Happy Moon’s Day. It’s the 12th night of Yule. This is the Night of Oaths. This is the night with the greatest feasting; it is a sacred night that marked the final passing of the Wild Hunt. This is night when oaths for the coming year were made. The custom of caroling has its origins in this night. That and New Years resolutions. Only with the vikings this was a night of oaths. Sacred oaths which were considered the most holy on this night. Especially those sworn on Frey’s boar or Thor’s Hammer.
Journal Entry:
I have never been one for resolutions and as the year draws to a close I still feel the same way as most people who such resolutions are done and often fail. I have found that the best time to resolve to do something is when you are thinking on it and are emotionally motivated and that can happen at any time.
I also already have plans that have been developed with goals, a bucket list and other motivating factors in place where I am trying to achieve certain ‘ends’, so oaths or resolutions don’t really help there.
I also think the best advice about oaths is found in Matthew 5:
“Again you have heard thatit was said to those ofold,‘You shall not swear falsely, butshall perform your oaths to the Lord.’But I say to you,do not swear at all …But letyour ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’
In short keeping your word in general is far better than making oaths and I heartily agree. But I also see that oaths are needed in certain situations. Otherwise, motivation can be lacking and so oaths bind us to act. I do then have an oath to take.
My Oath for 2019:
By all that is truly holy, I swear to:
Be loving and act in love toward my wife, family and friends.
To execute justice when the power to do so is given to me.
Act wisely in all my endeavors.
I know this is not specific but I am new to this oath thing so this year it will have to do. As I go through this year, the oaths I might have to swear on oath night next year will become clearer I think.
Honor:
“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”
Principle – Be positive about my future
I was a good weekend and I am feeling like I am developing a sense of inner value or worth again. I am also learning to respect those qualities in others.
Courage:
“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”
Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.
Bravery is something I find a little easier. This coming year I am going to need lot of it as I start something completely new for myself. I need to take risks and at my age that can be hard to do. I must however engage in actions that would befit someone younger and bolder.
Truth:
“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”
Principle – Pursue knowledge, wisdom and truth at all times.
Honest assessment of where I am is needed and honest words. Time to take the spirit of Oath night and make it something I do all night long.
Morning Routine:
Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV) and Principles
Meditate on the Virtues
Review Goals
Review Bucket List
Full Body Stretch
Breakfast
Supplements and Medicines
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day
Solid. I only really want to look at the meditation part and get a much more formalized way of doing it.
Bucket List:
Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.
Get My Tattoos.
Actually Get Drunk.
Smoke a Joint.
Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Two things have to come off this list in the coming year. Finding out which ones is going to be the excitement of it.
Weightlifting:
Need to find a new gym but my employer keeps messing with my hours. Finding a new job may be essential to getting back to weightlifting. I need the resources to get back to something I love doing and miss greatly.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Happy Sun’s Day. It is also the 11th Night of Yuletide. This night is sacred to the Valkyries and Warriors. We remember those who choose the slain as the noble and honored dead destined for Valhalla, and those warriors who were chosen. Today we remember the virtue of Self-Reliance.
Announcements:
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Today’s service resembles a concert more than a service. Basically, the idea struck me that I should do the past year, one month at a time, in song. So there will be no text or sermon today. Just one song per month (two for one month) representing each month as I experienced it. This probably as much as a reflection on this past year, but rather than write about it, I will just give you a song on each month and a little commentary.
I suppose a warning is in order as I am going to be pretty open here about my thoughts. I also should note that I had to take a break twice while writing this post. There are a lot of strong emotional memories to 2018 for me. Some good; some bad. In any case, my hope is a little more closure on a year I hope to not repeat. Overall it changed me for the better, but it was a helluva ride.
Music for me is still a an expression of the real emotions and thoughts I am having I can’t express in words. I think for this reason this way of doing a year review is probably more accurate in many ways than just writing about it.
January: No Rest for the Wicked – Godsmack:
I choose this song for the theme for the entirety of 2018. I started with the struggle to be a ‘man of God’ who had lost his faith. The whole year was me not getting enough rest because of all my struggles. In the end, I dropped the masks and I am probably far more at rest because I am more genuinely who I really am now. The verses of this song really reflect some of my thoughts to this day, so it fits.
