Depression

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Realigning Discipline

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Discipline is a very interesting word as it defines a lot of different things. Mostly in this context it is doing the things that need to be done every day to achieve the goals you want to achieve. When coupled with perseverance, it is an unstoppable force to getting where you want to go.  I was recently browsing through Barnes and Noble in the business section and found that there were at least ten books on discipline and many others where discipline is a key element among a very few.

For me discipline expresses itself in routines and doing things when they need to be done. The issues for me; most of the time, are procrastination and The Grey.  In any case though the one thing that keeps me moving forward the most is discipline and both those opposing problems are overcome by discipline.

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

I don’t really have a problem with this virtue as it is written. In fact, it is one of the best definitions of discipline I know.

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Don’t really have a problem with the principle either. It has kept me thinking on the issue of connecting my life to discipline.  No the real issue is the goal and bucket list item. Both have to be self oriented and connected with discipline. I originally thought my weightlifting would be a good fit, but in truth while this can be hard at times, it is not the self-discipline I struggle with the most.  No, that belongs to Nutrition.  At the same item as I looked at the other goals and bucket list items, weightlifting does not fit anywhere else all that well. I realize the whole issue of health fits here as it is the most easily seen thing where discipline leads to results but at the same time.  The weightlifting, nutrition and walking all are part of this taking charge of my body and living healthy as possible. So which to choose.

This is the point in the realignment that I realized that a complete rewrite of some goals and bucket list items might be needed to make this realignment a reality. I also looked at my goals and bucket list items and realized some just straight up don’t work anywhere.  This is particularly true for the bucket list.  So what goal to set and what bucket list item to pursue? It also becomes clear at this point that may goals I have currently are not that SMART. Goals should also have a singular point not be multifaceted.  Simplicity here is key.

Goal: To follow A FULL Paleo Diet Plan from April 1, 2019 to March 31, 2020.

Nutrition is by far the most challenging thing for me and it is time I take in on full speed.  This gives me the rest of March to prepare.  I also can start to look at what items I can eat and drink.  Mostly, what I see is eliminating dairy and the other items in my diet that I need to purge. Coming up with Paleo alternatives is going to be the real challenge and I hope a fun one.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Smoke a Joint, Get Drunk, Visit a Nudist Resort. I haven’t decided yet. Something along those lines.  My tattoos are not on this list because they will be connected with Perseverance. The idea is to plan an act of rebellion and execute it. Live life a little as a reward for successful discipline.  Something undisciplined to counter all the discipline.

One other thing.  This realignment thing has pointed out that I can streamline the A Skald’s Life posts. I can do this by including the specific goal and bucket list item under each Virtue as well as the principle.  This would allow me to consider them together.  I will start this process next week.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

I think I have spoken enough on this today, but there will be changes to the routines that reflect all this.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

As I said my tattoos will probably be here as the Bucket List Item. The goal might have to involve exercise.  I do two things for this Walking and Weightlifting. How to couple these into one exercise program. Stretching fits in here too. Something that involves a complete exercise program is what I am thinking.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Still thinking on this one but it involves relationships so my marriage. family and friends come to mind.  Mostly though I think both the goal and bucket list will be about my wife and I.  It may involve family and friends but it is going to focus on the two of us. I have some ideas but I will keep them to myself for now.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

The wisdom of all this realignment is centered on two principles – minimalism and simplicity. The goal is a more streamlined system of working the virtues out in my life that is simple.  So the effort required is much less. I want o achieve my goals as efficiently as possible and that involves making the pursuit less time-consuming and yet remaining effective.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 2

The decision to go full Paleo Diet and next weeks exercise changes will involve some rewriting of the routine here.  I am hoping it will make these things more likely to get done.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

Still need an effective trigger here. But also look at the idea of beating diabetes so the first one just says supplements.

Nutrition:

Full Paleo by April 1st.  Means doing some homework and dumping some things from my diet. I still think a cheat meal once a week is a good idea. Keeps you from going completely bonkers with cravings.

Weekly Recap:

The weekly recap is going to change because I think I can divide what I normally do here among the three A Skald’s Life posts as well. But a weekly recap is still needed on Friday but it might be where I keep my Goal and Bucket list Counts as well as have a more general feelings about the week and what needs work.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – Realigning Honor

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

The next three weeks are about aligning my virtues to principles; principles to goals and goals to bucket list.  Also there are the Routines that will need to be altered as I go along to reflect any changes.  There are going to be changes. So for the next nine A Skald’s Life posts, I am going to be engaged in this process of realignment. To do this I am going to state the Virtue and the edit the principle involved, then edit, recreate or create the goal and bucket list items that go with the virtue and principle.

Once this process is complete for each virtue, you should see the changes reflected in the future A Skald’s Life posts.  I also have Routines to alter as a go along which will reflect this.  My meditation guide I use will be changed.  There are odd ducks like Weightlifting and Nutrition.  This is why I chose a longer and more thoughtful route. If only the first Virtue wasn’t one of the most difficult. Honor.

