  I want to move forward and take hits better. Our counselor this time said we were a good couple and he feels that this whole thing has made us stronger.  I wish I had his confidence, because I still feel vulnerable in certain regards.  I, however, am a stubborn man who refuses to quit and in this regard, it is a good thing.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

I was discussing friendship this week on a post of Facebook.  It wasn’t a long discussion but I had to note that fidelity in friendship is difficult to find.  My recent experience means that, with all but a very few people, I check my 6 a lot more even with people who call themselves my friends.  I have learned another painful lesson that betrayal’s greatest problem is it comes from your friends.  I am even more antsy at social gatherings because I feel like people are observing me to gossip later.  I am introverted to begin with and this just kills most of the desire to be social with all but my closest friends and family. And my closest friend list has gotten really short.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week

So far everything is good here.  Basically when they are needed they get added to the daily routine and get done at some time during the day. I will probably know more when I have been at this a little longer.

Nutrition:

Mostly OK.  I mean the plan is basically intermittent fasting and Paleo Diet so it is more about when and what I eat. I have two challenges.  1) Finding a carb free alternative for bread that works for me and my budget.  2) Making sure I break my fast with a meal at noon time.  It’s not always possible, so may need to do some planning there.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – I feel my foundation is solid.  Probably a good thing.  I still work on things here as they are not perfect but I feel like these are the areas of least concern, other than honor.

Business – Making progress and in a month and a half school will be done except for an internship and I already have plans for that. November is going to be an interesting month and hopefully a productive one.

Self – I struggle here.  I just don’t want to lose myself and what I want to do.  To Balance that with marriage and family is sometimes a lot of work. Sometimes dealing with The Grey and wounds makes it hard to look into the mirror. Hopefully that will change soon.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – The Foundational Virtues – Closure

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

Journal Entry:

I have spent the greater part of October planning and organizing the plan for my life post-pastor and post-Christianity. Now it is time to act.  This last week has been a little rough for me, as I have spent way too much time thinking on the past and trying to shake it. The real thing I think I am facing is the fact that with a lot of parts of the past, I lack closure.  Things ‘ended’ with several things in my life with what I would consider bad endings. If they had been written out as part of one of my stories, I would have definitely considered a rewrite to at least provide some sense of ending for the reader.  The way things actually went down, there is no sense of that.  At least from my side there isn’t.

It’s why things don’t sit well with me on several past issues and this is something that is affecting me and my wife, so I will probably talk about it at our next counseling session. I can’t go into all the details, but I think I need a way to find some closure on some things and I just don’t know how yet.  That’s part of my next task personally.

As it is, I need to fight the anger, sadness and The Grey that comes with this struggle, so the time to Journal and Act on all the planning I have done this last month is now.  I need to stay busy and thus keep walking this journey I call my life.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

The real question for me is honor.  In some of these past cases, I feel people got the better of me by taking advantage of my vulnerability.  In some cases, it is myself that needs to apologize for my actions. In some cases, it is simply that the way I parted with someone just wasn’t right.  There are many things left unsaid and undone.

It’s hard to be positive about my future when the past reminds me of my failures.  It needs to be dealt with properly and in some cases, it might not be possible. I need to calm myself through meditation at these times and refocus on the future.  It’s just something I need to get better at doing.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Three things are required for courage to take place.  1) To know what the right thing is. 2) To know what to do about it and 3) To know when to do it.  It’s this three-fold thing that keeps me engaged in evaluation of every action that requires courage.

If there is a closure regret that I can relay specifically, it’s that I truly wish I could go back in time and handle my church resignation myself.  What I should have done is taken a Sunday off to think about it and then resigned in person the next Sunday after that.  Perhaps then things would have been different, but who knows.  For future reference some notes to self: 1) If there is something hard to do, do it yourself and 2) Don’t trust others to do things for you that directly affect you – they will either fuck it up or fuck you over, so do it yourself.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

Being honest with myself is more the struggle these days.  It is easy to blame others and I am not saying others are not to blame at times, but you can only control what you do, so knowing the truth is helpful in that regard.  If others do indeed fuck you over, then fine, but make sure you learn what you could have done better first before seeking justice.

