“Scattered Grey Showers” -The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 21

Happy Sif’s Day

Of course in the middle of the triumph of achieving a goal, The Grey would have to make an appearance and the problem is it is not one single thing causing the issue but several scattered showers of shit I would rather not deal with; but there it is.  There have been all kinds of scattered Grey showers this week and I haven’t been able to control them all the time which has led to some sleepless nights and emotions that have been less than happy ones.

It actually started the day after I achieved my one-year blogging goal with the simple thought of – ‘yeah that’s great, but you still don’t have a better job yet.”  I hate moments like that because they seem to take all the joy of succeeding at something away from me in a second. I shell up and just exist. I need a new job it’s true, but blogging every single day without fail is an achievement,  I know and anyone who blogs knows it is. It’s just The Grey has a tendency to crop in after I have a high moment.

If this wasn’t enough, I am working one day and over the speakers, it becomes clear that they have at long last changed the loop of songs to something new.  Cool right?  Except that now twice a day it seems I hear the song I don’t want to hear.  “All of Me” by John Legend.  It’s not that I think it is a bad song, it’s damn skippy good.  It is also connected emotionally to Miss Salty in a very strong way and then the whole memories shit of that relationship comes up and I want to cry.  Yeah, 6’4″ 275 lbs. weightlifter crying at work.  So The Grey kicks in as a protective measure and I try to ignore the song.  But later catch me singing it and thinking about her. What the Fuck?  This is why I avoid this song in the first place, and now I can’t avoid it at times.

So, I finally get a day off and I go to bed the night before and I have a dream. Yeah, it’s about The Dirty Pig.  Nothing big or symbolic just him making fun of me and laughing. Him doing his thing of doing things for his own entertainment and throwing me under the bus to that end. I used to be able to control my dreams a little, but as I grow older that ability seems to be lost. I think I still have enough ability to keep the ‘night terrors’ I used to have a bay.  If they come back, that will not be good.

I wake up and then I had to get up for a bit.  Kind of alarmed my wife as it is unusual for me to let my insomnia get me out of bed. The whole extreme anger thing is high with him.  Hard to control.  But then there is my old friend/enemy – the Grey and I head back to bed and fall asleep.

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My personality type makes me emotionally intelligent.  Sometimes called ’empathic’ and it’s pretty high in me.  The curse is that strong emotions in others or in songs or from my past experiences get supercharged because of it.   The Grey has developed in me as a counter to that. When things get too negatively strong, it kicks in to keep me sane. Cool huh?  But the downside is I don’t give a shit about anyone else in those moments.  I have also noted that The Grey occurs more frequently when I am not taking care of myself as far as self-love.  Loving myself keeps the emotional balance better, but I have to really work at that as it is much more natural to help other people than myself.

The other defense is introversion, but that isn’t good for me either.  Part of self-love is receiving love and you can’t do that by yourself.  This what led to the problems of last year.  My wife was penciling me into her busy schedule and I wasn’t a priority.  The church was taking a lot out of me and not giving much back in terms of emotional support and school wasn’t the outlet for my attention like it had been.  Along comes Miss Salty who absolutely understood this and BAM – affair, breakup, getting fired, near divorce, life turned upside down.

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The problem is I am absolutely terrified of letting someone else in right now.  Miss Salty leaving me and The Dirty Pig betraying my trust and leading the other friends I had at the church to fire me have all given me current trust issues off the chart at times. I function all right with people, but let them into my life to love and be loved by them? – yeah, no thanks.  Got my family, a couple close friends and that is it.  My wife helps a lot, but we both have to work and she is extroverted so she has to get away from the apartment or she would go nuts.  That leaves me alone.

The other downside is I get along better with women than men.  Men are comrades in arms but it takes a self-confident guy to be a friend that I trust..  I always feel men are competing with me rather than trying to be a friend. If you are that insecure, yeah, I don’t like you; because I know you’re going to brag about shit in front of me and I don’t do that.  I don’t need to because I am pretty secure in my masculinity.  I don’t have to prove my manhood to anybody.  Only one other guy on the planet gets that right now and that is why we are best friends.  Most men can’t handle that so they shy away for me or our relationship is the joking sarcasm of guys doing the same job and dealing with the same shit.