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

I will not alter this virtue as I think it is very solidly written and I have no confusion in understanding it. As I created the principle to guide this last time, the challenge was thinking positively about myself and my future.  I simply stated the Principle as: “Be positive about my future”.  I am not sure this lines up anymore.  True, honor involves looking at yourself in the mirror in a positive light but there is more to it than just being positive but it is central to honor. The goal needs to reflect this as well as the bucket list item.

Principle: To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

I look at the goal list and really I can’t find anything that relates directly to honor.  Other than to look at the goal of blogging every day for a year. Why?  Because as I look at the central element of honor it is to possess it continually and that involves a journey and this blog is about my journey as The Grey Wayfarer.  It is the closest of the current goals without rewriting them.  I suppose in many respects this journey I am on has Honor as central to it purpose.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

One of the first observations I can make about my bucket list is there is some repetition. Part of the goal will be to edit it in such a way as to eliminate that.  That said, if the journey is about honor then there is a current item on my list that fits and would not only be a cool thing to do but quite symbolic as well.

Bucket List Item: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

If part of my quest for honor is the journey then a bucket list item that is about a journey seems to fit and would probably when I do it be very symbolic of getting to a certain point where I feel honor is being achieved.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others. ‘

The principle is a little longer but it is the complicated subject of honor. My constant journey toward it is chronicled in this blog and the bucket list item now has a goal that is symbolic and something I really want to do. No when i meditate on Honor, the goal and bucket list item will motivate me a little better.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Of all my virtues and principles, I feel when I get to this one, I will find I will edit this one the least. The concern here is the goal and bucket list.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

I think the principle here will need a major revision. The goal might be clearer as well as the bucket list item actually unless the revision of the Principle changes it.  For me educating yourself whether formally or informally is about the quest for truth. So right now it might be about finishing my degree and learning a language. Learning a language might fit here as it is symbolic of education and learning truth.  Latin would probably fit best the notion of being a scholar and symbolize this Virtue the best.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Honor, Courage and Truth all need to be aligned with love.  But in this case by pursuing these three, I think love will be woven like a tapestry from these three threads. There is a symbiotic relationship I am looking for her where love is expressed in Honor toward myself, acts of Courage for the ones I love and Truth toward others. This new alignment should make the higher virtue of Love clearer and more easily expressed.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation
  4. Full Body Stretch
  5. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  6. Get Dressed for the Day

I don’t anticipate any changes here at all.  Except as the Principles, Goals and Bucket List change, my review and meditation will shift in focus and nature.

Bucket List:

  1. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
  2. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
  3. Get My Tattoos.
  4. Actually Get Drunk.
  5. Smoke a Joint.
  6. Write My Novel.
  7. Learn Latin.
  8. Learn Hungarian.
  9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.

Ass March goes on, I will change this every week. Mostly you will see items shift position to line up with their virtue as the hike goal is now number 1.  As I said before, I see some repetition of idea.  Learning Latin and Hungarian could be merged.  Getting Drunk and Smoking a Joint could be merged.   This would open it up for a few new items and that requires me to sit back and ask: “What do I want to do?”  This might be the fun element of this realignment and it is probably the thing that excites me most about this process right now.

Weightlifting:

I need to get a job that pays better so that I can know where I am going to be for the foreseeable future so I can join a gym and afford it.  In the meantime, I am thinking a couple 25 lbs. dumbbells might be a good investment as I can do a lot of things with them at home.  Walking is going to be available as Spring actually springs too. The thought of getting physically active again excites me and I know is one of my major defenses against The Grey.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – The Book of Rabyd 1:5 -“Everyone Has the Right to Property”

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day:

Announcements: 

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: “Mr. Roboto” – Styx

I was joking this week with my daughter about using this song as a song about my grandson Otto.  All I would have to do is change the words a little to make this song about him.  That said, this actually is a pretty cool song made for a rock opera that dealt with dystopian future where rock and roll as well as other forms of free expression are outlawed.  Styx always was very good and their vocalist has a ton of range in this one.

Poem: “The Storm” by Edward W. Raby, Sr.:

Image result for odin wanderer storm

Wind, grey skies and pouring rain.

The Storm rages in my soul.

Fed by my inner pain.

Will I ever be whole?

Lightning flashes

Thunder rolls

I tighten my grip on the staff of my reality

Knowing only the treading of my feet

Boots grinding through grey mud

Soaked in sorrow, but my heart closed

Numb to the cold of The Grey

I struggle onward, not daring to feel

Lest my tears join the flood

And drown me in the rising tide.

I walk with the hope of seeing sunlight

I walk with the hope of feeling love

But right now, I feel nothing

So I will survive.

Soon, the wolf within will rise

The ravens will caw again

when the light breaks through.

Then I will laugh,

Once again I have become the storm

And I have become stronger

Note: This is still in rough draft form, but it is good enough I think to at least post it.  It needs refining but I like how it captures my struggles with depression at times. I will probably present this poem in it own post when it is more refined.