February: American Pie – Don McLean:
In February, my long time organist and friend died. This represented the last of three great musicians/vocalists in my church and with this death for all practical purposes it was ‘the day the music died’ both in my church and my soul. It was my grief over this, and the fact only one person understood it at the time, that left me vulnerable.
March: Losing my Religion – REM:
March was a transitional month for me as I started to fall in love with someone I shouldn’t have. Looking back on it, and as warning to others, grief over the loss of two good friends in less than a year, a weak marriage and looking for comfort, left me open to this. That and not caring about my religion anymore. I had lost my faith a couple of years before due to theological reasons, but now the emotional side of it came crashing down.
April: Don’t Stand So Close to Me – The Police:
Lot’s of secret love this month. Both directions and both forbidden. I have come to a greater understanding of this song than I ever wanted to this year. Now when I hear this song, I remember the lessons of this past year vividly. Mostly how easy it is to submit to temptation, especially when you are hurting and want something to ease the pain. There is really no excuse for this, but there are reasons people do this which I now know all too well. I have no excuses, but I did have those reasons.
May: Monsters – Shinedown:
The shit hit the fan in late May and my monsters got loose. I think I made the remark at the time that the Pagan was freed from his cage and was kicking the Christian’s ass. I suppose this song stretches into June as well.
The reason it does, is I trusted someone I considered to be a friend with something important. They took advantage of that trust and betrayed me to get one more win over me, probably to stroke his already overly inflated ego. Yeah, rage doesn’t begin to describe what I felt when I found that out. It became greater as more details emerged during the summer and I began to discover how planned and maliciously thought out this betrayal was. It still is something I struggle with and quite frankly I finally found someone I don’t believe I can ever forgive. At least not until the scale of justice gets balanced first. Til then my monsters stay hungry and patiently wait.
June: Familiar Taste of Poison – Halestorm:
I fell in love with Halestorm this summer. I also fell fully in love with a young woman. It’s a decision I now regret. I think the relationship was full of natural chemistry but part of that chemistry was the additional effect of generating a toxicity that was wonderfully deadly. I didn’t want to be saved and I didn’t want to be sober. In the end, I think that toxicity killed it. I probably should be glad for that, but there is still a sadness and pain to it all for me. This song definitely captures that feeling for me still.
July: 400 Lux – Lorde:
I don’t like describing people as addictions. It makes them seem like they’re not people but the relationship I had was addicting. Relationships are things. We were always killing time together in July, so the lyrics fit too. It’s no accident I chose the video for this song that has scenes from The Perks of Being a Wall Flower. It’s a reminder, that life needs to be lived and not just observed. It’s also a book I probably will not read again for the foreseeable future. Maybe someday I will pick it up again with new eyes, because I really liked it. There are too many memories associated with it right now. That and the Song All of Me by John Legend. This song by Lorde I can still listen to and remember without it being too painful, but not that one.
August: Stuck with You – Huey Lewis and the News:
August was a roller coaster month. It was pivotal turning point. I went from being very special to the young woman in question to becoming someone they used to know in the space of less than a hour. I found a new job, but this happened the same day, so the joy of that disappeared. I found myself alone and bleeding from my soul pretty bad. In that state, I also woke up and began to think that my wife and I could save our marriage. From my perspective, it was a long shot and I fully expected my wife to tell me to go to hell.
But she didn’t. She accepted my apology and apologized to me in return. We talked, I mean really talked, for the first time in years. It started a healing process that is still in process, but we are better than we have ever been in a long while. This was the start of that.
Long story short, we found our way back together. In all of this, the only one who really never stopped loving me is her. The only one who exercised ‘Christian’ love, mercy and forgiveness was her. It overwhelmed me and I fell in love with her again. We picked this song as our own while on a weekend away. I am happy to be stuck with her and she is happy to be stuck with me.
September: Love Walks In – Van Halen:
In August I was standing in a convenience store when this song was played. I started singing it out loud as the cashier was doing so too. He stopped and asked me if it had meaning to me and I said it did now. I continue to play this song on my ‘Wife Playlist’, it makes me think of this moment and her every time. Throughout September it was my second favorite song next to Stuck With You.
October: I have two for this month. Sorry I couldn’t choose just one.
Both of these songs are on my current walking play list and have been so for a long time. In October as school began in earnest, I found myself listening to them every day. I still do when I listen to music.
Prayer – Disturbed:
It is the way I pray – ‘living isn’t hard enough without ‘god’ making it harder. I love the lyrics of this song and the feelings behind it. It reflects a lot of my continued struggles with faith.
