Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day.
This is not a ‘The Grey and The Wayfarer’ post. It is more of a reflection on how The Grey affects and has affected my spiritual life over the years. In the beginning, I think the grey was caused by guilt from not living up to a religious standard that was impossible to live up to. Always wanting to please God and falling woefully short. If you add in an abusive babysitter (mentally and sexually), then you get a mix of other issues. Deaths of significant male figures in my life – both my grandfathers and then my father before I was 30 thrown in and then you get a lot of reasons to fight depression and The Grey that comes with it.
The grey is not so much depression as the result of when I have to shut my emotions down to cope with the heavy feelings that come with it. The Grey is something I would call a chosen numbness in order to not feel the pain of sadness and loss. Very few people understand it and those that do get my attention because it means they care a great deal about me or at least want to know me enough.
As my history of the last few years involved my loss of religious spirituality, I have come to know a different kind of spirituality to cope with The Grey, one that still involves meditation and connections. Just not of the imaginary variety anymore.
Time to Look Through the Eye:
“To see the truth, change one eye for another”
I reflect on connections the most because it has been on the one hand these connections that are often the most effective in getting me out of both depression and The Grey. They also have made the most vulnerable to being hurt some more and giving me more cause to experience depression triggers and thus more of The Grey. Miss Salty was the latest of these, she seemed to know what to say every time and then when she left me I felt so betrayed that it hurt very badly for a long time. Still does. I often simply have to find a way to counterbalance things with other coping strategies at that point. Meditation on the virtues helps in a spiritual manner in this regard, but so has throwing off the imaginary sky dad and it is ‘all going to be better bye and bye’ bullshit.
Relationships are helpful to the coping with the Grey, but I find them so mysterious at times as far as trust, loyalty and so forth. I trust even less these days. I find new friendships difficult at best and nearly impossible with some people. I wish i could find my way past this as they are often the best things for me in dealing with The Grey. I jsut live so far from my friends and this needs to change if I am going to make any headway in the ‘friends for me’ department.
I have the simple act of living the virtues under spirituality and they work for me many more times than not. I just find them growing a little more tedious because I use them so often, but habits have that tedious aspect to them at some point when developing them. These are no exceptions.
I want obe much better, but certain times of the year and certain situations come up so often that The Grey is inevitable. I fight it but I wish very much I didn’t have to. Most people want me to be just over it. I simply know my soul will always weep and I will walk the grey in the rain fo my tears. I know this is my path probably the rest of my life, but I do find that the joys of spirituality in my atheist mindset have been the most helpful to getting the clouds to go away more often and with more sunshine.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.