Meditation:

Image may contain: 1 person, text that says 'WHEN THINKING ABOUT LIFE, REMEMBER: NO AMOUNT OF GUILT CAN SOLVE THE PAST, AND NO AMOUNT OF ANXIETY CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE THEMINDUNLEASHED UNLEASHED'

Song of Preparation: “It’s My Life” – Bon Jovi

Text: 

Everyone has the Right to Property – The Book of Rabyd 1:5

Sermon:

This is a new verse for the Book of Rabyd.  Most people don’t realize that the original Declaration of Independence had originally ‘life. liberty and property’.  Later editing changed it to the pursuit of happiness.  But the idea of the inherent right to property to anyone who owns it is something that has not always been recognized in history.  That changed with the Founding fathers as the notion of people having a right to translate their right to pursue their happiness.  As Ayn Rand wisely pointed out this means the right to property.

I would argue that this right is what defends the others as well.  Your Life. liberty and Pursuit of Happiness are yours and now one should be allowed to take them away from you.  This means you also have the right to defend what is yours.  But ownership of property being a right extends to all things that are yours.  The most important of which is ownership of self.  Self-ownership means to take responsibility for yourself and your own destiny instead of leaving in the hands of others.  You need to exercise your right to own private property to do this.

I often wonder if those who try to attack this right realize that what they are doing allows people to basically take away all the others. If my life is not mine, if my liberty is only granted and can be taken away, if my pursuit of happiness requires that someone else give it to me, then they are not rights but privileges.  The right to property is what brings in this concept of ownership of not only my stuff but my rights.

To think otherwise is to have the mentality of the thief and the societal leach. I make no apologies for saying this.  I people have the notion that other people don’t have a right to property, then they are perfectly OK with the notion that such property can be taken away. They also have no problem when people have their property taken from hem through taxation so they can be supported.  In short they envision people can think and work but the results in part belong to them even though they have done nothing to earn them. This justifies their stealing it or letting others do it for them.

See the source image

So we turn again to abortion.  The seeming conflict is that the woman has her right to liberty and pursuit what will make her happy.  The notion being that the fetus is her body and she owns it so she can dispose of it as she sees fit. The opposite side of the coin is that the child has he right to live and pursuit its happiness by living. The real issue is it possible for one person to really own another and I would say that there is some inherent ownership of ones’ self in such a right to property.

For me the question of abortion has long been a sticky one.  As a Christian I had pretty clear guidelines, but it was still troubling at times.  Mostly because reality is that natural abortion happens all the time and with far more frequency than people think.  Most are never known to even exist.

Post-Christian, the issues now falls to whether the fetus is a person.  If not, the nit has no right to ownership of self and all the other rights that go with that.  If yes, then he/she does and they have those rights. I am not sure I can answer the question definitively at this point but I still maintain that liberty and life are important in equal measure.  I hope the choice is life, because I consider abortion a waste of human potential, if nothing else.

The real question for me is should the state be allowed to interfere?  Once again we are still left to determining when a person becomes a person and the answer seems clear. Given all our rights and the notion of self-ownership, if the fetus can be proven to be a person then the answer is yes, but if not we still find ourselves in a controversy.  It seems with all the advances in science, we should be able to determine this. Then the right to property with its concept of self-ownership kicks in.  This still doesn’t give us a clear answer but we have two more principles left so we shall see.

Closing Song: Amen – Halestorm:

Parting Thought:

Image may contain: text that says 'THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GET UPSET ABOUT YOU SETTING BOUNDARIES ARE THE ONES WHO WERE BENEFITING FROM YOU HAVING NONE. POBYMAC#SPEAKLFE'

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Eating the Elephant

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I looked at the task of aligning my Virtues, Principles, Goals and Bucket List I realized this is and elephant sized task.  It is not just these things that need to be looked at but also the Routines and other associated items that go with everything. So I looked at the calendar and realized I have nine Skald’s Life posts left after this one in the month of March.

If I am going to take this one bite at a time then I think the answer has presented itself in that I can take one virtue on at a time with its associated Principle, Goal and Bucket List Item.  There are certain Routines associated with each type of Skald’s Life so can deal with them one at a time for three weeks as well. The plan is:

Week of March 10th to 16th: Honor, Self-Reliance, Discipline

Week of March 17th to 23rd: Courage, Industriousness, Perseverance

Week of March 24th to 30th: Truth, Hospitality, Fidelity

Of course the end of this week, which started out very well, began to have major The Grey issues.  This started Wooden’s Day at work and pretty much is still going.  So there is a real necessity to keep going right now to keep this depression thing from dominating my birthday or the celebrations of the birthday’s of others. There is just too much at stake right now for The Grey to slow me down.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

It all comes down to discipline at times. It is either that or Courage. I guess discipline is that which you do when you are at peace to prepare for war.  Courage is what you need in war.  So I find myself alternating on my bad days between the two.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

I guess I can say that there might be an observation that perseverance is the product of this alternation between Discipline and Courage.  I mean, I should talk more about how the virtues overlap.  I guess I do that with the Higher Virtues in a sense.  Honor Courage and Truth being center to Love, etc. Every once in a while though you see a connection between say Honor and Fidelity.  Those should be noted when I see them.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