I pursue any knowledge I think will benefit me in the future.  These days this pursuit is done with a lot of practicality in mind.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals
  3. Review Bucket List
  4. Full Body Stretch
  5. Meditate on One of the Virtues
  6. Breakfast
  7. Supplements and Medicines
  8. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  9. Get Dressed for the Day

This has been going really well so far, but I had to make one change in the order which was to put my meditation after my full body stretch.  This is more of a practical thing as I end my stretching on the floor and so it’s a simple matter to go lotus position at that point and just meditate for a couple of minutes on the Virtue for the day.  Other than that I think the whole thing is a good order and working well for me.

Bucket List:

  1. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
  2. Get My Tattoos.
  3. Actually Get Drunk.
  4. Smoke a Joint.
  5. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
  6. Write My Novel.
  7. Learn Latin.
  8. Learn Hungarian.
  9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.
  10. Start my own business

I think the one thing on this list that is the most possible is getting my first tattoo once I have the money. I mean I could do the Smoke a Joint thing but I am trying to keep clean for job search purposes.  Once school is over I think the novel and Learning Latin might be next.  The weightlifting goals will come when they come.

Weightlifting:

Weightlifting’s great challenge right now is picking which days to do it.  My schedule at work is different days every week. So the thing is that I need to make four trips to the gym a week.  This means sometimes its weekend days as well.  This is simply necessary because trying to lift after a long day of work and school and then late gym session can be too much.  I found out Sunday morning is pretty empty at the gym.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Big Picture and Depression Triggers

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

The Planning part is done.  Virtues, Routines, Goals, Plans, etc. are all finished as far as initial thoughts.  Now is the time for to get the big picture and make a final plan which is how I am going to maintain this and monitor it.  Of course this is what this blog and blogging in general is all about for me.  I have three journal posts each week and my notebook, which is how monitoring this is going to take place.  There are also adjustments that need to take place as things are crossed off my lists as accomplished and life changes from time to time. Mostly though I will be using the three A Skald’s Life posts each week to keep track of things and stay motivated. Today is the big picture of how that will work and at the end something personal because it doesn’t really fit anything else.

A Skald’s Life – Foundational – In each weeks Foundational Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Honor, Courage and Truth.  I think it is also a good place to discuss the Morning Routine, Bucket List and my Weightlifting Plan. Like all my journal posts is will start with a basic journal entry of what is going on.

A Skald’s Life – Business – In each weeks Business Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Self-Reliance, Industriousness and Hospitality.  I think it is a good place to discuss the Daily Routine, Goals and Budget Plan.  It also with start with a basic journal entry.

A Skald’s Life – Self – In each weeks Self Post, I will be discussing the Noble Virtues of Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity.  I think it is a good place to Discuss the Weekly Routine and my Nutritional Plan.  Having one less thing I will probably be looking back at the week as a whole in the basic journal entry which usually takes longer.

The last tool is my notebook which basically has check lists for the Routines and copies of the Virtues, Principles, Goals, Bucket Lists and Plans.  I keep these in front of me every day in the Morning Routine.  These Journal Entries are about marking progress.

Depression Triggers:

I know is might be strange to switch to this topic but The Rabyd Skald Posts are about what doesn’t fit into the other posts that are more standardized.  I would also say the reason I am doing all the Virtues, Goals, etc. is that it is my way of constantly combating my depression and keeping the things that trigger it at bay.  So perhaps is does fit as the overall goal of keeping myself walking through The Grey and still accomplishing what I need to accomplish – It is truly about being The Grey Wayfarer in that sense.

My depression is not as severe as many others.  I can function in the middle of it. It just makes me get moody and difficult to deal with at times.  It basically makes me feel either slightly sad or nothing.  That is I have this feeling that everything is either a waste of time and it makes me sad or I feel nothing at all.  It’s the nothing that bothers me more than the sadness.

