The Higher Virtues

The Rabyd Skald – No, I Don’t Want a Man Cave – I Want a Study

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

This is another week where doing a proper Of Wolves and Ravens is going to be too difficult so you get a Rabyd Skald instead. Mostly I just want to touch base a little about things without a real format or order and I want to talk about one thing I definitely want as far as where I live someday.

I would say The Grey and I have our moments.  I just have the defense of having school work to do to combat it.  I keep busy and that is the main thing.  I have a couple of days off from work but they will be filled with writing a paper. I don’t know if it will be my last one, but I suspect it might be the best one I have done for school.

School may be an issue as far as financing.  I don’t think my internship is going to be a paid one although I think I can do it online so I won’t have to travel to campus.  The issue becomes financial aid will not cover something part-time like that as it is only four credits.  I would have to basically attend full-time for another semester in order to pay for the internship.  Full time requires at least 12 credits so I would have to pick up about three classes.  I would need them all to be online and probably 100 or 200 level so I can finish with some extra skills.

My wife and I finished our last counseling session with our counselor as he is heading to Guam.  We are kind of discussing whether or not we need further counseling as a couple. The last session was a good one and the counselor thinks we have made progress and that we could go forward without it being a necessity.  I still would like some counseling for me but I don’t know if we can afford it right now. Maybe if I get a better job with some decent insurance I can consider it.

One thing my future vision of my life must contain is a study.  I don’t want a man cave although my study might have man cave elements like a wet bar and maybe a classic pin-up on the wall.  For me this is more about having a place for intellectual and creative pursuit with a masculine feel to it. I need a place like that to retreat to when the world gets too much. A place to read, study, write, relax and meditate.

Well, need to get to work on school stuff so I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – No Service Today

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Sorry today there will be so service.  The problem is time and my mind is needed elsewhere at the moment. Once classes are done I will be back at it next week.

As an aside, while i was in the ministry i would often fantasize about what it would be like to just skip as service. Just do what everyone else did when they didn’t feel like going to church – stay home and not go. So happy skip day.

Just consider it an inclement weather day for yourselves.

As for inspiration, George Carlin for you today:

See the source image

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

The Rabyd Skald – The Future Uncertainty

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Saturn’s Day

Just by way of announcement, there will be no Rogue Wizard or The Grey Wayfarer this week.  I just don’t have the time to do it right, so it will wait for next week and I will double dip with one of both to make it up to you.  Right now I am dealing with school, work and a lot of uncertainty about the future.  I do take a lot of comfort in the fact that in such moments my creativity is off the charts. I hope it is a trend that continues. Just a few quick notes:

  1. Academically I have been working toward the goal of being completely finished with all course work this semester, so I can just do my internship while looking for a better job.  Unfortunately, I think it is very possible that I might come up short by one class because my bugaboo of GIS is probably going to get me. For me it is like learning a foreign language I can’t seem to grasp on top of a psychological trigger of past failure with the subject.  I don’t know if this means I won’t be able to walk but in any case, it might be more than an internship I need to do next semester.  I guess we will see because everything else I will probably do well in.  If I do have  to take courses next semester they will have to be all online so I can job search and keep our household costs down.
  2. It’s official that my gym will be closing and probably sooner than I wished with everything else going on.  I may have to just take a week off from the gym, focus on academics and then look for a new one during finals week.
  3. My other uncertainty is my own confidence level waxes and wains a lot. Some moments I feel like I can take on the world and others I feel pretty helpless to the situation. I get angry still at certain things that happened and my heart still seeps soul-blood from time to time from past hurts and my own guilt. I probably need some professional counsel on this but I don’t have the money for it.  One person who knows me via internet offered but I feel I need the personal touch on this one. If only I had the time or money right now.

I had someone ask me for prayer yesterday.  I haven’t felt praying has done a lot of good for me or anyone else when I pray for them.  I just am not sure how valuable my prayers are seeing that I have very little faith in a god who might be out there or not and quite frankly if he/she/they are what their response to me might be to me specifically seeing I have massive doubts.  Christianity was my philosophical underpinning and foundation for a long time.  I really am trying  build a new one because that one has too many cracks in it for me now.  I know too much to believe it anymore. The process of building a foundational philosophy is a long one however and this means a time of uncertainty.  Out of that I hope will come something better – something more true.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues – Paleo Nutritional Planning Winter 2018-19

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

One of my goals is to be in the best shape possible by my Birthday so I can take some progress pictures.  That would be March 18th, 2019.  I will be 50.  There is something about these birthdays where the first number and last number both change.  I mean ten was probably where I first became aware of abstract thought and started to find girls far more interesting.  Twenty I went from being single to married and started my first round of college.  Thirty was a year where I became ordained as a minster and became pastor of my first church.  Forty was the year I started my last church.  Now I approach fifty and it truly is a milestone.