The loyalty thing to folk and friends are good.  I mean these I would perceive as pretty solid and for the most part strong.  I am struggling right now with two aspects of this virtue. 1) Being loyal to myself.  I mean a half a year ago there were certain things I wanted for me and I still feel like I am struggling to get there.  I feel at times I am still the pastor in mentality, where I give up something I need or want, so someone else can benefit.  I suppose old habits die-hard and all that, but if I am going to be loyal to myself my goals and bucket list have to focus on loyalty to myself.  Otherwise this has all been for nothing. 2)  “One’s Gods and Goddesses”  – yeah, who or what are they? Does my Deism, Humanism and Paganism count as this? Yeah, there are a lot of unanswered questions on that part. The thing I am most loyal to philosophically is the Nine Noble Virtues, so perhaps this isn’t a problem really. All that then is really missing is the personification. 🙂 I just need to figure out how this part works.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

In wisdom, it is wise to consider one’s mortality. I know I consider mine every birthday.  I always ask at some point how many more birthdays do I have left?  It is not really being morbid. It’s just being wise.  On the one hand one should like each day like it is his or her last.  One the other hand, you should plan like you are going to live forever. So each day is lived like it is your last with greater purpose.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 2

The real problem with this routine is not desire.  Gods I want to lift so bad again, but until I know where I am going to be with my next job, the gym is not an option.  Perhaps a simple bench and few dumbbells would hold me over but my bucket list requires some barbells and significant weight. Walking without proper winter gear is not an option right now either.  I keep them on the list though because it reminds me that they need to return as quickly as possible,  Writing is still a struggle but Cleaning is not.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

Toughest routine to remember to do. Need my daily list or I would forget it. Even with the list I forget it at times.

Nutrition:

Went back to two cheat meals a week and two carb sources a day.  This seems to work the best and it keeps me leaned out.  I think with this in place, I can fine tune things a little at a time until I get where I truly want it to be.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational –  I don’t know, The Grey really clouded things here this week.  I had to trust my instincts a little more when it came to some things. Honor is the hardest thing when you are depressed.

Business – Finding a new job with better pay is getting pivotal to not only the future prosperity of my wife and myself.  It is becoming critical for me as far as value. My own sense of personal value is starting to feel the need for it.

Self –  Writing on Tyr’s Day about Fidelity was particularly emotional taxing. I think this set me up to be triggered when some thing were said by certain people ,and it caused a Grey Storm to start. I know what a lot of my triggers are, but sometimes I don’t know what form they will take or sometimes there are new ones I never considered. I suppose it is the catch twenty-two of depression.  You have to talk about the past to deal with it, but sometimes by doing that you open the door to it.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Of Wolves and Ravens – Fidelity – Noble Vulnerability

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Discussion:

I always approach the subject of fidelity with a little trepidation. One the one hand, I have not been the most loyal of husbands in the very recent past.  Having an affair kind of undercuts your credibility when it comes to lecturing anyone on the subject of fidelity.  On the flip side, while I don’t recommend doing it this way, the lessons about fidelity I have learned from others and myself during that time were quite profound. So no lecture from me.  I don’t have the moral authority here to tell you how to be loyal and show fidelity, but I do have a testimony here of some of the things I observed and learned that might help someone.  That is if you are willing to listen before the shit hits the fan for you.

Before I begin though I want to share something my wife sent me on Sunday.  When I saw this I told her thank you and that I loved her.  What she couldn’t see, because it was sent via Messenger was the tears rolling down my face. I have no idea how she loves me so much.  I just do not get it.  She is the best example of fidelity I know.

I suppose that is the first observation I can make.  That just because you are in the midst of being disloyal to someone, it doesn’t mean that they will automatically switch to being disloyal to you.  That is the high road if you ask me.  It is a rare person who can maintain fidelity to you while you are walking away from them.  When you discover this, it can be a soul wrenching moment. I don’t recommend testing people’s loyalty to you this way, but it is very revealing who really loves you and continues to love you even when you are not being the most loyal person yourself.

I also can share the tale of two friends.  I had two friends I would have considered very close at the time. Now, I want people to understand that as disloyal as I was to my wife at the time, I had this thing about loyalty to my friends and family that was still very strong. It was my marriage that was a problem to me at the time as well as my faith, but I would have marched through hell for my friends and family.

Not all the other relationships were problematic to me. I was actually depending on them to kind of get me through the crisis I was having at the time.  One friend proved that his lifelong fidelity was true. He stuck by me, confronted me and loved me no matter what.  He even kept a few secrets, although I knew he wanted to say something.  I will give the man this, loyalty, that is fidelity runs through his veins like blood.  He still remains my truest friend and for that I will be forever grateful.

The other who was a friend for almost a decade. He, on the other hand, deliberately set me up to look like I was trying to hide the affair to my congregation, and then came out and told the story himself to pass himself off as the ‘noble hero’.  You find out who your real friends are in crisis moments and I never saw that one coming.  I trusted him and that ended that day. I discovered very quickly that this person’s definition of friendship includes in his loyalty clause – “only if you agree with me and are useful to me.”  He threw our relationship away as easily as tossing a piece of paper into the trash.

This was because I had become a liability to him and I was no longer useful to him. He not only abandoned me, but he had to kick me when I was down in his self-righteous sanctimonious arrogance.  I will never trust him again.  Even my wife, who had the greatest reason to do so, didn’t try to destroy me when I was walking away and hurting.  This man did. He has nothing but my contempt now and anyone who trusts his friendship or loyalty is a fool.