I have spent the last couple months really trying to identify things that trigger it.  I am pretty sure I have discovered some of them.  I am not sure how to combat some of these as there is no way to not discuss some of them or avoid some of them.  In fact I am not sure if the way to deal with these triggers is to avoid them at all or actually discuss them.  It’s at times like these I miss The Rabyd Microphone, because I wouldn’t be hesitating about talking about things.  These days I have others to think about, so I play things close to the vest a little more and discuss them with my wife and our marriage counselor more.

My Depression Triggers:

  1. Anger – After I calm down it turns to The Grey.  The real problem is after this summer I have much more to get angry about, so it comes up more often.
  2. Talking about certain people – I lost a lot of friends but to be honest when you make a serious mistake and friends abandon you, then you at least find out who your real friends were.  The one’s that just left or took off, yeah, fuck ’em. Less baggage now. That’s not the issue.  It’s the people who didn’t just abandon you, they stabbed you as they left.  They took advantage of your vulnerability or openness to them and they left you when you needed them most or even worse betrayed you.  Yeah, those people make me angry or sad and then The Grey follows.
  3. When I don’t feel a love connection.  I know it sounds stupid or maybe sappy but love connections fight my depression. They have to be maintained so my wife and I cuddle and talk a lot whenever possible. I make a point of it; to keep it going so when The Grey comes it helps me get over it quicker.  It could be said though that if I haven’t maintained my love connections, The Grey comes more often when I am alone.  I am alone a lot as an introvert,  People drain my energy over time and I need a recharge by getting alone. But there is a great deal of difference in being alone and feeling lonely.

The past is a relentless bastard even though it cannot be changed.  It still takes a toll on you if you let it.  I have found the only real way to combat it is look to the future to be better. To keep walking.  Hopefully from time to time you stand in the sunlight.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – Weightlifting Plan

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day

I must pause here and reflect a bit before I get into my actual plan.  This has been without a doubt one of the most stressful times I have had running from the end of May until the end of August.  It was in many ways up and down like the worlds most twisty roller coaster and just as friendly to my insides.  Through all that, I have been able to maintain a couple of things that kept me from going totally nuts.  One of them was weightlifting.

Like Henry Rollins says – 200 lbs. is 200 lbs.  The Iron is a reference point, beacon and the real deal.  There is no falsity to iron. In my life, the iron has never left me, disappointed me, run out on me or freaked out on me. I found this summer the one place of calm and steadiness was the gym and my truest friend the iron.

My weightlifting plan revolves around quarters.  October through December is the fourth quarter so I am coming to the end of my current year cycle. Next Year is kind of up in the air because I plan on looking for a new job and that might take me in various directions.  It’s too bad because after three and a half years at my current gym, I have come to love the place.  Practicality might dictate something closer to work instead of school and that means changing gyms.  This might cause me to change plans but I doubt it as I wouldn’t consider a gym that didn’t have the equipment I need, unless I have no choice.

In planning I have also had to consider some injuries of the past.  Two years ago I had a repair on a high hernia which required a fairly lengthy recovery from a lifting standpoint.  More recently I have had to deal with tennis elbow in my left elbow. It’s these more lengthy, non-life threatening events that have caused me to rethink an old saying – ‘you need to train to train.”  That means more abdominal work and forearm work.  Stuff a lot of people neglect but I can’t afford to do that anymore.  I want to keep lifting for a long time so injury prevention training is part of the deal.  That’s why the split is longer with five days but I only lift on four days a week so recovery is not an issue.  It’s also why every day now starts with a full stretching routine in the mix.

Everything I do is focused on muscle growth or endurance.  Strength comes with that but it’s not a focus. As I age, muscle loss is more of a problem and I want to fight that.  I will however start with strength because my bucket list has some items I need to work on. So January will be more strength focused with probably a 4 x 5 set/rep range. April to June I will be back to hypertrophy with 4 x 8, July to September 4 x 10, October to December – 4 x 8 once again.

My split hasn’t changed all year other than I added a day – The Core Day which is about abdominal work.  Day 1 – Chest/Delts, Day 2 – Back/Traps, Day 3 – Legs, Day 4 – Arms, Day 5 – The Core. I am hoping once school gets done I can go back to five days a week but right now I four is enough with one day getting a break each week.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

There is always some argument about whether honor is an internal thing or external thing.  I say internal because quite frankly not every one is going to like you and just because some people dishonor you, it doesn’t mean you have it give them credence.  What should mean something to you is your feeling of self value and if that’s good you are good. It’s why some people can disrespect me and I can ignore them or tell them to fuck off.