Voices – Disturbed:
I love the video of this song as it reflects the song so well. I like how the guy is bullied, made fun of and has that girl he likes moment where she dissed him. He then fantasizes about how to get even with them all – the voices speak in his head. Instead of acting on them though, he just leaves work and goes to a concert and lets it all go instead. I listen to this one a lot when I am having dark thoughts. It helps them simmer down.
November – Hammer to Fall – Queen:
I include this one for a lot of reasons: 1) The biopic Bohemian Rhapsody was released this month and my daughter and I had a date and went to see it. Best movie I have seen in a long time. 2) I think in some ways it became a month of returning to ‘normal’ where my wife and I, my family and the friends I have left are back to some sense of stability. This song kind of is symbolic of that as my daughter and I got back to talking music, books and movies – instead of the chaos of my life. 3) The message of this song. The hammer is going to fall, so live life fully. 4) Plus it wouldn’t a music list without Queen.
December: Dreams – Van Halen:
Reflective of the end of the year. I graduated college (with a little work to do) and my wife, myself and family have been celebrating the holidays together. I am starting to dream again about what my life will be. Dreams are what love is made of according to the song and honestly my life has started to reflect that again.
Parting Thought:
Wishing you the most prosperous journey as you travel through 2019.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Happy Saturn’s Day. It is the 10th Night of Yuletide. Today is sacred to Sunna, goddess of the Sun and Light. It is about the celebration of the return of the sun more and more each day until Midsummer. Today we remember the higher virtue of Justice. That is light bringing out the truth, so that we can be just.
I suppose it is fitting that the day I begin this series is also the day of Yuletide that celebrates the goddess of the sun Sunna or Sol. I have decided to call this regular feature that considers Norse Mythology: “Crossing Bifrost”. The Bifrost Bridge being the burning rainbow bridge (rainbows being created by light from the sun) that connected Midgard (earth) with Asgard (the realm of the gods) in Norse Mythology. The idea is to travel across this bridge into the world of Norse Mythology and in so doing learn something of value.
With this regular feature in place there is a kind of trifecta of sorts to my thinking each week. Of Wolves and Ravens considers philosophy and in particular my philosophy. Odin’s Eye Considers the issues of Spirituality and Religion and in particular my spirituality. Now Crossing Bifrost will be about my thoughts on Norse Mythology and what we can learn as people from those myths.
Religion and mythology are created by men for various reasons. I would say a couple of these reasons are 1) to teach principles a culture deems important and 2) give examples of those principles in story. People resonate with stories far faster than lectures.
A word of warning, I am no expert on Norse mythology. Far from it. I actually am doing this series to help my own understanding and knowledge of the subject. I do however have a lot of experience in looking at stories and drawing the moral meaning out of them. I will probably make some mistakes because of my ignorance. If so, and someone out there knows better than I, feel free to correct me. I am taking the role of learner with this series and perhaps moral commentator from time to time and not necessarily teacher.
I will of course write this series with a main goal of your entertainment and enjoyment. Hopefully, we all will learn something each week and more importantly apply something of virtue and value to our lives. Stories should teach lessons and I feel Norse Mythology does do that. I hope you enjoy it.
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
Happy Tyr’s Day. It is also the 6th night of Yuletide. This night is sacred to the goddess Eir and Healing. Eir being one of the Valkyrie who was famous for her healing skills. I know today is December 25th and is sacred to all you Christians out there. It used to mean a lot to me in this regard as well. So Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year. Today we pagans celebrate the virtue of Discipline mostly in regard to taking care of one’s self in regard to health.
Well, this will not be a normal Of Wolves and Ravens. As promised I am establishing a pattern for writing Of Wolves and Ravens. With a pattern I have a pretty good chance of being disciplined in writing it each week. I will be doing the same for Odin’s Eye and my New Series on Saturday on Norse Mythology. Haven’t come up with a unique title for that yet, but I will.
Topics I want to include here in Of Wolves and Ravens must meet the requirement of being a philosophical discussion. So included here is discussions of the Nine Noble Virtues of Asatru, The three higher virtues – Love, Justice and Wisdom. Discussions on Minimalism and Libertarianism will here as well. I must say this would be a good place to discuss economics and political philosophy so that will be here as well as regular western and eastern philosophy. I think a ten week pattern is in order.