I will be finished with school and very close to the end of my internship.  I will be hopefully starting a new career with a new job.  2019 is truly going to not just be a new chapter in my life but in truth a whole new part to the story. I want part of that to be able to stand naked in front of the mirror on March 18th, 2019 and say: ‘Damn Ed, you look really good for fifty.”

The biggest part of that happening is going to involve nutrition.  I lift weights and walk/hike and that is important, but it is nutrition that not only gets results but allows you to keep them.  It is about lifestyle choice that leads to a better life, not just a better body.

Philosophically, I know that plans that involve meal planning, counting calories and points do not work for me.  I have said it before I do the best when I can control what I eat and when I eat it.  What has worked so far is a combination of Paleo and Intermittent Fasting.  The issue right now is to train myself to make that even more discipline and tighter as I get closer to my birthday.  After that finding a basic patterns that works and keeps working will be the goal. The details of this plan will be below in nutrition section but my basic idea is to slowly drop the number of carbs sources I can eat a day and the number of cheat meals a week. The four weeks leading up to my birthday both of these will be very low; if they exist at all.

Couple this with intermittent fasting and you get a powerful combo that so far has dropped my weight probably fifty pounds since May.  I don’t really go by weight though as my basic test of how I feel and look to me is the naked in front of the mirror test.  If I can look in the mirror and feel proud of what I have accomplished and my wife is giving me bedroom eyes, then I will have considered it a breakthrough.  Then it will be about maintaining it into the future.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Nutrition is simply one of those areas I am trying to apply more discipline.  To be harder on myself, so greater things can be achieved.  My homework and study time right now is tight with this as well, but I take comfort in the fact there is less than three weeks to go and the last half of December is pretty much going to be chill time.  I will still be working in retail, so it won’t be completely relaxing until after January 1st.  I just won’t have three major things to work on, just two. I will probably use the extra time to start disciplining myself toward attaining some other things on my list of goals and the bucket list.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Shit.  I look back at 2018 and marvel how many times I was knocked down and got up.  I am not talking simple knockdowns either but full on flat on your ass knockdowns where you slide from the force of the blow for twenty feet.  Where you lay there gasping for breath wondering if you are going to live knockdowns.  I got up from all of them and I still am shaking my head about it.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

I think the biggest realization I have had this week is how much I now distrust people when they say they are my friend or want to be my friend.  I can tell I am still skeptical of this. Only people who proved my friend during this year do I seem to trust without question, and even then I wonder very slightly from time to time.

I really do need a new small local circle from a social point of view, but like I told the counselor on Tuesday, I probably will have to look at my new career to find those people. My hope for starting a new support group of some kind might be an avenue as well.  The one thing I don’t trust is old wells that have no water – the church or friends who disappeared when things got tough.

At the same time, I kind of marvel at my wife’s forgiveness and loyalty to me.  She has no reason to be. None.  I guess she loves me.  I probably should follow her example and give some people a second chance.  Some, but not all that’s for damn sure. Being led astray by others about me is one thing.  Being a person who straight up abused my trust and betrayed me is another.

Weekly Routine: 

  1. Weightlifting – 4 days per week.
  2. Cleaning – 3 days a week.
  3. Walking – 4 days a week

This week has been more about school than anything else.  What this has done is limited trips to the gym and school oddly as class has not been something I need to attend on a couple of occasions. Walking and lifting will not reach their goals this week as I am hitting the books instead.

The gym situation is coming to a head as I will no longer need to travel to the city where my gym currently is as often.  Plus, it looks very much like my gym will close soon.  That means changing gyms closer to where I work now. Once that happens, training will take on more importance.

Nutrition:

Paleo Diet means I avoid carb sources of foods like the plague.  I have pretty much eliminated pasta.  What I need to do is slowly wean myself off them pretty much altogether.  Part of this is re-educating myself on what I can eat and eating more of it.

The intermittent fasting basically will go like this.  I eat breakfast then fast until eight hours later, then I can eat until I go to bed. At first this will be weeks that start with an even-numbered Sundays.  Four weeks out from March 18th, 2019 it will be all the time.

The two things that will be added are a weekly check list of cheat meals where when I have one I check one cheat meal off and when I have used them all for the week, I can’t do any more.  The other thing I will add is a daily carb food source check list.  I want to basically start shrinking both down every week or two.  The goal the last month is to have no carbs at all daily and one cheat meal per week.

December 2nd – December 22nd: Weekly Cheat Meals: 5  Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 5

December 23rd – January 5th: Cheat Meals: 4; Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 4

January 6th – January 19th: Cheat Meals: 3; Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 3

January 20th – February 2nd: Cheat Meals: 2; Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 2

February 3rd – February 16th: Cheat Meals: 1; Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 1

February 17th – March 18th – Cheat Meals: 0 (special occasions only), Daily Non-Paleo Foods: 0 – I will actually extend this out for the rest of the week but the goal is my birthday which is a Monday.