I am struggling with being positive.  Right now mental fatigue is very high and what I really want is a whole week off from everything.  Not going to happen, so need to find a way to get more motivation to get stuff done and that starts with being positive.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

I say fuck off to a lot of people who call me a coward.  Sometimes the right thing is to walk away and that is what I am trying to do.  The same time, I feel the scales of justice need to be balanced, but I can be patient about that.

Image may contain: 1 person, beard and text  Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

I spend a lot of time in silence these days.  It’s better than lying to people who want to know how I am.  Mostly, people need to mind their own business.  I also would say I don’t tell to many people what’s going on with me, because my trust level of others has taken a nose dive in the last few months.  I trust very few these days and most of them are family and even then advice is to be wary of everyone.  Some don’t like the truth, so there is that.

Image may contain: one or more people and textSchool is OK.  I get by but I am waiting for that spark that ignites me to pursue knowledge at a high level and I think that is starting to happen.  We shall see.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye – Crisis of Faith

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

Probably for the purpose of the future of Odin’s Eye I am going to cover three areas. Firstly, I want to cover my current state of belief in greater detail so I will have three posts one on each of the following: Deism, Humanism and Paganism.  Secondly, I want to offer my four objections to the God of the Bible in detail, so there will be  post on each of them. Thirdly, If I am reading my calendar correctly, this will take me into December as I will probably use Odin’s Eye as a sounding board around Halloween and when it falls on Thanksgiving to talk about those holidays and how I celebrate them now ending with Yule or Christmas.

Before I start all of that though, I want to talk about the nature of my Crisis of Faith and some of the foundational things that led to it. Before I begin going trough the four things I normally do in Odin’s Eye, I want to explain on an emotional level this crisis I had this past two years was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to face.  I would rate only my father’s death and the period time around my near divorce as more emotionally trying.  That said this crisis lasted over two years.  It was not an instantaneous thing and it probably led to a very vulnerable emotional state over a long period of time.  Since I have owned up to the fact I just don’t believe in Christianity anymore, it has been very welcome relief from the emotional strain.

Faith

My crisis of faith starts with the simple fact that as far as faith goes I was told to have a thinking Christianity.  That is a reasonable faith all my life.  It is interesting that my Sunday School teacher seems to at the end of her life had a similar experience as myself, but it was she who also told me that God can handle your questions and will be able to answer them or he is not God.  I was taught early on to search the Scriptures.  It was in this search I simply found eventually after forty years, questions I still do not have answers for and probably never will.  The issue though with faith is that the definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 suddenly became nonsense to me because at face reading it is nonsense. It’s simply nonsense to say that which we hope for is evidence.  Wishful thinking but not evidence.

Religion

It’s not that the religion known as Christianity hasn’t played a part as well in the crisis.  Throughout my ministry career of twenty years, I have watched people who claim Christianity, in the name of  their religion, do some pretty despicable things to each other. One of my personal objections to Christianity is the gospel doesn’t live up to the hype of personal transformation of those who claim to have been ‘saved’.  It was never the religion that appealed to me.  It was the theology.  In the end the rituals and doctrinal statements and the expectations of the religion left me empty and if anything drained me, so it offered no comfort or security to my faith.

Theology

It’s the theology really that certain questions (which I will go over in the coming weeks) that left me going – “What the hell?”  It actually started with the notion of ‘sin’ as a concept.  When I realized that there was nothing natural in the world that said certain things are inherently sinful, I began to sense a problem.  If some preacher in my childhood hadn’t come along and told me I was a sinner, I would have never had that notion in my head. Sin is simply not self-evident, nor has the God who exists (if one exists) ever come to me personally and told me I was a sinner. In a sense Christianity tells you that you have a disease (without first proving empirically that the disease exists) and then offers you a cure.  They cure a problem of their own creation.

