Happy Sol’s Day!
As I approach the New Year there is a lot of for lack of a better word -‘fear”. I know seeing I meditate often on the virtue of Courage, fear seems to not be in line with the virtue but courage is not so much the absence of fear, but the ability to look at uncertainty and the fear it can bring and say ‘fuck it’. I just need to look at 2020 in the light of opportunity despite risk rather than not taking the risk.
The Grey for the last two weeks or so is my constant anxious feelings about the situation. Nothing major, just the constant nagging buzz of the flies of failure, struggle for something better and still the nag of a broken heart which I thought would be better by now. On top of all that I can feel myself doing the same things over and over again expecting different results – most notably continuing to do what I do to make everyone happy and yet I feel restless and sad a lot. I need a change of job and location. I can feel it, The Wayfarer needs to move. Literally and figuratively.
I am torn because here I am again trying not to hurt anyone while hurting myself at the same time. I can’t’ seem to find a win-win and this bothers me that there might not be one. If I am going to win for myself, I may very well have to hurt some other people to do so. I hate this conflict of not trusting people but at the same time not wanting to hurt them. I wish sometimes I had the capacity to get over hurting others but such is the fate of empaths. You feel the pain you cause as well as your own and that is what truly sucks.
I would like 2020 to be a good year where I find a new job, start moving toward prosperity and then also start being at peace with myself. I want to heal in the coming year, but all I can see his more pain and injury either way. I don’t know. Mostly I just need a better job somewhere else.
I will be posting the epilogue to Space Tramp tomorrow and the final two posts for Rogue Wizard on New Year’s Eve. Starting Woden’s Day I will be back to the regular schedule as this blog will truly become more of a journal blog than anything else. I really need to free my time for other writing, reading, looking for a job, etc.
I hope sometime in early January to start my Youtube Channel but that depends on how quickly I can learn what I need to learn and I do need to learn some things.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.