My tale of two friends demonstrates fidelity in one and its lack in the other. In the end the first friend helped me see the light and the other just has contributed to my darkness.  When you see a friend struggling, even with their own loyalty to someone, you don’t demonstrate fidelity and help them by being a disloyal prick yourself.

I suppose I have to say one other thing.  Fidelity isn’t as black and white as people like to make it out to be.  Sometimes you don’t know who to be loyal to at all.  Sometimes you have to be loyal to a couple of people who are having problems with each other.  There is a world of mines in this minefield you have to tiptoe around. Relationships can be toxic or one-sided. That is because I have also learned that fidelity is the strongest thing in the world when it is right.  It is also the most fragile and explosive thing when it goes wrong.  Handle with care.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

Needs (Geri):

I have come to understand how much I need loyalty in my life. Not just people to be loyal to me but how being loyal makes me a better person.  Oddly enough, I have been loyal to some of the people, even the above unfaithful friend, since all this happened. There is a professionalism to the ministry I maintain out of loyalty and respect for helping others and for people’s privacy.  So I have a lot of confidences that were entrusted to me, that I still keep.  I know a lot of things that could be damaging to others, but I keep them to myself out of fidelity.  I refuse to be the same person my other friend was, that just because these relationships may have philosophical differences with me, or no longer have any use, I will not be a disloyal prick and reveal those secrets to damage people.

Wants (Freki):

If I want anything right now, it is to strengthen my own loyalty to those who have proven loyal to me. I don’t know any other way to demonstrate my appreciation and respect for these people than to do this.  I want a small group of friends that fidelity is strong both ways.  I think I have a few. But I need a few more.  I also want to get over the fear of making new friends, as new relationships cause me a little of the ‘who can a trust’ syndrome based on past experience. I want to get over that while remembering not everyone who says they are your friend is one, they only prove that with actions not words.

Reason (Huginn):

When I think about this rationally, Loyalty is difficult to intellectualize.  It is much more something soul felt than rationalized. At the same time, I can see rationally that without it I won’t go forward.  I just wont.

Wisdom (Muninn):

If experience teaches wisdom, then this last year is has a taught me the wisdom of fidelity. I can’t even put to words all the things I have learned.  I guess I can say this mostly though.  If you’re having a problem in your relationship with your significant other, the place you need to talk about it is with the other person. I also understand there are problems of pain and depression that keep you from doing this at times, so you have my empathy if you can’t.  I get it.  But if you can find a way, do it.  It is far better to mend the fence than have to build a new one. Fidelity demands that.

Conclusion:

I know I have little in the way of strength here at times.  I am gaining new understandings of this virtue known as fidelity all the time.  I really don’t see it as my weakest area and even last year going though my marriage issues, I still maintained fidelity with friends, family and others despite the fact it was strained in a couple of areas. One of those areas was my marriage and it is very much on the mend.  The other was my faith and like my friend who betrayed me, I think I will say that this separation in relationship will be permanent. The real struggle now is to keep searching and walking to find the truth when it comes to faith and spirituality.  But that is what this while blog is about.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – Higher Calling

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

If I struggle with anything  since departing from Christianity, it is my loss of a sense of ‘higher calling’. I mean religion in general feeds into this ego we all have a higher purpose, that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘God loves you, so you are special’ and ‘Everyone has a higher calling’. Since throwing off such notions, I have come to the notion that these things are not the product of simple existence. If I want to have a sense of ‘higher calling’ and want experience a sense of purpose, I have to create it myself. I don’t get these things by the fact my mother gave birth to me.  My existence does not make it so.

The Foundational Virtues really help with this.  I live my life to have a sense of honor.  To do that I must face the truth of things with courage. The Viking notion of living your life bravely at every moment is something I strive for because I can see it is a very ‘realistic’ higher calling.  It is not completely based on the idea of and afterlife, but also the notion of being a better person day by day. That is something I can cling to as a higher calling.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – Be positive about my future

As I approach my 50th birthday (3 weeks from today), I look back at a half a century of life. Honestly, there has been good, bad and ugly in it. I feel in some respect some of those years were a waste of time. If I want any feeling that day; it is that despite all the bad, ugly and waste of time now.  I have a sense of personal honor within that nothing can shake.  A feeling of a positive future and to see the good in myself and to look positively to what life I have left to live.  To see the good in myself and others around me like my family and my remaining friends would make the last 50 years worth it.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

The future for me is an interesting concept.  Whatever end I might face, I want it to be said that I faced it with courage.  To be known as a person who does the right thing always and that is part of my character.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.

Honesty is a double edge sword.  It cuts through the lies, but it also can cut your own soul at times. If there is a part of my higher purpose to be lived it is to be pursuing what is true.  Trying to be a person that finds it and then uses it to live better.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love is a new a different concept to me. It is about honor, courage and truth far more than feelings of calling. Trying to do the honest, brave and respectful thing every time is a challenge, but it is a calling of sorts.  One that I place on myself.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
  2. Review Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation
  4. Full Body Stretch
  5. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  6. Get Dressed for the Day

Been pretty much a challenge at times.  Something is going on right now that gets my thoughts racing in a lot of directions when I get up in the morning; it makes it hard to focus even with meditation.  Might be a different form of The Grey.  I just know I need to refocus as I went from hoping I could have a perfect week with this to something far less than I was even doing. First time in a while the morning routine has been a problem. Need to redouble my efforts.