With that understood I realized a few more things about the Bible and the god it presents. 1) The Bible has no empirical evidence that it is inspired.  It makes that claim but never proves it – you accept it on faith or you don’t. 2) The God of the Bible seems to not have a very good plan for solving the problem of sin for a supreme being.  Why doesn’t he just forgive the sin against him like he expects us to do with each other?  Nope, Instead he kills his own son!?!  3) The god of the Bible’s justice is a little suspect, especially when you consider Hell. I will go over these in the coming months so bear with me as I offer more explanations over time.

Spirituality

Through it all however, I have held on to some beliefs – Deism, Humanism and elements of what Christians would consider Pagan have survived.  I believe in Reason, Humanity and the Spiritual.  I meditate but for different reason.  Probably the weird thing still to me is I don’t pray.  To whom?  Prayer has always bothered me anyway because most of the time it is asking for things and when a prayer is ‘answered’ you never hear the end of it from those who prayed because they claim credit for the result even though they might have had very little to do with it.  I figure the supreme being of the universe either doesn’t give a fuck, gave us what we need in ourselves to handle the problem or doesn’t exist so we are on our own.  Pray is in some ways presumptuous that our problems and our value means something to the divine to the point they will act on our behalf.  If god truly is our friend its  pretty one side friendship because of the way we pray.

For me a lot of things are spiritual but how that matters is still something I exploring and learning about to see where I am and where I am going.  All of this has brought me back to a Seeker level and to be honest this spiritual wayfarer prefers to stay that way.  If the divine powers that might exist, choose to bless me or do something for me may it be because of my deeds as I walk. not because I begged them through prayer.

Basically what I am saying this involved belief in Christianity in relationship to reasonable assessment.  Nothing more and nothing less. If you think its more personal because of recent events in my life, you would be wrong.  Those have an effect on my spirituality because of the emotions involved.  But my Crisis of faith was intellectual and theological in particular.

What I want people to understand is that a crisis of faith is a serious matter.  It rips you up in ways only another person who has been through it can truly understand.  If you have never been through it, I am sorry you can’t relate but I can tell you don’t dismiss the emotions involved or the seriousness of them. It can cause deep depression that is no laughing matter.  It also shouldn’t be just dismissed for many other reasons.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Morning Routine

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day –  I actually find this one the most interesting.  We have shrunk it down to Friday which is the spelling of Frigg but we say it Fry which reflects Freya.  

My to do list still has a few things on it.

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Daily Routine
  3. Weekly Routine
  4. Bucket List

I also have some planning to do regarding weightlifting and diet.  So we all know what I will be doing today and next week.

My morning routine is about doing the daily stuff that can be done right away every day and getting myself off to a positive start.  So it involves things that wake me up and get me thinking about the things I need to think about.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals
  3. Review Bucket List
  4. Meditate on One of the Virtues
  5. Full Body Stretch
  6. Breakfast
  7. Supplements and Medicines
  8. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  9. Get Dressed for the Day

I think most of these are self-explanatory.  A few notes:

My meditation is on one of the NNV.  The reason I do this is to ponder it a little more deeply and see if I am understanding the wisdom of it a little more fully.  If there is something noteworthy, I usually write it down.

My Full Body Stretch is an every morning thing and takes about 15 minutes.  I have discovered that as I get older this is helpful in having less joint stiffness and soreness the rest of the day.

My supplements are actually a short list.  I would probably do more supplements but they are expensive and I don’t have the extra money for them right now. Mostly it’s a multivitamin, fish oil for my eyes and a joint supplement.  My medications are diabetic stuff.  No insulin yet thankfully.

Oh, the last one is getting dressed for the day.  The nice thing about having my own place now is the privacy.  It allows me to dress or not dress as I feel.  Like my father, I am comfortable in my own skin as much as I am clothed.  I just don’t see much point in getting dressed until after I take my shower.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

I am starting to be harder on myself in the right way.  I can do more and do better.  This is particularly true when it comes to school and my job.  I am definitely learning to be more disciplined in school.  Mostly I am still behind on reading.  Getting these routines more formalized is also helping things a bit in this area so it has been overall a good thing.