Of course extra cheat meals are allowed for special occasions:  Birthdays and holidays.

Weekly Recap:

Foundational – I don’t feel to bad in this area.  I did come to the conclusion this week that I will feel a great deal better as far as Courage, Honor and Truth once my degree is finished.  Still work to do, but I feel much better.

Business – Things are coming to a head, graduation, internship and new job search,  I have a feeling my hard work is going to start paying off. Prosperity with purpose is getting closer.

Self – I feel the best about this area. Have for a long time.  This week particularly.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye – Why I Am a Humanist

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

Introduction:

Image result for humanism quotes

These days I am looking at being nothing but a human being – hopefully a decent one.  As a deist I can acknowledge the possibility of a god, gods or divine force but because of ignorance I don’t really know what they or it is.  I just don’t know and I cannot assume that they have done anything more than create the perimeters in which I live and nothing more.  I have faced and will continue to face problems in this world, so who do  I rely on to help me with those difficulties?

This is where I become a humanist and basically say it is time for the human race to grow up and realize that the only solution to human problems is humanity itself. That if I am going to look to solve my problems, I need to look to me to solve them and if I can join together with other humans to solve mutual problems that may be the only way to solve them. I need to have ‘faith’ in humanity to do this because in truth, as far as we know, our only salvation for our problems is our own abilities to over come them.

Faith:

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I know people might watch the news and wonder how one can have faith in humanity.  I do because in truth the news focuses on a small minority of people with either a problem or are the cause of a problem. The news always focuses on the small minority of bad things that happened while ignoring the normal good things that happen every day that are far more numerous. It is the classic case of focus on the negative but ignoring that the positive that far outweighs the negative. “Problem X has gone up two percentage points in the last year.”  What they don’t tell you is this is only an increase from 2% to 4% and 96% of people don’t have that problem or are not engaged in that negative behavior. As Penn Gillette rightly observed there are two things about people which are true: 1) Things are usually getting better all the time and 2) People always believe they are getting worse.

I believe most of us humans are like myself. I am just trying to make my way in this world the best I can, make the best life for myself.  I just doing the best I can with the cards I have been dealt and trying to get new cards if I can.  I would never intentionally hurt someone and I mind my own business unless I see someone in trouble and then I try to help as best I can. I don’t do this for any other reason other than it’s the right thing to do. Because it is the human thing to do.

Religion:

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This is a far cry from most religions which try to tell you that humanity is all sinful, or deficient or selfish.  Religion as a general rule uses guilt and remorse for past mistakes to motivate people to action.  It also creates this false sense of achievement that allows some of that religion to arrive at a higher spiritual plane and thus judge the rest of us a righteous or unrighteous. Thus they can motivate us to serve them as a way to ease their burden while adding to our own.

I am not very religious anymore. Mythology of all types is more of a hobby and area of knowledge of mine but in truth I approach the world trying to be spiritual but not religious.  My motivation comes from my own humanity which I no longer consider sinful or deficient.  There is good in me and probably more than most religious systems would acknowledge or want me to acknowledge.

Theology:

Image result for humanism quotes

As a deist and humanist, my theology of humanity has changed quite considerably.  I no longer see human beings as anything but what they are – human.  Not sinners in the hands of an angry God, not morally deficient because they have desires that are basic to survival and living and not some drifting concept or phantom shadow.  Just real genuine humanity.

This means I can hope a lot of things for my fellow humans.  I can see them as fully capable of handling their own problems.  I can also see that if I join with them I might be able to overcome greater problems.  I don’t look at humanity as the problem, but the only real thing I can see and know that can solve those problems.

There is a respect for the individual human that follows from this as well.  Not just a respect for the whole of humanity, but that each human being has this capacity to be more and better than what they are.  Because of this I feel and have always felt that humans should be as free as possible to pursue their own interests to overcome their own problems as long as they do not bring harm to others. In the end I alone and they alone are responsible for their actions.

Spirituality:

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As a humanist I know on thing for sure – I alone am morally responsible for what I do.  No one else can have that responsibility.  I also cannot be held morally responsible for anyone else’s choices. Nor should I be held accountable for them. If there is one axiom of religion that might be true, it’s the idea of being treated like I want to be treated.  I want to be left alone to pursue what is best for me and as long as I don’t do that by harming or exploiting others, I should be allowed to do it.  This is my basis for liberty and freedom for myself and all others. I am a libertarian in large part now becasue I am a humanist.

Conclusion:

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It is in liberty and freedom where human beings are free to pursue solutions to their problems and associate with those they choose to associate with that such solutions will be found. No place else. This is something that religious people find it hard to grasp.  They turn to a god, gods or whatever force they serve for the solutions and then wonder why problems still persist. This issue is turning to the one thing we know in the world that has the potential to actually solve the problems we face – ourselves.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Of Wolves and Ravens: Lessons in Logic – Normative vs. Positive Economics

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Introduction:

I am working on school work so it is helpful to review certain concepts.  Most notably basics.  Most people think economics is a dull subject but it probably is the one science that also deals rationally with the question of scarcity.  That is what to do with resources as all resources have a limited availability?  All resources are scarce, so how to distribute them is always the issue. Within this framework will be arguments and in economics arguments boil down to whether something is normative or positively stated.