Week 1 – Nine Noble Virtues and The Higher Virtues
Week 2 – Honor and Eastern Philosophy
Week 3 – Courage and Western Philosophy
Week 4 – Truth and Love
Week 5 – Self Reliance and Minimalism
Week 6 – Industriousness and Economics
Week 7 – Hospitality and Justice
Week 8 – Discipline and Political Science
Week 9 – Perseverance and Libertarianism
Week 10 – Fidelity and Wisdom
I think this pattern will be a good one as it will keep me covering a lot of different topics and not getting stuck on too many. I will try to bring modern events and other things into the discussion as much as possible.
I want to change the nature of the Wolves and Ravens as far as Need, Want, Reason and Wisdom which will still appear at the end and make them more personal to myself. Taking the discussion about whatever topic is there for the week and putting it into practice personally is the goal at that point. This should keep me writing and more importantly changing for the better as I continue this journey I call my life.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I know I will probably get a reaction out of this one and I am not trying to be provocative. I am simply trying to get people to see the logical problems of Salvation through Christ. Once you dismiss sin as a made up concept, you could say that it is really unnecessary to go after ‘God’s’ solution to the problem, but the whole of Christianity revolves around Christ’s work on the cross and the resurrection to save people from sin and from eternal damnation. You might say it is the core doctrine no matter what flavor of Christianity you live by so it deserves some attention.
Faith:
Of course, the first thing each flavor of Christianity stakes out is how said salvation is achieved with Christ. The faith versus works controversy starts right away in the first century. James and Paul go at it right in the Bible. Now I heard multiple explanations from both Protestants and Catholics of why James and Paul are not arguing about the same thing really but they practically quote each other with only one variation. One says salvation in Christ cannot be of works so no one can boast, and the other one says that without works it is impossible to show faith. No matter how you logically try to get them to be ‘defending the same salvation only from different directions”; it is contradictory. One is saying that works have nothing to do with salvation, and the other is saying it does.
So what this really shows is that even in the Bible and among early Christians, they had disputes and disagreements about how this works and thus it points to the Bible not being inspired by God so much as it records those early debates among the faithful about how salvation worked. That makes the Bible very human and also not the Word of God because if God had actually wanted to tell us how this works because it seems it would be the most important thing for us to know, he would have made it plain, straightforward and quite frankly non-contradictory.
Religion:
Of course, every flavor of Christianity goes even further with specifics and added on things to the doctrine of salvation in Christ. The Catholic Church plain out tells you that you can only be saved from death through them and no one else. Many Protestant denominations will tell you the same. My former denomination would tell people that they had the whole gospel, not just part of it. Salvation is complicated by religion because religion seeks to use these ideas to keep people grateful and faithful for telling those people their version of ‘the truth’.
Theology:
Religion aside though, my objections are theological – what kind of God do we have, who claims to be merciful and loving, but demands for his followers to be forgiving without condition but doesn’t do so himself? It also brings up the question of the ability to forgive in that we are expected to forgive each other without condition because we can, even as sinners. Yet, a holy God can’t simply forgive without sacrificing his only begotten son in one of the cruelest ways ever devised by man. He must have this sacrifice or he cannot forgive at all and I must have faith in it and the resurrection or he will not forgive me specifically. Worse yet if I don’t forgive others as a Christian, he won’t forgive me. He can choose to not forgive others and still be a holy God, but if I don’t forgive, I cannot be saved? So I as a ‘sinner’ have not only a greater expectation than my creator but also I am more capable because I can do this forgiveness without conditions, but he cannot?
This bit of ‘logic’ pales in comparison to the fact that in order to forgive us he must sacrifice himself to himself, to appease himself to save us from himself. See the problem? Well Ed, what if then the whole doctrine of salvation as it currently stands is man-made and that isn’t the real one? My response – exactly and that is probably true from the start of Christianity to where it actually stands today. It seems to me that this idea is just as man-made because a supreme being could have come up with the simple plan to just forgive people. As Jesus is praying in the garden “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me” we would see the opening up the heavens and God saying -“You know what, I have a better plan – let’s just forgive people like I expect them to forgive each other.” That would be just, logical and consistent.