I am looking at all things in my life and the Morning routine is not a problem.  It’s the daily stuff I need to be doing better at.  I will talk more on this on Monday.  That’s why if I can put a thing in the morning routine I do it.  It pretty much makes sure it gets done. The Daily routines are often conditional on my daily schedule and that causes problems from time to time.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

I have had a recurring nightmare/dream that has caused me some trouble this week.  Mostly,  it involves people I used to know and care for gathering around me and mocking me and what I am trying to do.  I go to work and someone is standing nearby and yelling at me that I am worthless.  It finally culminates in me being surrounded by these people and they pick up rocks and stone me.  Right before I die, I wake up.

I put this under perseverance because dreams and nightmares like this one used to shake me but now I just kind of shrug them off.  They do trigger The Grey a little, and I have to fight through it, but thankfully my wife helps a lot with that.  Knowing she loves me when she could be a part of that crowd is a remarkable and special thing to me.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

My issue these days is not loyalty as far as if I am loyal.  My issue is what to be loyal to these days. I am loyal to my wife and family.  I know I have to prove that a lot after what has taken place, but I stand by them.  I work on being loyal to myself.  I am loyal to the friends I still have left.  Those that have turned their back on me – fine.  I let a lot of that go.  Less friends, less hassle.  Apparently their friendship didn’t include loyalty to me when I needed them the most. There are a few who have engaged in outright treachery against me.  Those?  Well, justice demands that if I ever get the chance to get justice, I will take it.  It’s not a vengeance thing, just balancing the scales if the opportunity presents itself.  Fidelity demands it.  I will remain patient and watchful.

It’s the faith thing in the gods/goddesses that is troublesome. I can loyal to the concepts of the NNV and the ideals of deism, humanism and even paganism as I define them.  I am still a seeker in that regard, so its hard to know what to be loyal to other than the principles.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Also Some Writing Notes)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

I write for therapy.  I know I gave three reasons I write yesterday but the fourth reason is personal – it is therapeutic.  When I sit down and start touching keys on this keyboard, things come into focus, they become clearer.  There is meditative aspect to my writing.  The same is true when I get up in the morning and stretch, when I am in the gym lifting weights and more recently I have rediscovered that cuddling with my wife has the same effect.  The calmness and peace are the same.  Perhaps the thoughts in my head are different but I am at peace.

This is good because I still struggle with The Grey. Depression as it is more commonly known.  It takes certain triggers and sometimes I don’t see them coming.  It’s hard for me to recognize some triggers becasue the memory they might be inflaming is something I haven’t thought about for a long time.  Other times I know I am going to have to walk The Grey for a bit becasue of what happens.  I accept certain aspects of it because when some of the triggers I know exist happen, I don’t have a lot of control over them. I walk the Grey willingly and with a lot of courage.

Right now my wife has to deal with a little moodiness from time to time.  I can’t sing her praises enough.  I have done some pretty rotten things to her and yet there she is listening.  I love that about her. I don’t get it, but I thank her for it. There are of course things we are still working on.  Mostly we both don’t want to go back to how the relationship was before.  But you still have to break old habits and create new ones.  Both these things take work.

Some blog notes.  1) I am going to start dropping all posts a 9 AM except on Sunday.  That one will still fall at 10 AM.  I have personal reasons for that.  2) This week is the first week of the schedule being the way it is going to be.  It may change but right now I think it’s going to work based on what I am writing.  3) It should be noted that I try to stay three days ahead.  The reason for this is that I find if I edit a post three times, I find far fewer mistakes.  I simply cue up the post three days ahead of time and look at it every day until it drops.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new blog. I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – Introducing ‘The Grey Wayfarer’

/ Ed Raby Sr / 2 Comments

Odin 004

A little history first about me and blogging. 

I have been blogging for long time.  I started my first blog when my kids were little and I was in my first church as a senior pastor.  Basically at the time, it was me trying to put my theological studies degree to good use as most people in the church can’t think at that kind of deep level when it comes to God. So, I started being the Rabyd Theologian which endured its 2.0 and 3.0 versions.  I found I liked to write fiction as well, particularly fantasy, urban fantasy and science fiction. So, I began to add that into the mix and I have had several blogs along that line.  I have written blogs on weightlifting, hiking and other subjects.  Very few survive to this day.  My goal with every blog is for it to be my last one because it lasts and that is true of The Grey Wayfarer as well.