Bucket List:

  1. Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
  2. Get My Tattoos.
  3. Actually Get Drunk.
  4. Smoke a Joint.
  5. Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
  6. Write My Novel.
  7. Learn Latin.
  8. Learn Hungarian.
  9. Weightlifting – Bench 225 lbs, Squat 315 lbs, and Deadlift 405 lbs.

As I look at this list there are a lot of things that could be done very quickly if I had the monetary resources to do them.  It still keeps coming back to finding a better job and that needs to be a priority along with getting my internship done.

Weightlifting:

This week was one of those week I really missed the iron in my life. I miss the simplicity of doing a deadlift or leg presses.  It was also kind of depressing to think about my old gym being basically gone. I put so much time there, in that place, that was productive and now it’s just a memory.  I need that feeling back of progress and productivity and there was no place like the gym to get it.  I need to either have that or something at home that will do that too.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – The Path to Self-Fulfillment

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

I find walking to be fulfilling.  In that regard, I think the path I choose in life should also be fulfilling.  I never want to be in the position I was before asking: “What do I get out of this?”, and not have a positive answer.  I don’t believe this is selfish, so much as it is self-preservation.  Perseverance requires something within to stand back up and keep going.  Something has to feed that.  We do things that either feed that or drain it. When we are drained, we can do some very dumb things to find peace and happiness.  I speak from experience.

Putting it together then as I stand at a crossroads o fork in road as life’s wayfarer, I guide my decisions based on these there criteria. Does this path lead to Virtue, does this path lead to Success and does this path lead to Self-fulfillment.  If the path has a yes to all three of those, it is likely one I should take, More often than that I find that either 1) Many paths meet this three-fold requirement and then other factors come in or 2) none of them meet all three, so I pick the one that has the most, and then hope for a choice down the road that is better.

At the end of the day, I simply want to look back at my choices as say they followed virtue, lead to success and were fulfilling personally.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

I still keep looking to make discipline more and more of my life. Getting past the times of The Grey is simply easier when I do things automatically.  I am however making a major change in that I am working on the idea that all my steps and routines must be done as much as possible before I can take a break or do something I enjoy.  The greatest challenge I face is to take a break from things, and then not have the discipline to return.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

I guess the feeling I have here is like a hiker who has hiked through as storm and now looks back from the hill and sees that storm behind him.  It doesn’t mean that there are not more storms ahead, but there is some satisfaction in looking at what I survived. Then you look forward in new strength and keep going forward.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

It is times of the Storm that challenge you in regards to fidelity.  There is tension between loyalty to ones self, and loyalty to those who have been loyal to you.  Some how you have to be loyal to yourself and do what you need to do for you, but at the same time not forget those who have been loyal to you.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Virtue, Success, and Self-fulfillment.  Sounds like the path of wisdom to me.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 0

#1 and #3 are still on hold until the weather improves and I get a better job that can allow me to afford the gym again.   I have an idea for writing that will probably start me down that path more consistently.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

The evening routine is the most challenging of all of them. This is because I have to wait to the end of the day for it to happen and by that time The Grey might basically be motivating me to just go to bed.

Nutrition:

I am definitively have troubles with the zeros.  I don’t think this is a level I will stay at.  The one that worked and was most comfortable and successful was two cheat meals a week and two carb sources a day.  After my birthday, it is where I will probably camp for a while. The one thing I can say is the diet has kept my weight and fitness level stable despite no walking or the gym.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational –  I feel better here.  I don’t like thinking about the past because it is a bummer.  It is sometimes unavoidable.  That said, thinking about a more positive future for myself and my wife has been a good way to move on. Virtue has been the key there.

Business – Success and defining it have been very helpful this week.

Self –  Need to remember me.  Self loyalty is a must.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues – The Path to Success

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day. 

Journal Entry:

So if there is a compass direction; as far as career direction at this point, it is business with writing on the side. I may still in older age settle down to teaching in a college or university setting; passing on what I know to future generations, but I need to build a new career first. Business suits me because I have long-held the Sam Walton notion that business is about people and ideas (mostly vision), not necessarily money,  My twenty years in the ministry definitely gives me the people skills and my education definitely puts me in the position of ideas.

Writing?  Well I am writer.  A blogging fantasy writer that has yet to get anything published except a single letter in a magazine a long time ago.  Made fifty bucks.  I get writing could be classified as a hobby with me, but It could be a good side career or main career if things really started to get going.  It is never too late with writing as Mary Jackson observed:

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, text

I start with the path of virtue which will hopefully lead to the path of success.  I think a business career; with writing as something I work at because I love it already, is a good option for me.

Self-Reliance:

“Self Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual, but also for the family, clan, tribe and nation.”

Principle: Work to be self-reliant in all things.

I just want to wake up in the morning knowing my basic needs will be met and I am at least slowly but surely heading down the path to getting some of the things I want. I don’t want to worry about survival at all. I just want to be in a state of mind that can plan how to build things.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with enjoyment of work itself.