A positive statement is factual dealing with the way things are and describes things factually.  A normative statement is a statement of what should be and deals with recommendations for how things should be.  In my old religious/theology classes positives statements are the issues of morals – the way things are and how people actually behave.  Normative statements would be the issues of ethics – the way things ought to be.

When people ask me why I like economics so much it is because economics is a very human thing. Society and individuals do not live in a world of pure positive or normative reality.  In truth things are constantly going back and forth between what is and what ought to be. To the wolves and ravens.

Needs (Geri):

It is a positive statement to say that human beings have needs.  Things that must take place for people to survive. We need water, food, shelter from the elements and air.  Without these things we would die. Most of these things are scarce, in truth all of them.

What is not always clear is how these needs should be met in the most effective and efficient manner.  Economists will put out different models and will engage the subject with as much fact and evidence they can muster.  However, some of this discussion in the area of needs dwells in the realm of the normative, because some economists might argue that this list of needs is too short. Education, Health Care, Defense, etc. all enter the picture here as the issues of well-being and security seem to be in that realm of tug of war between morals and ethics.

Wants (Freki):

People want things – that is probably a positive statement.  The issue of how one goes about acquiring what one wants enters the realm of ethics and the normative very quickly. The whole discussion of rights, collectivism vs. individualism and many other discussions of which economics system is the best, enter the arena at this point.  It could be said that the majority of the disagreements between economists involve wants vs. needs discussions.

Reason (Huginn):

One would think the moment we engage reason that the world of the normative drops out of the picture.  It doesn’t though. Reason has to engage ideas of all kinds.  In economics reason might spend a large part of the time engaging the laws of economics (there are at east thirty of them) but sometimes it is not clear because of the normative nature of the issue how those laws should be applied. This is the centrality of the issue of economics.  I love this aspect of it.

Wisdom (Muninn):

Wisdom is learning to understand things and how to apply them.  Economics, because of this normative/positive tug of war, has the added feature of trying to be applied to real life. Trying to come up with the best solution for the problems of needs and wants is the central core of economics and this practical aspect draws me to it like a moth to a flame. Sifting through all the normative and positive statements to find a true genuinely helpful philosophy of economics is a worthy goal and one I want to embrace.  In addition economics has been around long enough that from Adam Smith onward we have a large number people to draw from as far as experiences and thought.  It means the wisdom provided on these questions is extensive.

Conclusion:

If there is any lesson today it is for people to recognize that there are positive and normative statements in the world and to learn to distinguish between the two of them.  This becomes the foundational skill of learning not only how to engage logical principles but to learn how to know when someone is stating a fact or an ethical opinion is something that every person should learn. For me economics stands as this great fusion between life and philosophy and learning how to navigate both.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Pagan Pulpit – That Which No Longer Serves Me

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day:

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here.  We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it.  Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it.  Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Opening Song: Shinedown – Monsters:

I suppose there is a progression to the music today.  The start of it is an understanding that the monsters that live in all of us are very real.  I love the chorus of this song:

‘Cause my monsters are real, and they’re trained how to kill
And there’s no comin’ back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they’ll never say die
And there’s no goin’ back, if I get trapped I’ll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real

The emotions that are the monsters, as our text says, doubt, fear sorrow, confusion and anger.  Monsters that sleep but can be awakened at any moment with disastrous consequences.  Other people may fool people and hurt everyone with their lies and falsehoods, but the real danger is the monsters lurking within us all.

Poem: “The Fire of Fury” by Ed Raby, Sr. 

See the source image

“The Fire of Fury”

A flame burns within me

It is one that I cannot see

It is fueled by my fury.

My motivation,

My anger,

My salvation,

My destruction

My enlightenment

Fire, Light, Anger, Illumination

The Fire of Fury will light my way

Or it will consume me

  • Ed Raby, Sr. – November 24, 2018

I had the title of his poem for quite some time and a feeling of what I wanted to express.  I used it for the subtitle of my Rogue Wizard series at its current state but it kept being the title for a poem too. As I was preparing the Pagan Pulpit for this week, the words began to form.  Poets understand what I mean. I think it speaks for itself.

Meditation:

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Song of Preparation: Disturbed – Indestructible:

It is no secret I like Disturbed. I plan on sitting back after school is over and listening to every one of their albums and songs.  I just haven’t had the time to give listening to music the proper time it deserves and this is one band I want to some attention to in-depth. The progression of today’s songs continues with learning to take the negativity and toxicity of certain emotions and transforming them into that which makes us indestructible.