So women are easier to get along with for me. You can imagine how this is a downside. Today in the western world, 1) showing a woman some attention, 2) understanding her emotions and 3) being self-confident in your own masculinity equals flirting. Like, it comes naturally to me and that has lead to being flirted with back in return more than once.  Pre-affair this was just fun and a way to play around that broke up the monotony of life.  Women made my life more bearable with this flirting with boundaries thing.

Post-affair?  You draw your own conclusions but I have some women now that it is purely professional much like I act with guys.  But my natural tendencies are still there and so subtle I don’t often realize I am doing it.  Getting close to another woman as a friend is just difficult and undesirable given recent events.

So, I am left with my one friend who lives far away who thankfully calls me every few days to check on me and my wife.  My wife and I get along and she now very much understands that you can’t just pencil me in to be my lover/friend.  I have to be much higher on the priority list than that because I am high maintenance when it comes to internal emotions.

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That’s the bitch about being INFJ.  Perfect personality my ass.  Yeah, from an external point of view, we function and don’t appear to need human interaction as much, we navigate emotional situations well outwardly and get along pretty much with anybody.  The price tag of those positives is high internal emotional costs. We pay every part of that cost ourselves for the benefits others enjoy.  No human is strong enough to take that all the time and so the trade-offs are: 1) We disappear for a while, 2) it gets to a point of overload, so we develop coping mechanisms (aka for me The Grey) or 3) Eventually we explode and do something tremendously stupid or risky.  It’s a ticking time bomb that needs to have minutes added to the clock by #1 and 2 or #3 is inevitable.

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On top of it all, today (October 5th, 2019) is the 25th anniversary of my father’s death. Yeah, that always is a grey shower no matter what I do.  I still miss him.

But I keep walking. Ravens on my shoulder and wolves at my feet. My coat and cloak pulled tight against the storm.  No rest for the weary or the wicked.  The showers will eventually end and I will be that much stronger for walking through them.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Fantasy Hedge Nuptials” – The Skald’s Lyre

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

I doubt anyone but a very few who have followed me for a long time would understand the meaning of both the image and the title of this post. Only one person, that I know of, knows the full meaning of what I am writing about and the songs I am about to select.  Only one person knows why this is the day I choose to post them. Whether or not she even reads me anymore, I have no fucking clue.  But if she does, here are my thoughts on a day that was supposed to be something but turned into nothing.

What I do know is that I have been either calm because I have been busy, but every time I have too much time to think about things, this comes up and the combination of sadness and rage begins. I handle it, of course, like I always do, but it means shutting down to the cold side. That is not the side I like very much.  My other alternative is music. The problem is the songs I find in my memory or that I think revolve around this non-existent event that was supposed to be today.  Only one-way then left to deal with it – write about it and get it out of my system.

Disclaimer: This is a raw one, so be advised.  Although I might just post the songs and leave it at that.  You know that is probably the best idea:  Just a playlist this week.  Make your own meaning out of it. Me – I am just trying to sing my way through The Grey.  The one thing I will say is not every word of every song applies to how I feel about this whole thing, but there is some line in every song that does.

Playlist:

400LUX – Lorde:

All of Me – John Legend:

Familiar Taste of Poison – Halestorm:

Just Give Me a Reason – Pink:

Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye:

Bonus Tracks:

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga:

Incomplete – Back Street Boys:

A toast then, to the fantasy hedge nuptials that never came to be.  Too bad, because at least the music and poetry would have been epic.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Covers Better Than the Orignal” – The Skald’s Lyre

Happy Saturn’s Day 

Musical Journal:

Cover Songs are something  I like to hear from time to time.  It is what causes me to remember that music is something that can connect with other people other than the original artist that did the song.  It also reveals from time to time that the emotions that the cover performer has are more closely connected to the song than the original artist.  When that happens the cover is often ‘better’ than the original. It is better in the sense that it speaks louder than original in terms of the strength and power of the message.

I have to say that a few covers have meant a little more to me than the original. So today’s List is cover songs that I find better than the original for the reasons outlined above.

Personal Significance:

Hurt – Johnny Cash: (Original – Nine Inch Nails)

You know a cover is better than the original when the original artist basically says: “That song is a Johnny Cash song now.”  For me, the whole idea of a man who has lost all that is really important to him but still has the other stuff, ‘my empire of dirt”, is a powerful metaphor.  One that I try very hard to remember.

Am I Evil – Metallica: (Original – Diamond Head)

I doubt very much people look up this song to hear Diamond Head play it.  It’s the live performances Metallica did when they were in their prime that people like to listen to.  you might even refer to the live performance of the big four of metal as well, but it is Metallica’s performance of this cover that makes my day these days.