The means of course is work and what helps is when you enjoy work itself. Where you can learn new ways of being more efficient is also enjoyable. I think the only thing here I am really missing is a job I actually want to do.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: Be ready to be hospitable to those who truly need it.

I find that a broad definition of hospitality allows me to have a great deal of compassion for people in need still.  The great difference is that I either know I can help or not.  I don’t try this – I will pray for you or think of you – route.  If I can help, I try to find a way to do it.  If I can’t, I don’t.  The issue I think is more prosperity, so I can help more and more often.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

Last weeks storm of emotion involved a lot of anger.  This is never productive but I find myself shifting from anger to developing a sense of justice. I may not ever get justice for what happened to me, but I can look at others and what they do and if I can do something about it, I should act.  If there is still a heart of compassion in my life held over from years of ministry; I still bat for the underdog.

 Daily Routine:

  1. Communication / Cuddle Time
  2. Blogging
  3. Reading / Study – Half-hour per day minimum or until all necessary work is completed.
  4. Clear In Box/ To Do List
  5. Financial Transaction Input
  6. Carb Count – zero.

Oddly enough the Financial transaction thing piles up on the side of my desk.  I don’t get it, as it is one of the easiest things on this routine list.  The zero carb count is almost impossible at home eating dinner with the wife usually kills it.  The main thing in this is more of a seeing how little carbs I can eat in a day.

Goals: 

  1. Be transparent with my wife to improve communication
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship.
  3. Find a new, better paying job by the end of March 2019 or before.
  4. In 2019 have  a clear budget and financial plan working by the end of the year.
  5. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  6. Keep gym membership going somewhere and lift weights minimum of four times per week and walk minimum four times per week through end of 2019
  7. Follow Paleo Diet completely and use intermittent fasting until the end of 2019
  8. Cross one thing off bucket list every six months (Deadlines July 1st, and December 31st of 2019)
  9. Be in the best shape I can be by March 18th, 2019 (50th birthday), take pictures.

There are a couple of goals here for march that speak volumes about what I would like to see at the end a=of about six weeks here.  #9 will be finished on my birthday and I will be working on #3.  Going into my 51st year of life, a new job and feeling as healthy as possible would be a great start and two goals crossed off the list.

Goals achieved since Summer 2018: 1

Budgeting: 

  1. Basic Emergency Fund – $1000
  2. Debt Snowball
  3. Fully funded Emergency fund
  4. Invest 15% of income into retirement
  5. Pay off Home Early
  6. Build Wealth and Give

We meet with the tax preparer on Monday and I am hoping for a good result.  I also am job searching, so I hope that bears some fruit as well.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 6 – Replacing Memories with Memories

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

If you have been reading this last week an a half, you are very well aware that I am in the midst of what I what I would call a Grey Storm.  That is depression is overshadowing my life with dark clouds and a little rain. Mostly I just have been having a lot of problems feeling anything at all as I go through my day.

I mentioned that I felt this was triggered in my journal posts by some memories which were triggered in part by the time of year and by a dream.  The time of year is significant because last year at this time my organist at the church died.  He was a good friend and the last of my musicians with any real talent that I started with nine and half years previously.  Everyone I had started with in that regard was gone and I dubbed this time as the day the music died.  End of an era really for the church which really was completely true once I left.

I was really hurting and the only one who was listening to me at the time was a young woman who I ended up having an affair with.  I am not proud of this; and there are no good excuses for it, but there were reasons.  The starting point though was my organists death and reaching out at the time in friendship to her and her to me at this time last year.

The other trigger was a dream I had last Tuesday (Feb. 5th).  It was very vivid and real in its feeling.  I was walking down a downtown street. I had to find a bathroom and ducked into a restaurant.  I found the bathroom and went in a started to do my business.  While there heard someone enter the room.  They stopped behind me.  They stood there and I could feel their presence but they didn’t move. It was actually unnerving.  I finished and then turned around only to find it was the man from the church who I had considered a friend for well over nine years standing there. Now, I know he was no friend at all, and I would consider him a backstabbing liar and thief. He was smiling at me but it was a wicked smile.  He shook his head at me like a person who has judged you and has nothing but contempt.  I snorted and walked out. My general approach to any memory of this man is to basically say “Fuck you asshole” and try to push it from my mind.

As I was trying to leave the restaurant, there she was – the young lady in question sitting at the table by the door facing me.  She too was smiling.  Not in a judgmental way, just that same smile she always had when she saw me.  I couldn’t get out without going right next to her, and I couldn’t go back with the man behind me, so I went forward and sat down at the table to her left. Yes, the dream was so vivid I can remember details like this. She looked at me and the smile faded from her face as I sat down.  I tried to speak but discovered I couldn’t.  She smiled again and then sang a song.  The weird thing is, I can’t remember what it was.  I can remember everything else in great detail but the song and then she laughed.  I got up and ran out. I could feel both of them following me and then my alarm for work went off.  I was extremely thankful to be getting out of bed that morning, but the dream shook me.