There is also another theological side issue – How much of a sacrifice is it really for Jesus if he knows for certain (which he indicates three times in the gospels) that he will rise from the dead? Honestly, if he knew that and most people who have faith believe he did and the text certainly seems to indicate he did, then it isn’t that big of a sacrifice? He knows he is not going to ultimately be dead in the end, so why not do it as there is no ultimate risk to him? In the end, Jesus is risking nothing himself as God, just going through the inconvenience of temporal suffering. Why? To make a point? What point would that be, when there is nothing actually sacrificed in the end?
Spirituality:
I guess this leaves me with the question from a spiritual point of view as to what salvation is? Or does it? I mean, if there is no such thing as sin, there is no need to be saved from it. Of course, then I could be left with the question of what the real divine reality might expect from me? I guess only thing then is to live a good life regardless of what that divine reality might be. Marcus Aurelius rightly observes, in my opinion, this in his famous quote on the good life.
Of course, you are kind of left to things yourself as to define what virtues you will live by to attain that good life. In short, what is defined as a good life is left to you.
Conclusion:
So with number three down, I am left with my final objection to consider at the end of this month concerning Christianity and the Christian god. Namely that the justice of the God of the Bible is suspect, particularly when it comes to the doctrine of final destination – aka Hell.
The rest of the schedule for Odin’s Eye for 2018 is as follows:
December 13 – Why I Am A Pagan
December 21 – Yule
December 28 – Objections to Christianity – Part 4 – The Justice of the God (Hell)
Then it will be on to the New Year.
I want to note at this point that once mt last objection is laid bare, I will be putting all four of them in one page so that if anyone, want’s to attempt to answer them, I will gladly hear you out and respond at that point.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods and goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves, and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.
We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not giving to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never see a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.
Opening Song: Shinedown – Monsters:
I suppose there is a progression to the music today. The start of it is an understanding that the monsters that live in all of us are very real. I love the chorus of this song:
‘Cause my monsters are real, and they’re trained how to kill
And there’s no comin’ back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fly, and they’ll never say die
And there’s no goin’ back, if I get trapped I’ll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real
The emotions that are the monsters, as our text says, doubt, fear sorrow, confusion and anger. Monsters that sleep but can be awakened at any moment with disastrous consequences. Other people may fool people and hurt everyone with their lies and falsehoods, but the real danger is the monsters lurking within us all.
Poem: “The Fire of Fury” by Ed Raby, Sr.
“The Fire of Fury”
A flame burns within me
It is one that I cannot see
It is fueled by my fury.
My motivation,
My anger,
My salvation,
My destruction
My enlightenment
Fire, Light, Anger, Illumination
The Fire of Fury will light my way
Or it will consume me
Ed Raby, Sr. – November 24, 2018
I had the title of his poem for quite some time and a feeling of what I wanted to express. I used it for the subtitle of my Rogue Wizard series at its current state but it kept being the title for a poem too. As I was preparing the Pagan Pulpit for this week, the words began to form. Poets understand what I mean. I think it speaks for itself.
Meditation:
Song of Preparation: Disturbed – Indestructible:
It is no secret I like Disturbed. I plan on sitting back after school is over and listening to every one of their albums and songs. I just haven’t had the time to give listening to music the proper time it deserves and this is one band I want to some attention to in-depth. The progression of today’s songs continues with learning to take the negativity and toxicity of certain emotions and transforming them into that which makes us indestructible.
Text:
“Release all that no longer serves you: “I cast away all doubts, fears, sorrows, confusions, anger to the wind. I release any toxicity that weakens my spirit.” – The White Witch Parlour
Sermon:
Yeah, I am using a quote from a white witch site. That said when I was a Pentecostal, I swear I heard this same quote from the more Charismatic Movement oriented believers. It’s amazing how mysticism can change the form it has, but the words and concepts are simply the same.
There is something to be said for the idea of releasing that which no longer serves us when it comes to emotions. Emotions are raw material. Parts of them are useful and other parts are chaff that needs to be given to the wind. The real challenge of dealing with these emotions is learning how to harvest them. Learning what needs to be released as toxic and unproductive while keeping the parts of them that lead to constructive and healthy action.
The most pronounced example of this I can think of is something that happened this week to me. I wrote on Tuesday a post: The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer (Part 3) – Confessions. The process of working through the three issues presented in that post was refining moment for me. I was working through the emotions and found that I changed in my feelings toward all these situations. The toxic elements of the emotions are less and the good parts that motivate and bring positive change are now more present. I know what to do about all of them and I am more at peace about that.