Text:

“Release all that no longer serves you: “I cast away all doubts, fears, sorrows, confusions, anger to the wind. I release any toxicity that weakens my spirit.” – The White Witch Parlour

Sermon:

Yeah, I am using a quote from a white witch site.  That said when I was a Pentecostal, I swear I heard this same quote from the more Charismatic Movement oriented believers.  It’s amazing how mysticism can change the form it has, but the words and concepts are simply the same.

There is something to be said for the idea of releasing that which no longer serves us when it comes to emotions.  Emotions are raw material.  Parts of them are useful and other parts are chaff that needs to be given to the wind.  The real challenge of dealing with these emotions is learning how to harvest them.  Learning what needs to be released as toxic and unproductive while keeping the parts of them that lead to constructive and healthy action.

The most pronounced example of this I can think of is something that happened this week to me.  I wrote on Tuesday a post: The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions. The process of working through the three issues presented in that post was refining moment for me.  I was working through the emotions and found that I changed in my feelings toward all these situations.  The toxic elements of the emotions are less and the good parts that motivate and bring positive change are now more present. I know what to do about all of them and I am more at peace about that.

The quote today is a personal one that perhaps we all need to say from time to time. Doubt can lead to inquiry into truth. Fear can lead to courage.  Sorrow to joy.  Confusion to enlightenment.  Anger to Motivation.  Once you have let go of the toxic part of these emotions, the positive constructive elements are what makes you more of who you are and who you need to be.

Closing Song: Halestorm – Amen:

Ultimately its your shit to deal with.  Not anyone else’s.  And that ultimately is a good thing. Can I get an Amen?

Parting Thought: 

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Have a great week.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Odin’s Eye – A Pagan Thanksgiving

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

 

Happy Thor’s Day – Happy Thanksgiving!!!

If someone were to ask me if I could still celebrate Thanksgiving as a non-Christian, I would probably respond – “You still think Thanksgiving is a Christian holiday?  That’s cute.”  The thing is that when you study holidays in general you see a couple of things.  Nearly all cultures and religions have a celebration of thanksgiving to whatever powers are worshiped at the harvest time.  All of them.  The other thing you see is when a country or culture accepts Christianity,  Christians basically repackage the pagan holidays and re-symbolize them for themselves.  In short, Christians have stolen or blended with holidays from all different traditions since Christianity was founded as the early Jewish Christians still celebrated Jewish holidays.  Mostly what you see today is Christians have stolen various holiday traditions from paganism and blended them with their own. It’s why some pagans get mad about the whole thing.

See the source image

Personally, I am taking a different tack this Thanksgiving. I am a deist and I will probably whisper a prayer (something I rarely do anymore) of pure thanksgiving to whatever powers are really out there, if any. But to be honest there are thanks that could be given to many people for that celebration and for the prosperity I receive. So my list of thanks goes to people this year.

  1. I thank my wife for being a forgiving soul who loves me despite all the things that have happened between us.  I haven’t been a very good husband this year, but she deserves wife of the year honors.  Thank you baby. I love you more than ever before.
  2. I thank my Mother for being so generous to us in the past decades for housing us an sheltering us.  She has put up with a lot and still loves us.
  3. I thank my kids for being good kids. You have all followed your hearts and have learned to love with power.  All of you have expressed your love for me this last year and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Thank you.
  4. I thank my grand kids for being kids.  For showing how there can be pure joy in the world for the simple things of life.  For showing me that no matter what the news says, I can see hope in your eyes.
  5. I thank my fellow students at school and my professors.  The learning environment over the years has been awesome.  That is mostly due to you.
  6. I thank my coworkers.  You have given me comradeship that I do value.  It’s nice to work with you, laugh with you and just share this working experience with you.  You make the burdens of it lighter.
  7. As I look at my feast, I thank the farmers, ranchers and all the people who make it possible. To the people who plant, grow, raise, harvest, process and transport all of it – Thank you.
  8. For everyone who keeps the heat and lights on, provides the basics of life and the luxuries.  Thank you.
  9. I thank the watchers of the wall. While I think many of the so-called threats to the nation are the politicians made up are garbage done for political ploys, I know there are real threats out there that you guard against. Thank you.
  10. To my friends, to the ones I have left anyway.  Thanks for sticking with me.  I haven’t made it easy this year I know.  I appreciate the real friends who didn’t bolt at the first sign of trouble.

Yeah, I am going to thank people this year.  Thank you all.

In Thanksgiving,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

 

Happy Tyr’s Day

Introduction:

I just don’t have time this week to do a proper Of Wolves and Ravens.  School is starting to have the potential to kick my ass and I am having to bear down a bit.  It’s OK though, because it gives me a chance to do an update on my constant battle with depression aka The Grey.  I could just write and say things are cool, but that would be a lie.  I would assess myself as functional but struggling.