My two most recent blogs I had to delete because they represented a time in my life of forbidden love, lust, anger and pure rage. They were blogs where the Wolves definitely were more in charge than the Ravens.  This comes from an expression I use that has become part of my personal canon: “It’s OK to feed the Wolves, but listen to the Ravens first.” I will be going into this expression more as time goes by on this blog. “Of Wolves and Ravens” is actually the title of my Tuesday posts which will be centered on this new philosophy and applying it to life.

Other people were also misinterpreting my writing and twisting my posts to mean things they did not. One of the most amusing was taking some of my fictional works as factual which they were not. They may have represented heart-felt fantasy but they certainly weren’t real or based on real life events.  I also commented on my personal life a lot which caused some people to be agitated because they disagreed with my observations. This all culminated in one commentator blasting me in a comment – it was bombastic with a lot of name calling. I also realize both blogs represented a chapter in my life I would wish to just close and move on to better ones. The situation was not constructive to positive change for me, so I talked with my wife and I deleted both blogs. We dealt with the person involved as a couple and so far things seem to be stable since.

The problem has been for me that without blogging my life seems very much adrift. I am struggling with school and even though my marriage seems better, I seem to be losing track of what I ultimately want for me and my marriage as well as other things. My struggles with faith have come to a standstill and several emotional issues are just not being resolved.   I am not writing about these things and so I am not making progress. Blogging has been my personal therapy for a long time and without it I am not sure what I am doing with my life. #True Story

Some have argued a private journal might be good substitute, but I have tried that before so many times and I get about a day or two into it and hate it.  I give up pretty quick and then I am stuck.  There is something about posting things on a blog and making them public that drives me to hit my deadlines and do what I need to do.  Maybe it’s ego or some desire for recognition or perhaps a kind of accountability.  Whatever it is though, it keeps me making progress, so it can’t be all bad.  The one thing I do know now after doing this for a while is that I know what kind of blog I need and one that I will stick with and keep writing posts for every day.  So without further ado – The Grey Wayfarer

The Grey Wayfarer

I have been doing this for a few blogs now where a title for a type of post becomes the title for the new blog. Or a concept from one blog inspires the next. My theology blogs became a theology tavern of sorts in All Things Rabyd.  The theology tavern concept became Raby’s Tavern (deleted).  That blog had a kind of post called The Rabyd Microphone which became a blog by the same name (also deleted).  One of the fictional series I was doing on the Rabyd Microphone was The Grey Wayfarer.  It was steeped in Norse Mythology and was an allegory of what I was going through each week.  I enjoyed writing it and to be honest the title sticks with where I think I will be the rest of my life.  I like it, so it has now become the title of this blog.

“The Grey” part has meant a lot of things over the years but in this blog its my reflection on the depression I suffer from time to time which I call ‘The Grey’.  More recently it reflects my desire to be neutral and open to all ideas and opinions.  To evaluate not as a good person or bad person but just as a human being.  Someone walking The Grey of life, so to speak.

“Wayfarer” is something I consider myself these days from a spiritual point of view, although I would love to do more real life walking and hiking as well. But mostly. I just consider myself a pilgrim and a seeker on a spiritual journey these days.  To be honest, I don’t know if I want to stop being a pilgrim or seeker. I think the moment you think you have arrived and discovered THE TRUTH is when you are blind, lost and not moving in life.  I simply wish to be the ever wandering pilgrim, ever searching for truth, knowledge and wisdom in the world.

‘The Grey Wayfarer” also reflects some of my favorite characters of fiction and mythology. Gandalf the Grey being known as the ‘The Grey Pilgrim’ for starters.  Odin from the Norse myths though is my particular inspiration as a grey pilgrim wandering the realms in search of knowledge, accompanied only by his wolves and ravens. Yes, that is the image that is the inspiration for this blog and for my life these days. Being mindful of the expression – “Not all who wander are lost”.  That includes me because more than the blog title, I consider myself ‘The Grey Wayfarer’.  I am not lost, but I do wander.