The quote today is a personal one that perhaps we all need to say from time to time. Doubt can lead to inquiry into truth. Fear can lead to courage. Sorrow to joy. Confusion to enlightenment. Anger to Motivation. Once you have let go of the toxic part of these emotions, the positive constructive elements are what makes you more of who you are and who you need to be.
Closing Song: Halestorm – Amen:
Ultimately its your shit to deal with. Not anyone else’s. And that ultimately is a good thing. Can I get an Amen?
Parting Thought:
Have a great week.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
I just don’t have time this week to do a proper Of Wolves and Ravens. School is starting to have the potential to kick my ass and I am having to bear down a bit. It’s OK though, because it gives me a chance to do an update on my constant battle with depression aka The Grey. I could just write and say things are cool, but that would be a lie. I would assess myself as functional but struggling.
I never realized how much betrayal would be a depression trigger. The pain of loss of friendship I think does it. We all objectify people from time to time. It’s the main philosophical problem of our age brought to life. We no longer see people as people like ourselves but rather as problems to be moved aside or dealt with. I work hard every day to see people as people. Even more so since I failed at that with my wife in particular. But my greater motivation is now I very much know what it feels like to be treated as an object as well. Once you have been treated that way, you never forget it and you either work hard not to make others feel that way in return or….you fade into The Grey.
As a warning here at this point. What follows is a discussion of the three things I would be talking to my counselor about if I could afford one. Some of these are sensitive in the sense they can invoke strong feelings. Particularly, if you are family in some sense or another either through blood, long association as my friend or even through my church ties some way, this warning is for you to stop reading at this point, unless you feel you can take the sensitive emotions of the issues presented. I am going to try to be as transparent as possible without being hurtful, but I don’t know how people will react all the time, so the warning is for you.
On a practical note, the reason I am doing this is these issues are making it difficult to concentrate on work or school because they are the closure issues I have been mentioning. It should be noted that on all of these, other people have different views of the events and have called me cowardly and a lair for my viewpoint. I can only present things from my perspective and based on my own conversations with others. The problem still remains that others are telling my story and I want to tell it myself to set a more complete account. I don’t care if you believe me. This is me getting things off my heart and mind for my sake.
Old Flame:
I want to say that even with all the strength and love I have gained from restoring my relationship with my wife, I still have residual pain over loving another and the breakup that followed. I don’t think that should be surprising or shocking as you can’t emotionally invest in someone and not have that happen. What I find hard is not walking away from this relationship as any romantic love I had for her is gone, but mostly how it came apart and the reason why it came about. This is one I think I am just going to have to learn to live with and pretty much learn to do it on my own. I have had a hard time hating people for hurting me like this, but I know I can’t trust them and that makes me sad. Mostly I get mad at both of us for taking this relationship too far. Oddly enough, I still miss the friendship and I learned a valuable lesson on boundaries being important.
I think though this is one of those wounds that will get better with time. I also think it will never heal completely. Mostly I have found healing here in turning my attention to my relationship with my wife and building that.
‘Friendship’ Lost:
The second issue is I had a long time friend with my last church. We did a lot of things together and sat next to each other for well over nine years. We were in a small group together for the same length of time. We knew each other very well. Or I thought I did. The one thing I felt I could do with this person was trust them with something important and in this case my resignation.
My plan was to have my resignation read the one Sunday and then come in the next when I wasn’t feeling so emotional distraught and explain things. That never got to happen. This person set me up.
a) They convinced me to remove all references to the reasons I was resigning – I had been involved in an inappropriate relationship. The reasons for removal given to me were not wanting to start gossip in the church and not dragging the girl into all this. I felt the reasons he gave were solid, so I removed the references to the affair, figuring I could go in the church the next week and deal with that issue.
b) I now know the very day that I gave my ‘friend’ my revised resignation, with all references to the affair removed, he called the woman I had been involved with up and asked her permission in using her name for him to tell the story to the church. He did that after reading my resignation. This made it very much look like I was hiding something, and he was being the noble guy telling everyone the truth.
c) On the Monday that followed the story of what happened came to me though my mother and several others who called me. There was even a plan in place already of how the vote would take place in a few weeks to decide things. None of this was ever shared with me during the months that followed in any official capacity. If it hadn’t been for a few members of my flock who disagreed with how things were being handled and kept me informed, I would never have known anything.
d) I texted this person and asked very simply what was going on. That was June 5th, 2018. I still have the text I sent. It has never been responded to. This person has made no effort to contact me since. Ever.