I never realized how much betrayal would be a depression trigger.  The pain of loss of friendship I think does it. We all objectify people from time to time.  It’s the main philosophical problem of our age brought to life.  We no longer see people as people like ourselves but rather as problems to be moved aside or dealt with.  I work hard every day to see people as people.  Even more so since I failed at that with my wife in particular. But my greater motivation is now I very much know what it feels like to be treated as an object as well.  Once you have been treated that way, you never forget it and you either work hard not to make others feel that way in return or….you fade into The Grey.

As a warning here at this point. What follows is a discussion of the three things I would be talking to my counselor about if I could afford one.  Some of these are sensitive in the sense they can invoke strong feelings.  Particularly, if you are family in some sense or another either through blood, long association as my friend or even through my church ties some way, this warning is for you to stop reading at this point, unless you feel you can take the sensitive emotions of the issues presented. I am going to try to be as transparent as possible without being hurtful, but I don’t know how people will react all the time, so the warning is for you.

On a practical note, the reason I am doing this is these issues are making it difficult to concentrate on work or school because they are the closure issues I have been mentioning.  It should be noted that on all of these, other people have different views of the events and have called me cowardly and a lair for my viewpoint.  I can only present things from my perspective and based on my own conversations with others.  The problem still remains that others are telling my story and I want to tell it myself to set a more complete account.  I don’t care if you believe me.  This is me getting things off my heart and mind for my sake.

Old Flame:

I want to say that even with all the strength and love I have gained from restoring my relationship with my wife, I still have residual pain over loving another and the breakup that followed.  I don’t think that should be surprising or shocking as you can’t emotionally invest in someone and not have that happen.  What I find hard is not walking away from this relationship as any romantic love I had for her is gone, but mostly how it came apart and the reason why it came about.  This is one I think I am just going to have to learn to live with and pretty much learn to do it on my own.  I have had a hard time hating people for hurting me like this, but I know I can’t trust them and that makes me sad.  Mostly I get mad at both of us for taking this relationship too far.  Oddly enough, I still miss the friendship and I learned a valuable lesson on boundaries being important.

I think though this is one of those wounds that will get better with time.  I also think it will never heal completely. Mostly I have found healing here in turning my attention to my relationship with my wife and building that.

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‘Friendship’ Lost: 

The second issue is I had a long time friend with my last church.  We did a lot of things together and sat next to each other for well over nine years.  We were in a small group together for the same length of time.  We knew each other very well.  Or I thought I did. The one thing I felt I could do with this person was trust them with something important and in this case my resignation.

My plan was to have my resignation read the one Sunday and then come in the next when I wasn’t feeling so emotional distraught and explain things. That never got to happen.  This person set me up.

a) They convinced me to remove all references to the reasons I was resigning – I had been involved in an inappropriate relationship.  The reasons for removal given to me were not wanting to start gossip in the church and not dragging the girl into all this. I felt the reasons he gave were solid, so I removed the references to the affair, figuring I could go in the church the next week and deal with that issue.

b) I now know the very day that I gave my ‘friend’ my revised resignation, with all references to the affair removed, he called the woman I had been involved with up and asked her permission in using her name for him to tell the story to the church.  He did that after reading my resignation.  This made it very much look like I was hiding something, and he was being the noble guy telling everyone the truth.

c) On the Monday that followed the story of what happened came to me though my mother and several others who called me. There was even a plan in place already of how the vote would take place in a few weeks to decide things. None of this was ever shared with me during the months that followed in any official capacity.  If it hadn’t been for a few members of my flock who disagreed with how things were being handled and kept me informed, I would never have known anything.

d) I texted this person and asked very simply what was going on.  That was June 5th, 2018.  I still have the text I sent.  It has never been responded to.  This person has made no effort to contact me since.  Ever.

The sad thing is that I would not have handled things this way had the roles been reversed. I would have given him two things he obviously didn’t give me.

Love – I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and certainly would have allowed him to tell his own side of things and not take it upon myself to do that.  The story that followed that I heard had definitely been blown up far bigger than it was and had obvious falsehoods. I would have made sure only established facts were told and crushed any rumors that couldn’t be verified.

Time – I would have given him time to think over things. In retrospect what I should have done is taken a week off to think things over and then resigned the following week myself in person.  That’s the time factor I am speaking of. I would have given him these two things because that’s what friends do.

I am not sure what bothers me the most, but one thing I wrestle with is whether this truly is a friendship lost or did I really have a friend there to begin with? I am beginning to think I was nothing more to this guy than an object, that when no longer usable to him and his agenda, I was discarded.  That pisses me off.  The problem is no matter how many times I pay over the scenario, I keep running into the later conclusion.  I know forgiveness is a powerful tool in recovery from things like this, but this one I haven’t forgiven yet. At least fully.