Since then, I have been walking a Grey Storm. Normally dreams fade from my mind until in a week I can’t remember them, but not this one. It was so vivid and real, I just can’t shake it.  I find that the only thing that helps is thinking about other memories that are more pleasant.  Replacing memories with memories.

Today is February 15th.  That probably has the significance to many of you as the day after Valentine’s Day.  To me it has a little more meaning as 30 years ago this is the day  I proposed to my wife. I had chickened out the night before.  But then I knew that I wanted her in my life forever and I took a brave pill.  I asked her the next day in the front seat of my old 1979 LTD.  The rest is history.  It was a great day for me.  One right now that I hold close to my mind, so I can’t see or feel the others that are not so good.

Only time will tell if this technique of using good memories of the long past will help with the memories of the recent past. I am also hoping new memories of the future will help as well.  I need some wins and some success.  I just hate times like this where everything is in autopilot and I am just walking without feeling. My heart and soul going into shutdown mode and staying numb, so I don’t feel pain. At least for now, the good memories of the past pull me out of the numb for a bit.

I suspect there will be more The Grey and The Wayfarer posts.  They will probably increase in frequency from now until the end of summer.  Mostly, I hope to remember some good things to keep out the bad, but I know me.  This is going to be a love/hate year when it comes to memories. and so The Grey will be ever present, like it or not.

Walking the Grey,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Running a Tight Ship

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

This week has been a simple assessment of how to keep the virtues going during times of The Storm or The Grey.  Depression to the rest of you. Foundational Virtues make sure that I am facing The Storm with courage, honor and truth.  I am not running from it.  Business Virtues mean I stay on course.  I did point out the problem here was having a course and I think I have started to take that. Where the Self Virtues come in is the notion of running a tight ship.

The idea is that you stay disciplined, keep doing what needs to be done and trust your crew but make sure everyone is doing their job, including you. Right now keeping  my self together is running a tight ship and it is what will probably help me get to the end of this time of feelings.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

The Routines, the daily doing of things that I am trying to make into habits are what helps here.  It is what keeps my life from going completely ape shit.  This state would lead to shipwreck because things would start to full apart and The Grey Storm would then take over.  Nothing good then would happen.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

You keep going.  I get the definition of defeat and failure being a part of this, but there is a part of me that also understands perseverance is also going forward despite resistance. You keep sailing and you keep the sail trim.  You keep rowing when the wind is contrary or non-existent.  You don’t let circumstances stop you from making progress.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

All ships have a crew.  Even though this whole analogy means looking at my life, I couldn’t get where I am without support.  I just keep my circle small and value loyalty more than numbers these days.  It is hard sometimes when I get in The Grey Storm to do the proper maintenance of those relationship even though they are few in number.  So I go do it anyway.  That can be the hard part.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

Wisdom – it’s a difficult thing sometimes to figure out what it is.  I have had many trying times these last few weeks.  Mostly though I have come to realize that doing things as a matter of habit can help you keep yourself together when you really just want to go back to bed.  It is not a wise course to set to just quit. It just makes things worse.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week
  4. Writing – 4 times a week
  5. Cheat Meal Count – Currently 1

There is a real practical problem with this routine and that is some of the things are just missing. The Cheat Meal Count is very low and I am sure I have broken it this week with Valentine’s Day, The Grey and so on.  Cleaning and Writing have been good. but that is about it.  I really need the snow to go away and to get some sort of weights in my life again.

Evening Routine:

  1. Take supplements and medications.
  2. Brush and Floss Teeth
  3. Out the Door Preparation
  4. Reading – 15 min.
  5. Go to Bed

If I get the notion to do this right after my evening meal, it gets done.  The real challenge is thinking about it at that time.  I need some way to remind me consistently.  Reading has been nice at the end of the day, but I did take some time with this to watch movies with the wife instead.

Nutrition:

I may have to modify things here.  The intermittent fasting goes pretty well. I get up and food stays away until I have been up eight hours or so. The real issue is the Paleo Diet and finding things that are quick and easy.   The last month here is going to be tight but I am not sure practically I can get rid of all carbs.  I would like to, but eating with my wife and making dinner with her means carbs get in and I eat them.  So I might stay at one cheat meal a week and one carb source a day for the duration but I might extend the intermittent fasting to more hours a day or I might simply eat less each meal.  My 50th Birthday is very soon and I want to see how healthy I can be and look by then.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational –  I don’t perceive a problem here with myself.  I actually feel this part was what helped me though this week the most. I probably will do another “The Grey and The Wayfarer soon that reflects the last week and a half, but I can say now that it is my sense of courage and honor that kept me going this week.

Business – I think I have identified the core problem which is a lack of vision for my new career.  I need at least basic compass direction and I think I have done that this week by heading down a business path. I want to keep writing as a side career.  It might take off and be my business someday, but until then I think I at least can board the ship I call my life and say – ‘were heading this direction”.  What we will find may still be a mystery, but then again that is kind of the point of an adventure.

Self –  This has been a struggle, but through the struggle I have found a sense of keeping things together.  Don’t get me wrong, I have messed up on this week at times. But it is the times I do get the routines done and do what needs to be done and keep going that I have found my way through The Grey Storm. It has been good overall.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!