Probably the best way to get across what you will be seeing here on this blog is to give you the rundown on the schedule for the week.

Sunday – The Pagan Pulpit. I kind of miss putting together a religious service and now that I am no longer a pastor or even a Christian, I don’t get the chance.  For those of you familiar with The Rabyd Microphone before it was deleted, this will combine some elements of the original Pagan Pulpit, the Rabyd Poet and The Rabyd Record.  So it will have songs, a poem (maybe written by me), a meditation, a quote from an ancient text and a sermon with three points. Kind of just an inspiration to start your week, if you’re a deistic humanist pagan like me.

Monday – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues. – A discussion on the Virtues of Honor, Courage and Truth.  Much like the journal posts of the past although I have dropped the idea of roles and now will be focused on virtues setting my goals instead.  I consider these three of the Nine Noble Virtues to be foundational and merit that kind of discussion.

Tuesday – “Of Wolves and Ravens” –  Basically taking an issue and examining from the standpoint of the Wolves (Need and Want) and the Ravens (Thought and Memory).  A philosophical post basically looking at issues and hopefully generating more light than heat.

Wednesday – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues. – Much like Foundational Virtues but a discussion on the virtues of Self-Reliance, Industriousness, and Hospitality.

Thursday – “Odin’s Eye” –  I am a trained and educated Biblical Scholar and Theologian.  A retired pastor with 20 years experience.  What to do with that now that I am not a Christian or a pastor?  I am going to write on four subjects each week with this post – faith, religion, theology and spirituality.  Part of this will be me working though my personal struggles with religion and faith.  The rest we will see each week what happens.

Friday – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues. – Like Foundational Virtues and Business Virtues but dealing with the virtues of Discipline, Perseverance and Fidelity.

Saturday – The Grey Wayfarer – My one fictional element of this blog because I need to write fiction. This is an allegorical fantasy serial story of a man from the modern world who finds himself in most extraordinary circumstances.  The idea will be to reflect on the Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) in a different way as well as get my creative juice flowing.  It will be steeped in Norse mythology, so that should be fun as well.

The Rabyd Skald – This is a post much like The Microphone was on The Rabyd Microphone – it can drop at any time and can be on anything.  It’s basically a catch-all if something doesn’t fit into the weekly routine. Most posts will drop at 10 AM.  This one could be anytime.

This weekly routine will start on October 7th.  Before that I will be doing all three A Skald’s Life posts to set my goals from October 2nd through 4th.  On October 5th, I will do the first installment of Odin’s Eye to kind of set off where my struggle with faith and religion currently is at; as well as recap briefly how I got to this point. On October 6th, I will introduce The Grey Wayfarer fiction serial.  After that the normal schedule will commence.

Now, one final word on the nature of these posts and the blog as a whole.  This is new blog, and while it has at its roots the substance of the old blogs and its trunk is hopefully all the aspects of what makes good writing, it is its own tree, so to speak. Where its main branches, tributaries and twigs end up is anyone’s best guess. I have come to the belief that the best blogs are a good blend of organization (pruning) and organic growth (freedom). You never know down which branch the best flowers and fruits will be discovered.  A balance of reasonable inquiry and creative discovery is what I am going for here.

A word on feedback – I welcome it as long as its constructive.  I welcome comments, likes and even criticism.  Name calling; however, is never accepted.  I have in the past, once I cleared a particular commentator, let people comment away; because I trusted they had a basic understanding of manners and respect of others’ opinion including mine.  Recent events have caused me to institute a complete approval of every comment instead now.  Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause, but you can also follow my page on Facebook and comment there.  I might edit any comment too, so be advised.  This is my blog and I will protect and honor those who respect that fact.  Otherwise, be prepared to be silenced, censored or even blocked.  I welcome opinions, not being an asshole.  You can cuss and swear ( I certainly will do so from time to time including the f-bomb) just don’t make it personal.  This is an adult blog as far as content and expectations of how people will comment on it.

Oh, one last thing (really this time).  New signature:

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!