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I want to make it clear, I am not looking for vengeance and I would never hurt him physically.  That is just not me.  What is me is being patient and waiting for the wheel of time to keep turning.  If someday I get to balance the scales of justice thanks to fate, providence or karma, I will take it without hesitation. The difference will be I will stab him in the chest while looking him in the eye. Metaphorically speaking, not literally – I hope the man lives a long but miserable life.

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Now before everyone lectures me about Christian forgiveness, I will remind people I am not longer religious or a Christian.  One thing I do feel is that justice should be served.  I may be a former adulterer, but I at least tried to confess it to my flock and would have if not for this man’s interference. I know he is a two-faced, backstabbing liar and that is enough for me.  I doubt he will ever admit it, so he continues to lie to cover things up.  Maybe he lies to himself more than anyone else.

On thing I do think is such a thing should come to an end as he has no honor or sense of fidelity.  I just hope I am around to see it; so I can smile as the fall takes place.  There is an old proverb – “Meditate on the bank of the river long enough, and you will see the body of your enemy floating by.”  Hopefully it is true. If you hear the sound of clapping when it happens, it will be me applauding as the body floats by.

Perhaps you are also saying I am going back on my treating people was people with this one.  I would say I am simply following Christianity here seeing he is a Christian.  I am treating him like he treated me.  That’s apparently how he wants to be treated, because that how he treated me.  As a pagan with a pagan sense of justice, I just want to see the scale balanced.

‘Few’ Goodbyes:

Oddly enough this is not the toughest thing.  It’s the lack of the ability to say goodbye to my flock that hurts the most sometimes.  Despite my struggles with faith and the affair, I still loved and cared for them like a shepherd.  Because of how this was handled by my ‘friend’, I knew there would be a lynch mob waiting for me after that if I went back.  I have been left with people contacting me and that has been few in number.  Each time it has happened though, I have had a measure of healing come into my life.

I don’t really blame them.  I know they were misinformed and tricked by someone they trust. It’s why I was fired and denied severance as well.  I let a lot of that go and because they were my sheep I loved very much; I forgive them.  The treacherous ram in the middle of them?  Well, he just showed his true colors. I never should have turned my back to him. Live and learn.

Maybe in a year or so I can go back and say goodbye to those who are still there.  By then perhaps people will have different thoughts on the whole thing.  I don’t know.  My daughter has always joked with me that she was going to throw an over the hill party when I turned 50. I guess the invite list could have a few select people from the church on it if she does. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing some of them again.  They are good people and I miss many of them.

Conclusion:

I don’t know if this has done anything but help me get through the fog a little and see clearly my path.  You don’t get very far glancing over shoulder or looking back.  My whole thing is to identify what is weighing me down and find a way to deal with it.  Either to cast it off, change it so it isn’t so heavy or learn how to cope with it. I think writing this out and having it out there has been good for my soul.  I need that right now and this has definitely helped as I have written it.  It’s good to know your enemy and even better when part of that enemy is yourself.

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Once again, my purpose here is not to stir up feelings.  If I have, I do apologize.  But I have been struggling with this for a little while now.  I have talked with my wife about it and that has helped but I needed to clear my head.   One thing that has always helped has blogging about stuff.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

The Grey Wayfarer (Fantasy Serial) -Chapter 4 – Three Gifts (Odin)

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Odin frowned.  The whole situation was an odd one.  The man called Beorn Erickson was certainly a brave man.  Magic that can cross the boundaries of world is no small matter and to take on the risk of death was worthy of Valhalla.  The man had courage, if he died in battle the Valkyrie would certainly take him.  Freya would probably do it herself.  Beorn was an old name but Odin had already started to call him his title – The Grey Wayfarer.  It was easier to think of him that way as the man who might bring about Ragnarök.

Odin sat in his chair in front of the fire, pondering.  Frigg was busy getting some gifts ready for The Wayfarer.  Gifts that had been prepared long ago but now needed to be presented.  Foresight was a terrible thing to live with.  The Grey Wayfarer was a man whose death would bring the end, if all the visions Frigg and himself had seen were true.  That last vision of Fenrir’s jaws closing about him had haunted his dreams.

Beorn completely recovered in a couple of days  He was walking about and stretching his limbs.  Odin gave him some small-clothes as well a tunic to wear around the cabin. He certainly had a good appetite and the wolves and ravens had taken a liking to him.  Probably mostly due to the fact that like Odin, the Wayfarer gave them meat as treats.  The two of them would converse and Odin had learned a great deal.

Beorn had acquired the amulet from a wizard of sorts.  He had begun to only suspect its power and then he finally did try to use it a couple of times.  One test had resulted in a great deal of pain.  The time it actually did work, it was extremely painful.  There was a price in pain to be paid to change worlds.  Odin nodded and approved.  He himself had paid the price for knowledge a couple of times.  His missing eye reminded him sometimes sacrifices had to be made.

Finally the day came where the Wayfarer would receive his gifts.  Odin would then set him on the path.