The Sound of Silence – Disturbed: (Original – Simon and Garfunkel)

Now, I am not diminishing Simon an Garfunkel’s performance at all.  It is very haunting and wonderful and is one of those songs that you can’t get it out of your head.  What Disturbed does to this song si give it grit and power on top of all that.  They don’t take away from its wonderful quality, they add to it.

I Love Rock and Roll – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (Original – The Arrows)

Yeah, nobody has ever heard of the Arrows.  Joan Jett takes this to a new height of performance.  You believe her when she says it and it was a 1980s anthem.

I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston (Original – Dolly Parton)

Dolly’s performance is memorable.  Whineys is unforgettable and it is her one of a kind voice that does it.  Yes, I know this song made the list last week, but that is just how good this cover is compared to the original.

Playlist:

The playlist this week is a little different in that each song will first have the original and then the cover.  You can listen for yourself.

Hurt:

Original – Nine Inch Nails:

Cover – Johnny Cash:

Am I Evil:

Original – Diamond Head:

Cover – Metallica:

The Sound of Silence:

Original – Simon and Garfunkel:

Cover – Disturbed: 

I Love Rock and Roll:

Original – The Arrows:

Cover – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts:

I Will Always Love You:

Original – Dolly Parton:

Cover – Whitney Houston:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Sappy Love Songs” – The Skald’s Lyre

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

Let’s See Head Banger, Hard Rocker, Alternative Hard Rocker.  I suppose you would see a trend in what I like if you were to look at what I listen to most of the time.  But then you would see a few songs and have that ‘one of these things is not like the other” moment.  It would probably be that odd sappy love song.  Yep, despite my hard edge with most of my musical choices, I am a sucker for a good love song.

Probably the reason for this is that being an empath I can feel that shit.  Love is a strong emotion and in music, I have this ability to feel not only the message of the song but the emotions of the performer.  I mean I feel that shit in my soul.  I can feel the emotions of the singers in particular but musicians can definitely push it too. It is this connection of strong feeling particularly love that can melt me on some of these.

Mostly though these songs remind me of events involving my life regarding love.  There has been more than one woman I have loved over the years and some of these songs take me back to them.  There are also recent events where I have in many ways fallen in love with my wife anew.   So here is a list of some of my favorites and a few with significance.

Personal Significance:

Silly Love Songs: Love this song mostly because if you listen to it is very multilayered the music is high end from a talent perspective. The bass player in this one is off the chart.  It makes the song. The simple lyrics and melody are classic. For me, it is a simple reminder that no matter how much love hurts or can cause us trouble we never get tired of it and the song that sing about it.

I Will Always Love You: I have felt this way now a couple times with the women I have loved and lost now.  I guess Ms. Houston sings for all of us that have been there  The lyrics and her voice are what kills this one. She is one of those legendary voices that never gets old. Now mostly it is how I feel like I am singing this to two women in particular where I understand if I stayed in their life, I would have only gotten in the way, but because of my personality type and who I am the message is true. I never completely stop loving a woman I have fallen in love with, that is just who I am.  I adapt to them being gone but I never stop.

Honestly: This is the song that reminds me of my first love.  It reminds me of how I felt back then with her.  Now when I hear it, I get taken back to then.  It is still hard to listen to at times.  You know.  The ‘what if’, it gets you.

All of Me:  Another song that calls back an old flame.  I still can’t listen to this one all the way through. At least not yet.  Events are too recent I guess. John’s voice is iconic and the lyrics absolutely perfect. I have those feelings of loss every time so I stay away from it. Maybe someday it will be different.

Happy to Be Stuck with You: My wife and I never had “our song”.  Until now.  I guess it fits our relationship – love, stuck with each other but loving it and it is a little fun as we are better friends than we have been in a long time.  Huey and the News brought back the kind fo doo whop sound with modern 80s pop together in an interesting way.  They definitely had a lot of songs like this.  This one is ours – my wife and I  – stuck with each other and loving every minute of it.  Fun and love are both expressed.  Nothing like laughing and loving at the same time.  The video is kind of like that too.

Play List:

Silly Love Songs – Paul McCartney & The Wings: 

I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston: 

Honestly – Stryper:

All of Me – John Legend:

Happy to Be Stuck with You – Huey Lewis and the News:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!