The sad thing is that I would not have handled things this way had the roles been reversed. I would have given him two things he obviously didn’t give me.
Love – I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and certainly would have allowed him to tell his own side of things and not take it upon myself to do that. The story that followed that I heard had definitely been blown up far bigger than it was and had obvious falsehoods. I would have made sure only established facts were told and crushed any rumors that couldn’t be verified.
Time – I would have given him time to think over things. In retrospect what I should have done is taken a week off to think things over and then resigned the following week myself in person. That’s the time factor I am speaking of. I would have given him these two things because that’s what friends do.
I am not sure what bothers me the most, but one thing I wrestle with is whether this truly is a friendship lost or did I really have a friend there to begin with? I am beginning to think I was nothing more to this guy than an object, that when no longer usable to him and his agenda, I was discarded. That pisses me off. The problem is no matter how many times I pay over the scenario, I keep running into the later conclusion. I know forgiveness is a powerful tool in recovery from things like this, but this one I haven’t forgiven yet. At least fully.
I want to make it clear, I am not looking for vengeance and I would never hurt him physically. That is just not me. What is me is being patient and waiting for the wheel of time to keep turning. If someday I get to balance the scales of justice thanks to fate, providence or karma, I will take it without hesitation. The difference will be I will stab him in the chest while looking him in the eye. Metaphorically speaking, not literally – I hope the man lives a long but miserable life.
Now before everyone lectures me about Christian forgiveness, I will remind people I am not longer religious or a Christian. One thing I do feel is that justice should be served. I may be a former adulterer, but I at least tried to confess it to my flock and would have if not for this man’s interference. I know he is a two-faced, backstabbing liar and that is enough for me. I doubt he will ever admit it, so he continues to lie to cover things up. Maybe he lies to himself more than anyone else.
On thing I do think is such a thing should come to an end as he has no honor or sense of fidelity. I just hope I am around to see it; so I can smile as the fall takes place. There is an old proverb – “Meditate on the bank of the river long enough, and you will see the body of your enemy floating by.” Hopefully it is true. If you hear the sound of clapping when it happens, it will be me applauding as the body floats by.
Perhaps you are also saying I am going back on my treating people was people with this one. I would say I am simply following Christianity here seeing he is a Christian. I am treating him like he treated me. That’s apparently how he wants to be treated, because that how he treated me. As a pagan with a pagan sense of justice, I just want to see the scale balanced.
‘Few’ Goodbyes:
Oddly enough this is not the toughest thing. It’s the lack of the ability to say goodbye to my flock that hurts the most sometimes. Despite my struggles with faith and the affair, I still loved and cared for them like a shepherd. Because of how this was handled by my ‘friend’, I knew there would be a lynch mob waiting for me after that if I went back. I have been left with people contacting me and that has been few in number. Each time it has happened though, I have had a measure of healing come into my life.
I don’t really blame them. I know they were misinformed and tricked by someone they trust. It’s why I was fired and denied severance as well. I let a lot of that go and because they were my sheep I loved very much; I forgive them. The treacherous ram in the middle of them? Well, he just showed his true colors. I never should have turned my back to him. Live and learn.
Maybe in a year or so I can go back and say goodbye to those who are still there. By then perhaps people will have different thoughts on the whole thing. I don’t know. My daughter has always joked with me that she was going to throw an over the hill party when I turned 50. I guess the invite list could have a few select people from the church on it if she does. I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing some of them again. They are good people and I miss many of them.
Conclusion:
I don’t know if this has done anything but help me get through the fog a little and see clearly my path. You don’t get very far glancing over shoulder or looking back. My whole thing is to identify what is weighing me down and find a way to deal with it. Either to cast it off, change it so it isn’t so heavy or learn how to cope with it. I think writing this out and having it out there has been good for my soul. I need that right now and this has definitely helped as I have written it. It’s good to know your enemy and even better when part of that enemy is yourself.
Once again, my purpose here is not to stir up feelings. If I have, I do apologize. But I have been struggling with this for a little while now. I have talked with my wife about it and that has helped but I needed to clear my head. One thing that has always helped has blogging about stuff.
I remain,
The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.
The Grey Wayfarer 