“Beorn, tomorrow you will set out on a journey.  Frigg and I always will offer you hospitality, but there are greater forces at work and your arrival will not be unobserved by those who know magic.”

“I understand.  I too am anxious to begin.  I have felt this wandering in my feet for a long time.  It’s why I came here.  I am looking for something and I don’t know what it is.”

“Destiny is not fate.  Your choices are your own and they will show you the path. I can show you the way, but not your ultimate destination.  I also would not send you on this path without aid.  It is perilous and you can still die.  There is no fate here, just emotion that says certain ends will take place.  We see your end but not the journey.  That journey could be short or long. That is up to you.”

“I must All-Father, thank you and Frigg for your hospitality.  I thank you for your advice and the information you provided me,  I suspect my journey will be long and interesting.”

“You are welcome.  This is only one of my dwellings.  Valhalla is another.  Asgard is still the realm of the gods.  You walk now in Midgard but all the nine realms are represented here.  Remember that and those that dwell in each place.  It may very well be that your path will touch all of them. But now, there are three gifts we wish to give you.”

The first gift was a set of traveling clothes.  It was pants, tunic, boots of leather, a belt of leather.  There was a cape to go over the shoulders that had a hood that could be pulled over the head. The cloth was made of an unknown fabric. Beorn couldn’t place it.  It was a medium grey color.  The whole thing from head to toe. It was comfortable and fit him like a glove.

“The fabric is unique, one of Frigg’s inventions.  It will keep you somewhat warm from the cold but also breathes very well in the heat.  It will keep you from getting wet.  Of course if you fall in a river it will need to dry off but it is resistant to dampness and the elements.  It won’t mold or rot. Is it comfortable?”

“Yeah, like it was tailored for me.”

Frigg was standing behind Odin and she smiled.

“Good. Now I would not set you out on a journey without a way to protect yourself.  So I give you this.”

Odin stood and crossed the room and retrieved a staff of ash wood that had been leaning on the side of the fireplace.

“Like my spear, this staff is made from the ash wood of the world tree. It has other powers but I cannot tell you exactly what they are.  You must discover them as you go on your journey.  For now it is a strong staff and a thus a good weapon to fend off those that would try to rob you or the beasts that would try to eat you.”

Odin handed the staff to Beorn, who when he touched it swore he saw runes appear along it briefly.  The shimmered in a glowing white and then were gone. He looked at Odin.

“Like I said, it has powers, you must discover them.”

Odin sat back down.  Frigg left the room, when she returned she was holding a satchel like handbag. It was made of grey leather.

“I had Frigg make this for you.  Take off your cape and drape it across your shoulder.  Yes, like that.  This satchel is much larger on the inside than it appears outside.  It also reduces the weight of what is inside it significantly.  You can carry a lot in it and it won’t encumber you much.  If you ever get a sword or axe, you can wear them to the appropriate side with the satchel on the other.

“All-Father and Lady Frigg, thank you.  I do not know how to repay your kindness to me or why you are giving it.”

“We have our reasons, but we cannot say what they are.  I can only say these things will make your journey easier in some ways.  Other things we have foreseen will be painful no matter what gift we give.  I suspect the other gods will either help or hinder your journey as they see fit. I trust I do not have to warn you that all of them are here in this place.  Be mindful of who you are dealing with.  The legends you may know may contain some truth but also may contain some falsehoods.”

“I understand All-Father.”

Odin looked at Frigg, seem to hesitate and then he spoke again.

“One last thing.  That amulet is more powerful than you know. It does much more than you have discovered. It is a key that opens doors and allows you, as you have already discovered, to cross boundaries.  Do not take this power lightly and know that many will try to take it from you.  Guard it well.  My advice would be to never take it off.”

Beorn nodded.

That night Frigg laid out a fine meal.  A feast really for the three of them. Odin of course only drank the mead as he never eats.  But Frigg and The Grey Wayfarer ate and all three of them had pleasant conversation.  They agreed that at morning light Beorn would set out on his journey.

After Beorn went to bed.  Odin sat in his chair pondering.  The flames of the fire danced in his eye.  Frigg found her way to his side and placed his hand on his shoulder.  He looked at her and smiled. He put his arm around her waist and pulled her to his lap where she sat wrapping her arms around his neck.  They kissed each other.  After a moment of holding one another Frigg stood up and headed to their bedchamber.

Odin smiled as he watched her walk away.  After all these years, her moving curves still pleased him.  He thought to himself that no greater wife could a man find.  He downed the last of the mead in his cup.  He stroked the ears of his wolves for a minute. Then he stood himself and followed Frigg to the bedchamber. Both the ravens followed him with their eyes.  They cawed softly.  He looked back at them and nodded.  The Grey Wayfarer would begin his journey on the morrow and everything would change.  He entered the bedchamber, the curtain falling behind him.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!